Malaysia

My family is a migratory family.

On my mum's side, out of seven children my mum's the only one still staying in Malaysia.
On my dad's side, only he and his brother call Malaysia home while my 4 aunts and grandparents are all in Sydney.

When it came to making choices post form 5, many of my hometown friends assumed that I would go overseas right after. I must admit I did toy around with the idea esp when I could get a 50% discount for fees for a college in Perth.

But "playing safe" chose to do SAM, in case I couldn't do medicine in Oz direct entry, there was always IMU to fall back on. (& it was a cheaper option)

Funnily UNSW did offer me a 1st year place after SAM, but I declined and chose to go to IMU...after serious fact finding by my dad and I, because of the easier post grad opportunities in the UK. Even before I set foot in the abandoned shopping complex aka IMU, I knew which country I wanted to go...all the way till April 2006!
Anyway, the irony of ending up in Australia...and specifically UNSW is another story altogether.

The point is, I could have ended up overseas when I was 17 or 18.
But I am sooo thankful that I didn't because it was only during the IMU years that I started to understand my country more.

To understand the politics and systems; to grieve over the failings, yet to love the resilience & have a burden for the people of Malaysia. More importantly, the privilege of being part of the body of Christ in Malaysia. It's no longer their problem but my concern as well. I feel so strongly about this that I hope my sisters will be able to stay in Malaysia for the first years of college/uni and have the same (or even better) learning experiences I had.

Yes, things can be better, and I am in no position to comment until and unless I return home for good....
but I am thankful despite the racial misgivings to be called Malaysian.

Happy Merdeka.

Yours or mine?

Ever got one of those pesky supermarket trolleys whose wheels seem to have a mind of their own? When you try to steer it right, they would veer to the left instead. The condition of trolley wheels are at greater peril in Australia because customers are allowed to push them all the way back to home, as far as they want to; over roads, stones etc.

While getting a defected trolley works the abs during the duration of a shopping trip, there are similar parallels of my life with those wheels. How often have I sung "Lord I give you my life" and fail to realize if I've truly given Him my life, then He has full control to steer me wherever and in whatever conditions?

It is easy to give God full reign when things are nice; but to submit even when it seems like He's pushing the trolley into the inferno?

Yet if my life is really His, then I should be more prepared to yield despite human understanding. To yield even if He brings pain to those I really love.


If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to save us from it, and he will rescue us from your hand, O king. But even if he does not, we want you to know, O king, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up.
Daniel 3: 17-18

I'm a happy nerd

14 if my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then will I hear from heaven and will forgive their sin and will heal their land. 2 Chronicles 7:14

16Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective. James 5:16

I have a confession to make.
I am guilty of buying pirated VCDs and downloading TV series over the net. Of course we all know it's illegal, and yet perhaps due to the Malaysian culture, it was something I did.

My conscience was twinged a little when being president of CF we adopted a Repent, Revive and Restore theme. Sadly to say (with judgment on my own self added with the judgment of leading people while in sin) although I did cut down from buying VCDs, I wasn't spot free. Not heavy downloading yet still catching up on the latest downloaded House series. Or buying the occasional "must see" movie.

When my mum was diagnosed with breast cancer, our whole family re-examined James 5: 16.
Where we really righteous? Of course, no one can be without sin and we are not advocating legalism, yet this was such a "preventable" sin! We were intentionally breaking the law; more importantly, grieving God...just to save a few bucks on entertainment?
So our whole family stopped buying pirated VCDs.

Well, I'd like to stop here but truth is, I am sinful.
I still watched some downloaded TV series, some which were transfered from friends.
I justified that it's on TV anyway, all I'm doing is watch the recordings that other people make. But one of my friends at uni did a bible study group topic on this and according to the copyright laws, while it's legal to tape a show it's not legal to transfer over the internet.

Over the last few weeks, much has happened in my life and has caused me to re-re-examine James 5:16 (yea I'm super sinful). Again, I am challenged to stop watching downloaded tv series.

And let me tell you, while it's not a "choose Jesus or die gunpoint" sacrificial situation to stop watching tv series online...
for a clinical med student nothing is as relaxing as coming home, eating dinner while watching an episode of Everybody Loves Raymond on the laptop!
Plus, my internet speed is an amazing 20mbps. An 350mb episode only takes 1-2 hours to dl.

But it does revel the rot in my heart, preferring to dabble in illegalities instead of honoring God.

So it's been 2-3 weeks since the downloading has stopped.

I no holy-moly, I do need to relax as well, so I did checked out the local rental shop to rent some shows. And I realized that when I was "forced" to pay for my entertainment, I actually became more selective on what I watched and also how much I watched. Another lesson learnt.

