No Choice!

What do I want?
I really, really want to go for the Orang Asli mission trip.
Lord, I want to be part of the team. I want to experience going there, being among those who need You. I want to go before I leave for overseas. This might be my only chance for this season of my life as a student in Malaysia. I want to have my eyes opened, I want to be humbled by Your grace, I want to take on new challenges. I want to go! Lord, I really want to.

But.....
It's 5.46 in the morning and I can't sleep.
Responsibilities stalk my mind. I don't want and cannot be a lame-duck person in CF. I need to be faithful in things that You have so graciously entrusted me, Your unworthy person.
I need to study. I need to smile and be a friend without looking at my watch or fretting over lost time. I sit down and just talk, and more importantly listen to those You have impressed on my heart. I must be more sensitive to You, instead of running around without consulting You. I know I am at my worst because I have lost my basics, You.

I don't like to make this decision. I don't like to be a quitter. Lord, You know my desires.

It's far easier occupying my time with many events and feel like I've accomplished something for You instead of to be there for a friend at all times.
It's far easier to talk a lot about You but not put it into practice.
It's far easier to talk about prayer than to pray.
It's far easier to seek church related activities, than to seek the Lord of all.

Yet, I believe You have spoken. Even as I learn to say no to certain things, things that are very good but not necessarily the best for me, teach me to be obedient.

There will be another chance if it's Your will.
But meanwhile, help me be faithful and make a great impact where I am. Not for my own glory, but for You.

Teach me to seek after You first and foremost.