Once bitten, twice shy

It is no secret that dramatic things changed my life in ate 2006.
All of a sudden from being on the forefront of ministry, surrounded by friends, sure and secure in what I felt was my calling in life plus fresh from mission trips, everything came to a screeching halt.

Changes in family, in country, in university, church and friends. Questions about churches and God. About life and desires. Dashed dreams, fearful uncertainties. Weary and tearful nights.

Almost 2 years later....praise God some issues have been resolved; the lost of some things, the gain of others. Along the way, maybe I am a more cynical, more calloused, with less hype and less optimism but hopefully because I've learnt that it is not my own manufactured emotions or even what I feel....but what I choose to still believe in.

I admit, half the time it seems so hard to believe God does have a good plan for my life; not to harm me...not to harm my family. Once bitten, twice shy..I really don't know if patience and good boundaries do "pay off." But ya.........


And the pain falls like a curtain
On the things I once called certain
And I have to say the words I fear the most
I just don’t know

And the questions without answers
Come and paralyze the dancer
So I stand here on the stage afraid to move
Afraid to fall, oh, but fall I must
On this truth that my life has been formed from the dust

God is God and I am not
I can only see a part of the picture He’s painting
God is God and I am man
So I’ll never understand it all
For only God is God

And the sky begins to thunder
And I’m filled with awe and wonder
‘Til the only burning question that remains
Is who am I

Can I form a single mountain
Take the stars in hand and count them
Can I even take a breath without God giving it to me
He is first and last before all that has been
Beyond all that will pass

Oh, how great are the riches of His wisdom and knowledge
How unsearchable for to Him and through
Him and from Him are all things

So let us worship before the throne
Of the One who is worthy of worship alone

Scenes

MSF exhibition in the city...which was a windy day and the wrong day to wear a dress, conned by the sun!
Would have been just another gawk and go exhibition but I think what really made it different/good was the way it was conducted where each field worker will take a group of 10 or so and explain/share their experiences from one exhibit to the other.




Floride 2008. A flower festival in Canberra where this year's theme is Australian Movies.




Coogee to Bondi walk before our big Feast (or rather gluttony) of unlimited plates of ribs, steak, fried seafood and mussels cooked in rich white creamy sauce for $25 per person........and which explains why I am so fat now......haha.




"The choice we often face is not between the good and the bad, but between things that matter and things that matter most." VW

Maybe

..it's not always about "high" experiences, gush-able blog posts or victorious proclamations. Nor "testify-able" moments or even the quiet sensing of his presence.

..it's just to keep keeping on. To believe that there will be a new rain when what was a river is now barely a trickle.

..that God is bigger than what I think or feel. I hope.

And so the holidays start...

...with a sleepless night (no thanks to an undisciplined afternoon nap) and a 12 o clock start the day after! (with the sun streaming down my face)
I particularly dislike waking late because it takes away half the day but I always fail and end up snoozing repeatedly over and over.

As with most holidays, I always vow "I must start revising!"
But experience has taught me this is how it would end up:

The night before "Oh I am so tired now. I'll revise tomorrow"
Next day when the alarm rings "Oh it's holidays, you often don't get to sleep in, you have the whole day to do stuff." Snooze, snooze, snooze.
Wake up "Oh it's time for lunch."
Maybe fiddle around the computer checking emails and stalking facebook...2 hours later...
"Oh maybe you should take a shower"
More fiddling around with blogs, the Sydney Morning Herald and The Star newspaper.
And then probably "Oh it's time to cook dinner"
Perhaps followed by a guilty conscience and a half hearted attempt at studying in the night..
and then "Oh I am so tired now. I'll revise tomorrow"

And so the cycle goes on..probably interspaced with some outings and more eating
but always telling myself "You can catch up with studying later, it's Holidays anyway, you have the whole day to study"

till it's Sunday and I would only have 2 pages of highlighted text to show and the end of holidays!

Here's to hoping for a more productive one this time! (although I won't count on it! haha)

Sometimes in life...

You just need to have some fun....

In the mail today...

...I received a statement from my super fund (which is the Australian equivalent of EPF/pension) ya a sign of aging, so old! haha

...a gift from overseas!

