..not to be jealous, hearing different stories. Of course am really happy and glad for the numerous joyful testimonies of God's providence in their lives.
A year has passed and I feel I've taken so many steps back instead.
Perpetually fighting 1 setback after another; rejection, useless dreams, dilemmas and death
Even scarier to sit with my mentors and be told that this season might last years!
But one day at a time.
If I don't trust in God, there's nothing left to trust in
Monday, December 24, 2007
Monday, December 17, 2007
Saturday, December 15, 2007
After a long time
A few posts back, I wrote about this
After being away for a year, it was interesting to return back to the streets of Chow Kit.
As it drizzled prior to starting, the humidity mixed with the fumes of the traffic in addition to the clouds of cigarette smoke nearly choked the atmosphere under the tent. Yet the stench from the nearby garbage dump did not dampen the appetites of those who were gathered. Just a few familiar faces I recognize, I wonder where the others I knew have gone; prison? a changed life? death?
Grey hairs have started to colour Ps Richard's hair, no doubt the opening of another drug rehab home specially for women is busy work. The street ministry has grown even more than what I read about; there's now another street feeding at the same time in Brickfields, ministering to the dumb and deaf.
Since Christmas is coming near, a cell group has came to sing carols. The significance of the song Away in the Manger hits home as the voices strain to compete with the honking from the streets. No crib for his bed, indeed, many of those there had no real home.
I feel awkward returning, I struggle to speak my terrible Mandarin and my Bahasa now has a weird accent. Also, now I feel more comfortable hiding behind my medical knowledge; I found it easier to talk to a man about cutting down on smoking rather than about Jesus. Plus they are suspicious of me as well, a stranger. I used to know the regulars and they were my friends.
The visit back has tug a few heart strings. I am encouraged that the IMU juniors are trying to go every forthnight. I used to sell this ministry to CF and cg to not much success and yet a group of juniors I don't know have chose to go. Which I feel is God's timing as if people went during my time, I would have probably claimed the credit but now, it is God's.
Yet with it comes the reminder of my lost dreams. Certain things I dare not even hope or think about because the future is so fluid, unpredictable.
Anyway, I had pictures but silly me forgot to bring back my camera cable.
After being away for a year, it was interesting to return back to the streets of Chow Kit.
As it drizzled prior to starting, the humidity mixed with the fumes of the traffic in addition to the clouds of cigarette smoke nearly choked the atmosphere under the tent. Yet the stench from the nearby garbage dump did not dampen the appetites of those who were gathered. Just a few familiar faces I recognize, I wonder where the others I knew have gone; prison? a changed life? death?
Grey hairs have started to colour Ps Richard's hair, no doubt the opening of another drug rehab home specially for women is busy work. The street ministry has grown even more than what I read about; there's now another street feeding at the same time in Brickfields, ministering to the dumb and deaf.
Since Christmas is coming near, a cell group has came to sing carols. The significance of the song Away in the Manger hits home as the voices strain to compete with the honking from the streets. No crib for his bed, indeed, many of those there had no real home.
I feel awkward returning, I struggle to speak my terrible Mandarin and my Bahasa now has a weird accent. Also, now I feel more comfortable hiding behind my medical knowledge; I found it easier to talk to a man about cutting down on smoking rather than about Jesus. Plus they are suspicious of me as well, a stranger. I used to know the regulars and they were my friends.
The visit back has tug a few heart strings. I am encouraged that the IMU juniors are trying to go every forthnight. I used to sell this ministry to CF and cg to not much success and yet a group of juniors I don't know have chose to go. Which I feel is God's timing as if people went during my time, I would have probably claimed the credit but now, it is God's.
Yet with it comes the reminder of my lost dreams. Certain things I dare not even hope or think about because the future is so fluid, unpredictable.
Anyway, I had pictures but silly me forgot to bring back my camera cable.
Sunday, December 09, 2007
And as I was passing by..
...on transit, there was a large group of men waiting in the airport lounge. Of east-Asian origin, their clothes showed their humble backgrounds while they laid down on the floor on their white woven bags, resting from a long flight. Their agent, a rather fierce looking middle aged woman stood clutching a swath of passports and documents.
Rather unkindly but in all honesty, the 1st thought that crossed my mind when passing this group was "I hope they are not on my flight!" for there was a slight stench, probably as many had not had a shower since travelling miles? from their home village to the city to catch their flight.
Yet after moving into the waiting area, looking at them from across the glass partition, I was reminded that in many ways we have much in common, only that my family's migration happened 60+ years earlier in a time where laws and citizenships were fluid.
Both my grandfathers migrated from famine striken China to Malaysia and had blue collar jobs where my maternal grandfather started of as a labourer in the docks carrying goods. It's only by God's grace and hard work, our family is what it is today.
