Necrosis at 10:19pm

I've just finished my dinner...after 3 hours of staring at food..with 30 minutes of sleep in between...won't actually eat it, but must because I didn't eat lunch, except a b'day cake in the afternoon. Too tired to eat. (You better not tell mama okay...she'll kill me 100% for not eating and then worry that I'm overtaxing)

Notes are lagging. A lot of other things to be done. The irony, I'm busy because of people, yet I'm too busy to even talk to people properly. What's the use of running around everywhere, yet miss out on people, the very reason I'm running around?

It's not that I don't want to pioritize my time or let go of some things...I knew this would happen even before I started the semester.
I've cut down to the bare minimum. I want to let go of certain things, but I will not drop it until someone else continues on because the needs are just so great. Yes, I can choose to ignore things but can I?
Like Miss Vijaya said to the question "Why should we pray for our campus and families?" The answer, "Can we afford not too?"
No, I cannot and hopefully will not delibrately ignore the needs around me.
Even if it means crying for people. Crying with people. I think I've cried 3 times in one week...and it has nothing to do with PMS okay (Ben Shyen!). No, nothing to do with BGR or exams....(will cry at higher frequencies if due to these things..haha..j/k!)
I am not a saint/matyr who is oh so holy and perfect either.
I'm just a simple person, with a broken heart. Like Joanne said, " we are broken hearts, crying to God to move in our land."

Really hate to tax my committee people too. Who am I to say "press on" , when my own strength is sapped? And no, I'm not out to kill everyone. I'm practical and not callous to their schedules and lives as well. If anyone of you are reading this, seriously, I really don't want to kill you with CF burdens...but we cannot let oppurtunities slip by! Limp with me, if you can't run, because I'm limping as well...but limping nonetherless, by His strength, for His glory.

I just want to crawl under my blanket and sleep and sleep and not think of anything at all!
Every moment I'm awake there are things to be done, people to call, books to be read, needs that must be addressed, prayers to plead...I can't walk in IMU without having my heart gripped for people I see along the way, and yet aware there's only so much I can do and to just pray.

Of course, I fail a lot of times too. Fail to be sensitive to people's needs. Fail to care. Fail to do follow up on new Christians/people interested in God, until people get colder to things (very very bad, don't ever fail this way). Fail to get to know people better.
At the same time, I'm no pastor as well. And I must PASS everything in IMU too...and yes, I do need time out as well (to find a bf...haha...I AM JUST KIDDING!!! :) )
So human, so helpless, that's why You must intervene and move strongly!

If anyone of you see me tomorrow and I start talking again, it means I've recovered. I'm not going to pretend I'm eager to talk if I'm not, so if I talk again, it means I really am sincere... :)

I know I will be okay, by His strength and grace. And a good night's sleep. :)
If of anything, pray not for me first, but for my family, my friends, my CGs, IMU. Of course, it doesn't mean I don't need prayers! (need tons of it)
At the end the day, if I die, it's just me, doesn't matter much.
But Lord, please answer the prayers for my family, friends, IMU, Malaysia, the world before mine.
My needs are nothing compared to the groans and aches everywhere.
Hear Lord! Hear...

My plea

Lord of reality, make me real
not plastic synthetic
pretend phony
an actor playing out his part, hypocrite.

I don't want to keep a prayer list
but to pray
nor agonize to find Your will
but to obey
what I already know.

To argue the theories of inspiration,
but submit to Your word.

I don't want to explain the difference
between eros and philos and agape,
but to love.

I don't want to sing as if I mean it,
I want to mean it.

I don't want to tell it like it is,
but to be it like what You want it.

I don't want to think another needs me,
but I need him, else I'm not complete.

I don't want to tell others how to do it,
but to do it.
to have to be always right,
but to admit it when I'm wrong.

I don't want to be a census taker,
but an obstetrician
nor an involved person, a professional,
but a friend

I don't want to be insensitive
but to hurt where others hurt
nor to say I know how you feel,
but to say God knows

and I'll try
if you be patient with me
and meanwhile I'll be quiet.

I don't want to scorn the cliches of others
but to mean everything I say
including this.
John Bayly "Psalm of Singlemindedness" 1969

The Ritz

The Ritz...Got butler some more, but of course, kampung people don't know how to use, even uncomfortable to have the bulter do the unpacking or carry bags...

