6 months!

Suddenly, I might have 6 months to spare if I go to Newcastle. (Of course it ALL depends if I get matched there but anyway...just tolerate my "perasaanness")

I can hop on board Doulos, go to Cambodia, vegetate at home, fly to Nepal and maybe just make it in time to get married in 6 months! Woo Hoo...(I'm just kidding about the married part K!)
I can't believe this is the 3rd time I'm flirting with the idea of going to Aus!

1 was when Canning gave a scholarship for FY
2 was when UNSW openned a place in Medicine.

3 is now with the PMS matching.

3rd time "lucky"?
Maybe Australia is the dark, handsome bloke that I have always rejected. HAHA. ;)

Grandparents are getting old. 1 hour train ride from their place makes sense to go to Newcastle.
I still don't know.

MMC has "burnt" all the plans on UK.
I still don't know.

Do I want to take the risk with the new UK system?
Or just go to Australia for family?

Dear God up there, please tell me where to go. Thanks!

1 thing I love about Australia...the purple flowered trees. This pic was taken in the University of Sydney where my cousins study. Imagine, going to uni in slippers and shorts with purple flowers blooming! so comfortable & romantic...haha!

1 thing I don't like about Australia, the stores close at .....5 in the afternoon!!!!! But yea, it means the delicious sushi rolls' prices will be sold at a discount from Aus2 a roll to Aus2 for 3 rolls! Yea, cheapskate... :)

Don't envy me, I'd try not to envy you

The grass always seem greener on the other side.

With all the PMS matching talk, all the numbers of PMS cost, compunded with relationship issues everywhere, everyone around me (at least in Sem5 IMU) are getting agitated. Yours truly included.

Some want to go for a particular university because of cost, some because of the significant other, some to fulfill their dreams. Everyone is uncertain about their future, everyone has something they want. No doubt, competition and envy are creeping into friendships.

And it doesn't spare anyone. Each thinks another has a better route, an easier time.

Painfully, I must admit I too have been sucked into the whirlpool of unhappiness and discontentment. Do I trust God? Do I really trust God in all these? I feel that I have been swinging from complete peace to dark frustrating thoughts. And I must say, truthfully, I haven't been as joyful and as peaceful as I would like to be.

Compounded with lectures that end at 6.30 to nearly 7, coupled with early classes that start at 8.30 in the morning...and a ton of lecture notes to go through, plus ball "issue" that I'm not too happy about (no it's not about my dress! Haha..Not that vain le :)) along with the busy pace of CF/CG and trying to be inspiring.

Tying to be a good daugther, a supportive sister, a patient friend, a "inspiring" ahem leader, a good student, a good this, a good that....

I've reached my tipping point.
I just couldn't pretend in front of him anymore on friday. For the first time in IMU history I lost it. In CG some more (not u guys la, not my night cg..hehe)...gasp...(you call urself a christian?)

But no excuses!
I am humbled that I cannot be all I want to be.
I need to rest my eyes.

So it goes back to the question...the almighty question that always lurk behind our minds when the going get though..

Are Christians really happier than non-Christians?
I would say no.

but Christians who surrender and hope in Jesus despite circumstances more happy than non-Christians?
Yes!

I am challenged that the true meaning of being a Christian would be to die to self.
And when I feel off, I must seriously check the state of my diseased heart..
Most of the time, it's not because God is not good or available. More often than not, the question would be, am I tapping into Him? Relying on Him?

*sigh* It's hard to "die" to self...

But if any of you catch me whinning...jolt me up! :)

Faith is being sure of what is hoped for, and certain of things we do not see.

God has a great plan for YOU and for me m1/04s!

MSK

She Looks Too Pretty

Try To Catch Her

Scaphoid Lunate Triquetrum Pisiform
Trapezium Trapezoid Capitate Hamate

Cool yea? Haha.

Life is busy busy busy.

It's a challange to be gracious and kind.

To be patient despite the lack of sleep.

To be understanding.

To be like Him.

Yea, what to do...super imperfect to begin with...haha

Sometimes feel like an imposter.

No, memang am.

Do you know there's a book on "how to be a Christian without being religious"

Hits the spot right on!

10 ppl want to go to Southampton!

16 ppl want to go Manchester!

7+++ Glasgow!

argh.

17 ppl want to go to Liverpool!

12 and more "hidden" people want to go to Dundee!

Plus, maybe about 20-30% others who didn't fill in the prematch.

Everyone is high strung now.

Secretive. Competitive.

But You know best.

Trust trust trust.

truly :)

Rejected....

Today the reply came. Although I already knew before hand,
what the answer was likely to entail,
still I had to ask. At least try.

