Stepping of a clift

I don't know what to do.
Where I am.
What I'm doing.
Who am I.
What this year has meant.
The past, the present and the future.
Where to go from here?

It's just You and me.
Here we go down this clift.
I don't know if everything will be okay.
But here we go.
I trust You'll lift me up.
I trust that even if You don't lift me up, You'll mend my broken pieces.
When I fall down this clift.

It's just You and me.

Season without love

The world and all its splendor
Cannot explain it all
No I can't imagine each day without your love
Walking on the streets of memories
Each step without a clue
My heart is hurting now
What's is next? What should I do?

Time it passes, does not sit still
Yet not mine, but it's your will
The decision that is made can't be earsed
That's the reason it's a season without love

I can't believe
That it hurts more than it seems
When I lie down all alone
Sweet memories come to me
Rain or shine, this pain of mine
It subsides by my side
Gives me a reason
For a season without love

I don't know how long it'll take
For healing to take place
Only Jesus knows, how bad my heart aches
The only comfort I find
Is when I sit down and pray
Hoping that she'll find her comfort
As she lives, day by day.

Jonathan Tse: Season without love, from the album Purpose.
(My church member from COHS Labuan, now serving in Faith Christian Centre Sunway. I used to jump on his bed with his brother in his house. He and his brother Oliver where the first "corrupting force" that introduced me to the computer and computer games! And play ping pong on the dinning table with video cassettes as the net. Time flies!)

Home is.....

Looking at our half bald christmas tree with funny ornaments.
Surrounded by all my favourite books and magazines.
Chasing the dog named Panadaol off the couch.
Teasing sisters about boys and "nagging" them to boredom.
Lying in bed with Mum talking about batch "gossip" and teasing her by saying that I'll never get married.
Eating, eating, and eating.
The piano with a rusty player.
My favourite bed sheet with pink flowers. (ha, so girly..haha)
Talking with Dad about his days in UK, travelling to far flung hospitals on his moped.
Listening to how Dad charmed Mum with side walked picked flowers (too poor to buy flowers!)
Plus, how they both worked in the shoe shop together.....
Talking with the youth in church, kids who used to run around are now in their teens!
Remembering how innocent life was, secondary school days with blue pinafores and white shoes and big dreams.
Catching up on friends' news, who's dating who, who's where and who's doing what, amazed at how much all of us have changed and taken different paths of something bittersweet called life.
Reflecting on God, the past, present and future.
Thinking of the what ifs.

Sssshhh...

Sssshhh..can I just disappear?

Everything just seems so trival and insignificant.
Frustration, "frustra" latin for in vain.
In vain. In vain. In vain.
No, it's not repro that's in vain.
It's everything.

No, I can't disappear....
But it's a hauntingly attractive idea.

True/not true?

From IMU Campus forum http://www.imucampus.com/forum/viewtopic.php?t=201&postdays=0&postorder=asc&start=45

what's wrong with girls making the first move?

um nothing, except for the fact that i have yet to see a relationship where it was the girl who expressed interest first that has actually lasted. usually it ends with the guy delivering the killer line, "well YOU were the one who liked me first" before storming off.

since this thread is all about making sweeping statements, i shall go ahead and say this: guys would stay in a relationship longer if they were the ones who wanted it and pursued it in the first place.

if it were the girl making the move first...he'd probably be flattered and maybe eventually go out with her. but it wouldn't be what HE wanted FIRST. it would be sort of a..."okla, since you like me and you're a good person who is quite cute also, i'll give it a go" instead of a "i really like you and would work hard to keep the relationship going".

ok, let's say it's the other way round, and a guy takes the initiative to ask a girl out. a typical female response would be "how sweet! omg he likes me? aww. i guess i've always liked him too, just that i never noticed. how sweeeeeeeet!" and she'd be way too flattered to do anything but dwell in the new source of affection that's come her way. and that source wouldn't run out either. cuz HE wanted her FIRST.

i can see a million contradictions in the last two paragraphs, but like i said, who cares? every time there is any argument about men and women and relationships (or a lack of), there are bound to be contradictions.

men say they know she's "the one" if they can see her bearing their children. but when she's carrying the child, they go find someone whom they can see swallowing their seed without bearing anything.

women say they want men who will open doors and pull out chairs for them. but when the men do, they think, "what a sexist! to think i can't open my own door and pull out my own chair!"

i don't blame anyone for being confused, frustrated, or annoyed!

(Not written by me ar! haha..too bored@stressed, reading lots of blogs and forums....oh no, this IS bad)

Exhaustion

It's the kind that lingers even after 12 hours of sleep.
It's the kind that makes you feel irrational and bleak.
It's the kind that clouds your mind and invades your dreams.
It's the kind that makes you want to hide under the covers of your bed and not get up to face the real world.
It's the kind that cannot be remedied with movies or food or books or friends.
It's the kind that makes you off your phones and go online, yet appear offline so that you can see the world yet hide from it? (oh oh..gave up my cover..yea, that's why suddenly I pop online when I see some of you online when I need to msg you..unlike ICQ, MSN does not allow msgs on appear offline/invisble mode)
It's the kind that drives you away from friends, fearing that the irrationality mentioned above would suddenly cause you to snap for no reason.
It's the kind that makes you feel guilty for feeling this way.
It's the kind that you don't dare tell your parents about, not because they will lecture you but because they would worry more.
It's the kind that makes you feel fat..(ahahahaha :) )
It's the kind where you want to tell someone all about when they ask how are you but then decide otherwise because you are even too exhausted to explain or elaborate or tolerate cliches (but I give people cliches too because no matter how terrible I feel, I still still want to believe in God)
It's the kind that gives you the far away look in your eyes. (and eye bags..Haha)
It's the kind that demands solitude from the banter of giggles but craves the assurance of silence from the other half.
It's the kind where you just want to be left alone, but you don't want to be alone.
It's the kind that I dread the most because it signals something called burnout that I have been trying to avoid and deny and fight against.

Lord. I'm human. I burnout too. Despite trying not to. Despite warning myself against it.
And I'm afraid. Afraid that when I burnout, others might not want to serve you or love you or trust You. Afraid to even write this out, afraid of being the discouragement.

But Lord, although some may understand and others may not, remind me I'm not living for the perceptions of others...or rather, my perception of other people's perception of me. (what a mouthful)
Having said that, I still need to pass my reproduction system test and pass it well! :)
And to honour your perception of me as your beloved child by the actions in my life.
So yea..help me Lord!

The ushers, wedding singer and best man

Philip@photographer runner (thanks so much for the transport+getting lost+making me laugh), Peter@the wedding singer (that did not bring rain to the wedding..so if you are considering a garden wedding, you can ask him to sing for you! Plus he appeared in The Star), Andrea@the buaya (keep your sisters away from him! JK andrea!), Chris@the best man (Please have your wedding before September so that I can attend, or alternatively buy me a ticket from wherever I'll be studying next year)

Cindy@the videographer+super cool girl, Jinny@the head usher+very capable computer programmer expert (have a good holiday in Penang and continue to take care of your health! Always enjoy your company in CG), Audrey@auds+full time pastor to be? (You inspire even in your honesty on your struggles), Sarah@bad eye bags+spoil the picture..haha..

MADZ+Commenwealth

Presenting Mr and Mrs Victor Yong!!
Our very own canto pop star CG leader@Daniel M'sian Idol lookalike and his beautiful, smart Dr wife..
God bless and have a wonderful marraige plus many kids..

Beauty and the beast.. Haha

Gracey, our beauty! Our very own Miss Sarimah Ibrahim, you look good! :)
Semoga anda mendapat pengalaman yang manis dan berguna ketika mengikuti Sekolah Jeremiah pada bulan Januari nanti....
Walaupun cerita kedua orang kawan kita belum selesai dan kadang kala sungguh mengelirukan, Tuhan tahu segala-galanya. (PS You should consider curling your hair!)
Dan terima kasih kerana berada dalam gambar ini agar semua perhatian ditumpukan kepada kamu kerana saya memang macam orang yang tidak cukup tidur/baru habis menangis..teruk la mata saya. :)

A picture speaks a thousand words

If you love the trobbing ache of politics,
If you love discovering beauty in the ashes of ugliness,
If you love the haunting eyes of humanity,
If you love nature; its tenderness and its wrath,
If you love life, warts and all...

Click here http://www.time.com/time/yip/2005/
TIME magazine pictures of year 2005

The ministry

So what did we do there? The King in the picture is Kheng Yew our assistant team leader. He was acting as King Herod. We did a Christmas play for the people there. We had two nights of "evangelistic" meetings. We went around from house to house to talk to people. Some of us taught and played with the children, singing Christian BM songs and teaching them about Jesus. Others of us bonded with the teenagers. The teenage girls are very eager to learn keyboard and guitars. Builidng relationships was the main purpose of our trip.

