Haha?
I wish I can be merry and cherry and write wonderful things in my blog instead of always being moody and depressed.
I want to write about what I ate, what I bought at the shopping mall, and things other sane people write about.
But what can I say, I only spew out ink of melachony..
I just don't want to get up again for a long long time...
Maybe during my funeral, CF would experience revival (it always happen at funerals where revival breaks out)
Maybe I won't have to sit for sem 5, worry about matching or Mr I don't know who are you and I don't know if you would even turn up.
Maybe I wouldn't need to think about things anymore.
Or be tired and exhausted.
And just drift and drift..and drift and drift...
Argh...suicide?
Experience with a close friend has taught me that it brings far more consequences than relief..
Besides, I don't think my family deserves this..
And I don't think I've reached "that" stage just yet..
That's why if I suddenly for some reason don't get up ever again after sleep....it would not be sin (suicide is sin..I think) and it would be painless and it would be quick and people would think I just had some congenital heart disease and it would...........
I'm insane.
I can make it out of this..Lord..
Help me!!
Your grace IS sufficient for me...
Pull me out of this mediocracy.
(I'll be okay..because God will make sure I'm okay..)
Wednesday, November 30, 2005
Friday, November 25, 2005
Where are you?
(Disclaimer: this post would only be understood by girls...guys might find this very desperate and too mushy...so guys, don't read! haha...I don't write this because I'm too free etc. Just that I really want to write this out, although I'm not sure if I want everyone to read this aka selfsuicidal blogger)
Where are you?
I want to laugh with you, dissect the newspapers with you, "debate" with you over politics.
I know this is not the requests of most girls, but my dream would include showing each other articles that challenge our thoughts and worry together over the fate of homeless children half way across the globe. And fight with you to be the first to read the latest copy of TIME magazine. Or tease you with something I've read, as you reveal something else I don't know.
I want to hear you talk about life. I want to appreciate poetic pictures of AIDS patients with me. I want to look into your eyes when we've been through a particular situation and see my own thoughts reflected in yours. I want you to squeeze my hand as we hear something that inspires. I want to rush and share a particular quote that I've found to be profound.
I want to share with you the ups and downs of ministry. I want to cry, rejoice, try and pray with you. Yes, I have friends, but I can only share in part in relation to the common grounds I have with them. For you, I want you to be part of everything I am part of.
Of course, I want to give you strength, encouragement and joy. I want to be there when you are sick and down. I want to trust you, be patient with you and to simply be there.
I want us to be provoke each other to good works. I want us to serve God full heartedly for the mission God has burned in our hearts.
I want to see you after a long day of tiring work, under the flicker of the candle in some far flung place, and be inspired to serve on. Together.
I want to be there as you pray for the homeless. I want to worry for you as you venture out to share God's love. I want you to rebuke me when I forget my purpose.
I want to pray for you as I watch you deliver your sermon. (not that I'm expecting you to be a pastor)
And if you just so happen to be a doctor, I want to make funny faces as you give injections to little children. (more probably they'll still cry because I really don't make good funny faces..haha)
I want to be there when there's not enough money to cover this month's bills after we have given all we have to those who need it far more than we do.
I want to write a book with you! haha. (I hope you are a better writer than I am)
I want you and me to talk to the younger people and encourage them on.
I want you to delight in my quirks and complexities. I want to respect your thoughts and you, as a person. I want to be myself with you and allow yourself to be yourself to me. I want to thank God for you, everyday.
I want to be accepted by you that I can be silent in your presence yet know everything is okay. I want to learn to accept you even though I may not always agree with you. I want to give in to you. I want to serve you. More than that, I want to serve God together with you. You'll cover my inadequacies as I fill yours, complementing each other.
I want you to be my fiercest critic and greatest supporter.
Maybe you exist, maybe not.
But I'm learning to rely on God today.
So that one day, maybe one day, I can rely on Him along with you.
Where are you?
I want to laugh with you, dissect the newspapers with you, "debate" with you over politics.
I know this is not the requests of most girls, but my dream would include showing each other articles that challenge our thoughts and worry together over the fate of homeless children half way across the globe. And fight with you to be the first to read the latest copy of TIME magazine. Or tease you with something I've read, as you reveal something else I don't know.
I want to hear you talk about life. I want to appreciate poetic pictures of AIDS patients with me. I want to look into your eyes when we've been through a particular situation and see my own thoughts reflected in yours. I want you to squeeze my hand as we hear something that inspires. I want to rush and share a particular quote that I've found to be profound.
