Enslaved?

Yea, I suppose to be studying for endo now, but I just must put this down in words before everything corrodes my soul.

In this past month or so, I've seen two very passionate and strong Christians totally and I mean totally say "I'm not a Christian anymore. I'm not with church anymore." They are resolute and firm in turning 180 degrees. It's not like the "normal" cases where people slowly diminish in coming to church or burn out slowly. Both cases have come like an explosion to me, at least.

They were both leaders and really active in their own ministries. Both from different churches, but from churches that are solid and firm. Before I went off, the girl was just telling me how she wants to serve as a nurse in Saudi Arabia to reach people for Jesus. Now, she tells me that every God is the same and that she doesn't believe in Jesus anymore. Huh? In one month, such drastic changes can happen? It's like getting cold water splashed on my face!

I'm lost for words. No, I'm not judging. Rather, these things made me think deeper. They are people who were so sold out for God. What happened? When I was struggling, they were encouragements to be passionate for Him. And now? Who do look too? If such strength fails, and passion dies, what more a struggling, weak person like me?

Truth be told, sometimes I really feel so burdened by "ministry." So tired of caring. (not that I'm great in caring though). So tired of praying for people who turn around and say, I'm sorry I don't want to go to church anymore. So weary of messaging people who by now must be dreading to see my sms on their handphones. So sick of worrying for transport. So tired of talking to people who are not even responsive. So sick of wondering, hey why is she/he not here today? is anything wrong? So exhausted of making sure everyone is doing okay, when I myself am half dead. So so weary of being disappointed in things. Am I disappointed in God? No. Thankfully. But yea, honestly disappointed in certain circumstances though.

Yet I am so thankful to Him for reminding me, loving God is not a burden. Serving Him is not a sacrifice. It's a privillage! Saturday's sermon hit the nail in the head. Am I really enjoying God? Can I honestly say, like Charles Swindoll, "I will do full time ministry even if they don't pay me anything at all, because I enjoy it." From a man who has seen the ups and downs, trials and tribulations of pastoring congregations, it's not spoken lightly.

I don't want to be in "ministry" out of obligation, out of guilt, out of striving to please God. I want to serve because He first served me, and still serves me every day. I want to enjoy every single moment, be it in disappointments, people problems and of course, the miracles and joys too. I want to live in grace and not in law. And then to obey law because of grace.

I'm not super spiritual or whatever. But I know one thing that can kill me, service out of obligation. Lord, teach me to serve with joy even when people do not turn up for CG. Or when people don't come to CF. Or when "Christianity" is such a messy religion. I don't want to be enslaved in being a "Christian." I want to be enslaved by Your love.

I don't want to be serving God merely to enjoy His blessings. Instead, I want to enjoy serving God and say, I am blessed because I can serve You. So that when tears come, and doors slam, I can still enjoy You. Please, teach me! I never want to depart from You.
(P.s. "Christianity" as in the legalistic "Christianity", not the original meaning of Christianity that was coined during the presecution of Christians in the Roman Empire)