Of course, our mission trip was not perfect. Our van had major problems. There were times of rubbing against each other, as we had to live, eat, sleep together. A lot of patience and grace was needed among everyone. Learnt to eat anything, bath in cold water in the morning (mandi kampung), chase chickens out of the church, walk in hot sun. Translated in broken malay for Kheng Yew. Being flexible to adapt to situations and just letting go of control, letting God take control.

The people

I'm with Pastor Mondon, Natasha and her cousin in this picture. Pastor Mondon is actually from Sabah and has moved to Kampung Bukit Serok to serve the orang asli here. He has been there for 8 months. It's not easy for him as he has 5 children, the youngest being 1.5 years old. Both he and his wife, Ps Liyu are pastors. Ps Liyu is an amazing woman. She herself is a pastor and is often very busy looking after the children, cooking, serving and supporting Ps Mondon.

Realized the importance of partnership in ministry. For example, when they go out to do visitation, both of them go together. The reason being that this is still a conservative society, and it's better for both of them to go together so that Ps Liyu can talk to the widows while Ps Mondon can talk to the men. It would be inappropriate there if Ps Mondon is to go out alone and visit people's houses if only the womanfolk are at home. The same applies to Ps Liyu. Both of them also support and encourage each other; being new to the village, they are often disappointed and rejected at times.

The children of Kampung Bukit Serok are plentiful as each family have more than 5 children. There are also a lot of special children there. It's probably due to inter-marriage among kin in the village as the village has a population of 3000-4000. The children are very active, and being the conservative med student, it's at times worrying when I see boys climb up 10 feet trees! Children as young as 10 also zip around the village on motorcycles.

(Yes, I am shades darker now...to add to my already tanned skin. Had a very funny conversation with my Mum this morning. The first thing she asked me when she called me at 9.30 in the morning was not "How's the trip?" etc. But "Did you put on weight?" "Are you darker now?" Haha... but yea, she's really great because she allows me to go everywhere even after numerous accidents. And she just listened to the van woes (our van broke down! Had to push it in the pouring rain) without worrying or banning me from going again...

The typical hut

No..haha..they are not so poor to live in such huts. This kind of hut is for the Jakun people to sit outside and chat with their friends. Every house has a hut at the side. They prefer to sit at their huts most of the time because it is more cooling than their zinc roof houses. They only sleep and cook in their houses.

Visiting Ibu Rokiah

The orang asli tribe we went to was the Jakun tribe. They used to live deep in the jungles but now stay in Kampung Bukit Serok Baru, a government planned settlement. Most of them have been allocated plots of land by the government. A majority plant palm oil. Others who do not want to work lease out the land for RM400 a month. There is a single lane tar road (with potholes of course), electricity, and......ASTRO in some of the better houses. The houses are half cemment and half concrete. The people there are friendly but the gospel is still hard to be preached. There is a lot of pressure to convert to Islam. Every year, a big shot minister would come and give each orang asli RM1000!

It's also hard for them to receive the gospel as it is new to them. Or they might accept but not fully understand the meaning. Life there is slow and unambitious. A lot of youths especially the guys drop out of school at age 15-16 and do not work but just hang around riding their motorcycles and chatting away.

Ibu Rokiah is one of the few members of the church we went to. She is a widow. She's very interested in praise and worship

Who's who?

Okay, Zu Yao's hairy leg is a giveaway while Siew Mei's painted nails are glaringly obvious...Jon's foot is also huge...

Mothers to be..haha

Grace and I. It's nice to carry babies there, just that one must always be prepared for emergencies as the babies there don't wear diapers...it was a good thing I brought extra pair of pants...haha. Was carrying Mackly (the baby) when suddenly felt something warm...

Yang Di Pertuan Baginda Raja Zu Yao

Our UM King Zu Yao...
Master mathematician as well as master of lame jokes and even lamer one liner sentences...
Calls himself beta...and we are all his hamba-hamba

Killing time

What does a bunch of youths do when they are in the van, stuck together for 7 hours? They pose for pictures!!
On our way to Bukit Serok, Rompin, PAHANG we got lost...
Overshot all the way to Jelebu, NEGERI SEMBILAN.
Arrived 4 hours later than normal...
Further more, being the veteran of many car crashes, I don't sleep during car rides and thus was giving the "task" of talking to the driver...I'm sure Kheng Yew must be super sick of hearing my voice by now.. :)

"Bollywood" fling

Jonathan and Zu Yao. They held hands and jumped around the village while walking to visit people's houses. Can't believe they are both 21!!

Our van broke down!! Had to push, push, push..

Grace, Jonathan, Jamie and Pastor Mondon pushing our van. Our van's alternator(battery charger) broke down when we were at Kampung Bukit Serok on the 2nd day. Very worried that we won't be able to go back home!! The van couldn't start, and every time we wanted to start the engine, we had to push it for a certain distance to get the battery charged...which made it dangerous when we drove on roads as if the van suddenly stopped, any car could just hit our 'stationary unable to start again' van...
But 3 stops, and 3 pushes later at various places....we managed to arrive in KL safely!! After a grand total of 7 hours on the road...an unforgettable, nerve wrecking but faith testing experience

Insanity

Malaysian and their policemen are like a comic strip.
When the issue of the Chinese woman being made to do squats in the nude came out in the papers, there were some people who had the nerve to ask the police to investigate the person who took the clip.....instead of investigating how deeply prejudiced and wrong our police force are for allowing such incidents to take place.

There were some other quarters who blasted the media for highlighting the weak points of the police, saying that such spotlight would demoralize the police force/paint a bad picture of Malaysia...So are they saying that we must just keep quiet even if the whole police force disintergrates?

Then now, some wise lawyer says that MP of Seputeh Teressa Kok should be charged for showing pornographic material in the Dewan Rakyat when she showed proof that the video clip was true on her laptop....some wise lawyer indeed...

And another policeman is taking a student to court, because she filed a report with the ACA against him, even before his non-guilty verdict was handed down..(emm..maybe he knew about the verdict already la, if not why so confident?)

All of us know that our police force is not spotless. Most of us don't even hold it to high regard.

But this is just too much. Imagine if you were forced to be stripped search, just because you are of a different nationality. Yes, it's true that some Chinese citizens overstay and come to Malaysia illegally. But since our dear policemen have trouble catching the VCD sellers that operate in the pasar malam every Tuesday and Friday (I even know their operating hours better than the detectives..how come yea?) I suppose they also have a problem reading passport and documents too. Or respecting something called human dignity.

At the end of the day, I know policemen who are just simple, normal people. But it's the whole organization that's corrupts people.

Maybe it's just Malaysia. Or maybe it's just me, too idealistic, not expecting much but just hoping that basic principles of living; justice, intergrity, safety, trust...would still be a reality.

Hope...

Which is worst?
To have no hope, or to have false hopes......

I'm am sooo going to burn badly!
Lord, You must help me!

Anyway, Friday Nite in IMU is coming up! Come watch the CF musical...
Plus, my CG leader Victor is getting married...again, being a person who never thinks of clothes in advance, I don't have anything to wear. Maybe would just borrow or make do with something decent. Haha.

God, haha, You are God indeed!

Oh yea...my last post was on how dismissal I was about life...
And guess what...I was involved in ANOTHER accident last Thursday..
Again, it's a "miracle" I walked out, unhurt considering the damage of the car.

God does have a sense of humour and indeed when one prays that one would snap out of depression, it literally happens.

So what can I say, but just to stand in awe of Him.
Of course, anyone reading this, please pray for my upcoming mission trip to Rompin, Pahang (9-12 Dec). Especially since the accident happen just after I attended a mission trip prep meeting.

Somehow, in all the uncertainty of my life, I know God must be watching over me, sometimes with a chuckle, because He knows the end result. Of course, I do still have my moments of doubt and emmhmm...loneliness. Or even moments where I just don't know what to do or how to go on to try to honour him.

But God is good, even when I don't feel it.
I just pray I'll learn to trust more in Him!

Life?

Haha?
I wish I can be merry and cherry and write wonderful things in my blog instead of always being moody and depressed.
I want to write about what I ate, what I bought at the shopping mall, and things other sane people write about.

But what can I say, I only spew out ink of melachony..
I just don't want to get up again for a long long time...
Maybe during my funeral, CF would experience revival (it always happen at funerals where revival breaks out)
Maybe I won't have to sit for sem 5, worry about matching or Mr I don't know who are you and I don't know if you would even turn up.
Maybe I wouldn't need to think about things anymore.
Or be tired and exhausted.
And just drift and drift..and drift and drift...

Argh...suicide?
Experience with a close friend has taught me that it brings far more consequences than relief..
Besides, I don't think my family deserves this..
And I don't think I've reached "that" stage just yet..

That's why if I suddenly for some reason don't get up ever again after sleep....it would not be sin (suicide is sin..I think) and it would be painless and it would be quick and people would think I just had some congenital heart disease and it would...........

I'm insane.

I can make it out of this..Lord..
Help me!!
Your grace IS sufficient for me...
Pull me out of this mediocracy.

(I'll be okay..because God will make sure I'm okay..)

Where are you?

