It's times like this..

...when the 75 year old man you're clerking while trying to understand what he's saying in his thick Polish accent, all of a sudden pauses mid sentence and chokes up..and cries, and cries....




grace.

Whoosh

I don't know if it's this particular rotation or it'll be the same for the rest of the year but things are really busy! Especially in Vinnies (yea, the aussies love to give nick names).

On average, I leave home at 715 and come back at 630! And still find that I don't have enough time to clerk patients or schedule other tasks we need to do. Lina and I were contemplating of coming back on Sat just to fit in some things. Things are a bit more laid back at Prince of Wales hospital though, I often leave before my housemate even wakes up and come back to find my housemate playing his games online...

But Oncology rotation has really been good. I've learnt a lot more, especially human-wise (does such a word exist?! haha). And be challenged to verbalize Jesus.

Even though I often say that I want to be a doctor who uses her occupation as a means to share the gospel, I'm often too cowardly or too polite to really talk about Jesus; so I end up being very courteous and try to be caring....which is not wrong but at the end of the day, the patient just thinks I'm a nice medical student..and that's about all.

Yet because of how my family has been affected and all, I am little bit bolder now.
Because I think there's nothing to lose

I won't say I'm that great in sharing about God..haha..still very awkward and stiff. And sometimes too busy to really talk to the patients about how they are feeling.

My patient was discharged yesterday for palliative care at home. He has been really helpful to me to allow me to ask him endless questions and examine him even though he's terminally ill. Wanted to see him just before he got discharged and pray for him..but he was already discharged by the time I got there. Too bad I thought; walked down to go home.....and low and behold, he and his wife were at the reception area walking to go to their car!


Anyway, all I did was to pray for his wife. In the parking lot. Don't even know what to pray for without sounding insensitive. Don't know what diff it makes. But it's a big improvement for a coward like me. ;)

Look at my chilli plant! Won't need to buy chillis if this succeeds. I hope it doesn't die on me though...always forget to water it when I get home late.

Ah..yes..

Finally get to put some pics!

Walking the Harbour Bridge on the 75th Anniversary of the coat hanger (yea, that's what they call it here)

Weekend away with unichurch at Gerringong..Awesome beach. Quite cool bible study: we did a study on Leviticus. Yea, I know...Leviticus?!? But really learnt lots about the significance of all the mold, lambs and unclean this & that...I guess not a book that should be brushed off after all.

My favourite pic of the bridge

Melbourne!

We were doing an amazing race round the city...that accounts for the funny dress up which was part of the task in 1 of the pics. Really good idea by the Focus church; we had pit stops at the landmarks in Sydney & at 1 point had to sing Amazing grace while walking down Darling Harbour.

oh great

i'm sitting in the computer room now in Uni and trying hard to stop my eyes from running...
really embarrasing actually..


sigh i just don't know why must I be still stuck with the same old same old.
even when i've totally given up already..



better leave now before it starts flooding

Give me my internet

3 weeks ago we had to wait for internet to be connected.

Then the internet got connected but my computer decided to die on me.
And even after 2 visits by the techicians & endless phone calls and 2 weeks of waiting, my com is still not fixed.

Which would be ok, because no one dies of internet deprivation...except that UNSW has this really high tech system where all the lecture notes, class timetables, case tutorial readups and more importantly clinical school teaching sessions (which may change everyday) are all online...



anyway, guess what block I'm starting on; of all the things to start with..!
Agings and endings (which is the term they use here for pallitative, cancer and aged care)

somehow....my face gets a little hot when breast Ca is mentioned in lectures. And wow great, Ca breast is the among the most common and thus most oft mentioned ca.

There's no escaping it I guess.

but it's still good. still good. by grace.

Busted

Cuz it was such a short trip after all, I didn't bother telling anyone that I won't be home..
plus everyone so far has been assuming that I live with a girl


..so on monday my grandmother came to my flat to find 1 guy there.
on a weekday no less!

must be thinking I cut class a lot. (I really did have 2 days off! haha)

I hope she won't pop by this weekend cuz I'm going away again..

