Timeless

Yea I'm back in Lbn for a few days.

Rifling through the cupboards out of sheer boredom, I came across some old cassettes. (Yea, I know what you're thinking...do such things still exist?! haha)

There was one cassette in Mandarin and since I'm bored (oh no, repeating the same word twice already), decided to play it; not knowing if it will still work because the tape might be dirty since it hasn't been played for years (if you still remember what it was like to play cassettes).

The 1st song that came out was this really overplayed song in my church during the song's popularity 5-7 years ago. Those who grew up in church MUST know this song cuz it's really famous in a way.

Never mind that the song on the cassette was in Mandarin...just a few notes into the song, the lyrics just flooded back...because it's impossible to forget this song!

My life is in You, Lord,
My strength is in You Lord
My hope is in You, Lord, in You, it's in You (Repeat)

I will praise You with all of my heart
I will praise You with all of my mind
With all of my life, and all of my strength
All of my hope is in You!


Because this song was overplayed in my church and has a funny beat (like it's not really a slow song, not really fast either), I admit I didn't really like this song last time.

But even as I was just listening to this song just now, for a moment, I really felt at peace again.

In the midst of so many chances & adjustments, things can be stressful at times at home. What more with a change of church next year, meeting new ppl in Oz. A new campus, cf?, cg?, friends?
Especially as I personally dislike walking into a new church when everybody's face is so foreign and when you blush as you stand up as they annouce the newcomers. When you have to learn to fit in again, be thick skinned in finding a niche in a uni that didn't even know that they had to send you an offer letter to do your visa because it's their first time twinning with IMU!

My life is in You, Lord. So goes the song.

And just like how I can never forget this song (even when my memory is really bad!), I guess it's just a really good reminder that no matter where or what happens, God is and will be the same.

Regardless if it's on Sat nite at DUMC among friends, or in CF with all the wonderful juniors, or at CG, or alone in a small room in Oz, or soon to be grilled to death in the hospital for being "bimboitic"...it's really reassuring to know God doesn't change.

Even though I can't take all the cassettes or cds or books or sentimental stuff to Oz because of a weight limit, leave family and friends back here...
Travel up and down KL, face life shattering events, move in and out of hospitals, visit oncologist after oncologist, have bad dreams and wake up to nightmares come true...
And when the future looks so cloudy and blur....


...at least God goes wherever I go

...even if, yea even if I forget to take Him along sometimes.



With all of my life, and all of my strength
All of my hope is in You


Timeless.



Oh yea, about the being bored part....if you're as bored as me, you can read what I wrote when I was so bored. http://simplylearning.blogspot.com/2006/10/its-dawn-of-new-era.html. Warning it's a "bimboitic" post!

Grains

Grip tightly, human nature shouts in fearful demand

what if the wind blows everything away?

there would be no more grains left to share

yet the quiet voice whispers

human hands can never grip grains of sand

the cracks in between fingers,

can anyone carry a fistful without losing a single grain?

so why not let it be

hands Divine that decide

if the winds should blow

or if the ocean should be still

may it always be

that it's never self seeking

Held

Held - Natalie Grant

Two months is too little.
They let him go.
They had no sudden healing.
To think that providence would
Take a child from his mother while she prays
Is appalling.

Who told us we’d be rescued?
What has changed and why should we be saved from nightmares?
We’re asking why this happens
To us who have died to live?
It’s unfair.

Chorus:
This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we’d be held.
This hand is bitterness.
We want to taste it, let the hatred numb our sorrow.
The wise hands opens slowly to lilies of the valley and tomorrow.

(Chorus)
This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we’d be held.

Bridge:
If hope is born of suffering.
If this is only the beginning.
Can we not wait for one hour watching for our Savior?

(Chorus)
This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we’d be held.

Paradigm shift

........someone with that kind of outlook—not someone who wants a perfect life, but someone who wants to love perfectly—is amazing."



It's just another article chanced upon, but the ending phrase really jumped out at me. Really, I want to capture this spirit. A real paradigm shift from my selfish perspective of life.


Life after all is never perfect, but His perfect love overcomes all fear.