The men waiting out there had poorer prospects. Most will have to work hard, construction jobs for perhaps Rm10-20 (USD 3-5) per day. All have left their families and will not see them for the next 3-5 years.
And this is why I really love and believe in the work of my church who have started a Nepali and Bahasa service. Of people who have sacrificed their time to care for these people; my maid's cell group leader is a rich Chinese man who picks all the maids up for cell group in his house every Wednesday.
Indeed, despite the NEP policy that has forced us to study privately and overseas, in comparison to other migrants, we are still blessed.
Rather unkindly but in all honesty, the 1st thought that crossed my mind when passing this group was "I hope they are not on my flight!" for there was a slight stench, probably as many had not had a shower since travelling miles? from their home village to the city to catch their flight.
Yet after moving into the waiting area, looking at them from across the glass partition, I was reminded that in many ways we have much in common, only that my family's migration happened 60+ years earlier in a time where laws and citizenships were fluid.
Both my grandfathers migrated from famine striken China to Malaysia and had blue collar jobs where my maternal grandfather started of as a labourer in the docks carrying goods. It's only by God's grace and hard work, our family is what it is today.
The men waiting out there had poorer prospects. Most will have to work hard, construction jobs for perhaps Rm10-20 (USD 3-5) per day. All have left their families and will not see them for the next 3-5 years.
And this is why I really love and believe in the work of my church who have started a Nepali and Bahasa service. Of people who have sacrificed their time to care for these people; my maid's cell group leader is a rich Chinese man who picks all the maids up for cell group in his house every Wednesday.
Indeed, despite the NEP policy that has forced us to study privately and overseas, in comparison to other migrants, we are still blessed.
Tuesday, December 04, 2007
As I was reading
....something today, questions about faith, life and God struck me
While I don't hope for everyone to have cancer and do rejoice in good news, does it mean that my own prayers were crap? I remember praying after the biopsy that the result would just be a momentary scare, that I would resume my job at IMU and our family would be normal again. So did I have not enough faith then?
More importantly, do I not have enough faith that the cancer is gone? Will the cancer come back just because I don't have enough faith or fail to pray enough? What's enough and what's not?
This too might reek of jealousy and self righteousness but here goes.
When my good friend and I started to pray together, we in similar situations; holding each other accountable and sharing our lives. Yet 3 years down the track she has entered a new season while I'm kind of lost. And despite my efforts in "guarding" myself, it still stung and happened the worst possible moments. Twice.
Of course, objectively I also don't deserve some of the blessings lavished on me.
My salvation, my close knitted family, the opportunity to be educated. I could have been born in squalor, abused and enslaved. I did survive a 360 deg car crash unharmed. And yes although cancer is bad, I do acknowledge as well that we are still blessed as we can afford to pay for treatment. Plus I am sitting here typing this with high speed broadband and running electricity which puts me in the top 10% of people in the world*, so I don't really have a case to argue! :)
No wonder there is such a warning against the "prosperity gospel" because it surely does make light of the countless other Christians who suffer in other parts of the world. It is still something I'm working on to balance the Charismatic faith-claiming along with the reality of the cross.
*estimated figure only with no sources to back me up..but u get my point! haha
While I don't hope for everyone to have cancer and do rejoice in good news, does it mean that my own prayers were crap? I remember praying after the biopsy that the result would just be a momentary scare, that I would resume my job at IMU and our family would be normal again. So did I have not enough faith then?
More importantly, do I not have enough faith that the cancer is gone? Will the cancer come back just because I don't have enough faith or fail to pray enough? What's enough and what's not?
This too might reek of jealousy and self righteousness but here goes.
When my good friend and I started to pray together, we in similar situations; holding each other accountable and sharing our lives. Yet 3 years down the track she has entered a new season while I'm kind of lost. And despite my efforts in "guarding" myself, it still stung and happened the worst possible moments. Twice.
Of course, objectively I also don't deserve some of the blessings lavished on me.
My salvation, my close knitted family, the opportunity to be educated. I could have been born in squalor, abused and enslaved. I did survive a 360 deg car crash unharmed. And yes although cancer is bad, I do acknowledge as well that we are still blessed as we can afford to pay for treatment. Plus I am sitting here typing this with high speed broadband and running electricity which puts me in the top 10% of people in the world*, so I don't really have a case to argue! :)
No wonder there is such a warning against the "prosperity gospel" because it surely does make light of the countless other Christians who suffer in other parts of the world. It is still something I'm working on to balance the Charismatic faith-claiming along with the reality of the cross.
*estimated figure only with no sources to back me up..but u get my point! haha
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