I want to share with you the ups and downs of ministry. I want to cry, rejoice, try and pray with you. Yes, I have friends, but I can only share in part in relation to the common grounds I have with them. For you, I want you to be part of everything I am part of.
Of course, I want to give you strength, encouragement and joy. I want to be there when you are sick and down. I want to trust you, be patient with you and to simply be there.
I want us to be provoke each other to good works. I want us to serve God full heartedly for the mission God has burned in our hearts.
I want to see you after a long day of tiring work, under the flicker of the candle in some far flung place, and be inspired to serve on. Together.
I want to be there as you pray for the homeless. I want to worry for you as you venture out to share God's love. I want you to rebuke me when I forget my purpose.
I want to pray for you as I watch you deliver your sermon. (not that I'm expecting you to be a pastor)
And if you just so happen to be a doctor, I want to make funny faces as you give injections to little children. (more probably they'll still cry because I really don't make good funny faces..haha)
I want to be there when there's not enough money to cover this month's bills after we have given all we have to those who need it far more than we do.
I want to write a book with you! haha. (I hope you are a better writer than I am)
I want you and me to talk to the younger people and encourage them on.
I want you to delight in my quirks and complexities. I want to respect your thoughts and you, as a person. I want to be myself with you and allow yourself to be yourself to me. I want to thank God for you, everyday.
I want to be accepted by you that I can be silent in your presence yet know everything is okay. I want to learn to accept you even though I may not always agree with you. I want to give in to you. I want to serve you. More than that, I want to serve God together with you. You'll cover my inadequacies as I fill yours, complementing each other.
I want you to be my fiercest critic and greatest supporter.
Maybe you exist, maybe not.
But I'm learning to rely on God today.
So that one day, maybe one day, I can rely on Him along with you.
Thursday, November 24, 2005
In the midst of brokeness
"Two people can break you, either man or God. When man breaks you, you have to pick up your own pieces, but when God breaks you, He'll pick up your pieces and form you into the person that He sees you as."
Tuesday, November 22, 2005
I'm going
In at 180 turn around, I'm going for OA trip...
Lord, I just pray for enough grace to make it through everything AND still do WELL for my exams!
Lord, I just pray for enough grace to make it through everything AND still do WELL for my exams!
Monday, November 21, 2005
No Choice!
What do I want?
I really, really want to go for the Orang Asli mission trip.
Lord, I want to be part of the team. I want to experience going there, being among those who need You. I want to go before I leave for overseas. This might be my only chance for this season of my life as a student in Malaysia. I want to have my eyes opened, I want to be humbled by Your grace, I want to take on new challenges. I want to go! Lord, I really want to.
But.....
It's 5.46 in the morning and I can't sleep.
Responsibilities stalk my mind. I don't want and cannot be a lame-duck person in CF. I need to be faithful in things that You have so graciously entrusted me, Your unworthy person.
I need to study. I need to smile and be a friend without looking at my watch or fretting over lost time. I sit down and just talk, and more importantly listen to those You have impressed on my heart. I must be more sensitive to You, instead of running around without consulting You. I know I am at my worst because I have lost my basics, You.
I don't like to make this decision. I don't like to be a quitter. Lord, You know my desires.
It's far easier occupying my time with many events and feel like I've accomplished something for You instead of to be there for a friend at all times.
It's far easier to talk a lot about You but not put it into practice.
It's far easier to talk about prayer than to pray.
It's far easier to seek church related activities, than to seek the Lord of all.
Yet, I believe You have spoken. Even as I learn to say no to certain things, things that are very good but not necessarily the best for me, teach me to be obedient.
There will be another chance if it's Your will.
But meanwhile, help me be faithful and make a great impact where I am. Not for my own glory, but for You.
Teach me to seek after You first and foremost.
I really, really want to go for the Orang Asli mission trip.
Lord, I want to be part of the team. I want to experience going there, being among those who need You. I want to go before I leave for overseas. This might be my only chance for this season of my life as a student in Malaysia. I want to have my eyes opened, I want to be humbled by Your grace, I want to take on new challenges. I want to go! Lord, I really want to.
But.....
It's 5.46 in the morning and I can't sleep.
Responsibilities stalk my mind. I don't want and cannot be a lame-duck person in CF. I need to be faithful in things that You have so graciously entrusted me, Your unworthy person.
I need to study. I need to smile and be a friend without looking at my watch or fretting over lost time. I sit down and just talk, and more importantly listen to those You have impressed on my heart. I must be more sensitive to You, instead of running around without consulting You. I know I am at my worst because I have lost my basics, You.
I don't like to make this decision. I don't like to be a quitter. Lord, You know my desires.