Other things I've been reading:
1) http://fightingbreastcancer.blogspot.com/
Quote "I just wanted everyone to have a chance to see the video clip...it's awesome and very touching. I bawled like a baby through the entire thing...because it truly hit home. Follow the link: www.thesurvivormovie.com"

2) http://sunnyside2day.blogspot.com/2005/10/from-my-daughters-point-of-view.html
Quote "And I'm not asking for a pity party, or attempting to use a crutch, I just want a hand to hold on if I need it. To these people, I just want to grab them and scream at them to realize just how fragile this all is, everything you have, everything you do, and everything you are. But right now, my energy and time is devoted to someone else...and I just can't. So I just take a step away."

Yea, I knew I hit that same really low point 2 weeks ago where I just couldn't control my emotions and snapped at some people when they merely asked questions (I'm really sorry!). Where I couldn't answer to the question "How's your mum?" or "What's your mum doing in KL" or "So have you resigned from your job?" without crying/snapping.
It sounds like a lame excuse that I couldn't control my emotions but honestly, I was shocked at myself for not being able to hold back; imagine crying in front of friends all of a sudden. So memalukan okay? Haha.

But I'm better now (haha yea can ask me questions now) and it's really reassuring to know I'm not the only daughter that feels that way and I'm still sane. :)

Paragraphs

at the moments where sleep eludes and the night's silence envelopes the room, the ears strain just to hear the rhythemic sounds of breathing............so afraid the soft breaths would stop.

when the tears brim the eyes as she watches the taxi leave, you suddenly realize your parents are just not parents; you no longer define them just as Mum and Dad.....but two human beings who love each other, who misses each other.

when her eyes crinkle in a smile, and she radiates so much joy, until it seems like she's the most unaffected member of the family, you think "I can't lose her."

when you have four guys at the back of the car, and loads of books+stuff on their legs; when strangers you just met share their disappointments and thanksgivings; when someone is willing to brave the rain to carry the junk you have.....you know not even a second was wasted in the precious cell group.

when you have friends who hear you bring up the same topic, again and again, and again, and again, and again...

yet still listen,

you know you have great friends.

in the silence,

let it be the voice of God that speaks.

when you've read too many political/medical/legal thrillers that you can guess the ending,

sigh, haha, it's time to touch the medical books once again!

:)

Change

God,

Yes I'm unhappy. And no matter what the rational is, the explanations, the advice, the efforts.... I realize this situation cannot be changed. I can't escape it.

So Lord,
As much I as I hate to say this
Please change me.
Change me to accept Your will.
No, on hindsight, not just to accept, but to REJOICE in Your will. To delight in it.
Even if the situation doesn't change. Even if I don't know what Your will is. Even when everything is happening at the wrong time.



My dear friends, just pray that God's will be done at His time. And loads of grace+sane mind for me! :)
(Wow, I've finallly been able to use :) haha, after so long time)

Yes, no matter what the outcome is, it will be okay. :)

Truly....somehow

:)

oh yea, i'm not a sadistic psycho...all this is about another issue not related to the cancer.

I've failed

I've complained and sobbed.
Struggled in the mental wrestling match; trying to hit the shadows.

I am ashamed to say that when the test came, I failed.


Abraham Tested Genesis 22

1 Some time later God tested Abraham. He said to him, "Abraham!" "Here I am," he replied.
2 Then God said, "Take your son, your only son, Isaac, whom you love, and go to the region of Moriah. Sacrifice him there as a burnt offering on one of the mountains I will tell you about."
3 Early the next morning Abraham got up and saddled his donkey. He took with him two of his servants and his son Isaac. When he had cut enough wood for the burnt offering, he set out for the place God had told him about.
4 On the third day Abraham looked up and saw the place in the distance.
5 He said to his servants, "Stay here with the donkey while I and the boy go over there. We will worship and then we will come back to you."
6 Abraham took the wood for the burnt offering and placed it on his son Isaac, and he himself carried the fire and the knife. As the two of them went on together,
7 Isaac spoke up and said to his father Abraham, "Father?" "Yes, my son?" Abraham replied. "The fire and wood are here," Isaac said, "but where is the lamb for the burnt offering?"
8 Abraham answered, "God himself will provide the lamb for the burnt offering, my son." And the two of them went on together.
9 When they reached the place God had told him about, Abraham built an altar there and arranged the wood on it. He bound his son Isaac and laid him on the altar, on top of the wood. 10 Then he reached out his hand and took the knife to slay his son.
11 But the angel of the LORD called out to him from heaven, "Abraham! Abraham!" "Here I am," he replied.
12 "Do not lay a hand on the boy," he said. "Do not do anything to him. Now I know that you fear God, because you have not withheld from me your son, your only son."
13 Abraham looked up and there in a thicket he saw a ram [a] caught by its horns. He went over and took the ram and sacrificed it as a burnt offering instead of his son.
14 So Abraham called that place The LORD Will Provide. And to this day it is said, "On the mountain of the LORD it will be provided."


