Buzz Buzz Buzz

When I saw him walk through the door, my heart beat faster.
I haven't seen him for some time.
There was no mistaking the tall stature, slim build and spectacles. His droopy shoulders and gait.
He reminded me so much of my father....
I didn't say much to him, but just acknowledged his presence with a nod.

Buzz....
The once every 5 minutes buzzer that gave a shrill sound sounded. My heart jumped a bit. This was my mock osce and I haven't really studied for it. I knew I was going to falter at the physical examination station..where the watchful eyes of the examiner would accesses your many mistakes, one on one.
I finished my self standing station and waited outside the PE (physical examination) station. There was a rest station so I sat and waited. My other friends waiting at their respective rest stations who already completed this station drew a line to their necks......

THE STATION WAS GOING TO BE A TOUGH STATION....

Buzz....
I went in....the question seemed foreign to me...
No wonder my friends gestured that this was the killer station...I didn't really know what to do.
Needless to say I fumbled, I needed a lot of prompting and I couldn't answer some questions from the examiner, Dr Oon..

WHO WAS MY UNCLE (father's brother)!!!!!!!!!!

There's nothing as traumatic as failing mock osce...except that the examiner who failed me is my uncle and plus the fact that I am now embarrasing my family name/dad.

I always don't really like to get my uncle as my facilitator for CSU sessions cuz I don't want to be caught red handed not knowing my stuff..hehe..plus I don't want to be an embarrasment to my dad and simply because it feels weird...haha...

And I'd probably be the only one whom he knows by name and thus...get called on to do the physical examination...

My batchmates would "comment" if he drags the session long (which he *cough* freq does)....but I have to stay neutral. And when I don't know how to answer a question, I'm not sure if I'm supposed to smile sheepishly or look repentful...haha. (What if he calls up my dad? and complain..ur daughter ar, aiyo...terrible)

And worst...some of my batchmates know that he is my uncle...and then they think that I must know a lot too and ace the PE...but I am the black sheep of the family la...*paiseh*

Anyway....I know I have a LOT to brush up on OSCE before the finals....
STUDY STUDY STUDY ;)
STUDYING IS FUN!

Here's to you crazy people!

"Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for He who promised is faithful" Hebrews 10:23

CRAZY
Why I would I spend my life longing for the day that it would end..
Why would I spend my time pointing to another man..
Isn't that crazy

How can I find hope in dying, with promises unseen..
How can I learn your way is better
In everything I'm taught to be..
Isn't that crazy

I have not been called to the wisdom of this world..
But to a God who's calling out to me..
And even though the world may think I'm losing touch with reality
It would be crazy
To choose this world over eternity

And if I boast let me boast of filthy rags made clean
And if I glory let me glory in my Savior's suffering
Isn't that crazy

And as I live this daily life I trust you for everything
And I will only take a step when I feel You leading me
Isn't that crazy

I have not been called to the wisdom of this world..
But to a God who is calling out to me..
And even though the world my think I'm losing touch with reality
It would be crazy
To choose this world over eternity
Call me crazy

Isn't That crazy..
Call me crazy
You can call me crazy
Call me crazy
Mercy Me: Crazy

Here's to you people that I respect. People who are crazy for God.

People who dare to share their hearts and learn to life for God. People who wear their pants high and not be dictated by convention. People who choose to remain pure and pay the sacrifice. People who defy the popular culture. People who spend their precious holidays for a higher purpose. People who are brave enough to admit their weakness. People who dare to say they do cry. People who try and try and try. People who humbly admit "I don't know." People who can say "I'm wrong." People who please God and not men. People who defy what they want for what God wants to give. People who patiently wait. People who recognize how small they are, and how big God is. Crazy people of God.

I hope and pray one day, someone will go up to me and say, "Sarah, you ARE crazy." For God la of course..haha..not psychological disease.

Today

Today.......

The buzz of people milling around; congregating under the red canopy. The aroma of freshly cooked curry mingled with sweat, fumes, the decay of wet unidentifiables and choking tobbacco smoke. The hot sun blazing in all its 2 in the afternoon glory. Tired faces, gaunt faces, hollow cheeks, beer bellies, yellow discoloured eyes, chapped skin. Aged males, old women, a few innocent babies obvilious to the surroundings, ex convicts, former businessmen. Fathers, mothers, sons.