------

It had been in my mind for a long time

But I only got down to writting it last week

The email.

-------

But it's hard to bring forth everything in carefully worded sentences...

It was unusual no doubt. Yet what other means did I have?

It was almost impossible to call, with his schedule and all.

-------

He was the first choice.

Truly, great things could happen!

If it was in God's plans....

------

The answer confirmed my thoughts.

He couldn't.

Not his fault though.

Just circumstances......

But Lord, it's okay. You know what's best.

-----

........

........

........

........

........

........

Now the search intensifies.

The clock is ticking.

-----

........

........

........

.......

.......

But God I know you'd provide.

The right person.

------

.........

.........

.........

........

Ha! I know what you are thinking..

BUT

This is not a scandalous post! *shakes head* Always have wrong perceptions of me (Cindy Soon!) Haha.. :) Not to be melodramatic or anything..but yea, just got the confirmation that Ps Dr Chew can't be our speaker for CF camp. We knew the chances of getting him was very slim but had to try anyway. I was and is still hoping to get a speaker that has a medical background/connection for this year's camp. But yea, Lord, do provide who you think is best.

yea, it's tuesday nite, and it's 2.04 a.m.

and there's a lot of things about CF that is not done...

explains the raft of CF related posts...

hope i didn't bore my poor unfortunate friends of mine who read this

it's sometimes tiring. tedious.

sometimes i think God chose wrongly.

haha.

but it's a privilage Lord.

A privilage I don't deserve

help me finish this semester

SMILING :)

I know I will miss this once I leave!

Who's Joel?

Read Joel before? Know who he was?
Do you remember what is Joel all about?

Well, my CF's new theme for this semester is from Joel 2:12-27...Repent, Revive, Restore

Honestly it is not an easy theme to carry for the semester..it's even harder to come up with a convincing theme talk. Especially I do not believe in sharing/'preaching' something I myself do not believe whole heartedly. I also try to be careful on what I speak on...don't want to waste people's time or hurt their ear drums or ossicles.

Sin. Repentence. Sacrifice.

Not exactly catch phrases for young blooded university students!
And how would others outside CF believe in this theme as well..?

No doubt it won't be a cherry rose tree and picnic talk or semester..
How do you go about with verses like "Blow the trumpet in Zion, declare a holy fast, call a sacred assembly....Let the priests who minister before the Lord, weep before the temple porch and the altar....object of scorn for the nations..."

Yes, this semester will be solemn and serious.
This semester would also demand a lot.

But indeed, Who can accend the hills of the Lord, except for those who have pure hearts and clean hands.

Help me Lord...Help us!

A day at a time

"....I asked God for strength that I may achieve;
I was made weak that I might learn to humbly obey.

....I asked for riches that I may be happy;
I was given poverty that I might be wise.

....I asked for power that I might have the praise of men;
I was given weakness, that I might feel the need for God.

....I asked for all things that I might enjoy life,
I was given life that I might enjoy all things."
Anonymous

It's heavy.
It's more than meets the eye.

But no complains.
Smile. Smile Smile! :)
Be gracious. Buck up. Go on!
Depend. Hope.
It's in God's hands.
And yea, God has big hands!

Adventures in B-4-8 kitchen

I seldom cook. That's a well known fact. But I was craving for pasta just now; must be the effects of low blood sugar. So this the chronology of my adventure with the pot and pan. Yea yea, reading too much food blogs! Disclaimer: No kitchen was burned down in the making of this photoshoot.

1) Boil the pasta. Ya, I know, authentic chefs don't mix two types of pasta. But I just like variety! Spirals+Angel hair pasta.
2) The ingredients. Love mushrooms so chopped a whole can of button mushrooms! And broccoli...got it cheap, the whole bowl=around RM1.10?
3) Drain the pasta. Run under cold water to avoid sticky pasta.
4) Haha, short cut cheat way, herb and broccoli mix.
5) Add butter, milk, mushrooms and broccoli plus mix. I had problems determining if the broccoli was cooked enough though..cuz I couldn't taste the food while cooking (emm, how do the Malays cook when they are fasting?)..thankfully it was ok..
6) Boil boil boil. And the delicious scent of herbs and cream will waft through.
7) End result! :) Al dente angel hair pasta+spirals+creamy mushroom sauce+broccoli

Total cost? Maybe around Rm4 per plate?
Total time? Emm..around 15 mins tops..

No, I didn't die after eating this. No, no food poisoning either! I'm still alive! :)

Who says medical students can't cook? Haha.

Catch me in a good mood and I'd cook for you!

