Snaps

Bankstown is so Asian-look at the durians...

Why I do not like parking in the city!

I made onde-onde....very ironic-I never cook Malay food in Malaysia but only in Australia

A confession

I still fondly recall my IMU days; mainly because it was time where I caught a glimpse of God and His heart. Where I was truly passionate for people; for both my student community and the marginalized of the society.
I remember talking with tears of conviction when sharing to fellow friends; hoping to share something that gripped me so much.

Then a different season entired my life. Of pain, till I could feel no more and became numb. Of tears, where I could cry no more.
I still went to church, but I heard words, not truth. Sang but not praise. Gained knowleged but not conviction.

And thus, for 3 years I never could bring myself to go back to Petaling Street Ministry-even though by then my sister was involved.
I could not go to serve the homeless, because I did not know myself what goes God's love meant. How to make sense of God in this broken world. I did not want to say words I did not mean and talk of a God I did not know......

....But....somehow there is a new stirring in my heart. Little reminders in
A church that God has brought me to that is passionate for the lost.
A new young adults cg of ppl who are concerned about social justice
A fellow intern who despite his busy-ness has gone out of his way to befriend the homeless in the city (where as I cannot even be nice to nurses I work with everyday)
A random facebook message about the street ministry
And wonder of wonders, I now have that little teary voice (HAHA) when I talk about what I truly hope for......(although it is quite impossible to happen)

and so even though I do not like to turn my blog into youtube, this song does hold some meaning...especially the words...Stepping forward keep us from just singing

God of Justice, Saviour to all
Came to rescue the weak and the poor
Chose to serve and not be served

Jesus, You have called us
Freely we've received
Now freely we will give

We must go live to feed the hungry
Stand beside the broken
We must go
Stepping forward keep us from just singing
Move us into action
We must go

To act justly everyday
Loving mercy in everyway
Walking humbly before You God

You have shown us, what You require
Freely we've received
Now freely we will give


Fill us up and send us out
Fill us up and send us out
Fill us up and send us out Lord

Gratitude

I stumbled on this song a few months ago, sent it to Cindy, remembering our IMU days.
She replied today...and I don't even remember sending the song..

But hearing it...
Yes, may I be grateful for this season of life

Work like you don't need money,
Love like you've never been hurt,
And dance like no one's watching.

Put the kettle on

After 5 days worth of late nights; both from going out and work..
Lots of food..

..nothing beats having a hot cup of green tea with lemon while curled up in bed :)

Why I cannot be a surgeon

...pt's family "Thank you for seeing my mother. Do you want me to get you something to eat?"
.."emmm no....I am good"
.."but you are pregnant, you have to take care of yourself"
..stunned..am I that fat? or is it the scrubs+outer gown

HAHA

Moving forward

We had a Christian Medical and Dental retreat nationwide recently.
It was short, but it feels good to play a small part in organizing...makes me take ownership and responsibility instead of just taking things forgranted.

Funnily enough, everyone raved about the hotel buffet breakfast-maybe because we normally don't get the luxury of hot breakfasts-bacon, eggs, chocolate crossiants...yumm...
Maybe it's the Asian in me (I always use that term but it's kind of stating the obvious because I am Asian inside out), loves buffets even though I am not a huge eater.

Realization no 5

I have a temper within me that I have not known for a long time...
and mainly to the nurses...

...who call me at 230 am to say "I need an IVC now...."
.."what is it for?"
.."Antibiotics"
.."Isn't antibiotics given at 6am earliest. I do a morning round anyway at 530-6 and always do all the IVCs and other tasks then. If I come around now, I will have to come again a few times throughout the night. If the cannula is for heparin infusion/PCA I can come immediately. and I am covering the whole hospital. I cannot be walking up and down for a cannula that is needed at 6"
.."yes, but if I don't tell you now, I cannot write it in my nursing notes 'MO contacted'"
.."then what is the use of the M0 communication book?"
.."I need to write in the notes that I have contacted you."
.."but it is not an urgent cannula."
...........at this point I give up trying to make paging a little more systematic/triage based.
And multiply this by 3-4 different wards and at random hours of the night.
^_^

Note: not all nurses are like that, I have done nights too at another hospital where they will only page when the cannula is urgent-PCA/heparin/somac infusion. They trust doctors enough that we will come around in the morning and we trust them enough that when they page, it is urgent and we will come immediately. The problem with nonsense paging is that after a while, you do not know when to take them seriously or not.


