The time has come

for..

cue suspense music...


Yea yea yea, it's time to *ahem* like what Soon Guan says, camwhore!


Since I think I'd be internetless for 3 weeks soon...I must post these pictures of my really awesome CG. ;)

One with the guys

And the "lame" juniors. Proof of lameness can be found at Crz & Troy's blogs.

Eg:

what disease makes u laugh??
ans : Hep P (copyright, Crz 2007)

yes, it's cool to be lame in IMU.

Yea Soon Guan, just like what the lady said "You'd regret your cheesy post 2 years later."

Ah, the girls!

It's true that I didn't get to know a lot of you better.
Would have loved to hear MORE crapping by M1/06s. Haha

But seriously, to have deeper heart to heart conversations. To help each other through various life turmoils. Have been too overwhelmed by my own and for this, I apologize!

Thanks guys, for bringing variety in my otherwise boring med school life. Haha.
The engineers, the pharmacists, the computer IT specialists, bio specialists, the business tycoons, the mass com cum law trained, the lame doctors.. C yea soon.

The trip that wasn't

it promised to be a trip with lots of pictures, lots of good food (or so I've heard from the ever patriotic homebred), lots of great company (lame juniors & eating sprees). The last retreat I'd get to join & of all places; we are going...to Sitiawan




it's not that I'm really desperate to go there or anything.
but how ironic/frustrating it is when 1 hour before I'm to leave....yet again, I can't go because of complications.


just 2 days of escapism..from the crushing burden and pain. Yea, sounds so dramatic, "crushing burden and pain" yet it's true. So many complications & extra hospital visits I don't even bother to tell anyone about anymore. Too many to mention. Too painful to recall.




reading & talking to other ppl makes me wish, if only trying to keep the weight limit of 30kgs were the biggest problem that kept me awake, or if exams were the worst thing that could ever happen to my life. How I wish I could rant about uni schedules or the weather. Because I would gladly trade places for their worst problems.
(of course, I know there are others with even worst problems than mine and would probably be rolling their eyes at what I'm writing now)






Life is painful.



The more you win in love, the more you stand to lose.

Joy shared is doubled

In all honesty, when the name flashed on my mobile a mixture of hope & cautiousness descended.

Because I can't imagine being at the other end, and the results this time would determine a lot. No more tries after this.



But twice, it was good news.




I know both will be good doctors to be.
And even better followers of Christ.

Am ecstatic for them both.
(& I know the next time I'd be feeling this is when CSAW *yes got it right this time* calls me) ;)




Hearing their relieved voices, I guess perhaps all the whys fade away when the final reward is granted..

While this is not my time...

Sigh, I really wish I can go but I just can't right now.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

From the email:
I have spoken with Rev Timothy regarding how many teams they can host for this coming weekend.

His feedback is 3 teams of 10 people each. These 30 people need to be able-bodied and be able to lift things and do work, as there will be clean-up work as well as distribution of provisions / assistance at relief centres involved. After this weekend, they'd be able to gauge the manpower and provisions needs for the next few weekends.

All 3 teams will have to set off from PJ at around 5:30 am Saturday morning, as it takes about 4 hrs to get to Skudai. They will have to bring sleeping bags with them, and will be housed by JB Wesley Methodist Members or at the church itself. Please be prepared to be flexible and accommodating.

The 3 teams will also need to bring provisions, the special supplies which they have requested. Pr Daniel's instructions are that they can purchase the supplies first and claim from the DUMC Emergency Relief Fund when they return. (need to claim with receipts) He suggested that each team buys about RM2 -3 K worth first for this trip. After this trip the teams will be able to tell how much more is needed.

Team One
From Skudai, one team will work with Pr Thomas Fang (Emmanuel Assembly of God) to do clean up work, and to visit flood relief centres to help. They are helping with Kampung Laut, Skudai, which was the village featured on TV3 on the 8 pm news last night. That village was devastated by the recent floods.

Team Two and Three
Two teams will go to Kota Tinggi where the recent floods was up to 17 feet high. (almost cover the 2 storey shop houses also). The clean up work here will be heavy work. Teams need to be prepared to do work.

Mr Lee of Segamat Wesley is coming back to me with more specific information on the 7 welfare homes.

Used Clothing: Each pack (for an average family of parents with 3 children) to include

• 2 sets of Men's clothing - include t-shirt and trousers
  
• 2 sets of Women's clothing - include blouses / t-shirt or trousers / skirts / dresses / baju kurung
  
• 6 sets of Children's clothing (various sizes)
  

PJN1 - 15
PJN2 - 15
PJN3 - 15
PJN4 - 15
PJS1 - 15
PJS2 - 15
KL - 10

Please bring the packs to DSP this weekend where transport will be arranged to send them to JB. If the teams going can bring their own packs of clothing, please let me know how many packs they've brought for coordination purposes. Thanks.

Can I ask if any zones can commit to go this weekend? Pls confirm.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

I know my readership is so insignificant that I don't think this makes any diff at all, but to those who can go, do go!

It's times like this I actually wish I'm back in IMU cuz wow, the cf could go together & even get sponsorship money from IMU...!

Just for fun

A certain Miss Someone's hotel house. With fountains and dance/gym rooms!
and there's like...a Japanese dining area, a formal dining area, a breakfast dining area...

and this is just 1/100 of the whole mansion.



Haha, see I've posted something.

And so...

...was supposed to be in KLIA by now to catch the 6am flight to down under











...but things change


In a way, it's good.

Some things...

Newspaper wrapped, lined with transparent plastic tau pau of steaming hot “pak kut wong” (pork ribs)
As a “siew yeh” (supper)

A man, dressed in the white thin singlet and black shorts; coming back at night, asking his children “lei sek” (come and eat) as the small kids hurriedly unfold the wooden brown chairs and crowd round him.

