Identity

I thought once I got pass my teenage years with my petty insecurities I would be set for life

So it's a little surprising to suddenly find myself grappling with identity again..not so much now the identity in success/beauty/fame but rather my identity in myself and how I relate to the world and God.

How do I be true to my own introverted self and balance that with intentional relationships/friendships-most which get harder and harder to built as people become adults

How do I make the most of weekends/free time off work-to be around people even though it may tire me or hermit myself up; necessary to recharge but sometimes quite anti social?

My sister

I realize some of my blog posts are quite personal-I've been thinking how open I should be...but I've learnt and have been encouraged by other people's openess in blogs. So, even if that means losing my facade-then so be it.....

On the other hand, I have been blessed to have my sister Sab visit me in Sydney for 3-4 weeks.
Apart from getting to do stuff with her, most of all, it's been great to see her growth in God.
Although 4 years younger, she's much more matured in Christ and in love with people's souls. (where as I still go "woe is me" "why is my life not perfect" blah blah blah)

But of course, it's also fun just to have someone to tease and "bully" around..Hahaha

At times

The view from lying down on the grass next to Maroubra beach

I am all for a godly, healthy single life.
And I know that marraige should not be idealized.

But there are times where singleness is just not fun.
Where there is no one to sit in silence with (I don't know why but that's something I miss-must be my introverted nature).

Today somehow the pang of not being truly heard or sought hit me. But at the same time, I am also strangly thankful for my brokeness-it made me stop to pray, it made me remember to support the single missionaries who have far greater challenges on the field, it made me realize how much I need God.

I don't like it. It's not easy.
But in brokeness I am learning to know God deeper.
To learn that He is more than enough.

Bring in the new year

I come from a family with not much traditions.
We've never really celebrated Christmas/Chinese New year/New Year etc.
Being a busy person, my father's idea of a celebration on a public holiday was to stay at home, maybe watch some TV.
Never really had fancy dinners or big gatherings (not helped by the fact that most of our immediate relatives/grandparents are overseas).

Thus I was not particularly excited when the holiday season rolled around this time.
Had a good Christmas but watched the fireworks on new years eve from home as was working the next day.

And when I was asked by my leader what did I anticipate 2011 to be, I gave a noncommital answer
-truth is, I am not sure.
I, a single girl, have to decide what I want to choose in Medicine, where would I want to stay, would I want to go back to Malaysia?
What about the things I want but cannot plan for? Like family and ministry?
Was totally not excited at all about this new year....

Realized while I was praying, that I probably had no expectations because I was afraid of disappointments that come with dashed expectations.
But God is worthy of that trust, and that even if, even if disappointments come, I have to trust that God is far bigger than them....

and thus, although I am feeling quite melancholic now (more so because I start work again after a public holiday today), I will choose to hope in God....