I'm happy!

My mum has been discharged today from hospital; was supposed to be on Monday but the doctor discharged her today. Which is very good news! For all the medic ppl out there, my mum had a mastectomy and axillary lymph node clearance on her left breast.

The final histopatho report on lymph node involvement is not out yet. She would only know the regime of her treatment next Sunday.

But it's just great to talk to her again on the phone, laugh and just to hear her voice again!

And I'm really touched by you all. Especially Cindy, Matt and Matt's mum who went on the day of the operation to pray for my mum. And Eugene and his mum who visited twice in the hospital. I feel especially thankful because I myself can't be there though I would want to be in the hospital, so having my friends go over and visit her is just like a part of me being there.

There are also lots of things to be thankful for. If it's not because of friends in the medical field, my mum won't have been able to get the diagnosis and operation so fast. All the Christian doctors who helped; in calling their friends, in rushing the biopsy results, in squeezing in the surgery...truly it's God's hand in all this. Prof Yip, one of the best breast surgeons and her colleague Prof Chan who did the anesthesia even waived surgical and professional fees.

And of course, for friends who stand in and go the way to pray, to help in many ways be it hearing me cry on the phone (haha, cindy) or open their house (Grace!) or call.

Do continue to pray for my mum's recovery and health. This is going to be a long journey; but a journey with God! And that makes all the difference!

Oh yea, I'd be going over to KL this Wednesday because my father is coming back to Lbn.

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This is our dog, Panadol. Haha, yea his name is Panadol.

Because there's no one to take care of him because my mum's not in, sisters are schooling and I'm going away, I had to give him a really short hair cut today so that it'll be more hygienic.

This is him before the "hair cut"

Look, I'm all fluffy and cute

After:

Lawyer, I need a lawyer! This hair cut is terrible! I'm going to sue Sarah. My dignity has been stripped! Look at the bald spots. And the uneven layering..ugh..I look like a rat now.

It's no wonder that I'm not the dog's favorite person because everytime I'm back in Lbn, I'd be the one snipping all his hair. And seriously it's so hard to cut his hair; takes 3 hours...and the ordeal of him squirming around!

Child-like faith

I guess I'm not so sad now, which is good :) praise God

You know, something good about being at home with my sisters is that I get to talk more with them, without the parents around..haha, more opportunities for scandalous topics heh? haha.

And over dinner yesterday, my sister Serene and I were just talking about our childhood. Serene is the youngest in the family and sometimes the most mischievous, but also the most cute. Sometimes there's a little fiction between us because she always sees me as the disciplinarian while I always see her as the spoilt one. But yea, being her "mum" now, I can't help but also "manja" her as well.

Anyway, somehow we were talking about the time where I was around 8 or 9, and she was around 3 or 4 years old. At time, my sisters loved to eat button mushrooms (we called them english mushrooms to distinguish them from the chinese mushrooms). The only thing they would eat everyday at that time was chicken soup, button mushrooms and rice.

You know mushrooms are hard to digest if taken in large quantities and thus, they sometimes vomited.

So here comes the hero, Sarah....hahahahaha. Drum roll..

I remember sitting them down by the steps of the door in my old rented house. I still remember it was around 5 plus in the afternoon and told them, "Come, I want to tell you a story about a princess." (Yea, we loved the disney cartoons with princesses and always fight on who own the video cassettes of Little Mermaid or Beauty and the Beast or Cinderella..haha)

Here goes the story:

Once there was a very beautiful princess. She lived in a very nice castle and had many toys. She had very long hair (All of us loved long hair then, my sister cried when she went to the hairdresser). But she liked to eat a lot of mushrooms. Everyday she would eat mushrooms. One day she ate so much mushrooms that she had a bad stomach ache. The princess vomited. The princess very sad because her stomah ache very painful. Then the beautiful princess died because she ate too many mushrooms.

And the girls believed me! They cut down dramatically on their mushroom intake and Serene told me, "I believed you so much so that I told my classmate in nursery!"

Serene said she was so convinced, she went to nursery the next day told her friend "My che che said that if you eat a lot of mushrooms, you'll die like the princess."

Poor innocent victims conned by Sarah

In the midst of the reminiscence and laughing, I am reminded about child-like faith.