Maybe

..I deserve better.

Weird

Just a glimpse of how different medicine in UNSW is run......






...........I DON'T have written exams ANYMORE. Zero SAQs, MCQs, essays. (not a single paper all the way up to graduation!). IMU Sem5 is now officially my last written exam till I get called a doctor.


emm..I don't know if that's good or bad, cuz everything will be tested in VIVAs & OSCEs!!

haha, better get used to working under pressure I guess.

New flat, new place

There's something worst than being a IMU student joining the current students in the middle......
.......it's being a 1st batch IMU student!

"Oh so you are doing med...in 1st year? No? In 4th year? Are you sure?"
"Huh? You're transferring into 4th year? Can you do that?" (with disbelieving looks)
"Has UNSW accepted you?"
"I've never heard that that's possible!"

Nobody knows about IMU, and think that we're random ppl suddenly applying to join UNSW. *_*

but nvm, it's all good. After all the drama of being in a life or death situation, I guess one good thing I've learnt is to not complain so much about anything else.


Anyway the big agenda now is to find a church...please pray that I can find a suitable church! Been to 3 churches now, & I feel that churches here are at either extremes...nothing wrong with that, but am looking for something in between.

There's something special about to be delivered to my flat! ;)

And am going for a really crazy "I will never do it if it was not for someone" trip!

Just a few random pics.

From left:
1) Alan's 21st
2) CNY Reunion food
3) All the girl cousins
4) Fusion CNY Dinner; 1 glass is enough, thank you..haha, not a bubbly fan
5) Relatives
6) Again
7) Dim Sum with grandparents
8) "O" (Orientation week) It's like a big carnival here! Lots of free stuff & music & games
9) Jason at uni. Meeting up with IMU students all the way here


Oops that's all for now. Am fighting the temptation to leech off ppl's wireless!
Won't get internet till a few weeks time!

So...

Just got news on where I'd be posted for a whole year...St Vincent's which is a 10 min bus ride away. It's right in the city near the "gay and funky" area where the Mardi Gras is held (that's what they tell me). Apparently quite a strict hospital.

not really what I had in mind, as I wanted Prince of Wales because it's on campus so that I could attend campus bible study. And I'd be there with just 1 other IMU person. Whereas at POW there would be 3 of us.
but I guess it's ok. :) Just hoping that my 2 lecture days would fall on the days where campus meetings take place.

One thing I miss

Apart from the usual settling down experience, which is quite mild for me (all thanks to God for placing me in UNSW with lots of relatives) there's something I'm starting to miss....
...which is talking with the Malaysian slang.


the slang here has a low tone (in my option at least) as oppose to the more straightforward (prob due to the bahasa baku influenced) "say it as it is spelled" Malaysian english pronounciation.

And causes a dilema; to talk the normal Malaysian way....and sometimes get asked to repeat because they can't get what I'm saying, or to modify (nicer word for fake..haha) an Oz accent.

Sure miss the lahs & crazy unselfconscious chats.

Horrendous into Nice

So, right on the night towards leaving, my mum had a fever of 40C.
Even as I waited for the car to pick me up at 3.30am in the morning, I was half hoping that the car will come late...so I'd have an excuse to cancel my flight.



But now, I'm finally here.
And..it feels really good to start anew in such a beautiful place. :)
The weather's just nice.

Oh yes, what's a post without some humour heh?
I arrived at around 6+ and as my aunt was driving past some shops...I was really surprised to see so many abandoned shops...all dark and boarded up...was thinking to myseld; since when did Sydney become so run down?..


silly me forgot that ALL shops close at 5.

Yea, welcome to Oz.

The monster within

It's just 1 night away from leaving and yet, I still manage to mess things up.
Funny how when I think I can do this; that I can survive alone, "trust" God about my mum, forge ahead in totally unknown territory, and when I feel that I am finally ready to stand tall again.....it all crumbles with a minor disruption.