Page beeps..
..Reply page..rings and rings and rings and rings..
No one picks up phone
..Call again
Finally someone picks up the phone.
.."Hello you paged?" (hold my tongue-wanted to say if you page, wait by the phone. What is the use of paging and running away? And I take pages seriously and reply immediately!)
.."Come and review patient, she has respiratory distress"
.."1st of all where are you calling from, what is the patient in for?"
.."some history given..."
.."What are the obs"
.."I haven't done them"
.."How can you tell me patient is in respiratory distress when you haven't counted the respiratory rate, 02 stas. Again, I am covering the whole hospital and I need to triage which patient needs to be seen urgently more than the others..look someone else is paging me now..
You also need to do the obs because it might be severe enough to be a MET call!"
^_^

God I need a lot of patience!

Realization no 4

I started off internship with terrible cannulation and blood taking skills.
Somehow (which I attribute to God's wisdom) I started off in a hospital where there's an after hours specialist nurse who can come and help with difficult cannulas.
Plus it was a surgical term so I certainly got lots of practice.

It was then followed by ED, then 1 week of nights (with another resident).
By the time I was placed on nights alone (only me for the whole hospital-but at least there's a med reg), thank God my cannulation has improved. Plus I had a gradual weaning to doing nights alone.

Realization no 3

I can actually sleep anywhere.
I used to be sleep resistant, even as a student-never been able to doze off on the bus etc
But now, I can sleep on the couch in the doctor's common room, sitting upright on a chair....
...and I am not even doing the crazy hours doctors in Malaysia do

Realization no 2

I can't do weekdays off well...
Part of me will feel guilty that I am not doing anything productive
Plus I can never wake up early enough-adding to the feeling that I am "wasting" my day off
...even though ironically days off should be for sleeping in

Realization no 1

I need to wear more "formal" clothes aka structured dresses, jackets...because no one believes that I am a doctor; I am often called sister, student....

...which I honestly do not mind EXCEPT when I am cannulating/blood taking and patients' refuse to trust my position.

I still

I still want to do it Your way....

even though it seems more and more far fetched
even though it's disappointed me before
even though there is no change or progress

....so help me go on

...I too want to have Your story in my life told

The car

All throughout my student life I have always relied on public transport or walked everywhere.
When I got my car late last year, I was terrified of driving. I had not really driven in 7 years except for occasional visits back in Labuan; and let's be honest, the roads/traffic in tiny Labuan is a breeze.

Furthermore, some of the road rules in Australia are different. Even though the traffic light is green you have to wait for the opposite lane to clear before you turn etc...I was just afraid that instinctly I would just drive at the green lights, forgetting that the Australian system is different.
Plus I don't know Sydney roads at all! And I was moving to a suburb/area I never visited, except for 1 lecture at Bankstown Hospital.

Needless to say, the first few weeks of driving was terrifying. I wished I could bus again or simply walk. I found it stressful to park (haha) because most Australians parralel park but we Malaysians park straight in.

BUT, nowadays I am so used to driving that I drive when I can walk to the stores..haha.
And the GPS has been a great help! I would never have known how to drive around but the GPS has taken me north, south and even to the Blue Mountains.
It's also because of the car+GPS I can go to cell groups etc etc and thus, I am thankful to God for the above. Just need to still remind myself to be careful when driving and not rush.

A dream

Then Joseph said to them, " Do not interpretations belong to God? Tell me your dreams."
Genesis 40:8b

Actually it's rather amazing that Joseph would want to have anything to do with dreams. The last time he did that, remember what happened? He told his brothers about his dreams and it was "Operation Pit City." He wound up in an Egyptian slave market. You'd think he would say, "Not me, man! I'm off of dreams forever." But not Joseph. He said "Oh really? A dream huh? Tell me about it." Charles R. Swindoll

Once bitten, twice shy?
I've seen and felt the pain of having dreams taken away; dreams where I felt was God pleasing.
But without vision, people perish.

I am daring to dream again; not that God will neccesarily grant me everything I dream about. But trusting him to be honest with what I truly desire. That He is big enough both in my joy and my disappointment.

Being a doctor...

...to me is wayyyyy overated.

1st year of med school: I want to make a difference in the world/discover the cure to cancer/win the Nobel Price for Medicine

3rd year of med school: I want to make a difference in patients' lives

5th year of med school: Med school is boring, can't wait to be a doctor

6th year of med school: I just want to pass medicine

Intern year: I just want to remember my patients' names and find their files (which always disappear when your boss arrives, making you an intern who cannot even do a basic thing like finding a chart)

Unanswered prayers?

