I did not get everything I wanted...
....But God provided everything I needed
:)
Friday, December 31, 2010
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Two tests
I have been forever trying to get my groove back with God...
To really be solely lost in his presence and not living a lukewarm Christian life.
There were 2 tests this week.
One on honesty
The other on surrender.
It's not without my own internal dramas but in the midst of the "oh things didn't go my way" I do feel in part joyful (note: joyful-not happy..haha)
Because I can now say (however insignificant the progress was), God is beginning to be Lord again...
To really be solely lost in his presence and not living a lukewarm Christian life.
There were 2 tests this week.
One on honesty
The other on surrender.
It's not without my own internal dramas but in the midst of the "oh things didn't go my way" I do feel in part joyful (note: joyful-not happy..haha)
Because I can now say (however insignificant the progress was), God is beginning to be Lord again...
Friday, December 03, 2010
Regrets
I always regret cutting my hair because it always looks worst than before
...but never regret forcing myself to work out because I always feel more energized after
...but never regret forcing myself to work out because I always feel more energized after
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Neither here nor there
Going back to Malaysia is always a time of reassessment; where am I in life and what am I doing.
With every trip it gets harder and harder to meet up with people; a lot of friends are no longer in the same place, but also because the bonds are looser.
From everyone being students and having the same common topics, the dynamics are also changing-some are getting married, some are having children, some are going up in careers...
...it's sobering to myself as I still do not know what I want to do with medicine, where will I be, if I will be single or married, if I will come back to Malaysia or not...
Yet I am thankful for this uncertainty and areas of brokenness because it reminds me of my dependence on God. :)
With every trip it gets harder and harder to meet up with people; a lot of friends are no longer in the same place, but also because the bonds are looser.
From everyone being students and having the same common topics, the dynamics are also changing-some are getting married, some are having children, some are going up in careers...
...it's sobering to myself as I still do not know what I want to do with medicine, where will I be, if I will be single or married, if I will come back to Malaysia or not...
Yet I am thankful for this uncertainty and areas of brokenness because it reminds me of my dependence on God. :)
Sunday, November 21, 2010
Traffic hazzard
If I haven't been paying attention to the road, it's because I am amoured by purple flowers on the trees...
The power of the mind
There's a nursing home elderly resident who has been admitted for scabies.
And he always pulls out his cannulas-which means I cannulate him almost every morning...
...and I often have an imaginary itch on my hands after that...
And he always pulls out his cannulas-which means I cannulate him almost every morning...
...and I often have an imaginary itch on my hands after that...
Monday, November 01, 2010
Monday, October 25, 2010
Snaps
Bankstown is so Asian-look at the durians...
Why I do not like parking in the city!
I made onde-onde....very ironic-I never cook Malay food in Malaysia but only in Australia
Sunday, October 24, 2010
A confession
I still fondly recall my IMU days; mainly because it was time where I caught a glimpse of God and His heart. Where I was truly passionate for people; for both my student community and the marginalized of the society.
I remember talking with tears of conviction when sharing to fellow friends; hoping to share something that gripped me so much.
Then a different season entired my life. Of pain, till I could feel no more and became numb. Of tears, where I could cry no more.
I still went to church, but I heard words, not truth. Sang but not praise. Gained knowleged but not conviction.
And thus, for 3 years I never could bring myself to go back to Petaling Street Ministry-even though by then my sister was involved.
I could not go to serve the homeless, because I did not know myself what goes God's love meant. How to make sense of God in this broken world. I did not want to say words I did not mean and talk of a God I did not know......
....But....somehow there is a new stirring in my heart. Little reminders in
A church that God has brought me to that is passionate for the lost.
A new young adults cg of ppl who are concerned about social justice
A fellow intern who despite his busy-ness has gone out of his way to befriend the homeless in the city (where as I cannot even be nice to nurses I work with everyday)
A random facebook message about the street ministry
And wonder of wonders, I now have that little teary voice (HAHA) when I talk about what I truly hope for......(although it is quite impossible to happen)
and so even though I do not like to turn my blog into youtube, this song does hold some meaning...especially the words...Stepping forward keep us from just singing
I remember talking with tears of conviction when sharing to fellow friends; hoping to share something that gripped me so much.
Then a different season entired my life. Of pain, till I could feel no more and became numb. Of tears, where I could cry no more.
I still went to church, but I heard words, not truth. Sang but not praise. Gained knowleged but not conviction.
And thus, for 3 years I never could bring myself to go back to Petaling Street Ministry-even though by then my sister was involved.
I could not go to serve the homeless, because I did not know myself what goes God's love meant. How to make sense of God in this broken world. I did not want to say words I did not mean and talk of a God I did not know......
....But....somehow there is a new stirring in my heart. Little reminders in
A church that God has brought me to that is passionate for the lost.
A new young adults cg of ppl who are concerned about social justice
A fellow intern who despite his busy-ness has gone out of his way to befriend the homeless in the city (where as I cannot even be nice to nurses I work with everyday)
A random facebook message about the street ministry
And wonder of wonders, I now have that little teary voice (HAHA) when I talk about what I truly hope for......(although it is quite impossible to happen)
and so even though I do not like to turn my blog into youtube, this song does hold some meaning...especially the words...Stepping forward keep us from just singing
Thursday, October 07, 2010
Gratitude
I stumbled on this song a few months ago, sent it to Cindy, remembering our IMU days.
She replied today...and I don't even remember sending the song..