Oh yea...for those who do not yet to know...FOOD AVENUE IS CLOSING DOWN!
One less source of food for IMU's starving students...

Just a random thought *I felt extra-ordinarily blessed to be in CF last Wednesday* I know it was You!

Random

MUST STUDY MUST STUDY MUST STUDY MUST STUDY MUST STUDY MUST STUDY MUST STUDY MUST STUDY MUST STUDY MUST STUDY MUST STUDY MUST STUDY MUST STUDY MUST STUDY MUST STUDY MUST STUDY MUST STUDY MUST STUDY MUST STUDY MUST STUDY
then why am I writing nonsense here?

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

i'm now Semester 5! *cough cough cough*

so "old" already

am i going to be forever reading 4 pages notes?

terrible....but unrepentent! haha

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

though i did grumble

it was great fun to crawl in the mud

have egg in hair

do the catterpillar crawl

because it reminded me of You

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

i'm so happy. Watched House back to back.

Why happy? cuz i can delude myself that i'm learning something about medicine

while watching at the same time! haha

that's why i read Robin Cook when i feel guilty about reading non-fiction,

study and relax at the same time mah!

yea, shows how un"rajin" i am when it comes to reading my textbooks

but seriously, watching House can help you remember things!

of course, that's if you'd ever come across such rare and "exotic" cases

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Burdens?

The heavy burden lies not in the position,

Nor in doing the things required,

But in the fear and the realization that I am not doing enough.....

And the fact that I am not good enough anyway

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I love my new glittery slippers! :)

but i don't have a dress for the ball

very lazy to buy..so expensive!

psst..if i reuse would anyone notice?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Cindy and David= thanks! Especially for putting up with the grumpy girl

- he's the guy busy smsing-

-she's in pink, learning the guitar-

*DISCLAIMER, sorry yea, I really don't have updated pics of Mr Shark or double pics, so have to post seperately*

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

i realize more & more

that i'm a stranger to my own self

i realize more & more

that being loved by God and loving Him

is a rollercoaster adventure @ romance story @ battlefield

that is never static, always dynamic

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

i realize i write a lot of nonsense when i'm stressed. but it's ok. don't worry bout me.

God will handle it :)

PMS

It brings anxiousness, irritability and even occasionally pangs of jealousy. It descends periodically and wrecks havoc on normally calm people. It causes mad scrambles and the descend of the gloom of uncertainty.....PMS=Partner Medical School. (not pre menstrual syndrome!)

The fever is builing and reaching boiling temperature. By now as March sneaks into the corner, everyone is asking questions on which uni to twin too....How's the weather, how's the accommodation, how's the uni, how's the people there etc....

Some know where they want to go and die die must go to a certain university. I on the other hand don't any preference for any university at all...which can be quite bad because I have to list 26 universities..from 1 to 26...

Of course, a cheaper university would be good. It will lessen the my father's hemorrhaging wallet. And yea, the only reason why I sob* turned down UNSW (which was 2 blocks away from my grandparents' flat) was due to Australia's fluid immigration policy for graduating doctors. Personally, Australia is a wonderful place to stay, great weather, fantastic food...and everyone from family is there. Cheaper too. But they don't really welcome doctors..which explains why my father and his brother are the only ones left in Malaysia.

Father thinks it's best to go to where he studied..(not literally because IMU doesn't twin to UCL and St Georges is sooo expensive!) but around there. Yes, he does allow me to make my own choice, he just merely states what he thinks it's best. My parents in my opinion often trust me excessively and allow me to make too many of my own choices so much so that I'm happy when given the oppurtunity to follow his advice....(I think the grammar of this sentence is terrible but I don't know how to phrase this..haha)

As usual I am "preferenceless" as there's not a particualar university that I would want to go to from that country...each seem to have their pros and cons..

So Lord, haha, You better speak to me on which uni I should rank 1st and so on...
Although I know He can work and bless me in any university I go to, I hope He'd lead me to the ONE where I can be of best use to Him. Plus, God, lead me to the church You want me to go! And of course I would love to go with friends whom I'm closer to from my batch, but then again, I want to be placed with people He wants me to grow closer with. Somehow if it's His will, I want to connect with the Malay girls from my batch....esp if I'm overseas with 1 or 2 of them.... Oh yea, Lord, if I happen to hear wrongly and thus rank wrongly, then You work Your will on the IMU computer ranking too..hahaha...not an expensive uni though..k? Haha.. After all You know best rite?

