Realization no 4

I started off internship with terrible cannulation and blood taking skills.
Somehow (which I attribute to God's wisdom) I started off in a hospital where there's an after hours specialist nurse who can come and help with difficult cannulas.
Plus it was a surgical term so I certainly got lots of practice.

It was then followed by ED, then 1 week of nights (with another resident).
By the time I was placed on nights alone (only me for the whole hospital-but at least there's a med reg), thank God my cannulation has improved. Plus I had a gradual weaning to doing nights alone.

Realization no 3

I can actually sleep anywhere.
I used to be sleep resistant, even as a student-never been able to doze off on the bus etc
But now, I can sleep on the couch in the doctor's common room, sitting upright on a chair....
...and I am not even doing the crazy hours doctors in Malaysia do

Realization no 2

I can't do weekdays off well...
Part of me will feel guilty that I am not doing anything productive
Plus I can never wake up early enough-adding to the feeling that I am "wasting" my day off
...even though ironically days off should be for sleeping in

Realization no 1

I need to wear more "formal" clothes aka structured dresses, jackets...because no one believes that I am a doctor; I am often called sister, student....

...which I honestly do not mind EXCEPT when I am cannulating/blood taking and patients' refuse to trust my position.

I still

I still want to do it Your way....

even though it seems more and more far fetched
even though it's disappointed me before
even though there is no change or progress

....so help me go on

...I too want to have Your story in my life told

The car

All throughout my student life I have always relied on public transport or walked everywhere.
When I got my car late last year, I was terrified of driving. I had not really driven in 7 years except for occasional visits back in Labuan; and let's be honest, the roads/traffic in tiny Labuan is a breeze.

Furthermore, some of the road rules in Australia are different. Even though the traffic light is green you have to wait for the opposite lane to clear before you turn etc...I was just afraid that instinctly I would just drive at the green lights, forgetting that the Australian system is different.
Plus I don't know Sydney roads at all! And I was moving to a suburb/area I never visited, except for 1 lecture at Bankstown Hospital.

Needless to say, the first few weeks of driving was terrifying. I wished I could bus again or simply walk. I found it stressful to park (haha) because most Australians parralel park but we Malaysians park straight in.

BUT, nowadays I am so used to driving that I drive when I can walk to the stores..haha.
And the GPS has been a great help! I would never have known how to drive around but the GPS has taken me north, south and even to the Blue Mountains.
It's also because of the car+GPS I can go to cell groups etc etc and thus, I am thankful to God for the above. Just need to still remind myself to be careful when driving and not rush.

A dream

Then Joseph said to them, " Do not interpretations belong to God? Tell me your dreams."
Genesis 40:8b

Actually it's rather amazing that Joseph would want to have anything to do with dreams. The last time he did that, remember what happened? He told his brothers about his dreams and it was "Operation Pit City." He wound up in an Egyptian slave market. You'd think he would say, "Not me, man! I'm off of dreams forever." But not Joseph. He said "Oh really? A dream huh? Tell me about it." Charles R. Swindoll

Once bitten, twice shy?
I've seen and felt the pain of having dreams taken away; dreams where I felt was God pleasing.
But without vision, people perish.

I am daring to dream again; not that God will neccesarily grant me everything I dream about. But trusting him to be honest with what I truly desire. That He is big enough both in my joy and my disappointment.

Being a doctor...

...to me is wayyyyy overated.

1st year of med school: I want to make a difference in the world/discover the cure to cancer/win the Nobel Price for Medicine

3rd year of med school: I want to make a difference in patients' lives

5th year of med school: Med school is boring, can't wait to be a doctor

6th year of med school: I just want to pass medicine

Intern year: I just want to remember my patients' names and find their files (which always disappear when your boss arrives, making you an intern who cannot even do a basic thing like finding a chart)

Unanswered prayers?

To be honest, I do have sort of an achilles heel with God.
In my own grand plan and timeline I would be married now preferably to a Malaysian and striving to be a specialist, with the intention of returning home to Malaysia once I have achieved consultancy so that I can go back with my brood to serve.

But here I am, not sure about anything anymore!
And in a lot of ways I've grown quite numb towards God since living in Sydney.
No longer dreaming, no longer having a vision (and without vision people perish).

Yet this time when I am back with my family, I realize well, I think God has actually answered some of my prayers.
I remember a few years ago, when my father was going through his own dry season, I would purposely play a sermon CD in the car just so that he would listen because he wouldn't really pay attention in church. And my youngest sister and I would argue often.

But now, my father has changed so much! My family is so different.
I hope that my eyes will be open to see that my God is indeed big!

