Thursday, December 29, 2005

Stepping of a clift

I don't know what to do.
Where I am.
What I'm doing.
Who am I.
What this year has meant.
The past, the present and the future.
Where to go from here?

It's just You and me.
Here we go down this clift.
I don't know if everything will be okay.
But here we go.
I trust You'll lift me up.
I trust that even if You don't lift me up, You'll mend my broken pieces.
When I fall down this clift.

It's just You and me.

Tuesday, December 27, 2005

Season without love

The world and all its splendor
Cannot explain it all
No I can't imagine each day without your love
Walking on the streets of memories
Each step without a clue
My heart is hurting now
What's is next? What should I do?

Time it passes, does not sit still
Yet not mine, but it's your will
The decision that is made can't be earsed
That's the reason it's a season without love

I can't believe
That it hurts more than it seems
When I lie down all alone
Sweet memories come to me
Rain or shine, this pain of mine
It subsides by my side
Gives me a reason
For a season without love

I don't know how long it'll take
For healing to take place
Only Jesus knows, how bad my heart aches
The only comfort I find
Is when I sit down and pray
Hoping that she'll find her comfort
As she lives, day by day.

Jonathan Tse: Season without love, from the album Purpose.
(My church member from COHS Labuan, now serving in Faith Christian Centre Sunway. I used to jump on his bed with his brother in his house. He and his brother Oliver where the first "corrupting force" that introduced me to the computer and computer games! And play ping pong on the dinning table with video cassettes as the net. Time flies!)

Home is.....

Looking at our half bald christmas tree with funny ornaments.
Surrounded by all my favourite books and magazines.
Chasing the dog named Panadaol off the couch.
Teasing sisters about boys and "nagging" them to boredom.
Lying in bed with Mum talking about batch "gossip" and teasing her by saying that I'll never get married.
Eating, eating, and eating.
The piano with a rusty player.
My favourite bed sheet with pink flowers. (ha, so girly..haha)
Talking with Dad about his days in UK, travelling to far flung hospitals on his moped.
Listening to how Dad charmed Mum with side walked picked flowers (too poor to buy flowers!)
Plus, how they both worked in the shoe shop together.....
Talking with the youth in church, kids who used to run around are now in their teens!
Remembering how innocent life was, secondary school days with blue pinafores and white shoes and big dreams.
Catching up on friends' news, who's dating who, who's where and who's doing what, amazed at how much all of us have changed and taken different paths of something bittersweet called life.
Reflecting on God, the past, present and future.
Thinking of the what ifs.

Friday, December 23, 2005

Sssshhh...

Sssshhh..can I just disappear?

Everything just seems so trival and insignificant.
Frustration, "frustra" latin for in vain.
In vain. In vain. In vain.
No, it's not repro that's in vain.
It's everything.

No, I can't disappear....
But it's a hauntingly attractive idea.

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

True/not true?

From IMU Campus forum http://www.imucampus.com/forum/viewtopic.php?t=201&postdays=0&postorder=asc&start=45

what's wrong with girls making the first move?

um nothing, except for the fact that i have yet to see a relationship where it was the girl who expressed interest first that has actually lasted. usually it ends with the guy delivering the killer line, "well YOU were the one who liked me first" before storming off.

since this thread is all about making sweeping statements, i shall go ahead and say this: guys would stay in a relationship longer if they were the ones who wanted it and pursued it in the first place.

if it were the girl making the move first...he'd probably be flattered and maybe eventually go out with her. but it wouldn't be what HE wanted FIRST. it would be sort of a..."okla, since you like me and you're a good person who is quite cute also, i'll give it a go" instead of a "i really like you and would work hard to keep the relationship going".

ok, let's say it's the other way round, and a guy takes the initiative to ask a girl out. a typical female response would be "how sweet! omg he likes me? aww. i guess i've always liked him too, just that i never noticed. how sweeeeeeeet!" and she'd be way too flattered to do anything but dwell in the new source of affection that's come her way. and that source wouldn't run out either. cuz HE wanted her FIRST.

i can see a million contradictions in the last two paragraphs, but like i said, who cares? every time there is any argument about men and women and relationships (or a lack of), there are bound to be contradictions.

men say they know she's "the one" if they can see her bearing their children. but when she's carrying the child, they go find someone whom they can see swallowing their seed without bearing anything.

women say they want men who will open doors and pull out chairs for them. but when the men do, they think, "what a sexist! to think i can't open my own door and pull out my own chair!"

i don't blame anyone for being confused, frustrated, or annoyed!

