The week has passed by so fast with so many things and events taking place that I have yet "redeem" my sleep debt.
Let me first regrugitate my story on RM50 that I "earned" last Tuesday. Was walking to HSBC to open a bank account. Saw some people with cameras and lights in front of Masjid India and thought they were shooting some documentary on Malaysia. Suddenly, this girl comes up and says "Would you like to answer some questions and we'll pay you RM50?"
Thinking it's some kind of survey where I had to fill in the form, yea, I didn't mind and agreed...
Actually they wanted to ask questions and film on camera. (haha, yea I can imagine you all rolling your eyes and going...so ugly also can appear on TV?)
Well to cut the story short, they are filming a commercial on what will you do if you get RM 1,000,000. For RM50, you stand in front of 2 cameras, and answer a couple of questions regarding money. And if they like your answers, you'll appear on the commercial (airing sometime in April, May?) and get paid RM500.
I knew if I wanted to appear on TV, all I had to do was to give some outrageous 'out of the world' answer on how I'll spend RM 1,000,000 but would I really want to appear on TV saying something frivilous like "If I had RM1,000,000 I'll fill the swimming pool with chocholate and dive into it." Or "If I had RM 1,000,000 I'll go for plastic surgery etc."
The producers specifically told me, they didn't want answers like "I'll buy insurance or I'll save it in the bank or I'll give it to my parents etc kind of answers." They even asked "What is the most self indulging thing you'd do if you have RM 1,000,000?"
So yea, in the end my answers were a mix of my own beliefs and "script written." I did say that if I had Rm1,000,000 I would want to open a homeless shelter in the heart of KL. And to the question "If you had Rm1,000,000 what business will you go into?" I did say that I would want to open a youth centre. I will love to travel round the world to experience different cultures too. And buy a car perhaps? I also said I'll buy a library of books.. :)
But given the kind of questions they ask, I also did say that if I had RM1,000,000 as a teenager, I would hire a popstar band for my birthday...and buy lots of clothes...or send mass SMS to announce to my friends that I won Rm1,000,000. And...buy a flashy sports car..
Okay for one, I don't even really keep up with pop trends/songs or even drive fast, (why would I need a sports car!)...but they ask questions that "twist your arm indirectly" to get answers they want you to say on camera.
Plus, they will certainly cut out the things I personally would do with RM 1,000,000 so if I appear on TV I'll probably end up saying "If I have RM1,000,000 I'll throw an exclusive party and fly my favourite boy band in" instead (Hahaha!)
Yea if you are wondering, I had to sign a contract, so I really have no control over what footage they'll use and what they won't so.......
I rather not appear on TV than to appear as materialistic gal.
(I can just imagine my sister laughing and saying, aiyo you look so ugly and some more give such crap answers. Tell me not to spend so much money,spend wisely blah, blah, blah but go on tv saying you'll fly a pop band in....)
But anyway it was nice to earn RM50 in 15 minutes! hahaha...
Still, it got me thinking if I really had RM1,000,000 will I really use it for myself or for common good? It's easy to say that I'll donate it all away yet retract my words when the crunch comes. Likewise my life, I guess. I can easily say I would want to serve God even when I'm working or go into missions or stay firm in God no matter what happens. Yet, when I'm really faced with choices in the future, will my "idealistic" promises fade away or will I give God what I have promised him, my life and my trust?
So if I really had RM1,000,000 what will I do with it? Pay my PMS IMU fees of course (which unfortunately will reduce the amount drastically!!!), help my sisters on behalf of my parents and use the extra money to send students especially medical students for mission exposure trips overseas. (Oh yea, I had to turn down another oppurtunity to go to Myanmar in April! So many chances and cannot go because of IMU.. :( )
As for my own life, humanly, I know I will fail to live out to my promises and not give God my full trust. Thus I pray for greater sensitivity to God's promptings and His grace to cover me. For as C.S. Lewis says, "We are not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be."
So given Rm1,000,000 what are you going to do with it?
More so, given 1 life. And only 1 master to choose. So many choices. Who will reign?
Will probably write on retreat for the CF blog so CFers if you happen to unfortunately stumble to my blog, visit the CF blog instead... :)
Wednesday, January 25, 2006
Monday, January 16, 2006
Sunday readings
Oh no, I have been exposed as a hopeless romantic wannabe! I can't believe myself...for all my inclinations to politics and current issues in the papers, this "heart-warming, human interest story" somehow lingered in my celebrum. This is not the first time I've read this story but the last lines really caught my attention.
The Star Sunday January 15, 2006
The test
JOHN Blanchard stood up from the bench, straightened his army uniform, and studied the crowd of people making their way through Grand Central Station. He looked for the girl whose heart he knew, but whose face he didn’t, the girl with the rose.
Blanchard’s interest in her had begun 13 months before in a Florida library. Taking a book off the shelf he found himself intrigued, not with its words, but with the notes pencilled in the margin. The soft handwriting reflected a thoughtful soul and insightful mind. In the front of the book, he discovered the previous owner’s name, Miss Hollis Maynell.
With time and effort he located her address. She lived in New York City. He wrote her a letter introducing himself and inviting her to correspond. The next day he was shipped overseas for service in World War II.
During the next year and one month, the two grew to know each other through the mail. Each letter was a seed falling on a fertile heart. A romance was budding.
Blanchard requested a photograph, but she refused. She felt that if he really cared, it wouldn’t matter what she looked like. When the day finally came for him to return from Europe, they scheduled their first meeting – 7pm at the Grand Central Station in New York. “You’ll recognise me,” she wrote, “by the red rose I’ll be wearing on my lapel.”