(Disclaimer: this post would only be understood by girls...guys might find this very desperate and too mushy...so guys, don't read! haha...I don't write this because I'm too free etc. Just that I really want to write this out, although I'm not sure if I want everyone to read this aka selfsuicidal blogger)

Where are you?

I want to laugh with you, dissect the newspapers with you, "debate" with you over politics.
I know this is not the requests of most girls, but my dream would include showing each other articles that challenge our thoughts and worry together over the fate of homeless children half way across the globe. And fight with you to be the first to read the latest copy of TIME magazine. Or tease you with something I've read, as you reveal something else I don't know.

I want to hear you talk about life. I want to appreciate poetic pictures of AIDS patients with me. I want to look into your eyes when we've been through a particular situation and see my own thoughts reflected in yours. I want you to squeeze my hand as we hear something that inspires. I want to rush and share a particular quote that I've found to be profound.

I want to share with you the ups and downs of ministry. I want to cry, rejoice, try and pray with you. Yes, I have friends, but I can only share in part in relation to the common grounds I have with them. For you, I want you to be part of everything I am part of.

Of course, I want to give you strength, encouragement and joy. I want to be there when you are sick and down. I want to trust you, be patient with you and to simply be there.

I want us to be provoke each other to good works. I want us to serve God full heartedly for the mission God has burned in our hearts.
I want to see you after a long day of tiring work, under the flicker of the candle in some far flung place, and be inspired to serve on. Together.
I want to be there as you pray for the homeless. I want to worry for you as you venture out to share God's love. I want you to rebuke me when I forget my purpose.
I want to pray for you as I watch you deliver your sermon. (not that I'm expecting you to be a pastor)
And if you just so happen to be a doctor, I want to make funny faces as you give injections to little children. (more probably they'll still cry because I really don't make good funny faces..haha)

I want to be there when there's not enough money to cover this month's bills after we have given all we have to those who need it far more than we do.
I want to write a book with you! haha. (I hope you are a better writer than I am)
I want you and me to talk to the younger people and encourage them on.

I want you to delight in my quirks and complexities. I want to respect your thoughts and you, as a person. I want to be myself with you and allow yourself to be yourself to me. I want to thank God for you, everyday.

I want to be accepted by you that I can be silent in your presence yet know everything is okay. I want to learn to accept you even though I may not always agree with you. I want to give in to you. I want to serve you. More than that, I want to serve God together with you. You'll cover my inadequacies as I fill yours, complementing each other.

I want you to be my fiercest critic and greatest supporter.

Maybe you exist, maybe not.

But I'm learning to rely on God today.
So that one day, maybe one day, I can rely on Him along with you.

In the midst of brokeness

"Two people can break you, either man or God. When man breaks you, you have to pick up your own pieces, but when God breaks you, He'll pick up your pieces and form you into the person that He sees you as."

I'm going

In at 180 turn around, I'm going for OA trip...

Lord, I just pray for enough grace to make it through everything AND still do WELL for my exams!

No Choice!

What do I want?
I really, really want to go for the Orang Asli mission trip.
Lord, I want to be part of the team. I want to experience going there, being among those who need You. I want to go before I leave for overseas. This might be my only chance for this season of my life as a student in Malaysia. I want to have my eyes opened, I want to be humbled by Your grace, I want to take on new challenges. I want to go! Lord, I really want to.

But.....
It's 5.46 in the morning and I can't sleep.
Responsibilities stalk my mind. I don't want and cannot be a lame-duck person in CF. I need to be faithful in things that You have so graciously entrusted me, Your unworthy person.
I need to study. I need to smile and be a friend without looking at my watch or fretting over lost time. I sit down and just talk, and more importantly listen to those You have impressed on my heart. I must be more sensitive to You, instead of running around without consulting You. I know I am at my worst because I have lost my basics, You.

I don't like to make this decision. I don't like to be a quitter. Lord, You know my desires.

It's far easier occupying my time with many events and feel like I've accomplished something for You instead of to be there for a friend at all times.
It's far easier to talk a lot about You but not put it into practice.
It's far easier to talk about prayer than to pray.
It's far easier to seek church related activities, than to seek the Lord of all.

Yet, I believe You have spoken. Even as I learn to say no to certain things, things that are very good but not necessarily the best for me, teach me to be obedient.

There will be another chance if it's Your will.
But meanwhile, help me be faithful and make a great impact where I am. Not for my own glory, but for You.

Teach me to seek after You first and foremost.

Make a diagnosis

Check yourself!
If you are depressed at the moment some of the following symptoms may sound familiar:

1) You feel miserable and sad.
2) You feel exhausted a lot of the time with no energy .
3) You feel as if even the smallest tasks are sometimes impossible.
4) You seldom enjoy the things that you used to enjoy-you may be off food or may 'comfort eat' to excess.
5) You feel very anxious sometimes.
6) You don't want to see people or are scared to be left alone. Social activity may feel hard or impossible.
7) You find it difficult to think clearly.
8) You feel like a failure and/or feel guilty a lot of the time.
9) You feel a burden to others.
10) You sometimes feel that life isn't worth living.
11) You can see no future. There is a loss of hope. You feel all you've ever done is make mistakes and that's all that you ever will do.
12) You feel irritable or angry more than usual.
13) You feel you have no confidence.
14) You spend a lot of time thinking about what has gone wrong, what will go wrong or what is wrong about yourself as a person. You may also feel guilty sometimes about being critical of others (or even thinking critically about them).
15) You feel that life is unfair.
16) You have difficulty sleeping or wake up very early in the morning and can't sleep again. You seem to dream all night long and sometimes have disturbing dreams.
17) You feel that life has/is 'passing you by.'
18) You may have physical aches and pains which appear to have no physical cause, such as back pain.


A person can be diagnosed as suffering from clinical depression if:

(A) Five (or more) of the following symptoms have been present during the same 2-week period and represent a change from previous functioning; at least one of the symptoms is either (1) depressed mood or (2) loss of interest or pleasure.

(1) depressed mood most of the day, nearly every day, as indicated by either subjective report (e.g., feels sad or empty) or observation made by others (e.g., appears tearful). Note: In children and adolescents, can be irritable mood.

(2) markedly diminished interest or pleasure in all, or almost all, activities most of the day, nearly every day (as indicated by either subjective account or observation made by others)

(3) significant weight loss when not dieting or weight gain (e.g., a change of more than 5% of body weight in a month), or decrease or increase in appetite nearly every day. Note: In children, consider failure to make expected weight gains.

(4) insomnia or hypersomnia nearly every day

(5) psychomotor agitation or retardation nearly every day (observable by others, not merely subjective feelings of restlessness or being slowed down)

(6) fatigue or loss of energy nearly every day

(7) feelings of worthlessness or excessive or inappropriate guilt (which may be delusional) nearly every day (not merely self-reproach or guilt about being sick)

(8) diminished ability to think or concentrate, or indecisiveness, nearly every day (either by subjective account or as observed by others)

(9) recurrent thoughts of death (not just fear of dying), recurrent suicidal ideation without a specific plan, or a suicide attempt or a specific plan for committing suicide


Okay, I'm not suicidal. But I can check almost all of the 18 symptoms listed above.
So am I depressed?
Can't even get out of bed, want to sleep and sleep only. Don't want to answer phone calls. Read and read and read (non medical stuff) non stop so that I don't need to think. Worry and worry. Feel guilty even in prayer. Clench teeth in sleep. Talk in sleep! (haha, terrible la) Don't feel like eating. Don't feel like talking to people.

Lord, please give me more grace and love, for your mercy is renewed everyday.
Grace to see the best in others.
Grace to carry on, not grudgingly but willingly.
Grace to smile from the wellspring of joy that comes from You.
Grace to accept my faults and move on.
Grace to let go.
Grace to hold on.
Grace to see You.

I know You will see me through.
Thanks Dad!

Sydney!

Giant Egg

Family

3 "monkeys"

Okay...I do look like my sisters.."scary"

Cousins...and we all look different

Beneath His wings. Hope. Refuge.

wedjijdoijsd

I'm very frustrated so...I just want to type nonsense.
sadjaosjdoij oidjoijdfcuhsdif oidajfiuawshd oidahflwuiahdciuhadciyg uehfiawuhfdiuahf audhfiuawdhfo oijfdjwf oij osdiajhfuawshdf wefhiuhwef

Pray for me. I'm losing my patience and my head.
I need to have time out but I can't.
I feel like I'm doing a lot of things that occupy a lot of time yet have no significance.
I get tons of sms everyday, but it's all about official things or other people's interests.
I want to shout in anger, but know I cannot.
I want to shake people but I must smile.
Argh.
Lord.
Grant me wisdom and patience. Grace and more grace.
Be real to me again.

G'Day from Sydney

Half way through my holidays in Sydney now..
It's just so beautiful and simply "wow"! Though I think I now have sunburn from beaing around the beach too much..

