Desperate Housewife

My parents left for KL today.

Uhm, I know that I sort of want to be a semi housewife with kids and a house and everything, but, God, it's 10-15 years too fast.

Yes, ppl. Hi. Nice to meet you. I'm Sarah the housewife.
I feel like a 35 year old single mother with 2 kids.

I'm not that hot though ..

Uhm, I can cook *cough* to a certain extend but cook everyday 2 meals? Then there's the cooking for the dogs. Buying groceries. I think we just ran out of milk today. Calling up the vegetable van. Buying fish tomorrow. (ARGH I can't even tell what's a kembong, or siakap or whatever..the different kinds of fish to buy. But I have to buy so that my maid can take the fish over for my mum to eat when my maid flies off on Sunday).

Yea, my maid is going to KL on Sunday.

And now I must find a new maid for the Lbn house.
Oh man. Today I interviewed a maid!!!
Oh man. It's just like doing history taking for the 1st time.

What on earth to ask a maid during an interview???!!!???

And after the interview, I realized I forgot to ask, for starters..."How old are you?" "Are you married?" So stupid man. It's sounds so funny that I feel it's so unreal, I mean, come on, Sarah 21 year old student interviewing a maid?

Then must TEACH her how to cook, how to bath the dogs, to clean the house....it's just like the blind leading the blind because I don't really know how to run this house!

This is better. I must determine how much the maid earns. Oh wow. How much do you pay a maid?????? And right now I don't know if I should hire a part time maid or a full time one. How do you judge the character of a maid? Especially when I leave for KL the whole house would be taken care by her. How can you tell from a 15 minute interview that she's trustworthy?

My mum is very good in this. She's experienced and she knows how to evaluate a maid's capability. Me, ZERO. What if I hire a person that's not good, then..?

I mean, cleaning my own room, buying groceries and cooking for myself in KL is different from running the whole house!

You'd got to make sure the uniforms are ironed and ready, the plants are watered, the 3 dogs have eaten. That I have remember to wake up early to send my sisters and their car pool friend to school and make breakfast. Then there's the sending to tution in the afternoon or night. Planning what to cook for lunch and dinner and making sure the ingredients are bought.

Zipping around sending them to school and tution and to buy grocieries in the Toyota Advanza I feel like a suburban mum driving her SUV. Telling them "Hey you have tution at 7. Eat dinner now."

And you start to think, emm, Do I have to go marketing every 3 days or 5 days also can? What to cook today? Has the phone bill been paid? Must remember to start the engine of the other car which is a 4 wheel drive that I don't even want to drive to town.

My sister was saying, "Yesterday you were a medical student. Today you're a mum."

"Have you drank enough water?" "You better sleep now!" "How's your preperation for exam?" "Are you okay or not?" Yea, I am starting to sound like my mum!

Overnight, the dilemas I'm have is no longer which medical textbook should I bring to Aus or should I do an additional honours year in UNSW (I guess I'm not going to do it now anymore) but........which maid to hire. What vege to buy.

If it wasn't for the seriousness of the situation that has made me take up all of this, this would just be so so funny. But yea, pray that I make the right decision in hiring the right maid. Cuz I have to call the maid up tomorrow to tell her of my decision.

If it's of any consolation to myself..haha, I guess I am going to be a GOOD mother and wife in the future. HAHAHAHA. Sorry yea, I'm a perasaan person. :)

But maybe being bz is good. Takes the mind of things. But yea I know it can be dangerous as well. Which is why when I drive back alone after dropping them off, I talk to myself (oh no crazy alert) that "yea Sarah, as much as you are doing everything remember that you are human too and you have a limit. Don't ever cross that limit."

So dear ppl, if you see me cross the limit or near the limit, do put the breaks on me too. Thanks a lot for all the prayers, calls, smses, emails.

Unreal

My father cried in public today, and I've never ever seen him cry my whole life.

My sister vomitted because of the stress of everything and her upcoming SPM.

My 2nd sister missed called me twice from her tution today, and when I tried to call back, I couldn't get through..I was so panicky that she would do something stupid. Turns out she was just asking about something else.

I feel less emotional stress than when I was undergoing EOS5 and feel peace so much so that I worry that I'm a heartless, selfish person. But maybe God is just giving me extraordinary UNEXPLAINABLE peace. Because this is the worst thing that can ever happen to me. And if I was to breakdown, how? My father said that now I'm the strongest in the family. I pray PLEASE let this unexplainable peace last all the way because the journey will be long.

I can only eat 2 slices of apple, milk and cereal today because everything else makes me nauseous. Oh well, I'd be nice and slim? haha. sorry, I think having a disease is no reason to lose my hard earned sense of *cough* humour.

I'd be writing a lot of blog posts in the coming days. Because I must be in the same room with my sister or else she can't sleep. And even as I stroke her to sleep, I can't sleep when she sleeps. So when the house is quiet at night, you my imaginary audience would get a lot of verbal diarrhoea because I need to write a lot a lot of things so that I can cope.