He unfolds the precious bounty. Their eyes light up.

“Lou po, lei sek” he calls out excitedly.

The mother comes out .

She lunges at him and hits him with tears streaming down her face.
“I told you to stop gambling. Why are you gambling again? Why? Why?”

(Obviously I don’t know how to type the rest in Romanized Cantonese without massacring the correct pronunciation)

He shields his arms to soften the blows.

“I didn’t gamble. I promise.” He shouts above the din.

“How did you get the money to buy this? Don’t lie” she shrieks, heartbroken.

“I sold my blood.”


.....


I no longer remember what movie this scene was from. Must have been one of those Cantonese dramas screened over TV2 (ha, so old).

But this scene is still vivid in the head.

So is the memory watching the next table in a hot crowded coffee shop; the middle aged father picking up a piece of chicken with his chopsticks from his plate and placing it at his teenage son’s.

Or the childhood memories of carefully wrapping candy from a party in tissue paper; to be shared with sisters later back home.

How grandmothers or grandfathers who aren’t “western” enough to say “I love you” but lug packets and packets of food whenever they visit.

'twas the nite before Christmas

It's always been a slight pet peeve for me when some forget to reply msgs or emails.
The reckoning was, it doesn't take less than 2 minutes or 5cents to send a reply.

Which is why it was always a personal policy for me to try and reply everything asap
Delaying/conveniently forgetting felt like a lack of value on the friendships.

And, maybe it's a girl thing, but sending out exam/birthday wishes to the various batches/cg members/cf ppl was rated priority. Sort of like a "hey, it's hasn't flown out of my ear, i do remember what you said and hope you're ok+all the best 4 exams" kind of thing.

Always felt it showed a personalized touch; a small touch, but an effort nonetheless to practice what we talk so much about making cf/cg a place where ppl count.






...but now I find myself in the opposite end where emails pile up unanswered, smses languishing in the in-box. To make matters worst, it's all from dear friends and new contacts from UNSW friends to be.

...somehow I do not know how to answer to the how are yous.

...sadly it also shows a diminishing desire to actually look out for people; to care

...an isolation; the reluctance to hang out...as scary as it is to admit this: because subconsciously envy creeps in when everyone else seem so happy and normal

...and a real fear; that if I struggle to even hang out with my truest friends, how can I endure the superficiality of new friendships in Oz? I'd probably just be locking myself in the room everyday! *shudders* & worst, as a result miss the "opportunity" so many ppl have been prodding about.




...to those who are reading this, sem3s and sem5s God bless for EOS. I've not forgotten ;)
...or the cg even though we haven't been meeting up
...apologies for the non-replies; we'll pick up where we left off when I get better



Prayers for this "terrible don't reply girl Sarah" as her Christmas gift is welcomed.

Take care because I do care even though I'm too sick to say it.

Why I should be kicked out of med school...

Something to offset the overly excessive emo-ness of this blog

Was reading through an O & G book when I reached this chapter...

Chapter 30: Uterus Smaller Than Dates.

(in my head-emmm..that's really unusual! What kind of pathological cause can cause the uterus to be smaller than dates?)

Never mind, will read further...


(mentally starting to imagine the uterus size...and the possible causes of uterus smaller than dates.......like seriously, what can cause the uterus to shrink so much! this is really interesting)

so power: using mental imaging while reading somemore...



From book: About 30-40% of cases in the 3rd trimester have uteri smaller than dates.

(so many cases with uterus smaller than dates??? How come I've never heard of this!?)

And so it actually took me a few MINUTES to comprehend that


Uterus smaller than dates actually meant:
Uterus size is smaller than the date of gestational age/date of pregnancy



AND NOT what I thought

Uterus smaller than dates means
Uterus size is smaller than DATES (dates as in the fruit date)!



No wonder I thought it was pretty strange for a pregnant woman's uterus to shrink to the size of a fruit date ...(which would measure 3cm tops)

& was so curious as in to what kind of weird pathology could cause such an unusual thing to happen!

-------------------------------------------------------------------

wait a minute:
now I'm not only an emo person, but in addition a terribly frightening medical student!


haha.

Filler

Another reason why IMU is missed...
We're never too afraid to make fun of ourselves, lecturers included!

JPJ's presentation on Friday nite. Didn't go though...



The lecture hall up on the 3rd floor,
That's where we teach you all;
And Mr Student he came by,
To sit-in for a lecture.

He'd had his lunch, a very large lunch,
He'd eaten way too much;
Soon he is yawning, now he's asleep,
And snoring loudly away.

Oh my Sleeping Child, your mouth's so wide,
That you're drooling wild, on your side
There's one reason why,
I'll wake you up Sleeping Child.

If all the students around the world
They had a mind like yours;
We'll have no learning and no brains
There'll be ignorant fools on Earth

If all the Deans and all the parents,
Could see you here this way;
You won't be matched for PMS,
You'll be staying here for life.

Oh my Sleeping Child, your mouth's so wide,
That you're drooling wild, on your side
There's one reason why,
I'll wake you up Sleeping Child.

I'm gonna fire you Sleeping Child.
Send you away from the class so mild
Keep you away from the class,
Away from the class, outside.

Oh my Sleeping Child, your mouth's so wide,
That you're drooling wild, on your side
There's one reason why,
I'll take you out Sleeping Child.



Can't wait for the CF christmas video to be up!

aftertaste

...

plunges

enforces that there must be something wrong/deformed within

...

where's the err?
forgive Lord, because i can't even identify my own missteps

...

so much advice; all not wrong, but all not quite right

...

spinning again

...