By faith Abraham, when called to go to a place he would later receive as his inheritance, obeyed and went, even though he did not know where he was going. By faith he made his home in the promised land like a stranger in a foreign country; he lived in tents, as did Isaac and Jacob, who were heirs with him of the same promise. For he was looking forward to the city with foundations, whose architect and builder is God. Hebrews 11:8-10

Deviod of God, the best can be the worst, but in Him, the worst can be the best.

Just a note: To clarify, I am not anorexic or on diet...haha...diff ppl have been making diff comments during lunch... :)

Unspoken

..................................................

what's the use.

if it's not for You.

won't bother anymore.

what's the use?

can't even rant a good rant.

self censorship for the unaware.

ah, the fool.

You were, weren't You?

unspoken, unheard.

but yea, it'll be okay.

Somehow. :)

Capre Diem

Rushing with no where to go...
At times it feels that I am often living for the future in the present instead of living in the present for the future. Forever rushing...when I was in sec school, I couldn't wait to go to college, in college I was over eager to step into uni, and now in IMU, my neck is craining overseas. I'm sure when I'm overseas I'd be counting the days to go back to Malaysia and when I'm in Malaysia, I'd be counting the days to go back overseas....

The futile chase to find something more significant, more comfort, more challenges, more milestones....and often blind to the fact that the very milestones and experiences are actually in front of my eyes...

As Joan Chittister says" Finding God is a matter of living every minute of life to its ultimate."

Even as sem 5 roles in and the time starts to tick, I really hope to fully embrace each moment left in IMU, be it in cf, cg, EOS!, church, friends, family..

And thus, these are memories of the tiny island of Labuan....my sister will turn 17 only once...and I'm thankful that I was there...

Home

Books ..and this is just a shelf in my house...yea yea, I can hear you snickering away, "Of course you guys have to read..what else is there to do in Labuan? Imagine, no MCD!"

The reason for the 4 day trip...thanks to Air Asia for giving out free tickets! :)


Yea yea, I spoil the picture...Cindy says I have a very GARANG face..haha


Yep...one moment at a time..
Here's to living each second, each minute, each hour, each day...with You! (You with a capital letter before I start getting smses again!..haha)

Endless invention, endless experiment,
Brings knowldege of motion, but not of stillness.....
Where is the Life we have lost in living,
Where is the wisdom we have lost in knowledge? T.S. Elliot

Pa@the quiet one

My dad is the quiet, serious and silent one..... The one who talks politics, who's clock is always 15 minutes faster than real time, the one who is organized, methological.

Just today as we were watching TV, he suddenly said, "You know, it's not how long you live or how many breaths you breath. It's how many moments in life that takes your breath away."

Wah! So chim...Haha...
Respect the Dad!

Makan!

Hungry or not? Now I feel like a pregnant lady....been eating double portions for dinner lately! And I understand why Malays loveeee buffet dinners during puasa time, I want to have a steam boat buffet, a Japanese buffet (but expensive ya) and I want to eat seafood when I go back to Labuan again!

This exercise has been interesting because if I get up later than 9 in the morning I can't eat till 6.30 evening. Plus it's challenging to not eat when everyone eats during lunch and you have to sit down to talk to people while watching them eat. Of course, it's an incentive to get up EARLY in the morning. But yea, not really good for the metabolism though..with all the heavy eating at night...

So what does one do when thinking about food but can't eat? My latest craze, visit food blogs!! Ya that's where all the pictures come from. My favourite food blogs include the biscuit, kyspeaks, yummy, masak-masak and foodcrazee. Of course there are like lots of other food blogs but especially love food blogs that review SS2, Petaling Street or Sri Petaling because at least I know where and which restaurant they are writing/ravishing about.

Was in Petaling Street last Saturday and because yours truly woke up late and miss her 9 o'clock deadline, she didn't eat and walk around in the hot and humid Petaling Street. Almost felt like fainting, yea dangerous...but anyway, food never looked so appealing till then! Ended up ta pau ing Eu Cha Kui, Pan Mee, Koh Loh Mee and a bag of cheezels for dinner. Yea 1 dinner for 1. Told yea I'm now eating double portions........

Woe to the waistline.. :) And if anyone is going for "economical" buffet dinner AFTER 6.30, count me in!

What compels?

His father died today. He never got to say the last goodbye.
Just after 1 month in Chiang Mai, Kien Loong rushed back to KL today for the funeral. Those who know Kien Loong and Su Fong feel their pain and share a kindship with them.

After being in PD with them, getting to know their family and learning God with them there's a fierce protectiveness that I feel for them. When I read the papers on Thailand, it's no longer just another country, but hey! it's the country where my friends are. Tom Yam is just not another dish, but what my friends eat everyday.