So at the appointed time, he was in the station looking for a girl whose heart he loved, but whose face he’d never seen. I’ll let Blanchard tell you what happened:
“A young woman was coming toward me, her figure long and slim. Her blonde hair lay back in curls from her delicate ears; her eyes were blue as flowers. Her lips and chin had a gentle firmness, and in her pale green suit she was like springtime come alive. I started toward her, entirely forgetting to notice that she was not wearing a rose.
“As I moved, a small, provocative smile curved her lips. ‘Going my way, sailor?’ she murmured. Almost uncontrollably, I made one step closer to her, and then I saw Hollis Maynell.
“She was standing almost directly behind the girl. A woman well past 40, she had graying hair tucked under a worn hat. She was more than plump, her thick-ankled feet thrust into low-heeled shoes. The girl in the green suit was walking quickly away. I felt as though I was split in two, so keen was my desire to follow her, and yet so deep was my longing for the woman whose spirit had truly companioned me and upheld my own.
“And there she stood. Her pale, plump face was gentle and sensible, her gray eyes had a warm and kindly twinkle. I did not hesitate. My fingers gripped the small worn blue leather copy of the book that was to identify me to her. This would not be love, but it would be something precious, something perhaps even better than love, a friendship for which I had been and must ever be grateful.
“I squared my shoulders and saluted and held out the book to the woman, even though while I spoke I felt choked by the bitterness of my disappointment.
“‘I’m Lieutenant John Blanchard, and you must by Miss Maynell. I am so glad you could meet me. May I take you to dinner?’
“The woman’s face broadened into a tolerant smile. ‘I don’t know what this is about, son,” she answered, ‘but the young lady in the green suit who just went by begged me to wear this rose on my coat. And she said if you were to ask me out to dinner, I should go and tell you that she is waiting for you in the big restaurant across the street. She said it was some kind of test!’
“It’s not difficult to understand and admire Miss Maynell’s wisdom. The true nature of a heart is seen in its response to the unattractive.”
“Tell me whom you love,” Houssaye wrote, “And I will tell you who you are."
The Star Sunday January 15, 2006
The test
JOHN Blanchard stood up from the bench, straightened his army uniform, and studied the crowd of people making their way through Grand Central Station. He looked for the girl whose heart he knew, but whose face he didn’t, the girl with the rose.
Blanchard’s interest in her had begun 13 months before in a Florida library. Taking a book off the shelf he found himself intrigued, not with its words, but with the notes pencilled in the margin. The soft handwriting reflected a thoughtful soul and insightful mind. In the front of the book, he discovered the previous owner’s name, Miss Hollis Maynell.
With time and effort he located her address. She lived in New York City. He wrote her a letter introducing himself and inviting her to correspond. The next day he was shipped overseas for service in World War II.
During the next year and one month, the two grew to know each other through the mail. Each letter was a seed falling on a fertile heart. A romance was budding.
Blanchard requested a photograph, but she refused. She felt that if he really cared, it wouldn’t matter what she looked like. When the day finally came for him to return from Europe, they scheduled their first meeting – 7pm at the Grand Central Station in New York. “You’ll recognise me,” she wrote, “by the red rose I’ll be wearing on my lapel.”
So at the appointed time, he was in the station looking for a girl whose heart he loved, but whose face he’d never seen. I’ll let Blanchard tell you what happened:
“A young woman was coming toward me, her figure long and slim. Her blonde hair lay back in curls from her delicate ears; her eyes were blue as flowers. Her lips and chin had a gentle firmness, and in her pale green suit she was like springtime come alive. I started toward her, entirely forgetting to notice that she was not wearing a rose.
“As I moved, a small, provocative smile curved her lips. ‘Going my way, sailor?’ she murmured. Almost uncontrollably, I made one step closer to her, and then I saw Hollis Maynell.
“She was standing almost directly behind the girl. A woman well past 40, she had graying hair tucked under a worn hat. She was more than plump, her thick-ankled feet thrust into low-heeled shoes. The girl in the green suit was walking quickly away. I felt as though I was split in two, so keen was my desire to follow her, and yet so deep was my longing for the woman whose spirit had truly companioned me and upheld my own.
“And there she stood. Her pale, plump face was gentle and sensible, her gray eyes had a warm and kindly twinkle. I did not hesitate. My fingers gripped the small worn blue leather copy of the book that was to identify me to her. This would not be love, but it would be something precious, something perhaps even better than love, a friendship for which I had been and must ever be grateful.
“I squared my shoulders and saluted and held out the book to the woman, even though while I spoke I felt choked by the bitterness of my disappointment.
“‘I’m Lieutenant John Blanchard, and you must by Miss Maynell. I am so glad you could meet me. May I take you to dinner?’
“The woman’s face broadened into a tolerant smile. ‘I don’t know what this is about, son,” she answered, ‘but the young lady in the green suit who just went by begged me to wear this rose on my coat. And she said if you were to ask me out to dinner, I should go and tell you that she is waiting for you in the big restaurant across the street. She said it was some kind of test!’
“It’s not difficult to understand and admire Miss Maynell’s wisdom. The true nature of a heart is seen in its response to the unattractive.”
“Tell me whom you love,” Houssaye wrote, “And I will tell you who you are."
Thursday, January 12, 2006
Acceptance?
As usual, IMU students have to visit the dialysis centre during their Renal system. I went for my visit last Wednesday to the centre in Hang Lekiu. This centre in Jalan Hang Lekiu is run by NKF (National Kidney Foundation) and gives subsidized treatment to the patients.