Last minute

It's 2:20 and my taxi is coming at 4.30...and I HAVE NOT PACKED to go to Australia yet......
Great....
Keep on pushing it to the last minute..and why am I blogging now when I should be packing??

Very messed up, too busy with a lot of things, and when everything's over, too apathatic to care about packing..

Yea Cindy..even after you forced me to go home from uni, I have not packed...

Love

To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to be sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries, aviod all entanglements, lock it up safe in a casket or coffin of selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless-it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredemable...the only place outside of Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers...of love is Hell.

We want...not so much a Father in heaven as a grandfather in heaven...who's plan for the universe was simply that it might be truly said at the end of each day "a good time was had for all."....I should very much like to live in a universe which was governed on such lines. But since it's abundantly clear that I don't, and since I have reason to believe nonetherless that God is love, I conclude my conception of love needs correction.

The problem of human suffering with the existance of a God who loves is only insoluble as long as we attach a trival meaning to the word "love" and look on things as if man were the centre of them. Man is not the centre. God does not exist for the sake of man. Man does not exist for his own sake....We were made not primarly that we might love God (though we were made for that too) but that God may love us.

But that God may love us.
C.S. Lewis

Overpowered by UM students, sigh, where's IMU?

Practising baptism

Guys...and their posts...

CYZ unite!!!

sunset.....

Beating together

Didn't know a single person at first. Didn't know what laid in store. Didn't even know how I'd get there. Didn't know why I signed up....but it was a great experience...MCPP part1...Port Dickson.

Actually, it never even cross my head to go to mission preperation course...after all, it needed a weekend and yea...being busy and stuff, really didn't expect to go. But, so happened another CG member wanted to go, and I thought oh well, if my exams are over, it'll be good to bond with her. So yea, signed up via Peter..not even sure when, where, what to do...

Thankfully, it was right after endo even though in the end I was the only one who went from cg. Met with some of the CYZ people. Really an interesting mix of students, one UM maths whiz, two chemists' students, one future teacher, one engineer to be...and of course lots of uncles and aunties...since the camp was a mix camp irrespective of age.
From retirees to students like us...all 38 of us...

Somehow God arrranged transport, arranged friends, arranged every single thing to the last detail. The most wonderful thing was that everyone shared the same heart, the same passion, the same vision. People who are not ashamed to cry and intercede for the lands, the 10/40 window...
We didn't even need to speak words to convey the longings of our hearts, it was the same heartbeat, beating together...and somehow everyone bonded very well, because we shared the same purpose. It's like everyone catching the essense...can't even explain...but just catching it.

Of course, I'm not going to run off to some interior of Thailand just yet. This was just a short prep for a short mission trip...but yea, did lots of fun stuff, like going into the sea to practise baptism on each other, prayer walking and acting out mimes. Praying. Crying..haha..surrendering, eating..doing funny ice breakers. Learning. Struggling with call of God and self. Playing with sand (surprisingly, that stretch of beach was quite clean). Being exposed to nations where DUMC has sent mission teams, Cambodia, Thailand, Myanmar, China, Sarawak, Orang Asli (I might go this dec...might, might..haha), Nepal.

Was very blessed by Su Foong and Kian Leong, and their two kids, Sarah and Seth..
A normal, upper middle class family, who went on their first short term mission trip 2 years ago. In the space of just 2 years, give up everything to go to Thailand. Inspired by Su Foong especially. How in tears she would share to us the struggles they will face when they go to Thailand. Their children's education. Giving up comfort. Leaving behind familiar faces. Learning a new language. Toiling in a hostile land. Just, just to follow the call of Jesus. But the joy. And surrender. Simple obedience. Laughter and smiles.

If I leave for UK next year, the only few countries I can go would be Cambodia and probably Thailand..and that's if my holidays coincide with the trips. Would love to go to Nepal even thought the previous DUMC team to Nepal was held overnight by Maoist rebels not to mention the dangerous clifts and mountains we have to climb in Nepal (lots and lots of walking from 1 village to another). Of course, my mum really think twice before giving approval..haha.

I don't know. Haha :) Lord, wherever You provide. And thank you for reminding me last weekend about You and about my future. Although it's will not be the most glamorous or instantly gratifying journey to take, hold me close to You. That I will feel your heartbeat and move in Your direction. Even if You send me all alone to some small place (like Labuan..haha), even if my tears will not stop following, even if it costs everything I want, even if it's just You and me. Your grace is sufficient for me.

Really, I don't want to assume I'll 100% be some missionary or a compassionate, selfless doctor. Or that I'll definately be going to some far off country for You. I'm not naive or overconfident that I'll be willing to forsake the temptations of staying overseas with all the money, perks and comfort. I pray that I will not be another wannabe idealistic medic student who loses the passion once I hit the reality of injustice, corruption and plain suffering as a doctor. I hope and Lord, please, I pray, that You soften my heart even more when I see the mess of this world.

I don't know. I don't know. This is just the begining of a long long journey. Full of twists and turns. Holes and ravines. Uncertainties. I'm not confident to say that I'll definately stay strong till the end. A lot of things can change. But You don't. You know all things. And that's enough. That's enough.

Abandonment

Daddy,
Do you see my hands,
Scarred and bleeding,
Climbing the steepest clifts,
From the deepest of ravines.

Lord,
As Nehemiah repeatedly whispered, wrote,
Pleaded and proclaimed,
Remember me.
Remember me.
Remember me.

Lord,
Doesn't matter,
To be misunderstood, misquoted.
You were too.

Daddy,
Being real hurts,
Vulnerability formally so guarded,
Exposed deliberately, yes, deliberately for You.
That if in my foolishness,
Your glory maybe revealed,
So be it.
Even if I appear naked,
Remind me You hung naked,
on the Cross,
that dripped with blood.

Lord,
You know all things.
You know why tears are shed.
You know why I worry.
You know why I struggle.
You know who I am and what I'm doing.
And even if I am ugly and weak
in the eyes of the world,
Remind me.

You matter more.

Abandoning everything for You.
Daddy,
Please. Keep me close to you.
Shield me for I hurt.
Carry me for I limp.
Protect me for I am attacked.
Love me.

You matter more.

Cliche

i hate cliche answers yet I myself give out cliche answers...

Comfort Foods

The funny and weird eating habits of medical students to ward of stress...and the lack of food in Vista Commenwealth.

1) Eating bread with mayo (on a budget, so that's what I'm eating now..haha, fattening but nice...haha)
(Pasta with mayo works too..)

2) Eating milo out of the can with a spoon (stopped that nowadays, but that's what I did in SPM...)

3) Eating peanut butter sans bread...(sem 3 stress..haha...can lead to coronary heart disease..not advisible...but if you want to try, buy chunky peanut butter...put the whole spoon in the peanut butter and eat straight off)

4) Bread with ice cream...

5) Tomato sauce, alone (not me...)

6) Mamee Instant Noodles, without cooking, straight from pack...(eat like eating potato chips...crispy...haha. Btw, I don't like eating maggi that way though cuz maggi's noodles are less cooked)

7) Lots and lots of goreng pisang, burgers, lekor and tau fu fah...(yea, that's some people's dinner)

8) Buying one whole tube of ice cream (2liters) and eating for dinner...(my friend's "dish" for dinner, obviously, he's a guy...no girl would dare to do that)

9) Brownie for dinner (EP...that's not dinner K!)

10) Open campbell's soup, add sausage, add a bit of vege, instant noodles=dinner (Not me yea...Haha..)

11) Another defination of healthy eating:
Fish=tuna canned fish, or overflour coated fish in the sweet and sour fish dish
Vegetable=little speaks of mix vegetable in the FA fried rice
Chicken=little speaks of chicken in FA fried rice

12) Proven way to lose weight (fren's success story....)
Eat nothing but Jacob's biscuits.
When hungry drink water.
Repeat daily for 6 months.

13) "Treat" for IMU students:
Mc Donalds
Eating in hawker centre in Mien Tien (we often look like we have not eaten for days cuz we always end up ordering multiple dishes)
Mamak

Disclaimer: Not advisble to copy the above menus.
General Surgons warning: Caution! Eating the above can predispose to coronary heart disease, cerebral vascular accidents, diabetes and poor nutritional status including hair loss.

Any other habits to add? (medic/non medic doesn't matter)
(P.S. But I'm healthy too...I don't have salt in my house. Or sugar.)

Ooi Ben Shyen

To the guy who googles his own name (tak tahu malu, shakes head) and found my blog.
I'll humour you so that you'll have more hits to your name...
Ooi Ben Shyen. Ooi Ben Shyen. Ooi Ben Shyen.
Haha...
Ok, seriously, if you want to know about God and how to worship God unashamedly, Ooi Ben Shyen is the guy to meet.
He'll sing in front of exam halls just before exams. And answer questions from the back of the lecture theater.
Plus only Ben Shyen does this to the simulated patient in CSU during history taking in front of Doctor Juriah..

