Today

Today.......

The buzz of people milling around; congregating under the red canopy. The aroma of freshly cooked curry mingled with sweat, fumes, the decay of wet unidentifiables and choking tobbacco smoke. The hot sun blazing in all its 2 in the afternoon glory. Tired faces, gaunt faces, hollow cheeks, beer bellies, yellow discoloured eyes, chapped skin. Aged males, old women, a few innocent babies obvilious to the surroundings, ex convicts, former businessmen. Fathers, mothers, sons.

Volunteers busy dishing out the food. The heap of plates growing higher. The nurse registering the patients in the makeshift clinic of 1 table, 4 chairs and 2 square plastic boxes of medication.
Song sheets put up. Singing starts. The sound of voices fighting to competing with the honks and engine roars from the road, the drilling sound of a nearby construction work, some people still talking.

There's no band, no orchestera. Yet beauty is most prominent in ugliness. Where else would the sound of God's love be proclaimed in the darkest, dirties corners of KL?

It's been a long time since I last came. Since MSK and CNS..the twin horrors of semester 5.
Yet yes, they call me by name. They know I haven't been there lately. They remember. Oh yes, they remember.

The work sometimes appear to be futile. Can a conversation and a hot meal transform a 10 year hard core addict? A glass of water touch a prisoner to change?
We see the same people filter in and out. Some go in and out of rehab. I have never "changed" a person, let alone bring a person to Jesus there. I am no doctor who can save a life. I am only a maid that arranges plates, give food, talk a bit, dispense some medication (aka count some tablets and pack into small plastic). Anything anyone can do.

Sometimes I don't know why do I even go. There's no handsome guys..(HAHAHAHA). No handsome doctors...(HAHAHAHAHA). Okay, even if there were handsome doctors they would be married or too old. There's no air con. There's no monetary benefit. It is harzadous to breath the smoke of tobacco from hand rolled cigarrettes. It is hot.


But....
I know this is where my Jesus would be.

And I realize I go because I don't know a lot of things in life.

Like, I don't know where I'd go after IMU. I don't know who I'd marry or even if I'd marry at all. I don't know if I'd marry a doctor or a non-doctor and have 2 kids? Or 5? or 10?(HAHAHAHA..sorry I need to put in some humour if not EP will say my blog is too depressing)

But seriously, I don't know what kind of doctor I'd be. Will I kill a patient? 10 patients? 100? 1000? I don't know if I'm making the right choices or not. I don't know how should I "lead." I feel helpless at times, useless at others. I don't know if I'm being fussy or if I'm "following the will of God." What is the will of God anyway? Missions? Motherhood? (HAHAHAHHA) Specialization? Can pass sem5 or not first?

I think I'm killing my CF and my CG. I don't know even at times how should I pray. I don't know how to balance studies and "ministry" well. I don't know if that dream is realistic? I don't think I'm good enough. Anyway I don't even know which "theory" is true, that there's a couple of possible people or just one person? I don't know how to make lasting friendships. I realize I'm selfish, proud and timid. I don't know if the dreams I have is of God or of my own. I really don't know if I'm honouring Him or not.

And precisely because I don't know so much things about life, even about God...
.....I feel a strange sense of peace in this funny place.
Because of all the things I don't know...I know for 100% this IS where He would be.
Plus I get to know this compassionate Jesus of mine here.

Cuz you'll only fall in love with someone deeply deeply when you see his character being displayed.
You'd never realize the sacrifice of God becoming man, until you realize it's not an aircon, sterile, midvalley, cinema galore world He inhabited. No, He came to this germ infested, broken-hearted, sinful, dirty, rotten, hot world.

And He didn't hesistate to squat by the longkang with the stagnant, smelly water and talk to the broken man.

Holding the hand of the transvestite.
Smiling into the eyes of the ex-convict from Kajang prison.
Touching the HIV sufferer.
Scolding in love the alcholic man.
Chatting about family with the gambler.
Offering a glass of cold chinese tea to the heavily chained gangster.

This is where He would have walked. Where He would have talked. Where He would have lived, breathed and died.

He would have looked into the eyes of the hopeless person and gently heal...
.....and those eyes would have belonged to me.....


Lord of all the things I don't know...teach me to know You and make You known.

*Su chuen and linda were great company! :). AND thanks Mr Anonymous Photographer whom I will not mention here cuz he don't need any more praise cuz he might overcome the effect of gravity...thanks yea...*