"Imagine you can only know one thing in the world," he says, "and that one thing is that you don't know anything." Staff Sgt. Jason Welsh
http://www7.nationalgeographic.com/ngm/0612/feature3/multimedia.html

...

0.5, 0.8 wbc
keratin loss
5+ am ER wake ups. twice in 2 days

...

if it's never, obliterate. please.

...

only You

...

it hurts.

...

only You

I'm begining to love tears

cuz everything seems more bearable & perspectives become clearer after a good long cry.

It only takes 24 hours

It's a wonder how fast the perceptions about someone or something can change in the blink of an eye, a fragment of news.

Most of the times unexpected.
For better or for worst.

Like stumbling upon something unexpected, uncomfortable.



Yet in the same day, a small but amazing shift of perceptions.

You know how we vista people often ignore the guards that controlled the electronic gates. Either never truly noticed them or when we did, blamed them for the thefts and incompetence.

Today as Philip was winding the window to pass his driving licence to the guard in Vista B we caught the guard talking on the phone in a language. Joan was asking Philip what he was saying and Philip mentioned that the guard was a nepali.

Just so happened that DUMC was organizing Christmas party for the Nepali workers. The pastor announced in the service to pass flyers to the parking attendants, the labourers or any of the Nepali workers we met. Of course it just flew in and out of my ear immediately, because I didn't really care.

But Joan, a 1 year Christian said, "hey let's pass the flyer to the guard"

Which was a bold suggestion because like I said, I as a former vista person don't really like the guards, preferring to get out of their way, suspicious and afraid they'll trail me to my apartment. Plus she actually remembered the announcement.

And when Philip drove out and passed the flyer to the guard, the guard was amazed and happy that someone would invite him. He mentioned he was a Christian and went to a church in Jalan Alor. He was interested in attending the service, and told us he'd contact the numbers on the flyer.

Funny how we/I don't really care about things that we think have nothing to do with us/me. Yet it could make a difference, no matter how tiny.

Even if eventually the guard doesn't go to the party, at least tonite, he knows that someone cared enough to invite him.

My own changed perception of a guard.


The God of small things.

In a week

A peak into everyday life
Every morning at 7am

Neighbourhood coffee shop

The few pleasures in life: Newspapers, hot noodles, coffee early in the morning & the bliss of not having to rush through the papers...(newspaper addict)
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Chemo: 1 down, 5 to go

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Half of my stuff are in Sydney already! Courtesy of my aunts who came to KL.
The irony of life: A featherdown quilt & winter jacket; presents from my aunts last year supposedly for UK life have travelled from Sydney to KL and are now back in Sydney.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

While it's easy to laugh at the religious authorities for majoring on the minor; detaining a body, imposing 500 fines on incident dressing when they miss the point of real worship & obedience... how often I forget that I am doing the same thing as well.

I admit I was being judgemental over a seperate issue this week that's none of my business anyway, haha.
But just like it's easier to see the speck in the eye of another instead of the plank in one's own eye; I guess, there's a lesson for myself to learn as well.

That I must watch out. Hold on to principles. Be flexible but not bendable.

That it's not about the inches on how short a shirt I will/wouldn't wear in Oz, nor how close is too close, how many glasses; the majoring of the minors..
but rather who I want to be, who I will worship...and how will the worship translate into my actions. That when the major is not minored, the minor will be majored easily.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Don't trust the emo-ness

I realized I posted a mistake.


If any of you happen to read it..ignore it.
Emotional people at 2.29 am write lots of nonsense.

:)

Malaysia Malaysia

Credits: It's a durian life & Kee's world.

The silence

...has been deliberate

Another surgery has passed, chemotherapy next. Roller coaster emotions. Love hurts. I want to get breast cancer instead.

A hesitancy to share anymore.

Impaired yes, but disabled no.

Impairment: Any loss of abnormality of psychological, physiological, or anatomical structure or function.
Disability: Any restriction or lack (resulting from an impairment) of ability to perform an activity in the manner or within the range considered normal for a human being.

I realize that no matter what I do or how "good" God is, I am emotionally impaired. Things will never be the same again, there will always be a trace of hollowness in the laughter, a blot while watching the blue sea in Sydney, a tinge of pain while passing through the hat section, a stab while reading about breast cancer.

A sigh when there's words, but a silence.

A scary move to the other side of the world, when every thing's so messy at home.

A dark unknown future in the hands of a seemingly unseen God.

Emotionally impaired in most of the areas in my life I hold dear too....

But while an impairment cannot be changed, a disability can be minimized.

Don't get me? Watch this..


The story behind this? The next clip..


I guess I don't know when God will heal my emotional impairments.
But I know like the dad that pushes the son, it doesn't matter if I will be healed eventually or not.

For God is pushing the impaired me; and all that matters is that He's strong enough to push.
He's running the race for me. And I get to finish it with Him. Together.

And to finish means that while I am impaired, I am not disabled.

All this will soon pass.

A new season will come.


I hope.



I trust.

Impaired yes, but disabled no.


(oh yeah, I still have it! I can still remember sem2 Bs notes..haha, J/K..don't know why I suddenly remembered the diff of impairment and disability)

Hello, I am a cancer patient

A red scarf. A yellow towel wrapped round. Tudungs. Brown hair. Short hair. Curly hair. No hair.

Almost there. Just finished. Not yet started. Been there, done that....twice....

Working mothers, retired career women, housewives, Chinese, Indian, Malay.

15 or so women; with no similarity except, the same words "Hello, I am a breast cancer patient."

I accompanied my mother to the breast cancer support group today. Being the only non-cancer person around the table, I almost felt like an intruder as each woman shared their personal journey with the dreaded C.

Each and every woman, desperate to live, wanting a few more extra years to see the sun rise, carry grandchildren and wake up alive each morning.