I used to think I was quite brave..haha, eating spiders. Simply going down to Chow Kit. Unafraid to take the most "painful" choices. Dare to try and convince people to be real, to not have synthetic smiles. (I must be choking on my own words now!)

But that was just baby stuff.
This is the real deal......

Somehow the person I thought I was or rather wished I was is just a fragment of my imagination. How the real test of things have exposed the monster within.
A temper I never knew I had, a mask I thought I never needed to put on. How skepticism now creeps in certain areas. Exposed & confronted with the reality that I actually can't cope well under very stressful circumstances.

A shadow of who I thought I was.


But this is not the person I want to remain as.

So even as I type this, totally embarrassed at my own failings...I still want to write about this because the greater the failure, the greater the grace.
And while I might not be able to be as strong as I would like to be, I can still be to be honest & real so that's a choice I'd like to keep. ;)




what a weird farewell post.
^_^


haha.


c yea!

The time has come

for..

cue suspense music...


Yea yea yea, it's time to *ahem* like what Soon Guan says, camwhore!


Since I think I'd be internetless for 3 weeks soon...I must post these pictures of my really awesome CG. ;)

One with the guys

And the "lame" juniors. Proof of lameness can be found at Crz & Troy's blogs.

Eg:

what disease makes u laugh??
ans : Hep P (copyright, Crz 2007)

yes, it's cool to be lame in IMU.

Yea Soon Guan, just like what the lady said "You'd regret your cheesy post 2 years later."

Ah, the girls!

It's true that I didn't get to know a lot of you better.
Would have loved to hear MORE crapping by M1/06s. Haha

But seriously, to have deeper heart to heart conversations. To help each other through various life turmoils. Have been too overwhelmed by my own and for this, I apologize!

Thanks guys, for bringing variety in my otherwise boring med school life. Haha.
The engineers, the pharmacists, the computer IT specialists, bio specialists, the business tycoons, the mass com cum law trained, the lame doctors.. C yea soon.

The trip that wasn't

it promised to be a trip with lots of pictures, lots of good food (or so I've heard from the ever patriotic homebred), lots of great company (lame juniors & eating sprees). The last retreat I'd get to join & of all places; we are going...to Sitiawan




it's not that I'm really desperate to go there or anything.
but how ironic/frustrating it is when 1 hour before I'm to leave....yet again, I can't go because of complications.


just 2 days of escapism..from the crushing burden and pain. Yea, sounds so dramatic, "crushing burden and pain" yet it's true. So many complications & extra hospital visits I don't even bother to tell anyone about anymore. Too many to mention. Too painful to recall.




reading & talking to other ppl makes me wish, if only trying to keep the weight limit of 30kgs were the biggest problem that kept me awake, or if exams were the worst thing that could ever happen to my life. How I wish I could rant about uni schedules or the weather. Because I would gladly trade places for their worst problems.
(of course, I know there are others with even worst problems than mine and would probably be rolling their eyes at what I'm writing now)






Life is painful.



The more you win in love, the more you stand to lose.

Joy shared is doubled

In all honesty, when the name flashed on my mobile a mixture of hope & cautiousness descended.

Because I can't imagine being at the other end, and the results this time would determine a lot. No more tries after this.



But twice, it was good news.




I know both will be good doctors to be.
And even better followers of Christ.

Am ecstatic for them both.
(& I know the next time I'd be feeling this is when CSAW *yes got it right this time* calls me) ;)




Hearing their relieved voices, I guess perhaps all the whys fade away when the final reward is granted..

While this is not my time...

Sigh, I really wish I can go but I just can't right now.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

From the email:
I have spoken with Rev Timothy regarding how many teams they can host for this coming weekend.

His feedback is 3 teams of 10 people each. These 30 people need to be able-bodied and be able to lift things and do work, as there will be clean-up work as well as distribution of provisions / assistance at relief centres involved. After this weekend, they'd be able to gauge the manpower and provisions needs for the next few weekends.

