In Australia...

There are lots of beaches...


Lots of wildlife....




And a new species recently discovered!
Postulated to have migrated from the southern island off the coast of Johor.
Natural habitat: Rainforest, temperate region
Eats: Rice and sometimes chilli crabs
BMI: less than 20
Extremely endangered and aggressive animal-do not feed or approach if spotted
May bite!
Looking for female equivalent


Disclaimer: The events depicted in this blog post are fictitious. Any similarity to any person living or dead is merely coincidental.

Haha

During holidays

Be careful what you wish for

It was late 2005, in sem 4 when my family and I visited family in Sydney. Staying in my aunt's place in Randwick, I suddenly had the idea to visit UNSW's campus because I thought it would be great to bring my sisters and see a real uni (as opposed to our "beloved" converted shopping centre IMU).

Since UNSW's library alone is bigger than the whole IMU, it had the library lawn etc etc that we all picture when we think of an overseas uni. And because Sydney Children's Hospital was just next door, I suggested that we pop by and have a look. Bear in mind, at this point, UNSW was not even in my universities transfer list and I was pretty set since entering IMU to go on to UK (since I decided not to take up a 1st yr offer in UNSW med).

I remember that we went and took pictures of the Fairy Garden and a grand rounds was just finishing in the lecture theater. Just casually I thought wow this is a nice place. I would love to be working here. I never ever thought I would actually end up living in Sydney of all places. My university did not even twin with UNSW!

Now, 2+++yrs onwards, I still sometimes struggle to find the reason God has brought me to Sydney. In some ways, I would have maybe gone crazy if I actually went to the UK and had classes while my mum had the diagnosis of cancer. Not having the 6 months holiday of staying with her in KL. And in many ways, having family here has been heaps helpful as well.

Yet, dashed dreams as well, and seriously unsure even about what God actually wants of my life. If I had ended up in UK, it was almost 100% sure I would have gone back to Malaysia after postgrad years. It's less clear in Australia where there's family here as well, and plus how He has stirred me here. And even more surprising the twists and turns. The selfish me pre med school would never want to go back to Malaysia and then He changed me to die to self after a long protracted struggle (UK and back home, some more for me to share it with others, ah!) and then suddenly change again. How can He do this to me! Haha :)

Now I cannot even say where I will end up...who knows I might even go back after graduation? Or go to another country? I don't know.

Anyway, I just find it ironic that I am back at Sydney Children's Hospital.
Indeed, be careful what you wish or even utter, God hears everything!

Playing truant

My favourite 2nd hand bookstore where you can get a coffee and read

Rows of books and a latte (btw, can anyone enlighten me on the difference between a flat white and a latte?)

I think this song speaks for itself.

Many are the words we speak
Many are the songs we sing
Many kinds of offerings
But now to live the life

Many are the words we speak
Many are the songs we sing
Many kinds of offerings
But now to live the life

Help us live the life
Help us live the life
All we want to do is bring you something real
Bring You something true

(We hope that) Precious are the words we speak
(We pray that) Precious are the songs we sing
Precious all these offerings
But now to live the life

Help us live the life
Help us live the life
All we want to do is bring you something real
Bring You something true

Help us live the life
Help us live the life
All we want to do is bring you something real
Bring You something true

Now to go the extra mile
Now to turn the other cheek
And to serve You with a life
Let us share your fellowship
Even of your sufferings
Never let the passion die...
Now to live the life...
Now to live the life
Now to live the life
Now to live the life

24

That day we met at her parents' house, Rolake and I sat outside watching the bustle in the streets, snacking on fried plantain chips she bought from a passing child vendor. I asked her if she ever felt it was unfair, her infection, and the way that HIV had hijacked her life, thrusting her into this role of activism. She shook her head vehemently.....

...."At this point, HIV is just one of the five hundred things going on in my life."
"Being lonely is bigger than HIV in my life. I'm not alone-I live at home with my parents, I have friends-but it's incredibly lonely. Because the things I want to do, the things I really want to say, there's nobody to say them to. What you call beautiful nonsense, you know-I have nobody to do that with and that's incredibly lonely."


A personal book of 28 stories of people with HIV in Africa.
I must confess that the names of countries do blur into one, even some stories may almost be stereotypical of what we expect of a continent associated with poverty. Yet, stories that remind again and again, this is a broken world where there is so much need for justice and compassion. Grace and mercy.

Always his

Random goodness

You don't need to rinse fish, chicken, pork, or any other meat before cooking. Not only does it not get rid of bacteria, it spreads bacteria (if water splashes from the sink in the process of rinsing). What kills bacteria much more effectively is cooking.

So why do so many cooks rinse their fish and chickens? Because their mothers used to ;)

Here is a quote from Cook's Illustrated on the subject:
Not only is there no scientific evidence to support your mother's practice, science is actually against you on this one. The U.S. Department of Agriculture, as well as food agencies in the United Kingdom and elsewhere, advises against washing poultry. Rinsing chicken will not remove or kill much bacteria, and the splashing of water around the sink can spread the bacteria found in raw chicken. (Cooking poultry to 165 degrees Fahrenheit effectively destroys the most common culprits behind food-borne illness.)

From: http://beyondsalmon.blogspot.com/2006/02/to-rinse-or-not-to-rinse-that-is.html

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Even after reading this, I still cannot not rinse my chicken or meat or fish..
And even though people have told me not to rinse prawns when you cook/buy them because it will wash away the sweetness, psychologically I still cannot do it!

And I am sure 99% of us wash our chickens etc before cooking!

I guess the same logic applies to wiping cutlery with pink tissue paper at restaurants/coffee shops before using them. It doesn't take the bacteria or even dust away...

But of course, dunking them in hot water...that's another story

Another view

So yea, I can be quite a random person at times.
Random statements, random jokes on my sisters like logging on into Sab's facebook and posting random pictures for fun. ;)

One afternoon 2 weeks ago, I finished hospital early and was waiting for the free COFA (College of Fine Arts) bus back to uni/home. Having 30minutes or so to spare, I decided that I should have a look at the gallery since I never have the luxury of soaking up the artsy air even though I've been at Vinnies for 1year plus (as I am always running to catch the bus back).