And please write me long long emails or update your blogs frequently so that I have new things to read at 2 am in the morning. David Yu and Cindy, especially! I don't know how many times I open your blogs and find the same thing. Haha. JK. :) No pressure man.

And pray that I would not crash the car when I get up at 6.30 to send my sisters to school in the morning.

But in the midst of all this, I am extremely grateful.

So dear God, right now, I am thankful for the fact that
1) I don't have classes
2) I got 3 months off
3) The new doctor is helping in the clinic so my dad doesn't have to completely shut down his clinic or rush back to KL
4) I have great great friends. Thanks a lot guys.
5) THE GIFT of salvation! Oh, how much I appreciate it. How much the sting and fear of death is taken away because of Your death on the cross. How much HOPE there is because you came to die for me, for my mother, for us, that there's NO FEAR of eternity.
6) If of anything, God has blessed me with the most wonderful godly mum for my 21 years of life. And that we have such a close relationship. That I did talk to her everyday on the phone. That there's nothing I regret. Except not getting married fast enough or all the bgr talk things.haha.
7) That my mum is a Christian and believes in God!
8) God is a good God. Period.

If my grammar has gone haywire and my spelling is wrong, forgive me my imaginary audience.
I just need to write and write.

God. This is bad. But it could be worst. So I thank you for the bad. And look forward to the good.

I just don't know

I don't know what to say. Or feel right now.

What they say about the eldest child is probably right. You can't really cry.

My mum has breast cancer. And it's quite bad. We hope to go for emergancy surgery next week.

It's like a bad bad dream, I still feel it's unreal. As if this is not happening to my family.

One day ago, the biggest worry I had was the arrangements I had to make to go to Australia.
Now.

I see my sisters crying and shouting. And my father can't sleep.
I don't know, maybe I'm just blocking everything out.

I can't eat, I don't feel like doing anything now. I just want someone to tell me, hey this is just a dream. I feel like sleeping and not waking up. Suddenly I understand why people would just drive into a wall.

You just feel like escaping all this.

I'm not angry or sad because of the diagnosis.

But I just cannot bear to see my mum go through this.
My mum is the dearest person to me. We talk on the phone everyday.
We laugh over things. Share things. Pray together.

I want to defer my uni but I don't think it's possible.

And for me the tears don't flow. It just escapes. Trinkles a bit.
Just like when I'm typing this. It comes out in small splutters. I can't cry and wail like my sisters. Maybe it's because I must be the strong one now.

I just don't know how I'd get through the next year. At least there's no uni for me right now.

In the midst of this whole craziness, I am so, so thankful I'm not in UK. I would just die if I'm in UK. I'm thankful I have a break before uni starts to bring my mum to KL for her surgery.
I'm thankful that at least I can take care of my sister in Australia next year. And if it's really neccessary for my 2nd sister to go over next year too, I can take care of both of them. This wouldn't have been possible if I elected to go to a UK uni.

But it scares me that once I'm gone, who'd bring my mum for her chemo and her radio? Labuan is small. We have to fly out for this things. If she starts her chemo she might not be able to fly and has to stay in KL for months? My dad cannot close the clinic. My mum talks of bringing the maid over to stay with her...it's just absurd for me. And it's why I might just defer, and if it's not possible, negotiate to go IMU seremban?

Would I always dread the phone ringing?
How am I going to be able to even leave Malaysia with everything like this?

I don't know what to feel right now.
Yet I am still grateful to God that at least, at the very least, that I am free for this 3 months or so, to be in Labuan with my sisters when my parents go to KL for the surgery, and later when my dad comes back, to go over and take care of my mum.

I just can't weep.

You know the kind of feeling you get during OSCEs or OSPEs, when you face a question you really cannot answer and you just feel a deep, dreadful sense of despair...I feel that right now permanently. Unlike an exam this doesn't stop. This doesn't end.

Not fear, but ...... despair.

Yet not despair over death or disease. But despair that the one you love must suffer.

I just cannot

I just cannot see my mum go through mastectomy, chemo, radio...and have her hair fall off. And worry in Australia everyday. Or see my father stay so silent because of worry.
Or let my mum stay in KL with the maid. Or see my sister scream, when her spm is 2 months away.

I rather rather get this disease myself.

I just feel so old so fast.

You know, my mum is the kind who loves to ask me to get married. Haha.
And I always will wave her away when she says that she wants grandchildren. (And I'm only 21!)
And tell her, "if you want me to get married so fast tell God la."
And tease her that I love to be single.

But right now, I would get married immediately and give her grandchildren.
Yea sounds funny but ..

..it isn't funny when you read the odds in the pathology text book.

The percentage numbers that I used to scoff at..and say..luckily I don't need to memorize the survival rates...

become glaring UGLY facts that if the cancer is really not that widespread.....the most optimistic survival rate for this stage is..50%?

And that's the most optimistic hope I can decude right now, because they haven't ressected the lymph nodes to check.

Ugh.

Tell me this is a bad dream.

Tell me this isn't happening.

To my mum.
To the one I love so much, so much that I would die for her now.