During the session, many where asking each other about what to eat; how to cook the vegetables, where to buy the best "kampung chicken." Almost like a cooking class, yet their scalps bear testament that there's more that meets the eye.

Others recounted their experiences with mouth sores and fatigue. When one lady complained about numbness in her arm after the removal of her lymph nodes, the whole room erupted with women's voices as all clamoured to excitedly say that they felt the same thing; and many lifted their arms to show the parts where they felt different after the surgery.

As I sat there listening to 15 stories or more of women with breast cancer, I felt that each story was so interesting, so personal. Even though the same umbrella of breast cancer applied to all, different people had different stages of cancer, with different treatments, different journeys.

I dare say, I learnt far more about the diagnosis and detection of breast cancer in that 2 hour session with the women than 2 hours of lectures in IMU & 10 pages or so of Mama Patho.

Hearing the women recount their experiences, I've learnt that as doctors/medical students, we must never be too sure to rule out a disease just because the presentation is not classical.

I won't regrugitate the stories out of respect and privacy for the women.

But from their experiences; lessons to be learnt, pain in the breast doesn't mean it's not cancer; even with a "clear" mammography and ultrasound and no lumps felt.

Even from my own mum I've learnt, a clean mammography doesn't mean cancer free, and even if the lump seems to be changing in size, it may not be infection...it could be cancer.

When in doubt, always, always.. seek a 2nd opinion or go for further testing.

I learnt that breast cancer patients must always try have a full CT scan if possible. A 2nd time survivor had metastatis to the bones through the internal mammary lymph nodes in her chest bypassing her other breast and thus was not detected on mammography. Mammography alone may not be enough. It was too late for surgery.

I also learnt from a patient how to talk about Christianity among patients who do not share the same faith.

She began by simply saying "Each of us have our own religions and belief systems, but this is what has helped me....talking to God everyday and hearing Him talk back to me. I am a Christian."

Unpretentious.

Simple yet true. Respectful yet firm.

---------------------------------------------------------------

I never imagined I would spend my uni break in a breast cancer support group among cancer patients. Or going to the hospital everyday. Meeting oncologists. Battling tears and hopelessness.

But I know, somehow, these experiences have molded me to become a better doctor (to be), but most importantly a better person. I cannot afford to not be compassionate. I cannot not care. I cannot not understand what my patients feel. I've been there. I'm still there. I'm compelled to care because I'm there, in the same position. Helpless and fighting for the best.

I used to read books like "Jesus MD", "Fearfully and Wonderfully Made" with fascination when those doctors recounted their experiences of showing compassion and serving different people. And I realize, I'm now in the thick of it (not so glamorous or powerful though..) writing my own story, living out what it means to be a good doctor, but more importantly a child of God.

Things that matter suddenly don't matter anymore. Yet things you thought you could do without, you can't.

You don't need anymore Behavioural Science lessons.

A patient with many symptoms in the hospital no longer becomes a curious fascination. I recall, with dread, how disappointed I was if the patients we were assigned to in KKB etc had minimal symptoms because all we cared about was seeing morbid symptoms. The worst off a patient was and the more symptoms we saw, the better and happier we felt!

If there was no body in the morgue, boy, we were disappointed! If it was a police case, lagi bagus! Even more happy. The more gruesome, the better.

Yet now I'm on the other side. Suddenly everyone becomes not just a statistic. Nor a patient with this and this. But a person.

A person who's worth something to someone.

It's a struggle.

A hard one.

Worst than exams. Indescribably worst.

One where God doesn't always speak. (or maybe it's my hearing problem anyway)

Yet, one thing keeps me clinging; half dead but still clinging....

He hung on the cross.

He cannot not understand.

Transient

Just another statistic.
150,000 people die everyday.

We (or rather I) like to think that we are indispensable. That our significance matters, regardless how minuscule.
But in such times, I've come to realized I don't really matter much actually.



Here today, gone tomorrow and no one would miss a beat.
Maybe a conversation topic for a day or two.
A "Too bad, she's gone" whimsical thought among friends.
A tear or two if I'm lucky.
Possible an exclamation of relief "thank goodness she's gone!"


No one would really care.
Nothing would really change.

And I look over at the other side of the fence. At my own response to people's lives.

Bad news in friends' lives do make me concerned, but only to a certain degree. Sprouting the same "I'll pray for you" or "Take care"
Forgetting the plight after 5 minutes. Forgetting the turmoil when the next blog page refreshes, when the next sms comes in, when the conversation shifts.

Just an "oh, he must be having this and this of a problem"
or "emm...she must be struggling."

A quick thought. A 5 sentence prayer at most.

At most.




Because there's only so much I can understand.
Only so far I'll go.




Individual lives. Fighting our own battles.


Everything transient.




Trivialized beause it's not personal.

Just my observation on my own response to ppl's difficulties..
not accusing any1..haha

Sigh

Things are turning bad again..and it seems like a twisted joke



I mean like,

How often do you get an inaccurate pathology report?!?
We found out today that the 1st pathology report after the surgery was inaccurate.
The 2nd one now gives a more invasive involvement.
How often do you get an inaccurate pathology report?!?


Bad news is bad.

But bad news after a false good news is even worst & terrible.

I mean, what's the point of a false high? If I'm going to get slapped, might as well do it in one clean, quick blow.



God if my cynicism is rising, is not as if I asked for an inaccurate report okay?
This is up to You already. Cuz last I checked, I am still human. I'm doing the best I can. If You don't come through, this is it. This is as fas as I can go humanly.

Show youself.

I need a rest. Please

Things I miss

Sometimes, I guess it's good to look back at the wonderful times, to remind myself that life ain't that bad after all...and that God was (and still will be) good to me.

