A different atmosphere

Walking in the humid heat with the whizz of motorcycles past IMU brings back waves of nostalgia.
I can't believe it has been six years since I started in medical school; getting a huge culture shock with orientation, staying in an isolated place called Vista Komanwel. It's almost ironic that I am now back in Vista again but oh how I have come to love this place.

Having no car means we take public transport everywhere. Taking the bus means sharing the journey with people of all ages and races; the elderly back from their shopping in the wet market, the young school children, the labourers from different countries. All enduring the long waits for the unreliable bus schedules. Doing what they do brings me back to touch with my less well off fellow countrymen. It stirs back the long dried up passion for the disenfranchised. Reminds me of my relative wealth where my one airticket can feed a family of six for a month.

Back home, flipping through my church magazine sends a slight jolt to the system. DUMC is celebrating it's 30th! It certainly doesn't feel like 5 years since the big celebration for its 25th anniversary. And we weren't even in the new building then, and I must confess the dream centre still doesn't quite feel the same as the old converted cinema. But what warms me is the work that's been going on. Somehow in the country without Centrelink and welfare, every little effort counts for so much more. That the church is not just a suburban gathering of routine religiosity but where there's free tuition for the local children, where there is a center for the disabled, where church members go to the refugee camps. I am sure there are similar events in Sydney plus the fact I am totally biased but I feel so much more alive spiritually here.

Even the mood to blog has returned haha because maybe I notice more at home.
It almost begets the question "what am I doing working in Sydney" then...
I honestly don't know. Most times it feels like I am just going with the flow of the logical next step. Maybe I have regressed so much in my walk too that I am no longer sensitive to His voice...

But for now, I am home.

I don't know where I am going but...

(Verse 1)
All that I am, all that I have
I lay them down before you, oh Lord
All my regrets, all my acclaims
The joy and the pain, I'm making them yours

(Verse 2)
Things in the past, things yet unseen
Wishes and dreams that are yet to come true
All of my heart, alll of my praise
My heart and my hands are lifted to you

(Chorus)
Lord, I offer my life to you
Everything I've been through
Use it for your glory
Lord I offer my days to you
Lifting my praise to you
As a pleasing sacrifice
Lord I offer you my life

(Bridge)
What can we give
That you have not given?
And what do we have
That is not already yours?
All we possess
Are these lives we're living
That's what we give to you, Lord

Bits and pieces

It's been a long time since the last update...
But first things first, there's been a revolution in blogging at EMO blog . So much wisdom and observations from the Kelantan tree staying junior. Haha! :)

And it's been great to not have exams! No more studying at night (not that I studied every night but just the fact that I don't need to feel guilty when I don't study at night)

The yearly appearance of my favourite tree/flower
Cakes from Adriano Zumbo

Skivving of hospital to Bondi for Scuplture by the Sea! haha

Seafood platter!

And we went for a roadtrip to Port Stephens and Hunter Valley...
Pretending to be cool shot

A role reversal
Sand dunes next to the beach...where we sand boarded...was initially scared to sand board down because of the height

And maybe it's not the best book to quote from but maybe there's some truth to it.....

"Our fight was not the violent, howling, barking fight that keeps alive vestiges of love but that tired, distant silent fight where the fighters are afraid to punch for the fear the punch will kill" The House of God (The recommended "must read" book among the UNSW med students) by Samuel Shem.

After 6 years...

It's over! :)

And just some pictures over the year from various IMU birthday dinners

To look in

Exams are finally over..barring resits and the like.

While the outings, eats and shows are great, it's been a time to take stock of the inner heart.
And I admit, it's so far away, so lukewarm.
Where is the passion, where is the vision?

I don't even care that I don't care anymore.



A few years ago, I was so broken because of circumstances.
Today, I am less naive but more cynical.
Tougher but cold hearted.
Happy-ish but joyful?

Anguished?
For the heart of God?

There must me more than this...

I've been disappointed to many times to hope anymore...
...but there must me more to life than this life I am living now

Euthymic with a touch of dysthymia

Anyway since I am euthymic with a touch of dysthymia in addition to a concentration of zero, I am doing random things. Like baking even though I don't really want to eat, eating even though I am not really hungry, bugging my sister on the phone and watching DVDs while having the book open.