I don't know.

But I trust.
Pray along with me.

I don't know how I'm going to get through this. But I'm even more worried for my father, sisters and mother.

I still can't believe this is real. This is not fiction. This is not a dream.

God I really don't know.
I don't know.
But I WILL TRUST because God has always been faithful.

:)

Somehow.

Sigh...........

There's bad news.
Quite bad.

I still hope it's not going to be that bad.

I'll tell you all once the news is confirmed.
Pray for me. Thanks.

God, I pray that this storm shall soon pass too. And I will try not to question or be angry.
God will make a way where there seems to be no way.

When there's hope, there's life.

Stories

50+ year old tau keh comes into the consultation room complaining of vomiting and diarrhoea for one day. After taking a brief history, doctor instructs patient to lie on the bed for examination.

Patient lies on the bed, and just as doctor comes near to patient to palpate the abdomen..

..patient bolts right up abruptly and warns seriously "Mai pak chiam ar.." (translation from hokkien: No injection ar..)

...and you just have to bite your lip to stop giggling out loud.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Mother and father in the room with 16 year old daughter who's got a boil on her sole. The boil needs to be cut open to drain out the fluids.

"Honey are you sure you can take it seeing this?" the mother asks her husband while gripping her daughter's hand.

"You can wait outside if you can't tahan," she adds.

The moment she finishes talking, a soft thump is heard. 10 minutes later the mother wakes up and asks "What am I doing on the floor?"

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

An 80 year old man comes in with a wheelchair, his left knee swollen.

"Ini gout. Saya mesti keluarkan air dari lutut kamu," the doctor says.

"Ya tuan," the old man smiles.

The old man is positioned on the bed, and then talks to the doctor.

"Tuan, jangan takut jarum saya ya."
"Tidak apa punya. Kamu tidak payah takut. Jarum saja."

As the needle goes in.

"Tuan, tidak payah takut. Saya tahan sakit," the old man says again even as the needle pokes him.
(Well, normally, it's the doctor that reassures the patient, and not the patient reassuring the doctor to poke further.)
And when the procedure is done, this patient Malay man who's had multiple hospitalizations and medical complications thanks the profusely.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

And in the span of 2 hours, you see mothers with toddlers; some crying their lungs out, some placidly cooing away, a patient daughter in law waiting for her mother in law, patients who spill out their life stories on the consultation table, patients who calm up like shells on their smoking habits, mothers worrying over fevers, a husband placating his wife who's got a cut in her arm and cries at the sight of needles. Grandmothers talking in Cantonese, Malay tudung ladies who greet the doctor with Assalammulaikum. Laborers, executives, cooks, sailors, bankers. Families. Children who cry at the sight of the doctor. A man with psoriasis who looks at the doctor hopeful for a cure.

A potpourri of humanity; at its weakest yet at its strongest.

So amazing!

and i remember the times where i wanted to be a writer to narrate the quirky, delightful, beautiful stories of souls (okla, my grammar is terrible and i massacre the english language so i guess that's out)...but being a doctor takes it one step deeper; it privileges you to live and be part of the quirky, delightful beautiful lives of souls.

Angles

The jarring ring of the phone wakes her up at 3.05 am.
"It can only be...." she thinks.
Fear slowly creeps as she hears the words.
"Madam, I regret to inform you that your husband serving in..............."
The words are drowned by her sobs.
She's a widow with two children at 27.

The buzzing of planes throws the whole village in screams.
"Run! Run!"
Orange bursts of light and a huge sound drowns out the cries.
He runs into his burning hut.
His 7 year old child is dead.
"That infidel country!" he shouts with rage.

He turns on his TV after a call from his frantic wife.
"No it can't be!" he sighs clutching his head.
"Please, Jason, pick up the phone. Please. Please," as he dials his son's mobile number repeatedly.

"God is great!" he shouts with enthusiasm.
Finally, he's discovered his true calling in life!
He's ecstatic with joy.
"Yes, it may require me to pay a high price. But I didn't have much of a life to start of with," he muses as he thought about his cramped one-roomed house in the slums of his country where the rich swim in oil money while the poor barely eke out a living.
He smiled as he thought of the promise of young virgins in heaven to greet him.
It was far better than crying children and smelly rubbish in his cramped neighbourhood.

"We know what you are doing here. Get out or we will kill you." the words were printed in red to emphasize the anger.
"Oh Lord, You know the only reason I'm here is to love them. It's hard to forgive when they want to kill me, " she prayers.
The aid worker then dabbs her tears, and washes her face.
She must go on, the orphans are waiting for their lunch.

No more tears run from her eyes.
This is the 3rd child she's buried since her country was "liberated"
True, she doesn't need to cover her face anymore. But is it worth it to pay that price with the increasing lawlessness in her city? She looks at the poppy fields with the flowers turning pink, "The promised government hasn't brought much change to her family," she shruged.
Has her country ever known peace?