Being the jakun (uncultured) Labuanite who stays in trees, I honestly thought the pictures were "fugly." I have never been a fan of modern art, and no matter how cultured and artsy I tried to convince myself to be, I just felt the pictures were kindergarden scrawls!

Of course, being jakun as well, I didn't bother to pick up the picture guide and it was only when I finished and walked out, I read the synopsis of the exhibition. It was actually a collection of pictures drawn by autistic children.

And everything shifted after that. The pictures became more than just fugly scribblings but testaments of the children's efforts. No longer judging merely from a stereotypical view of prettiness but triumphant beauty.

I like to imagine that's how God views our lives. The tangles and blotches on our canvas.
Perhaps not necessarily pretty in the world's standards
but...hopefully beautiful in God's.

The things we learn in med school

As told during our lecture today:

Five doctors went duck hunting one day. Included in the group were a general practitioner, a pediatrician, a psychiatrist, a surgeon and a pathologist. After a time, a bird came winging overhead. The first to react was the general practitioner who raised his shotgun, but then hesitated.

"I'm not quite sure it's a duck," he said, "I think that I will have to get a second opinion." And of course by that time, the bird was long gone.

Another bird appeared in the sky soon thereafter. This time, the pediatrician drew a bead on it. He too, however, was unsure if it was really a duck in his sights and besides, it might have babies. "I'll have to do some more investigations," he muttered, as the creature made good its escape.

Next to spy a bird flying was the sharp-eyed psychiatrist. Shotgun shouldered, he was more certain of his intended prey's identity. "Now, I know it's a duck, but does it know it's a duck?" The fortunate bird disappeared while the fellow wrestled with this dilemma.

Finally, a fourth fowl sped past and this time the surgeon's weapon pointed skywards and he fired without hesitation. BOOM!! The surgeon lowered his smoking gun and turned nonchalantly to the pathologist beside him: "Go see if that was a duck, will you?"

A dash of perspective..

I have been dreading the 7 o'clock starts with surgery recently.
And a little frazzled in Cardiothoracic surgery where everything is high powered (I am so afraid of knocking over the harvested veins when scrubbed in) and everyone is highly strung. (Which is why our residents work 7am to 8pm every night for 6 days and then get the whole week off and alternate)

But I am reminded that I am actually in a very blessed place.
My hospital is state of the art and simply beautiful.
I have quite a cushy job as a RA and get paid to attend MDT meetings (of which I would have attend anyway as a student).
And I am reminded of the pre U days where I was looking forward and dying to get into med (and now dreading and complaining about things!)

So yea, life is good :)

And she shall be called woman..

with a mixture of events last week, it does feel sometimes almost cursed to be a woman. (To be theologically correct, we are indeed cursed as mentioned in Genesis; just in a different way for men and a different way for women)

there are times where I am convinced that life would be easier to be born a man.
Easier to go for mission trips (and yet more girls always go than guys)
Easier to do "dangerous" things
Easier to lead at church

where as a woman, depth can be a liability and where there is some truth to this phrase "The average girl would rather have beauty than brains, because she knows the average man can see much better than he can think"
where we are created with emotions and an innate sense of fostering relationships (not merely the bgr kind) yet those are the most unpredictable of the lot
and plus in today's age, at the same time we have to be equal if not better than men in our careers and achievement esp in medicine.

And there is a tug, where we are created to cry and yet in the wake of passive manhood we have no choice but to be independent. Which then becomes a liability because men want to be needed.
What a paradox!
And because we are women, we feel so much deeper and with a deeper love hand in hand comes a deeper hurt.

Which is why I cried today at church service where Mothers Day was celebrated. Where the sermon was simple but a testimony of mothers.
For the women and their pain.
I cried for you, who lost his mother 10 years ago. I remember you even here.
For mothers who have to shoulder a greater responsibility most of the time to make families work.
For the women who are left holding their children when fathers walk away.
For women who are often most affected by wars men plan.

(credits:www.postsecret.blogspot.com)

And yet, also reminded beautifully again...
although we feel so much deeper and with a deeper love comes a deeper hurt.
but with a deeper hurt, births also a deeper love.

The sinful woman who was forgiven by Jesus lavished perfumed oil to wash his feet.
It was the women who stayed while Jesus was hung on the cross.
The godly mothers who were instrumental in teaching their children to love God.
Women also outnumber men in the global church.

I don't mean this to be a guy bashing post. :)
Certainly guys have the work cut out for them as well.

I guess, it is just a reminder to us girls, yes womanhood is full of emotions and we carry the weight of many things, but I believe and pray in God, He will redeem our womanhood even as we try to juggle so many challenges.

Happy Mothers Day.

Snapshots

(Beautiful conference site)

Went for IMPACT, a CMDFA (Christian Medical and Dental Fellowship of Australia) annual camp where doctors and med/dental students came from all over Australia to Sydney.


New faces, old friends (like Yoda!) and although nothing "earth-shattering" new, great reminders of what God is doing and generously allows us to partner Him. Themes of mercy, justice, compassion echoed again clear. A refreshing acceptance of Christians with different ways of worship; John Dickson (Sydney Anglican) giving the main address yet also "free worship" at night and "Brethren style" open floor for people to pray and share.


And I went canoeing in this lake!


Anyway,
Over the past 2 years I've began to be more selective in my reading, greatly preferring older or those with a life-story to tell. Looking back at my walk, my perceptions and responses have been sharply redefined by "suffering." I find myself drawn to those who have endured rather than the next big thing on the Christian scene. There is something refining about the fire and something genuine after the pruning.

And so, this is something I find true....

"I think it is important to see the present calamity in a true perspective. The war creates no absolutely new situations; it simply aggravates the permanent human situation so that we can no longer ignore it. Human life has always been lived on the edge of a precipice...We are mistaken when we compare war to "normal life." Life has never been normal....

