Peel back a bit more

"Oh you are going back even though hols are just for 2 weeks?"
A rush of heat, a prickle of anger escapes.
A dozen of comebacks form.
A sarcastic thought pops "oh, how I wish I was going back simply because I am spoilt and because I have nothing better to do with my money. But I'm going back because she has cancer."
But she decides, just keep quiet, it's not intended after all. Gulp down.

A random article pops in the paper.
An author with the same cancer. Same type even. Same treatment, and twice reoccurance even with treatment.
Another sinking feeling.

People mill about.
How are yous are thrown.
She hesitates.
I'll save my story for another day.

The battle she's fought to be strong.
The distance she deliberately created.
She will not be like other girls who cling on, pester.
No, she won't beg.
She'll stand on her own two feet if he won't stand with her.

The inner wars.
To not blame God. To not blame anyone.
To not blame herself.
To not demand answers.
To still try and try and try to see that there is, there is a silver lining in life.
And maybe that's why the sky does seem bluer, and the flowers brighter,
because when everything has been taken away, the little things become precious.

She knows many will not understand.
But she understands as well why many don't.
She didn't after all, she was far too overwhelmed complaining about exams, about futures of international medical students overseas, where she'll work, about bgrs, about studies, about vista and crappy imu food even! (haha)...about everything worth complaining about until cancer hit her.
And now she truly gets it.
It really hurts.
It really really does.
This is what real pain feels like.
Other things are really frivolous.

She's still tempted at times to think that she has the worst lot in life.
And she knows how dangerous it can be.
After all, no one will fault her for being bitter. Who dares to say anything against her when the word cancer is attached to her last name. She can get away with a lot of complaining! :)
And she knows how judgmental she can be as well when hearing other people's complaints, forgetting that she was once at the same place.

But she knows, she is blessed despite all that has happened.
She won't complain about the cold spell because her patients don't even have a house.
How can she even compare? A man who had swollen legs all the way to his knees because he walked all night because he didn't have a home; it was too dangerous to sleep at night because he'd be raped.
Yes she wished she didn't have to walk alone, yet when she hear the stories of those who were beaten, betrayed and sold on the streets by those they love, she knows their pain is far, far deeper.

Some days she succeeds.
Far more good days than bad now.
Sometimes it still painful. Really painful. She knows most will gloss it over, and again she knows no one understands except those who have walked such paths.

And despite how independent she'd like to be, she knows she can't do it perfectly.
She's still human, she's still a girl.
But because she can't, God can.