But hearing it...
Yes, may I be grateful for this season of life
Work like you don't need money,
Love like you've never been hurt,
And dance like no one's watching.
She replied today...and I don't even remember sending the song..
But hearing it...
Yes, may I be grateful for this season of life
Work like you don't need money,
Love like you've never been hurt,
And dance like no one's watching.
Monday, October 04, 2010
Put the kettle on
After 5 days worth of late nights; both from going out and work..
Lots of food..
..nothing beats having a hot cup of green tea with lemon while curled up in bed :)
Lots of food..
..nothing beats having a hot cup of green tea with lemon while curled up in bed :)
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Why I cannot be a surgeon
...pt's family "Thank you for seeing my mother. Do you want me to get you something to eat?"
.."emmm no....I am good"
.."but you are pregnant, you have to take care of yourself"
..stunned..am I that fat? or is it the scrubs+outer gown
HAHA
.."emmm no....I am good"
.."but you are pregnant, you have to take care of yourself"
..stunned..am I that fat? or is it the scrubs+outer gown
HAHA
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Moving forward
We had a Christian Medical and Dental retreat nationwide recently.It was short, but it feels good to play a small part in organizing...makes me take ownership and responsibility instead of just taking things forgranted.
Funnily enough, everyone raved about the hotel buffet breakfast-maybe because we normally don't get the luxury of hot breakfasts-bacon, eggs, chocolate crossiants...yumm...
Maybe it's the Asian in me (I always use that term but it's kind of stating the obvious because I am Asian inside out), loves buffets even though I am not a huge eater.
Monday, September 06, 2010
Realization no 5
I have a temper within me that I have not known for a long time...
and mainly to the nurses...
...who call me at 230 am to say "I need an IVC now...."
.."what is it for?"
.."Antibiotics"
.."Isn't antibiotics given at 6am earliest. I do a morning round anyway at 530-6 and always do all the IVCs and other tasks then. If I come around now, I will have to come again a few times throughout the night. If the cannula is for heparin infusion/PCA I can come immediately. and I am covering the whole hospital. I cannot be walking up and down for a cannula that is needed at 6"
.."yes, but if I don't tell you now, I cannot write it in my nursing notes 'MO contacted'"
.."then what is the use of the M0 communication book?"
.."I need to write in the notes that I have contacted you."
.."but it is not an urgent cannula."
...........at this point I give up trying to make paging a little more systematic/triage based.
And multiply this by 3-4 different wards and at random hours of the night.
^_^
Note: not all nurses are like that, I have done nights too at another hospital where they will only page when the cannula is urgent-PCA/heparin/somac infusion. They trust doctors enough that we will come around in the morning and we trust them enough that when they page, it is urgent and we will come immediately. The problem with nonsense paging is that after a while, you do not know when to take them seriously or not.
Page beeps..
..Reply page..rings and rings and rings and rings..
No one picks up phone
..Call again
Finally someone picks up the phone.
.."Hello you paged?" (hold my tongue-wanted to say if you page, wait by the phone. What is the use of paging and running away? And I take pages seriously and reply immediately!)
.."Come and review patient, she has respiratory distress"
.."1st of all where are you calling from, what is the patient in for?"
.."some history given..."
.."What are the obs"
.."I haven't done them"
.."How can you tell me patient is in respiratory distress when you haven't counted the respiratory rate, 02 stas. Again, I am covering the whole hospital and I need to triage which patient needs to be seen urgently more than the others..look someone else is paging me now..
You also need to do the obs because it might be severe enough to be a MET call!"
^_^
God I need a lot of patience!
and mainly to the nurses...
...who call me at 230 am to say "I need an IVC now...."
.."what is it for?"
.."Antibiotics"
.."Isn't antibiotics given at 6am earliest. I do a morning round anyway at 530-6 and always do all the IVCs and other tasks then. If I come around now, I will have to come again a few times throughout the night. If the cannula is for heparin infusion/PCA I can come immediately. and I am covering the whole hospital. I cannot be walking up and down for a cannula that is needed at 6"
.."yes, but if I don't tell you now, I cannot write it in my nursing notes 'MO contacted'"
.."then what is the use of the M0 communication book?"
.."I need to write in the notes that I have contacted you."
.."but it is not an urgent cannula."
...........at this point I give up trying to make paging a little more systematic/triage based.
And multiply this by 3-4 different wards and at random hours of the night.
^_^
Note: not all nurses are like that, I have done nights too at another hospital where they will only page when the cannula is urgent-PCA/heparin/somac infusion. They trust doctors enough that we will come around in the morning and we trust them enough that when they page, it is urgent and we will come immediately. The problem with nonsense paging is that after a while, you do not know when to take them seriously or not.
Page beeps..
..Reply page..rings and rings and rings and rings..
No one picks up phone
..Call again
Finally someone picks up the phone.
.."Hello you paged?" (hold my tongue-wanted to say if you page, wait by the phone. What is the use of paging and running away? And I take pages seriously and reply immediately!)
.."Come and review patient, she has respiratory distress"
.."1st of all where are you calling from, what is the patient in for?"
.."some history given..."
.."What are the obs"
.."I haven't done them"
.."How can you tell me patient is in respiratory distress when you haven't counted the respiratory rate, 02 stas. Again, I am covering the whole hospital and I need to triage which patient needs to be seen urgently more than the others..look someone else is paging me now..
You also need to do the obs because it might be severe enough to be a MET call!"
