If there's one person who can make me angry...

Some people have commented that they have never seen me angry before and have even asked me if I ever get angry..

Well, haha contrary to public opinion I do get angry and there's probably atm there's only one person who can really make me angry and that's none other than my sister. But it's not in a bad way that I say this..in fact I think the only reason she can get to me is because she's someone close to me and someone whom I would fiercely protect and thus fight with. Someone I love enough to disagree with.

One of the things I am truly blessed with is a close knitted family..where nothing's a secret and where I still call my mum everyday (yup it's been 6 years since I've left home and it's still the same routine! haha). Which is why reading this extract really struck me in a sad way and brought tears to my eyes. Because if it was my sister I will feel the same way too..

"My sister is ten years old. Every morning at seven she goes to the bonded labour man, and every night at nine she comes home. He treats her badly; he hits her if he thinks she is working slowly or if she talks to the other children, he yells at her. He comes looking for her if she is sick and cannot go to work. I don't care about school or playing. I don't care about any of that. All I want is to bring my sister home from the bonded labour man. For 600 rupees (17 dollars) I can bring her home-that is our only chance to get her back. We don't have 600 rupees....we will never have 600 rupess." Lakshmi, nine year old cigarette roller in Tamil Nadu.
From True Grit, pg 31 on Child Labour.

In the midst of all the complaining about exams and what not, I am thankful that I have 17 dollars.

For more sister fun....

I am a klutz

If those out there are wondering what we medical students do everyday; well we just basically sit and observe lots of things and try not to fall asleep or get questioned because we will not know the answer.

And if those in Malaysia wonder what the Australian medical teaching is like; basically we get sent out to a lot of "touchy-feely" stuff like community medicine and preventative care. It's probably an excuse as to why I am so dumb in medicine but I digress because everyone else in Med knows their anatomy and physiology and pharmacology esp those kiasu Singaporean students (or rather student who like for example knows that RF is actually IgM mediated antibody against IgG antibodies... no offence to the rest of the Singaporean population) AND still can do the touchy feely stuff so it must just be me.

But anyway....
The object of all the detours above was because today I went on a visit to a divison of GP set up and went along with the exercise psychiologist. They had a exercise group for mental health participants in a hall and guess what, your's truly was asked to join.

Now, I am already a klutz IN sports attire...worst in clinical clothes of long pants (thank goodness I wore pants and not a skirt or heels). And I have not played much team sports since leaving high school. Needless to say, it was a disaster where I just ran up and down the court, hoping no one will throw the ball at me because I will definately lose it and trying to just not get my feet stepped on. And that was just basketball.....there was soccer after that (wow how aussie-fied I am, I don't even call it football anymore)....but I shall spare myself the humilation of telling it in cyberspace. Haha.

But I guess this is the touchy feely thing about being a medical student. That even in the midst of the influx of info that I will never remember, (or will remember but lose it just when the consultant asks the question) it is learning to be humble enough to play along and be part of patients' lives. Yup sometimes we are merely furnitures in the consulting room or objects of hazards in the operating theater but it trains us to be patient and acknowledge our inexperience.
Even in the times of being scolded or reprimanded over things we did not get taught; those are times we swallow our pride and learn.

So even between throwing lots of air balls and doing star jumps in pin strip pants, it's a lesson as important as learning about Lacunar syndrome or whatever not.


But of course, if I ever do have children I will make sure they are not subjected to such humilation of klutizness and play more sport!

Sculpture by the Sea

Last saturday was simply a beautiful day; not too hot or cold.
Thankful for the simple things in life

His ways are higher than my ways

And I thank God for improvements, for grace and for cooperation. :)

GP land

Doing GP now has made me realize how good my father actually is.
Over in Australia, there's an exam that must be taken to qualify as a GP and the system is such that medicare covers the bulk of the bill.

In Malaysia, it's so much different. The doctor is just not the doctor; but the pharmacist as well, the practice manager, the accountant, the radiologist, the obstetrician, the pediatrician, the geriatrician. Etc etc. Even more in a small island like Labuan.
See all, do all. No radiologist to interpret Xrays, ultrasounds. He even used to do gastroscopies.
The more I learn medicine, the more I realize I don't know anything and how much my dad does.

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On the other hand, I have a sinking feeling that history might repeat itself but ya. Oh well.

To Have what it Takes

It is by grace you have been saved through faith -- and this not of yourselves, it is the gift of God. Ephesians 2:8 (NIV)

It is 3am and your `bleep' has gone off for the second time in half and hour. You could weep with fatigue, frustration and misery. The human frame is just not designed to cope with the circumstances of a junior hospital doctor. As you mechanically carry out the required task, longing for your bed and sleep, you wonder how you are supposed to survive -- as a person, as a member of a family, and as a Christian.