The full trust my sisters had (notice the past tense..haha) in me, because they thought I was like demi God, the big sister who knew everything under the sun. The belief in every word I said, not because I was that great a story teller, but because they know me as their sister and thus, everything I said about the princess must be true.

In parallel, child like faith in God, because He DOES know everything and He cares! His words are real and not some make up story

(unlike mine, but to my defense, I was just 8 okay? haha, and some mushrooms are poisonous!)

The kind of unadulterated trust that is not swayed by logic, but affirmed because of our loving relationship with our Father. The simple belief that God is our Father and He does love us.

Am learning to rediscover child like faith.

The kind of faith, simple but powerful; where a 3 year old believes that eating too much mushrooms can kill a princess.

*uhm, after verfying the story with my sister, she said that I told her the princess ate a CAKE MADE OUT OF MUSHROOMS. Wahaha. And the other reason I told them the story was to stop us from fighting over the mushrooms*

To God..

Dear Lord,

I don't know much theology. I don't know how to pray. Of all the debates; to pray for miracles or to "let God's will be done." Would be praying for a miracle a demand I make to You? Yet if I pray to just let things be, do I lack faith for the impossible? Where does medicine and science merge with the spiritual? Logic and faith?

Am I just seeking Your blessings and not Your face? Would You heal just because I pray in a certain way? Or withold healing just because I didn't pray in "faith"? Would You heal if I promised You certain things? Or am I just an atm christian, only praying for what I want and not what You want? Yet didn't scripture say Ask and you shall receive?

I am only human. I fear my "faith" prayers for healing lack faith and are riddled with doubts. Yet I fear to pray let your will be done, because I really really love my mum. I cannot bring myself to "surrender" completely because I so fear that Your will is to take her away.

I am really tired. After the drama of yesterday.

Lord, don't forget my feet are made of clay. That I am only dust, my faith is miniscule.

YET, yes, YET

Thank You for reminding me that Your love for my mum in 1 sec is far far far more than I can ever love her in my whole lifetime combined.

So if I want the best for her, so want her to be happy, so love her deeply....
won't You love her and take good care of her too?
won't You want the best for her?

And Lord, it's because of this immeasurable love You have for my mum, that I can rest assured and whisper this frightfully hard words....Let Your will be done.



Help me. Help us.

Please, please pray for the surgery to go smoothly tomorrow.

I really don't know how to pray right now, but I'm praying for complete healing and a normal happy life to be returned to my mum because I trust in God's undeserved grace. Until and unless I hear God telling me otherwise, that'll be my prayer. Join me too. Thanks.

sigh

I'm really tired.

Pray thanks

My mum will have a full body & bone scan tomorrow at SJMC. Pray that there's no metastasis or spread or anything else.

The surgery is scheduled on Wednesday afternoon at UMMC (UM medical centre). Pray that the surgeon would remove all the cancer tissue and there will be no spread. Pray that there will be no surgical or post op complications. Pray too for speedy recovery. And also strength and health for my Dad who'd be in KL to take care of her. She will be in the hospital for 5 days. Pray that she'd be discharged as scheduled on Monday, in good condition and health.

Pray for my sister Sabrina who's having her SPM trials tomorrow (Monday) to next week. Pray that she will be at peace and that God will give her extraordinary wisdom. Pray too for my sister Serene that she will cope with school and life. Pray for me too that I will find a husband and get married soon. (HAHAHAHA Just kidding on that part.) But seriously, pray that I will be at peace and have the strength to do all the household arrangements including maid, bills etc.

She's beautiful isn't she?

This pictures are so precious to me.
The images are blurry cuz sometimes the photographer is tearing up and have shaky hands.

My dear mum, my Mami,

I want you to sit in front seat of my teenager's car when he or she starts driving and floor your foot on the imaginary brake.

I want you to call me and remind me to drink water (Even though I'm 21 she still does that, and when she was in the depature hall, she called my hp and said, drink loads of water ar)...I still want to hear you say that when I'm 40.

I want to call you up and tell you about how crap CNS summative is. And I miss and want you to call me everyday 1-2 hours before my exam to make sure I'm awake (haha, I have waking up to alarm clock prob) and to pray for me.

I want to hear your voice. I want you to remind me to wear lipstick (haha, I'm not really a person who dresses up). I want to tell you how happy I am. How much fun I have in uni or church.

I want you to meet him, whoever he might be.