Of course, there are advantages like chocolates before bedtime (Pic) haha.. :) Bubble baths..
Really glad for the company too...
Seldom get such chances where he will come down to KL nowadays, especially since my dad's second doctor resigned 6 months ago (and there's no doctor who wants to take over, cuz no one wants to come to Labuan)
And the advantages of being a doctor is that they'll fly you all the way and give you a nice hotel room just to hear a one hour talk. (yea, it adds up to patients cost, but anyway...haha)

Main reason why he came was also to meet his parents who are down from Aus for holidays. And since my uncle is also attending the talk, it was kind of a family reunion (sponsered by Abbott..haha) Grandparents have only been here for 3 weeks, but they really want to go back because they can't stand the weather. Since living there for 10 years, they are very Australian in many ways (not used to the weather, transport, jams, pollution) but very Chinese/Malaysian in many ways too (bringing power bars all the way from Aus for me...when it's actually cheaper to buy from Carrrefour..) But it's really better for them to be in Australia, where all their daughters are and where life is so much convenient for them.

Dad's coming AGAIN, this Sat...and this time it's Palace of the Golden Horses...
Thankfully, it's the first two weeks of endo...but yea, really want to cherish the time since it's rare that he can take time off, and won't get such oppurtunities when I go overseas next year...
Of course, get to use all the hotel facilities too...and attend some talks (some only because I don't want to go for all, want to enjoy the pool/etc instead..haha)

Lord, thank you for bonuses, things I don't even request for, and yet You provide. You know how much I really treasure time with dad, especially because he's not the talkative type on the phone...Indeed, You provide beyond what I need or even want.

Thoughts

(No need to read. Just something I'm writing to God. Just so happen to be in the blog page and the flow of thoughts just came...and I needed to write it out in black and white to God. Yes, weird but true)

Y do I need to be in CF? (I always ask myself this) What can CF offer that other churches don't? Especially since there have been brushes with other churches that made me, on the side of view of CF a bit unhappy.

Honestly, CF cannot offer ppl a lot of things. There's no pastor. No fixed preaching. Yea, sometimes the things we do may not be spiritual enough for some, or too spiritual for some. CF has been called too boring, too happening, too superficial, too deep. Argh.
CF cannot please everyone. And they have an unfit president too... :)

But yea, why CF? Why invest so much time and effort in?
CF is unique. If there's one thing CF can offer, it's the mix of medical and pharmacy students. There's no other CF in other universities that are only made up of medical and pharmacy students. Which is why I really hope CF can serve the students something different than what churches present.

Missions. I really and truly believe that CF must start to sow the seeds of missions and love for the underprivillaged. These are the critical years of a student's life. Of decisions. Of purpose. Of exposure. Of challenge.
IMU CF must be a sharp sword that penetrates the soul of students that their profession MUST be harnessed for God.

We already have such an amazing oppurtunity to study medicine/pharmacy. And indeed, how much the nation and nations need doctors who can make a difference. You know the potential. But what use is potential that is not realized?

Lord, if of anything, any programs, any activities, please, remind us why we are placed in IMU CF. Our direction. That we are not merely limited to here and now. But beyond. Beyond.
Somehow, despite the impossibility of logitics/planning/logic...please, enable us to go to one mission trip this semester. It may be near or far or great or even lousy, but let us take the step of faith, as IMU CF to go out.

Lord, let not oppurtunities slip from our fingers. Move.

Ugh...

Migrane..
Too busy?

Helpless...

Sigh. Refrain. Surrender.

Father, save me from myself! Take it away now, please. please.
Thank you that even though You are invisble, You are invincible.
Intervene.

Enslaved?

Yea, I suppose to be studying for endo now, but I just must put this down in words before everything corrodes my soul.

In this past month or so, I've seen two very passionate and strong Christians totally and I mean totally say "I'm not a Christian anymore. I'm not with church anymore." They are resolute and firm in turning 180 degrees. It's not like the "normal" cases where people slowly diminish in coming to church or burn out slowly. Both cases have come like an explosion to me, at least.

They were both leaders and really active in their own ministries. Both from different churches, but from churches that are solid and firm. Before I went off, the girl was just telling me how she wants to serve as a nurse in Saudi Arabia to reach people for Jesus. Now, she tells me that every God is the same and that she doesn't believe in Jesus anymore. Huh? In one month, such drastic changes can happen? It's like getting cold water splashed on my face!