All the things I miss....

In no particular order:

CF committee!! *cough* sooooo scandalous committee. & last I heard, the tradition has been passed to the other Sarah. ;)

http://sarahli.blogspot.com/2006/07/cf-committee-retreat-2006.html

Great friends! & *cough* IMU...haha...

http://sarahli.blogspot.com/2006/05/this-is-early-but-anyway.html

The Commenwealth CG!!!!

& its lame'ness' + mamak sessions + political talk

http://sarahli.blogspot.com/2005/09/kaki-bangku.html

The International Gang! My batch "sitting" buddies. Phyo, Melissa, Fui Pin, Usha...

Petaling Street Feeding ministry.

Oh goodness, I really really miss this place!

Of all the nonsense I write on blogs...this is one of my favourite posts...

http://sarahli.blogspot.com/2006/05/today.html

When I saw Joshua in SIB 2 weeks ago, I realized...it's been so long since I last went to Petaling Street.

This man has a special handshake.

I even miss the heat under the tent. Free sauna you know! haha, great for burning fats

She/He was the first person I got to know in Petaling street. She/He is there almost every week & will tell real but shocking stories about her/his clients etc.

The above pic was taken in 2006. This one was taken around early 2005. (yea yea, bad eyebags).

She/he is always a welcomed face because she/he always remembers my name..haha..and always tells the others not to "kacau" me.

Jehai & Belum forrest! Another trip next year?

M1/04!! & great CF camps

http://sarahli.blogspot.com/2006/05/x-cavate-imu-cf-camp-2006.html


CF! It's really amazing to know seniors & juniors...esp the current juniors!!

Cambodia!!!!! And the people, and the food, and God's presence there! I miss the people & the missionaries especially. I love this place. Everytime Cambodia comes on TV or newspapers, the mental images of the place come flooding back. YSL, plz have a really wonderful time there!

http://sarahli.blogspot.com/2006/01/cambodia.html

http://sarahli.blogspot.com/2006/08/cambodia-2006.html

and a whole super long!!! write up on everything I was so excited to talk about at www.simplylearning.blogspot.com

:) Life's not so bad after all, isn't it?

Timeless

Yea I'm back in Lbn for a few days.

Rifling through the cupboards out of sheer boredom, I came across some old cassettes. (Yea, I know what you're thinking...do such things still exist?! haha)

There was one cassette in Mandarin and since I'm bored (oh no, repeating the same word twice already), decided to play it; not knowing if it will still work because the tape might be dirty since it hasn't been played for years (if you still remember what it was like to play cassettes).

The 1st song that came out was this really overplayed song in my church during the song's popularity 5-7 years ago. Those who grew up in church MUST know this song cuz it's really famous in a way.

Never mind that the song on the cassette was in Mandarin...just a few notes into the song, the lyrics just flooded back...because it's impossible to forget this song!

My life is in You, Lord,
My strength is in You Lord
My hope is in You, Lord, in You, it's in You (Repeat)

I will praise You with all of my heart
I will praise You with all of my mind
With all of my life, and all of my strength
All of my hope is in You!


Because this song was overplayed in my church and has a funny beat (like it's not really a slow song, not really fast either), I admit I didn't really like this song last time.

But even as I was just listening to this song just now, for a moment, I really felt at peace again.

In the midst of so many chances & adjustments, things can be stressful at times at home. What more with a change of church next year, meeting new ppl in Oz. A new campus, cf?, cg?, friends?
Especially as I personally dislike walking into a new church when everybody's face is so foreign and when you blush as you stand up as they annouce the newcomers. When you have to learn to fit in again, be thick skinned in finding a niche in a uni that didn't even know that they had to send you an offer letter to do your visa because it's their first time twinning with IMU!

My life is in You, Lord. So goes the song.

And just like how I can never forget this song (even when my memory is really bad!), I guess it's just a really good reminder that no matter where or what happens, God is and will be the same.

Regardless if it's on Sat nite at DUMC among friends, or in CF with all the wonderful juniors, or at CG, or alone in a small room in Oz, or soon to be grilled to death in the hospital for being "bimboitic"...it's really reassuring to know God doesn't change.

Even though I can't take all the cassettes or cds or books or sentimental stuff to Oz because of a weight limit, leave family and friends back here...
Travel up and down KL, face life shattering events, move in and out of hospitals, visit oncologist after oncologist, have bad dreams and wake up to nightmares come true...
And when the future looks so cloudy and blur....


...at least God goes wherever I go

...even if, yea even if I forget to take Him along sometimes.



With all of my life, and all of my strength
All of my hope is in You


Timeless.



Oh yea, about the being bored part....if you're as bored as me, you can read what I wrote when I was so bored. http://simplylearning.blogspot.com/2006/10/its-dawn-of-new-era.html. Warning it's a "bimboitic" post!

Grains

Grip tightly, human nature shouts in fearful demand

what if the wind blows everything away?

there would be no more grains left to share

yet the quiet voice whispers

human hands can never grip grains of sand

the cracks in between fingers,

can anyone carry a fistful without losing a single grain?

so why not let it be

hands Divine that decide

if the winds should blow

or if the ocean should be still

may it always be

that it's never self seeking

Held

Held - Natalie Grant

Two months is too little.
They let him go.
They had no sudden healing.
To think that providence would
Take a child from his mother while she prays
Is appalling.

Who told us we’d be rescued?
What has changed and why should we be saved from nightmares?
We’re asking why this happens
To us who have died to live?
It’s unfair.

Chorus:
This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we’d be held.
This hand is bitterness.
We want to taste it, let the hatred numb our sorrow.
The wise hands opens slowly to lilies of the valley and tomorrow.

(Chorus)
This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we’d be held.