^_^
God I need a lot of patience!
Sunday, September 05, 2010
Realization no 4
I started off internship with terrible cannulation and blood taking skills.
Somehow (which I attribute to God's wisdom) I started off in a hospital where there's an after hours specialist nurse who can come and help with difficult cannulas.
Plus it was a surgical term so I certainly got lots of practice.
It was then followed by ED, then 1 week of nights (with another resident).
By the time I was placed on nights alone (only me for the whole hospital-but at least there's a med reg), thank God my cannulation has improved. Plus I had a gradual weaning to doing nights alone.
Somehow (which I attribute to God's wisdom) I started off in a hospital where there's an after hours specialist nurse who can come and help with difficult cannulas.
Plus it was a surgical term so I certainly got lots of practice.
It was then followed by ED, then 1 week of nights (with another resident).
By the time I was placed on nights alone (only me for the whole hospital-but at least there's a med reg), thank God my cannulation has improved. Plus I had a gradual weaning to doing nights alone.
Friday, September 03, 2010
Realization no 3
I can actually sleep anywhere.
I used to be sleep resistant, even as a student-never been able to doze off on the bus etc
But now, I can sleep on the couch in the doctor's common room, sitting upright on a chair....
...and I am not even doing the crazy hours doctors in Malaysia do
I used to be sleep resistant, even as a student-never been able to doze off on the bus etc
But now, I can sleep on the couch in the doctor's common room, sitting upright on a chair....
...and I am not even doing the crazy hours doctors in Malaysia do
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Realization no 2
I can't do weekdays off well...
Part of me will feel guilty that I am not doing anything productive
Plus I can never wake up early enough-adding to the feeling that I am "wasting" my day off
...even though ironically days off should be for sleeping in
Part of me will feel guilty that I am not doing anything productive
Plus I can never wake up early enough-adding to the feeling that I am "wasting" my day off
...even though ironically days off should be for sleeping in
Monday, August 30, 2010
Realization no 1
I need to wear more "formal" clothes aka structured dresses, jackets...because no one believes that I am a doctor; I am often called sister, student....
...which I honestly do not mind EXCEPT when I am cannulating/blood taking and patients' refuse to trust my position.
...which I honestly do not mind EXCEPT when I am cannulating/blood taking and patients' refuse to trust my position.
Sunday, August 15, 2010
I still
I still want to do it Your way....
even though it seems more and more far fetched
even though it's disappointed me before
even though there is no change or progress
....so help me go on
...I too want to have Your story in my life told
even though it seems more and more far fetched
even though it's disappointed me before
even though there is no change or progress
....so help me go on
...I too want to have Your story in my life told
Thursday, August 05, 2010
The car
All throughout my student life I have always relied on public transport or walked everywhere.
When I got my car late last year, I was terrified of driving. I had not really driven in 7 years except for occasional visits back in Labuan; and let's be honest, the roads/traffic in tiny Labuan is a breeze.
Furthermore, some of the road rules in Australia are different. Even though the traffic light is green you have to wait for the opposite lane to clear before you turn etc...I was just afraid that instinctly I would just drive at the green lights, forgetting that the Australian system is different.
Plus I don't know Sydney roads at all! And I was moving to a suburb/area I never visited, except for 1 lecture at Bankstown Hospital.
Needless to say, the first few weeks of driving was terrifying. I wished I could bus again or simply walk. I found it stressful to park (haha) because most Australians parralel park but we Malaysians park straight in.
BUT, nowadays I am so used to driving that I drive when I can walk to the stores..haha.
And the GPS has been a great help! I would never have known how to drive around but the GPS has taken me north, south and even to the Blue Mountains.
It's also because of the car+GPS I can go to cell groups etc etc and thus, I am thankful to God for the above. Just need to still remind myself to be careful when driving and not rush.
Thursday, July 22, 2010
A dream
Then Joseph said to them, " Do not interpretations belong to God? Tell me your dreams."
Genesis 40:8b
Actually it's rather amazing that Joseph would want to have anything to do with dreams. The last time he did that, remember what happened? He told his brothers about his dreams and it was "Operation Pit City." He wound up in an Egyptian slave market. You'd think he would say, "Not me, man! I'm off of dreams forever." But not Joseph. He said "Oh really? A dream huh? Tell me about it." Charles R. Swindoll
Once bitten, twice shy?
I've seen and felt the pain of having dreams taken away; dreams where I felt was God pleasing.
But without vision, people perish.
I am daring to dream again; not that God will neccesarily grant me everything I dream about. But trusting him to be honest with what I truly desire. That He is big enough both in my joy and my disappointment.
Genesis 40:8b
Actually it's rather amazing that Joseph would want to have anything to do with dreams. The last time he did that, remember what happened? He told his brothers about his dreams and it was "Operation Pit City." He wound up in an Egyptian slave market. You'd think he would say, "Not me, man! I'm off of dreams forever." But not Joseph. He said "Oh really? A dream huh? Tell me about it." Charles R. Swindoll
Once bitten, twice shy?
I've seen and felt the pain of having dreams taken away; dreams where I felt was God pleasing.
But without vision, people perish.
I am daring to dream again; not that God will neccesarily grant me everything I dream about. But trusting him to be honest with what I truly desire. That He is big enough both in my joy and my disappointment.
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Being a doctor...
...to me is wayyyyy overated.