All 3 teams will have to set off from PJ at around 5:30 am Saturday morning, as it takes about 4 hrs to get to Skudai. They will have to bring sleeping bags with them, and will be housed by JB Wesley Methodist Members or at the church itself. Please be prepared to be flexible and accommodating.

The 3 teams will also need to bring provisions, the special supplies which they have requested. Pr Daniel's instructions are that they can purchase the supplies first and claim from the DUMC Emergency Relief Fund when they return. (need to claim with receipts) He suggested that each team buys about RM2 -3 K worth first for this trip. After this trip the teams will be able to tell how much more is needed.

Team One
From Skudai, one team will work with Pr Thomas Fang (Emmanuel Assembly of God) to do clean up work, and to visit flood relief centres to help. They are helping with Kampung Laut, Skudai, which was the village featured on TV3 on the 8 pm news last night. That village was devastated by the recent floods.

Team Two and Three
Two teams will go to Kota Tinggi where the recent floods was up to 17 feet high. (almost cover the 2 storey shop houses also). The clean up work here will be heavy work. Teams need to be prepared to do work.

Mr Lee of Segamat Wesley is coming back to me with more specific information on the 7 welfare homes.

Used Clothing: Each pack (for an average family of parents with 3 children) to include

• 2 sets of Men's clothing - include t-shirt and trousers
  
• 2 sets of Women's clothing - include blouses / t-shirt or trousers / skirts / dresses / baju kurung
  
• 6 sets of Children's clothing (various sizes)
  

PJN1 - 15
PJN2 - 15
PJN3 - 15
PJN4 - 15
PJS1 - 15
PJS2 - 15
KL - 10

Please bring the packs to DSP this weekend where transport will be arranged to send them to JB. If the teams going can bring their own packs of clothing, please let me know how many packs they've brought for coordination purposes. Thanks.

Can I ask if any zones can commit to go this weekend? Pls confirm.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

I know my readership is so insignificant that I don't think this makes any diff at all, but to those who can go, do go!

It's times like this I actually wish I'm back in IMU cuz wow, the cf could go together & even get sponsorship money from IMU...!

Just for fun

A certain Miss Someone's hotel house. With fountains and dance/gym rooms!
and there's like...a Japanese dining area, a formal dining area, a breakfast dining area...

and this is just 1/100 of the whole mansion.



Haha, see I've posted something.

And so...

...was supposed to be in KLIA by now to catch the 6am flight to down under











...but things change


In a way, it's good.

Some things...

Newspaper wrapped, lined with transparent plastic tau pau of steaming hot “pak kut wong” (pork ribs)
As a “siew yeh” (supper)

A man, dressed in the white thin singlet and black shorts; coming back at night, asking his children “lei sek” (come and eat) as the small kids hurriedly unfold the wooden brown chairs and crowd round him.

He unfolds the precious bounty. Their eyes light up.

“Lou po, lei sek” he calls out excitedly.

The mother comes out .

She lunges at him and hits him with tears streaming down her face.
“I told you to stop gambling. Why are you gambling again? Why? Why?”

(Obviously I don’t know how to type the rest in Romanized Cantonese without massacring the correct pronunciation)

He shields his arms to soften the blows.

“I didn’t gamble. I promise.” He shouts above the din.

“How did you get the money to buy this? Don’t lie” she shrieks, heartbroken.

“I sold my blood.”


.....


I no longer remember what movie this scene was from. Must have been one of those Cantonese dramas screened over TV2 (ha, so old).

But this scene is still vivid in the head.

So is the memory watching the next table in a hot crowded coffee shop; the middle aged father picking up a piece of chicken with his chopsticks from his plate and placing it at his teenage son’s.

Or the childhood memories of carefully wrapping candy from a party in tissue paper; to be shared with sisters later back home.

How grandmothers or grandfathers who aren’t “western” enough to say “I love you” but lug packets and packets of food whenever they visit.