Which makes it a delight to find Doc Martin DVDs in the library. I won't say it's the most exciting TV show compared to CSI, House etc but it's great for a touch of dry humour and mayb reflects my own anti-social personality. And with a touch of medically related information that who knows....might be somehow useful in the exams (or so I tell myself)




I am bored!

And another thing...

The up coming exams are driving me a little mad.
It feels unsettling to be going out, yet it feels restrictive and nausating to be staying home all day. So I often feel unsettled when I am out, vowing to stay in the next day, only to feel terribly unproductive and bored!

In such times I just wish I am a little more extroverted, because my introvertness means I stop talking even more esp in hospitals, with friends. Conversation on my part is always a conscious effort and in times of stress, the real natural self takes over.

More permanacy (or just an excuse to spend money)

I did not have a weighing scale for baking before this. While it did cross my mind to buy one, I always hesistated because at the back of my head was the thought that I did not know if I'll move or stay in Australia. So all this while, I survived by finding receipes that use gave the quantity in cups instead of weight. Sometimes that meant trawlling the web for suitable ones, especially because many cake receipes are in grams etc. And with the butter, I often bought 1 block (250g), and fractionated it to roughly guess the weight. Perhaps that's why my baked goods were never super, haha (just an excuse)

So with the results that I will go to Bankstown Hospital next year (provided I do not fail my exams), I set out to finally buy a weighing scale and a proper muffin tray.


This supposed to be an egg tart, not terribly successful. Haha

Windows..

From Victor's facebook which was taken from this website http://www.fiona.my/2007/12/chinese-their-houses-have-no-windows.html

---
THE CHINESE, THEIR HOUSES HAVE NO WINDOWS

I looked out the window.
And I saw

Thousands and thousands of Malays in the Bersih Rally. They were fighting their own kind for a cause they believed in. And they risk being ostracized by their Muslim brothers. And they risk much.

I looked out the window.
And I saw

Thousands and thousands of Indians holding the picture of Gandhi in the streets. All were teargassed and many beaten with batons. At Batu Caves, they were locked in, pumped with tear gas and sprayed with chemical water. 80 are awaiting trial. 31 are charged for attempted murder of a policeman that attacked them. All their leaders are under ISA. The one that got away fled the country.

I looked out the window.
And I saw

Thousands and thousands of Chinese closing their doors. Minding their own business. Watching the soap operas. Playing mahjong. Going to the gym. Planning for holidays. Eating bah kuet teh. Enrolling their children in private schools. Going for line dancing. Changing to a bigger car. Perming their hair brown. Going to the movies. Shopping.

The Chinese. They don't look out the window.
Their houses.
Have no windows.

______________________

It is because of 3 generations of 'keeping quiet' that we are in a political quagmire of sorts today.

My story may not be the same for others, but it is no doubt a story of 3 generations of political oblivion -a saga of unremitting circumstances that has 'trained' us to look the other way - to economic wealth, education and religion. Politics because a 'dirty word' in our home; as a Chinese we should disengage ourselves completely from this 'unproductive' activity.

This is my story.

My grandfather took a ship to join the gold rush in San Francisco around the turn of the last century. Halfway on a Chinese junk, he got sea-sick, so he jumped ship at Singapore. Traveling up the hinterland, he focused on survival. Hungry from famine in Southern China, he vowed never to be hungry again. Politics was the last thing on his mind. Keeping his belly filled was his only priority. It was an obsession that dictated everything he did.

My father worked for the British. One day, forced by the Japanese to do 'national service', he was selected to look after food supplies. The family was starving during the war, so he stole rice under his care and hid them in sweet potatoes when he cooked rice. Our neighbors always thought we were eating sweet potatoes we grew on the fringes of the jungle, when in actual fact, we always had rice.

My grandmother sews clothes for the women day and night to survive and got paid in Japanese currency. When the war was over, these Japanese notes - which were unnumbered - became valueless. The family again struggled to bring food on the table. It was a litany of hunger and fear in our house.