I'm lost for words. No, I'm not judging. Rather, these things made me think deeper. They are people who were so sold out for God. What happened? When I was struggling, they were encouragements to be passionate for Him. And now? Who do look too? If such strength fails, and passion dies, what more a struggling, weak person like me?

Truth be told, sometimes I really feel so burdened by "ministry." So tired of caring. (not that I'm great in caring though). So tired of praying for people who turn around and say, I'm sorry I don't want to go to church anymore. So weary of messaging people who by now must be dreading to see my sms on their handphones. So sick of worrying for transport. So tired of talking to people who are not even responsive. So sick of wondering, hey why is she/he not here today? is anything wrong? So exhausted of making sure everyone is doing okay, when I myself am half dead. So so weary of being disappointed in things. Am I disappointed in God? No. Thankfully. But yea, honestly disappointed in certain circumstances though.

Yet I am so thankful to Him for reminding me, loving God is not a burden. Serving Him is not a sacrifice. It's a privillage! Saturday's sermon hit the nail in the head. Am I really enjoying God? Can I honestly say, like Charles Swindoll, "I will do full time ministry even if they don't pay me anything at all, because I enjoy it." From a man who has seen the ups and downs, trials and tribulations of pastoring congregations, it's not spoken lightly.

I don't want to be in "ministry" out of obligation, out of guilt, out of striving to please God. I want to serve because He first served me, and still serves me every day. I want to enjoy every single moment, be it in disappointments, people problems and of course, the miracles and joys too. I want to live in grace and not in law. And then to obey law because of grace.

I'm not super spiritual or whatever. But I know one thing that can kill me, service out of obligation. Lord, teach me to serve with joy even when people do not turn up for CG. Or when people don't come to CF. Or when "Christianity" is such a messy religion. I don't want to be enslaved in being a "Christian." I want to be enslaved by Your love.

I don't want to be serving God merely to enjoy His blessings. Instead, I want to enjoy serving God and say, I am blessed because I can serve You. So that when tears come, and doors slam, I can still enjoy You. Please, teach me! I never want to depart from You.
(P.s. "Christianity" as in the legalistic "Christianity", not the original meaning of Christianity that was coined during the presecution of Christians in the Roman Empire)

Of phones and newspapers...

My dad remarked just now, "So now you have 2 handphones and 1 land line? What kind of business are you running?"

Oops...okay, it sounds very extravagant to have 2 handphones and 1 land line. But it's not because I'm rich or have money to burn. It's just that it's more economical to actually have 3 phones. For myself and those who have to call me. So actually I save more in having 3 lines than one. And save others money too! :) See, I'm considerate..haha.

Now, on newspapers. As much as I dislike admitting this, I think I'm a newspaper addict. Must read newspaper everyday without fail. I think it's a family thing because my 10 year old cousin is reading The Star and craves his paper too. When I went to his house last Thursday, we had 3 copies of The Star. I bought one, my uncle bought one, my grandfather bought one.

Back home in Labuan, when the newspaper arrives, we often have to split it apart into sections because everyone wants to read at the same time. My dad used to subscribe to both The Star and New Straits Times, until they jacked up the price to RM1.80. But we still buy the two newspapers on Sundays. So yea, my family is crazy about newspapers/magazines/books.

I have no problems fasting on food. But the last time I tried fasting newspaper reading, I think I only lasted 3 days out of 1 week. But since the Dream Centre fund has started, I feel that I must give "sacrificially". Something that actually costs me something, maybe not totally in financial terms but in terms of piorities. (It's actually easier for me to skip lunch and save that money than to skip newspapers..weird, weird, weird) So yea, I'm starting my newspaper fasting tomorrow...till the coming Sunday. It's just RM 8.40 in savings but in terms of "sacrifice", it really hits me. Of course no cheating by reading newspapers in library too.
So to those who are reading this, please keep me accountable to my fast.
I really hope I can use the average 30-40 minutes that I spend reading the papers daily to pray for my own family, CG, IMU, Malaysia....

Censored...

You are not authorized to view this page
You might not have permission to view this directory or page using the credentials you supplied.