It's far easier occupying my time with many events and feel like I've accomplished something for You instead of to be there for a friend at all times.
It's far easier to talk a lot about You but not put it into practice.
It's far easier to talk about prayer than to pray.
It's far easier to seek church related activities, than to seek the Lord of all.
Yet, I believe You have spoken. Even as I learn to say no to certain things, things that are very good but not necessarily the best for me, teach me to be obedient.
There will be another chance if it's Your will.
But meanwhile, help me be faithful and make a great impact where I am. Not for my own glory, but for You.
Teach me to seek after You first and foremost.
Make a diagnosis
Check yourself!
If you are depressed at the moment some of the following symptoms may sound familiar:
1) You feel miserable and sad.
2) You feel exhausted a lot of the time with no energy .
3) You feel as if even the smallest tasks are sometimes impossible.
4) You seldom enjoy the things that you used to enjoy-you may be off food or may 'comfort eat' to excess.
5) You feel very anxious sometimes.
6) You don't want to see people or are scared to be left alone. Social activity may feel hard or impossible.
7) You find it difficult to think clearly.
8) You feel like a failure and/or feel guilty a lot of the time.
9) You feel a burden to others.
10) You sometimes feel that life isn't worth living.
11) You can see no future. There is a loss of hope. You feel all you've ever done is make mistakes and that's all that you ever will do.
12) You feel irritable or angry more than usual.
13) You feel you have no confidence.
14) You spend a lot of time thinking about what has gone wrong, what will go wrong or what is wrong about yourself as a person. You may also feel guilty sometimes about being critical of others (or even thinking critically about them).
15) You feel that life is unfair.
16) You have difficulty sleeping or wake up very early in the morning and can't sleep again. You seem to dream all night long and sometimes have disturbing dreams.
17) You feel that life has/is 'passing you by.'
18) You may have physical aches and pains which appear to have no physical cause, such as back pain.
A person can be diagnosed as suffering from clinical depression if:
(A) Five (or more) of the following symptoms have been present during the same 2-week period and represent a change from previous functioning; at least one of the symptoms is either (1) depressed mood or (2) loss of interest or pleasure.
(1) depressed mood most of the day, nearly every day, as indicated by either subjective report (e.g., feels sad or empty) or observation made by others (e.g., appears tearful). Note: In children and adolescents, can be irritable mood.
(2) markedly diminished interest or pleasure in all, or almost all, activities most of the day, nearly every day (as indicated by either subjective account or observation made by others)
(3) significant weight loss when not dieting or weight gain (e.g., a change of more than 5% of body weight in a month), or decrease or increase in appetite nearly every day. Note: In children, consider failure to make expected weight gains.
(4) insomnia or hypersomnia nearly every day
(5) psychomotor agitation or retardation nearly every day (observable by others, not merely subjective feelings of restlessness or being slowed down)
(6) fatigue or loss of energy nearly every day
(7) feelings of worthlessness or excessive or inappropriate guilt (which may be delusional) nearly every day (not merely self-reproach or guilt about being sick)
(8) diminished ability to think or concentrate, or indecisiveness, nearly every day (either by subjective account or as observed by others)
(9) recurrent thoughts of death (not just fear of dying), recurrent suicidal ideation without a specific plan, or a suicide attempt or a specific plan for committing suicide
Okay, I'm not suicidal. But I can check almost all of the 18 symptoms listed above.
So am I depressed?
Can't even get out of bed, want to sleep and sleep only. Don't want to answer phone calls. Read and read and read (non medical stuff) non stop so that I don't need to think. Worry and worry. Feel guilty even in prayer. Clench teeth in sleep. Talk in sleep! (haha, terrible la) Don't feel like eating. Don't feel like talking to people.
Lord, please give me more grace and love, for your mercy is renewed everyday.
Grace to see the best in others.
Grace to carry on, not grudgingly but willingly.
Grace to smile from the wellspring of joy that comes from You.
Grace to accept my faults and move on.
Grace to let go.
Grace to hold on.
Grace to see You.
I know You will see me through.
Thanks Dad!
If you are depressed at the moment some of the following symptoms may sound familiar:
1) You feel miserable and sad.
2) You feel exhausted a lot of the time with no energy .
3) You feel as if even the smallest tasks are sometimes impossible.
4) You seldom enjoy the things that you used to enjoy-you may be off food or may 'comfort eat' to excess.
5) You feel very anxious sometimes.
6) You don't want to see people or are scared to be left alone. Social activity may feel hard or impossible.
7) You find it difficult to think clearly.
8) You feel like a failure and/or feel guilty a lot of the time.
9) You feel a burden to others.