Patients with chronic renal failure MUST go for dialysis treatments 3 times a week, 4 hours each time, for the rest of their lives. It's not much of a convenience to sit down for 4 hours each time, having 2 needles 4cm wide poked into you while the machine hums. All your blood goes out to a machine and comes in again. Patients with crf also have to take medication and go for blood tests every month. Plus, they develop a lot of complications like infections, bone disorders, anemia, and embolisms. And...they have to go for operations to harvest ateriovenous fistulas, plus, have unsightly bumps on hands due to the high pressure of blood flowing in and out. Patients have to control their diet and water intake (cannot take more than 500ml water a day, what if you suddenly get very very thirsty and "exceed" your limit of water for the day?). CRF is not curable and patients are "doomed" to dialysis for life unless someone is willing to donate a kidney for transplant. Imagine, one cannot go for holidays, or even drink higher amounts of water and get stuck to a machine 4 hours a day for 3 days a week!
Ok, I'm not here to give a lecture on chronic renal failure. But being the pessimist that I am and the person plagued with depressiveness, I wonder what gives these patients the will to live on?
I saw an elderly Indian man, blind (because of diabetes complications), on dialysis and in a wheelchair unable to walk, and wonder, if I were in that position, won't I prefer to die?
Indeed, as my father said, some patients prefer to die than to be restricted 10, 15 years to a machine until they die.
As the sister was showing us around the centre, she remarked that people often wonder why patients were happy patients, considering they had renal failure. The answer, they accept the position they are in. To these patients, this is just another routine in their lives and they accept that they have to be dependent on dialysis. And she continued to say that educated patients have a harder time coping with the diagnosis of renal failure because they can't accept the limitations and inconveniences of being on dialysis.
It struck me because I chronically struggle to accept circumstances. In some ways it's positive as we must never become to complacent with life or accept our weaknesses without the motivation to change. Yet, at times, God just wants us to accept the circumstances of our lives and depend on Him to go on. Which is a struggle for me, for I always refuse to accept "bad things" and try to "fix" circumstances. So I am leaning to accept that while I may not always know the answers to complexities it does not challenge His sovereignty. Neither when I don't see His power displayed, is His power negated.
Lord, give me the courage to change the things I can,
The serenity to accept the things I cannot,
And the wisdom to know the difference.
Of course, it's moments of experiencing humanity; grieving in heart but with sprinkles of hope in relating to patients, that makes all the exams, books, humiliation, self doubt and perplexities of being a medical student worth its while.
Patients with chronic renal failure MUST go for dialysis treatments 3 times a week, 4 hours each time, for the rest of their lives. It's not much of a convenience to sit down for 4 hours each time, having 2 needles 4cm wide poked into you while the machine hums. All your blood goes out to a machine and comes in again. Patients with crf also have to take medication and go for blood tests every month. Plus, they develop a lot of complications like infections, bone disorders, anemia, and embolisms. And...they have to go for operations to harvest ateriovenous fistulas, plus, have unsightly bumps on hands due to the high pressure of blood flowing in and out. Patients have to control their diet and water intake (cannot take more than 500ml water a day, what if you suddenly get very very thirsty and "exceed" your limit of water for the day?). CRF is not curable and patients are "doomed" to dialysis for life unless someone is willing to donate a kidney for transplant. Imagine, one cannot go for holidays, or even drink higher amounts of water and get stuck to a machine 4 hours a day for 3 days a week!
Ok, I'm not here to give a lecture on chronic renal failure. But being the pessimist that I am and the person plagued with depressiveness, I wonder what gives these patients the will to live on?
I saw an elderly Indian man, blind (because of diabetes complications), on dialysis and in a wheelchair unable to walk, and wonder, if I were in that position, won't I prefer to die?
Indeed, as my father said, some patients prefer to die than to be restricted 10, 15 years to a machine until they die.
As the sister was showing us around the centre, she remarked that people often wonder why patients were happy patients, considering they had renal failure. The answer, they accept the position they are in. To these patients, this is just another routine in their lives and they accept that they have to be dependent on dialysis. And she continued to say that educated patients have a harder time coping with the diagnosis of renal failure because they can't accept the limitations and inconveniences of being on dialysis.
It struck me because I chronically struggle to accept circumstances. In some ways it's positive as we must never become to complacent with life or accept our weaknesses without the motivation to change. Yet, at times, God just wants us to accept the circumstances of our lives and depend on Him to go on. Which is a struggle for me, for I always refuse to accept "bad things" and try to "fix" circumstances. So I am leaning to accept that while I may not always know the answers to complexities it does not challenge His sovereignty. Neither when I don't see His power displayed, is His power negated.
Lord, give me the courage to change the things I can,
The serenity to accept the things I cannot,
And the wisdom to know the difference.
Of course, it's moments of experiencing humanity; grieving in heart but with sprinkles of hope in relating to patients, that makes all the exams, books, humiliation, self doubt and perplexities of being a medical student worth its while.
Saturday, January 07, 2006
Cambodia?
There's an opening to go Cambodia for missions in March...
Cambodia! Cambodia!
The land stained red by Khmer Rouge, where there's great hunger for God. Where people are gracious and according to friends on previous trips, wonderful pork dishes!
but..TIME is again the problem.
Argh.
Cambodia! Cambodia!
The land stained red by Khmer Rouge, where there's great hunger for God. Where people are gracious and according to friends on previous trips, wonderful pork dishes!
but..TIME is again the problem.
Argh.
Thursday, January 05, 2006
Genetically
Unfortunately intelligence and hard workingness (is there such a word? ha) are not inheritable...
