I just don't know

I don't know what to say. Or feel right now.

What they say about the eldest child is probably right. You can't really cry.

My mum has breast cancer. And it's quite bad. We hope to go for emergancy surgery next week.

It's like a bad bad dream, I still feel it's unreal. As if this is not happening to my family.

One day ago, the biggest worry I had was the arrangements I had to make to go to Australia.
Now.

I see my sisters crying and shouting. And my father can't sleep.
I don't know, maybe I'm just blocking everything out.

I can't eat, I don't feel like doing anything now. I just want someone to tell me, hey this is just a dream. I feel like sleeping and not waking up. Suddenly I understand why people would just drive into a wall.

You just feel like escaping all this.

I'm not angry or sad because of the diagnosis.

But I just cannot bear to see my mum go through this.
My mum is the dearest person to me. We talk on the phone everyday.
We laugh over things. Share things. Pray together.

I want to defer my uni but I don't think it's possible.

And for me the tears don't flow. It just escapes. Trinkles a bit.
Just like when I'm typing this. It comes out in small splutters. I can't cry and wail like my sisters. Maybe it's because I must be the strong one now.

I just don't know how I'd get through the next year. At least there's no uni for me right now.

In the midst of this whole craziness, I am so, so thankful I'm not in UK. I would just die if I'm in UK. I'm thankful I have a break before uni starts to bring my mum to KL for her surgery.
I'm thankful that at least I can take care of my sister in Australia next year. And if it's really neccessary for my 2nd sister to go over next year too, I can take care of both of them. This wouldn't have been possible if I elected to go to a UK uni.

But it scares me that once I'm gone, who'd bring my mum for her chemo and her radio? Labuan is small. We have to fly out for this things. If she starts her chemo she might not be able to fly and has to stay in KL for months? My dad cannot close the clinic. My mum talks of bringing the maid over to stay with her...it's just absurd for me. And it's why I might just defer, and if it's not possible, negotiate to go IMU seremban?

Would I always dread the phone ringing?
How am I going to be able to even leave Malaysia with everything like this?

I don't know what to feel right now.
Yet I am still grateful to God that at least, at the very least, that I am free for this 3 months or so, to be in Labuan with my sisters when my parents go to KL for the surgery, and later when my dad comes back, to go over and take care of my mum.

I just can't weep.

You know the kind of feeling you get during OSCEs or OSPEs, when you face a question you really cannot answer and you just feel a deep, dreadful sense of despair...I feel that right now permanently. Unlike an exam this doesn't stop. This doesn't end.

Not fear, but ...... despair.

Yet not despair over death or disease. But despair that the one you love must suffer.

I just cannot

I just cannot see my mum go through mastectomy, chemo, radio...and have her hair fall off. And worry in Australia everyday. Or see my father stay so silent because of worry.
Or let my mum stay in KL with the maid. Or see my sister scream, when her spm is 2 months away.

I rather rather get this disease myself.

I just feel so old so fast.

You know, my mum is the kind who loves to ask me to get married. Haha.
And I always will wave her away when she says that she wants grandchildren. (And I'm only 21!)
And tell her, "if you want me to get married so fast tell God la."
And tease her that I love to be single.

But right now, I would get married immediately and give her grandchildren.
Yea sounds funny but ..

..it isn't funny when you read the odds in the pathology text book.

The percentage numbers that I used to scoff at..and say..luckily I don't need to memorize the survival rates...

become glaring UGLY facts that if the cancer is really not that widespread.....the most optimistic survival rate for this stage is..50%?

And that's the most optimistic hope I can decude right now, because they haven't ressected the lymph nodes to check.

Ugh.

Tell me this is a bad dream.

Tell me this isn't happening.

To my mum.
To the one I love so much, so much that I would die for her now.

I don't know.

But I trust.
Pray along with me.

I don't know how I'm going to get through this. But I'm even more worried for my father, sisters and mother.

I still can't believe this is real. This is not fiction. This is not a dream.

God I really don't know.
I don't know.
But I WILL TRUST because God has always been faithful.

:)

Somehow.