Ben Shyen: Where do you stay?
Simulated patient: Subang Jaya
Ben Shyen: Wow! Me too..What's your religion?
Simulated patient: Christian
Ben Sheyn: Praise God! (with full of enthusiasm)
(Dr Juriah comments: So unprofessional! You are not taking this seriously. Stop smilling)

And when he is asked to describe the condition of the patient:
(what we normally say is: patient is well nourished, not in any sign of pain, respiratory distress or confusion. Alert and communicative)

Ben Shyen: Patient is young. Has two eyes, pointed nose. Looks quite handsome. Seems to be friendly.

So yea, Ben Shyen...I'm done with promoting you....P.s.you owe me an actor's performace for Fri Nite :)
If you have trouble spotting him, he's the self proclaimed hairest Chinese male.
But passionate for God. Not to mention famous for singing praises to God...and himself (yea, memang tak tahu malu)...haha.
C yea ben!

On another note, I think the pipes in my apartment are the most prayed for pipes in the whole of vista. Just had a prayer meeting with housemate to pray for the pipe...haha...
But yea, really desperate for water now! Lord, when the plumber comes tomorrow, please enable everything to be fixed and running perfectly! Thank You in advance...

H20 Frustrations!!!

(If u do decide to read, haha, u have to bear with my complaints..)
The main pipe that supplies all the water to my apartment has burst!! And to make matters worst, it is a in-wall pipe....and the owner is a very difficult man (to put it in nice terms)

Initially it started with just a leak, and we complained to the owner. The "smart" owner said it was just a minor problem and asked us to find the management. Fine. We got the management. Waited for the management. Two days pass. The management came. Said that it needs to be repaired by a plumber. Okay. Now we have to call plumber. Wait again. Plumber comes. Schedules a repair 4 days later. Wait. Meanwhile leak gets worst and worst, dripping down to the apartment below. Hopes they don't complain. The washing machine area is constantly flooded. Owner refuses to come and see the problem. Things we are a bunch of spoilt girls who are making petty complains.

Plumber comes with tools and everything, wants to charge RM300. To break down wall and to repair. (reasonable)
Owner (argh) disagress. Plumber angry. Leaves.

Owner suggests his own plumber. Wait another 2 days. The plumber comes. Checks and says, that he doesn't want to repair because he's not familiar with the plan of the pipes in vista. Calls owner, and the owner's own plumber said that the original plumber's charge of RM300 was reasonable. Owner now caught in own game. But doesn't want to admit it. And delays calling the original plumber. And when we complain that he should have let the original plumber do it the first time, he gives excuses that he must make sure that the plumber wasn't cheating..blah, blah, blah.

Now, owner comes. And sees the extend of the problem. Oh, did I forget to mention that my room is now flooded too? Have to mop the floor every 2 hours.....and the cupboard where the leak started through the wall is now damp.

Have very tense conversation with owner. Owner tries to find a number of other plumbers. All which are not willing to come and repair.
Owner bites own humble pie. Calls up the original plumber. Luckily the original plumber agrees to repair the pipe for RM 300. And this was saturday. Plumber can only make repairs on the following tuesday.

Meanwhile we have to turn off the main pipe, and turn it on when we need to use water, going in and out of our apartment everytime we needed water.
And mop all the leakings in the room.
Okay. Still bearable.
Until just now....the main pipe BURST!
Now, we can't even turn on the main pipe...it's 30 hours away from repairs...no water for one and a half days...
And...to make things worst, the damage is now bigger, which may amount to a higher cost...and the owner...is being very stingy!!!
He says....that we should not pay the plumber after he finishes his work, in case it leaks again. And he expects us to tell that to the plumber..Which would leave us to the plumber's warth....
And since the damage has become worst, it may cost more than RM 300....
(Owner threatens to deduct from our deposit to pay for the repairs...when the responsibility is acutally his! He's already not happy with paying RM300, we are afraid he'll ask the plumber to not do the repairs if the plumber needs to charge more....and leave us without water for even longer) and the extend of the leak maybe the whole apartment's pipes....

This whole thing has tested my patience to the max. It's one of the few times I've raised my voice on the phone (Oh yes, to chase the owner to come we had to call the owner 3 times everyday...if not, he'll just conveniently" forget")
10 days of calling a gumpy owner multiple times, 10 days of leaks everywhere...and now, waterless...

I can actually go and stay with other people, but Endo is 4 days away..I doubt I can study in another person's apartment.

Have to go to the rubbish collection's pipe to carry water into the apartment...
Argh..

I was really really frustrated and impatient over the whole water chaos. It really disurbed my concentration while studying for exams.
But even as I was complaining to mum over this water things, she said something that really made sense.

Yes, it's an inconvenience, but it's just an inconvenience. Think of others who do not even have piped water supply, the poor, those in squatters...or missionaries who go to the interiors...to bath in the river, drink unclorinated water..

Lord, I'll never take piped water forgranted again!!! :)
But Lord, please restore our water supply and may leaks not happen again in this apartment...

Fool..

I am a fool. (Haha, laughs cynically)
Fool. Fool. Fool. Yep, a stupid, idotic fool.

Only fools think that things can be changed.
Only fools believe that lives can be transformed, even when one's own life is struggling to be transformed.
Only fools run around doing something that does not even benefit oneself.
Only fools pray for people who really make one cry.
Only fools try and fall. And stupidly try again. Only to fall again.
Only fools refuse to scumb to apathy, yet know apathy is bliss.
Only fools still believe in a system that is rotten and imperfect.
Only fools go down to streets to be rejeted.
Only fools believe that Christianity is salvagable.
Only fools try to hold on to principles that clearly do not seem to "pay out"
Only fools believe in people.
Only fools worry for others yet is helpless to do anything.
Only fools fight a losing battle.
Only fools do the most stupid things that don't get appreciated, get critized and have no results.
Only fools think to0 much.
Only fools take dating seriously and miss out on happiness, and appear desperate and get looks of sympathy.
Only fools are emotional and get labelled such.
Only fools refuse to let things rot, and get themselves involved in people's mess.
Only fools lose hope yet try to find optimism even though optimism is hard to find and then get frustrated.
Only fools care for things, people, events, circumstances that break one's heart to the max, and then wonder what's all the hearbreak all about because it's easier to just ignore and concentrate on one's own life.
Only fools bring more trouble on themselves, unneccessarily.
Only fools hope for someone who will still love and treasure them, even though clearly nobody falls for fools.
Only fools want to give up, can give up, yet won't give up, and struggle like mad to press on when they don't give up.
Only fools know they are fools yet still want to be fools.
Only fools.

Yet He was the ULTIMATE fool, in the eyes of the world, naked on the cross.
The fool,
Who didn't need to die.
Didn't need to come down, be tempted, cry, be rejected, be mocked, be misunderstood, be beaten, scorned.
Didn't need to be disappointed in twelve men joslting for the right hand seat, or betrayed for 30 pieces of silver.
Didn't need to be born in a smelly stable. Be so vulnerable.
Didn't need to see the sufferings of people. Didn't need to hurt where people hurt.
The fool, who's heart did not need to be broken when He saw people without a shephard.
The fool, who could have called legions of angels, than to have his clothes gambled for.
The fool, who risked everything, the whole church, on 11 men, one who denied him 3 times, others who fled when he hung on the cross.
The fool who didn't even have a place to rest his head. The fool who could have all the riches, glory and power. Yet, rejected all, for me.

The perfect One. Who chose to be a fool. Humble and obedient to death on the cross.

Lord, I feel like a stupid, idiotic fool.
But Lord if I'm going to be a fool, may I be a fool for You.
Fool, but a fool who loves You, and more importantly pleases You.
Hide me and remind me of Your love. For yes, I am human, who wants to be secure and accepted too... I hate to be the fool.
Yet Lord, fool for You. Not by my own strength or heart. But, because You chose to be a fool for me, first. Help me.

No!

I am only one,
but still I am one.

I cannot do everything,
but I can do something.

And because I cannot do everything.
I will not refuse to do something I can do.
I will not refuse to do something I can do.
I will not refuse to do something I can do!!

Lord, do the rest! The stakes are high. Things WILL fail. And it's good!
Because I do not expect anything less than what You have promised.
And when common sense says things will fail, I thank you, because it's when You will step in and make everything succeed. According to Your plans, Your timing, Your power.
Dream dreams that is destined to fail by human wisdom, unless God intervenes. For then, His power will be made perfect in weakness. Faith. Trust. Grace.

Necrosis at 10:19pm

I've just finished my dinner...after 3 hours of staring at food..with 30 minutes of sleep in between...won't actually eat it, but must because I didn't eat lunch, except a b'day cake in the afternoon. Too tired to eat. (You better not tell mama okay...she'll kill me 100% for not eating and then worry that I'm overtaxing)

Notes are lagging. A lot of other things to be done. The irony, I'm busy because of people, yet I'm too busy to even talk to people properly. What's the use of running around everywhere, yet miss out on people, the very reason I'm running around?