To be honest, I do have sort of an achilles heel with God.
In my own grand plan and timeline I would be married now preferably to a Malaysian and striving to be a specialist, with the intention of returning home to Malaysia once I have achieved consultancy so that I can go back with my brood to serve.

But here I am, not sure about anything anymore!
And in a lot of ways I've grown quite numb towards God since living in Sydney.
No longer dreaming, no longer having a vision (and without vision people perish).

Yet this time when I am back with my family, I realize well, I think God has actually answered some of my prayers.
I remember a few years ago, when my father was going through his own dry season, I would purposely play a sermon CD in the car just so that he would listen because he wouldn't really pay attention in church. And my youngest sister and I would argue often.

But now, my father has changed so much! My family is so different.
I hope that my eyes will be open to see that my God is indeed big!

Living in the present

Coming back to Malaysia AND staying in Vista brings back many fond memories of IMU days. As I've repeated lots of times, IMU was where I truly grew spiritually. There are thoughts of returning to Malaysia but many factors play against it; namely the lack of clinical skills, the uncertainity of posting placements, the workload. Still something I am praying about.

Yet I am reminded that I had currents of discontentment when I was in IMU too.
And the view is always better through nostalgic rose tinted glasses.
My resolution is to be consistent with my spiritual walk with God which includes simple things like reading the bible daily and praying. To make full use of the free time for ministry, meeting up with girls, building deep friendships. Indeed I am blessed in Sydney with an okay work load. :) 7 days of nights is the reason I can come back to Malaysia because I get 7 days off after that!

Indeed I do want to live in the present, with the grace of God.

Below are random pictures including taking public transport in KL! Haha

Lack of skills

Many if not most of us have been brought up with the idea that overseas tertiary education is far superior than studying locally.
It was always something that I looked forward to; studying in the green grass overlooking an old building (sucked in by the advertising). Haha

When I started uni in Australia, I realized while maybe overseas universities are far superior and advanced in research; for the average undergraduate, it doesn't make much difference locally versus internationally (my sample size of course skewed towards just IMU vs UNSW).

As I assisted with a caesarean on my night shift recently I was humbled because I cannot even assist properly let alone do a caesarean. Our O&G term at the too posh Royal meant that we had zero to none hands on experience. Being a girl I was lucky enough to help delivery the placenta as a student, some of my male counterparts were not even allowed to touch anything. I have never fully delivered a baby on my own. Where as IMU students have a quota of deliveries that they have to do plus episitomy quotas as well! Of course I've heard that it can be super stressful trying to get the allocated number of births etc with the unpredictability of obstetrics and also jostling among coursemates for deliveries BUT...in a far small ulu distric hospital being the only MO on call, it will pay off.

Which makes me even more hesistant to return to work in Malaysia because I am simply not skilled enough. I can try to upskill another year in Australia but that would mean I might return as an MO in Malaysia where I would probably be less competent than the housemen in Malaysia.

I do not love O&G but I am considering to do a term of O&G just in case I might one day be in some small district hospital.....or...I don't know! Stay on?

Bits

1) I feel that I've missed the train again in life...



2) Doctors make the worst patients. My housemate has already started antibiotics for an URTI. I am sorely tempted to start myself


3) I now understand the obsession with TV series like the above or Friends etc. When you are in your mid twenties, somehow it seems comforting to watch other people on the screen with career,friendship,love life issues you can relate to a certain degree. (I still do not get the hype with SATC though)


4) I still fear cannulation on difficult patients....which brings me to the next topic

5) Nights make you fat because all you do is eat and sleep, messes about with your body clock and there is no one to help you if you cannot get that cannula in! (and I am starting nights tonight..)

Give me eyes to see the more of who you are.
May what I behold still my anxious heart.
Take what I have known and break it all apart.
For you my God... are greater still.

And no sky contains no doubt restrains for all you are the greatness of our God!
I'll spend my life to know
and I'm far from close to all you are, the greatness of our God.

Give me grace to see beyond this moment here.
To believe that there is nothing left to fear.
That you alone are high above it all.
And you my God are greater still...

And no sky contains no doubt restrains for all you are the greatness of our God!
I'll spend my life to know
and I'm far from close to all you are, the greatness of our God.

And there is nothing that could ever separate us,
no there is nothing that could ever separate us from your love.
No life, no death,
of this I am convinced,
you my God are greater still..

And no words could say, or song convey for you are the greatness of our God I'll spend my life to know and I'm far from close to all you are the greatness of our God

And no sky contains no doubt restrains all you are the greatness of our God!
I'll spend my life to know
and I'm far from close to all
you are the greatness of our God.