Capre Diem

Rushing with no where to go...
At times it feels that I am often living for the future in the present instead of living in the present for the future. Forever rushing...when I was in sec school, I couldn't wait to go to college, in college I was over eager to step into uni, and now in IMU, my neck is craining overseas. I'm sure when I'm overseas I'd be counting the days to go back to Malaysia and when I'm in Malaysia, I'd be counting the days to go back overseas....

The futile chase to find something more significant, more comfort, more challenges, more milestones....and often blind to the fact that the very milestones and experiences are actually in front of my eyes...

As Joan Chittister says" Finding God is a matter of living every minute of life to its ultimate."

Even as sem 5 roles in and the time starts to tick, I really hope to fully embrace each moment left in IMU, be it in cf, cg, EOS!, church, friends, family..

And thus, these are memories of the tiny island of Labuan....my sister will turn 17 only once...and I'm thankful that I was there...

Home

Books ..and this is just a shelf in my house...yea yea, I can hear you snickering away, "Of course you guys have to read..what else is there to do in Labuan? Imagine, no MCD!"

The reason for the 4 day trip...thanks to Air Asia for giving out free tickets! :)


Yea yea, I spoil the picture...Cindy says I have a very GARANG face..haha


Yep...one moment at a time..
Here's to living each second, each minute, each hour, each day...with You! (You with a capital letter before I start getting smses again!..haha)

Endless invention, endless experiment,
Brings knowldege of motion, but not of stillness.....
Where is the Life we have lost in living,
Where is the wisdom we have lost in knowledge? T.S. Elliot

Pa@the quiet one

My dad is the quiet, serious and silent one..... The one who talks politics, who's clock is always 15 minutes faster than real time, the one who is organized, methological.

Just today as we were watching TV, he suddenly said, "You know, it's not how long you live or how many breaths you breath. It's how many moments in life that takes your breath away."

Wah! So chim...Haha...
Respect the Dad!

Makan!

Hungry or not? Now I feel like a pregnant lady....been eating double portions for dinner lately! And I understand why Malays loveeee buffet dinners during puasa time, I want to have a steam boat buffet, a Japanese buffet (but expensive ya) and I want to eat seafood when I go back to Labuan again!

This exercise has been interesting because if I get up later than 9 in the morning I can't eat till 6.30 evening. Plus it's challenging to not eat when everyone eats during lunch and you have to sit down to talk to people while watching them eat. Of course, it's an incentive to get up EARLY in the morning. But yea, not really good for the metabolism though..with all the heavy eating at night...

So what does one do when thinking about food but can't eat? My latest craze, visit food blogs!! Ya that's where all the pictures come from. My favourite food blogs include the biscuit, kyspeaks, yummy, masak-masak and foodcrazee. Of course there are like lots of other food blogs but especially love food blogs that review SS2, Petaling Street or Sri Petaling because at least I know where and which restaurant they are writing/ravishing about.

Was in Petaling Street last Saturday and because yours truly woke up late and miss her 9 o'clock deadline, she didn't eat and walk around in the hot and humid Petaling Street. Almost felt like fainting, yea dangerous...but anyway, food never looked so appealing till then! Ended up ta pau ing Eu Cha Kui, Pan Mee, Koh Loh Mee and a bag of cheezels for dinner. Yea 1 dinner for 1. Told yea I'm now eating double portions........

Woe to the waistline.. :) And if anyone is going for "economical" buffet dinner AFTER 6.30, count me in!

What compels?

His father died today. He never got to say the last goodbye.
Just after 1 month in Chiang Mai, Kien Loong rushed back to KL today for the funeral. Those who know Kien Loong and Su Fong feel their pain and share a kindship with them.

After being in PD with them, getting to know their family and learning God with them there's a fierce protectiveness that I feel for them. When I read the papers on Thailand, it's no longer just another country, but hey! it's the country where my friends are. Tom Yam is just not another dish, but what my friends eat everyday.

It's not another wannabe missionary couple being "foolish" to forsake all to be obedient to my God. Nor is it another missionary talking about something I don't grasp or feel.

But it's a missionary family whom I've prayed with, whom I've seen Su Fong cry while praying for Thailand when looking at the map of the world. It's Sarah and Seth their children who've touched us all with their maturity and love for the people of Thailand themselves. It's Su Fong who'd joke with me that we are made for South East Asian countries cuz we are both tanned and thus look like the people there. It's Kian Loong humbly sharing from his heart on how God changed and convicted him to leave his job.

It's simply lives that've touched other lives, including mine...

In the preceding months before leaving I've seen them sell their house, their car, say goodbye to friends and family, bringing their two children to an unknown land...

What comples them? To go leaving everything, to go on despite sad circumstances?