1st year of med school: I want to make a difference in the world/discover the cure to cancer/win the Nobel Price for Medicine
3rd year of med school: I want to make a difference in patients' lives
5th year of med school: Med school is boring, can't wait to be a doctor
6th year of med school: I just want to pass medicine
Intern year: I just want to remember my patients' names and find their files (which always disappear when your boss arrives, making you an intern who cannot even do a basic thing like finding a chart)
1st year of med school: I want to make a difference in the world/discover the cure to cancer/win the Nobel Price for Medicine
3rd year of med school: I want to make a difference in patients' lives
5th year of med school: Med school is boring, can't wait to be a doctor
6th year of med school: I just want to pass medicine
Intern year: I just want to remember my patients' names and find their files (which always disappear when your boss arrives, making you an intern who cannot even do a basic thing like finding a chart)
Saturday, July 10, 2010
Unanswered prayers?
To be honest, I do have sort of an achilles heel with God.
In my own grand plan and timeline I would be married now preferably to a Malaysian and striving to be a specialist, with the intention of returning home to Malaysia once I have achieved consultancy so that I can go back with my brood to serve.
But here I am, not sure about anything anymore!
And in a lot of ways I've grown quite numb towards God since living in Sydney.
No longer dreaming, no longer having a vision (and without vision people perish).
Yet this time when I am back with my family, I realize well, I think God has actually answered some of my prayers.
I remember a few years ago, when my father was going through his own dry season, I would purposely play a sermon CD in the car just so that he would listen because he wouldn't really pay attention in church. And my youngest sister and I would argue often.
But now, my father has changed so much! My family is so different.
I hope that my eyes will be open to see that my God is indeed big!
Saturday, July 03, 2010
Living in the present
Coming back to Malaysia AND staying in Vista brings back many fond memories of IMU days. As I've repeated lots of times, IMU was where I truly grew spiritually. There are thoughts of returning to Malaysia but many factors play against it; namely the lack of clinical skills, the uncertainity of posting placements, the workload. Still something I am praying about.
Yet I am reminded that I had currents of discontentment when I was in IMU too.
And the view is always better through nostalgic rose tinted glasses.
My resolution is to be consistent with my spiritual walk with God which includes simple things like reading the bible daily and praying. To make full use of the free time for ministry, meeting up with girls, building deep friendships. Indeed I am blessed in Sydney with an okay work load. :) 7 days of nights is the reason I can come back to Malaysia because I get 7 days off after that!
Indeed I do want to live in the present, with the grace of God.
Below are random pictures including taking public transport in KL! Haha
Yet I am reminded that I had currents of discontentment when I was in IMU too.
And the view is always better through nostalgic rose tinted glasses.
My resolution is to be consistent with my spiritual walk with God which includes simple things like reading the bible daily and praying. To make full use of the free time for ministry, meeting up with girls, building deep friendships. Indeed I am blessed in Sydney with an okay work load. :) 7 days of nights is the reason I can come back to Malaysia because I get 7 days off after that!
Indeed I do want to live in the present, with the grace of God.
Below are random pictures including taking public transport in KL! Haha
Sunday, June 27, 2010
Lack of skills
Many if not most of us have been brought up with the idea that overseas tertiary education is far superior than studying locally.
It was always something that I looked forward to; studying in the green grass overlooking an old building (sucked in by the advertising). Haha
When I started uni in Australia, I realized while maybe overseas universities are far superior and advanced in research; for the average undergraduate, it doesn't make much difference locally versus internationally (my sample size of course skewed towards just IMU vs UNSW).
As I assisted with a caesarean on my night shift recently I was humbled because I cannot even assist properly let alone do a caesarean. Our O&G term at the too posh Royal meant that we had zero to none hands on experience. Being a girl I was lucky enough to help delivery the placenta as a student, some of my male counterparts were not even allowed to touch anything. I have never fully delivered a baby on my own. Where as IMU students have a quota of deliveries that they have to do plus episitomy quotas as well! Of course I've heard that it can be super stressful trying to get the allocated number of births etc with the unpredictability of obstetrics and also jostling among coursemates for deliveries BUT...in a far small ulu distric hospital being the only MO on call, it will pay off.
Which makes me even more hesistant to return to work in Malaysia because I am simply not skilled enough. I can try to upskill another year in Australia but that would mean I might return as an MO in Malaysia where I would probably be less competent than the housemen in Malaysia.
I do not love O&G but I am considering to do a term of O&G just in case I might one day be in some small district hospital.....or...I don't know! Stay on?
It was always something that I looked forward to; studying in the green grass overlooking an old building (sucked in by the advertising). Haha
When I started uni in Australia, I realized while maybe overseas universities are far superior and advanced in research; for the average undergraduate, it doesn't make much difference locally versus internationally (my sample size of course skewed towards just IMU vs UNSW).
As I assisted with a caesarean on my night shift recently I was humbled because I cannot even assist properly let alone do a caesarean. Our O&G term at the too posh Royal meant that we had zero to none hands on experience. Being a girl I was lucky enough to help delivery the placenta as a student, some of my male counterparts were not even allowed to touch anything. I have never fully delivered a baby on my own. Where as IMU students have a quota of deliveries that they have to do plus episitomy quotas as well! Of course I've heard that it can be super stressful trying to get the allocated number of births etc with the unpredictability of obstetrics and also jostling among coursemates for deliveries BUT...in a far small ulu distric hospital being the only MO on call, it will pay off.