But God always surprises when we let go of things for Him.
Today on a whim I wandered around a shopping complex few min from my uni.
And there was a community library. Which was free and we could borrow 15 items!
Which includes DVDs, CDs, magazines and *glee* books.

Of course the DVD collection is not as staggering as the world wide web, but there are a few random gems. A whole series of West Wing, a crazy mix of movies from Elizabeth to Antz, lots and lots of classical music CDs. I manage to borrow a copy of Chariots of Fire!

And as most know, I'm a true blue nerd & miser who's terribly happy that she has in possession 2 borrowed copied of Reader's Digest June and July which she would never have paid $10 each to buy.


This is not a great story nor earth shattering revelation, but I hope that I'll learn to be faithful in "little" things. I still have a long way to go! (haha, imagine *argh*...even giving up illegal downloading took me so long to learn) Keep me accountable! Haha.



*I hope Youtube is not illegal. Last I checked, under US government laws it's technically legal although some lawsuits are flying in*

This is good

One thing I really miss about DUMC is the balance the church has; charismatic yet also word based. Not perfect of course; yet learning together in mistakes.

A big church, yet utilizing the size not merely for big buildings, but to set up a drug rehab, a handicapped training centre and most recently, a drop in centre for the underprivileged.
A church that sends & encourages its members to go for missions; Cambodia, Nepal, Thailand & not merely short term missions, but long term workers.

The church is having a 3 week fast and daily 530 am prayer meetings.
Am encouraged my sister is going!

I really miss church back home.

Have a listen to this http://www.filefactory.com/file/dbeaeb/ if you are free.
My sister specially bought the cd, downloaded it over the web so that I can get my dose of sermon from Malaysia.

Morning roll call at Ravensbruck came half an hour earlier than at Vught. By 4.30 AM we had to be standing outside in the predawn chill....

...Next to us, perhaps a deliberate warning to newcomers-were located the punishment barracks. From there, all day long and often into the night, came the sounds of hell itself. They were not sounds of anger, nor of any human emotion, but of a cruelty altogether detached: blows landing in regular rhythm, screams keeping pace.

...it grew harder and harder. Even within these four walls there was too much misery, too much seemingly pointless suffering. Every day something else failed to make sense, something else grew too heavy. "Will You carry this too, Lord Jesus?"

The Hiding Place, Corrie Ten Boom.


Re-reading some books that I read years ago have made me realize how much emotion I missed then. A new wave of respect, of grief intertwined with understanding dawned.
Of course I am not in a concentration camp; but I am a wimp who can't deal with cancer, loss, death and broken dreams.

It's frustrating to be schooled in pain.

I wish I can be a yuppie Christian with happening posts and extra ordinary "change the world/campus" visions. On fire for God. Doing ground breaking things. Exciting things. Challenging (but not hurtful challenging, rather goal oriented challenging) things.

Not struggling to get out of bed and whose achievement is not crying mid lecture.

And I think back, Oh my goodness how insensitive and naive I was when I shared in Cambodia; who was I, a rich girl who has never known hunger nor hurt to speak of perseverance or healing to those who lost so much?

When I read "First they killed my father" about a Cambodian girl who loss her family just a few weeks back, a wave of nausea flooded me because...now I've seen the concentration camp, I have walked in their fields, it's no longer a story, it's a person's life; it is real...

I can just close the book and forget, but for her, it's her life that she can't escape from. Just like others can press the red X button top right hand corner now, yet I can't.

This is nonsense rambling.


The only consolation for me is that when/IF (provided God restores me) others hurt, I will no longer be the well intended but terribly un-understanding girl.

I will be able to look into their eyes and share in brokenness.


This is my body broken for you, do this in remembrance of me.

-

Never understood what mercy was, never asked for it.



but Lord now I'm begging for mercy.
Mercy for my family.
Mercy for me.

Father have you forgotten us?
Where are You?
Why so much pain?
Where are You?

Where are You?

Lord,
In wrath remember mercy.

I am only human.
Do not forget me.
I've tried, am trying to trust...

but cancer, loss, death, uncertainty, purposelessness.
one blow too many.

I want to walk away from You.
But I can't.

So Lord, please, please, please.


don't forget me.

It hurts to breathe.
Hurts to wake up.

I don't want to be a drama queen

sudah jatuh ditimpa tangga

Quote of the day

"Grace is free, but grace is not cheap"
Dietrich Bonhoeffer

And just because I can..haha, more photos...




I miss you all!

But yea, am feeling so much better now.
Went to a party and screamed till I'm all hoarse now. :)

The Maggi Chronicles

Remember this?