The ringing bells and hot fumes wake him up from his sleep.
He can still remember the images of people jumping from the building.
He reaches out for his tin flask, and the alcohol numbs the pain.
He lost 5 of his best men there.
"I should have been there. They were my men, my responsibility." he sighs.

The boy hears with wide eyed wonder as his uncle describes his father.
"Your father was a warrior. He died for his people. He died to set us free," the uncle says.
The 9 year old boy swells with pride as he clutched the only photo of his father, the one where he smiled as he brandished his gun.
All he ever heard in his village was about his father's heroism. All he learnt since the day he was born was about his people's fight against the enemy state.
"When I grow up, I want to be like him! I want to fight the enemy state! I want to die for this cause" the boy vows in his heart even when he's too young to grapple with the enormity of the cause.

"That man was your father's murderer," she says to her son with venom dripping out of her mouth.
He nods. He remembers the day when he was walking to the grocery shop with his father when suddenly a suicide bomber ripped open his shirt and triggered the bomb. He was luckily to live, but not without losing his hearing from the impact of the blast.
His mother cried for 3 months. His 5 year old sister still asks when would Dad come back. He missed the times where Dad would play ball with him.
"I want to be a soldier to stop these people. These terrorists!" he promised himself.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Angles.

The view is always different from the angle from which you look from.
The whole world is red when viewed through a red coloured prism.
Like wise, the whole world is cloudy when viewed through a dirty window.

Of course I don't support the cause of terrorism.
It's easier to point the blame without rooting out the cause.

Maybe it's not the time to take sides, but to sideline the differences.

May those who lost their lives be remembered today.

Disclaimer. Again..my apologies if there's any inaccuracies or if it's deemed offensive especially to victims' families. This does not refer to any real life people. It's also delibrate that no countries or specific names are mentioned.
After all, what do I know about politics anyway? and it's not as if I'm contributing my part in this any way whatsoever, nor risking my life in the front lines. I'm just a lazy med student who likes to comment too much hey? haha :)

A medley of sorts

When you start working, you REJOICE when it's public holiday. Yea, now I know. ;)

So apart from the cryptic nonsense that I've been posting of late, it's only when I get a day off I have more time to write more nonsense..haha. Oh yea, I also don't know why I post cryptic things that no one can understand..I mean what's the point of posting it, right? anyway...

Let's start first with CONVO 2006!
The Ong family flew all the way here from Labuan... :) It's not really neccessary of course, but yea, it's always great to see family.

Yes Peter, we've got good genes. Hahahaha. I don't know why my dad is frowning though..emm..

Being busy with work, I didn't really gave a thought about convo until the day before the real thing. I didn't even enquire properly about the dress code, and only found out on Fri that we had to wear black shoes. I didn't have black shoes or the time to buy a pair, so I told Cindy that I would wear black scandals and just for precautions IF they won't let me up the stage, I told her to bring me some black socks. Black shoes+socks=look like black shoes. Haha. Didn't have to do it in the end though..phew..

Vampire like no? Our robes were so big!
Squatting a lot!

Yea, although it's just our half way "graduation" and despite all jokes about how insignificant it is, it wasn't until I was waiting out the hall prior to starting when I realized the importance of this "graduation." Especially since I was looking out the window at SS15 (it was at Sheraton Subang), I remembered my Taylor's SAM time. From getting dengue after arriving in KL, learning to adapt and of course, the countless times God has helped this not so smart girl, if it's not because of God, I won't be having this half graduation.

I remembered how I was so certain I would fail sem5! The misshaps that could have happen along the summatives and EOSes of IMU; and only didn't happen purely by the grace and mercy of God. So I guess this convo to me was a symbol of God's faithfulness!


Introducing my uncle. Yes, I'm serious. Lim Hai Fon, my mum's cousin.

Next up, moving house!
This is also quite cool. Cuz initally I was going to sleep/stay in the living room of my old unit from September till November. I didn't even bother to look for a new room, partially because I know it's hard for people to rent out rooms for just 3 months.

I'm really okay with staying in the living room so much so I didn't pray for a new room or whatever not. Nor arrange some accomodation plans elsewhere.

This is where the cool part comes in, Eugene's mum came over to my apartment and when she knew that I was going to stay in my living room, she asked me to stay with them.
So now I have a really nice room, and Aunty is just so nice that you feel so indebted to her!

Everyday when I get up at 7+, she'd prepare breakfast. Yesterday she packed lunch for me. And cooks dinner everynight. She knocked on my door one night, and gave me a plate of fruits.
It's too good that you feel like going... "Aunty I'm just a really useless kind of girl who can't cook you a meal in return or help much in the house...please don't need to treat me so nicely!"

It's really a blessing, and some more, it's not as if I prayed about this or asked God for a room. It's just like a bonus.

Okay...Orientation 2006!
I really respect Christine, Chris, Linda, Sarah and the rest for willing to be OOs even when they are in sem3 and 5. And I know a major reason why they are willing to do so is to change the "sexual" culture of orientation. I can't just sit back and let them do the work, and so...you get a unfit sem6 senior running along with the group for treasure hunt.