...Coles is selling Wheatbix for $2 which is like more than 50% off, kind of random because I don't eat it but told it to someone who does. haha

Port call

I remember as a child growing up in the island with no McDonalds, when Doulos paid a visit. It was so exciting to meet the people on Doulos, visit their bunks and join them for a meal onboard.

The next time Doulos came to Malaysia, I just finished SAM, waiting to go to IMU.
The ship did not seem as big than when I was a child.

And now, five years later (it's almost shocking to think that it's been so long since I've left school and how OLD I am now..) it's here in Sydney. Time flies....or mayb I am just OLD.

Again...

I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know.

You know.
Lord, let that be enough.

A close call

You just never appreciate the things in your life until it goes missing!
Just yesterday I nearly had a mini heart attack when I could not find my planner. It was 12 something at night and I was mentally going through all the problems I would face if it was gone forever. It had my work numbers, my contacts, most importantly 2 log books with hard to get consultant signatures (with marks for each signature) that stretch back from the beginning of this year! And of which I need to qualify to sit for my end of year exam and current exam!

I even resorted to calling the hospital at 1 am in the morning to speak to security just in case someone found it and brought it in. While it could have been misplaced anywhere from the bus to the street, I had a feeling it was possibly lying in ED where I had made phone calls for the registrar. Dramamama also gave good advice and so after prayer and by faith I went to sleep.

Woke up at the crack of dawn today to go to ED and thankfully, it was still there lying beside the telephone. While it was not life and death; it still reminds me that I can go to God even with little hysterical prayers.

On a lighter note

Check out no4!


And from our bank of questions and answers:

198. Imagine you have a narcissistic personality disorder. How would you live your life and relate to other people?

To think that anyone could imagine how a narcissitic person would live their life is ridiculous. I could come up with a million better exam questions than that! Now, personally, I am able to imagine this senario because I happen to have an extremely creative mind. The right side of my brain (that which is involved with creative processes, since you probably didn’t know) is probably more active than most people’s, that is, of course, not to say that my left-brain is inadequate by any means! I actually think I should be exempt from doing this ridiculous exam because I have contributed so much to psychiatry this term. I’m actually pretty bored with it now; I’ve learned everything I need to, and done everything I can. I’m sure I’ve already passed the term anyway, all my registrars have told me how proficient I am at doing a psychiatric interview. I’ll go and get them to tell me again after this though. There are a couple of people who seemed to be liked as well, like that girl Nikki, who climbs mountains while she studies medicine. I can’t stand that! She doesn’t really climb them, she just goes away to Nepal and studies for 5 weeks so she can take the attention away from the really naturally smart people like me. I was friends with her at the beginning of the year, but once I got her notes I didn’t really need to be anymore. I’m now working on Ingvild and Bec, I think they have pretty good notes as well. Now that I’ve wasted so much of my precious time on this question I’m going to be late for my client. You see, I’ve already started to recruit patients, seeing as I’m already so very capable at psychiatry.

---haha!

Because it's Olympics...

Was just reading something from Readers Digest:

During a race in the one man Fin Class sailing competition, Larry Lemieux of Canada was running in second place and was well on his way to a medal ceremony. Suddenly, the sailor spotted Joseph Chan of Singapore, who was competing in a different race, flailing in turbulent water well away from his capsized boat. Chan had been thrown from his small craft and was in danger of drowning in the rough seas.

Lemieux immediately veered off course, sacrificing his chance of winning a medal and ferried Chan back to his overturned boat. Chan and his team mate were then picked up by a rescue boat. Officially, Lemieux finished 11th place in the event but International Olympic Committee President Juan Antonio Samaranch later recognised his act by awarding him the Pierre de Coubertin medal for sportsmanship.

...........................................................................................................

At the most recent Winter Olympiad, Canadian Sarah Renner was leading her team in the gruelling cross country team sprint ski race when her left ski pole snapped. She pushed on, but it seemed hopeless. On an uphill slope, several skiers passed her.

Then something truly extraordinary happened. An unknown man stepped forward from the side of the course and handed Renner another ski pole. She immediately got back in the race and with a mighty effort, managed to make up some of the lost time. In the end, it was enough to capture the silver medal for Canada.