That's what I got when I tried to view www.limkitsiang.blogspot.com
Could view it the first time, but not on subsequent visits...
Interesting and puzzling too.

Kaki bangku!

Played futsal with CG today. What I knew all along was displayed in front of everyone. I'm hopeless at kicking the ball! Totally kaki bangku. Thankfully, the guys were polite enough to not laugh at my face. Haha. Kicked the ball to the wrong opponent because my angle was off. Kicked the ball so softly that Peter said I didn't eat enough rice. Apologizing too much to people when I got in their way.

But it was really fun. Although most of the time was spent trying to duck from being hit by the football. With eight guys and four girls, the guys were nice enough to not play rough with us girls although there were some minor unintentional mishaps along the way. Yet it really bonded us together. Yea, it was a good experience. Something new. Something different. Something interesting. Something Sarah would never do but had do because the whole CG went.

It also reminded me about my CG experience. Initially didn't really like CG. Felt everyone was so different, especially the Commenwealth, where there are super risk taking business students to computer programming students who are so "canggih" in computer jargon. Engineering students who are so systematic, to a law student who debates on the questions in the study material. And of course, medical students like yours truly who are often the most "unhappening" people around.

But hey, it's really a great mix of people. Bordens my views. Allows me to be more open. Rubs off their creativity to me. Encourage me to be more bold. To be vulnerable and accountable. Brings a new dimension to the way I relate to people and God. Hearing on and on about how Setiawan is the best place in Malaysia (and how "Fu Chau" people are the best). And having the guy from Tanggak disagreeing. People who won't mind driving all the way to PJ/USJ to pick us to church and back. Not forgetting, telling super lame jokes with Jesse about how we are "related." Believe me, the mix of Jesse and Richard plus a bit of Philip= lethal laughing session.

Looking forward to the next retreat! Thank you Lord for CG. The various people. Different personalities. Yet, You who binds us all together.

Perfection

It's getting overused..
But really, I'm not perfect.
Doesn't mean it's an excuse I give to cover my mistakes
Or that I'm not striving to be more like the Perfect one.
Neither does it mean that I don't give my best.
Or cross my arms and be content in imperfection.
But it simply means,
I'm aware of my weakness.
My fallings.
And the realization that I cannot be perfect,
Until and unless I'm made perfect in His sight,
Because of His blood.
So even though I'll be imperfect to the day I die,
At least I'll walk towards perfection,
And learn to be contented in imperfection that slowly
but hopefully steadily diminishes
even as He perfects me.
Imperfect, but willing to be made perfect, in the Perfect One :)

"Jiwangness.."

Papa, teach me not just to anticipate the destination, but to savour the journey!

"The present moment holds infinite riches beyond your wildest dreams, but you will only enjoy them to the extent of your faith and love … To discover God in the smallest and most ordinary things, as well as in the greatest, is to posses a rare and sublime faith." The Sacrament of the Present Moment, author Jean Pierre de Caussade

My dearests...

You know, it does not matter how many lives I touch. You both matter much more to me. Of course sometimes we get cross at each other and argue. I really must apologize when I'm less patient with you both than with others. No doubt, you have seen me at my worst as well.
Yet, I really thank God for you both. In many ways you have shaped and influenced me.

I've walked the path you both are walking now. And my heart bleds for you. For I really don't want you to fall in the holes I've fallen. Or cry the tears I've shed. Or taste the bitter disappointments I've swallowed. I really want to protect you both from the ugliness of it all. Yet, I know I must allow you learn these heart breaking but essential lessons for yourself. And I must learn trust in God who loves you even more than I can ever do, to nuture you, to watch over you, to protect you and to lead you.

I just thought of you when I read this..

I want to teach you something wise, but I am still so foolish.
I want to inspire you to be free, yet I still wear my chains like jewelry.
But hopefully my honesty and vulnerability speaks louder than my false confidence.
I want you to know that fame, fortune and popularity never bring security. That self confidence is only found in knowing that Abba Father truly loves you.
That the only way we are ever secure is in our skin, knowing that our "Daddy" loves us, just as we are, and that makes us OK.

I pray that I'll speak out in love when needed. But more importantly, to learn to be silent to just care and pray. To not judge but share my own struggles, and struggle along with you.

It's not easy. Yet, even as I'm learning it myself, He is worth it.