Of course I'm of not much help. And the encouraging thing is that we don't lack OOs. Even orientation committee members like Gary and Joanne willingly helped up and got ragged for the team. All I can say is that I hope this is the last time my hair will smell like garbage. ;)

Work!

One thing's for sure. I am more disciplined now, having to wake up early. And I can't sleep later than 12, because if I don't get at least 7 hours of rest, I will pay DEARLY the next day when I get nauseous looking into the microscope. Or i'll start imagining seeing shapes from the stool samples. Like what could be a brownish dirt on a cell fragment could appear like a monkey on a clift. Serious. Haha.

I learnt that research can be tedious and you'd need tons of patience. Like on Tuesday, I could only screen half a slide! It's partially cuz I am looking for a new protozoa called microsporidium and like its name, it's micro. Since till now I've only looked through 4.5 slides and there's like 100 more...I guess microsporidium and I would be good friends for months from now on.

And whenever I like variety, I can also look at blood slides for vivax...which can be even smaller and harder to identify.

Looking for P.vivax is harder than looking for the right guy..haha..J/K! okay! This is what I see everyday...

Sometimes it can be exhausting on the eyes to peer 8 hours a day. And sometimes yours truly does complain. In the midst of one of my complains a few days ago..I was suddenly reminded of what I prayed to God in sem2. You see, in sem2 I had a hard, hard time comprehending MJW's lectures. So I prayed this prayer, kind of like a dare to God to help me.

"God, if you don't help me understand this parasites, I'm not going to be able to help your people somewhere in Africa or some ulu place, so you better help me otherwise it's your loss!"

And so, guess what I'm getting better acquainted with everyday...Wonder-ful...haha.
I guess God remembers prayers that I don't even remember saying! :)

Till then. Enough of long long nonsense.

As His ancient words go....

א לַכֹּל, זְמָן; וְעֵת לְכָל-חֵפֶץ, תַּחַת
הַשָּׁמָיִם.

עֵת לַהֲרוֹג וְעֵת לִרְפּוֹא,
עֵת לִפְרוֹץ וְעֵת לִבְנוֹת.

וְעֵת לִשְׂחוֹק,
וְעֵת רְקוֹד.

עֵת לַחֲבוֹק, וְעֵת לִרְחֹק
מֵחַבֵּק.

עֵת לַחֲשׁוֹת
עֵת לַחֲשׁוֹת
עֵת לַחֲשׁוֹת

יא אֶת-הַכֹּל עָשָׂה, יָפֶה בְעִתּוֹ
יא אֶת-הַכֹּל עָשָׂה, יָפֶה בְעִתּוֹ

it's alright?

It's alright.

it's alright

It's alright?
IT'S ALRIGHT?!!?
are you crazy?

yes!! it's alright..

sigh, it's really alright?
.........................



don't lie to yourself..

no, it's alright!

come on silly girl you can do it..
repeat it again and again till it sticks

IT'S alright.
IT'S alright.
IT'S alright.
IT'S alright.
IT'S alright.
IT'S alright.
IT'S alright.

Yes, .... it's.... alright.



it's all right, God.

Intermission

Convo's just over, but busy with other things at the moment.
I am trying..haha..rather haltingly to do a series of write-ups on my trip.

Visit my team member's site at www.xanga.com/Squaw_Red_Rim
She has wonderfully compiled our adventures in Cambodia. ;)

Pause

This is Sarah, reporting from Boring Network...haha..sorry if everything's long winded

It's been a whirlwind of all sorts before, during and after the EOS exams.
Save for the day I was down with fever from the tetanus shot, I don't think I've slept more than 6-7 hours a day for nearly a month. Nor more than a week in the same place/bed since exams ended.

Coupled with waking up everyday at 5.30 in Cambodia, sometimes earlier...the travelling, and finding out on late Saturday nite after arriving that I will start work on the next Monday...plus the CF retreat, Jehai mission trip, moving, meeting up with people and all...woah, the whole month's been exhaustive. I am thankful though for the super fun experiences and GOOD health! Maybe eating too much Vista food (esp the roadside stalls) has made my stomach strong as even after eating bugs, I'm still ok...Praise God that my team members who got sick with food poisoning in Cambodia are okay now too.

Suddenly after the whoosh of bonding, the silence can be a little unnerving. After sleeping 3 to a 2 person mat, being cramped 5 to a row in the van, going on boats in Temenggor...being among great friends for all the trips...it takes a little getting use to being on one's own again. You'd start to miss the lame jokes too (you'd think it just a CF thing but noooo it's a DUMC thing as well too, it's a miracle I can still walk).

And the tiredness that has been eclipsed all this while by the sheer excitement of experiencing different activities is starting to catch up with me now.

If I didn't take the afternoon off today, I would have just collapsed from the lab bench because peering through the microscope can just lull you to sleep! Added with the suspicion that a fever is starting to boil has rendered me out of action for the day. (my apologies to EP and Matt that I missed ur talk)

Though the busy schedule doesn't end here (I work from 8.30-5.30 everyday) plus my WHOLE family is flying allllllllll the way for my "ahem..not really official, quite incomplete, semi-convo" and with my sis and mum spending an additional 4-5 days after convo........