My father was won the 2nd Barringham prize for Pathology and obtained the certificate of merit for physiology and I cannot comprehend the mechanism of acid-base balance nor, tell a slide of the large intestine from that of the breast.
"Is this the picture of a lung tissue?" Dr Thani or Dr Rahda will point to slide on screen.
"Yes" (the class answers, don't even know what are the blue dots and colours projected)
"Is it a carcinoma?"
"Yes" (yes because we do not know what is it and will say yes to anything you ask us)
"Wrong, all wrong. It's a normal tissue from the liver." (and we forget 1.5 secs latter)
Oh yea. This great.
And trying to conduct sem1 Q and A.
"Is this from myeloid or lymphoid linegae?" sem1
"Oh no, I don't even remember what cells are for which." short term memory sarah.
15 pairs of eyes from sem 1 look and wonder how did she even pass to sem 4.
Talking to sem2 students.
"Do pay attention to subacute and acute rheumatic fever, and the arterial and venous diseases." sarah speaking from experience of the shock of opening the CVS summative paper one year ago.
"What's the difference?" sem2 student asks.
"I can only remember that they are different. And there's something to do with polyarthritis nodosa....and......and..... I don't know anything anymore." (terrible, terrible, terrible)
"so, do you still remember all your basic patho/physio etc from preclinical years?" speaking to Dad about short term memory, hoping to find comfort that clinicians forget somethings after 20+ years since learning the basics.
"of course. These are simple things."
(and I have forgotten everything I've learnt 3 months ago. maybe 20 years later, I would have even forgotten that I studied in IMU)
"I heard in your batch only 3 people got A for sem 3." Junior says.
"I don't even know my batch's statistics or even checked after the exam." sarah
"And 12 got A- and 50+ got B+ and 50+ got B- and 40 failed." Junior reports.
"Wow. I don't even know what happens in my own batch."
"Do you remember my brother's name?"
"Yes yes,of course. It's A." sarah confidently says.
"No, it's Y." (Does not even rhyme or even share the first alphabet or anything to do with the real name.)
"Pray for me as I'm sharing today."
"Okay." sarah
Prays. Prays about many things about him. And forgets to pray about the main thing he asked me to pray for.
Conclusion: If I ever do graduate, please do not consult Dr Sarah Ong. She has short term memory and cannot remember people's names let alone people's illness. So you are warned!
And do forgive me for being forgetful as my white and gray matter in my brain decays at a much much faster rate compared to normal people.
Haha.
On a much more melachonic and ehmm...depressing tone (I'm sorry Eu Pui when you have to read this over and over and over again..Hi there too, and I don't know how you found this because I don't like to publitize esp because I write depressing posts), in a way, God is 'probably' (probably because I'm not sure but I'm sure,haha) answering/has answered the very prayers I made on a very downcast day.
Till today, I find it a sad, funny prayer that was beyond me to even dare to pray in that way. Do I regret making such prayers? I don't know, I am only human after all. Yet, not as I will but as You will. You know it all. How much it matters to me. Yet how much it doesn't matter compared to You. You matter more. Indeed
My father was won the 2nd Barringham prize for Pathology and obtained the certificate of merit for physiology and I cannot comprehend the mechanism of acid-base balance nor, tell a slide of the large intestine from that of the breast.
"Is this the picture of a lung tissue?" Dr Thani or Dr Rahda will point to slide on screen.
"Yes" (the class answers, don't even know what are the blue dots and colours projected)
"Is it a carcinoma?"
"Yes" (yes because we do not know what is it and will say yes to anything you ask us)
"Wrong, all wrong. It's a normal tissue from the liver." (and we forget 1.5 secs latter)
Oh yea. This great.
And trying to conduct sem1 Q and A.
"Is this from myeloid or lymphoid linegae?" sem1
"Oh no, I don't even remember what cells are for which." short term memory sarah.
15 pairs of eyes from sem 1 look and wonder how did she even pass to sem 4.
Talking to sem2 students.
"Do pay attention to subacute and acute rheumatic fever, and the arterial and venous diseases." sarah speaking from experience of the shock of opening the CVS summative paper one year ago.
"What's the difference?" sem2 student asks.
"I can only remember that they are different. And there's something to do with polyarthritis nodosa....and......and..... I don't know anything anymore." (terrible, terrible, terrible)
"so, do you still remember all your basic patho/physio etc from preclinical years?" speaking to Dad about short term memory, hoping to find comfort that clinicians forget somethings after 20+ years since learning the basics.
"of course. These are simple things."
(and I have forgotten everything I've learnt 3 months ago. maybe 20 years later, I would have even forgotten that I studied in IMU)
"I heard in your batch only 3 people got A for sem 3." Junior says.
"I don't even know my batch's statistics or even checked after the exam." sarah
"And 12 got A- and 50+ got B+ and 50+ got B- and 40 failed." Junior reports.
"Wow. I don't even know what happens in my own batch."
"Do you remember my brother's name?"
"Yes yes,of course. It's A." sarah confidently says.
"No, it's Y." (Does not even rhyme or even share the first alphabet or anything to do with the real name.)
"Pray for me as I'm sharing today."
"Okay." sarah
Prays. Prays about many things about him. And forgets to pray about the main thing he asked me to pray for.
Conclusion: If I ever do graduate, please do not consult Dr Sarah Ong. She has short term memory and cannot remember people's names let alone people's illness. So you are warned!
And do forgive me for being forgetful as my white and gray matter in my brain decays at a much much faster rate compared to normal people.
Haha.