When it came to my generation, my father thought education was the passport to economic freedom for us. He refused for us to be a contractor like him and forced us to study. In university, he forbade me to get involved in politics. He went as far as to refuse for me to study law so that I would not get involved in politics. I was forced to study a course I did not like because he wanted me to be a banker.

Needless to say, I made the same mistake when it came to my children. I told them also the 'passport to heaven' was also to study. But I refused to dictate what they should study but instead asked them to study what they liked. I ensured they got the best education. I also reminded everyone that they do not talk about politics on the dinner table.

My story is not uncommon; such is the struggle and saga common to thousands of Malaysian homes.

We are cajoled by our parents to look at bread-and butter issues. We are told that politics are not for us. We are told that our 'houses have no windows', so mind your own business and close the door. We are told that if this country is not good enough, you must get a good education and emigrate.

The Chinese? We are told this is not our home. We have no home. We are the Jews of the East. When trouble starts, we ought to look the other way. If it gets worse, we emigrate. Money talks. So long we have money, some country will take us.

100 years of ignorance. Is it blissful? No. It is tragic.

Still proud to be from IMU

I think this is old but I just chanced upon it recently and it's hilarious!
I am still proud to be from IMU


I am glad though my sisters are not doing medicine. So much drama with the NSW internship applications, that we might not even know if we get a job till Jan 2010 (because some local students accept multiple offers from different states and simply don't turn up at the different hospitals at day 1). And of course, the exams...
But oh well..life goes on

Job..less

So all international students were cut out of the 1st round offer in NSW which makes me officially jobless...until the 2nd round offer (which might mean an unpopular far hospital, interstate or no job?).

But I guess this is time to put what I always mumble should be preached...that we don't just praise God in good times, but especially more in bad times. That my praise is just not dependent on what He does for me, but who He is.

We shall see at round two!

Que Sarah, Sarah

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11

An unsmart nerd

I've never been a super medical student, just a normal average one.
And studying medicine can be frustrating at times; so much knowledge to digest.
Someone once described medical school as trying to drink from a hydrant; so much water pouring out that it drowns you.

What I realized recently though is that I am an unsmart nerd.
I have the lifestyle of a nerd; no parties or super happening social life.
Yet I am not smart like a nerd!

So neither am I nerdy and smart=at least I am smart
nor am I average but socially busy=at least there's a social life
unsmart nerd! haha

Anyway it's just a rant because I feel quite inadequate with exams coming up. Not to mention frustrated by the portfolio examination (a written essay with a interview viva on how I've matured as medical student..which sounds fine, but yet they want "proof of evidence" in the form of various extra assignments on ethics, reflective practicioner etc etc etc etc....)

Cravings

Since I enjoy reading blogs that talk about daily life, food etc etc...thought I might write this.

I almost never eat fast food but suddenly craved chips today.
I was already home, lazy to go out in the dark and cold but just wanted some hot chips while watching my new regular TV program MasterChef (haha).

I did not have any potatoes on hand otherwise I might have been desperate enough to cut them up and fry them myself.
After ummhing and ahhing I saw some pumpkin and decided to have sort of pumpkin baked in the oven.

It did help the cravings and at least it was healthy.

Forgive the pictures, it was from the camera phone. (My camera was stolen last year in Malaysia and thank goodness I did not buy a new one otherwise it would have been stolen too!)



Before going into the oven: A splash of oil, some dried herbs, sprinkling of salt.


Again, another ugly picture but oh well
After: With Salmon, Portuguese sauce and roasted pumpkin...
I had spaghetti pan fried with smoked mussels too...guess my weight loss might be temporal haha!

All in a week

My house was broken into twice
once at 4am
once at 4pm

Scary scary

At least I am able to sleep with the light off last night

Job applications are still lagging because of my stolen laptop

Had a presentation but thankfully I emailed it to myself

Bad skin! haha.

Looking forward to doing nothing today

Love the irony

Do you get it? Look carefully

Love the irony but definitely won't want this as my wedding cake

The "not in" thing..

In my blessed and comfortable Christian life, there are not many persecutions or issues regarding why I believe what I believe. But increasingly as I age (getting old) is the tension of bgr.

