Exhaustion

It's the kind that lingers even after 12 hours of sleep.
It's the kind that makes you feel irrational and bleak.
It's the kind that clouds your mind and invades your dreams.
It's the kind that makes you want to hide under the covers of your bed and not get up to face the real world.
It's the kind that cannot be remedied with movies or food or books or friends.
It's the kind that makes you off your phones and go online, yet appear offline so that you can see the world yet hide from it? (oh oh..gave up my cover..yea, that's why suddenly I pop online when I see some of you online when I need to msg you..unlike ICQ, MSN does not allow msgs on appear offline/invisble mode)
It's the kind that drives you away from friends, fearing that the irrationality mentioned above would suddenly cause you to snap for no reason.
It's the kind that makes you feel guilty for feeling this way.
It's the kind that you don't dare tell your parents about, not because they will lecture you but because they would worry more.
It's the kind that makes you feel fat..(ahahahaha :) )
It's the kind where you want to tell someone all about when they ask how are you but then decide otherwise because you are even too exhausted to explain or elaborate or tolerate cliches (but I give people cliches too because no matter how terrible I feel, I still still want to believe in God)
It's the kind that gives you the far away look in your eyes. (and eye bags..Haha)
It's the kind that demands solitude from the banter of giggles but craves the assurance of silence from the other half.
It's the kind where you just want to be left alone, but you don't want to be alone.
It's the kind that I dread the most because it signals something called burnout that I have been trying to avoid and deny and fight against.

Lord. I'm human. I burnout too. Despite trying not to. Despite warning myself against it.
And I'm afraid. Afraid that when I burnout, others might not want to serve you or love you or trust You. Afraid to even write this out, afraid of being the discouragement.

But Lord, although some may understand and others may not, remind me I'm not living for the perceptions of others...or rather, my perception of other people's perception of me. (what a mouthful)
Having said that, I still need to pass my reproduction system test and pass it well! :)
And to honour your perception of me as your beloved child by the actions in my life.
So yea..help me Lord!