I want you to see me in the white dress. Take the vow. I want you to hold my first born. I want you to live in my 1st house.

Oh mum, I want you to see me get the scroll and call me doctor!

I want to sit next to you and watch my sisters marry and graduate and hold their kids also.

And I know you will be there in person.

God, help.

Desperate Housewife

My parents left for KL today.

Uhm, I know that I sort of want to be a semi housewife with kids and a house and everything, but, God, it's 10-15 years too fast.

Yes, ppl. Hi. Nice to meet you. I'm Sarah the housewife.
I feel like a 35 year old single mother with 2 kids.

I'm not that hot though ..

Uhm, I can cook *cough* to a certain extend but cook everyday 2 meals? Then there's the cooking for the dogs. Buying groceries. I think we just ran out of milk today. Calling up the vegetable van. Buying fish tomorrow. (ARGH I can't even tell what's a kembong, or siakap or whatever..the different kinds of fish to buy. But I have to buy so that my maid can take the fish over for my mum to eat when my maid flies off on Sunday).

Yea, my maid is going to KL on Sunday.

And now I must find a new maid for the Lbn house.
Oh man. Today I interviewed a maid!!!
Oh man. It's just like doing history taking for the 1st time.

What on earth to ask a maid during an interview???!!!???

And after the interview, I realized I forgot to ask, for starters..."How old are you?" "Are you married?" So stupid man. It's sounds so funny that I feel it's so unreal, I mean, come on, Sarah 21 year old student interviewing a maid?

Then must TEACH her how to cook, how to bath the dogs, to clean the house....it's just like the blind leading the blind because I don't really know how to run this house!

This is better. I must determine how much the maid earns. Oh wow. How much do you pay a maid?????? And right now I don't know if I should hire a part time maid or a full time one. How do you judge the character of a maid? Especially when I leave for KL the whole house would be taken care by her. How can you tell from a 15 minute interview that she's trustworthy?

My mum is very good in this. She's experienced and she knows how to evaluate a maid's capability. Me, ZERO. What if I hire a person that's not good, then..?

I mean, cleaning my own room, buying groceries and cooking for myself in KL is different from running the whole house!

You'd got to make sure the uniforms are ironed and ready, the plants are watered, the 3 dogs have eaten. That I have remember to wake up early to send my sisters and their car pool friend to school and make breakfast. Then there's the sending to tution in the afternoon or night. Planning what to cook for lunch and dinner and making sure the ingredients are bought.

Zipping around sending them to school and tution and to buy grocieries in the Toyota Advanza I feel like a suburban mum driving her SUV. Telling them "Hey you have tution at 7. Eat dinner now."

And you start to think, emm, Do I have to go marketing every 3 days or 5 days also can? What to cook today? Has the phone bill been paid? Must remember to start the engine of the other car which is a 4 wheel drive that I don't even want to drive to town.

My sister was saying, "Yesterday you were a medical student. Today you're a mum."

"Have you drank enough water?" "You better sleep now!" "How's your preperation for exam?" "Are you okay or not?" Yea, I am starting to sound like my mum!

Overnight, the dilemas I'm have is no longer which medical textbook should I bring to Aus or should I do an additional honours year in UNSW (I guess I'm not going to do it now anymore) but........which maid to hire. What vege to buy.

If it wasn't for the seriousness of the situation that has made me take up all of this, this would just be so so funny. But yea, pray that I make the right decision in hiring the right maid. Cuz I have to call the maid up tomorrow to tell her of my decision.

If it's of any consolation to myself..haha, I guess I am going to be a GOOD mother and wife in the future. HAHAHAHA. Sorry yea, I'm a perasaan person. :)

But maybe being bz is good. Takes the mind of things. But yea I know it can be dangerous as well. Which is why when I drive back alone after dropping them off, I talk to myself (oh no crazy alert) that "yea Sarah, as much as you are doing everything remember that you are human too and you have a limit. Don't ever cross that limit."

So dear ppl, if you see me cross the limit or near the limit, do put the breaks on me too. Thanks a lot for all the prayers, calls, smses, emails.

Unreal

My father cried in public today, and I've never ever seen him cry my whole life.

My sister vomitted because of the stress of everything and her upcoming SPM.

My 2nd sister missed called me twice from her tution today, and when I tried to call back, I couldn't get through..I was so panicky that she would do something stupid. Turns out she was just asking about something else.