War makes death real to us: and that would have been regarded as one of its blessings by most of the great Christians in the past. They thought it good for us to be always aware of our mortality. I am inclined to think they were right. All the animal life in us, all schemes of happiness that centred in this world, were always doomed to a final destruction. In ordinary times only a wise man can realise it. Now the stupidest of us knows. We see unmistakably the sort of universe in which we have all along be living, and must come to terms with it. If we had foolish un-Christian hopes about human culture, they are now shattered. If we thought we were building up a heaven on earth, if we looked for something that would turn the present world from a place of pilgrimage into a permanent city satisfying the soul of man, we are disillusioned, and not a moment to soon.

CS Lewis "Learning in wartime" 1939.

And indeed it is true, for now even me, the stupidest of us, knows.
Thus now I am not disillusioned, but rather was disillusioned before.

I love my mum

and she is just a great blessing to my life!

Her courage and love.
And she's "cute" as well! Late last year, she suddenly wanted to write for the church magazine.

So here's from Cecilia Chua:

Last September, I flew from Labuan to Kuala Lumpur with my family to be treated for breast cancer. I had to have a mastectomy and other medical treatment. Pastor Ling and a few Christian friends supported us throughout the hospital stay. Without them, we would have been quite lost. During my first chemotherapy session, my white blood cell count plummeted to 0.5. My immune system was extremely weak as white blood cell count of a normal person is about 4. Clots of blood were also coming out from my uterine.

I was really scared. I was rushed to the hospital's emergency ward by my eldest daughter Sarah, who was on holiday and could hence be with me. Praise God for His timing. Dr Jamila who saw me at the emergency insisted that I see the gynaecologist who scanned my uterus and found that I had fibroids. I was treated with hormones. Later, during my quiet time, I read Psalm 121. I could not stop crying. I sensed the Lord reaching out His hand and saying that my walk on earth was not finished.

However, the bleeding did not stop. During my third chemotherapy session, my white blood cell count was then 1 but I had no fear. God's peace was with me and 2 Corinthians 5:7 kept coming to me. "We live by faith and not by sight." From then on, the lyrics in the song became real. Tissues were my best friend during praise and worship in church as I would be overwhelmed by tears of thankfulness and awe of our great God. Thank God too for my husband, Meng Yong who was with me through all my six chemotherapy sessions.

I could sense God's presence everywhere even in the hospital. While I was given my 11th herceptin (a new anti cancer drug) intravenously, one of the nurses in charge came and held my right hand. I felt God holding my right hand as another nurse took my blood. Isaiah 41:10 flashed. "So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Today I am still on treatment and have six more courses of herceptin. Through Him I had victoriously gone through six chemotherapy sessions and 11 courses of herceptin.

Senior Pastor Daniel's message about "people do not care how much we know until they know how much we care" is true. Sister Pang whom I knew from an alter call prayer, messaged me early one morning before treatment and told me to collect a second book she wanted to give me. It made my day sparkle to know someone cared. People in the hospital asked me why I continued smiling. I shared with them that I was not alone and that there were people in my church who cared. I pray that I will also make a difference in other peoples' lives.

One afternoon when I was very down, God prompted Shirley (whom I met during the 21 days of prayer and fasting) to call me. Her call really reminded me of Hebrews 13:5 which says "Never will I leave you, never will I forsake you." Shirley has been a blessing. She takes me out to lunch and also brings my helper Herliani, my second daughter Sabrina and I home from church faithfully.

I thank my SS14 cell group and Herliani's Bahasa cell group for upholding me in prayer. Thank God too for providing Sabrina who has just finished her South Australian Matriculation programme, to be with me. I am also thankful to everyone who has helped me. I look forward to
have my youngest daughter, Serene joining me next year. Indeed, God is good yesterday, today and forever. I trust my Almighty God and I confess His healing words everyday.

("My Help Comes from The Lord." Floodgates Issue 42, pg 4 Jan-Feb 2008)



Happy 52th birthday mum!

I am..

...reminded of God's amazing faithfulness!

For Jane

I don't normally do this but since it's a request by msn all the way from London, here goes :)
8 random facts about me:

1) I grew up in a small island that is so small that there's no McDonalds! (yea, laugh, laugh. There's KFC and Pizza Hut thought!)

2) Because I grew up surrounded by the sea, I can tell the difference between saltwater fish and freshwater fish by taste.

3) And I never knew that most people can't tell the difference in "fish taste" till I moved to the big city of KL and had people exclaim in amazement that I could.

4) I drink green tea everyday (more antioxidants! haha)

5) I have a spot on my sclera which looks like a haemorrhagic spot. I distinctly remember being bitten by an ant when I was very very young.....but I don't know how reliable my memory is! But it is a good way of telling if someone is looking into my eyes when they notice ;)

6) I had a milk tooth extracted when I was 19 because it just did not fall off.

I am running out of things to say....

7) I never wanted to become a doctor but a war/current affairs journalist (so naive, and of course the lack of insight on my writing skills!)

8) I am sensitive to caffeine and thus avoid any trace of caffeine even in Coke or tea after 6pm. But I make an exception for chocolates!

Won't be tagging anyone.

Just a picture from one of the storefronts in Darlinghurst, the uber chic area near my hospital.

An amazing quote!

"Yet the silence of God is not the same as the absence of God"

from: A Turkish Theologian.
An excellent account of the persecuted church.


More:

...This reality forces us to take another look at what Paul means in Romans 8:28 by "our good." If our good is a stable, safe, healthy, happy, and reasonably wealthy middle-class life, then logically one can conclude that God really does not work for the good of the largest portion of the global church today.

Similarly, when we look at Paul's list of sufferings in 2 Corinthians 11, it's clear that Paul's life will never be known as a good one by today's pop psychology or quick-fix spirituality books....

...But, our highest good is not a problem-free life; it is to be like the Son....

If u plan to raise a child in Australia..

..or maybe any anglo-saxon country..
..or even in Malaysia (come to think of it)

don't name your child Sarah!

In my tutorial group of 16 people, of which half are guys..
there are 3 Sarahs! 3/8 chance of having a person named Sarah.

And in my bible study group last year..
there were 4 Sarahs!