At times like this, we need to let the living and active word of God speak to our hearts, as it is given to do. This verse can help us. Our salvation does not depend one fraction of 1% on ourselves. It is totally, 100%, the work of God. Planned in eternity by the Father, accomplished completely on the Cross by the Son, who as our representative and substitute died bearing the just punishment for our sins, it is applied to our hearts by the Holy Spirit. Even the faith we exercise is the gift of God; we cannot produce it for ourselves.

So when our spiritual survival seems at stake because we are too tired to pray, too busy to study the scriptures, and too tied to the hospital to attend church meetings and worship, it is good to be reminded that we are saved by grace. Temporary interruptions in our co-operation in God's sanctifying work makes no difference to our justification. That is his work alone, and Christ has done it all for us. A man as well as God, he understands our fatigue and frustration, and says, `My grace is sufficient for you' (2 Cor 12:9). So in the midst of physical and mental exhaustion, let us rest in him and his never failing promises.

My hope is built on nothing less
Then Jesus' blood and righteousness;...
When darkness seems to veil his face,
I rest on his unchanging grace...
When all around my soul gives way
He then is all my strength and stay
On Christ the solid Rock I stand,
All other ground is sinking sand.

Edward Mote. From http://www.cmf.org.uk/devotion/devotion.asp?day=18&month=10

Once bitten, twice shy

It is no secret that dramatic things changed my life in ate 2006.
All of a sudden from being on the forefront of ministry, surrounded by friends, sure and secure in what I felt was my calling in life plus fresh from mission trips, everything came to a screeching halt.

Changes in family, in country, in university, church and friends. Questions about churches and God. About life and desires. Dashed dreams, fearful uncertainties. Weary and tearful nights.

Almost 2 years later....praise God some issues have been resolved; the lost of some things, the gain of others. Along the way, maybe I am a more cynical, more calloused, with less hype and less optimism but hopefully because I've learnt that it is not my own manufactured emotions or even what I feel....but what I choose to still believe in.

I admit, half the time it seems so hard to believe God does have a good plan for my life; not to harm me...not to harm my family. Once bitten, twice shy..I really don't know if patience and good boundaries do "pay off." But ya.........


And the pain falls like a curtain
On the things I once called certain
And I have to say the words I fear the most
I just don’t know

And the questions without answers
Come and paralyze the dancer
So I stand here on the stage afraid to move
Afraid to fall, oh, but fall I must
On this truth that my life has been formed from the dust

God is God and I am not
I can only see a part of the picture He’s painting
God is God and I am man
So I’ll never understand it all
For only God is God

And the sky begins to thunder
And I’m filled with awe and wonder
‘Til the only burning question that remains
Is who am I

Can I form a single mountain
Take the stars in hand and count them
Can I even take a breath without God giving it to me
He is first and last before all that has been
Beyond all that will pass

Oh, how great are the riches of His wisdom and knowledge
How unsearchable for to Him and through
Him and from Him are all things

So let us worship before the throne
Of the One who is worthy of worship alone

Scenes

MSF exhibition in the city...which was a windy day and the wrong day to wear a dress, conned by the sun!
Would have been just another gawk and go exhibition but I think what really made it different/good was the way it was conducted where each field worker will take a group of 10 or so and explain/share their experiences from one exhibit to the other.




Floride 2008. A flower festival in Canberra where this year's theme is Australian Movies.




Coogee to Bondi walk before our big Feast (or rather gluttony) of unlimited plates of ribs, steak, fried seafood and mussels cooked in rich white creamy sauce for $25 per person........and which explains why I am so fat now......haha.




"The choice we often face is not between the good and the bad, but between things that matter and things that matter most." VW

Maybe

..it's not always about "high" experiences, gush-able blog posts or victorious proclamations. Nor "testify-able" moments or even the quiet sensing of his presence.

..it's just to keep keeping on. To believe that there will be a new rain when what was a river is now barely a trickle.

..that God is bigger than what I think or feel. I hope.

And so the holidays start...

...with a sleepless night (no thanks to an undisciplined afternoon nap) and a 12 o clock start the day after! (with the sun streaming down my face)
I particularly dislike waking late because it takes away half the day but I always fail and end up snoozing repeatedly over and over.