Volunteers busy dishing out the food. The heap of plates growing higher. The nurse registering the patients in the makeshift clinic of 1 table, 4 chairs and 2 square plastic boxes of medication.
Song sheets put up. Singing starts. The sound of voices fighting to competing with the honks and engine roars from the road, the drilling sound of a nearby construction work, some people still talking.

There's no band, no orchestera. Yet beauty is most prominent in ugliness. Where else would the sound of God's love be proclaimed in the darkest, dirties corners of KL?

It's been a long time since I last came. Since MSK and CNS..the twin horrors of semester 5.
Yet yes, they call me by name. They know I haven't been there lately. They remember. Oh yes, they remember.

The work sometimes appear to be futile. Can a conversation and a hot meal transform a 10 year hard core addict? A glass of water touch a prisoner to change?
We see the same people filter in and out. Some go in and out of rehab. I have never "changed" a person, let alone bring a person to Jesus there. I am no doctor who can save a life. I am only a maid that arranges plates, give food, talk a bit, dispense some medication (aka count some tablets and pack into small plastic). Anything anyone can do.

Sometimes I don't know why do I even go. There's no handsome guys..(HAHAHAHA). No handsome doctors...(HAHAHAHAHA). Okay, even if there were handsome doctors they would be married or too old. There's no air con. There's no monetary benefit. It is harzadous to breath the smoke of tobacco from hand rolled cigarrettes. It is hot.


But....
I know this is where my Jesus would be.

And I realize I go because I don't know a lot of things in life.

Like, I don't know where I'd go after IMU. I don't know who I'd marry or even if I'd marry at all. I don't know if I'd marry a doctor or a non-doctor and have 2 kids? Or 5? or 10?(HAHAHAHA..sorry I need to put in some humour if not EP will say my blog is too depressing)

But seriously, I don't know what kind of doctor I'd be. Will I kill a patient? 10 patients? 100? 1000? I don't know if I'm making the right choices or not. I don't know how should I "lead." I feel helpless at times, useless at others. I don't know if I'm being fussy or if I'm "following the will of God." What is the will of God anyway? Missions? Motherhood? (HAHAHAHHA) Specialization? Can pass sem5 or not first?

I think I'm killing my CF and my CG. I don't know even at times how should I pray. I don't know how to balance studies and "ministry" well. I don't know if that dream is realistic? I don't think I'm good enough. Anyway I don't even know which "theory" is true, that there's a couple of possible people or just one person? I don't know how to make lasting friendships. I realize I'm selfish, proud and timid. I don't know if the dreams I have is of God or of my own. I really don't know if I'm honouring Him or not.

And precisely because I don't know so much things about life, even about God...
.....I feel a strange sense of peace in this funny place.
Because of all the things I don't know...I know for 100% this IS where He would be.
Plus I get to know this compassionate Jesus of mine here.

Cuz you'll only fall in love with someone deeply deeply when you see his character being displayed.
You'd never realize the sacrifice of God becoming man, until you realize it's not an aircon, sterile, midvalley, cinema galore world He inhabited. No, He came to this germ infested, broken-hearted, sinful, dirty, rotten, hot world.

And He didn't hesistate to squat by the longkang with the stagnant, smelly water and talk to the broken man.

Holding the hand of the transvestite.
Smiling into the eyes of the ex-convict from Kajang prison.
Touching the HIV sufferer.
Scolding in love the alcholic man.
Chatting about family with the gambler.
Offering a glass of cold chinese tea to the heavily chained gangster.

This is where He would have walked. Where He would have talked. Where He would have lived, breathed and died.

He would have looked into the eyes of the hopeless person and gently heal...
.....and those eyes would have belonged to me.....


Lord of all the things I don't know...teach me to know You and make You known.

*Su chuen and linda were great company! :). AND thanks Mr Anonymous Photographer whom I will not mention here cuz he don't need any more praise cuz he might overcome the effect of gravity...thanks yea...*

I wish I was a boy

What a title! hahahaha

Actually, I quite like being a girl thank you very much.....
As you all know (I hope!), I'm quite a girl's girl.