Which makes me even more hesistant to return to work in Malaysia because I am simply not skilled enough. I can try to upskill another year in Australia but that would mean I might return as an MO in Malaysia where I would probably be less competent than the housemen in Malaysia.
I do not love O&G but I am considering to do a term of O&G just in case I might one day be in some small district hospital.....or...I don't know! Stay on?
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Bits
1) I feel that I've missed the train again in life...
2) Doctors make the worst patients. My housemate has already started antibiotics for an URTI. I am sorely tempted to start myself
3) I now understand the obsession with TV series like the above or Friends etc. When you are in your mid twenties, somehow it seems comforting to watch other people on the screen with career,friendship,love life issues you can relate to a certain degree. (I still do not get the hype with SATC though)
4) I still fear cannulation on difficult patients....which brings me to the next topic
5) Nights make you fat because all you do is eat and sleep, messes about with your body clock and there is no one to help you if you cannot get that cannula in! (and I am starting nights tonight..)
Sunday, June 06, 2010
Give me eyes to see the more of who you are.
May what I behold still my anxious heart.
Take what I have known and break it all apart.
For you my God... are greater still.
And no sky contains no doubt restrains for all you are the greatness of our God!
I'll spend my life to know
and I'm far from close to all you are, the greatness of our God.
Give me grace to see beyond this moment here.
To believe that there is nothing left to fear.
That you alone are high above it all.
And you my God are greater still...
And no sky contains no doubt restrains for all you are the greatness of our God!
I'll spend my life to know
and I'm far from close to all you are, the greatness of our God.
And there is nothing that could ever separate us,
no there is nothing that could ever separate us from your love.
No life, no death,
of this I am convinced,
you my God are greater still..
And no words could say, or song convey for you are the greatness of our God I'll spend my life to know and I'm far from close to all you are the greatness of our God
And no sky contains no doubt restrains all you are the greatness of our God!
I'll spend my life to know
and I'm far from close to all
you are the greatness of our God.
Monday, May 17, 2010
Change
When I was in my early to mid teens, I started realizing something was not quite right with our country when I read Aliran; an alternative opposition newsletter/magazine that my father subscribed.
At that time the opposition (?what opposition..never even knew/read about them in newspapers or was taught anything in school)...was powerless, small.
Aliran used to write about illegal logging, secret deals by ministers, corruption charges etc but I was skeptical; after all nothing was ever reported in the newspapers/tv. Is a random, subscription only-not sold in newstand magazine more reliable than the mighty star or utusan etc.
Of course this was before the explosion of the web and blogs.
I never thought the opposition amounted to much.
Never even really knew them or what they stood for because there was limited access to information.
Then the unthinkable happened. Anwar was sacked (and we were like "huh? did not even know he had a fall out with the PM until the news of his sacking came around).
The momentum grew but it was still never strong enough to translate into much.
Suddenly, 2008 came around. Everyone was shocked, even the opposition themselves!
Who would have thought; Penang, Selangor, Perak ruled by the opposition parties? The race had always been close in Terengganu and Kelantan but never in the metropolition cities.
And now Sibu.
I must say I did not really pay much attention to the by election. Knew bits and pieces from people's facebook wall posts and some biased information on thestar.
But I was just reading a comment made on Malaysiatoday and was struck by this
written by lee utara , May 16, 2010 well done WONG PR DAP I AM CARRYING MY BABY WHEN IHEAR THE GOOD NEWS TEARS IN MY EYES I TELL HIM MAYBE HE DONT UNDERSTAND I SAY SON, YOU HAVE A HOPE MALAYSIAN HAS WAKE UP FOR OUR NEXT GENERATION PROSPEROUS FUTURE WHICH BN HAS JOLLY OFF.GOD BLESS ALL PR THINKING MALAYSIAN, GOOD-NIGHT
The grammar may not be correct etc but.. the comment "a hope for malaysia" resonated in me.
And I remember that I am actually a Sibu born girl.
The Rejang Park 5 million dollar bribe is actually where my grandmother's shop lot is and yes, it has flooded terribly for years and years without the government doing anything and only promising to do something...1 day before the election
(I was so paranoid when I went back last year that I would contract dengue as there was just stagnant water everywhere)
I really dont know if/when/will I go back to Malaysia.
But I know when I watch Lim Kit Siang's election ceramah on youtube, I can understand the mandarin, english and bm that he is saying. And when they talk about kampua mee or duit kopi I get all the slangs. And yes it doesn't mean that the opposition is perfect; but at least a healty democracy ensures the people can choose and that leaders are accountable to the people.
It's a flawed country, but I am still proud to be Malaysian.
At that time the opposition (?what opposition..never even knew/read about them in newspapers or was taught anything in school)...was powerless, small.
Aliran used to write about illegal logging, secret deals by ministers, corruption charges etc but I was skeptical; after all nothing was ever reported in the newspapers/tv. Is a random, subscription only-not sold in newstand magazine more reliable than the mighty star or utusan etc.
Of course this was before the explosion of the web and blogs.
I never thought the opposition amounted to much.
Never even really knew them or what they stood for because there was limited access to information.
Then the unthinkable happened. Anwar was sacked (and we were like "huh? did not even know he had a fall out with the PM until the news of his sacking came around).
The momentum grew but it was still never strong enough to translate into much.
Suddenly, 2008 came around. Everyone was shocked, even the opposition themselves!