And there is normally a Sarah or two among the nurses on the wards
which always results in me being "perasaan" (aka overrating self) when I hear "Sarah"

At least atm, I'm the Asian Sarah.

:)

It's now time to...

...buy chocolate bunnies and eggs!

The true Asian in me would only buy today when it's heavily discounted :)

Privileged

Having just completed my neurology term, I must really say that I am very privileged to be under my team. Even though I am just a lowly medical student and the bottom of the food chain, the registrars and intern have invited me to join them for lunches & even...."shout" (Australian lingo for buy) me lunches numerous times. And my registrar even bought me a box of chocolates! (It should be the other way around!)

The best part is that after work one day, they even asked me along to Bankstown (which is a good 40 min drive away) for Pho (Vietnamese beef soup) because our intern who's Viet recommended it.

Although I did walk around this term feeling like the biggest idiot as my neuroanatomy is not great, I've learn from this team about the personal side of medicine and working life. How connections and rapport with consultants must be developed.

And I hope I don't look that old, because I have been mistaken as the neurology registrar (not even an intern or resident!!!!) by a consultant... ^_^

***************************

There's new experiences everyday, some which are surprisingly delightful others which require another step of endurance.

Just can't put it in words.
Circumstances I would never have chosen or wished upon others even, yet somehow falls into place in His sovereign rule and wisdom.

Pleased BUT...

When the first winds of dissent blew at the BERSIH and HINDRAF protests, we Malaysians were still skeptical if BN will lose its 2/3 majority. Even as a facebook group was set up, still I didn't think it was possible.

I am especially pleased that Hindraf leader and ISA-detainee M Manoharan, on a DAP ticket, obtained 12,699 votes to win with a 7,184-vote majority. In prison, with no campaigning!
Again, I respect people who dare to protest and even go all the way to prison when they could be comfortable as rich Indian lawyers.

Now, it seems that BN will retain 2/3 but barely survive.
(*update...seems like BN only has a simple majority! for the 1st time in history!! Unbelievable!)

Who would have even imagined Lim Guan Eng being Penang CM? Or Kelantan, Kedah, Penang, Selangor & Perak be under opposition leadership?

Unfortunately UMNO (United Malays National Organization) has not lost that many seats and the biggest losers are MIC (Malaysian Indian Congress) and MCA (Malaysian Chinese Association).

Even as smses are being sent by Christians all over Malaysia because there's a sense of change, an electric atmosphere of both hope for a new change and fear that the current government will sow racial tensions.....

But we have woken up. Hopefully a change for the better!


Malaysians, pray pray pray.

This is groundbreaking!!

I am going to have RSI from repeatedly reloading Malaysiakini every 5 minutes.

So many big guns are going down in a blaze. This is something new, almost revolutionary for Malaysia!!! I am glad though that some really big fish have finally lost! Enough with the cracked highways and collapsing buildings!

But will this polarize us by race even more?
As much as I respect people like Lim Kit Siang, Tian Chua, Teresa Kok...can Barisan Rakyat be united enough to change Malaysia?

Will this be for the better?

I pray it will. Join me in prayer. :)

Anyway, it's time for

some non serious fun...(at my expense).

So, a few weeks back, during ward rounds a patient needed a new cannula. Of course no med student will not pass up the opportunity to poke patients so I went to get the equipment and set it all up.

Slowly but surely I put it in and a tinge of red flashback appeared. Success......

...until I fumbled around the kidney dish, looking for a cap!

You'd have guessed by now that I did not have a cap! And by now the blood was pouring out of the beautiful cannula I put in.
What's even better is that since it was a ward round, 2 registrars and my intern was there!
Of course they saved me by dashing to get a cap in the end, but not till there was a 30cm diameter of redness on the patient's sheets. Which was matched probably by the redness of my face.


Anyway, a obligatory picture of IMU seniors in Sydney.
We are surely growing in numbers as more uk people head over.


There's another fun experience of being a simulated comatose patient for the AMC exams, but that's for another day.

Election

With the minimal knowledge I have in marketing, what I do know is that advertisers often have a target audience and thus place advertisements accordingly.

Which is interesting but not surprising that on the webportal of Malaysiakini, there's an advertised link for migration to Australia. Maybe the rational is that people will get so sick of the current situation in Malaysia and thus, viola, they will click on the link.

I wonder how many of us who formerly professed our desire to serve God still care about the going ins and outs of the country or are we more busy finding ways to advance our careers? Or even merely the best sale, stuff to buy, places to go?

With the election heating up, there's so much to read, to know, to follow.
The injustice, corruption, increasing restriction of religious freedom.

But, I will not say anything because I don't have the right to, until and unless I turn the tide and choose to return home. I cannot write proudly and patriotically like Crz. Cuz he has chosen to stay back.

An eventful week

....where 12 patients passed on in 1 week.
And not just merely patients I see on rounds, but patients that I admitted personally.

Some people may call it post traumatic stress; but I actually dream last week that I had lung ca with 4 weeks to live. (My enemies will breath a sigh of relief! haha :) ).
But it wasn't a nightmare because in the dream I felt okay and just wanted to see my family before I die. I guess in some sense, having tasted a little bit of the sorrows in life, it's alright to "leave" this earth and there's not much I miss.

....and when I am tempted to complaint and feel sorry for myself, I am reminded that I am (at least atm) not terminally ill. In the midst of unwelcome circumstances, there's still so much to be grateful and genuinely thankful for!

Therefore, since we are receiving a kingdom that cannot be shaken, let us be thankful, and so worship God acceptably with reverence and awe, for our God is a consuming fire.
Hebrews 12: 28-29

(*disclaimer, I've not learnt nor practiced the full extend of this verse, esp the consuming fire part...which is why I add this disclaimer, as having tasted a little bit of heat, I know that truly I am far off from living this out)

Happy CNY

Of course, this is still my all time favourite

Capre Diem

Rounding the wards; especially when you see patients with similar disease but now in the "special unit"....

....I couldn't help but send a quick SMS to my mum "I love you. Haha"

Every day is a perfect day to say that. And every day is an purchased miracle from God, Ps Daniel Ho.

What's normal?