I love dangly earrings, long hair (but neglect it most of the time), HIGH heels (can give instant 3 inches height for vertical illusion=optical illusion for hiding fats!), nuturing instincts (hahaha), bonding time with the girls, pink (not too pink though.. ;) ), dresses (without frills thank you cuz they make me look *cough* fat), chocolates and cute guys (though who I think is *cough again* handsome always gets laugh at so yea, maybe I do need glasses after all).... the joys of womanhood/girlhood.

But sometimes, like today, I wish I was a boy....




Not that I hate being a girl, just that if I was a guy, I wouldn't have to worry about safety so much AND thus can travel more, go to more hard hit places, go to more "dangerous" land for missions, go to the interior, go to different countries....

Thank goodness my parents said I could go to Cambodia this August.

Initially they had some doubts, but they said ok. I won't want to go without their permission, or get an unwilling yes from them after begging them.

But yea, if I were a boy, it wouldn't be such a big deal. I'd go to Nepal with Interserve for 2 months if I'm of XY chromosome but since I'm a girl, I don't think it's such a great idea given the political situation there right now.
Plus I can think of a few medial mission attachments I would LOVE to go (*if it's God's will for me to be matched to Aus*) during the 6 months break but have to find willing souls to go with me, because it is tad dangerous and reckless to go alone as a girl.


There are a lot of limitiations to being a girl in mission work:
You'd have to be careful when talking to drug addicts because you need to take care of your own safety, keep a good personal distance, protect yourself.
You must be cautious when going to a seedy place.
You must not put yourself in a risky position and must NEVER give real information on where you stay etc.
It's best to go with another person to less secure places. (Unfortunately not a lot of ppl are rarring to go so...this can be a bit hard)



God! Please answer my prayers and turn me into a boy!!!!!! Haha..Nah. J/K (sorry I do realize that I'm going a bit crazy so near to exam ;) But yea a little humour has never killed a reader rite?)

But God, if You want me to do this more often in the future, You know what my prayer is. Sometimes I lose focus and think this is not so important or a piority.
Or lose hope because this IS quite impossible criteria.

Yet I realize that it IS important because this is what I hope to do more often in the future. (at least from what my limited sight can see right now.....I might be wrong)

Anyway that aside, God please open doors if You want me on Doulos for 2 months! ;)
AND HELP ME STUDY TO PASS CNS!

DAP fever

I don't know why when it's so close to my exams, I blog A LOT. When it's not during exams I hardly have the urge to write.

But anyway.....

DAP DEFEATS BN! OPPOSITION WINS 9 SEATS IN SARAWAK.

haha...at first when I read the papers I was like okay la...good, not bad for DAP.
I think my family is a closet opposition supporter (thinks of the Aliran magazine my dad used to subcribe)...ahemmm...ok, let me rephrase that:
I think my family is an opposition supporter.

Then my mum calls (yea, the daily phone call thing) and tells me how my grandmother rushed down from Sibu to Bintangor (my maternal hometown) just to watch the electorial count, how my granduncles in Kuching were so happy! And how they lament with a smirk in their faces that DAP could have won another 2 seats (which DAP narrowly lost by 100-200 votes).

Oh yea, by the way, I'm a SARAWAKIAN..haha..born in Sibu (land of kampua) who lives in Labuan whose father comes from KL. (so yea where's my hometown?..I really don't know because my KL grandparents are in Australia now)
Nonetherless, I am proud that the people of Sarawak has made a stand.

DAP really didn't expect to win that big in Sarawak. All this while, the opposition party in Sarawak has never won more than 2-3 seats...Sarawak delivered the best record for BN in the last general elections.

Yet I also realize that this huge win by DAP acutely exposes the polarity of racism in Malaysian politics. Like it or not, DAP won because of Chinese votes. Like it or not, BN won big in rural areas because of indigenous support. The rural vs the urban. Different expectations of their elected representitives. A growing split in what Malaysians' think/vote...
As united as we think we are, (or as united as Barisan looks) when it comes to voting, we still vote according to race. No party would field a Chinese candidate in a predominantly Malay community. Even BN with all its national might would hesistate to field a Chinese candidate in a sure win stronghold if the majority of the population is Malay. Vice versa. Different parties of the coalition would get allocated seats to contest...predominantly Chinese consituent areas would be assigned to Chinese parties..etc..