Who would have thought; Penang, Selangor, Perak ruled by the opposition parties? The race had always been close in Terengganu and Kelantan but never in the metropolition cities.
And now Sibu.
I must say I did not really pay much attention to the by election. Knew bits and pieces from people's facebook wall posts and some biased information on thestar.
But I was just reading a comment made on Malaysiatoday and was struck by this
written by lee utara , May 16, 2010 well done WONG PR DAP I AM CARRYING MY BABY WHEN IHEAR THE GOOD NEWS TEARS IN MY EYES I TELL HIM MAYBE HE DONT UNDERSTAND I SAY SON, YOU HAVE A HOPE MALAYSIAN HAS WAKE UP FOR OUR NEXT GENERATION PROSPEROUS FUTURE WHICH BN HAS JOLLY OFF.GOD BLESS ALL PR THINKING MALAYSIAN, GOOD-NIGHT
The grammar may not be correct etc but.. the comment "a hope for malaysia" resonated in me.
And I remember that I am actually a Sibu born girl.
The Rejang Park 5 million dollar bribe is actually where my grandmother's shop lot is and yes, it has flooded terribly for years and years without the government doing anything and only promising to do something...1 day before the election
(I was so paranoid when I went back last year that I would contract dengue as there was just stagnant water everywhere)
I really dont know if/when/will I go back to Malaysia.
But I know when I watch Lim Kit Siang's election ceramah on youtube, I can understand the mandarin, english and bm that he is saying. And when they talk about kampua mee or duit kopi I get all the slangs. And yes it doesn't mean that the opposition is perfect; but at least a healty democracy ensures the people can choose and that leaders are accountable to the people.
It's a flawed country, but I am still proud to be Malaysian.
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Ho hum..
..humans forget so fast. or rather I do..
I remember the terror of exams especially in IMU; somehow exams in Australia are less nerve wercking. Where we fear failing sem 3/5. And pray desperately to God, "I just want to pass"
and now when I am working, I sometimes dread the irritating patients, pushy nurses, busy consultants.
of course, working also makes me realize I am no saint at all.
The impatience especially for patients who are not bothered to go to their GP for their cough but turn up in ED at 3am on a Sunday night.
..then I realize, I am privillaged to be where I am. Not because of my own smartness (of which I am not) but because of the grace of God that I am doing what I am doing..even if it means haggling with patients who refuse to be admitted that they need to be admitted while begging consultants to admit patients who do not need admission but who refuse to leave ED.
I remember the terror of exams especially in IMU; somehow exams in Australia are less nerve wercking. Where we fear failing sem 3/5. And pray desperately to God, "I just want to pass"
and now when I am working, I sometimes dread the irritating patients, pushy nurses, busy consultants.
of course, working also makes me realize I am no saint at all.
The impatience especially for patients who are not bothered to go to their GP for their cough but turn up in ED at 3am on a Sunday night.
..then I realize, I am privillaged to be where I am. Not because of my own smartness (of which I am not) but because of the grace of God that I am doing what I am doing..even if it means haggling with patients who refuse to be admitted that they need to be admitted while begging consultants to admit patients who do not need admission but who refuse to leave ED.
Thursday, May 06, 2010
Blog reading
It used to be the craze 3-4 years ago, where everyone had and read a blog.
As the years (gasp..sounds so old) have passed by, more and more of the blogs among my friends (including mine) have gathered dust.
But, it is still fascinating for me to read some blogs; where sometimes you can't express or even conceptualize what you are thinking into words and then you chance upon a post by someone who makes you go "aha!" or "guess I am not crazy/alone/weird to think this way too"
And so even though I have less and less to say as I grow older and realize my ignorance, I do hope to still write something down now and again. To think, ponder and rant. To catch my thoughts before they drown in a flurry of daily life.
As the years (gasp..sounds so old) have passed by, more and more of the blogs among my friends (including mine) have gathered dust.
But, it is still fascinating for me to read some blogs; where sometimes you can't express or even conceptualize what you are thinking into words and then you chance upon a post by someone who makes you go "aha!" or "guess I am not crazy/alone/weird to think this way too"
And so even though I have less and less to say as I grow older and realize my ignorance, I do hope to still write something down now and again. To think, ponder and rant. To catch my thoughts before they drown in a flurry of daily life.
Saturday, May 01, 2010
2 good weekends
How good it is to finally have 2 weekends off.....although I for see that I won't have any for the next few weeks.
Had the privilege to go to the nation wide christian medical and dental annual camp.
Did not have much expectations before I went; was totally flat out from a really bad day in ED and went 1 day late to the camp.
But the bad ED day was maybe God sent; having a great team/consultants previously made me place too much pride in my work. Being humbled in ED just the day before made me more receptive to God. Placing less trust in my work and realizing I do have to rely 100% on God.
While I did not have the typical post camp high, I am a little more at peace with the uncertainity of life. I don't know many things; I probably do not know anything at all. But not knowning doesn't mean that God is not near.
Indeed when you can't see His hand, that's when you have to learn to trust His heart....
it's something I am still working out in my life.
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Once upon a time..
...I had a dream, a purpose and passion. I had a dream to be a good doctor, specialize overseas, marry a fellow malaysian and come back to make a difference in the lives of patients in Malaysia. I had a passion for the poor, for those who were rejected by society. I had purpose; I thought it would be really fulfilling to be a doctor and bring love/change in my practice of medicine.
Along the way I left the country. Experienced many things, learnt to be tough. Survived, graduated but...