They were still playing with the resident cat on the ward, smiling at nurses, eagerly eating free ice cream from the fridge.
Only 8 and 10. Was to be their first day back at school but they weren't in their uniforms.

Their father had passed on only an hour or two before.

I can't help but wonder, do they understand the true impact of how their lives have changed?
The "trials" in my life are mere blips compared to theirs and it's a good month for me if I don't tear.
How life can be hard without a father?

But maybe they do; their mother smiled in her sobs as she showed the last pictures of her husband. That eating ice cream and simply going on with life is what's life about.

A crack of vulnerability

I think one of the hardest things of last year was moving to a completely foreign country, suddenly jammed into 4th year as the pioneer batch from a university no one here knows about and then having to rebuild friendships from scratch.

Which by and large is not too far away from what everyone else in IMU experiences when we are suddenly scattered around the world; but fresh from the harrowing experiences of cancer, I struggled to give and listen to airy descriptions of what I did during the weekend nor did not know how to answer "how are yous"
Do you be honest and tell the whole emotional drama to a person whom you only know by name and faculty? And it was a dilemma, for I was dying to have deep conversations yet if a stranger was to walk up to me and poured out their life story, I'd probably freak out!

How do you ask your church friends whom you've probably only meet a few times "How does a loving God fit into the picture of death?" And like it or not, I was not there and am not there as some of my closest friends struggle thousands of kilometers away, vice versa it is unfair of me to expect them to be there all the time.

And even follow up seems a little disjointed. I speak to my pastors back home and then I speak to my pastors here, my pastors back home know me and work through some things; the pastors here know me as I struggle through my current issues. Which is working alright at the moment; but it does take effort and coordination (of which I am grateful to my leaders for being so patient and gracious with me!)

Also, in a sense I've always pathologically looked up to him as the leader. More than expecting calls or emails, I guess what I was really looking for at that point was someone who'd work with me through my theological questions and doubts. Where when my father himself was troubled and my mother needed all the comfort and assurance, where when I had to bridge the gap for my younger sisters, someone who would listen, whom it would be alright to say "I really want to believe in God but I am struggling to." "I am hurting, I don't know where else to turn to because even God seems far now, help me, pray with me"
Though it was not his fault and yes, he has been gracious and respectful so yea don't send flaming emails to him. Haha.

I blame palliative care for bringing up all these emotions again!
But in an essence, I guess I am learning to live out what I always used to sing.....
(blindly and in ignorance!! A song, and along with many songs After cancer (AC,haha) I wished I've never sung without thinking...)

"You're all I want, You're all I've ever needed. You're all I want. Help me know You are near."

So yea, is He really all we want? All we need?
Is He really enough for us when things are stripped away?

My sister,

.....is going to the best uni in the world, haha, in my own biased opinion.

IMU dentistry!
and twinning to Oz!
Congrats babes. Haha.

A demonstration of IMU's lameness:

The weight of wings

You have heard me tell of Gladys Aylward, the 'small woman' of China, whom I heard speak many years ago at Prairie Bible Institute in Alberta. She told how when she was a child she had two great sorrows. One, that while all her friends had beautiful golden hair, hers was black. The other, that while her friends were still growing, she stopped. She was about four feet ten inches tall. But when at last she reached the country to which God had called her to be a missionary, she stood on the wharf in Shanghai and looked around at the people to whom He had called her.

"Every single one of them," she said, "had black hair. And every single one of them had stopped growing when I did. And I said, 'Lord God, You know what You're doing!'"
Elisabeth Elliot

And so, surprisingly I feel different arriving back; not quite so damp anymore
a wee bit more hopeful with a tinge of expectation and a dash of excitement.

I choose to be hopeful even though hope opens the possibility of dashed expectations.
I choose to trust that He knows what He's doing.

Sydney is my home, for this season.

For now..

I am so unprepared to start clinical school again on Monday!
Having arrived only in Dec and starting so soon, I don't feel rested enough.

And I am starting with a "great" block, palliative care.
For one thing, our medical blocks are randomly allocated and I already did an oncology block for my 1st posting last year. Is it a coincidence?

Have had great conversations.
It has convinced me more than ever, God does answer prayers but in ways we never imagined.
That those close are going deep because we prayed that we as a group of believers in IMU wanted to be doctors/health professionals who made a difference, who understood compassion. For until and unless we have wrestled with the questions of suffering, doubt and pain how can we ask dying people to look to God? How callous and shallow of us if we do.

The paradox

As my youngest sister and I were just talking, her statements surprised me.

"When so many bad things happen, you end up feeling "whatever."New bad news doesn't make you so sad anymore, but you also don't feel happy when good things come. You become numb."

I am not surprised at the statement itself, because it's been what I've felt this year. My sobering surprise was that she, at 17, have lost the innocence and rose colored glasses while I only woke up to this rude reality called life at 21.

As I look back at this year, I am still at a lost to respond correctly to God/people.

A new sensitivity awaken; to participate in the fellowship of suffering.

This post is a new year request to pray for the following people.
People I hold with regard, whom I cry for; because if it hurts so bad in my own minor hiccups, I know the struggle must be so much more magnified in theirs.

1) The Chin family.

I can only marvel at their love for God. The choice they made in staying in a tiny village away from Phomn Pehn, where there's no electricity or running water! For Ps Kenneth to give up his engineering career. Learning a new language. The kids who are home schooled, not having a fridge let alone a TV or internet.

And yet there's a deeper story still, because their son Jonathan has a hole in his heart. Having been to Cambodia, the rural hospitals are such that cows graze 50 meters away, where not every hospital has electricity (forget about basics like X-rays or even sterilizing equipment). Yet they are willing to take up their cross and obey.
Do pray that God's favor will rest upon this family and their ministry.

2) My grandmother
When I came back in July this year, I actually made an emergency flight from KL to Sibu and back in 1 day because my grandfather was deteriorating. I've never spoken of it, but it was depressing as he was nose-fed and had both legs amputated to his thighs. Ever since his dementia, she was his primary care giver. He passed away on my birthday this year.