I look to the day when we as Malaysians would vote for the capabilities of an individual and not the colour of the skin, nor even the party backing the candidate.

I look forward to the day where...members of the rulling party can choose to vote in the parliment based on what they think, and not what the party line says...(can you imagine, that no matter how "dumb" the act that is being passed is, if you are a member of the rulling coalition, you MUST vote yes? You cannot use your head to think if the act is logical or beneficial, but just must tick yes because you are the member of that fraction...! So technically lets just say there's a law to be passed that says Malaysians cannot marry foreigners, no matter how illogical the law is, you have to vote YES... No wonder some MPs sleep in Parliment, no need to listen or debate, just tick yes)

Anyway...don't sue me for this or post angry comments...
I'm just a ill-informed medical student who hasn't studied her CNS notes...
what do I know about politics rite?
And no, I don't mean to be racist. I do apologize in advance if I sound racist.

And yes, medical students do read other things apart from their notes and Mama Patho! ;)

1 to 23

Auckland
Otago
Adelaide
Melbourne
Newcastle
Tasmania
Western Australia
Calgary
Dalhousie
Aberdeen
Dundee
Edinburgh
Glasgow
Liverpool
Manchester
Queen’s
Southampton
Galway
Leeds
St Georges
Memorial
Leicester
New South Wales
(In no specific personal order)


Yea, it's time to rank universities...deadline's 22nd May 4 p.m.
Although I haven't really finalized my list, I know my top 5 choices.
(though I haven't decided if I should rank UK above NZ or UK above Canada etc)

I'm not sure if I'd get my 1st choice, I desperately want to want to go my 1st choice uni for personal reasons. I don't know how to play strategy (like put the uni u want to go as 1st, put a buffer uni that u won't get as 2nd so that ur real 2nd choice will be 3rd and u don't have a risk of getting ur real 2nd choice uni as ur first etc......yea *confusing*)

I can think of all the ways to bargain with God on why He should send me there. I can think of all the reasons why I would not get my 1st choice. I can picture my reaction when I open the envelope and find that I don't get my 1st choice.

I wish I can be sure that what I want is what I'd get.



Yet...God reminds me, no matter how much I worry it wouldn't tilt the computer to give me my choice. (like duh? haha)

And the very fact that that uni is even in the list is a miracle.

Plus, no matter how cliche this sounds, God indeed knows best and has a good reason for sending me wherever I'd be match to. (yea, even if it's No.23 St Georges)

yes I must confess that really do not know for sure what God's will is in this whole thing. (God hasn't written on my wall last I checked, nor did He boom from the sky)
4 months ago, I was pretty sure it'd be UK. I never thought I might consider NZ, yet now it's a possibility. All I know is that God is a creative God who's not limited to human understanding. And it doesn't hurt to trust Him. Cuz He will never short change me; in fact He always gives generously!

So one step at a time....

(who knows..I might get to meet Prince Charming in Uni No23 if God decides to send me there?!wah...London men.. ;) haha JUST KIDDING..sorry just needed to write something scandalous so that you readers don't fall asleep..BUT SERIOUSLY, what's what my dear mum said...for the record, that's where Mr Ong met Miss Chua)


Thank You in advance for everything this will bring :)

AND yes, bless all my batchmates that are will be matched as well...

This is early but anyway...

It's 2:45am and since I cannot sleep right now and plus I know I'd be swamped this weekend...

here's an early post to Miss Cindy Soon Aun Woon's 20th birthday.. :)

Cindy has been through the ups and downs of IMU life with me..

from the 360 degree flip accident in KKB, to late nite scandalous phone calls...
committee meetings that we/she looked forward too (ah ha, cough cough...)
sleep overs in her ever changing houses (Miss Soon has moved house around Kota Kemuning 3 times in 2 years!)

stressful exam seasons, "bleh yuck IMU is terrible I don't want to wake up" days, bgr issues & talks, uni applications, PMS (Partner Medical School, haha, not premenstrual syndrome) discussions
CGs, CFs...movie sessions, EATING outings...