...I am now a doctor practising in Sydney. Living a fairly comfortable life of privillaged internship. Going to church, then out for lunch, shoping, online, working, sleeping...all good things...
but...my dear friend asked me, how do you think you have changed in the 3 years you've been overseas...
I realized I am more independent but more cold,
less stressed but more uncaring.
surviving but not alive.
I can't see myself living in Australia forever, yet I don't know if or when to go back to Malaysia.
Uncertain, unsure, directionless.
I sound ungrateful, but I still believe there is more to life than this....
Along the way I left the country. Experienced many things, learnt to be tough. Survived, graduated but...
...I am now a doctor practising in Sydney. Living a fairly comfortable life of privillaged internship. Going to church, then out for lunch, shoping, online, working, sleeping...all good things...
but...my dear friend asked me, how do you think you have changed in the 3 years you've been overseas...
I realized I am more independent but more cold,
less stressed but more uncaring.
surviving but not alive.
I can't see myself living in Australia forever, yet I don't know if or when to go back to Malaysia.
Uncertain, unsure, directionless.
I sound ungrateful, but I still believe there is more to life than this....
Wednesday, April 07, 2010
Here and there
Working in ED means I am working all weekends and have the weekdays off; of which I have exhausted all the malls to death and feel so bored in the midst of suburban mums and retired pensioners.
Last term was busy mainly because I was moving house (to a far far place called Riverwood at the dangerous wild wild west of Sydney), packing and cleaning the old place when I am not living in either houses but living in the further far far Campbelltown. All while trying to finish a poster that was printed 1 day before I flew of for the conference. (note to self; never do it again). And the house hunting, buying furniture and working weekends and having to go back to my former hospital to get the medical records for the poster on the weekends......
But apart from all the complaints, haha, work has been surprisingly alright; given that I am not gifted in cannulation/blood taking etc.
Plus driving is much much better now; I used to avoid driving at all cost because I was terrified as I never drove in Sydney but the long long drive to far far west hospitals have given me a bit more confidence.
And while all this has been going on, I realize how easy it is to forget about God himself. I was a bit more in tune at the start of the term mainly because I prayed that I will not get into a crash every time I drove or when I was overwhelmed in my surgical term etc etc haha. But increasingly I find myself nonchalant and realize indeed it's true how easy it is to slip into a working routine with God in the periphery. But anyway, that's all for now.
(the poster that I thought would never come to fruitation. wanted to give up even at the last week)
Last term was busy mainly because I was moving house (to a far far place called Riverwood at the dangerous wild wild west of Sydney), packing and cleaning the old place when I am not living in either houses but living in the further far far Campbelltown. All while trying to finish a poster that was printed 1 day before I flew of for the conference. (note to self; never do it again). And the house hunting, buying furniture and working weekends and having to go back to my former hospital to get the medical records for the poster on the weekends......
But apart from all the complaints, haha, work has been surprisingly alright; given that I am not gifted in cannulation/blood taking etc.
Plus driving is much much better now; I used to avoid driving at all cost because I was terrified as I never drove in Sydney but the long long drive to far far west hospitals have given me a bit more confidence.
And while all this has been going on, I realize how easy it is to forget about God himself. I was a bit more in tune at the start of the term mainly because I prayed that I will not get into a crash every time I drove or when I was overwhelmed in my surgical term etc etc haha. But increasingly I find myself nonchalant and realize indeed it's true how easy it is to slip into a working routine with God in the periphery. But anyway, that's all for now.
(the poster that I thought would never come to fruitation. wanted to give up even at the last week)
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Whirlwind
A pause and reflection is long overdue!
Hopefully I get some free days during ED term to refocus
Hopefully I get some free days during ED term to refocus
Monday, February 15, 2010
A retreat
This is my hospital temporary accomodation! It's nice and new. And I really thank God for the respite especially while adjusting to working life.
Saturday, January 30, 2010
So far
...working life is not too bad.
Although I still am bad bad bad at cannulas etc, I survived 2 weeks already. And I survived a public holiday 15 hour shift and a Friday overtime.
It's all credit to God though; providing an awesome hospital accomodation that is even better than my own apartment. Otherwise the 1 hour drive to Campbelltown each way for a 7 am start would have killed me. And I am starting to love my car. Even though it's just a 5 minute drive from the hospital to home everyday, that 5 minutes in the car helps for me to depersonalize from work.
Another overtime on Monday and another 15 hour on Sunday.
I still hate cannulas because being the only one on the surgical wards means there will be at least 8-10 of them to do, but, God willing, it will be alright.
Although I still am bad bad bad at cannulas etc, I survived 2 weeks already. And I survived a public holiday 15 hour shift and a Friday overtime.
It's all credit to God though; providing an awesome hospital accomodation that is even better than my own apartment. Otherwise the 1 hour drive to Campbelltown each way for a 7 am start would have killed me. And I am starting to love my car. Even though it's just a 5 minute drive from the hospital to home everyday, that 5 minutes in the car helps for me to depersonalize from work.
Another overtime on Monday and another 15 hour on Sunday.
I still hate cannulas because being the only one on the surgical wards means there will be at least 8-10 of them to do, but, God willing, it will be alright.
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
From a draw!
I've never been "lucky" in raffles, draws etc etc.
But today I won a book from a medical insurance draw!