On a much more melachonic and ehmm...depressing tone (I'm sorry Eu Pui when you have to read this over and over and over again..Hi there too, and I don't know how you found this because I don't like to publitize esp because I write depressing posts), in a way, God is 'probably' (probably because I'm not sure but I'm sure,haha) answering/has answered the very prayers I made on a very downcast day.
Till today, I find it a sad, funny prayer that was beyond me to even dare to pray in that way. Do I regret making such prayers? I don't know, I am only human after all. Yet, not as I will but as You will. You know it all. How much it matters to me. Yet how much it doesn't matter compared to You. You matter more. Indeed
Monday, January 02, 2006
2006
Dependence. Function: noun1 : the quality or state of being dependent; especially : the quality or state of being influenced or determined by or subject to another2 : RELIANCE, TRUST3 : one that is relied on
because i am so stubborn and so proud at times i think it's only when crisis hits and the sun refuses to peak out from the gloomy skies that i choose to depend on God and on Him alone.
it's terrible knowing my limitations. my race to squeeze time. my inablity to sound confident to even myself as i mouth the words and go with the motions.
Exodus 33:12-23.
truly Lord if You are not going with me, i am not going.
because i don't know how to live life. to balance all the dots. nor the question marks.
self.family.studies.books.growth.change.love.thelackof.movingon?lettinggo.choices.rest.direction.Yourwillcf.cg.church.cgchurch.
mission.interests.christianfriends.nonchristianfriends.timeout.timein.
chillout.grace.firmness. mistakes.travels.wisdom.surrender.
talks.calls.mails.truthfulness.imu?beyondimu? hearkbr/eaks.
smil:)es.funnymoments.profoundlandmarks.tearssss.
laughtilljawhurtstimes.exams.waiting.patiencepatiencepatience.
aMAzement.frusfrusfrustration.camps?trips?retreats?
victory.defeats.hairandclothes(haha).ohyea,weight.simplicity.desicions.
fears.insensitivity.singularity.encouragements.cliches.impatience.
praisesforU.gratitute.takingUforgranted.learningmore?
i really don't know. i'm depending on You! don't let me down. i know You won't.
2006. here we go.
because i am so stubborn and so proud at times i think it's only when crisis hits and the sun refuses to peak out from the gloomy skies that i choose to depend on God and on Him alone.
it's terrible knowing my limitations. my race to squeeze time. my inablity to sound confident to even myself as i mouth the words and go with the motions.
Exodus 33:12-23.
truly Lord if You are not going with me, i am not going.
because i don't know how to live life. to balance all the dots. nor the question marks.
self.family.studies.books.growth.change.love.thelackof.movingon?lettinggo.choices.rest.direction.Yourwillcf.cg.church.cgchurch.
mission.interests.christianfriends.nonchristianfriends.timeout.timein.
chillout.grace.firmness. mistakes.travels.wisdom.surrender.
talks.calls.mails.truthfulness.imu?beyondimu? hearkbr/eaks.
smil:)es.funnymoments.profoundlandmarks.tearssss.
laughtilljawhurtstimes.exams.waiting.patiencepatiencepatience.
aMAzement.frusfrusfrustration.camps?trips?retreats?
victory.defeats.hairandclothes(haha).ohyea,weight.simplicity.desicions.
fears.insensitivity.singularity.encouragements.cliches.impatience.
praisesforU.gratitute.takingUforgranted.learningmore?
i really don't know. i'm depending on You! don't let me down. i know You won't.
2006. here we go.
Thursday, December 29, 2005
Stepping of a clift
I don't know what to do.
Where I am.
What I'm doing.
Who am I.
What this year has meant.
The past, the present and the future.
Where to go from here?
It's just You and me.
Here we go down this clift.
I don't know if everything will be okay.
But here we go.
I trust You'll lift me up.
I trust that even if You don't lift me up, You'll mend my broken pieces.
When I fall down this clift.
It's just You and me.
Where I am.
What I'm doing.
Who am I.
What this year has meant.
The past, the present and the future.
Where to go from here?
It's just You and me.
Here we go down this clift.
I don't know if everything will be okay.
But here we go.
I trust You'll lift me up.
I trust that even if You don't lift me up, You'll mend my broken pieces.
When I fall down this clift.
It's just You and me.
Tuesday, December 27, 2005
Season without love
The world and all its splendor
Cannot explain it all
No I can't imagine each day without your love
Walking on the streets of memories
Each step without a clue
My heart is hurting now
What's is next? What should I do?
Time it passes, does not sit still
Yet not mine, but it's your will
The decision that is made can't be earsed
That's the reason it's a season without love
I can't believe
That it hurts more than it seems
When I lie down all alone
Sweet memories come to me
Rain or shine, this pain of mine
It subsides by my side
Gives me a reason
For a season without love
I don't know how long it'll take
For healing to take place
Only Jesus knows, how bad my heart aches
The only comfort I find
Is when I sit down and pray
Hoping that she'll find her comfort
As she lives, day by day.
Jonathan Tse: Season without love, from the album Purpose.
(My church member from COHS Labuan, now serving in Faith Christian Centre Sunway. I used to jump on his bed with his brother in his house. He and his brother Oliver where the first "corrupting force" that introduced me to the computer and computer games! And play ping pong on the dinning table with video cassettes as the net. Time flies!)
Cannot explain it all
No I can't imagine each day without your love
Walking on the streets of memories
Each step without a clue
My heart is hurting now
What's is next? What should I do?