This often happens when people suggest other people or when other things come up. Often I cop out and just keep quiet because I don't want to break the camaraderie by saying "I will not date a person who is not a Christian." Or just avoid the awkwardness of saying that by playing safe and doge invitations etc. And the list then goes on to why Christians don't move in together and have the big 3 letter word starting with S before marraige or that dating is courtship and so forth.

It is an issue many people find hard to phantom in this age of free belief and choices. From my own experiences, most people are stunned and even feel "discriminated" against. One friend said that all beliefs are the same and cannot not understand the different value systems Christians have. (It could be in part of my own failure to live like Christ and show the difference He has made in my life).

And the seriousness that we take dating....people often go "but how would you know you want to marry this person unless you've gone out with him/her etc etc etc." Of course we do not always know and yes, sometimes not all Christian relationships end up in marraige but the intention is to avoid the "try before you buy" mindset and honor the other person.

Complicating things futher, other Christians date non Christians and makes all the explaining even more difficult.

Maybe this is one of the prices to pay in following Christ in the context of this generation.
I just hope to do it better rather than dodge under the blanket of silence.

If only...

Those who have been on call know how much we long for the clock to point to 7 am after a long 12 hour night shift. The anticipation of a shower, meal and bed. Sometimes even feeling smug that I'm done for the day even as the rest of the world wakes up..(haha)

Which is why the verse in Psalm 130 stands out;
My soul waits for the Lord
more than watchmen wait for the morning,
more than watchmen wait for the morning.

Interesting how the phrase the watchmen is repeated twice, as an added emphasis. Can just imagine the anticipation of the watchmen in changing guard plus the relief that the night has passed without any attacks etc.

I know I don't wait with such an anticipation. I hope to have such a hunger; not merely out of need when problems arise but to learn to delight in the Lord.

Vanity!

I am always humbled down when I myself get a cosmetic crisis. As medical practitioners it's so easy to dismiss patients' concerns about the cosmetic effects in the view of more life threatening issues BUT indeed appearances do matter!

A month plus ago I developed a keloid at the back of my ear lobe and freaked out after goggling the pictures online! Although it was not life threatening, in the literature it is not very curable and has a high relapse rate after any modality of treatment. It did cause some anxious moments and yes, it is still there at the moment, but I am thankful to God that it hasn't grown.

I am just so weary that another keloid will develop; this time on the face! I need to see my GP tomorrow! Indeed it is so humbling and makes me repent for judging people when they have body issues or cosmetic surgery etc etc. The holier than thou attitude about others until I myself am plagued with something that keeps me looking at the mirror whenever I get the chance and fretting if it's grown in size....it really keeps things in perspective that I am oh so human as well.

Do pray that no more keloids come up! :(

Can't help it

One of the biggest reasons I don't want to return to Malaysia for internship is my sheer lack of knowledge; especially in terms of practical skills. And O&G in particular requires experience, experience, experience

Over here, my scheduled clinics keep getting canceled because there are too many students both medical and allied health jostling for places-so bad that I can count the number of times I have palpated the abdomens. Turning up for things only to be turned away. I was at delivery suite today waiting but was told to go back home.

It is not such a big deal if I am going to work in Australia because O&G is an optional rotation. But I just do not want to be in the situation as an intern in Malaysia (since it is a compulsory rotation for year 1) at a district hospital getting complicated cases the midwives cannot handle and not knowing what to do. Plus the fact that we don't get taught to do anything at all here, not the suturing, nor the checking of dilatation and are lucky if we get to hold the baby.

I just hope I will be a safe doctor when I graduate at the rate I am going/learning now...

To the top end

It's a little complicated because I am a medical student but I am also an "employee" of St Vincent's since I work there part time as a RA but anyhow, because our abstract was accepted by the TSANZ, I had the gleeful privilege of being sponsored to go to Darwin for the conference.

(forgive my excitement since I am a poor medical student with not much other "happening" things going on in my life)

The abstract. Okay, not super earth shattering and thankfully my consultant was presenting but ya good excuse to go on a trip.


On tour around Darwin. Darwin is pretty far from Sydney, almost 4 hours by flight. Great for outdoors stuff and the highlight of the tour I took was the jumping crocodiles. The rest like buffolo watching, mangrove swamps etc are stuff I grew up seeing in Labuan (my small hometown) so it was not new.

there's a video where it jumps but I am too lazy to upload on youtube.