1 tooth extraction (mine), 1 braces wearing period (hers)
oh yea, buying the almost similar watch...
2 Proms (where we were always late!) wearing the same colour to the last prom!, 2 camps, 3 committee retreats, mutliple 1cent SMSes....
and haha, how we would call from Labuan to Australia and Australia to Labuan over some *minor* issue...

yea, 2 years in IMU with you Miss Soon has been colourful, interesting and never dull!

I wonder where is Tweety right now??? *cough cough* I think Tweety went on a long flight, even went to Naruito Airport ;)
But more so, this is the girlfriend who has the authority and my permission to slap me if I ever make an irrational decision. She's always patient to hear me go on and on and on and on over a particular *thorny* issue, she always buys me ice-cream (strawberry cornetto) and delivers it to B-4-* when I hit the depressed mode.

I truly appreciate her labour with me in CF; truly it helps to be able to share honestly with another person on ministry struggles, on disappointments and faith-challenging periods.
Somehow we always end up on the same CSU, the same KKB posting... ;)

I can see the fingerprints of God in your life...and I am blessed to be your friend...

Miss Soon, I know the PMS thing is really crazy for you right now...
But I pray that God will bless you even as you choose to honor him...I am looking forward *wee* to the day where you'd be in a white veil (I WANT to be the bride's maid ;) *and you better not make me wear an ugly dress..haha)

that will be the day yea?

Blessed birthday! I know both of us will look back at this confusing time in IMU and say, "God did know what He was doing all along."

"No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind can conceive what God has prepared for those who love Him." 1 Corinthians 2:9

My brain is mush

...and I am making bad decisions
...and I can't understand CNS & forget everything I read 5 minutes later (abnormalities in cholinergic pathways)
...and I'm becoming irrational, very irrational (depeletion of NAdr)
...and I just want to get away
...and I want to sleep and sleep and sleep (low 5-HT & 5-HIAA)

...but I must finish the last 60+days well
...pass CNS
...be sane
...believe in God because right now skeptisim seems to rule

...and I know I really don't deserve it
...but please, please God pull me out of this!

Mum

Yes, ladies and gentlemen... *drum roll....*



I still talk to my mum everyday; every single day even after 2+ years after leaving home :)
(no wonder i don't need a bf..haha!)

in many ways, my mum is just like a best friend, who offers her opinion on everything including *cough* boys, studies, God...and gives updates on what's going on in the clinic, which nurse is resigned, which company records are not in order etc...plus what my 2 sisters are doing, how's my sister's driving lessons, how's my other sister is busy with SMSes...and which of her sister in Aus is having such and such...or her other sister in US called her up...and on and on...

it helps me to keep in touch with the family back home and truly establishes our relationship.

i like the fact that i can discuss anything; and I mean anything...with my parents...mum especially. i truly appreciate how much they trust me....

of course, i'm not the easiest person to live with...haha...
after my grade 5, my mum the piano teacher sent me to another teacher for lessons cuz Miss Sarah Ong is too stubborn to practise her scales and correct her pieces.

i do realize how i take my mum forgranted. even her phone calls. her voice of concern. her prayers.

i forget too at times that she cares for me, even more than i do for myself...
i know and am comforted that she accepts me as i am.

she knows how this daughter of hers can be silently puffed up with pride while appearing innocent on the outside. she knows how i used to cry when i was in kindergarden because i couldn't stand to lose a game. she knows the little things that make me impatient. she knows how bad i am at sports.

yet she knows how *ahem* responsible i am. she trusts me to spend as i like (seriously..haha. i call it reverse psychology cuz i end up not spending even more). she allows me the space to grow. she thinks i'm quite pretty and smart..hahahahahahahaha! (all mums think that their children are the best in the world)

we can laugh together, cry together (ok, correction, most of the time I'm the one shedding tears..hehe), disagree and know that it's ok to disagree. most of the time, we both give each other the benefit of the doubt in disagreements because we know she wants the best for me, and i want the best for her.

so..."happy mothers day"

i don't deserve you. but God has been so gracious to me. you have modelled what love means.

and if my mum can love me this much,
care for what i eat, what i wear, where i go,
for my security, emotions, needs and enjoyment,
accept me as i am, be there 24/7, tolerate my outbursts,
and think i'm the greatest....

what more, what more, my heavenly Father above who's love is perfect.