(Not written by me ar! haha..too bored@stressed, reading lots of blogs and forums....oh no, this IS bad)

Monday, December 19, 2005

Exhaustion

It's the kind that lingers even after 12 hours of sleep.
It's the kind that makes you feel irrational and bleak.
It's the kind that clouds your mind and invades your dreams.
It's the kind that makes you want to hide under the covers of your bed and not get up to face the real world.
It's the kind that cannot be remedied with movies or food or books or friends.
It's the kind that makes you off your phones and go online, yet appear offline so that you can see the world yet hide from it? (oh oh..gave up my cover..yea, that's why suddenly I pop online when I see some of you online when I need to msg you..unlike ICQ, MSN does not allow msgs on appear offline/invisble mode)
It's the kind that drives you away from friends, fearing that the irrationality mentioned above would suddenly cause you to snap for no reason.
It's the kind that makes you feel guilty for feeling this way.
It's the kind that you don't dare tell your parents about, not because they will lecture you but because they would worry more.
It's the kind that makes you feel fat..(ahahahaha :) )
It's the kind where you want to tell someone all about when they ask how are you but then decide otherwise because you are even too exhausted to explain or elaborate or tolerate cliches (but I give people cliches too because no matter how terrible I feel, I still still want to believe in God)
It's the kind that gives you the far away look in your eyes. (and eye bags..Haha)
It's the kind that demands solitude from the banter of giggles but craves the assurance of silence from the other half.
It's the kind where you just want to be left alone, but you don't want to be alone.
It's the kind that I dread the most because it signals something called burnout that I have been trying to avoid and deny and fight against.

Lord. I'm human. I burnout too. Despite trying not to. Despite warning myself against it.
And I'm afraid. Afraid that when I burnout, others might not want to serve you or love you or trust You. Afraid to even write this out, afraid of being the discouragement.

But Lord, although some may understand and others may not, remind me I'm not living for the perceptions of others...or rather, my perception of other people's perception of me. (what a mouthful)
Having said that, I still need to pass my reproduction system test and pass it well! :)
And to honour your perception of me as your beloved child by the actions in my life.
So yea..help me Lord!

Sunday, December 18, 2005

The ushers, wedding singer and best man



Philip@photographer runner (thanks so much for the transport+getting lost+making me laugh), Peter@the wedding singer (that did not bring rain to the wedding..so if you are considering a garden wedding, you can ask him to sing for you! Plus he appeared in The Star), Andrea@the buaya (keep your sisters away from him! JK andrea!), Chris@the best man (Please have your wedding before September so that I can attend, or alternatively buy me a ticket from wherever I'll be studying next year)

Cindy@the videographer+super cool girl, Jinny@the head usher+very capable computer programmer expert (have a good holiday in Penang and continue to take care of your health! Always enjoy your company in CG), Audrey@auds+full time pastor to be? (You inspire even in your honesty on your struggles), Sarah@bad eye bags+spoil the picture..haha..

MADZ+Commenwealth


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Presenting Mr and Mrs Victor Yong!!
Our very own canto pop star CG leader@Daniel M'sian Idol lookalike and his beautiful, smart Dr wife..
God bless and have a wonderful marraige plus many kids..

Beauty and the beast.. Haha

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Gracey, our beauty! Our very own Miss Sarimah Ibrahim, you look good! :)
Semoga anda mendapat pengalaman yang manis dan berguna ketika mengikuti Sekolah Jeremiah pada bulan Januari nanti....
Walaupun cerita kedua orang kawan kita belum selesai dan kadang kala sungguh mengelirukan, Tuhan tahu segala-galanya. (PS You should consider curling your hair!)
Dan terima kasih kerana berada dalam gambar ini agar semua perhatian ditumpukan kepada kamu kerana saya memang macam orang yang tidak cukup tidur/baru habis menangis..teruk la mata saya. :)

Thursday, December 15, 2005

A picture speaks a thousand words

If you love the trobbing ache of politics,
If you love discovering beauty in the ashes of ugliness,
If you love the haunting eyes of humanity,
If you love nature; its tenderness and its wrath,
If you love life, warts and all...