For Christ's love compels us, because we are convienced that One died for all, and therefore all died. And He died for all, that those who live should no longer live for themselves but for Him who died for them and was raised again. 2 Corinthians 5:14-15

Indeed, "he is no fool to give what he cannot keep, to gain what he cannot lose" Jim Elliot

Teach me to gaze into Your eyes and learn Your humility.

Keep them in your prayers. Pray for Thailand

Can't stop smiling

I ventured with confusion.
I departed with no resolution.
Yet I can't stop smilling.
For I know you better.
And you have granted me the privillage
of sharing more of you with me.

I've found the one!
GRINS :)

As cliche as it may sound, it's simply wonderful to wake up knowing that!

"Love is a serious mental disease" Plato

(After getting different interpretations of this post and having a funny conversation with CINDY...I must enlarge my disclaimer! :) This post is about finding The One, but still waiting for the second love..haha. The venturing etc is not the journey like Mr Yu and you, but going to peacehaven, recognize the picture? :) Rest assured if it is really scandalous news you'd be the first to know!
It's not an attempt to be a smart aleck or potong steam or to post something "scandalous" but truly I've found The one and in the future mr boyfriend *if he exists* will only be the second. So someday if asked, "Is he(mr bf/husband) The One?" the answer would definately be "No! He's not the one, but the two in my life..." ok lame but get my point? haha)

Anyway, since you guys have got me talking about this scandalous subject, I attended MCPP (mission candidate preparation program) part 2 in Peacehaven last weekend, which was the reason for the post! On hindsight yea, those that didn't go would probably think that I'm talking about something else instead. My miscommunication problem and wrong choice of words! Apologies...

But you know what? Only 1/10 women missionaries are married, so we had a single missionary from Cambodia share on life as a single missionary and honest talk on this issues. Again I must stress to you all I'm not sure if I'm going to be a missionary etc but I'm keen to discover where God would want me to be. And part of preparation for this would be to relinquish the dream to be married, even the dream of being married to a guy who'd share the same dream/passion. Of course it doesn't mean that I must never get married if I wanted to go into the mission field, but in view of the scant number of guys willing to go forth, it's entirely up to God to provide. After all, the dream must never be bigger than the dream giver...and as C.S. Lewis so aptly writes, Love ceases to be a demon when it ceases to be a god.

Which brings me back to the question of The One. If I've truly found The One love of my life, would it matter if I do not find the second? Yes, it would because I am still human. Yet, because I've found The one, finding or not finding (or in the girl's case waiting for) the second love would not matter so much or be the top priority.....

so yea....found The One....going with the flow of God in waiting for the second and open to God if the second might not appear :)
(*blushes* sigh, didn't want to write about thses 2 issues privy to me on world wide web but I guess I owe everyone an explanation...haha! dug my own grave yea.. ;) But honestly I really wasn't thinking in that line, probably too much mountain air..ha)

The storm has passed

A father and child embarkes on a journey.
"Come child, let me take you on this journey."
"But where are we going?" the child asks.
"You'd see. It's a surprise."
"But I want to know! Papa!"
"Child, it's really a surprise. Trust me."
"I really want to know and I'm not going until you tell me."
"Have I ever disappointed you? Trust me. Just follow me."
The child looks at her father's rough but gentle hands, hands that have gently built her life.
"Ok," as she grips her father's hand as they walk into the forest.

At first the forest scares her. There are dark shadows and the winds howl, sending shivers down her spine. Yet, holding on to father, she starts to enjoy the journey. They pass through shallow grooves and cross small creaks. She begins to enjoy the journey and marvel at the way the sun's patterns cut through random openings of the forest canopy.

Father and daughter walk on. But soon into the journey, her 5 year old mind's attention span begins to waver.

"Father, can we stop here? I need a rest. I want to play with the leaves," she says.
"No child, we have to move on, we really do," he answeres, not inconsiderate to his young daughter's request but aware that the journey has barely begun.
"Please?"
"No."

Sulkingly she prods on with her father. She walks on and forgets her confrontation with her father earlier on as she comes to a stream of water. They stop for a long drink and enjoy the cool water. She understands now why her father wanted to go on. Trust for her father increases and she's simply happy to be travelling with him.

Yet it's not the end of the journey. They move on further through darker woods. Now it's no longer the rustling wind but the haunting howls of wolves that jarr at her ears. Her young legs begin to fail her. She desperately grips at her father's hands. Energy ebbs away and for the moment, she's disappointed in herself for being so young, so weak.

"I'm so tired. I really can't go on anymore. Please tell me where we are going"
Silence from him. She fears she has stung his heart.
"No pa, it's not that I don't trust you, nor that I want to ruin your suprise. It's just that I can't, and if you tell me, then maybe I would muster enough energy to go on."
Silence again.
"Father, if you won't tell me, it's okay too. But rest with me then. My grip is getting weaker."
He looks at her, but speaks no words. She clings even more tightly and begs.
"I know you won't leave me. But there's no way that I can go on now. I'm sorry I'm so weak. I'm sorry I am a disappointment to you. If I could I would. But I really can't. I'm so afraid that if I go on, I wouldn't have even enough energy to hold your hand. I'm afraid that I'd let go of you, my dear father"

An eternity of silence. A desperate child.

