The monster within

It's just 1 night away from leaving and yet, I still manage to mess things up.
Funny how when I think I can do this; that I can survive alone, "trust" God about my mum, forge ahead in totally unknown territory, and when I feel that I am finally ready to stand tall again.....it all crumbles with a minor disruption.

I used to think I was quite brave..haha, eating spiders. Simply going down to Chow Kit. Unafraid to take the most "painful" choices. Dare to try and convince people to be real, to not have synthetic smiles. (I must be choking on my own words now!)

But that was just baby stuff.
This is the real deal......

Somehow the person I thought I was or rather wished I was is just a fragment of my imagination. How the real test of things have exposed the monster within.
A temper I never knew I had, a mask I thought I never needed to put on. How skepticism now creeps in certain areas. Exposed & confronted with the reality that I actually can't cope well under very stressful circumstances.

A shadow of who I thought I was.


But this is not the person I want to remain as.

So even as I type this, totally embarrassed at my own failings...I still want to write about this because the greater the failure, the greater the grace.
And while I might not be able to be as strong as I would like to be, I can still be to be honest & real so that's a choice I'd like to keep. ;)




what a weird farewell post.
^_^


haha.


c yea!