Click here http://www.time.com/time/yip/2005/
TIME magazine pictures of year 2005

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

The ministry


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So what did we do there? The King in the picture is Kheng Yew our assistant team leader. He was acting as King Herod. We did a Christmas play for the people there. We had two nights of "evangelistic" meetings. We went around from house to house to talk to people. Some of us taught and played with the children, singing Christian BM songs and teaching them about Jesus. Others of us bonded with the teenagers. The teenage girls are very eager to learn keyboard and guitars. Builidng relationships was the main purpose of our trip.

Of course, our mission trip was not perfect. Our van had major problems. There were times of rubbing against each other, as we had to live, eat, sleep together. A lot of patience and grace was needed among everyone. Learnt to eat anything, bath in cold water in the morning (mandi kampung), chase chickens out of the church, walk in hot sun. Translated in broken malay for Kheng Yew. Being flexible to adapt to situations and just letting go of control, letting God take control.

The people


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I'm with Pastor Mondon, Natasha and her cousin in this picture. Pastor Mondon is actually from Sabah and has moved to Kampung Bukit Serok to serve the orang asli here. He has been there for 8 months. It's not easy for him as he has 5 children, the youngest being 1.5 years old. Both he and his wife, Ps Liyu are pastors. Ps Liyu is an amazing woman. She herself is a pastor and is often very busy looking after the children, cooking, serving and supporting Ps Mondon.

Realized the importance of partnership in ministry. For example, when they go out to do visitation, both of them go together. The reason being that this is still a conservative society, and it's better for both of them to go together so that Ps Liyu can talk to the widows while Ps Mondon can talk to the men. It would be inappropriate there if Ps Mondon is to go out alone and visit people's houses if only the womanfolk are at home. The same applies to Ps Liyu. Both of them also support and encourage each other; being new to the village, they are often disappointed and rejected at times.

The children of Kampung Bukit Serok are plentiful as each family have more than 5 children. There are also a lot of special children there. It's probably due to inter-marriage among kin in the village as the village has a population of 3000-4000. The children are very active, and being the conservative med student, it's at times worrying when I see boys climb up 10 feet trees! Children as young as 10 also zip around the village on motorcycles.

(Yes, I am shades darker now...to add to my already tanned skin. Had a very funny conversation with my Mum this morning. The first thing she asked me when she called me at 9.30 in the morning was not "How's the trip?" etc. But "Did you put on weight?" "Are you darker now?" Haha... but yea, she's really great because she allows me to go everywhere even after numerous accidents. And she just listened to the van woes (our van broke down! Had to push it in the pouring rain) without worrying or banning me from going again...

The typical hut


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No..haha..they are not so poor to live in such huts. This kind of hut is for the Jakun people to sit outside and chat with their friends. Every house has a hut at the side. They prefer to sit at their huts most of the time because it is more cooling than their zinc roof houses. They only sleep and cook in their houses.

Visiting Ibu Rokiah



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The orang asli tribe we went to was the Jakun tribe. They used to live deep in the jungles but now stay in Kampung Bukit Serok Baru, a government planned settlement. Most of them have been allocated plots of land by the government. A majority plant palm oil. Others who do not want to work lease out the land for RM400 a month. There is a single lane tar road (with potholes of course), electricity, and......ASTRO in some of the better houses. The houses are half cemment and half concrete. The people there are friendly but the gospel is still hard to be preached. There is a lot of pressure to convert to Islam. Every year, a big shot minister would come and give each orang asli RM1000!

It's also hard for them to receive the gospel as it is new to them. Or they might accept but not fully understand the meaning. Life there is slow and unambitious. A lot of youths especially the guys drop out of school at age 15-16 and do not work but just hang around riding their motorcycles and chatting away.

Ibu Rokiah is one of the few members of the church we went to. She is a widow. She's very interested in praise and worship

Who's who?


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Okay, Zu Yao's hairy leg is a giveaway while Siew Mei's painted nails are glaringly obvious...Jon's foot is also huge...

Mothers to be..haha


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Grace and I. It's nice to carry babies there, just that one must always be prepared for emergencies as the babies there don't wear diapers...it was a good thing I brought extra pair of pants...haha. Was carrying Mackly (the baby) when suddenly felt something warm...