Bridge:
If hope is born of suffering.
If this is only the beginning.
Can we not wait for one hour watching for our Savior?

(Chorus)
This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we’d be held.

Paradigm shift

........someone with that kind of outlook—not someone who wants a perfect life, but someone who wants to love perfectly—is amazing."



It's just another article chanced upon, but the ending phrase really jumped out at me. Really, I want to capture this spirit. A real paradigm shift from my selfish perspective of life.


Life after all is never perfect, but His perfect love overcomes all fear.




Other things I've been reading:
1) http://fightingbreastcancer.blogspot.com/
Quote "I just wanted everyone to have a chance to see the video clip...it's awesome and very touching. I bawled like a baby through the entire thing...because it truly hit home. Follow the link: www.thesurvivormovie.com"

2) http://sunnyside2day.blogspot.com/2005/10/from-my-daughters-point-of-view.html
Quote "And I'm not asking for a pity party, or attempting to use a crutch, I just want a hand to hold on if I need it. To these people, I just want to grab them and scream at them to realize just how fragile this all is, everything you have, everything you do, and everything you are. But right now, my energy and time is devoted to someone else...and I just can't. So I just take a step away."

Yea, I knew I hit that same really low point 2 weeks ago where I just couldn't control my emotions and snapped at some people when they merely asked questions (I'm really sorry!). Where I couldn't answer to the question "How's your mum?" or "What's your mum doing in KL" or "So have you resigned from your job?" without crying/snapping.
It sounds like a lame excuse that I couldn't control my emotions but honestly, I was shocked at myself for not being able to hold back; imagine crying in front of friends all of a sudden. So memalukan okay? Haha.

But I'm better now (haha yea can ask me questions now) and it's really reassuring to know I'm not the only daughter that feels that way and I'm still sane. :)

Paragraphs

at the moments where sleep eludes and the night's silence envelopes the room, the ears strain just to hear the rhythemic sounds of breathing............so afraid the soft breaths would stop.

when the tears brim the eyes as she watches the taxi leave, you suddenly realize your parents are just not parents; you no longer define them just as Mum and Dad.....but two human beings who love each other, who misses each other.

when her eyes crinkle in a smile, and she radiates so much joy, until it seems like she's the most unaffected member of the family, you think "I can't lose her."

when you have four guys at the back of the car, and loads of books+stuff on their legs; when strangers you just met share their disappointments and thanksgivings; when someone is willing to brave the rain to carry the junk you have.....you know not even a second was wasted in the precious cell group.

when you have friends who hear you bring up the same topic, again and again, and again, and again, and again...

yet still listen,

you know you have great friends.

in the silence,

let it be the voice of God that speaks.

when you've read too many political/medical/legal thrillers that you can guess the ending,

sigh, haha, it's time to touch the medical books once again!

:)

Change

God,

Yes I'm unhappy. And no matter what the rational is, the explanations, the advice, the efforts.... I realize this situation cannot be changed. I can't escape it.

So Lord,
As much I as I hate to say this
Please change me.
Change me to accept Your will.
No, on hindsight, not just to accept, but to REJOICE in Your will. To delight in it.
Even if the situation doesn't change. Even if I don't know what Your will is. Even when everything is happening at the wrong time.



My dear friends, just pray that God's will be done at His time. And loads of grace+sane mind for me! :)
(Wow, I've finallly been able to use :) haha, after so long time)

Yes, no matter what the outcome is, it will be okay. :)

Truly....somehow

:)

oh yea, i'm not a sadistic psycho...all this is about another issue not related to the cancer.

I've failed

I've complained and sobbed.
Struggled in the mental wrestling match; trying to hit the shadows.

I am ashamed to say that when the test came, I failed.


Abraham Tested Genesis 22

1 Some time later God tested Abraham. He said to him, "Abraham!" "Here I am," he replied.
2 Then God said, "Take your son, your only son, Isaac, whom you love, and go to the region of Moriah. Sacrifice him there as a burnt offering on one of the mountains I will tell you about."
3 Early the next morning Abraham got up and saddled his donkey. He took with him two of his servants and his son Isaac. When he had cut enough wood for the burnt offering, he set out for the place God had told him about.
4 On the third day Abraham looked up and saw the place in the distance.
5 He said to his servants, "Stay here with the donkey while I and the boy go over there. We will worship and then we will come back to you."
6 Abraham took the wood for the burnt offering and placed it on his son Isaac, and he himself carried the fire and the knife. As the two of them went on together,
7 Isaac spoke up and said to his father Abraham, "Father?" "Yes, my son?" Abraham replied. "The fire and wood are here," Isaac said, "but where is the lamb for the burnt offering?"
8 Abraham answered, "God himself will provide the lamb for the burnt offering, my son." And the two of them went on together.
9 When they reached the place God had told him about, Abraham built an altar there and arranged the wood on it. He bound his son Isaac and laid him on the altar, on top of the wood. 10 Then he reached out his hand and took the knife to slay his son.
11 But the angel of the LORD called out to him from heaven, "Abraham! Abraham!" "Here I am," he replied.
12 "Do not lay a hand on the boy," he said. "Do not do anything to him. Now I know that you fear God, because you have not withheld from me your son, your only son."
13 Abraham looked up and there in a thicket he saw a ram [a] caught by its horns. He went over and took the ram and sacrificed it as a burnt offering instead of his son.
14 So Abraham called that place The LORD Will Provide. And to this day it is said, "On the mountain of the LORD it will be provided."


Can I really say I love God above all things? Even good things? Good things that are so dear to me?
Can I willingly sacrifice my wants for His will? Even my needs for His will?

Can I say like David, Your love is better than life?




I know the answer. It's ugly.




I've so much more to learn......

