Not because of me, but inspite of me

This was where I cajoled, talked and urged; prayed and worked together with my CF to bring a change to IMU. This was where I stood in front of my members during my tenure as president (for the record, I was imperfect in this role), with words that God's grace is sufficient for your exams, don't worry about tomorrow, that we should look to God.

It's just 2-3 months ago, yet it seems like eternity has passed.

I remember the smiles, the lame jokes. How confident I was with my words; not because I was great but because I did not grasp the significance of what I spoke. What it meant to daily take up the cross. To surrender all. To trust Him.

I remember the rush of going on mission trips! Of camps. Complaining about summatives and PMS matching options. Where the biggest "trial" was the lack of sleep and a poor memory. Plus the lack of food options in IMU..(haha, and now IMU has an atm, just right after I leave..)

I went back today for the 1st time since the news broke. I saw that in many ways, things are still the same. Same escalators that don't move. The same order of programs, the same people who give their best to God, the same jokes, the same struggles with exams and time, yet the same victories.

And here I was, at the back of SR5 trying hard to control my emotions and disappointments. The tears that stubbornly roll down during praise and worship. The raw pain of a heart broken and a life violently rocked by a crisis. When everything's not normal in a world that seems to still go on normally.

When I finally stood in front of the CFers today towards the end of CF at my own request to speak (yea tak tahu malu!), I wouldn't have recognize the Sarah who spoke. Who couldn't really control her tears, who spoke haltingly, who's a pale shadow of her former self.

The many junior faces I didn't recognize, the exam struggles I no longer could relate too...

Bruised and hurting. A broken jar. No longer the confident president but the struggling ex. Who's words come back to haunt her. Who could sacrely control her own emotions let alone encourage others.

Yet in the midst of all this, I realized it's precisely in this wounded state where God is most glorified.

When it's no longer how eloquent I sound nor how cheerful I act, but how much I am in need of a Saviour. When it's no longer how well I overcame, but how much I can't overcome and need help. When it's no longer what I say that brings change, but how God brings change when we let Him have His say. When it's no longer how well I fight, but how much I let Him fight on my behalf.

And I chose to speak, not because I had really wonderful things to share. Nor powerful victories. Come one, with swollen eyes and a really terrible mood, haha, I don't want to scare the juniors away! (Like imagine! Product of 5 sems in CF= a crazy girl who can't stop crying, who's heart is in pieces, who can't even control her frustrations)

But I spoke because to the best I can, I still want to whisper in the midst of my brokenness that God remains good. That my God is still as relevant in my life (if not more) as He was 3 months ago. That although I am down to my knees and the pain is killing, His grace is sufficient even........................even when I don't feel it.