...........I guess, it's the blessed times with wonderful friends that I miss now... :)
To all my team members, most whom I don't think even know that my blog exists..haha..thanks loads!




More posts on Cambodia soon, if I can just find the time to write up...there's just so so much to share! I don't think words can do justice in describing the experiences learnt there...sigh, I miss the place already.

And of course, thanks for all the b'day wishes etc. Sorry again that I can't reply because it costs RM2per msg out!!!

Cambodia 2006

If there's just one sentence to describe my mission trip in Cambodia, I would say:

I feel as if I died in Cambodia...........

View from Baray Thoak church..the book on the table is the Khmer bible

.........because I tasted a glimpse of heaven

it feels so surreal, so magical that it still hasn't sinked in that the trip was real

I can't believe that I was actually there!

Eating the wonderful food, travelling to different villages, attempting to talk Khmer to the people, dancing with the youths, seeing the beautiful sunset by the river, talking BP for 100++ people a day!, praying with the pastors, riding a motorbike & horse cart, sleeping on the mat, seeing the moonlight stream through the rattan weaved walls, waking up at 5.30 everyday.....

Auk khun Pre Yesu (Thank You Jesus in Khmer)

For Everything!

CF committee retreat 2006

Time flies!
I remember being in charge of my first cf retreat, exactly 1 year ago. Where David, Jon and Siew Lian cooked for us...
Now, I am the outgoing committee instead, and poor juniors have to eat my cooking...haha.

This is my fourth retreat, and although there has been exhausting moments serving in CF, it is worth it! For better or for worst, haha, I feel as if some of me have rubbed of the CF committee, especially the *ahem* 'scandalous' part. Now, we have a ritual of Saturday nite 'scandalous' sessions. Cindy and I had fun cooking for the committee, but surface to say, what went on in the kitchen stays in the kitchen..rite Cindy?
Considering how we or rather I almost burned the whole kitchen and flooded it, hahahaha, at least no one had to be admitted into the ICU after bravely eating the food. ;)

From the bits and pieces I ears-dropped on as the new committee discussed their new plans for the semester, I dare say this would be an exciting semester. Kudos to Christine that everything went on smoothly. And I know God will move and bless the plans & lives of those who choose to serve Him.

Well CF ppl, you can't get rid of me so fast...unfortunately, haha, I'd still be around IMU for 2-3 months.

How am I feeling now that the semester has ended? Or rather IMU life has ended?
Change of seasons I guess. Kind of melancholic right now, but I guess, God is good & remains permanent :)

Discussion time!

Signing the CF committee contract....Ee Leen the YODA and her yellow colour!

hehehe..no one died from eating okay??? Notice the "scandalous" bread? And the pot????

Thomas Chew's tradition.......

Pass!

Passed Sem 5!!! Results were better than even imagined. Haha :) Of course it's 100% God, cuz if you happened to read the previous posts, you would have known how desperate I was.

my international students gang: my lecture mates ( in IMU we often sit in groups that don't really move up or down, but stay put for 2.5 years.)

I have just moved out of my room. As I was taking down all the memory verses pasted on the wall, I can't help but marvel at how God has been faithful to me. Though the ups and downs, though the fun moments and through the dark nights. Through the "scandalous" times, to the "sighing" times...God has been ever good, ever kind to me. Kind even when I am perplexed, faithful even when I doubt. Merciful even when I complain. Patient when I grumble. But most of all, gentle even as He heals.

All my longings lie open before you, O Lord; my sighing is not hidden from You

Cease striving and know that I am God. Psalm 46:10

He died for all that those who live should live no longer for themselves, but for Him who died for them and rose again. 2 Corinthians 5:15

Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart. Psalm 37:4

My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. 2 Corinthians 12:9

I really don't know what the next phase would hold. Looking back, a lot of things I had expected in IMU turned out to be different, in a better way I guess. Who I was, and who I am now; how God has changed me (although there's still much much much more to improve rite? haha).

What I thought I would do in life, how my dreams have evolved, been refined. I chuckle to think that I was so confident that I'd actually end up going to UK that my aunt actually gave me pounds and bought me winter jackets in Sydney. The 2 jackets now has travelled all the way from Sydney to KL and will be brought back to Sydney again!! Ah, how God can just do a 180 degree change.

Yea, although not every part of my life has had a happy ending, yet, I know God's in charge. And I will try to be obedient as God leads. Haha, cuz I can be a little (cough) stubborn sometimes.

Truly I testify that God has been just so gracious to me; someone who least deserves it.
In a way, I am sad to leave IMU, not the building or cafeteria or EOS madness persay, but, the friends, the people, the CF!, the CGs, the experiences, the KKB trips, the camps, the makan outings, the countless times God has comforted me....
The amazing opportunity to just go to Petaling street..and He has kept me safe every single time! The chance to explore different cultures, places. The privilage to meet certain people ;) haha. Even the times where I didn't get what I want, for He when He doesn't give the good, it's cuz He wants to give the best...at least I think so...haha...