It's not that I don't want to pioritize my time or let go of some things...I knew this would happen even before I started the semester.
I've cut down to the bare minimum. I want to let go of certain things, but I will not drop it until someone else continues on because the needs are just so great. Yes, I can choose to ignore things but can I?
Like Miss Vijaya said to the question "Why should we pray for our campus and families?" The answer, "Can we afford not too?"
No, I cannot and hopefully will not delibrately ignore the needs around me.
Even if it means crying for people. Crying with people. I think I've cried 3 times in one week...and it has nothing to do with PMS okay (Ben Shyen!). No, nothing to do with BGR or exams....(will cry at higher frequencies if due to these things..haha..j/k!)
I am not a saint/matyr who is oh so holy and perfect either.
I'm just a simple person, with a broken heart. Like Joanne said, " we are broken hearts, crying to God to move in our land."

Really hate to tax my committee people too. Who am I to say "press on" , when my own strength is sapped? And no, I'm not out to kill everyone. I'm practical and not callous to their schedules and lives as well. If anyone of you are reading this, seriously, I really don't want to kill you with CF burdens...but we cannot let oppurtunities slip by! Limp with me, if you can't run, because I'm limping as well...but limping nonetherless, by His strength, for His glory.

I just want to crawl under my blanket and sleep and sleep and not think of anything at all!
Every moment I'm awake there are things to be done, people to call, books to be read, needs that must be addressed, prayers to plead...I can't walk in IMU without having my heart gripped for people I see along the way, and yet aware there's only so much I can do and to just pray.

Of course, I fail a lot of times too. Fail to be sensitive to people's needs. Fail to care. Fail to do follow up on new Christians/people interested in God, until people get colder to things (very very bad, don't ever fail this way). Fail to get to know people better.
At the same time, I'm no pastor as well. And I must PASS everything in IMU too...and yes, I do need time out as well (to find a bf...haha...I AM JUST KIDDING!!! :) )
So human, so helpless, that's why You must intervene and move strongly!

If anyone of you see me tomorrow and I start talking again, it means I've recovered. I'm not going to pretend I'm eager to talk if I'm not, so if I talk again, it means I really am sincere... :)

I know I will be okay, by His strength and grace. And a good night's sleep. :)
If of anything, pray not for me first, but for my family, my friends, my CGs, IMU. Of course, it doesn't mean I don't need prayers! (need tons of it)
At the end the day, if I die, it's just me, doesn't matter much.
But Lord, please answer the prayers for my family, friends, IMU, Malaysia, the world before mine.
My needs are nothing compared to the groans and aches everywhere.
Hear Lord! Hear...

My plea

Lord of reality, make me real
not plastic synthetic
pretend phony
an actor playing out his part, hypocrite.

I don't want to keep a prayer list
but to pray
nor agonize to find Your will
but to obey
what I already know.

To argue the theories of inspiration,
but submit to Your word.

I don't want to explain the difference
between eros and philos and agape,
but to love.

I don't want to sing as if I mean it,
I want to mean it.

I don't want to tell it like it is,
but to be it like what You want it.

I don't want to think another needs me,
but I need him, else I'm not complete.

I don't want to tell others how to do it,
but to do it.
to have to be always right,
but to admit it when I'm wrong.

I don't want to be a census taker,
but an obstetrician
nor an involved person, a professional,
but a friend

I don't want to be insensitive
but to hurt where others hurt
nor to say I know how you feel,
but to say God knows

and I'll try
if you be patient with me
and meanwhile I'll be quiet.

I don't want to scorn the cliches of others
but to mean everything I say
including this.
John Bayly "Psalm of Singlemindedness" 1969

The Ritz

The Ritz...Got butler some more, but of course, kampung people don't know how to use, even uncomfortable to have the bulter do the unpacking or carry bags...

Of course, there are advantages like chocolates before bedtime (Pic) haha.. :) Bubble baths..
Really glad for the company too...
Seldom get such chances where he will come down to KL nowadays, especially since my dad's second doctor resigned 6 months ago (and there's no doctor who wants to take over, cuz no one wants to come to Labuan)
And the advantages of being a doctor is that they'll fly you all the way and give you a nice hotel room just to hear a one hour talk. (yea, it adds up to patients cost, but anyway...haha)

Main reason why he came was also to meet his parents who are down from Aus for holidays. And since my uncle is also attending the talk, it was kind of a family reunion (sponsered by Abbott..haha) Grandparents have only been here for 3 weeks, but they really want to go back because they can't stand the weather. Since living there for 10 years, they are very Australian in many ways (not used to the weather, transport, jams, pollution) but very Chinese/Malaysian in many ways too (bringing power bars all the way from Aus for me...when it's actually cheaper to buy from Carrrefour..) But it's really better for them to be in Australia, where all their daughters are and where life is so much convenient for them.

Dad's coming AGAIN, this Sat...and this time it's Palace of the Golden Horses...
Thankfully, it's the first two weeks of endo...but yea, really want to cherish the time since it's rare that he can take time off, and won't get such oppurtunities when I go overseas next year...
Of course, get to use all the hotel facilities too...and attend some talks (some only because I don't want to go for all, want to enjoy the pool/etc instead..haha)

Lord, thank you for bonuses, things I don't even request for, and yet You provide. You know how much I really treasure time with dad, especially because he's not the talkative type on the phone...Indeed, You provide beyond what I need or even want.

Thoughts

(No need to read. Just something I'm writing to God. Just so happen to be in the blog page and the flow of thoughts just came...and I needed to write it out in black and white to God. Yes, weird but true)

Y do I need to be in CF? (I always ask myself this) What can CF offer that other churches don't? Especially since there have been brushes with other churches that made me, on the side of view of CF a bit unhappy.

Honestly, CF cannot offer ppl a lot of things. There's no pastor. No fixed preaching. Yea, sometimes the things we do may not be spiritual enough for some, or too spiritual for some. CF has been called too boring, too happening, too superficial, too deep. Argh.
CF cannot please everyone. And they have an unfit president too... :)

But yea, why CF? Why invest so much time and effort in?
CF is unique. If there's one thing CF can offer, it's the mix of medical and pharmacy students. There's no other CF in other universities that are only made up of medical and pharmacy students. Which is why I really hope CF can serve the students something different than what churches present.

Missions. I really and truly believe that CF must start to sow the seeds of missions and love for the underprivillaged. These are the critical years of a student's life. Of decisions. Of purpose. Of exposure. Of challenge.
IMU CF must be a sharp sword that penetrates the soul of students that their profession MUST be harnessed for God.

We already have such an amazing oppurtunity to study medicine/pharmacy. And indeed, how much the nation and nations need doctors who can make a difference. You know the potential. But what use is potential that is not realized?

Lord, if of anything, any programs, any activities, please, remind us why we are placed in IMU CF. Our direction. That we are not merely limited to here and now. But beyond. Beyond.
Somehow, despite the impossibility of logitics/planning/logic...please, enable us to go to one mission trip this semester. It may be near or far or great or even lousy, but let us take the step of faith, as IMU CF to go out.

Lord, let not oppurtunities slip from our fingers. Move.

Ugh...

Migrane..
Too busy?

Helpless...

Sigh. Refrain. Surrender.

Father, save me from myself! Take it away now, please. please.
Thank you that even though You are invisble, You are invincible.
Intervene.

Enslaved?

Yea, I suppose to be studying for endo now, but I just must put this down in words before everything corrodes my soul.

In this past month or so, I've seen two very passionate and strong Christians totally and I mean totally say "I'm not a Christian anymore. I'm not with church anymore." They are resolute and firm in turning 180 degrees. It's not like the "normal" cases where people slowly diminish in coming to church or burn out slowly. Both cases have come like an explosion to me, at least.

They were both leaders and really active in their own ministries. Both from different churches, but from churches that are solid and firm. Before I went off, the girl was just telling me how she wants to serve as a nurse in Saudi Arabia to reach people for Jesus. Now, she tells me that every God is the same and that she doesn't believe in Jesus anymore. Huh? In one month, such drastic changes can happen? It's like getting cold water splashed on my face!

I'm lost for words. No, I'm not judging. Rather, these things made me think deeper. They are people who were so sold out for God. What happened? When I was struggling, they were encouragements to be passionate for Him. And now? Who do look too? If such strength fails, and passion dies, what more a struggling, weak person like me?

Truth be told, sometimes I really feel so burdened by "ministry." So tired of caring. (not that I'm great in caring though). So tired of praying for people who turn around and say, I'm sorry I don't want to go to church anymore. So weary of messaging people who by now must be dreading to see my sms on their handphones. So sick of worrying for transport. So tired of talking to people who are not even responsive. So sick of wondering, hey why is she/he not here today? is anything wrong? So exhausted of making sure everyone is doing okay, when I myself am half dead. So so weary of being disappointed in things. Am I disappointed in God? No. Thankfully. But yea, honestly disappointed in certain circumstances though.

