Identity

I thought once I got pass my teenage years with my petty insecurities I would be set for life

So it's a little surprising to suddenly find myself grappling with identity again..not so much now the identity in success/beauty/fame but rather my identity in myself and how I relate to the world and God.

How do I be true to my own introverted self and balance that with intentional relationships/friendships-most which get harder and harder to built as people become adults

How do I make the most of weekends/free time off work-to be around people even though it may tire me or hermit myself up; necessary to recharge but sometimes quite anti social?

My sister

I realize some of my blog posts are quite personal-I've been thinking how open I should be...but I've learnt and have been encouraged by other people's openess in blogs. So, even if that means losing my facade-then so be it.....

On the other hand, I have been blessed to have my sister Sab visit me in Sydney for 3-4 weeks.
Apart from getting to do stuff with her, most of all, it's been great to see her growth in God.
Although 4 years younger, she's much more matured in Christ and in love with people's souls. (where as I still go "woe is me" "why is my life not perfect" blah blah blah)

But of course, it's also fun just to have someone to tease and "bully" around..Hahaha

At times

The view from lying down on the grass next to Maroubra beach

I am all for a godly, healthy single life.
And I know that marraige should not be idealized.

But there are times where singleness is just not fun.
Where there is no one to sit in silence with (I don't know why but that's something I miss-must be my introverted nature).

Today somehow the pang of not being truly heard or sought hit me. But at the same time, I am also strangly thankful for my brokeness-it made me stop to pray, it made me remember to support the single missionaries who have far greater challenges on the field, it made me realize how much I need God.

I don't like it. It's not easy.
But in brokeness I am learning to know God deeper.
To learn that He is more than enough.

Bring in the new year

I come from a family with not much traditions.
We've never really celebrated Christmas/Chinese New year/New Year etc.
Being a busy person, my father's idea of a celebration on a public holiday was to stay at home, maybe watch some TV.
Never really had fancy dinners or big gatherings (not helped by the fact that most of our immediate relatives/grandparents are overseas).

Thus I was not particularly excited when the holiday season rolled around this time.
Had a good Christmas but watched the fireworks on new years eve from home as was working the next day.

And when I was asked by my leader what did I anticipate 2011 to be, I gave a noncommital answer
-truth is, I am not sure.
I, a single girl, have to decide what I want to choose in Medicine, where would I want to stay, would I want to go back to Malaysia?
What about the things I want but cannot plan for? Like family and ministry?
Was totally not excited at all about this new year....

Realized while I was praying, that I probably had no expectations because I was afraid of disappointments that come with dashed expectations.
But God is worthy of that trust, and that even if, even if disappointments come, I have to trust that God is far bigger than them....

and thus, although I am feeling quite melancholic now (more so because I start work again after a public holiday today), I will choose to hope in God....

Year 2010

I did not get everything I wanted...

....But God provided everything I needed

:)

Two tests

I have been forever trying to get my groove back with God...
To really be solely lost in his presence and not living a lukewarm Christian life.

There were 2 tests this week.
One on honesty
The other on surrender.

It's not without my own internal dramas but in the midst of the "oh things didn't go my way" I do feel in part joyful (note: joyful-not happy..haha)
Because I can now say (however insignificant the progress was), God is beginning to be Lord again...

Regrets

I always regret cutting my hair because it always looks worst than before
...but never regret forcing myself to work out because I always feel more energized after

Learning..

To rejoice with those who rejoice
..and mourn with those who mourn..

Neither here nor there

Going back to Malaysia is always a time of reassessment; where am I in life and what am I doing.

With every trip it gets harder and harder to meet up with people; a lot of friends are no longer in the same place, but also because the bonds are looser.

From everyone being students and having the same common topics, the dynamics are also changing-some are getting married, some are having children, some are going up in careers...

...it's sobering to myself as I still do not know what I want to do with medicine, where will I be, if I will be single or married, if I will come back to Malaysia or not...

Yet I am thankful for this uncertainty and areas of brokenness because it reminds me of my dependence on God. :)

Traffic hazzard

If I haven't been paying attention to the road, it's because I am amoured by purple flowers on the trees...

The power of the mind

There's a nursing home elderly resident who has been admitted for scabies.
And he always pulls out his cannulas-which means I cannulate him almost every morning...

...and I often have an imaginary itch on my hands after that...

Halloween

Snaps

Bankstown is so Asian-look at the durians...

Why I do not like parking in the city!

I made onde-onde....very ironic-I never cook Malay food in Malaysia but only in Australia

A confession

I still fondly recall my IMU days; mainly because it was time where I caught a glimpse of God and His heart. Where I was truly passionate for people; for both my student community and the marginalized of the society.
I remember talking with tears of conviction when sharing to fellow friends; hoping to share something that gripped me so much.

Then a different season entired my life. Of pain, till I could feel no more and became numb. Of tears, where I could cry no more.
I still went to church, but I heard words, not truth. Sang but not praise. Gained knowleged but not conviction.