As with most holidays, I always vow "I must start revising!"
But experience has taught me this is how it would end up:

The night before "Oh I am so tired now. I'll revise tomorrow"
Next day when the alarm rings "Oh it's holidays, you often don't get to sleep in, you have the whole day to do stuff." Snooze, snooze, snooze.
Wake up "Oh it's time for lunch."
Maybe fiddle around the computer checking emails and stalking facebook...2 hours later...
"Oh maybe you should take a shower"
More fiddling around with blogs, the Sydney Morning Herald and The Star newspaper.
And then probably "Oh it's time to cook dinner"
Perhaps followed by a guilty conscience and a half hearted attempt at studying in the night..
and then "Oh I am so tired now. I'll revise tomorrow"

And so the cycle goes on..probably interspaced with some outings and more eating
but always telling myself "You can catch up with studying later, it's Holidays anyway, you have the whole day to study"

till it's Sunday and I would only have 2 pages of highlighted text to show and the end of holidays!

Here's to hoping for a more productive one this time! (although I won't count on it! haha)

Sometimes in life...

You just need to have some fun....

In the mail today...

...I received a statement from my super fund (which is the Australian equivalent of EPF/pension) ya a sign of aging, so old! haha

...a gift from overseas!

...Coles is selling Wheatbix for $2 which is like more than 50% off, kind of random because I don't eat it but told it to someone who does. haha

Port call

I remember as a child growing up in the island with no McDonalds, when Doulos paid a visit. It was so exciting to meet the people on Doulos, visit their bunks and join them for a meal onboard.

The next time Doulos came to Malaysia, I just finished SAM, waiting to go to IMU.
The ship did not seem as big than when I was a child.

And now, five years later (it's almost shocking to think that it's been so long since I've left school and how OLD I am now..) it's here in Sydney. Time flies....or mayb I am just OLD.

Again...

I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know.

You know.
Lord, let that be enough.

A close call

You just never appreciate the things in your life until it goes missing!
Just yesterday I nearly had a mini heart attack when I could not find my planner. It was 12 something at night and I was mentally going through all the problems I would face if it was gone forever. It had my work numbers, my contacts, most importantly 2 log books with hard to get consultant signatures (with marks for each signature) that stretch back from the beginning of this year! And of which I need to qualify to sit for my end of year exam and current exam!

I even resorted to calling the hospital at 1 am in the morning to speak to security just in case someone found it and brought it in. While it could have been misplaced anywhere from the bus to the street, I had a feeling it was possibly lying in ED where I had made phone calls for the registrar. Dramamama also gave good advice and so after prayer and by faith I went to sleep.

Woke up at the crack of dawn today to go to ED and thankfully, it was still there lying beside the telephone. While it was not life and death; it still reminds me that I can go to God even with little hysterical prayers.

On a lighter note

Check out no4!


And from our bank of questions and answers:

198. Imagine you have a narcissistic personality disorder. How would you live your life and relate to other people?

To think that anyone could imagine how a narcissitic person would live their life is ridiculous. I could come up with a million better exam questions than that! Now, personally, I am able to imagine this senario because I happen to have an extremely creative mind. The right side of my brain (that which is involved with creative processes, since you probably didn’t know) is probably more active than most people’s, that is, of course, not to say that my left-brain is inadequate by any means! I actually think I should be exempt from doing this ridiculous exam because I have contributed so much to psychiatry this term. I’m actually pretty bored with it now; I’ve learned everything I need to, and done everything I can. I’m sure I’ve already passed the term anyway, all my registrars have told me how proficient I am at doing a psychiatric interview. I’ll go and get them to tell me again after this though. There are a couple of people who seemed to be liked as well, like that girl Nikki, who climbs mountains while she studies medicine. I can’t stand that! She doesn’t really climb them, she just goes away to Nepal and studies for 5 weeks so she can take the attention away from the really naturally smart people like me. I was friends with her at the beginning of the year, but once I got her notes I didn’t really need to be anymore. I’m now working on Ingvild and Bec, I think they have pretty good notes as well. Now that I’ve wasted so much of my precious time on this question I’m going to be late for my client. You see, I’ve already started to recruit patients, seeing as I’m already so very capable at psychiatry.

---haha!

Because it's Olympics...

Was just reading something from Readers Digest:

During a race in the one man Fin Class sailing competition, Larry Lemieux of Canada was running in second place and was well on his way to a medal ceremony. Suddenly, the sailor spotted Joseph Chan of Singapore, who was competing in a different race, flailing in turbulent water well away from his capsized boat. Chan had been thrown from his small craft and was in danger of drowning in the rough seas.

Lemieux immediately veered off course, sacrificing his chance of winning a medal and ferried Chan back to his overturned boat. Chan and his team mate were then picked up by a rescue boat. Officially, Lemieux finished 11th place in the event but International Olympic Committee President Juan Antonio Samaranch later recognised his act by awarding him the Pierre de Coubertin medal for sportsmanship.

...........................................................................................................