Time it passes, does not sit still
Yet not mine, but it's your will
The decision that is made can't be earsed
That's the reason it's a season without love
I can't believe
That it hurts more than it seems
When I lie down all alone
Sweet memories come to me
Rain or shine, this pain of mine
It subsides by my side
Gives me a reason
For a season without love
I don't know how long it'll take
For healing to take place
Only Jesus knows, how bad my heart aches
The only comfort I find
Is when I sit down and pray
Hoping that she'll find her comfort
As she lives, day by day.
Jonathan Tse: Season without love, from the album Purpose.
(My church member from COHS Labuan, now serving in Faith Christian Centre Sunway. I used to jump on his bed with his brother in his house. He and his brother Oliver where the first "corrupting force" that introduced me to the computer and computer games! And play ping pong on the dinning table with video cassettes as the net. Time flies!)
Home is.....
Looking at our half bald christmas tree with funny ornaments.
Surrounded by all my favourite books and magazines.
Chasing the dog named Panadaol off the couch.
Teasing sisters about boys and "nagging" them to boredom.
Lying in bed with Mum talking about batch "gossip" and teasing her by saying that I'll never get married.
Eating, eating, and eating.
The piano with a rusty player.
My favourite bed sheet with pink flowers. (ha, so girly..haha)
Talking with Dad about his days in UK, travelling to far flung hospitals on his moped.
Listening to how Dad charmed Mum with side walked picked flowers (too poor to buy flowers!)
Plus, how they both worked in the shoe shop together.....
Talking with the youth in church, kids who used to run around are now in their teens!
Remembering how innocent life was, secondary school days with blue pinafores and white shoes and big dreams.
Catching up on friends' news, who's dating who, who's where and who's doing what, amazed at how much all of us have changed and taken different paths of something bittersweet called life.
Reflecting on God, the past, present and future.
Thinking of the what ifs.
Surrounded by all my favourite books and magazines.
Chasing the dog named Panadaol off the couch.
Teasing sisters about boys and "nagging" them to boredom.
Lying in bed with Mum talking about batch "gossip" and teasing her by saying that I'll never get married.
Eating, eating, and eating.
The piano with a rusty player.
My favourite bed sheet with pink flowers. (ha, so girly..haha)
Talking with Dad about his days in UK, travelling to far flung hospitals on his moped.
Listening to how Dad charmed Mum with side walked picked flowers (too poor to buy flowers!)
Plus, how they both worked in the shoe shop together.....
Talking with the youth in church, kids who used to run around are now in their teens!
Remembering how innocent life was, secondary school days with blue pinafores and white shoes and big dreams.
Catching up on friends' news, who's dating who, who's where and who's doing what, amazed at how much all of us have changed and taken different paths of something bittersweet called life.
Reflecting on God, the past, present and future.
Thinking of the what ifs.
Friday, December 23, 2005
Sssshhh...
Sssshhh..can I just disappear?
Everything just seems so trival and insignificant.
Frustration, "frustra" latin for in vain.
In vain. In vain. In vain.
No, it's not repro that's in vain.
It's everything.
No, I can't disappear....
But it's a hauntingly attractive idea.
Everything just seems so trival and insignificant.
Frustration, "frustra" latin for in vain.
In vain. In vain. In vain.
No, it's not repro that's in vain.
It's everything.
No, I can't disappear....
But it's a hauntingly attractive idea.
Tuesday, December 20, 2005
True/not true?
From IMU Campus forum http://www.imucampus.com/forum/viewtopic.php?t=201&postdays=0&postorder=asc&start=45
what's wrong with girls making the first move?
um nothing, except for the fact that i have yet to see a relationship where it was the girl who expressed interest first that has actually lasted. usually it ends with the guy delivering the killer line, "well YOU were the one who liked me first" before storming off.
since this thread is all about making sweeping statements, i shall go ahead and say this: guys would stay in a relationship longer if they were the ones who wanted it and pursued it in the first place.
if it were the girl making the move first...he'd probably be flattered and maybe eventually go out with her. but it wouldn't be what HE wanted FIRST. it would be sort of a..."okla, since you like me and you're a good person who is quite cute also, i'll give it a go" instead of a "i really like you and would work hard to keep the relationship going".
ok, let's say it's the other way round, and a guy takes the initiative to ask a girl out. a typical female response would be "how sweet! omg he likes me? aww. i guess i've always liked him too, just that i never noticed. how sweeeeeeeet!" and she'd be way too flattered to do anything but dwell in the new source of affection that's come her way. and that source wouldn't run out either. cuz HE wanted her FIRST.
i can see a million contradictions in the last two paragraphs, but like i said, who cares? every time there is any argument about men and women and relationships (or a lack of), there are bound to be contradictions.
men say they know she's "the one" if they can see her bearing their children. but when she's carrying the child, they go find someone whom they can see swallowing their seed without bearing anything.
women say they want men who will open doors and pull out chairs for them. but when the men do, they think, "what a sexist! to think i can't open my own door and pull out my own chair!"
i don't blame anyone for being confused, frustrated, or annoyed!