Apparently it's a good book, but the thought of being on call next Friday doesn't appeal to me. But as I said, we international students nearly did not get a job this year. And Bankstown/Campbelltown is reputed to be a great network with supportive senior staff. So although it's daunting, I thank God that He is with me. And I truly pray that I will not complain so much about my job but learn to enjoy it! I really hope to develop great friendships as well with my collegues and be authentic in my life this year.
But today I won a book from a medical insurance draw!
Apparently it's a good book, but the thought of being on call next Friday doesn't appeal to me. But as I said, we international students nearly did not get a job this year. And Bankstown/Campbelltown is reputed to be a great network with supportive senior staff. So although it's daunting, I thank God that He is with me. And I truly pray that I will not complain so much about my job but learn to enjoy it! I really hope to develop great friendships as well with my collegues and be authentic in my life this year.
Friday, January 08, 2010
Malaysia my home
My church in Malaysia started it's 22 day prayer and fasting recently. People would come to church at 530 in the morning to pray and seek God. My church is not perfect; meetings with friends and fellow christians do reveal the ups and downs of being in a big church. I must confess that I too was a little jaded and cautious with church in Malaysia after hearing some stories. But that very weekend, the senior pastor who always stands by the door to greet members called me by name and said "welcome back." It was surprising because this is in a church of 2000+ plus that I have not been back for a year nor am close to him. I was humbled by my own judgement and began to catch the heartbeat of the church again. True, my church and its leaders are not perfect but no one is, especially me. What truly counts is the heart for God and for people.
It just seems so timely that when our church is having this fast that events around Malaysia are happening. We prayed at the end of 2009 for the court rulling over this issue. I am sure the church is praying again as new challenges arise. Even in the few weeks that I was back, the sermons revolved around changing our nation through our love, prayer and our lives. Our pastor even spoke strongly against migrating; that we are made Malaysian for a purpose and destiny. That if we do not believe in our country nor stand in the gap, who will?
I do love my country but I don't know how will God direct me. I signed a 2 year contract here and bought a car. I don't mind working for a lower pay back home but I am afraid that my spiritual life will die under 36 hour calls. Yet I realize that I still haven't captured the heart of God for Sydney. Sydney is comfortable and nice, but my spiritual life was pretty stagnant here. (it's not the fault of the place but rather my laziness and lack of accountability or vision?). Does it mean that I will only date a Malaysian with the view to go back? (Because I know haha, no non Malaysian would want to stay in Malaysia).
I don't have any answers. I dare not make empty promises or utter broken vows.
But for now, I know, even though I am not there in Malaysia, at church at 530, I will be here in Sydney, praying. Praying for my birthplace. Praying that the fire and the closeness to God that I rekindled in Malaysia will not die in the comforts and hustle and bustle of Sydney. And praying too that I will be his instrument in Sydney; to live in the present and grow in God here.
Wednesday, January 06, 2010
Contentment
It's been a long time since I've felt contented and rested. I would not even mind if time would just stand still.
But it's back to reality and to Sydney!
I really hope that this year will be different; that my walk with God no longer needs to rest on the past experiences in Malaysia but indeed be built on the present.
But it's back to reality and to Sydney!
I really hope that this year will be different; that my walk with God no longer needs to rest on the past experiences in Malaysia but indeed be built on the present.
Saturday, January 02, 2010
A trip up north
It was an impulsive trip, borne out of the realization that I will not get the chance to travel much next year and closed doors elsewhere. I must confess I did not pray much but just wrote to the missionary family I knew from DUMC.
One month later I was in Chiang Mai; not knowing what to expect without any agendas in mind.
The day market
The Living Waters Center that provides accommodation for cancer patients seeking treatment from rural Thailand in Chiang Mai. The center also has a T shirt painting scheme for young girls with the intention of training them up to be self supporting.
It's really a privilege to stay with locals there because they know where to eat and shop. Pictured is fried morning glory flowers with thai sauce.
The night gardens. It was winter in Chiang Mai when I went.
The day market and the food.
All in all the food was good, the shopping was alright but what I treasured the most was the opportunity to hear and share with them. It's been a long time since anyone has dared to speak truth into my life; confronting and challenging me in a godly way. It was also eye opening; both scary and encouraging to hear about real mission life with its' ups and downs.
I dare say that this holiday though only a few days long is a turning point for me. Although yes I still don't know how life will turn out (but who does) I am not worried. Indeed, I love this verse from Proverbs 31...
25 She is clothed with strength and dignity;
she can laugh at the days to come.
Looking forward to 2010!
One month later I was in Chiang Mai; not knowing what to expect without any agendas in mind.
The day market
The Living Waters Center that provides accommodation for cancer patients seeking treatment from rural Thailand in Chiang Mai. The center also has a T shirt painting scheme for young girls with the intention of training them up to be self supporting.
It's really a privilege to stay with locals there because they know where to eat and shop. Pictured is fried morning glory flowers with thai sauce.
The night gardens. It was winter in Chiang Mai when I went.
The day market and the food.
All in all the food was good, the shopping was alright but what I treasured the most was the opportunity to hear and share with them. It's been a long time since anyone has dared to speak truth into my life; confronting and challenging me in a godly way. It was also eye opening; both scary and encouraging to hear about real mission life with its' ups and downs.
I dare say that this holiday though only a few days long is a turning point for me. Although yes I still don't know how life will turn out (but who does) I am not worried. Indeed, I love this verse from Proverbs 31...
25 She is clothed with strength and dignity;
she can laugh at the days to come.
Looking forward to 2010!
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