It's not another wannabe missionary couple being "foolish" to forsake all to be obedient to my God. Nor is it another missionary talking about something I don't grasp or feel.

But it's a missionary family whom I've prayed with, whom I've seen Su Fong cry while praying for Thailand when looking at the map of the world. It's Sarah and Seth their children who've touched us all with their maturity and love for the people of Thailand themselves. It's Su Fong who'd joke with me that we are made for South East Asian countries cuz we are both tanned and thus look like the people there. It's Kian Loong humbly sharing from his heart on how God changed and convicted him to leave his job.

It's simply lives that've touched other lives, including mine...

In the preceding months before leaving I've seen them sell their house, their car, say goodbye to friends and family, bringing their two children to an unknown land...

What comples them? To go leaving everything, to go on despite sad circumstances?

For Christ's love compels us, because we are convienced that One died for all, and therefore all died. And He died for all, that those who live should no longer live for themselves but for Him who died for them and was raised again. 2 Corinthians 5:14-15

Indeed, "he is no fool to give what he cannot keep, to gain what he cannot lose" Jim Elliot

Teach me to gaze into Your eyes and learn Your humility.

Keep them in your prayers. Pray for Thailand

Can't stop smiling

I ventured with confusion.
I departed with no resolution.
Yet I can't stop smilling.
For I know you better.
And you have granted me the privillage
of sharing more of you with me.

I've found the one!
GRINS :)

As cliche as it may sound, it's simply wonderful to wake up knowing that!

"Love is a serious mental disease" Plato

(After getting different interpretations of this post and having a funny conversation with CINDY...I must enlarge my disclaimer! :) This post is about finding The One, but still waiting for the second love..haha. The venturing etc is not the journey like Mr Yu and you, but going to peacehaven, recognize the picture? :) Rest assured if it is really scandalous news you'd be the first to know!
It's not an attempt to be a smart aleck or potong steam or to post something "scandalous" but truly I've found The one and in the future mr boyfriend *if he exists* will only be the second. So someday if asked, "Is he(mr bf/husband) The One?" the answer would definately be "No! He's not the one, but the two in my life..." ok lame but get my point? haha)

Anyway, since you guys have got me talking about this scandalous subject, I attended MCPP (mission candidate preparation program) part 2 in Peacehaven last weekend, which was the reason for the post! On hindsight yea, those that didn't go would probably think that I'm talking about something else instead. My miscommunication problem and wrong choice of words! Apologies...

But you know what? Only 1/10 women missionaries are married, so we had a single missionary from Cambodia share on life as a single missionary and honest talk on this issues. Again I must stress to you all I'm not sure if I'm going to be a missionary etc but I'm keen to discover where God would want me to be. And part of preparation for this would be to relinquish the dream to be married, even the dream of being married to a guy who'd share the same dream/passion. Of course it doesn't mean that I must never get married if I wanted to go into the mission field, but in view of the scant number of guys willing to go forth, it's entirely up to God to provide. After all, the dream must never be bigger than the dream giver...and as C.S. Lewis so aptly writes, Love ceases to be a demon when it ceases to be a god.

Which brings me back to the question of The One. If I've truly found The One love of my life, would it matter if I do not find the second? Yes, it would because I am still human. Yet, because I've found The one, finding or not finding (or in the girl's case waiting for) the second love would not matter so much or be the top priority.....

so yea....found The One....going with the flow of God in waiting for the second and open to God if the second might not appear :)
(*blushes* sigh, didn't want to write about thses 2 issues privy to me on world wide web but I guess I owe everyone an explanation...haha! dug my own grave yea.. ;) But honestly I really wasn't thinking in that line, probably too much mountain air..ha)

The storm has passed

A father and child embarkes on a journey.
"Come child, let me take you on this journey."
"But where are we going?" the child asks.
"You'd see. It's a surprise."
"But I want to know! Papa!"
"Child, it's really a surprise. Trust me."
"I really want to know and I'm not going until you tell me."
"Have I ever disappointed you? Trust me. Just follow me."
The child looks at her father's rough but gentle hands, hands that have gently built her life.
"Ok," as she grips her father's hand as they walk into the forest.

At first the forest scares her. There are dark shadows and the winds howl, sending shivers down her spine. Yet, holding on to father, she starts to enjoy the journey. They pass through shallow grooves and cross small creaks. She begins to enjoy the journey and marvel at the way the sun's patterns cut through random openings of the forest canopy.

Father and daughter walk on. But soon into the journey, her 5 year old mind's attention span begins to waver.