I feel less emotional stress than when I was undergoing EOS5 and feel peace so much so that I worry that I'm a heartless, selfish person. But maybe God is just giving me extraordinary UNEXPLAINABLE peace. Because this is the worst thing that can ever happen to me. And if I was to breakdown, how? My father said that now I'm the strongest in the family. I pray PLEASE let this unexplainable peace last all the way because the journey will be long.

I can only eat 2 slices of apple, milk and cereal today because everything else makes me nauseous. Oh well, I'd be nice and slim? haha. sorry, I think having a disease is no reason to lose my hard earned sense of *cough* humour.

I'd be writing a lot of blog posts in the coming days. Because I must be in the same room with my sister or else she can't sleep. And even as I stroke her to sleep, I can't sleep when she sleeps. So when the house is quiet at night, you my imaginary audience would get a lot of verbal diarrhoea because I need to write a lot a lot of things so that I can cope.

And please write me long long emails or update your blogs frequently so that I have new things to read at 2 am in the morning. David Yu and Cindy, especially! I don't know how many times I open your blogs and find the same thing. Haha. JK. :) No pressure man.

And pray that I would not crash the car when I get up at 6.30 to send my sisters to school in the morning.

But in the midst of all this, I am extremely grateful.

So dear God, right now, I am thankful for the fact that
1) I don't have classes
2) I got 3 months off
3) The new doctor is helping in the clinic so my dad doesn't have to completely shut down his clinic or rush back to KL
4) I have great great friends. Thanks a lot guys.
5) THE GIFT of salvation! Oh, how much I appreciate it. How much the sting and fear of death is taken away because of Your death on the cross. How much HOPE there is because you came to die for me, for my mother, for us, that there's NO FEAR of eternity.
6) If of anything, God has blessed me with the most wonderful godly mum for my 21 years of life. And that we have such a close relationship. That I did talk to her everyday on the phone. That there's nothing I regret. Except not getting married fast enough or all the bgr talk things.haha.
7) That my mum is a Christian and believes in God!
8) God is a good God. Period.

If my grammar has gone haywire and my spelling is wrong, forgive me my imaginary audience.
I just need to write and write.

God. This is bad. But it could be worst. So I thank you for the bad. And look forward to the good.

I just don't know

I don't know what to say. Or feel right now.

What they say about the eldest child is probably right. You can't really cry.

My mum has breast cancer. And it's quite bad. We hope to go for emergancy surgery next week.

It's like a bad bad dream, I still feel it's unreal. As if this is not happening to my family.

One day ago, the biggest worry I had was the arrangements I had to make to go to Australia.
Now.

I see my sisters crying and shouting. And my father can't sleep.
I don't know, maybe I'm just blocking everything out.

I can't eat, I don't feel like doing anything now. I just want someone to tell me, hey this is just a dream. I feel like sleeping and not waking up. Suddenly I understand why people would just drive into a wall.

You just feel like escaping all this.

I'm not angry or sad because of the diagnosis.

But I just cannot bear to see my mum go through this.
My mum is the dearest person to me. We talk on the phone everyday.
We laugh over things. Share things. Pray together.

I want to defer my uni but I don't think it's possible.

And for me the tears don't flow. It just escapes. Trinkles a bit.
Just like when I'm typing this. It comes out in small splutters. I can't cry and wail like my sisters. Maybe it's because I must be the strong one now.

I just don't know how I'd get through the next year. At least there's no uni for me right now.

In the midst of this whole craziness, I am so, so thankful I'm not in UK. I would just die if I'm in UK. I'm thankful I have a break before uni starts to bring my mum to KL for her surgery.
I'm thankful that at least I can take care of my sister in Australia next year. And if it's really neccessary for my 2nd sister to go over next year too, I can take care of both of them. This wouldn't have been possible if I elected to go to a UK uni.

But it scares me that once I'm gone, who'd bring my mum for her chemo and her radio? Labuan is small. We have to fly out for this things. If she starts her chemo she might not be able to fly and has to stay in KL for months? My dad cannot close the clinic. My mum talks of bringing the maid over to stay with her...it's just absurd for me. And it's why I might just defer, and if it's not possible, negotiate to go IMU seremban?

Would I always dread the phone ringing?
How am I going to be able to even leave Malaysia with everything like this?