Lord, indeed I really don't know what the future holds,
yet I know who holds my future.

thank you.

CF retreat and Cambodia next!!!!!

Wow

On the boat.....cool huh??? ;)

It's really really been a nice mission trip to Tasik Temenggor ministering to the Jehai people.
God has been so good to give this amazing privilage to be there. Truly all of us on the trip had loads of fun and joy! Mission trips are truly rewarding because we are not only doing the work of God, but at the same time we get to enjoy the pleasures of God's creation too! I particularly love the boat rides where the breeze caresses the face as you look at the rays of sun reflected on the water. It's like a holiday cum mission work. You'd get to enjoy yourself and please God at the same time! 2 in 1...great rite?

The Jehai children are very shy; but they have really beautiful eyes and amazingly long eyelashes
it's so beautiful!

Hahaha..I would love to say more but time is soooo short! So it's to be continued...soon...cuz there's so much to write and to remember!

Arrived back at KL at 10+ at night, and had to move room immediately! Still feel as if I'm rocking on the boat right now.
Plus, going to Selesa again tomorrow for 2 nights...so must cuci baju... ;)
Busy really busy but in a wonderful, blessed way! Thanks God!!

For those who prayed, thanks so much. As cliche as it may sound, your prayers really helped. Looking forward for the next team of CF ppl who'd go.

Results out tomorrow! I need to pass! :)

Bz! In a NICE way :)

So, it's the night before the Viva results are released.
But I guess everyone is enjoying themselves too much to really worry over the list.

I still look quite quite bad because I haven't really repaid the sleep debt.
After OSCE on Thursday, there was a meeting to go to immediately...
Friday was also packed with meetings and CG at nite. But I guess CG was really great (maybe cuz my stress level has dropped or Philip's sharing is really good? haha)

Saturday was a mad dash to pack some of my things, followed by our last m1/04 CG session. Wow, I'll really miss the people like insightful Tim, the poser Ben, always coming soon Cindy, Eugene, Matt and the rest. I mean, we have seen each other at our worst...with the exam craziness and KKB madness.

Ignore Ben's posing picture ;)

We had a sharing time where everyone got to share their
1) Happiest moment in IMU
2) Saddest moment in IMU
3) Funniest moment in IMU
4) Regrets in IMU
5) How have you grown in God in IMU......

I only got to hear only the first parts cuz had to rush down to KL, but it was great to recount the moments in IMU. From guys accidentally walking into girls' toilets, to Friday nite, to KKB trips and EOS madness. For myself, I guess my happiest moment was getting my matching results, my "saddest" is my really stupid (pardon my language but it's really stupid) chronic problem, but.....if I was just to sum up my experience in IMU, it would be "I walked in without God yet I walked out with Him. :)

Then it was time with my father in Westin KL. Hahahahahahaha
U MUST read this and laugh at me. ;)

Room service! Oven baked crispy pizza. Really good with generous amounts of squid, mussels and prawns.


Harp player at dinner. The amount of money the drug companies spend on these dinners are astronomical! One room for a doctor costs RM400, the airtickets RM800+..and they invited 100+ doctors. Yepp, they fly you all the way to listen to a 2 hour talk and 8 course dinner.

I was at a dinner with my father. He happened to be talking to a doctor next to him. The doctor so happened to be from Brunei and my father was telling him that his sister in law is from Brunei too.
"Do you know R. Y? She's my sister in law. The husband is working in Baiduri Bank..." father
"Oh, that's your sister in law?" doctor
"Yes." father
"Oh I know them. We are their panel."
Doctor turns to me and said, "So, do you visit your sister often?"
Father and I were like "huh?"

--silence--

Father, "She (as in pointing to me) is my daughter."
"Sorry sorry, I thought she was your wife," doctor.

WAH!!!!!!!!! Do I look so OLD ar??? Wife???!!???
hahahahahahaha.

View from room at nite.

breakfast at Westin

Sunday was also with father (thankfully no weird comments again!), Cambodia meeting in the afternoon and Peter's BBQ where we ate hotel class food!!!

Peanut butter grilled chicken wings, sunquick and honey grilled chicken (yea have you ever ate sunquick with chicken?), beer+sprite+sunquick+don't know what, squid stuffed with Philip's "special" receipe... Mr Saw has already booked the Ong brothers for his upcoming wedding feast (5 years advance booking).
got some pictures but......so lazy and tired now.........

Hopefully won't be in viva list and would get to go to the Orang Asli mission trip on Tues. Till then! :)

~update~ NO VIVA!! God, thanks for one hurdle passed. Now for the real results on Friday

Exams are over.....for now

Hey. :)
For the 1st time in 1 week I don't have palpitations and a knot in my stomach...a relief!
And I don't look as if I've been crying due to my BIG eye bags anymore (I hope!! haha)

This is the first time that I lost my appetite because of an exam. Couldn't really eat lunch or dinner. Heart really pounding. Trying to calculate how many marks I lost. Trying to estimate if I can reach the elusive 65% to pass.