"Father, can we stop here? I need a rest. I want to play with the leaves," she says.
"No child, we have to move on, we really do," he answeres, not inconsiderate to his young daughter's request but aware that the journey has barely begun.
"Please?"
"No."

Sulkingly she prods on with her father. She walks on and forgets her confrontation with her father earlier on as she comes to a stream of water. They stop for a long drink and enjoy the cool water. She understands now why her father wanted to go on. Trust for her father increases and she's simply happy to be travelling with him.

Yet it's not the end of the journey. They move on further through darker woods. Now it's no longer the rustling wind but the haunting howls of wolves that jarr at her ears. Her young legs begin to fail her. She desperately grips at her father's hands. Energy ebbs away and for the moment, she's disappointed in herself for being so young, so weak.

"I'm so tired. I really can't go on anymore. Please tell me where we are going"
Silence from him. She fears she has stung his heart.
"No pa, it's not that I don't trust you, nor that I want to ruin your suprise. It's just that I can't, and if you tell me, then maybe I would muster enough energy to go on."
Silence again.
"Father, if you won't tell me, it's okay too. But rest with me then. My grip is getting weaker."
He looks at her, but speaks no words. She clings even more tightly and begs.
"I know you won't leave me. But there's no way that I can go on now. I'm sorry I'm so weak. I'm sorry I am a disappointment to you. If I could I would. But I really can't. I'm so afraid that if I go on, I wouldn't have even enough energy to hold your hand. I'm afraid that I'd let go of you, my dear father"

An eternity of silence. A desperate child.

Finally he whispers, "Child, I know.
I didn't ask you to journey with me not knowing your strength. I know that this journey is beyond you. And I know that your grip will fail you.
But child, don't you see, I'll still hold you even when you can't."

She noddes but continues, "I know that you'd never disappoint me. But I fear more that I'd be disappointed in you instead. For I do not want to lose you nor feel disappointed in you because your presense means so much to me. I am my worst enemy"

"My child. Trust me. Simply trust me. There are periods of this journey where I want you to grip my hand, to learn to trust me, yet there are also moments where I need you to simply let me grip your hand instead. "

He adds, "It's during these times that no matter how hard you try to hold my hand, it's not your strength that would ensure we are not seperated, but mine."

Cease striving and know that I am God.
Lord, I believe, help me overcome my unbelief.
Save me from myself.
I trust in You, not that my trust would help me grip tighter to you.
But I trust in You, that You'll help me trust in You when I don't trust.*

*(I'm sorry if you had to read until here and see such paradoxical sentences that may not make sense. It's just my train of thought)

Releasing my grip

Father, I want to know Thee, but my coward heart fears to give up its toys.
I cannot part with them without inward bleeding, and I do not try to hide from Thee the terror of the parting.
I come trembling, but I do come.
Please root from my heart all Those things which I have cherished so long and which have become a very part of my living self, so that Thou mayest enter and dwell there without a rival. Then shalt Thou make the place of Thy feet glorious.
Then shall my heart have no need of the sun to shine in it, for Thyself wilt be the light of it, and there shall be no night there.
In Jesus' name, Amen
A.W. Tozer, The Pursuit of God.

The dearer the dream, the greater the cost.
Yet the greater the struggle of surrender, the greater the surprise.
You are for me, not against me. Remind me Lord!
Whatever you want to remove, please remove. Whatever you want to place, do place.
I trust You my all in all, to give me nothing but the best, even when I fear Your best is not what I want. Teach me to delight in You so much so that Your best would be what I greatly desire and cherish.

Random attempts at "celebral" matters

Was randomly browsing through my stuff at home and came across my old "artwork"@ my attempts to be artistic and poetic. Probably did this around 16+? I'm actually (cough!) proud of this brown cardboard of faces that I cut from different magazines.
This piece of "art" (sounds so professional..haha) was supposed to potray the potpourri of diversity in humankind. Faces of innocent babies side by side famous politicians, glamorous supermodels next to beloved grandmothers, starving African children neighbours to rich celebrities, giggly kids alongside serious thinkers.
My favourite combination takes the centre piece, the grieving mother crying by her dead jihadist son directly next to a picture perfect couple staring into each other's eyes. Both pictures were delibrately placed as such, for both pictures centred on love, yet both evoked such contrasting outcomes. One, bitter tears, the other shinning hope.

Another random thought "gripper"

We have taller buildings but shorter tempers,
Wider highways but narrower viewpoints,
We spend more but have less,
We have higher incomes but lower morals.

We have bigger homes but smaller families,
More conveniences but less time,
More degrees but less common sense,
More knowledge but less judgment,
More experts but more problems,
More apathy but less compassion,
More food but less appeasement.