It was not until after the race that Renner learnt the identity of her benefactor. He turned out to be Bjoernar Haakensmoen, the coach of the Norwegian team who finished fourth. Haakensmoen immediately became a hero in Canada. One Montreal newspaper ran a one-word banner headline simply proclaiming, TAKK the Norwegian word for thank you.

Haakensmoen didn't understand all the attention. "The Olympic spirit is the way we try to follow. If you win but don't help somebody when you should have, what win is that?"

(Rd, Aug 2008)
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I guess these two stories have got me thinking of my own selfishness. All of us know that these people train very hard and a medal is a big thing. If I were in those situations what would I do? Even now, in the mundane hospital life I must admit, the "kiasu" spirit prevails where there is a slight tinge of jealousy if another student describes what they got to do or assist or when they saw an interesting patient you missed. Or when I am unwilling to give up some extra sleep or what not to avoid inconveniences. I guess it is sobering to realize, the reality of my selfishness and hopefully repent.

Identity

A few weeks ago, my aunt kindly brought me to watch a play. It was about the Battle of Gallipoli the first war that Australia had participated in as part of the Allied forces.

For starters, I never knew that ANZAC stood for Australian and New Zealand Army Corps. I stay near Anzac Parade, love the Anzac holiday day off and eat Anzac cookies yet didn't know the acronym. Haha.

Anyway, it was very much an Australian patriotic production showing the lives of the young Australians in the battle. I must confess to being a noob, I've sort of heard about the charge of the light calvary (the poem) and WW1 but not much beyond that. It is different to see things from an Australian perspective and for most in attendance like my cousin, they have grown up learning about this in history lessons. Where as I've been learning about Parameswara and the magical deer in the forest..haha.

The thick Australian spirit got me thinking however. If I were to actually stay on in this country, how much of it do I know? More so, how much of Australia do I love and would actually take ownership of especially in the context of a Christian.

How odd is it sometimes to be a 2nd generation Malaysian Chinese living/studying in Australia.
To the Chinese, I am not Chinese enough because I am quintessentially a "banana" yellow on the outside but white on the inside and can't read or write Chinese.
To the Western world, I am pretty Asian in my values, introvertness and even sense of humor.
In Malaysia, I am not Malay yet it is my birthplace and where I grew up. A place where we are not always wanted, sometimes 2nd class citizens but yet at the same time free enough to live in peace.
A person who looks Chinese but who speaks Bahasa Malaysia better than Chinese and thinks in English.

Don't know if you've noticed but we Malaysian Chinese always state our race and nationality as separate, so unlike the Indonesians and Fillipino Chinese who often just state their nationality.

Amy Tan writes about being a 1st generation American Chinese.
Someone should write something about being a double immigrant; a Malaysian Chinese migrating to the western world.

In recent weeks..

...Christmas in July with family in the Blue Mountains.
The chair is classic..and I love creative shops!

Closing night of Hillsong conference
...size vs depth? suited for the masses or alienate but the theological? save "many" or stick to the pure "few"? head knowledge that is not applied? or emotions that are unchecked?
...but for what it's worth, at least some are living what they sing.

...coffee festival


... a road trip with a few friends


On another note, I've not been able to express in words what I am "feeling"
Disillusioned seems to strong a word, "sien" is too flat an expression.

But this hits it right on...

"Within the kaledioscope of my distorted childhood memories is the image of a dusty, deserted road in rural Canada. As I recall it, there were no signs indicating direction or distance to go....
The hour was late and my family and I had been travelling that road for an entire day. We were lost, tired and not a little irritable with one another...

Why not turn back? We had simply traveled too far to do so. Besides, the road had to go somewhere. But where?

The trip had begun with such excitement, an adventuresome spirit about going new places. But now all the zeal had dissipated. I guess we began to wonder why we'd ever left home.

I have often recalled the feelings and frustration of that late-night, dark-road experience whenever my life seemed to be momentarily turn into a mindless or spiritless journey crammed with events (not experiences) and contacts (not relationships)."

Gordon MacDonald, Renewing Your Spiritual Passion.

A day at a time

...."and we will cross that bridge when we get to it," as my consultant psychiatrist always says to his patients.


Indeed.
I cannot look beyond today.

In Australia...

There are lots of beaches...


Lots of wildlife....