Can I really say I love God above all things? Even good things? Good things that are so dear to me?
Can I willingly sacrifice my wants for His will? Even my needs for His will?

Can I say like David, Your love is better than life?




I know the answer. It's ugly.




I've so much more to learn......

One day...

One day...

......the shivers of winter would be melted by the warmth of the budding spring

.....smiles would simply be smiles, need not be partnered with tears

.....there won't be heavy silences, quiet eyes but mischevious grins, warm hands

.....the hidden trail would come to life, deep with impressions of footsteps of the willing

.....the weed would cease to choke no more but bloom.

.....my mess would be a distant memory, blown away by the laughter of them yet to be born

.....it won't matter anymore.....

One day...

Matthew 6:28........ See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these.



John 11: 35 Jesus wept.

Not because of me, but inspite of me

This was where I cajoled, talked and urged; prayed and worked together with my CF to bring a change to IMU. This was where I stood in front of my members during my tenure as president (for the record, I was imperfect in this role), with words that God's grace is sufficient for your exams, don't worry about tomorrow, that we should look to God.

It's just 2-3 months ago, yet it seems like eternity has passed.

I remember the smiles, the lame jokes. How confident I was with my words; not because I was great but because I did not grasp the significance of what I spoke. What it meant to daily take up the cross. To surrender all. To trust Him.

I remember the rush of going on mission trips! Of camps. Complaining about summatives and PMS matching options. Where the biggest "trial" was the lack of sleep and a poor memory. Plus the lack of food options in IMU..(haha, and now IMU has an atm, just right after I leave..)

I went back today for the 1st time since the news broke. I saw that in many ways, things are still the same. Same escalators that don't move. The same order of programs, the same people who give their best to God, the same jokes, the same struggles with exams and time, yet the same victories.

And here I was, at the back of SR5 trying hard to control my emotions and disappointments. The tears that stubbornly roll down during praise and worship. The raw pain of a heart broken and a life violently rocked by a crisis. When everything's not normal in a world that seems to still go on normally.

When I finally stood in front of the CFers today towards the end of CF at my own request to speak (yea tak tahu malu!), I wouldn't have recognize the Sarah who spoke. Who couldn't really control her tears, who spoke haltingly, who's a pale shadow of her former self.

The many junior faces I didn't recognize, the exam struggles I no longer could relate too...

Bruised and hurting. A broken jar. No longer the confident president but the struggling ex. Who's words come back to haunt her. Who could sacrely control her own emotions let alone encourage others.

Yet in the midst of all this, I realized it's precisely in this wounded state where God is most glorified.

When it's no longer how eloquent I sound nor how cheerful I act, but how much I am in need of a Saviour. When it's no longer how well I overcame, but how much I can't overcome and need help. When it's no longer what I say that brings change, but how God brings change when we let Him have His say. When it's no longer how well I fight, but how much I let Him fight on my behalf.

And I chose to speak, not because I had really wonderful things to share. Nor powerful victories. Come one, with swollen eyes and a really terrible mood, haha, I don't want to scare the juniors away! (Like imagine! Product of 5 sems in CF= a crazy girl who can't stop crying, who's heart is in pieces, who can't even control her frustrations)

But I spoke because to the best I can, I still want to whisper in the midst of my brokenness that God remains good. That my God is still as relevant in my life (if not more) as He was 3 months ago. That although I am down to my knees and the pain is killing, His grace is sufficient even........................even when I don't feel it.