We have multiplied our possessions but reduced our values;
We have become long on quantity but short on quality.

We have learnt how to make a living but not a life;
We've learnt to rush but not wait,
We have added years to life not life to years.

We have counquered outer space but not found our inner self,
We have accomplished bigger things but not better things,
We've cleaned up the air but poluted the soul,
We've split the atom but not our prejudice.

We have more aquaintances but fewer friends.
We have more connectivity but less communication.

These are the times of fast food and slow digestions,
tall men but short character,
steep profits but shallow relationships.

These are the times of two incomes but more divorce,
fancier houses but broken homes.

These are the times of quick trips, fast words, temper tantrums, empty promises, cheap thrills, throwaway morality, disposable diapers, 1 minute makeovers and pills that cheer, quiet, kill.

These are the times where men seek to be served instead of serve,
These are times where God is on trial while men are judges,
These are times where values are fluid and truth; relative.
Lord, save us from ourselves!
For what good is man,
if he gains the whole world,
only to lose his soul?
(Adapted not so" canggih" to come up with this all on my own of course! haha)

Thank you for tolerating my attempts to be "celebral" :)
Yea, reading too much political/sociological magazines at home! (blame the Father for subscribing all these materials) AGAIN..hahaha.
As a consequence, "earned" only RM14 worth of angpows! (to my defence, I don't have local relatives, my parents don't give angpows to their own and some houses nowadays don't give angpows... :) )
Plus, abandoning the medical books too...

Rm 50 & filmed for TV

The week has passed by so fast with so many things and events taking place that I have yet "redeem" my sleep debt.

Let me first regrugitate my story on RM50 that I "earned" last Tuesday. Was walking to HSBC to open a bank account. Saw some people with cameras and lights in front of Masjid India and thought they were shooting some documentary on Malaysia. Suddenly, this girl comes up and says "Would you like to answer some questions and we'll pay you RM50?"

Thinking it's some kind of survey where I had to fill in the form, yea, I didn't mind and agreed...
Actually they wanted to ask questions and film on camera. (haha, yea I can imagine you all rolling your eyes and going...so ugly also can appear on TV?)

Well to cut the story short, they are filming a commercial on what will you do if you get RM 1,000,000. For RM50, you stand in front of 2 cameras, and answer a couple of questions regarding money. And if they like your answers, you'll appear on the commercial (airing sometime in April, May?) and get paid RM500.

I knew if I wanted to appear on TV, all I had to do was to give some outrageous 'out of the world' answer on how I'll spend RM 1,000,000 but would I really want to appear on TV saying something frivilous like "If I had RM1,000,000 I'll fill the swimming pool with chocholate and dive into it." Or "If I had RM 1,000,000 I'll go for plastic surgery etc."

The producers specifically told me, they didn't want answers like "I'll buy insurance or I'll save it in the bank or I'll give it to my parents etc kind of answers." They even asked "What is the most self indulging thing you'd do if you have RM 1,000,000?"

So yea, in the end my answers were a mix of my own beliefs and "script written." I did say that if I had Rm1,000,000 I would want to open a homeless shelter in the heart of KL. And to the question "If you had Rm1,000,000 what business will you go into?" I did say that I would want to open a youth centre. I will love to travel round the world to experience different cultures too. And buy a car perhaps? I also said I'll buy a library of books.. :)

But given the kind of questions they ask, I also did say that if I had RM1,000,000 as a teenager, I would hire a popstar band for my birthday...and buy lots of clothes...or send mass SMS to announce to my friends that I won Rm1,000,000. And...buy a flashy sports car..

Okay for one, I don't even really keep up with pop trends/songs or even drive fast, (why would I need a sports car!)...but they ask questions that "twist your arm indirectly" to get answers they want you to say on camera.
Plus, they will certainly cut out the things I personally would do with RM 1,000,000 so if I appear on TV I'll probably end up saying "If I have RM1,000,000 I'll throw an exclusive party and fly my favourite boy band in" instead (Hahaha!)

Yea if you are wondering, I had to sign a contract, so I really have no control over what footage they'll use and what they won't so.......
I rather not appear on TV than to appear as materialistic gal.
(I can just imagine my sister laughing and saying, aiyo you look so ugly and some more give such crap answers. Tell me not to spend so much money,spend wisely blah, blah, blah but go on tv saying you'll fly a pop band in....)
But anyway it was nice to earn RM50 in 15 minutes! hahaha...