The anxiety just before sleeping...when suddenly you sit upright on the bed...because a thought flashes through your head "What if they ask for examination of shoulder...." followed by a rush to flip through the books...

I can only say this..if it's not because of God, I would have panic and totally loss my mind especially during the OSPEs and OSCEs where the buzzer makes you jump every 5 minutes..
Buzz! heart jumps and almost pops out next to the pelvic model on the table.
Buzz! heart jumps and treatens to burst and splatter the brain picture displayed.

Haha, I don't know if I was "lucky" or not, but I got both of the most "feared" lecturers for OSCE, the wizard of Grey's anatomy Dr H.A. and the pharmaco expert Dr F.A.
It's really nerve wrecking when you see them entering the rooms of your stream, just before the exam starts and your batchmates start to draw a line to their throats...but all I can say is that thankfully there were no major "scoldings" this time. In fact they were both pleasant to me (I hope the marks were pleasant too! haha).

I really don't know how I did. I felt I had loads and loads and loads of mistakes for SAQ plus our OSCE ECG was a killer...don't know how results would be..but, I thank God that the very fact that I can complete this exam without a nervous breakdown, is a miracle in itself. :) My prayer is, God, pass me without a resit or viva!!!! Let our batch pass 100%. No one should be put through the horror of EOS twice!

Will be busy now..cuz all the fun and excitement starts after the exams! :)
(hopefully with no resit and viva!!!)

Really HAPPY cuz my father is coming down on Saturday!

Thanks guys 4 praying and all the SMSes.
Sorry that I couldn't reply to all, cuz my 8210 Nokia dinasour can only store 10 msgs at one time so couldn't really save them to reply after my exams.

Loved the glucose & carbohydrate goodies and the prayers from the CF ppl on Sunday nite. Truly it made my night! ;)

Will post more pictures soon..haha..cuz I am sure EVERY single poor soul that has read all my rants and moanings about EOS are bored to death by my blog.

*plus, I can post more pictures of ~ahem~ myself now...especially since I don't look like a ghost anymore...hahaha!* (just kidding okay??)

The end

I know where I stand.
I know how much I don't know.
I know how BAD my memory is.
I know right now 100% I will fail...unless the Lord intervenes.


This is the 1st time I am really feeling this d.e.s.p.e.r.a.t.e



God...
only You can help me now...
somehow.



I surrender.



I trust that You can do a miracle
I trust that You are also still good, even if the undesirable happens.

FAITH is being sure of what is hoped for, certain of things that are not seen.

whatever the outcome is...THANK YOU in ADVANCE (just like how Ben Shyen likes to say it) that You will see us through!

Here we go!

Guess what I have been eating lately?

Raisins......

I don't remember who exactly told me this, but I remember someone saying that raisins can improve memory. So I got myself a pack...and nonchantely remarked to my father that I've been eating raisins recently to "improve" my memory. My father (the real doctor with the degree unlike the pseudo not even halfway through daughter trying to be smart) laughed and said..."Huh? Where got such thing! I don't think it'll help your memory but at least you won't have constipation."
Oookay...

desperate people try desperate things @_@
haha..

and guess what? Today I got an email.
From my friend in Scotland...saying that she dreamt of me and CSAW (correct initials this time!) that we had eyebags and looked tired from exams...
Wah, all the way across the globe...also can dream of us, looking ugly because of exams.
I am honoured. Haha :)

But anyhow...raisins or not, I claim God's promises that not by power, nor by might but by the spirit of the Lord. Cuz right now I don't have power (memory) or might (to look at the squiggles on the paper).

Pray for me yea? and all my batchmates esp the dundee bound ppl..
to pass clean shot (means no viva, no resit, pass well 1 time go! :) )


*Postscript: with the rumblings of war in Middle East, I guess this exam is nothing compared to the threats there. Lord, may peace reign in the midst of chaos.

Pardon me.......

Allow me to be a bit emotional
I feel so so so stupid now....

cannot even answer correctly 50% of the past year questions.....
if it's because I didn't read the notes beforehand it won't feel so bad....

BUT I have finished 1 round, some systems 2!
YET still cannot answer!!!!!

it's not that the work has not been done
but it means...SARAH you are stupid...
no matter how many times I read it, I can't remember...

Is it because my studying technique is wrong?
Or that I didn't concentrate enough?
Or this or that?

God...I really cannot do this already.
I just feel very stupid.
Everyone else like DAVID YU can pass sem5 with flying colours and I cannot even answer their paper to pass...

Why can't I remember?

God. Help.

Maybe I deserve this?
Maybe I haven't given my best?
But I am doing all I can...even though it seems very insignificant and totally inadequate.

How?

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ok...it's 15min later now
and I guess the emotions have cooled.

Yes, I maybe stupid but I have a good God who will take care of people who need Him.
Even if I fail, He will be there.
If I pass, it's also because of Him.

God, have your way.

sigh.

but yea :)