Due to my bad Hokkien we have rarely spoken deeply. And my mother has had her own cancer thing to deal with at the same time, so it's hard to physically show care and His love to my grandmother.
Do pray for her that, although I don't know how, she will know this God who love enough to die for us.

3) Our IMU senior
It's odd because I've never met this guy and don't know him personally.
Yet when I read his site, I couldn't help but feel for him as well.
Perhaps there's a sense of connection from reading all the get well messages from IMU CFers around the world on his blog. Perhaps because he was/is part of IMU (IMC) CF.

A man at the peak of his career; coming out of this unknown med uni in Malaysia called IMU, going overseas, probably with the big financial sacrifice of his family and finally making it in Mayo Clinic. A man who has chosen a tough specialty, Onco/Haem. And from the request IMU CF recently received from SAD's Charlene to pray for him, most likely a very active Christian during his student days in IMU. For more info, visit his site as I can't write what I have no 1st hand knowledge about.
Do pray that God will be gracious and watch over him and his fiancee.


There are more friends, people I do care about but I just can't list out as due to privacy/ respect. Pray for them and me included, that in the ups and downs in life, somehow beyond human understanding, He will be more than enough.

It's hard

..not to be jealous, hearing different stories. Of course am really happy and glad for the numerous joyful testimonies of God's providence in their lives.

A year has passed and I feel I've taken so many steps back instead.
Perpetually fighting 1 setback after another; rejection, useless dreams, dilemmas and death
Even scarier to sit with my mentors and be told that this season might last years!

But one day at a time.
If I don't trust in God, there's nothing left to trust in

Right now..

..Lord, only You know.

After a long time

A few posts back, I wrote about this
After being away for a year, it was interesting to return back to the streets of Chow Kit.

As it drizzled prior to starting, the humidity mixed with the fumes of the traffic in addition to the clouds of cigarette smoke nearly choked the atmosphere under the tent. Yet the stench from the nearby garbage dump did not dampen the appetites of those who were gathered. Just a few familiar faces I recognize, I wonder where the others I knew have gone; prison? a changed life? death?

Grey hairs have started to colour Ps Richard's hair, no doubt the opening of another drug rehab home specially for women is busy work. The street ministry has grown even more than what I read about; there's now another street feeding at the same time in Brickfields, ministering to the dumb and deaf.

Since Christmas is coming near, a cell group has came to sing carols. The significance of the song Away in the Manger hits home as the voices strain to compete with the honking from the streets. No crib for his bed, indeed, many of those there had no real home.

I feel awkward returning, I struggle to speak my terrible Mandarin and my Bahasa now has a weird accent. Also, now I feel more comfortable hiding behind my medical knowledge; I found it easier to talk to a man about cutting down on smoking rather than about Jesus. Plus they are suspicious of me as well, a stranger. I used to know the regulars and they were my friends.

The visit back has tug a few heart strings. I am encouraged that the IMU juniors are trying to go every forthnight. I used to sell this ministry to CF and cg to not much success and yet a group of juniors I don't know have chose to go. Which I feel is God's timing as if people went during my time, I would have probably claimed the credit but now, it is God's.

Yet with it comes the reminder of my lost dreams. Certain things I dare not even hope or think about because the future is so fluid, unpredictable.

Anyway, I had pictures but silly me forgot to bring back my camera cable.

And as I was passing by..

...on transit, there was a large group of men waiting in the airport lounge. Of east-Asian origin, their clothes showed their humble backgrounds while they laid down on the floor on their white woven bags, resting from a long flight. Their agent, a rather fierce looking middle aged woman stood clutching a swath of passports and documents.

Rather unkindly but in all honesty, the 1st thought that crossed my mind when passing this group was "I hope they are not on my flight!" for there was a slight stench, probably as many had not had a shower since travelling miles? from their home village to the city to catch their flight.

Yet after moving into the waiting area, looking at them from across the glass partition, I was reminded that in many ways we have much in common, only that my family's migration happened 60+ years earlier in a time where laws and citizenships were fluid.

Both my grandfathers migrated from famine striken China to Malaysia and had blue collar jobs where my maternal grandfather started of as a labourer in the docks carrying goods. It's only by God's grace and hard work, our family is what it is today.

The men waiting out there had poorer prospects. Most will have to work hard, construction jobs for perhaps Rm10-20 (USD 3-5) per day. All have left their families and will not see them for the next 3-5 years.

And this is why I really love and believe in the work of my church who have started a Nepali and Bahasa service. Of people who have sacrificed their time to care for these people; my maid's cell group leader is a rich Chinese man who picks all the maids up for cell group in his house every Wednesday.

Indeed, despite the NEP policy that has forced us to study privately and overseas, in comparison to other migrants, we are still blessed.

As I was reading

....something today, questions about faith, life and God struck me

While I don't hope for everyone to have cancer and do rejoice in good news, does it mean that my own prayers were crap? I remember praying after the biopsy that the result would just be a momentary scare, that I would resume my job at IMU and our family would be normal again. So did I have not enough faith then?

More importantly, do I not have enough faith that the cancer is gone? Will the cancer come back just because I don't have enough faith or fail to pray enough? What's enough and what's not?

This too might reek of jealousy and self righteousness but here goes.
When my good friend and I started to pray together, we in similar situations; holding each other accountable and sharing our lives. Yet 3 years down the track she has entered a new season while I'm kind of lost. And despite my efforts in "guarding" myself, it still stung and happened the worst possible moments. Twice.

Of course, objectively I also don't deserve some of the blessings lavished on me.
My salvation, my close knitted family, the opportunity to be educated. I could have been born in squalor, abused and enslaved. I did survive a 360 deg car crash unharmed. And yes although cancer is bad, I do acknowledge as well that we are still blessed as we can afford to pay for treatment. Plus I am sitting here typing this with high speed broadband and running electricity which puts me in the top 10% of people in the world*, so I don't really have a case to argue! :)

No wonder there is such a warning against the "prosperity gospel" because it surely does make light of the countless other Christians who suffer in other parts of the world. It is still something I'm working on to balance the Charismatic faith-claiming along with the reality of the cross.