I don't know what to feel right now.
Yet I am still grateful to God that at least, at the very least, that I am free for this 3 months or so, to be in Labuan with my sisters when my parents go to KL for the surgery, and later when my dad comes back, to go over and take care of my mum.

I just can't weep.

You know the kind of feeling you get during OSCEs or OSPEs, when you face a question you really cannot answer and you just feel a deep, dreadful sense of despair...I feel that right now permanently. Unlike an exam this doesn't stop. This doesn't end.

Not fear, but ...... despair.

Yet not despair over death or disease. But despair that the one you love must suffer.

I just cannot

I just cannot see my mum go through mastectomy, chemo, radio...and have her hair fall off. And worry in Australia everyday. Or see my father stay so silent because of worry.
Or let my mum stay in KL with the maid. Or see my sister scream, when her spm is 2 months away.

I rather rather get this disease myself.

I just feel so old so fast.

You know, my mum is the kind who loves to ask me to get married. Haha.
And I always will wave her away when she says that she wants grandchildren. (And I'm only 21!)
And tell her, "if you want me to get married so fast tell God la."
And tease her that I love to be single.

But right now, I would get married immediately and give her grandchildren.
Yea sounds funny but ..

..it isn't funny when you read the odds in the pathology text book.

The percentage numbers that I used to scoff at..and say..luckily I don't need to memorize the survival rates...

become glaring UGLY facts that if the cancer is really not that widespread.....the most optimistic survival rate for this stage is..50%?

And that's the most optimistic hope I can decude right now, because they haven't ressected the lymph nodes to check.

Ugh.

Tell me this is a bad dream.

Tell me this isn't happening.

To my mum.
To the one I love so much, so much that I would die for her now.

I don't know.

But I trust.
Pray along with me.

I don't know how I'm going to get through this. But I'm even more worried for my father, sisters and mother.

I still can't believe this is real. This is not fiction. This is not a dream.

God I really don't know.
I don't know.
But I WILL TRUST because God has always been faithful.

:)

Somehow.

Sigh...........

There's bad news.
Quite bad.

I still hope it's not going to be that bad.

I'll tell you all once the news is confirmed.
Pray for me. Thanks.

God, I pray that this storm shall soon pass too. And I will try not to question or be angry.
God will make a way where there seems to be no way.

When there's hope, there's life.

Stories

50+ year old tau keh comes into the consultation room complaining of vomiting and diarrhoea for one day. After taking a brief history, doctor instructs patient to lie on the bed for examination.

Patient lies on the bed, and just as doctor comes near to patient to palpate the abdomen..

..patient bolts right up abruptly and warns seriously "Mai pak chiam ar.." (translation from hokkien: No injection ar..)

...and you just have to bite your lip to stop giggling out loud.

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Mother and father in the room with 16 year old daughter who's got a boil on her sole. The boil needs to be cut open to drain out the fluids.

"Honey are you sure you can take it seeing this?" the mother asks her husband while gripping her daughter's hand.

"You can wait outside if you can't tahan," she adds.

The moment she finishes talking, a soft thump is heard. 10 minutes later the mother wakes up and asks "What am I doing on the floor?"

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An 80 year old man comes in with a wheelchair, his left knee swollen.

"Ini gout. Saya mesti keluarkan air dari lutut kamu," the doctor says.

"Ya tuan," the old man smiles.

The old man is positioned on the bed, and then talks to the doctor.

"Tuan, jangan takut jarum saya ya."
"Tidak apa punya. Kamu tidak payah takut. Jarum saja."

As the needle goes in.

"Tuan, tidak payah takut. Saya tahan sakit," the old man says again even as the needle pokes him.
(Well, normally, it's the doctor that reassures the patient, and not the patient reassuring the doctor to poke further.)
And when the procedure is done, this patient Malay man who's had multiple hospitalizations and medical complications thanks the profusely.

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And in the span of 2 hours, you see mothers with toddlers; some crying their lungs out, some placidly cooing away, a patient daughter in law waiting for her mother in law, patients who spill out their life stories on the consultation table, patients who calm up like shells on their smoking habits, mothers worrying over fevers, a husband placating his wife who's got a cut in her arm and cries at the sight of needles. Grandmothers talking in Cantonese, Malay tudung ladies who greet the doctor with Assalammulaikum. Laborers, executives, cooks, sailors, bankers. Families. Children who cry at the sight of the doctor. A man with psoriasis who looks at the doctor hopeful for a cure.