(Not written by me ar! haha..too bored@stressed, reading lots of blogs and forums....oh no, this IS bad)
what's wrong with girls making the first move?
um nothing, except for the fact that i have yet to see a relationship where it was the girl who expressed interest first that has actually lasted. usually it ends with the guy delivering the killer line, "well YOU were the one who liked me first" before storming off.
since this thread is all about making sweeping statements, i shall go ahead and say this: guys would stay in a relationship longer if they were the ones who wanted it and pursued it in the first place.
if it were the girl making the move first...he'd probably be flattered and maybe eventually go out with her. but it wouldn't be what HE wanted FIRST. it would be sort of a..."okla, since you like me and you're a good person who is quite cute also, i'll give it a go" instead of a "i really like you and would work hard to keep the relationship going".
ok, let's say it's the other way round, and a guy takes the initiative to ask a girl out. a typical female response would be "how sweet! omg he likes me? aww. i guess i've always liked him too, just that i never noticed. how sweeeeeeeet!" and she'd be way too flattered to do anything but dwell in the new source of affection that's come her way. and that source wouldn't run out either. cuz HE wanted her FIRST.
i can see a million contradictions in the last two paragraphs, but like i said, who cares? every time there is any argument about men and women and relationships (or a lack of), there are bound to be contradictions.
men say they know she's "the one" if they can see her bearing their children. but when she's carrying the child, they go find someone whom they can see swallowing their seed without bearing anything.
women say they want men who will open doors and pull out chairs for them. but when the men do, they think, "what a sexist! to think i can't open my own door and pull out my own chair!"
i don't blame anyone for being confused, frustrated, or annoyed!
(Not written by me ar! haha..too bored@stressed, reading lots of blogs and forums....oh no, this IS bad)
Monday, December 19, 2005
Exhaustion
It's the kind that lingers even after 12 hours of sleep.
It's the kind that makes you feel irrational and bleak.
It's the kind that clouds your mind and invades your dreams.
It's the kind that makes you want to hide under the covers of your bed and not get up to face the real world.
It's the kind that cannot be remedied with movies or food or books or friends.
It's the kind that makes you off your phones and go online, yet appear offline so that you can see the world yet hide from it? (oh oh..gave up my cover..yea, that's why suddenly I pop online when I see some of you online when I need to msg you..unlike ICQ, MSN does not allow msgs on appear offline/invisble mode)
It's the kind that drives you away from friends, fearing that the irrationality mentioned above would suddenly cause you to snap for no reason.
It's the kind that makes you feel guilty for feeling this way.
It's the kind that you don't dare tell your parents about, not because they will lecture you but because they would worry more.
It's the kind that makes you feel fat..(ahahahaha :) )
It's the kind where you want to tell someone all about when they ask how are you but then decide otherwise because you are even too exhausted to explain or elaborate or tolerate cliches (but I give people cliches too because no matter how terrible I feel, I still still want to believe in God)
It's the kind that gives you the far away look in your eyes. (and eye bags..Haha)
It's the kind that demands solitude from the banter of giggles but craves the assurance of silence from the other half.
It's the kind where you just want to be left alone, but you don't want to be alone.
It's the kind that I dread the most because it signals something called burnout that I have been trying to avoid and deny and fight against.
Lord. I'm human. I burnout too. Despite trying not to. Despite warning myself against it.
And I'm afraid. Afraid that when I burnout, others might not want to serve you or love you or trust You. Afraid to even write this out, afraid of being the discouragement.
But Lord, although some may understand and others may not, remind me I'm not living for the perceptions of others...or rather, my perception of other people's perception of me. (what a mouthful)
Having said that, I still need to pass my reproduction system test and pass it well! :)
And to honour your perception of me as your beloved child by the actions in my life.
So yea..help me Lord!
It's the kind that makes you feel irrational and bleak.
It's the kind that clouds your mind and invades your dreams.
It's the kind that makes you want to hide under the covers of your bed and not get up to face the real world.
It's the kind that cannot be remedied with movies or food or books or friends.
It's the kind that makes you off your phones and go online, yet appear offline so that you can see the world yet hide from it? (oh oh..gave up my cover..yea, that's why suddenly I pop online when I see some of you online when I need to msg you..unlike ICQ, MSN does not allow msgs on appear offline/invisble mode)
It's the kind that drives you away from friends, fearing that the irrationality mentioned above would suddenly cause you to snap for no reason.
It's the kind that makes you feel guilty for feeling this way.
It's the kind that you don't dare tell your parents about, not because they will lecture you but because they would worry more.
It's the kind that makes you feel fat..(ahahahaha :) )
It's the kind where you want to tell someone all about when they ask how are you but then decide otherwise because you are even too exhausted to explain or elaborate or tolerate cliches (but I give people cliches too because no matter how terrible I feel, I still still want to believe in God)
It's the kind that gives you the far away look in your eyes. (and eye bags..Haha)
It's the kind that demands solitude from the banter of giggles but craves the assurance of silence from the other half.
It's the kind where you just want to be left alone, but you don't want to be alone.
It's the kind that I dread the most because it signals something called burnout that I have been trying to avoid and deny and fight against.
Lord. I'm human. I burnout too. Despite trying not to. Despite warning myself against it.
And I'm afraid. Afraid that when I burnout, others might not want to serve you or love you or trust You. Afraid to even write this out, afraid of being the discouragement.
But Lord, although some may understand and others may not, remind me I'm not living for the perceptions of others...or rather, my perception of other people's perception of me. (what a mouthful)
Having said that, I still need to pass my reproduction system test and pass it well! :)
And to honour your perception of me as your beloved child by the actions in my life.
So yea..help me Lord!
Sunday, December 18, 2005
The ushers, wedding singer and best man
Philip@photographer runner (thanks so much for the transport+getting lost+making me laugh), Peter@the wedding singer (that did not bring rain to the wedding..so if you are considering a garden wedding, you can ask him to sing for you! Plus he appeared in The Star), Andrea@the buaya (keep your sisters away from him! JK andrea!), Chris@the best man (Please have your wedding before September so that I can attend, or alternatively buy me a ticket from wherever I'll be studying next year)
Cindy@the videographer+super cool girl, Jinny@the head usher+very capable computer programmer expert (have a good holiday in Penang and continue to take care of your health! Always enjoy your company in CG), Audrey@auds+full time pastor to be? (You inspire even in your honesty on your struggles), Sarah@bad eye bags+spoil the picture..haha..