Finally he whispers, "Child, I know.
I didn't ask you to journey with me not knowing your strength. I know that this journey is beyond you. And I know that your grip will fail you.
But child, don't you see, I'll still hold you even when you can't."

She noddes but continues, "I know that you'd never disappoint me. But I fear more that I'd be disappointed in you instead. For I do not want to lose you nor feel disappointed in you because your presense means so much to me. I am my worst enemy"

"My child. Trust me. Simply trust me. There are periods of this journey where I want you to grip my hand, to learn to trust me, yet there are also moments where I need you to simply let me grip your hand instead. "

He adds, "It's during these times that no matter how hard you try to hold my hand, it's not your strength that would ensure we are not seperated, but mine."

Cease striving and know that I am God.
Lord, I believe, help me overcome my unbelief.
Save me from myself.
I trust in You, not that my trust would help me grip tighter to you.
But I trust in You, that You'll help me trust in You when I don't trust.*

*(I'm sorry if you had to read until here and see such paradoxical sentences that may not make sense. It's just my train of thought)

Releasing my grip

Father, I want to know Thee, but my coward heart fears to give up its toys.
I cannot part with them without inward bleeding, and I do not try to hide from Thee the terror of the parting.
I come trembling, but I do come.
Please root from my heart all Those things which I have cherished so long and which have become a very part of my living self, so that Thou mayest enter and dwell there without a rival. Then shalt Thou make the place of Thy feet glorious.
Then shall my heart have no need of the sun to shine in it, for Thyself wilt be the light of it, and there shall be no night there.
In Jesus' name, Amen
A.W. Tozer, The Pursuit of God.

The dearer the dream, the greater the cost.
Yet the greater the struggle of surrender, the greater the surprise.
You are for me, not against me. Remind me Lord!
Whatever you want to remove, please remove. Whatever you want to place, do place.
I trust You my all in all, to give me nothing but the best, even when I fear Your best is not what I want. Teach me to delight in You so much so that Your best would be what I greatly desire and cherish.

Random attempts at "celebral" matters

Was randomly browsing through my stuff at home and came across my old "artwork"@ my attempts to be artistic and poetic. Probably did this around 16+? I'm actually (cough!) proud of this brown cardboard of faces that I cut from different magazines.
This piece of "art" (sounds so professional..haha) was supposed to potray the potpourri of diversity in humankind. Faces of innocent babies side by side famous politicians, glamorous supermodels next to beloved grandmothers, starving African children neighbours to rich celebrities, giggly kids alongside serious thinkers.
My favourite combination takes the centre piece, the grieving mother crying by her dead jihadist son directly next to a picture perfect couple staring into each other's eyes. Both pictures were delibrately placed as such, for both pictures centred on love, yet both evoked such contrasting outcomes. One, bitter tears, the other shinning hope.

Another random thought "gripper"

We have taller buildings but shorter tempers,
Wider highways but narrower viewpoints,
We spend more but have less,
We have higher incomes but lower morals.

We have bigger homes but smaller families,
More conveniences but less time,
More degrees but less common sense,
More knowledge but less judgment,
More experts but more problems,
More apathy but less compassion,
More food but less appeasement.

We have multiplied our possessions but reduced our values;
We have become long on quantity but short on quality.

We have learnt how to make a living but not a life;
We've learnt to rush but not wait,
We have added years to life not life to years.

We have counquered outer space but not found our inner self,
We have accomplished bigger things but not better things,
We've cleaned up the air but poluted the soul,
We've split the atom but not our prejudice.

We have more aquaintances but fewer friends.
We have more connectivity but less communication.

These are the times of fast food and slow digestions,
tall men but short character,
steep profits but shallow relationships.

These are the times of two incomes but more divorce,
fancier houses but broken homes.

These are the times of quick trips, fast words, temper tantrums, empty promises, cheap thrills, throwaway morality, disposable diapers, 1 minute makeovers and pills that cheer, quiet, kill.

These are the times where men seek to be served instead of serve,
These are times where God is on trial while men are judges,
These are times where values are fluid and truth; relative.
Lord, save us from ourselves!
For what good is man,
if he gains the whole world,
only to lose his soul?
(Adapted not so" canggih" to come up with this all on my own of course! haha)

Thank you for tolerating my attempts to be "celebral" :)
Yea, reading too much political/sociological magazines at home! (blame the Father for subscribing all these materials) AGAIN..hahaha.
As a consequence, "earned" only RM14 worth of angpows! (to my defence, I don't have local relatives, my parents don't give angpows to their own and some houses nowadays don't give angpows... :) )
Plus, abandoning the medical books too...