A potpourri of humanity; at its weakest yet at its strongest.

So amazing!

and i remember the times where i wanted to be a writer to narrate the quirky, delightful, beautiful stories of souls (okla, my grammar is terrible and i massacre the english language so i guess that's out)...but being a doctor takes it one step deeper; it privileges you to live and be part of the quirky, delightful beautiful lives of souls.

Angles

The jarring ring of the phone wakes her up at 3.05 am.
"It can only be...." she thinks.
Fear slowly creeps as she hears the words.
"Madam, I regret to inform you that your husband serving in..............."
The words are drowned by her sobs.
She's a widow with two children at 27.

The buzzing of planes throws the whole village in screams.
"Run! Run!"
Orange bursts of light and a huge sound drowns out the cries.
He runs into his burning hut.
His 7 year old child is dead.
"That infidel country!" he shouts with rage.

He turns on his TV after a call from his frantic wife.
"No it can't be!" he sighs clutching his head.
"Please, Jason, pick up the phone. Please. Please," as he dials his son's mobile number repeatedly.

"God is great!" he shouts with enthusiasm.
Finally, he's discovered his true calling in life!
He's ecstatic with joy.
"Yes, it may require me to pay a high price. But I didn't have much of a life to start of with," he muses as he thought about his cramped one-roomed house in the slums of his country where the rich swim in oil money while the poor barely eke out a living.
He smiled as he thought of the promise of young virgins in heaven to greet him.
It was far better than crying children and smelly rubbish in his cramped neighbourhood.

"We know what you are doing here. Get out or we will kill you." the words were printed in red to emphasize the anger.
"Oh Lord, You know the only reason I'm here is to love them. It's hard to forgive when they want to kill me, " she prayers.
The aid worker then dabbs her tears, and washes her face.
She must go on, the orphans are waiting for their lunch.

No more tears run from her eyes.
This is the 3rd child she's buried since her country was "liberated"
True, she doesn't need to cover her face anymore. But is it worth it to pay that price with the increasing lawlessness in her city? She looks at the poppy fields with the flowers turning pink, "The promised government hasn't brought much change to her family," she shruged.
Has her country ever known peace?

The ringing bells and hot fumes wake him up from his sleep.
He can still remember the images of people jumping from the building.
He reaches out for his tin flask, and the alcohol numbs the pain.
He lost 5 of his best men there.
"I should have been there. They were my men, my responsibility." he sighs.

The boy hears with wide eyed wonder as his uncle describes his father.
"Your father was a warrior. He died for his people. He died to set us free," the uncle says.
The 9 year old boy swells with pride as he clutched the only photo of his father, the one where he smiled as he brandished his gun.
All he ever heard in his village was about his father's heroism. All he learnt since the day he was born was about his people's fight against the enemy state.
"When I grow up, I want to be like him! I want to fight the enemy state! I want to die for this cause" the boy vows in his heart even when he's too young to grapple with the enormity of the cause.

"That man was your father's murderer," she says to her son with venom dripping out of her mouth.
He nods. He remembers the day when he was walking to the grocery shop with his father when suddenly a suicide bomber ripped open his shirt and triggered the bomb. He was luckily to live, but not without losing his hearing from the impact of the blast.
His mother cried for 3 months. His 5 year old sister still asks when would Dad come back. He missed the times where Dad would play ball with him.
"I want to be a soldier to stop these people. These terrorists!" he promised himself.

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Angles.

The view is always different from the angle from which you look from.
The whole world is red when viewed through a red coloured prism.
Like wise, the whole world is cloudy when viewed through a dirty window.

Of course I don't support the cause of terrorism.
It's easier to point the blame without rooting out the cause.

Maybe it's not the time to take sides, but to sideline the differences.

May those who lost their lives be remembered today.

Disclaimer. Again..my apologies if there's any inaccuracies or if it's deemed offensive especially to victims' families. This does not refer to any real life people. It's also delibrate that no countries or specific names are mentioned.
After all, what do I know about politics anyway? and it's not as if I'm contributing my part in this any way whatsoever, nor risking my life in the front lines. I'm just a lazy med student who likes to comment too much hey? haha :)