What's normal?

They were still playing with the resident cat on the ward, smiling at nurses, eagerly eating free ice cream from the fridge.
Only 8 and 10. Was to be their first day back at school but they weren't in their uniforms.

Their father had passed on only an hour or two before.

I can't help but wonder, do they understand the true impact of how their lives have changed?
The "trials" in my life are mere blips compared to theirs and it's a good month for me if I don't tear.
How life can be hard without a father?

But maybe they do; their mother smiled in her sobs as she showed the last pictures of her husband. That eating ice cream and simply going on with life is what's life about.

A crack of vulnerability

I think one of the hardest things of last year was moving to a completely foreign country, suddenly jammed into 4th year as the pioneer batch from a university no one here knows about and then having to rebuild friendships from scratch.

Which by and large is not too far away from what everyone else in IMU experiences when we are suddenly scattered around the world; but fresh from the harrowing experiences of cancer, I struggled to give and listen to airy descriptions of what I did during the weekend nor did not know how to answer "how are yous"
Do you be honest and tell the whole emotional drama to a person whom you only know by name and faculty? And it was a dilemma, for I was dying to have deep conversations yet if a stranger was to walk up to me and poured out their life story, I'd probably freak out!

How do you ask your church friends whom you've probably only meet a few times "How does a loving God fit into the picture of death?" And like it or not, I was not there and am not there as some of my closest friends struggle thousands of kilometers away, vice versa it is unfair of me to expect them to be there all the time.

And even follow up seems a little disjointed. I speak to my pastors back home and then I speak to my pastors here, my pastors back home know me and work through some things; the pastors here know me as I struggle through my current issues. Which is working alright at the moment; but it does take effort and coordination (of which I am grateful to my leaders for being so patient and gracious with me!)

Also, in a sense I've always pathologically looked up to him as the leader. More than expecting calls or emails, I guess what I was really looking for at that point was someone who'd work with me through my theological questions and doubts. Where when my father himself was troubled and my mother needed all the comfort and assurance, where when I had to bridge the gap for my younger sisters, someone who would listen, whom it would be alright to say "I really want to believe in God but I am struggling to." "I am hurting, I don't know where else to turn to because even God seems far now, help me, pray with me"
Though it was not his fault and yes, he has been gracious and respectful so yea don't send flaming emails to him. Haha.

I blame palliative care for bringing up all these emotions again!
But in an essence, I guess I am learning to live out what I always used to sing.....
(blindly and in ignorance!! A song, and along with many songs After cancer (AC,haha) I wished I've never sung without thinking...)

"You're all I want, You're all I've ever needed. You're all I want. Help me know You are near."

So yea, is He really all we want? All we need?
Is He really enough for us when things are stripped away?

My sister,

.....is going to the best uni in the world, haha, in my own biased opinion.

IMU dentistry!
and twinning to Oz!
Congrats babes. Haha.

A demonstration of IMU's lameness:

The weight of wings

You have heard me tell of Gladys Aylward, the 'small woman' of China, whom I heard speak many years ago at Prairie Bible Institute in Alberta. She told how when she was a child she had two great sorrows. One, that while all her friends had beautiful golden hair, hers was black. The other, that while her friends were still growing, she stopped. She was about four feet ten inches tall. But when at last she reached the country to which God had called her to be a missionary, she stood on the wharf in Shanghai and looked around at the people to whom He had called her.

"Every single one of them," she said, "had black hair. And every single one of them had stopped growing when I did. And I said, 'Lord God, You know what You're doing!'"
Elisabeth Elliot

And so, surprisingly I feel different arriving back; not quite so damp anymore
a wee bit more hopeful with a tinge of expectation and a dash of excitement.

I choose to be hopeful even though hope opens the possibility of dashed expectations.
I choose to trust that He knows what He's doing.

Sydney is my home, for this season.

For now..

I am so unprepared to start clinical school again on Monday!
Having arrived only in Dec and starting so soon, I don't feel rested enough.

And I am starting with a "great" block, palliative care.
For one thing, our medical blocks are randomly allocated and I already did an oncology block for my 1st posting last year. Is it a coincidence?

Have had great conversations.
It has convinced me more than ever, God does answer prayers but in ways we never imagined.
That those close are going deep because we prayed that we as a group of believers in IMU wanted to be doctors/health professionals who made a difference, who understood compassion. For until and unless we have wrestled with the questions of suffering, doubt and pain how can we ask dying people to look to God? How callous and shallow of us if we do.

The paradox

As my youngest sister and I were just talking, her statements surprised me.

"When so many bad things happen, you end up feeling "whatever."New bad news doesn't make you so sad anymore, but you also don't feel happy when good things come. You become numb."

I am not surprised at the statement itself, because it's been what I've felt this year. My sobering surprise was that she, at 17, have lost the innocence and rose colored glasses while I only woke up to this rude reality called life at 21.

As I look back at this year, I am still at a lost to respond correctly to God/people.

A new sensitivity awaken; to participate in the fellowship of suffering.

This post is a new year request to pray for the following people.
People I hold with regard, whom I cry for; because if it hurts so bad in my own minor hiccups, I know the struggle must be so much more magnified in theirs.

1) The Chin family.

I can only marvel at their love for God. The choice they made in staying in a tiny village away from Phomn Pehn, where there's no electricity or running water! For Ps Kenneth to give up his engineering career. Learning a new language. The kids who are home schooled, not having a fridge let alone a TV or internet.

And yet there's a deeper story still, because their son Jonathan has a hole in his heart. Having been to Cambodia, the rural hospitals are such that cows graze 50 meters away, where not every hospital has electricity (forget about basics like X-rays or even sterilizing equipment). Yet they are willing to take up their cross and obey.
Do pray that God's favor will rest upon this family and their ministry.

2) My grandmother
When I came back in July this year, I actually made an emergency flight from KL to Sibu and back in 1 day because my grandfather was deteriorating. I've never spoken of it, but it was depressing as he was nose-fed and had both legs amputated to his thighs. Ever since his dementia, she was his primary care giver. He passed away on my birthday this year.

Due to my bad Hokkien we have rarely spoken deeply. And my mother has had her own cancer thing to deal with at the same time, so it's hard to physically show care and His love to my grandmother.
Do pray for her that, although I don't know how, she will know this God who love enough to die for us.

3) Our IMU senior
It's odd because I've never met this guy and don't know him personally.
Yet when I read his site, I couldn't help but feel for him as well.
Perhaps there's a sense of connection from reading all the get well messages from IMU CFers around the world on his blog. Perhaps because he was/is part of IMU (IMC) CF.

A man at the peak of his career; coming out of this unknown med uni in Malaysia called IMU, going overseas, probably with the big financial sacrifice of his family and finally making it in Mayo Clinic. A man who has chosen a tough specialty, Onco/Haem. And from the request IMU CF recently received from SAD's Charlene to pray for him, most likely a very active Christian during his student days in IMU. For more info, visit his site as I can't write what I have no 1st hand knowledge about.
Do pray that God will be gracious and watch over him and his fiancee.


There are more friends, people I do care about but I just can't list out as due to privacy/ respect. Pray for them and me included, that in the ups and downs in life, somehow beyond human understanding, He will be more than enough.