One day...

One day...

......the shivers of winter would be melted by the warmth of the budding spring

.....smiles would simply be smiles, need not be partnered with tears

.....there won't be heavy silences, quiet eyes but mischevious grins, warm hands

.....the hidden trail would come to life, deep with impressions of footsteps of the willing

.....the weed would cease to choke no more but bloom.

.....my mess would be a distant memory, blown away by the laughter of them yet to be born

.....it won't matter anymore.....

One day...

Matthew 6:28........ See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these.



John 11: 35 Jesus wept.

Not because of me, but inspite of me

This was where I cajoled, talked and urged; prayed and worked together with my CF to bring a change to IMU. This was where I stood in front of my members during my tenure as president (for the record, I was imperfect in this role), with words that God's grace is sufficient for your exams, don't worry about tomorrow, that we should look to God.

It's just 2-3 months ago, yet it seems like eternity has passed.

I remember the smiles, the lame jokes. How confident I was with my words; not because I was great but because I did not grasp the significance of what I spoke. What it meant to daily take up the cross. To surrender all. To trust Him.

I remember the rush of going on mission trips! Of camps. Complaining about summatives and PMS matching options. Where the biggest "trial" was the lack of sleep and a poor memory. Plus the lack of food options in IMU..(haha, and now IMU has an atm, just right after I leave..)

I went back today for the 1st time since the news broke. I saw that in many ways, things are still the same. Same escalators that don't move. The same order of programs, the same people who give their best to God, the same jokes, the same struggles with exams and time, yet the same victories.

And here I was, at the back of SR5 trying hard to control my emotions and disappointments. The tears that stubbornly roll down during praise and worship. The raw pain of a heart broken and a life violently rocked by a crisis. When everything's not normal in a world that seems to still go on normally.

When I finally stood in front of the CFers today towards the end of CF at my own request to speak (yea tak tahu malu!), I wouldn't have recognize the Sarah who spoke. Who couldn't really control her tears, who spoke haltingly, who's a pale shadow of her former self.

The many junior faces I didn't recognize, the exam struggles I no longer could relate too...

Bruised and hurting. A broken jar. No longer the confident president but the struggling ex. Who's words come back to haunt her. Who could sacrely control her own emotions let alone encourage others.

Yet in the midst of all this, I realized it's precisely in this wounded state where God is most glorified.

When it's no longer how eloquent I sound nor how cheerful I act, but how much I am in need of a Saviour. When it's no longer how well I overcame, but how much I can't overcome and need help. When it's no longer what I say that brings change, but how God brings change when we let Him have His say. When it's no longer how well I fight, but how much I let Him fight on my behalf.

And I chose to speak, not because I had really wonderful things to share. Nor powerful victories. Come one, with swollen eyes and a really terrible mood, haha, I don't want to scare the juniors away! (Like imagine! Product of 5 sems in CF= a crazy girl who can't stop crying, who's heart is in pieces, who can't even control her frustrations)

But I spoke because to the best I can, I still want to whisper in the midst of my brokenness that God remains good. That my God is still as relevant in my life (if not more) as He was 3 months ago. That although I am down to my knees and the pain is killing, His grace is sufficient even........................even when I don't feel it.

Anger!

Hi Mr Anger. I don't recognize you. Because you are so foreign to me and I seldom have the need for you.

Meeting you Mr Anger has increased my pulse beat and made me nauseous. What a grand first time entrance you make in my life Mr Anger!

My friends would be surprised that I am getting to know you better because they have never seen me within 5 miles from your radius. I admit I maybe occasional buddies with Mr Melancholic, Mr Depressed or Mr Complainer, but you Mr Anger am not in my friendster list.

No offense Mr Anger, but I don't want to be friends with you. Yet I've been pushed to the limit by hurt. I don't want to retaliate so you have to go or else Mr Sacrastic would start to partner you to crowd my life.

Enough has been said.

Post edit: Yea, I'm still wounded, but going to CF helped, although I had to force myself to go and was like a wreck there. Thanks guys. For being a place safe enough for me to cry and for your encouragements.

And I've learnt that I may not be strong outwardly or emotionally...

but it's only then God's glory is revealed in weakness.

Indeed, as difficult and as *argh!* as this is,

God You must increase and I must decrease.

2 Chronicles 20:15b Do not be afraid or discouraged because of this vast army. For the battle is not yours but the Lord's.......17 You will not need to fight this battle. Take up your positions, stand firm and see the deliverance the Lord will give you O Judah and Jerusalem.

So far...

It started with a 4.5 cm radiopaque mass and a palpable axillary lymph node.
Then it followed with a biopsy result of ductal carcinoma.
Next was tests, tests and more tests.
Frantic phone calls to secure a surgical spot.
Surgery and its wait.
The scars and limitations.

We've travelled far.

Yesterday was the final histopath report and the removal of dressings.

Now there's a 17cm scar.

Jargon ahead. It's aggressive ductal carcinoma and is not estrogen receptor positive. This is not good, removes one option of treatment by hormonal drugs. It's also highly aggressive, with a 3+ rating (on a scale of 1 to 3). Which is why we were very shocked that the lump was cancer as she just had a routine normal scan last December. But there's great news as well.

Despite 2 doctors feeling a lump at the axilla, all 21 lymph nodes removed are clear. That's really a miracle. A miracle I myself in my medical trained mind was very skeptical to pray about because a node was palpable during physical examination. I was just so afraid to pray and set myself up for disappoinment. But I guess God is merciful and gracious and does work miracles despite prayers that are not powerful (mine only la), haha, I know other people did pray and is still praying strongly.