Yang Di Pertuan Baginda Raja Zu Yao

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Our UM King Zu Yao...
Master mathematician as well as master of lame jokes and even lamer one liner sentences...
Calls himself beta...and we are all his hamba-hamba

Killing time


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What does a bunch of youths do when they are in the van, stuck together for 7 hours? They pose for pictures!!
On our way to Bukit Serok, Rompin, PAHANG we got lost...
Overshot all the way to Jelebu, NEGERI SEMBILAN.
Arrived 4 hours later than normal...
Further more, being the veteran of many car crashes, I don't sleep during car rides and thus was giving the "task" of talking to the driver...I'm sure Kheng Yew must be super sick of hearing my voice by now.. :)

"Bollywood" fling

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Jonathan and Zu Yao. They held hands and jumped around the village while walking to visit people's houses. Can't believe they are both 21!!

Our van broke down!! Had to push, push, push..

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Grace, Jonathan, Jamie and Pastor Mondon pushing our van. Our van's alternator(battery charger) broke down when we were at Kampung Bukit Serok on the 2nd day. Very worried that we won't be able to go back home!! The van couldn't start, and every time we wanted to start the engine, we had to push it for a certain distance to get the battery charged...which made it dangerous when we drove on roads as if the van suddenly stopped, any car could just hit our 'stationary unable to start again' van...
But 3 stops, and 3 pushes later at various places....we managed to arrive in KL safely!! After a grand total of 7 hours on the road...an unforgettable, nerve wrecking but faith testing experience

Sunday, December 04, 2005

Insanity

Malaysian and their policemen are like a comic strip.
When the issue of the Chinese woman being made to do squats in the nude came out in the papers, there were some people who had the nerve to ask the police to investigate the person who took the clip.....instead of investigating how deeply prejudiced and wrong our police force are for allowing such incidents to take place.

There were some other quarters who blasted the media for highlighting the weak points of the police, saying that such spotlight would demoralize the police force/paint a bad picture of Malaysia...So are they saying that we must just keep quiet even if the whole police force disintergrates?

Then now, some wise lawyer says that MP of Seputeh Teressa Kok should be charged for showing pornographic material in the Dewan Rakyat when she showed proof that the video clip was true on her laptop....some wise lawyer indeed...

And another policeman is taking a student to court, because she filed a report with the ACA against him, even before his non-guilty verdict was handed down..(emm..maybe he knew about the verdict already la, if not why so confident?)

All of us know that our police force is not spotless. Most of us don't even hold it to high regard.

But this is just too much. Imagine if you were forced to be stripped search, just because you are of a different nationality. Yes, it's true that some Chinese citizens overstay and come to Malaysia illegally. But since our dear policemen have trouble catching the VCD sellers that operate in the pasar malam every Tuesday and Friday (I even know their operating hours better than the detectives..how come yea?) I suppose they also have a problem reading passport and documents too. Or respecting something called human dignity.

At the end of the day, I know policemen who are just simple, normal people. But it's the whole organization that's corrupts people.

Maybe it's just Malaysia. Or maybe it's just me, too idealistic, not expecting much but just hoping that basic principles of living; justice, intergrity, safety, trust...would still be a reality.

Hope...

Which is worst?
To have no hope, or to have false hopes......

I'm am sooo going to burn badly!
Lord, You must help me!

Anyway, Friday Nite in IMU is coming up! Come watch the CF musical...
Plus, my CG leader Victor is getting married...again, being a person who never thinks of clothes in advance, I don't have anything to wear. Maybe would just borrow or make do with something decent. Haha.

Saturday, December 03, 2005

God, haha, You are God indeed!

Oh yea...my last post was on how dismissal I was about life...
And guess what...I was involved in ANOTHER accident last Thursday..
Again, it's a "miracle" I walked out, unhurt considering the damage of the car.

God does have a sense of humour and indeed when one prays that one would snap out of depression, it literally happens.

So what can I say, but just to stand in awe of Him.
Of course, anyone reading this, please pray for my upcoming mission trip to Rompin, Pahang (9-12 Dec). Especially since the accident happen just after I attended a mission trip prep meeting.

Somehow, in all the uncertainty of my life, I know God must be watching over me, sometimes with a chuckle, because He knows the end result. Of course, I do still have my moments of doubt and emmhmm...loneliness. Or even moments where I just don't know what to do or how to go on to try to honour him.

But God is good, even when I don't feel it.
I just pray I'll learn to trust more in Him!