Sabrina and Serene, maybe it's easier for me to put it in words. But I'm totally not embarrassed to write this out publically (not that anyone reads my blog anyway..haha) because you are worth more than my pride.
I care. And above all, I really pray that you'll stick ever so so close to God. Because this world is just so ugly. Growing up is just so hard. Being His child is not the easiest. Neither is it a breeze to live out your faith, and still be vibrant and beautiful as the girls God has so wonderfully made both of you.
Yes, I know. It's not easy. But I'll be there. More comfortingly, God will be there.

A tale of two paradoxes

IT WAS the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, we had everything before us, we had nothing before us, we were all going direct to Heaven, we were all going direct the other way- in short, the period was so far like the present period, that some of its noisiest authorities insisted on its being received, for good or for evil, in the superlative degree of comparison only.

Everything is going terribly wrong, yet everything is going terribly right, because You intervene.
It is indeed the best and worst of times.
Help us.

Just a sideline..
Some maths I learnt...
difficulty+humanity=maturity+humility

You know..

Hey you!
I've missed you all.
Yea,
it's weird to be back
So early,
so soon.
For "reasons"
that I don't even believe,
I myself would be willing,
to "sacrifice" for.

You know,
I wish you both can come,
and share the rollercoaster journey,
I'm riding with God right now.
There's lots of highs,
Lots of lows too.
Stomach churning moments,
and breath-taking views.
Yet it's all alrite,
because He's next to me.
Always.

Three out of six.
But time is not proportionate,
to where my piorities lie,
Despite the contradiction.
If only everything I'm doing,
is where you all are.

Thank you.
For understanding.
For sharing your lives,
over 012.
In many ways,
I can't be there,
But in many ways,
I'll be there.
I promise.

Thank you.
For praying.
For doing crazy stuff with me.
Thank you,
for love ain't just about receiving,
but giving.

Thank you.
For releasing me.
To be here.
This early.
I miss you both!

Can't!

Please,
I really can't,
You can,
Do something,
Beyond expectations!
You can.
You will.

Through the eyes of a "desperate" girl

I'm back in IMU. And there was a Carnival Sure Heboh TV3 at the stadium. Which I went. Too desperate and free according to Philip. Because such events only attract Malays and not Chinese.
There were more than 10,000 people there, though I could count the number of Chinese people I saw with 2 hands. Booths and stalls selling everything from fishes to sweets to clothes to "ubat mujarab" to books and even television sets. Plus the loud, typical malay rock songs with lots of bass and screaming.





Okay, maybe I really am too free. But I think Ps. Daniel's message on Saturday prompted me to go. When he spoke on praying and claiming territorial ground in every step we take. To see beyond the natural into the supernatural. What better event to go where so many of those we in Malaysia often side-step in evangelism are?

So I even went into the "jejak rasul" exhibition. Read the stories and saw the pictures of Prophet Muhammad s.a.w (wow, my sejarah still works..haha).
There were also displays of the rest of the nabi-nabi including nabi Isa, Jesus.
Lord, may they know the real reason of hope.

Of course, I was not all serious there and throwing salt all around. (DUMC ppl will understand what I mean..haha) Plus, in all the merriment, there's tons of rubbish too.

But I had fun. Spotting children. (okay, maybe I'm desperate to a certain extend) And participated in the "Largest Batik Making banner" (or something like that)
Observing not just people, but their faces, trying to guess their stories. Not just walking, claiming. Not just touching, but feeling the silk of the kebaya. Not just hearing, but listening. Truly Lord, again I ask, may I not look at things with natural eyes and perceptions. But open my eyes to see the chariots of fire. The vision. The hope. The truth. Even in a Carnival Sure Heboh.

Sight

No Cindy, that's not me..haha

Truth, will they know?



Innocence smile



Truly Lord, bless Malaysia. its people. its land. this nation.

Knowing?

As I try and predict
on what I think
I know will happen,
I begin to know
that I don't know
what to predict at all.

Because I know
how much I really don't,
I pray to You,
my All-knowing.

Reveal to me,
what I need to know.

Yet help me to trust,
when I don't know what you know.

And teach me
when I doubt,
to know that You know.

For ultimately
in everything I know and don't,
I know I'm safe
in the arms of You,
who knows.

Be still and know that I am the Lord. Psalm 46:10

I don't know what I'm writting at all. Hahaha