Yet I am so thankful to Him for reminding me, loving God is not a burden. Serving Him is not a sacrifice. It's a privillage! Saturday's sermon hit the nail in the head. Am I really enjoying God? Can I honestly say, like Charles Swindoll, "I will do full time ministry even if they don't pay me anything at all, because I enjoy it." From a man who has seen the ups and downs, trials and tribulations of pastoring congregations, it's not spoken lightly.

I don't want to be in "ministry" out of obligation, out of guilt, out of striving to please God. I want to serve because He first served me, and still serves me every day. I want to enjoy every single moment, be it in disappointments, people problems and of course, the miracles and joys too. I want to live in grace and not in law. And then to obey law because of grace.

I'm not super spiritual or whatever. But I know one thing that can kill me, service out of obligation. Lord, teach me to serve with joy even when people do not turn up for CG. Or when people don't come to CF. Or when "Christianity" is such a messy religion. I don't want to be enslaved in being a "Christian." I want to be enslaved by Your love.

I don't want to be serving God merely to enjoy His blessings. Instead, I want to enjoy serving God and say, I am blessed because I can serve You. So that when tears come, and doors slam, I can still enjoy You. Please, teach me! I never want to depart from You.
(P.s. "Christianity" as in the legalistic "Christianity", not the original meaning of Christianity that was coined during the presecution of Christians in the Roman Empire)

Of phones and newspapers...

My dad remarked just now, "So now you have 2 handphones and 1 land line? What kind of business are you running?"

Oops...okay, it sounds very extravagant to have 2 handphones and 1 land line. But it's not because I'm rich or have money to burn. It's just that it's more economical to actually have 3 phones. For myself and those who have to call me. So actually I save more in having 3 lines than one. And save others money too! :) See, I'm considerate..haha.

Now, on newspapers. As much as I dislike admitting this, I think I'm a newspaper addict. Must read newspaper everyday without fail. I think it's a family thing because my 10 year old cousin is reading The Star and craves his paper too. When I went to his house last Thursday, we had 3 copies of The Star. I bought one, my uncle bought one, my grandfather bought one.

Back home in Labuan, when the newspaper arrives, we often have to split it apart into sections because everyone wants to read at the same time. My dad used to subscribe to both The Star and New Straits Times, until they jacked up the price to RM1.80. But we still buy the two newspapers on Sundays. So yea, my family is crazy about newspapers/magazines/books.

I have no problems fasting on food. But the last time I tried fasting newspaper reading, I think I only lasted 3 days out of 1 week. But since the Dream Centre fund has started, I feel that I must give "sacrificially". Something that actually costs me something, maybe not totally in financial terms but in terms of piorities. (It's actually easier for me to skip lunch and save that money than to skip newspapers..weird, weird, weird) So yea, I'm starting my newspaper fasting tomorrow...till the coming Sunday. It's just RM 8.40 in savings but in terms of "sacrifice", it really hits me. Of course no cheating by reading newspapers in library too.
So to those who are reading this, please keep me accountable to my fast.
I really hope I can use the average 30-40 minutes that I spend reading the papers daily to pray for my own family, CG, IMU, Malaysia....

Censored...

You are not authorized to view this page
You might not have permission to view this directory or page using the credentials you supplied.

That's what I got when I tried to view www.limkitsiang.blogspot.com
Could view it the first time, but not on subsequent visits...
Interesting and puzzling too.

Kaki bangku!

Played futsal with CG today. What I knew all along was displayed in front of everyone. I'm hopeless at kicking the ball! Totally kaki bangku. Thankfully, the guys were polite enough to not laugh at my face. Haha. Kicked the ball to the wrong opponent because my angle was off. Kicked the ball so softly that Peter said I didn't eat enough rice. Apologizing too much to people when I got in their way.

But it was really fun. Although most of the time was spent trying to duck from being hit by the football. With eight guys and four girls, the guys were nice enough to not play rough with us girls although there were some minor unintentional mishaps along the way. Yet it really bonded us together. Yea, it was a good experience. Something new. Something different. Something interesting. Something Sarah would never do but had do because the whole CG went.

It also reminded me about my CG experience. Initially didn't really like CG. Felt everyone was so different, especially the Commenwealth, where there are super risk taking business students to computer programming students who are so "canggih" in computer jargon. Engineering students who are so systematic, to a law student who debates on the questions in the study material. And of course, medical students like yours truly who are often the most "unhappening" people around.

But hey, it's really a great mix of people. Bordens my views. Allows me to be more open. Rubs off their creativity to me. Encourage me to be more bold. To be vulnerable and accountable. Brings a new dimension to the way I relate to people and God. Hearing on and on about how Setiawan is the best place in Malaysia (and how "Fu Chau" people are the best). And having the guy from Tanggak disagreeing. People who won't mind driving all the way to PJ/USJ to pick us to church and back. Not forgetting, telling super lame jokes with Jesse about how we are "related." Believe me, the mix of Jesse and Richard plus a bit of Philip= lethal laughing session.

Looking forward to the next retreat! Thank you Lord for CG. The various people. Different personalities. Yet, You who binds us all together.

Perfection

It's getting overused..
But really, I'm not perfect.
Doesn't mean it's an excuse I give to cover my mistakes
Or that I'm not striving to be more like the Perfect one.
Neither does it mean that I don't give my best.
Or cross my arms and be content in imperfection.
But it simply means,
I'm aware of my weakness.
My fallings.
And the realization that I cannot be perfect,
Until and unless I'm made perfect in His sight,
Because of His blood.
So even though I'll be imperfect to the day I die,
At least I'll walk towards perfection,
And learn to be contented in imperfection that slowly
but hopefully steadily diminishes
even as He perfects me.
Imperfect, but willing to be made perfect, in the Perfect One :)

"Jiwangness.."

Papa, teach me not just to anticipate the destination, but to savour the journey!

"The present moment holds infinite riches beyond your wildest dreams, but you will only enjoy them to the extent of your faith and love … To discover God in the smallest and most ordinary things, as well as in the greatest, is to posses a rare and sublime faith." The Sacrament of the Present Moment, author Jean Pierre de Caussade

My dearests...

You know, it does not matter how many lives I touch. You both matter much more to me. Of course sometimes we get cross at each other and argue. I really must apologize when I'm less patient with you both than with others. No doubt, you have seen me at my worst as well.
Yet, I really thank God for you both. In many ways you have shaped and influenced me.

I've walked the path you both are walking now. And my heart bleds for you. For I really don't want you to fall in the holes I've fallen. Or cry the tears I've shed. Or taste the bitter disappointments I've swallowed. I really want to protect you both from the ugliness of it all. Yet, I know I must allow you learn these heart breaking but essential lessons for yourself. And I must learn trust in God who loves you even more than I can ever do, to nuture you, to watch over you, to protect you and to lead you.

I just thought of you when I read this..

I want to teach you something wise, but I am still so foolish.
I want to inspire you to be free, yet I still wear my chains like jewelry.
But hopefully my honesty and vulnerability speaks louder than my false confidence.
I want you to know that fame, fortune and popularity never bring security. That self confidence is only found in knowing that Abba Father truly loves you.
That the only way we are ever secure is in our skin, knowing that our "Daddy" loves us, just as we are, and that makes us OK.

I pray that I'll speak out in love when needed. But more importantly, to learn to be silent to just care and pray. To not judge but share my own struggles, and struggle along with you.

It's not easy. Yet, even as I'm learning it myself, He is worth it.

Sabrina and Serene, maybe it's easier for me to put it in words. But I'm totally not embarrassed to write this out publically (not that anyone reads my blog anyway..haha) because you are worth more than my pride.
I care. And above all, I really pray that you'll stick ever so so close to God. Because this world is just so ugly. Growing up is just so hard. Being His child is not the easiest. Neither is it a breeze to live out your faith, and still be vibrant and beautiful as the girls God has so wonderfully made both of you.
Yes, I know. It's not easy. But I'll be there. More comfortingly, God will be there.

A tale of two paradoxes

IT WAS the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, we had everything before us, we had nothing before us, we were all going direct to Heaven, we were all going direct the other way- in short, the period was so far like the present period, that some of its noisiest authorities insisted on its being received, for good or for evil, in the superlative degree of comparison only.

Everything is going terribly wrong, yet everything is going terribly right, because You intervene.
It is indeed the best and worst of times.
Help us.

Just a sideline..
Some maths I learnt...
difficulty+humanity=maturity+humility

You know..

Hey you!
I've missed you all.
Yea,
it's weird to be back
So early,
so soon.
For "reasons"
that I don't even believe,
I myself would be willing,
to "sacrifice" for.

You know,
I wish you both can come,
and share the rollercoaster journey,
I'm riding with God right now.
There's lots of highs,
Lots of lows too.
Stomach churning moments,
and breath-taking views.
Yet it's all alrite,
because He's next to me.
Always.

Three out of six.
But time is not proportionate,
to where my piorities lie,
Despite the contradiction.
If only everything I'm doing,
is where you all are.

Thank you.
For understanding.
For sharing your lives,
over 012.
In many ways,
I can't be there,
But in many ways,
I'll be there.
I promise.