And thus, for 3 years I never could bring myself to go back to Petaling Street Ministry-even though by then my sister was involved.
I could not go to serve the homeless, because I did not know myself what goes God's love meant. How to make sense of God in this broken world. I did not want to say words I did not mean and talk of a God I did not know......

....But....somehow there is a new stirring in my heart. Little reminders in
A church that God has brought me to that is passionate for the lost.
A new young adults cg of ppl who are concerned about social justice
A fellow intern who despite his busy-ness has gone out of his way to befriend the homeless in the city (where as I cannot even be nice to nurses I work with everyday)
A random facebook message about the street ministry
And wonder of wonders, I now have that little teary voice (HAHA) when I talk about what I truly hope for......(although it is quite impossible to happen)

and so even though I do not like to turn my blog into youtube, this song does hold some meaning...especially the words...Stepping forward keep us from just singing

God of Justice, Saviour to all
Came to rescue the weak and the poor
Chose to serve and not be served

Jesus, You have called us
Freely we've received
Now freely we will give

We must go live to feed the hungry
Stand beside the broken
We must go
Stepping forward keep us from just singing
Move us into action
We must go

To act justly everyday
Loving mercy in everyway
Walking humbly before You God

You have shown us, what You require
Freely we've received
Now freely we will give


Fill us up and send us out
Fill us up and send us out
Fill us up and send us out Lord

Gratitude

I stumbled on this song a few months ago, sent it to Cindy, remembering our IMU days.
She replied today...and I don't even remember sending the song..

But hearing it...
Yes, may I be grateful for this season of life

Work like you don't need money,
Love like you've never been hurt,
And dance like no one's watching.

Put the kettle on

After 5 days worth of late nights; both from going out and work..
Lots of food..

..nothing beats having a hot cup of green tea with lemon while curled up in bed :)

Why I cannot be a surgeon

...pt's family "Thank you for seeing my mother. Do you want me to get you something to eat?"
.."emmm no....I am good"
.."but you are pregnant, you have to take care of yourself"
..stunned..am I that fat? or is it the scrubs+outer gown

HAHA

Moving forward

We had a Christian Medical and Dental retreat nationwide recently.
It was short, but it feels good to play a small part in organizing...makes me take ownership and responsibility instead of just taking things forgranted.

Funnily enough, everyone raved about the hotel buffet breakfast-maybe because we normally don't get the luxury of hot breakfasts-bacon, eggs, chocolate crossiants...yumm...
Maybe it's the Asian in me (I always use that term but it's kind of stating the obvious because I am Asian inside out), loves buffets even though I am not a huge eater.

Realization no 5

I have a temper within me that I have not known for a long time...
and mainly to the nurses...

...who call me at 230 am to say "I need an IVC now...."
.."what is it for?"
.."Antibiotics"
.."Isn't antibiotics given at 6am earliest. I do a morning round anyway at 530-6 and always do all the IVCs and other tasks then. If I come around now, I will have to come again a few times throughout the night. If the cannula is for heparin infusion/PCA I can come immediately. and I am covering the whole hospital. I cannot be walking up and down for a cannula that is needed at 6"
.."yes, but if I don't tell you now, I cannot write it in my nursing notes 'MO contacted'"
.."then what is the use of the M0 communication book?"
.."I need to write in the notes that I have contacted you."
.."but it is not an urgent cannula."
...........at this point I give up trying to make paging a little more systematic/triage based.
And multiply this by 3-4 different wards and at random hours of the night.
^_^

Note: not all nurses are like that, I have done nights too at another hospital where they will only page when the cannula is urgent-PCA/heparin/somac infusion. They trust doctors enough that we will come around in the morning and we trust them enough that when they page, it is urgent and we will come immediately. The problem with nonsense paging is that after a while, you do not know when to take them seriously or not.


Page beeps..
..Reply page..rings and rings and rings and rings..
No one picks up phone
..Call again
Finally someone picks up the phone.
.."Hello you paged?" (hold my tongue-wanted to say if you page, wait by the phone. What is the use of paging and running away? And I take pages seriously and reply immediately!)
.."Come and review patient, she has respiratory distress"
.."1st of all where are you calling from, what is the patient in for?"
.."some history given..."
.."What are the obs"
.."I haven't done them"
.."How can you tell me patient is in respiratory distress when you haven't counted the respiratory rate, 02 stas. Again, I am covering the whole hospital and I need to triage which patient needs to be seen urgently more than the others..look someone else is paging me now..
You also need to do the obs because it might be severe enough to be a MET call!"
^_^

God I need a lot of patience!

Realization no 4

I started off internship with terrible cannulation and blood taking skills.
Somehow (which I attribute to God's wisdom) I started off in a hospital where there's an after hours specialist nurse who can come and help with difficult cannulas.
Plus it was a surgical term so I certainly got lots of practice.

It was then followed by ED, then 1 week of nights (with another resident).
By the time I was placed on nights alone (only me for the whole hospital-but at least there's a med reg), thank God my cannulation has improved. Plus I had a gradual weaning to doing nights alone.