X-cavate IMU CF Camp 2006

Location: MBS RAWANG, 5-7th May 2006, IMU CHRISTIAN FELLOWSHIP
Nice place rite??? :) Got swimming pool, badminton courts, tennis courts, squash courts, golf range...not bad yea? ;)

I must say....this camp was FUN, FAITH-CHALLENGING and FRIENSHIP-DEEPENING!
I really didn't X-pect camp to be this fun...thought it was just going to be another camp to go to, wasn't that X-cited to go initally but wah, wah, wah...glad I went...hehehe (peace sign..)
I think only those who went to camp know the actions of wah, wah, wah...and hehehe...



X-cavate ROCKS!!!! 3 cheers for God :)

Of course there were games, food, friends...but I think one of the highlights of the camp was the Camp Song...IVY, thanks for composing the song, for allowing God to speak through you!

The worship team also did a good job, along with the games team, the registration, publicity, accomodation, and on and on....I think the Camp Committee truly did a GREAT job...I know there were countless problems that crep up...and I truly thank you guys for perservering on. I know some were sick but still came, some were super busy but still made it.

Thank you for giving up your time, your phone credits, your voices, your heart for us, for God...

the camp commitee...without them all wouldn't have been possible

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I think we were all challenged to

1) Discover our identity in God

2) Surrender and be willing for God to reveal His plans

3) Make decisions to take up the "cross" and follow Him.

Personally, I came to the camp quite "exposed" because the past week, I realized the sins of my heart that I never even knew existed; all this while too immune to sin to even notice its presense in the dark corners of my life. I realized how sometimes we may think we are doing ok when we are "leading" or "serving." Or even think we are "worthy" and that our ways are the best.

I am humbled that I truly do not know a lot and that I have lots more to discover. As much as I prayed for the camp to touch the CF members, I myself was blessed enormously all because of God's grace.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I am working on surrendering my preferences to God...to learn to embrace the plans He has for me.

I learnt that God knows me better than I know myself...and thus He can be entrusted when I surrender my hopes, dreams and plans to Him.

I love the illustration that our lives are akin to a ship. A ship's direction is determined by the direction of the rudder of the ship...and the rudder represents our will...we can determine where we want to go or who we want to follow. At the same time, it is the winds of the Holy Spirit that will blow on the sails of our ship...to help us reach the destination we want to follow.

The rudder will be useless without the wind that blows on the sail...we can't move without the Holy Spirit...we as humans will fail to live a Godly life without the winds of the Holy Spirit...

Yet the winds cannot force the ship to change course if the rudder is not set to the right derection...we must make decisions to follow God, we must set our direction right and seek after Him.

So...where am I going after IMU? What am I going to do? Who am I going to ...ahem..marry? haha...or What's my purpose? What's God's will?

I think the more important question would be...am I on the right direction to seek after God and God alone?

Because as long as I am on the right direction, I don't have to worry about the details of the journey....because everything will fall into place when we follow the ultimate direction.

From top left: M104 rocks...LAST CAMP! Aiyo~, Yours truly+Joanne+Cindy, the stressed sem3s, "tall" timothy+ivy+fabian+eeling
I promise!! I didn't influence the sem1s to pose spastically...
From top left: THREE Sarahs...(what to do, the name SARAH is so beautiful, haha, cough!), the worship team=well done!!, the drug ppl=Pharmacy gang, ECF churchies...
CF committee 2006...this is my LAST camp...I am blessed to be a part of this commitee...truly, really.

1 Peter 2:9 But YOU are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people belonging to God, that you may declare the praises of Him who called YOU out of darkness into His wonderful light.

X-cavate 2006

Dreath of inspiration

Now I realize why designers, writers, painters, poets need muses....

I have "lost" my muse and thus, although I have lots in my mind.....I can't find the energy or rather the enthusiasm to write them down. I no longer have a burning desire to share a delightful article, record down and capture the moments.

I realize too that I am a selfish person.

I am a status quo maintainer. I go for the safe.

But anyway, there's a glimmer of good news today. Unexpected. But not resting any hopes though...I've learnt the hard way that only hope in God won't disappoint.

At the end of the day...God is God and we are not...

26 hours in Melaka

and one word....

..............................BLURP! :)