Anger!

Hi Mr Anger. I don't recognize you. Because you are so foreign to me and I seldom have the need for you.

Meeting you Mr Anger has increased my pulse beat and made me nauseous. What a grand first time entrance you make in my life Mr Anger!

My friends would be surprised that I am getting to know you better because they have never seen me within 5 miles from your radius. I admit I maybe occasional buddies with Mr Melancholic, Mr Depressed or Mr Complainer, but you Mr Anger am not in my friendster list.

No offense Mr Anger, but I don't want to be friends with you. Yet I've been pushed to the limit by hurt. I don't want to retaliate so you have to go or else Mr Sacrastic would start to partner you to crowd my life.

Enough has been said.

Post edit: Yea, I'm still wounded, but going to CF helped, although I had to force myself to go and was like a wreck there. Thanks guys. For being a place safe enough for me to cry and for your encouragements.

And I've learnt that I may not be strong outwardly or emotionally...

but it's only then God's glory is revealed in weakness.

Indeed, as difficult and as *argh!* as this is,

God You must increase and I must decrease.

2 Chronicles 20:15b Do not be afraid or discouraged because of this vast army. For the battle is not yours but the Lord's.......17 You will not need to fight this battle. Take up your positions, stand firm and see the deliverance the Lord will give you O Judah and Jerusalem.

So far...

It started with a 4.5 cm radiopaque mass and a palpable axillary lymph node.
Then it followed with a biopsy result of ductal carcinoma.
Next was tests, tests and more tests.
Frantic phone calls to secure a surgical spot.
Surgery and its wait.
The scars and limitations.

We've travelled far.

Yesterday was the final histopath report and the removal of dressings.

Now there's a 17cm scar.

Jargon ahead. It's aggressive ductal carcinoma and is not estrogen receptor positive. This is not good, removes one option of treatment by hormonal drugs. It's also highly aggressive, with a 3+ rating (on a scale of 1 to 3). Which is why we were very shocked that the lump was cancer as she just had a routine normal scan last December. But there's great news as well.

Despite 2 doctors feeling a lump at the axilla, all 21 lymph nodes removed are clear. That's really a miracle. A miracle I myself in my medical trained mind was very skeptical to pray about because a node was palpable during physical examination. I was just so afraid to pray and set myself up for disappoinment. But I guess God is merciful and gracious and does work miracles despite prayers that are not powerful (mine only la), haha, I know other people did pray and is still praying strongly.

A good thing is that margins are clear, but due to the size of the cancer, slight involvment of deep muscles maybe present, although not inflirating yet. It's great we did the surgery very fast as the mitotic cells are in the early stages mixed with precancerous cells; even though the cancerous cells are at such early stages the cancer is so aggresive to produce a lump of 4 cm within a few months!

Another great thing is that there is no evidence of vascular involvement.

Well, the next step would be treatment options. Most likely to involve chemotherapy and radiotherapy. The hard part would be chemotherapy where the breast cancer survivors who come and visit in our house are telling us the things to expect. Nausea, hair loss..which are things we medical students are aware of. But also other details that we don't really bother to read/memorize...urine turning red, mouth ulcers, bone pain up to 7 years after chemo treatment, severe constipation, confusion and memory loss....the list goes on.

And you sit there and hear the list being rattled off, almost like a PBL, only thing this might happen to your mum soon.

But God's grace is sufficient everyday. There maybe times where everything just seems so so hard, so so unfair. Yet those are the times you cling to God, because there's no one else to turn to. It's unfair to expect my friends to understand completely, although I am very grateful for all your support (I mean, I myself also am at a loss to understand what other people go through in circumstances I've never experienced and am often at lost for words too). But God understands every single minute of this all.

If God was not in this picture, I can't imagine how things would be like.

And in the moments where you discover that, "Hey, if you cry too much till you are dehydrated, your top lip actually cracks." (which is a new discovery for me!)
and that "I never knew humans can have double eyebags" and "Hey I don't look so ugly even with double eyebags" (HAHAHA, yea perasaannya), I am thankful I worship and love a God who has a sense of humour, who's kind and gentle, yet who's all powerful and all knowing.