My hotel room in Holiday Inn...4 nights become a bit of a drag when you're alone but ya no complaints..


Overall, I would not have flown to Darwin if it wasn't sponsored so it was good to get to see what Darwin is like. Also going to this conference plus the part time job is a blessing from God because it is related to med and pays alright with not that long hours. It was a bit lonely just because there were few if no other medical students around, most were advance trainees and consultants but it's good exposure. It also made me a bit more confident about research work because initially I really thought that our abstract won't be accepted (since I have no experience on how such stuff works) but it actually got upgraded to an oral abstract.

The week

started with 6-7 emails at 6am on Monday morning from my supervisor, all urgently needed to be answered as she was giving a talk at lunch time, followed by midwives clinic and a rush to get from clinic-bus-St Vincent's for the talk. The talk was followed by more work as there was still so much more refining to be done.

it progressed with 730 ward rounds and a non threatening but potentially disfiguring health problem that kept me awake, sad and anxious.

in a state of paranoia, another health issue cropped out. While more work needed to be done on top of normal med school stuff. Added to the mix was the potential "no jobs for international students" mantra during information night, along with the possibility that I might leave people I care about behind and the cuddly world of comfortable internship.

I was pretty emotional, tired and strung.

Yet, at the same time some things cleared up like the health issues.

And while it took me awhile to gain back my senses, I am amazed by the reminder that God is faithful in all seasons. That what is impossible with men is possible with God. That God sent me to UNSW in weird circumstances. That he provided a part time job that pays well, is great in the academic sense and a good supervisor. That He spared my life when I was in a terrible accident in KKB a few years ago when the car overturned. That He provided and continues to provide for my family. And many more.

Indeed.

So..

We might not get a job in the end? Because of new policies again?

Oh well, too much drama for this week.
In the end, I do hope to live what I try to profess, that God is in control and He is trustworthy.
So ya..

Long distance relationships...

The funny thing about IMU is that most if not all of us previously from IMU who twinned to partner medical schools all look back and think that those 2.5 years were the one of best years in our lives. It is not the teaching nor the converted shopping mall that we look back fondly upon but the people. The seniors, the juniors and the batchmates-KKB trips, CF and the like.

But of course, it is also a reality that many relationships are tested by the distance.
Different time zones, countries. Differing workloads from super busy at Seremban/US to the super slack UK/Aus.

Over time, the promises to visit another country to meet up with friends fade away due to expensive air fares and minimal holiday times. Emails get shorter until they don't get sent, random bits of information are picked up from facebook home page (at least for me..haha, guilty as charged).

Yet, it is such a treasure when old friendships last the distance and yes, while the levels of contact may change inevitably due to circumstances, I am thankful that my friend and I can still talk at the same level of comfort as before. And to have a special guest from the US! :)



Thank God for friends, friends who last the distance and changes. And for the continuity of friendship that allow us to know where each started of and remind each other the ways God has remained faithful.

Maybe this is familiar...

"But I am not alone in this. Most of you will by this time have lost a parent, a spouse, even a child. Your hopes for your career have not panned out. Your health has given way. Relationships have turned sour. We all know the dilemma of desire, how awful it feels to open out hearts to joy, only to have grief come in. They go together. We know that. What we don't know is what to do with it, how to live in this world with desire so deep in us and disappointment lurking in every corner. After we've taken a few arrows, dare we even desire?" John Eldredge.

And so 6th year will start soon.
It's not that I am not thankful to be so far along, where each exam has been God's grace in allowing me to pass through. Or that I have paid work with a great supervisor and a free abstract. And thankful for friends and family and people. Okay life with health and food and a place to stay.

It's just maybe, I am too cautious to dream, to wary to be passionate.
Once bitten, twice shy.

I just need to know (not an intellectual know but a heart's knowing) why I am doing this again.

No need for words

Was just waiting for a meeting and had some time to grab a coffee (which later gave me tachycardia!) and time to day dream/think/read.