And a new species recently discovered!
Postulated to have migrated from the southern island off the coast of Johor.
Natural habitat: Rainforest, temperate region
Eats: Rice and sometimes chilli crabs
BMI: less than 20
Extremely endangered and aggressive animal-do not feed or approach if spotted
May bite!
Looking for female equivalent


Disclaimer: The events depicted in this blog post are fictitious. Any similarity to any person living or dead is merely coincidental.

Haha

During holidays

Be careful what you wish for

It was late 2005, in sem 4 when my family and I visited family in Sydney. Staying in my aunt's place in Randwick, I suddenly had the idea to visit UNSW's campus because I thought it would be great to bring my sisters and see a real uni (as opposed to our "beloved" converted shopping centre IMU).

Since UNSW's library alone is bigger than the whole IMU, it had the library lawn etc etc that we all picture when we think of an overseas uni. And because Sydney Children's Hospital was just next door, I suggested that we pop by and have a look. Bear in mind, at this point, UNSW was not even in my universities transfer list and I was pretty set since entering IMU to go on to UK (since I decided not to take up a 1st yr offer in UNSW med).

I remember that we went and took pictures of the Fairy Garden and a grand rounds was just finishing in the lecture theater. Just casually I thought wow this is a nice place. I would love to be working here. I never ever thought I would actually end up living in Sydney of all places. My university did not even twin with UNSW!

Now, 2+++yrs onwards, I still sometimes struggle to find the reason God has brought me to Sydney. In some ways, I would have maybe gone crazy if I actually went to the UK and had classes while my mum had the diagnosis of cancer. Not having the 6 months holiday of staying with her in KL. And in many ways, having family here has been heaps helpful as well.

Yet, dashed dreams as well, and seriously unsure even about what God actually wants of my life. If I had ended up in UK, it was almost 100% sure I would have gone back to Malaysia after postgrad years. It's less clear in Australia where there's family here as well, and plus how He has stirred me here. And even more surprising the twists and turns. The selfish me pre med school would never want to go back to Malaysia and then He changed me to die to self after a long protracted struggle (UK and back home, some more for me to share it with others, ah!) and then suddenly change again. How can He do this to me! Haha :)

Now I cannot even say where I will end up...who knows I might even go back after graduation? Or go to another country? I don't know.

Anyway, I just find it ironic that I am back at Sydney Children's Hospital.
Indeed, be careful what you wish or even utter, God hears everything!

Playing truant

My favourite 2nd hand bookstore where you can get a coffee and read

Rows of books and a latte (btw, can anyone enlighten me on the difference between a flat white and a latte?)

I think this song speaks for itself.

Many are the words we speak
Many are the songs we sing
Many kinds of offerings
But now to live the life

Many are the words we speak
Many are the songs we sing
Many kinds of offerings
But now to live the life

Help us live the life
Help us live the life
All we want to do is bring you something real
Bring You something true

(We hope that) Precious are the words we speak
(We pray that) Precious are the songs we sing
Precious all these offerings
But now to live the life

Help us live the life
Help us live the life
All we want to do is bring you something real
Bring You something true

Help us live the life
Help us live the life
All we want to do is bring you something real
Bring You something true

Now to go the extra mile
Now to turn the other cheek
And to serve You with a life
Let us share your fellowship
Even of your sufferings
Never let the passion die...
Now to live the life...
Now to live the life
Now to live the life
Now to live the life

24

That day we met at her parents' house, Rolake and I sat outside watching the bustle in the streets, snacking on fried plantain chips she bought from a passing child vendor. I asked her if she ever felt it was unfair, her infection, and the way that HIV had hijacked her life, thrusting her into this role of activism. She shook her head vehemently.....

...."At this point, HIV is just one of the five hundred things going on in my life."
"Being lonely is bigger than HIV in my life. I'm not alone-I live at home with my parents, I have friends-but it's incredibly lonely. Because the things I want to do, the things I really want to say, there's nobody to say them to. What you call beautiful nonsense, you know-I have nobody to do that with and that's incredibly lonely."


A personal book of 28 stories of people with HIV in Africa.
I must confess that the names of countries do blur into one, even some stories may almost be stereotypical of what we expect of a continent associated with poverty. Yet, stories that remind again and again, this is a broken world where there is so much need for justice and compassion. Grace and mercy.