*estimated figure only with no sources to back me up..but u get my point! haha

Just random

Some people blog about philosophy, others rant about their day while more write to express their thoughts.

Most Asians though always write commentaries about dinner/trips/outings, pull out the camera and take lots of pictures. And so here goes my overdue picture post...

Unichurch ball-a while back

Dinner with our tutor-he was really helpful! Gave us tutes after hours from 5.30-7 ish every Wednesday

Bible study photos

Don't pause too long

The saying goes that if you fall down, you try, get up and go on.
And I'd like to think of myself as a fighter, haha however "perasaan" or inaccurate my judgment of myself is

Yet sometimes when the flurry of activity ends or especially in the early morning hours of getting up; when the defenses are down...

it hits me that....

somethings will never be
no matter how independent I want to be, I am not
and while I try and see that the glass is half full, it also means that it is half empty in the 1st place and I have to convince myself to ignore that

that I am trying but sometimes it's just not really enough.....
that even though I am fairly content with everything right now, there is still a little part of me that hopes for a better tomorrow.....

And back home

.....it almost looks like the Myanmar protests!

Just a short blurb..

It just occurred to me as I was chatting with my housemate on MSN as we were in our respective rooms, 2 meters away...how weird technology is!!
To my defense, we were comparing our hospital block preferences for next year and looking at the form online. But still, it's not uncommon unfortunately.

And I used to find it funny when other friends of mine who were housemates YM each other to ask if the other wanted to go for dinner.
That was until I opened my own MSN one day and found a msg from my housemate asking if I was sleeping or not.

Moving forward?

BY : DARRYL FOO - FLOODGATES

It was a memorable night at the recent dedication of the downtown Street Fellowship in Kuala Lumpur which is a collaborative effort of a few churches including DUMC. Many people came to witness the historical event. The venue which was on the first floor of a shophouse, was packed with men and women of all races and ages. The sound of hundreds of worshippers in a packed room echoing, singing to the line "Ya Abba Bapa, ini aku anakmu ..."; hands in the air with eyes closed, praying and worshipping the Lord was awesome. What was experienced during the night was not just the discovery of a Street Fellowship but the discovery of God's heart.

After the praise and worship session, the Fellowship leader, Pastor Kah Hoo shared how God had sustained the Fellowship despite occasions when the Fellowship would have been closed if not for the love of God. From a food-sharing programme, the ministry has grown into a full-fledge Fellowship. Each time the venue of the Fellowship was moved to a better environment, God brought in more people. Through this Fellowship, God has restored many lives.

Pastor Dr. Chew Weng Chee of SIB (KL) who also spoke at the dedication service, praise God and the leadership of different churches who collaborated, for having one heart and mind in this street ministry work. He quoted Isaiah 43:19 to share that there is only one way out of the wasteland and that was Jesus. The ministry would not work if Jesus was not here regardless of the commitment of all the staff. Everyone was present that night only because of one bond; Jesus Christ.

Pastor Daniel also spoke that night after the sharing of two powerful testimonies by Brother Ah Siong and Brother Ah Kong. Quoting Deuteronomy 24:19-22, Pastor Daniel said that the least, last and lost people are very close to the Lord's heart. When Christian reach out to them, they also reach out to God's heart and serve Christ. When people with real needs are ministered to, God's heart is ministered to as well. In Matthew 25:40, we are told that "... whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me."

Pastor Daniel went on to say it is important not only to minister to them, but with them. The equippming and discipling of the the street people is important and will continue for as long as the Lord wills it. Therefore, a church is needed as the Church of Jesus Christ will outlast us. There is a great need to plant more and multiply more street fellowships and churches as there are many in this community who need to hear the truth and receive a second chance in life.

Pastor Daniel had a word of encouragement for the people who served in the ministry of the least, last and lost people. He said their work will attract God's grace, attention and favour as promised in Isaiah 58:6-12. God wil be there to guide, provide and bless the servers and their work. No one can change a human heart but God can. This work will always be on the winning side as it touches God's heart and invites his visitation.

After Pastor Daniel's message, the dedication service concluded with a corporate prayer by the senior pastors of the churches that formed the Street Fellowship Committee.

The congregation then adjourned for a meal at the carpark area. What exciting times it is that DUMC may participate in a united Christian effort in planting a Fellowship for the street community. This is the beginning of a historic era for the Malaysian Churches. May DUMC minister to God's heart through her efforts in bringing the truth to the least, last and lost.

Reading this is both joyful but also time for honest self reflection
Joy because the ministry is moving forward. No longer merely a tent at the back of Petaling Street but a street church & a day center to meet the people's needs. Kenosis home now has 2 branches. The most difficult and dirtiest, dangerous (both spiritually and physically) place in KL/Klang with a church of their own.

Honest self reflection because when I read my blog post from long ago I realized that I was more bold, honest and passionate about things before the cancer and other things. I had self depreciating humour back then. Haha.
I've become quite quiet here and a little selfish even. In some sense, I am afraid to hope because hope raises the risk of disappointments.

But yea, Sun's sermon was a good reminder that Jesus chose the hard path. Not his will be done but God's.
So pray for me, as I pray myself that I will live and love. Care and risk caring. That my faith will not be merely circumstantial. And thank God that He does love despite the risks. Also for the awesome new church!

Life's weird

Funny weird when 2 people from opposite spectrums start dating each other
Odd weird when the most bizarre news gets reported (Lim Goh Tong and his wreaths?!)
Sad weird when the most unexpected people fall ill
Incomprehensible weird when bad things happen to good people who love God



"The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense."
-- Tom Clancy

Eat and be merry

I hope it's because I look really thin (haha, which I am not) that I keep getting food sent to me...

Because my Oz grandparents are going back to Malaysia for holidays next week, they are loading me up with food. I just got prawns and beehoon and chicken and bak kut teh delivered to me yesterday....and today I have 2 tubs of take away and hungry jacks (burger king) delivered to me again. And so, although I just have had a full lunch, I am enjoying a grilled chicken burger with cheese.

from the balcony

Eat

Chopsticks high up in the air; ready to pounce.
Echoes of "Chiak, chiak, chiak!*" play on and on.
The race is for the swiftest. Unsuspecting youngsters beware.....