The book somehow reminded me of my father and my elective in his clinic. True it wasn't in the UK with the attractions of travelling around Europe, nor in the adventure of Cambodia which was also considered. It was just in simple Labuan and later GH. It was a choice I made because when else will I ever get a chance to be a medical student again under my father.

It was more than just learning about medicine; but to be mentored under my father. Getting the opportunity to be in the same consulting room, see the different patients that present to the clinic. Seeing how hard he works and how busy he is. Later just having dinner at home.

You see my father isn't a man of many words. We talk but definitely not as much as I do with my mum. Yet it was a great time to just be with him, to observe. where no words needed to be spoken.

How I miss the comfort of family now! Just to hang around doing random things that are so basic like watching TV, eating, fighting occasionally... ;)

From good ole Talley's

When a disease is named after some author, it is very likely we don't know much about it.
August Bier (1861-1949)

Little miss.....

Oh no....

"apperantly"....unless all my family members have conspired....

I....talk in my sleep! :(

Can't laugh at other people anymore for talking in their sleep.

IMU!

The park opposite IMU had a hill where I used to jog up (on the random times where I actually felt rajin enough). During sem3 study break ages ages ages ago, I used to stay up till 7am in the morning, jog, eat hot nasi lemak sold by the pakcik opposite IMU, read my newspapers and then sleep till like 4 in the afternoon. It's not the best for sure..haha

Now there's a 4th story above IMU which used to be our rooftop canteen.

New highway as well and new apartment blocks. And unfortunately the path up to the hill is a bit unsafe with cracks here and there. There's still the nasi lemak thing by the side of the road though with new extensions-chairs and tables!

The past...

Looking back at some old pictures at home, I am struck....

"Why was I better looking last time and not now?!?"

Haha

Musical chairs

So what have I been doing with my holidays?

Every year when I come back, somehow we end up moving house.

This year has been dramatic no thanks to the robbery which made my mother uneasy so we decided to move 2 days after the incident to my "beloved" Vista Commenwealth C where my sister has a room (we were going to move away from Subang anyway but probably only in march 09). Having only 1 small room open, the rest of us slept in the living room. Thankfully the rest of the students were on holidays.

However, they are now back to uni...but in timely providence, my other sister and I are back in Labuan. So although it is still weird that my mum and maid is sleeping in the living room while my sister's housemates are back, we are sort of settled.

Of course it would be inconvenient for the poor students who suddenly have squatters but with God's provision and Eugene's mum's grace, we will soon move to his apartment in Vista B for a few months. Meanwhile my sister's contract at her current apartment ends in February so she will move with us to Vista B...

AND then...we (or rather they as I will be back by then) will move into Vista C to another permenant apartment which we cannot move in atm because it's under contract...................

and meanwhile there are still things in Subang where we will have to move to Vista B temporarily for 1 month before moving it to Vista C

Subang-Vista C-Vista B-Vista C... sums it all up. Phew...haha

Although it's terribly unsettling and have drained me, you know what, we still have a place to stay so ya. God is still gracious. :)

Blast to the past

I arrived today in Labuan, the little island where spent most of my schooling
years. The small, small place where there used to be no Mc Donalds..until recently where there's a 24hr Mc Donalds at the airport and a 24hr KFC! haha..so jakun.

Despite some of the obvious changes, a lot of it remains the same. The same shops, roads.
My house has deteriorated though; paint peeling, rusting metal...after all it's just been my father alone at home for the whole year.

Looking at the stuff at home, I remember some of the things I used to find fascinating; the lamp that lights up on touch, the miniature figurines that we used to get as birthday presents from friends (but is now to be a dust collector!), the videos my sisters and I used to watch over and over and over...it's almost like travelling through time and acknowledging, yes, God, You've brought me through so many changes.

Changes I never expected, some changes I couldn't wait to happen (like going out of Labuan to study and getting so stressed at Pre U that I thought I would fail and just come back and be a nurse at my father's clinic! haha). Painful changes, treasured changes.

In the end, some things I used to love I will find no use for.
And somethings that I never realize its importance will surprise me with its lasting qualities.

Anyway in the meantime..my sister and I might just drive pass McD at 3am..just to satisfy my burning curiosity "Who on earth goes to McDonalds Labuan at 3am!?!?!" haha....