At the most recent Winter Olympiad, Canadian Sarah Renner was leading her team in the gruelling cross country team sprint ski race when her left ski pole snapped. She pushed on, but it seemed hopeless. On an uphill slope, several skiers passed her.

Then something truly extraordinary happened. An unknown man stepped forward from the side of the course and handed Renner another ski pole. She immediately got back in the race and with a mighty effort, managed to make up some of the lost time. In the end, it was enough to capture the silver medal for Canada.

It was not until after the race that Renner learnt the identity of her benefactor. He turned out to be Bjoernar Haakensmoen, the coach of the Norwegian team who finished fourth. Haakensmoen immediately became a hero in Canada. One Montreal newspaper ran a one-word banner headline simply proclaiming, TAKK the Norwegian word for thank you.

Haakensmoen didn't understand all the attention. "The Olympic spirit is the way we try to follow. If you win but don't help somebody when you should have, what win is that?"

(Rd, Aug 2008)
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I guess these two stories have got me thinking of my own selfishness. All of us know that these people train very hard and a medal is a big thing. If I were in those situations what would I do? Even now, in the mundane hospital life I must admit, the "kiasu" spirit prevails where there is a slight tinge of jealousy if another student describes what they got to do or assist or when they saw an interesting patient you missed. Or when I am unwilling to give up some extra sleep or what not to avoid inconveniences. I guess it is sobering to realize, the reality of my selfishness and hopefully repent.

Identity

A few weeks ago, my aunt kindly brought me to watch a play. It was about the Battle of Gallipoli the first war that Australia had participated in as part of the Allied forces.

For starters, I never knew that ANZAC stood for Australian and New Zealand Army Corps. I stay near Anzac Parade, love the Anzac holiday day off and eat Anzac cookies yet didn't know the acronym. Haha.

Anyway, it was very much an Australian patriotic production showing the lives of the young Australians in the battle. I must confess to being a noob, I've sort of heard about the charge of the light calvary (the poem) and WW1 but not much beyond that. It is different to see things from an Australian perspective and for most in attendance like my cousin, they have grown up learning about this in history lessons. Where as I've been learning about Parameswara and the magical deer in the forest..haha.

The thick Australian spirit got me thinking however. If I were to actually stay on in this country, how much of it do I know? More so, how much of Australia do I love and would actually take ownership of especially in the context of a Christian.

How odd is it sometimes to be a 2nd generation Malaysian Chinese living/studying in Australia.
To the Chinese, I am not Chinese enough because I am quintessentially a "banana" yellow on the outside but white on the inside and can't read or write Chinese.
To the Western world, I am pretty Asian in my values, introvertness and even sense of humor.
In Malaysia, I am not Malay yet it is my birthplace and where I grew up. A place where we are not always wanted, sometimes 2nd class citizens but yet at the same time free enough to live in peace.
A person who looks Chinese but who speaks Bahasa Malaysia better than Chinese and thinks in English.

Don't know if you've noticed but we Malaysian Chinese always state our race and nationality as separate, so unlike the Indonesians and Fillipino Chinese who often just state their nationality.

Amy Tan writes about being a 1st generation American Chinese.
Someone should write something about being a double immigrant; a Malaysian Chinese migrating to the western world.

In recent weeks..

...Christmas in July with family in the Blue Mountains.
The chair is classic..and I love creative shops!

Closing night of Hillsong conference
...size vs depth? suited for the masses or alienate but the theological? save "many" or stick to the pure "few"? head knowledge that is not applied? or emotions that are unchecked?
...but for what it's worth, at least some are living what they sing.

...coffee festival


... a road trip with a few friends


On another note, I've not been able to express in words what I am "feeling"
Disillusioned seems to strong a word, "sien" is too flat an expression.

But this hits it right on...

"Within the kaledioscope of my distorted childhood memories is the image of a dusty, deserted road in rural Canada. As I recall it, there were no signs indicating direction or distance to go....
The hour was late and my family and I had been travelling that road for an entire day. We were lost, tired and not a little irritable with one another...

Why not turn back? We had simply traveled too far to do so. Besides, the road had to go somewhere. But where?

The trip had begun with such excitement, an adventuresome spirit about going new places. But now all the zeal had dissipated. I guess we began to wonder why we'd ever left home.

I have often recalled the feelings and frustration of that late-night, dark-road experience whenever my life seemed to be momentarily turn into a mindless or spiritless journey crammed with events (not experiences) and contacts (not relationships)."

Gordon MacDonald, Renewing Your Spiritual Passion.

A day at a time

...."and we will cross that bridge when we get to it," as my consultant psychiatrist always says to his patients.


Indeed.
I cannot look beyond today.