Still, it got me thinking if I really had RM1,000,000 will I really use it for myself or for common good? It's easy to say that I'll donate it all away yet retract my words when the crunch comes. Likewise my life, I guess. I can easily say I would want to serve God even when I'm working or go into missions or stay firm in God no matter what happens. Yet, when I'm really faced with choices in the future, will my "idealistic" promises fade away or will I give God what I have promised him, my life and my trust?

So if I really had RM1,000,000 what will I do with it? Pay my PMS IMU fees of course (which unfortunately will reduce the amount drastically!!!), help my sisters on behalf of my parents and use the extra money to send students especially medical students for mission exposure trips overseas. (Oh yea, I had to turn down another oppurtunity to go to Myanmar in April! So many chances and cannot go because of IMU.. :( )

As for my own life, humanly, I know I will fail to live out to my promises and not give God my full trust. Thus I pray for greater sensitivity to God's promptings and His grace to cover me. For as C.S. Lewis says, "We are not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be."

So given Rm1,000,000 what are you going to do with it?
More so, given 1 life. And only 1 master to choose. So many choices. Who will reign?

Will probably write on retreat for the CF blog so CFers if you happen to unfortunately stumble to my blog, visit the CF blog instead... :)

Sunday readings

Oh no, I have been exposed as a hopeless romantic wannabe! I can't believe myself...for all my inclinations to politics and current issues in the papers, this "heart-warming, human interest story" somehow lingered in my celebrum. This is not the first time I've read this story but the last lines really caught my attention.

The Star Sunday January 15, 2006
The test
JOHN Blanchard stood up from the bench, straightened his army uniform, and studied the crowd of people making their way through Grand Central Station. He looked for the girl whose heart he knew, but whose face he didn’t, the girl with the rose.
Blanchard’s interest in her had begun 13 months before in a Florida library. Taking a book off the shelf he found himself intrigued, not with its words, but with the notes pencilled in the margin. The soft handwriting reflected a thoughtful soul and insightful mind. In the front of the book, he discovered the previous owner’s name, Miss Hollis Maynell.
With time and effort he located her address. She lived in New York City. He wrote her a letter introducing himself and inviting her to correspond. The next day he was shipped overseas for service in World War II.

During the next year and one month, the two grew to know each other through the mail. Each letter was a seed falling on a fertile heart. A romance was budding.
Blanchard requested a photograph, but she refused. She felt that if he really cared, it wouldn’t matter what she looked like. When the day finally came for him to return from Europe, they scheduled their first meeting – 7pm at the Grand Central Station in New York. “You’ll recognise me,” she wrote, “by the red rose I’ll be wearing on my lapel.”

So at the appointed time, he was in the station looking for a girl whose heart he loved, but whose face he’d never seen. I’ll let Blanchard tell you what happened:
“A young woman was coming toward me, her figure long and slim. Her blonde hair lay back in curls from her delicate ears; her eyes were blue as flowers. Her lips and chin had a gentle firmness, and in her pale green suit she was like springtime come alive. I started toward her, entirely forgetting to notice that she was not wearing a rose.
“As I moved, a small, provocative smile curved her lips. ‘Going my way, sailor?’ she murmured. Almost uncontrollably, I made one step closer to her, and then I saw Hollis Maynell.

“She was standing almost directly behind the girl. A woman well past 40, she had graying hair tucked under a worn hat. She was more than plump, her thick-ankled feet thrust into low-heeled shoes. The girl in the green suit was walking quickly away. I felt as though I was split in two, so keen was my desire to follow her, and yet so deep was my longing for the woman whose spirit had truly companioned me and upheld my own.

“And there she stood. Her pale, plump face was gentle and sensible, her gray eyes had a warm and kindly twinkle. I did not hesitate. My fingers gripped the small worn blue leather copy of the book that was to identify me to her. This would not be love, but it would be something precious, something perhaps even better than love, a friendship for which I had been and must ever be grateful.

“I squared my shoulders and saluted and held out the book to the woman, even though while I spoke I felt choked by the bitterness of my disappointment.
“‘I’m Lieutenant John Blanchard, and you must by Miss Maynell. I am so glad you could meet me. May I take you to dinner?’

“The woman’s face broadened into a tolerant smile. ‘I don’t know what this is about, son,” she answered, ‘but the young lady in the green suit who just went by begged me to wear this rose on my coat. And she said if you were to ask me out to dinner, I should go and tell you that she is waiting for you in the big restaurant across the street. She said it was some kind of test!’

“It’s not difficult to understand and admire Miss Maynell’s wisdom. The true nature of a heart is seen in its response to the unattractive.”

“Tell me whom you love,” Houssaye wrote, “And I will tell you who you are."