A good thing is that margins are clear, but due to the size of the cancer, slight involvment of deep muscles maybe present, although not inflirating yet. It's great we did the surgery very fast as the mitotic cells are in the early stages mixed with precancerous cells; even though the cancerous cells are at such early stages the cancer is so aggresive to produce a lump of 4 cm within a few months!

Another great thing is that there is no evidence of vascular involvement.

Well, the next step would be treatment options. Most likely to involve chemotherapy and radiotherapy. The hard part would be chemotherapy where the breast cancer survivors who come and visit in our house are telling us the things to expect. Nausea, hair loss..which are things we medical students are aware of. But also other details that we don't really bother to read/memorize...urine turning red, mouth ulcers, bone pain up to 7 years after chemo treatment, severe constipation, confusion and memory loss....the list goes on.

And you sit there and hear the list being rattled off, almost like a PBL, only thing this might happen to your mum soon.

But God's grace is sufficient everyday. There maybe times where everything just seems so so hard, so so unfair. Yet those are the times you cling to God, because there's no one else to turn to. It's unfair to expect my friends to understand completely, although I am very grateful for all your support (I mean, I myself also am at a loss to understand what other people go through in circumstances I've never experienced and am often at lost for words too). But God understands every single minute of this all.

If God was not in this picture, I can't imagine how things would be like.

And in the moments where you discover that, "Hey, if you cry too much till you are dehydrated, your top lip actually cracks." (which is a new discovery for me!)
and that "I never knew humans can have double eyebags" and "Hey I don't look so ugly even with double eyebags" (HAHAHA, yea perasaannya), I am thankful I worship and love a God who has a sense of humour, who's kind and gentle, yet who's all powerful and all knowing.

Plus He loves me too! :)

Continue to pray for us. Every treatment, every decision...God does hear your prayers.

In everything...

It's easy to be angry with God, with everything that's going so badly now...

yet, have I forgot to thank Him for the good?

shall we accept blessings but not calamity?

It's hard to be real without being a complainer,

It's hard to be positive without being an actress.

It's striking a balance between honest feelings and upbeat attitudes.

So Lord,

For the extravagant surprises and the downcast skies,

For laughter, sweet smiles and friendly "hi"s,

For sobs, tears and dark nights,

Yet for bonus blessings and wonderful trips,

The unanswered prayers and unhappy endings,

Unexpected bounties and special stories,

Multiple mercies when least deserved,

Yet the agonizing silence and hurting truth,

Promises of new beginings and better days,

Unfairness of life and burdens to bear,

Precious gifts of love and unending peace,

The uncertainties and frustrating moments,

Shocking news and stabbing wounds,

Comforts, joys and happy days,

Funny times and dreams realized,

Rejection and pain felt inside,

Great milestones and profound experiences,

Big miracles and daily bread,

For sighs that are inaudible outside,

Yet for hope that is in sight......

For everything great, good and bad...

I want to say...

This is my story, this is my song,

praising my Savior all the day long;

this is my story, this is my song,

praising my Savior all the day long.

Of markets and crabs

When I was young, my sisters and I hated to go to the big market in town because it was dark, dirty and smelly; especially the fish market.

Now, argh haha, I have no choice but to go there everyday to buy fish...

All this while the only "marketing" I do is in the airconditioned comforts of Carrefour or Giant, and the fish/pork/chicken comes in styrofoam packages.

My bargaining skills are non existant, and...haha, when I was paying for spring onions, I thought it costs Rm1 per bunch and walked away after giving a RM1 note...only to have the girl chase me to give me back my change of 50cents. Aiyo, that screams "AMATUER BLUR!" Even if I get cheated, I'd probably not realize it...

Pigs heads...I think they sell for RM12 perhead..
See, dirty floors! The black water is from the fish & squid juices...hahaha

Haha, since it was a Sunday...I decided to *cough* cook CRABS cuz my sister loves crabs and only my mum and I cook them. (ok la correction, my mum can cook crabs and I can try to cook crabs..haha). Since I'm going to KL I thought it'd be good to cook crabs once for her.

Imagine, have to get out of bed at 7, go to market, come back, wash and freeze the fish/pork..then go to church. And the crabs are ALIVE. One of the crabs actually jumped out of the basin on the table and when we got back from church it was crawling on the floor!

I see you!
The hard part about cooking crabs is killing the crabs with a huge chooper without getting clawed. You'd have to chop really hard, but also be careful to not damage the shells. Plus the crab would move around and try to claw you. And this really smart Sarah decided to buy 2.5 Kgs of crabs because she overestimated herself and wanted to cook for 4 other families who helped a lot in prayer etc. So she had to wrestle with the crabs while not chopping her own hand.

After chopping, wash the outer shells...make a crab salad with potatoes, tuna, mayo, spring onions, crab sticks and fill the shells. Then top it with cheese and bake...

Cook the crabs! This amount is good for 5 families..So far, the ppl I "distributed" the crabs to have not complained..or they are too polite to do so...hahaha.

The final product..

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Going to see my mum and taking care of her in KL is both great and scary as well. Great in the sense that I can be there personally and talk to her, be there when she goes for the doctor's report and regime planning on Sunday (pray yea, it's this coming Sunday when we'd know what course of treatment she's going to undergo & if there's lymph node involvement. We're praying for no lymph node involvement).

Yet it's scary because there's only so much emotion that can be controlled. It's easier to be positive and cheerful on the phone with her, because it's only for a short while. After you put down the phone, you can cry if you want etc. But it's really heart wrenching to be there in person to see all the changes. She's not yet taken out the bandages. She hasn't seen how her chest looks like. The last thing I want is for myself to tear up and have her comforting me instead of the other way around.

I don't want her to see me sad/anxious/tired.

But this is my mum whom I love.

I don't know. I've always been a bad actress.

Well God, take care of everything.