MADZ+Commenwealth
Presenting Mr and Mrs Victor Yong!!
Our very own canto pop star CG leader@Daniel M'sian Idol lookalike and his beautiful, smart Dr wife..
God bless and have a wonderful marraige plus many kids..
Beauty and the beast.. Haha
Gracey, our beauty! Our very own Miss Sarimah Ibrahim, you look good! :)
Semoga anda mendapat pengalaman yang manis dan berguna ketika mengikuti Sekolah Jeremiah pada bulan Januari nanti....
Walaupun cerita kedua orang kawan kita belum selesai dan kadang kala sungguh mengelirukan, Tuhan tahu segala-galanya. (PS You should consider curling your hair!)
Dan terima kasih kerana berada dalam gambar ini agar semua perhatian ditumpukan kepada kamu kerana saya memang macam orang yang tidak cukup tidur/baru habis menangis..teruk la mata saya. :)
Thursday, December 15, 2005
A picture speaks a thousand words
If you love the trobbing ache of politics,
If you love discovering beauty in the ashes of ugliness,
If you love the haunting eyes of humanity,
If you love nature; its tenderness and its wrath,
If you love life, warts and all...
Click here http://www.time.com/time/yip/2005/
TIME magazine pictures of year 2005
If you love discovering beauty in the ashes of ugliness,
If you love the haunting eyes of humanity,
If you love nature; its tenderness and its wrath,
If you love life, warts and all...
Click here http://www.time.com/time/yip/2005/
TIME magazine pictures of year 2005
Tuesday, December 13, 2005
The ministry
So what did we do there? The King in the picture is Kheng Yew our assistant team leader. He was acting as King Herod. We did a Christmas play for the people there. We had two nights of "evangelistic" meetings. We went around from house to house to talk to people. Some of us taught and played with the children, singing Christian BM songs and teaching them about Jesus. Others of us bonded with the teenagers. The teenage girls are very eager to learn keyboard and guitars. Builidng relationships was the main purpose of our trip.
Of course, our mission trip was not perfect. Our van had major problems. There were times of rubbing against each other, as we had to live, eat, sleep together. A lot of patience and grace was needed among everyone. Learnt to eat anything, bath in cold water in the morning (mandi kampung), chase chickens out of the church, walk in hot sun. Translated in broken malay for Kheng Yew. Being flexible to adapt to situations and just letting go of control, letting God take control.
The people
I'm with Pastor Mondon, Natasha and her cousin in this picture. Pastor Mondon is actually from Sabah and has moved to Kampung Bukit Serok to serve the orang asli here. He has been there for 8 months. It's not easy for him as he has 5 children, the youngest being 1.5 years old. Both he and his wife, Ps Liyu are pastors. Ps Liyu is an amazing woman. She herself is a pastor and is often very busy looking after the children, cooking, serving and supporting Ps Mondon.
Realized the importance of partnership in ministry. For example, when they go out to do visitation, both of them go together. The reason being that this is still a conservative society, and it's better for both of them to go together so that Ps Liyu can talk to the widows while Ps Mondon can talk to the men. It would be inappropriate there if Ps Mondon is to go out alone and visit people's houses if only the womanfolk are at home. The same applies to Ps Liyu. Both of them also support and encourage each other; being new to the village, they are often disappointed and rejected at times.
The children of Kampung Bukit Serok are plentiful as each family have more than 5 children. There are also a lot of special children there. It's probably due to inter-marriage among kin in the village as the village has a population of 3000-4000. The children are very active, and being the conservative med student, it's at times worrying when I see boys climb up 10 feet trees! Children as young as 10 also zip around the village on motorcycles.
(Yes, I am shades darker now...to add to my already tanned skin. Had a very funny conversation with my Mum this morning. The first thing she asked me when she called me at 9.30 in the morning was not "How's the trip?" etc. But "Did you put on weight?" "Are you darker now?" Haha... but yea, she's really great because she allows me to go everywhere even after numerous accidents. And she just listened to the van woes (our van broke down! Had to push it in the pouring rain) without worrying or banning me from going again...
The typical hut
No..haha..they are not so poor to live in such huts. This kind of hut is for the Jakun people to sit outside and chat with their friends. Every house has a hut at the side. They prefer to sit at their huts most of the time because it is more cooling than their zinc roof houses. They only sleep and cook in their houses.
Visiting Ibu Rokiah
The orang asli tribe we went to was the Jakun tribe. They used to live deep in the jungles but now stay in Kampung Bukit Serok Baru, a government planned settlement. Most of them have been allocated plots of land by the government. A majority plant palm oil. Others who do not want to work lease out the land for RM400 a month. There is a single lane tar road (with potholes of course), electricity, and......ASTRO in some of the better houses. The houses are half cemment and half concrete. The people there are friendly but the gospel is still hard to be preached. There is a lot of pressure to convert to Islam. Every year, a big shot minister would come and give each orang asli RM1000!
It's also hard for them to receive the gospel as it is new to them. Or they might accept but not fully understand the meaning. Life there is slow and unambitious. A lot of youths especially the guys drop out of school at age 15-16 and do not work but just hang around riding their motorcycles and chatting away.
Ibu Rokiah is one of the few members of the church we went to. She is a widow. She's very interested in praise and worship
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