Repeated shakes of head and numerous protests do not stop the influx of food on the plate. Save from physically lifting my plate of the table, nothing I do can stop more food from coming my way. Resisting one grandmother is hard enough. Trying to stop 2 grandmothers and a grandfather from ladling even more noodles on my full plate is almost impossible. And it is pure rudeness to put anything on your plate back to the main plate. So if anything touches your plate; it's yours.
Don't get me wrong; as a poor student I welcome free yumchas but non stop eating for 1-2 hours stretches my stomach lining a little to far.

After a while I learn a strategy; to eat as slow as possible and to never leave my plate empty because food will magically plop on my plate if there's space.

Chinese and food go together. Our typical greeting for "how are you?" is "have you eaten?"
I can almost guarantee, in a typical conversation between a Chinese parent and child on the phone, one of the 1st things would be to ask "have you eaten?" & "what did you eat?"

It may seem out of place in our age of glorying slimness but I guess in my grandparents' generation, I love yous were not spoken out loud. But rather, in the settings of poverty; giving their children that piece of meat while eating vegetables themselves was the way of saying I love you. And one can always know who was the favourite child by seeing who got ladled out the biggest piece of chicken drumstick.



So I guess it's a privilege and an honor to be fed.
& thankfully, my M'sian grandmother whom I've not seen for a few months didn't say "Pui liaw.....*" (as it is the custom to comment how fat/thin/tan/fair one is)

*chiak=hokkien for eat
*pui liaw=hokkien for you've become fatter

Which angle are you looking from?

As proof of my procrastination, I've read lots of NON-Medical books. (Which I will pay dearly if I fail my OSCE+Viva & not go back to Malaysia)

These 2 books present history; more specifically Israel's birth after WW2 from two different perspectives.

Golda Meir was Israel's 1st woman prime minister; a staunch Zionist.
Elias Chacour is a Palestinian Bishop.

Golda Meir writes about her life; the struggles as a young child living in poverty in America, her migration to a newly born Israel, the difficulties faced in a young country with not much infrastructure, lots of suspicion from their surrounding neighbours and the Yom Kippur war (which was a tactical surprise attack from Egypt and Syria on a "holy & rest" day for Israel). Clearly she was a formidable woman and from what she writes, you get the idea that Israel was a young country constantly under threat. And who can forget the reason Israel was created in the 1st place; to create a country where the displaced Jews who suffered under Hilter could call home.

Elias Chacour writes also about his life; running around the lush orchards of Galilee as a young boy, seeing the valleys Jesus himself must have walked, how the new Israel military evicted his whole village from their houses, how his family lost their orchards and almost their lives and how he chose to return to Israel from Europe. His story gives voice to a forgotten group of people, those who equally deserve the rights to a home of their own, people who have lived in the same land for generations, only to wake up and be called foreigners after a UN resolution.

Everyone has a side to the story.
And often times, no one is wrong.

How unique and how much more understanding we will have if only we get to hear the other side of the story. Which is why I think Clint Eastwood's take on the battle of Iwo Jima really smart!
(he filmed 2 different films about the same battle; one in Japanese to tell the story from the Japanese perspective, the other from the American perspective...and I can't believe I watched a war movie just because I wanted to see how he did it..! )


One day perhaps a dual story will be told by God; from His perspective and from mine.
But for now, it's time to stow away my side of the story.

Despite the calories...

...vanilla ice-cream mixed with peanut butter is tops

Thank you

It's almost a year.
Thank you, Lord.


Thank you.

Deja-vu?

I guess sometimes we give certain people in the bible a bad rap. Because we know the progression and ending of the bible stories, it's easy to comment that so and so should have had more faith or that he shouldn't have done that etc. But I've realized that if I was in the thick of some of the situations described, I would have reacted the same way; if not worst.

Which is why in the initial glance, the disciples' reaction to Jesus' remark to give the 4000 people something to eat in Mark 8:1-10 hardly surprising. If I were one of them, I would have said the same words, "But where in this remote place can anyone get enough bread to feed them?" Plus, this was in the days pre-Carrefour (or insert your favourite hypermart) where people made their own bread and even if there were shops, none would have been able to come up with 4000 loaves immediately. Of course, the place was remote as well and the disciples weren't exactly swimming in money either.

Yet, if we go back just 2 chapters before, an almost identical scene with 5000 men was recorded in Mark 6:30-44. Again, it was a remote place, with 5000 mouths* to feed. But Jesus performed a miracle and feed all with 12 basketfuls left over.
I don't know about you, but if I actually witnessed someone miraclously multiplying 5 loaves and 2 fish to feed 5000, it wouldn't be something I'd forget for a long time!

And if we tie the two passages together, then it becomes clear that the disciples' remark and lack of faith in Mark 8:4 uncalled for. After all, they have seen Jesus feed an even larger crowd. Didn't it occur to them that He could repeat the same miracle? And it was not as if a long time had passed between the two scenes, it was just 2 chapters away!

I've never looked at both passages this way and the deduction of the disciples' reaction humbled me because I see myself in them. I guess I've been lacking trust in God and it hit me when I was reading an email from a junior about PMS as my thoughts were suddenly transported back to sem5. I was anxious, uncertain yet God came through for me.

God has been faithful before, why won't He be faithful now? He multiplied and fed 5000, why can't I trust that He can repeat the same thing and fed 4000?
Of course, the circumstances are a little more tricky and more grave now, yet...if He cared even for my little whims, surely He cares for even bigger issues.



*To be technical, Mark 6:30-44 records 5000 men. Along with the supporting passage in Matthew 14:13-21, 5000 does not include women and children, which means the total number fed that day was even higher

The series: KRC

KRC in Kings Cross; it's a clinic right above the fire station.
It was an eye opening experience. Kind of miss the place

The series: The War Memorial Hospital

Cool huh? Looks like a resort!

The series: The bookshop

The series: The baking spree

Had friends over for Sunday tea.

The series: The Women

The Ong/Oon sisters lunch

The series: The beach