Plus He loves me too! :)

Continue to pray for us. Every treatment, every decision...God does hear your prayers.

In everything...

It's easy to be angry with God, with everything that's going so badly now...

yet, have I forgot to thank Him for the good?

shall we accept blessings but not calamity?

It's hard to be real without being a complainer,

It's hard to be positive without being an actress.

It's striking a balance between honest feelings and upbeat attitudes.

So Lord,

For the extravagant surprises and the downcast skies,

For laughter, sweet smiles and friendly "hi"s,

For sobs, tears and dark nights,

Yet for bonus blessings and wonderful trips,

The unanswered prayers and unhappy endings,

Unexpected bounties and special stories,

Multiple mercies when least deserved,

Yet the agonizing silence and hurting truth,

Promises of new beginings and better days,

Unfairness of life and burdens to bear,

Precious gifts of love and unending peace,

The uncertainties and frustrating moments,

Shocking news and stabbing wounds,

Comforts, joys and happy days,

Funny times and dreams realized,

Rejection and pain felt inside,

Great milestones and profound experiences,

Big miracles and daily bread,

For sighs that are inaudible outside,

Yet for hope that is in sight......

For everything great, good and bad...

I want to say...

This is my story, this is my song,

praising my Savior all the day long;

this is my story, this is my song,

praising my Savior all the day long.

Of markets and crabs

When I was young, my sisters and I hated to go to the big market in town because it was dark, dirty and smelly; especially the fish market.

Now, argh haha, I have no choice but to go there everyday to buy fish...

All this while the only "marketing" I do is in the airconditioned comforts of Carrefour or Giant, and the fish/pork/chicken comes in styrofoam packages.

My bargaining skills are non existant, and...haha, when I was paying for spring onions, I thought it costs Rm1 per bunch and walked away after giving a RM1 note...only to have the girl chase me to give me back my change of 50cents. Aiyo, that screams "AMATUER BLUR!" Even if I get cheated, I'd probably not realize it...

Pigs heads...I think they sell for RM12 perhead..
See, dirty floors! The black water is from the fish & squid juices...hahaha

Haha, since it was a Sunday...I decided to *cough* cook CRABS cuz my sister loves crabs and only my mum and I cook them. (ok la correction, my mum can cook crabs and I can try to cook crabs..haha). Since I'm going to KL I thought it'd be good to cook crabs once for her.

Imagine, have to get out of bed at 7, go to market, come back, wash and freeze the fish/pork..then go to church. And the crabs are ALIVE. One of the crabs actually jumped out of the basin on the table and when we got back from church it was crawling on the floor!

I see you!
The hard part about cooking crabs is killing the crabs with a huge chooper without getting clawed. You'd have to chop really hard, but also be careful to not damage the shells. Plus the crab would move around and try to claw you. And this really smart Sarah decided to buy 2.5 Kgs of crabs because she overestimated herself and wanted to cook for 4 other families who helped a lot in prayer etc. So she had to wrestle with the crabs while not chopping her own hand.

After chopping, wash the outer shells...make a crab salad with potatoes, tuna, mayo, spring onions, crab sticks and fill the shells. Then top it with cheese and bake...

Cook the crabs! This amount is good for 5 families..So far, the ppl I "distributed" the crabs to have not complained..or they are too polite to do so...hahaha.

The final product..

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Going to see my mum and taking care of her in KL is both great and scary as well. Great in the sense that I can be there personally and talk to her, be there when she goes for the doctor's report and regime planning on Sunday (pray yea, it's this coming Sunday when we'd know what course of treatment she's going to undergo & if there's lymph node involvement. We're praying for no lymph node involvement).

Yet it's scary because there's only so much emotion that can be controlled. It's easier to be positive and cheerful on the phone with her, because it's only for a short while. After you put down the phone, you can cry if you want etc. But it's really heart wrenching to be there in person to see all the changes. She's not yet taken out the bandages. She hasn't seen how her chest looks like. The last thing I want is for myself to tear up and have her comforting me instead of the other way around.

I don't want her to see me sad/anxious/tired.

But this is my mum whom I love.

I don't know. I've always been a bad actress.

Well God, take care of everything.