So my grandmother actually gave me 3 packets of curry maggi noodles some time back.
Alllll the way from Malaysia from her last trip last year.

Of course, they are special and no one (no no!) would want to waste it on a "normal" dinner.
It's like striking a chemical equilibrium; everything must be just right to savor hot curry maggi noodles. The night must be of optimum temperature, cold not merely moderately cold cuz it just seems more delicious the colder the night is. And goes without saying, the busier the day was at the hospital, the higher the satisfaction garnered from the 2 minute meal.

So I had 2 of such days and was waiting for the conditions to ripen for the one and final packet.....

and waiting...


until I discovered 2 months later on a perfect night that it had expired a week or two ago.

Of course, it goes to show that in life, just like maggi mee, you can't always wait for the perfect conditions to occur because you end up wasting the present day (and a packet of curry maggi mee!!!!).

I hope in life, I will have more capre diem moments than curry maggi mee wasting moments.





Ps don't worry about me, I did manage to stock up on 5 more packets of maggi mee from Malaysia. ;)

Still struggling

the contrast just seems so sharp; having being back and coming to Sydney again.
I don't know if it's just something up with me or that I'm in the wrong place, but I am struggling to connect at church. I guess I'm very Malaysian after all.

And it just gets to me, to hear that my mum's been unwell for the pass 2 days and yet didn't tell me (we talk on the phone or rather VOIP everyday so the omission of information is even more disturbing). I dislike having to find out from other people; yet when I hear it from her myself, I don't know what to say and end up just saying it'd be ok etc.....

It's times like this that I don't even want to evangelize or be a "good" christian, I rather just stay locked up in my room because I can't even hold my life in order......

Do pray for me.
Thanks!

Pictures

ah...so lazy to load up the rest...
till then

Another reason to come to Sydney

Cheap air fares!

In retrospect

Because of luggage weight concerns, I left behind a stack or so of journals and planners, misc cards. But it's been great fun pulling them out and skimming through almost 5 years in writing.

Fretting over matematik tambahan in form 5. Or which uni and what to study after SPM.
Having a best friend who was a Malay girl. Getting angry at being teased with a guy. (haha)
Stressing over SAM, finding footings in IMU...where the 1st entry for IMU was "...I feel so lost because I don't know anyone"

Pulling out cards, the neon green live planner we bought to support Campus Friends.
The names of villages in Cambodia where I went. Remembering the KKB accident. Sheepishly reading how I sometimes felt cf/cg was burdensome or obligatory yet how much I miss and learnt from all the planning and people there. Writing about feeling fat...haha.
Cards from different people. One from Cambodia that I don't dare to reread because it's full of hope yet I've failed him and disappointed their hopes because I'm not going back again for now. (but troy & jonathan's going! always great to hear ppl I know going!).

In many ways, God has brought me through even when I least expected him to.
In others, it's a mixture of both progress and regression.

A reminder that I should start to journal again after being so lazy

Not enough love

Even with two different groups of friends, the same issues keep coming up during dinner/mamak sessions.
Corruption=billions of dollars missing, the rising crime and the horror stories, the state of affairs around, the integrity of courts, religion.



Being overseas have opened my eyes even more; it never bothered me much but being away and coming back, I now notice things I never realized. I never noticed or cared of the significance that everyone in church was of the same ethnicity; on autopilot we just focused on people of our own colour.

It is really sad and sobering to hear of all that's going on.
To know that so much can be improved and yet stay mirred.

Yet are we just merely going to discuss things over dinner, living our comfortable middle class Malaysian lives while plotting for ways to migrate overseas?

I can't answer because I'm not brave enough to say I'll be back.
But I know there's lots to pray for, about.
Forgive me Lord, for I do not love my country enough.

Moments of wow

Was just catching up with one of dumc's conference cds by Dr David Wang.

"They were talking with each other, but they were not communicating with each other"

Wow, so profound. Are we merely opening our mouths with sounds to fill the silence or are we truly connecting when we engage in conversation?



Another wow sentence, love the way it's phrased..

"In many ways, the Dehs — Kwame, Suzzy and Delight — are unremarkable, average. But in their incredible ability to keep mining Africa's most precious resource — optimism — they are extraordinary. Just like Africa itself." Simon Robinson for TIME Feb 22, 2007.

Do you eat the icing first or the biscuit?

It just happen that Yoda asked this question last fri and I saw these biscuits in the pasar malam.



Childhood was indeed the best of times. No worries about calories, carcinogenic food colourings or type 2 diabetic inducing icing sugar.



But yea, looking forward to what now has to offer as well. :)