10) You sometimes feel that life isn't worth living.
11) You can see no future. There is a loss of hope. You feel all you've ever done is make mistakes and that's all that you ever will do.
12) You feel irritable or angry more than usual.
13) You feel you have no confidence.
14) You spend a lot of time thinking about what has gone wrong, what will go wrong or what is wrong about yourself as a person. You may also feel guilty sometimes about being critical of others (or even thinking critically about them).
15) You feel that life is unfair.
16) You have difficulty sleeping or wake up very early in the morning and can't sleep again. You seem to dream all night long and sometimes have disturbing dreams.
17) You feel that life has/is 'passing you by.'
18) You may have physical aches and pains which appear to have no physical cause, such as back pain.
A person can be diagnosed as suffering from clinical depression if:
(A) Five (or more) of the following symptoms have been present during the same 2-week period and represent a change from previous functioning; at least one of the symptoms is either (1) depressed mood or (2) loss of interest or pleasure.
(1) depressed mood most of the day, nearly every day, as indicated by either subjective report (e.g., feels sad or empty) or observation made by others (e.g., appears tearful). Note: In children and adolescents, can be irritable mood.
(2) markedly diminished interest or pleasure in all, or almost all, activities most of the day, nearly every day (as indicated by either subjective account or observation made by others)
(3) significant weight loss when not dieting or weight gain (e.g., a change of more than 5% of body weight in a month), or decrease or increase in appetite nearly every day. Note: In children, consider failure to make expected weight gains.
(4) insomnia or hypersomnia nearly every day
(5) psychomotor agitation or retardation nearly every day (observable by others, not merely subjective feelings of restlessness or being slowed down)
(6) fatigue or loss of energy nearly every day
(7) feelings of worthlessness or excessive or inappropriate guilt (which may be delusional) nearly every day (not merely self-reproach or guilt about being sick)
(8) diminished ability to think or concentrate, or indecisiveness, nearly every day (either by subjective account or as observed by others)
(9) recurrent thoughts of death (not just fear of dying), recurrent suicidal ideation without a specific plan, or a suicide attempt or a specific plan for committing suicide
Okay, I'm not suicidal. But I can check almost all of the 18 symptoms listed above.
So am I depressed?
Can't even get out of bed, want to sleep and sleep only. Don't want to answer phone calls. Read and read and read (non medical stuff) non stop so that I don't need to think. Worry and worry. Feel guilty even in prayer. Clench teeth in sleep. Talk in sleep! (haha, terrible la) Don't feel like eating. Don't feel like talking to people.
Lord, please give me more grace and love, for your mercy is renewed everyday.
Grace to see the best in others.
Grace to carry on, not grudgingly but willingly.
Grace to smile from the wellspring of joy that comes from You.
Grace to accept my faults and move on.
Grace to let go.
Grace to hold on.
Grace to see You.
I know You will see me through.
Thanks Dad!
Monday, November 14, 2005
Sunday, November 13, 2005
wedjijdoijsd
I'm very frustrated so...I just want to type nonsense.
sadjaosjdoij oidjoijdfcuhsdif oidajfiuawshd oidahflwuiahdciuhadciyg uehfiawuhfdiuahf audhfiuawdhfo oijfdjwf oij osdiajhfuawshdf wefhiuhwef
Pray for me. I'm losing my patience and my head.
I need to have time out but I can't.
I feel like I'm doing a lot of things that occupy a lot of time yet have no significance.
I get tons of sms everyday, but it's all about official things or other people's interests.
I want to shout in anger, but know I cannot.
I want to shake people but I must smile.
Argh.
Lord.
Grant me wisdom and patience. Grace and more grace.
Be real to me again.
sadjaosjdoij oidjoijdfcuhsdif oidajfiuawshd oidahflwuiahdciuhadciyg uehfiawuhfdiuahf audhfiuawdhfo oijfdjwf oij osdiajhfuawshdf wefhiuhwef
Pray for me. I'm losing my patience and my head.
I need to have time out but I can't.
I feel like I'm doing a lot of things that occupy a lot of time yet have no significance.
I get tons of sms everyday, but it's all about official things or other people's interests.
I want to shout in anger, but know I cannot.
I want to shake people but I must smile.
Argh.
Lord.
Grant me wisdom and patience. Grace and more grace.
Be real to me again.
Wednesday, November 02, 2005
G'Day from Sydney
Half way through my holidays in Sydney now..
It's just so beautiful and simply "wow"! Though I think I now have sunburn from beaing around the beach too much..
It's just so beautiful and simply "wow"! Though I think I now have sunburn from beaing around the beach too much..
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