Thank you.
For praying.
For doing crazy stuff with me.
Thank you,
for love ain't just about receiving,
but giving.

Thank you.
For releasing me.
To be here.
This early.
I miss you both!

Can't!

Please,
I really can't,
You can,
Do something,
Beyond expectations!
You can.
You will.

Through the eyes of a "desperate" girl

I'm back in IMU. And there was a Carnival Sure Heboh TV3 at the stadium. Which I went. Too desperate and free according to Philip. Because such events only attract Malays and not Chinese.
There were more than 10,000 people there, though I could count the number of Chinese people I saw with 2 hands. Booths and stalls selling everything from fishes to sweets to clothes to "ubat mujarab" to books and even television sets. Plus the loud, typical malay rock songs with lots of bass and screaming.





Okay, maybe I really am too free. But I think Ps. Daniel's message on Saturday prompted me to go. When he spoke on praying and claiming territorial ground in every step we take. To see beyond the natural into the supernatural. What better event to go where so many of those we in Malaysia often side-step in evangelism are?

So I even went into the "jejak rasul" exhibition. Read the stories and saw the pictures of Prophet Muhammad s.a.w (wow, my sejarah still works..haha).
There were also displays of the rest of the nabi-nabi including nabi Isa, Jesus.
Lord, may they know the real reason of hope.

Of course, I was not all serious there and throwing salt all around. (DUMC ppl will understand what I mean..haha) Plus, in all the merriment, there's tons of rubbish too.

But I had fun. Spotting children. (okay, maybe I'm desperate to a certain extend) And participated in the "Largest Batik Making banner" (or something like that)
Observing not just people, but their faces, trying to guess their stories. Not just walking, claiming. Not just touching, but feeling the silk of the kebaya. Not just hearing, but listening. Truly Lord, again I ask, may I not look at things with natural eyes and perceptions. But open my eyes to see the chariots of fire. The vision. The hope. The truth. Even in a Carnival Sure Heboh.

Sight

No Cindy, that's not me..haha

Truth, will they know?



Innocence smile



Truly Lord, bless Malaysia. its people. its land. this nation.

Knowing?

As I try and predict
on what I think
I know will happen,
I begin to know
that I don't know
what to predict at all.

Because I know
how much I really don't,
I pray to You,
my All-knowing.

Reveal to me,
what I need to know.

Yet help me to trust,
when I don't know what you know.

And teach me
when I doubt,
to know that You know.

For ultimately
in everything I know and don't,
I know I'm safe
in the arms of You,
who knows.

Be still and know that I am the Lord. Psalm 46:10

I don't know what I'm writting at all. Hahaha

Death

It's really ironic. The last time I went to the commonwealth War Memorial was nearly 10 years ago. Of course, nobody normally visits burial grounds (even though Labuan is small and "boring"). But since Thomas and Man Keat came last week, I took them to all the tourist spots in Labuan. And the war memorial.

It has not been corrupted by the erosion of time. It's still quiet, peaceful with rows and rows of white stones marking the passing of lives. I told myself that I must come once again before I leave for KL.

I went today, on the eve of leaving. In retrospect, it seemed really weird. Because I went alone, at 2.30 p.m. in the hot afternoon sun, and nobody was there at all. I think the drivers in cars passing the memorial must have thought I was crazy to be wandering around a burial ground, alone, while being burnt by the sun.

Okay, maybe I am crazy. But I really wanted to walk and read the words on tombstones that craved the names of fallen soldiers from distant lands, UK, Australia.
Their ages, their ranks, their nationalities.
Most of all, the words that summed up their lives
Just a single sentence for each soldier that represented all he lived and died for, etched below his date of existence to his date of slumber.

Among those I found most profound:
"Into the mosaic of victory was laid this precious piece. Thy will O Lord, not mine"
A wife's words "To the world he was just one. To me, all the world"
"Let those who come after see to it. That his name be not forgotten"
Parents from Scotland "Though you lie in a distant land, one day we'll be reunited again"
"Death divides us. But sweet memories cling on"
"To be with Christ, which is far better"
And my favorite "He hath done what he could"

Crazy Sarah. Thinking about death. Visiting graveyards alone.
But truth is, aren't we all dying? As we live each day?

Maybe I was feeling kind of depressed, knowing that I have to leave and go back. Maybe I was a little disillusioned with everything I am doing.
Yet, being there today, reading the marks of men who died fighting in a land foreign to them, for a cause they believed in reminded me about perspective.

One life to live. That's all. My life may not be significant. But I want to live for You the best I can. So that I can meet You one day and say "I've done what I could"

(Btw, I'm okay. I guess my hyper mode is temporarily off, while my serious mode is on. But yea, still scandalously alive and crazy)

Fallibility

Fallibility,
I'm not perfect,
Nor super in any way,
Fully aware of weaknesses,
Yet running this race,
Limp and all,
Just trying to love You.

Fallibility,
Balance?
Don't want to abandon You,
Can't abandon books either,
2 CGs, 2 Committees, 1 CF, 1 church, 1 Community service,
So many Cs,
Will I choke?
Bitting more than I can chew?

Fallibility,
Rest is not optional,
Exhaustion can kill,
The passion.
Tiredness can blind,
The difference between
Obligation and willingness.

Fallibility,
Don't want to put programs
before people.
Don't want to emphasize,
Numbers before substance.
Don't want to equate being busy
with being effective.
Don't want to touch everything,
yet feel nothing.

Fallibility,
I am.
You're not.
Teach me.
Pick me up.
Sustain me.
Surprise me.
Delight me.
I need You.

Fallibility,
Echoes David,
"Though I stumble,
I will not fall,
For You hold my hand."
I plead,
Hold it tight.
I rest assured,
You have and will.
Forever.

Malay

It's special in my home. Only certain families have it. Not common in IMU at all. Somehow it's more prevelant in Labuan. Some of my friends have it too. Especially those who went to St. Anne and not chinese primary schools. What's it?

Speaking Malay at home.

No, of course not pure Malay. I speak a mixture of English and Hokkien to my parents. But with my sisters it's more like English and Malay. I've never realized it until I came back recently. I find that it symbolizes a level of comfort and familiarity with each other that we have our own favourite Malay phrases that we pepper our English with. And salt with Malaysianized jargon like "lah, bah, etc"

Among the funniest and the most grammatically incorrect phrases we use:

"Crazy, ketawa-ketawa saja, " Serene to Sarah. (the most used phrase around)
"Faster, have to go tution already. Lambat nanti"
"Study la. After fail, baru tahu."
"Hold that thing properly. Don't let it bershake shake."
"Gila. Stop it okay, nanti accident."
"Suka...suka, don't lie la."
"Apa kamu buat di sekolah today."
"Makan lagi la, gemuk baru tahu. Then cannot diet."
"Marah-marah, number one."
"Going up already bah, no need to jerit."

It's even more ironic among my friends.
I was in church talking to my friend from primary school (the same primary school that "taught" us about languages), both of us Chinese.
And he went "Jadi, bila kamu balik KL?"
I answered "Soon. Kamu? Macam mana di overseas?"

So, yea, scandalous is not the only English word that I've misused... :)

Oil

The Star: Oil prices have hit $70 per barrel. Najib says, "we can't afford to subsidize the price of oil." Analysts, "prices may rise to $100."

Oil. I don't drive in KL. The rise does not directly hit my purse, though it may erode it when prices of food, transport and the cost of living increases. A lot of us, (me included) will complain about the rise because we would have less to spend. There would be less for entertainment, mamaking or shopping (for identitial clothes, jk Cindy).

Yet, I'm even more worried for those who are barely surviving to eke out a living. For us (who have the time, resources and education to read blogs), it'll be more of tightening our belts. Yet for many others, it would be akin to a noose tightening around their necks.

If petrol really rises to RM 2, and the restriction of taxi fare increase remains, how would the father explain to his son he can't pay his school fees despite driving all day in the hot sun?

And yet if the fares increase, how would the young, single mother go to work when it's cheaper to stay at home than travel?

Parents who can't afford rising school bus fares?
Pensioners whose income is stagnant?
Workers who cannot get a raise to match the rise?
Families burdened by increasing costs?

When will the breaking point be? When will the economy collapses under the weight of inflation?

Of course, I'm no business expert.

Yet, I'm reminded that such circumstances force us to reflect on our system of trust.
Sometimes it's tragically sad that we place more trust in a piece of paper with the name of a bank printed on it than on the Living God.
For what is secure in this world? Money can burn, diamonds can be lost, cars can get hijacked (in KL at least), houses may devalue (sorry, reading too much on American economy right now) and everything we think gurantees our security can be lost in the blink of an eye.

Of course, I'm not naively "spiritual" to think that money does not matter at all. Yes, I do need money and diamonds (hint, hint..haha).

But at the end of the day, what matters more?

"For I consider all things worthless to the incomparable riches of knowing Jesus as my Lord and saviour. " The words of the man who had it all and gave it all to gain more than all.

teach me Lord.