Living in the present

Coming back to Malaysia AND staying in Vista brings back many fond memories of IMU days. As I've repeated lots of times, IMU was where I truly grew spiritually. There are thoughts of returning to Malaysia but many factors play against it; namely the lack of clinical skills, the uncertainity of posting placements, the workload. Still something I am praying about.

Yet I am reminded that I had currents of discontentment when I was in IMU too.
And the view is always better through nostalgic rose tinted glasses.
My resolution is to be consistent with my spiritual walk with God which includes simple things like reading the bible daily and praying. To make full use of the free time for ministry, meeting up with girls, building deep friendships. Indeed I am blessed in Sydney with an okay work load. :) 7 days of nights is the reason I can come back to Malaysia because I get 7 days off after that!

Indeed I do want to live in the present, with the grace of God.

Below are random pictures including taking public transport in KL! Haha

Lack of skills

Many if not most of us have been brought up with the idea that overseas tertiary education is far superior than studying locally.
It was always something that I looked forward to; studying in the green grass overlooking an old building (sucked in by the advertising). Haha

When I started uni in Australia, I realized while maybe overseas universities are far superior and advanced in research; for the average undergraduate, it doesn't make much difference locally versus internationally (my sample size of course skewed towards just IMU vs UNSW).

As I assisted with a caesarean on my night shift recently I was humbled because I cannot even assist properly let alone do a caesarean. Our O&G term at the too posh Royal meant that we had zero to none hands on experience. Being a girl I was lucky enough to help delivery the placenta as a student, some of my male counterparts were not even allowed to touch anything. I have never fully delivered a baby on my own. Where as IMU students have a quota of deliveries that they have to do plus episitomy quotas as well! Of course I've heard that it can be super stressful trying to get the allocated number of births etc with the unpredictability of obstetrics and also jostling among coursemates for deliveries BUT...in a far small ulu distric hospital being the only MO on call, it will pay off.

Which makes me even more hesistant to return to work in Malaysia because I am simply not skilled enough. I can try to upskill another year in Australia but that would mean I might return as an MO in Malaysia where I would probably be less competent than the housemen in Malaysia.

I do not love O&G but I am considering to do a term of O&G just in case I might one day be in some small district hospital.....or...I don't know! Stay on?

Bits

1) I feel that I've missed the train again in life...



2) Doctors make the worst patients. My housemate has already started antibiotics for an URTI. I am sorely tempted to start myself


3) I now understand the obsession with TV series like the above or Friends etc. When you are in your mid twenties, somehow it seems comforting to watch other people on the screen with career,friendship,love life issues you can relate to a certain degree. (I still do not get the hype with SATC though)


4) I still fear cannulation on difficult patients....which brings me to the next topic

5) Nights make you fat because all you do is eat and sleep, messes about with your body clock and there is no one to help you if you cannot get that cannula in! (and I am starting nights tonight..)

Give me eyes to see the more of who you are.
May what I behold still my anxious heart.
Take what I have known and break it all apart.
For you my God... are greater still.

And no sky contains no doubt restrains for all you are the greatness of our God!
I'll spend my life to know
and I'm far from close to all you are, the greatness of our God.

Give me grace to see beyond this moment here.
To believe that there is nothing left to fear.
That you alone are high above it all.
And you my God are greater still...

And no sky contains no doubt restrains for all you are the greatness of our God!
I'll spend my life to know
and I'm far from close to all you are, the greatness of our God.

And there is nothing that could ever separate us,
no there is nothing that could ever separate us from your love.
No life, no death,
of this I am convinced,
you my God are greater still..

And no words could say, or song convey for you are the greatness of our God I'll spend my life to know and I'm far from close to all you are the greatness of our God

And no sky contains no doubt restrains all you are the greatness of our God!
I'll spend my life to know
and I'm far from close to all
you are the greatness of our God.

Change

When I was in my early to mid teens, I started realizing something was not quite right with our country when I read Aliran; an alternative opposition newsletter/magazine that my father subscribed.
At that time the opposition (?what opposition..never even knew/read about them in newspapers or was taught anything in school)...was powerless, small.

Aliran used to write about illegal logging, secret deals by ministers, corruption charges etc but I was skeptical; after all nothing was ever reported in the newspapers/tv. Is a random, subscription only-not sold in newstand magazine more reliable than the mighty star or utusan etc.
Of course this was before the explosion of the web and blogs.

I never thought the opposition amounted to much.
Never even really knew them or what they stood for because there was limited access to information.

Then the unthinkable happened. Anwar was sacked (and we were like "huh? did not even know he had a fall out with the PM until the news of his sacking came around).
The momentum grew but it was still never strong enough to translate into much.

Suddenly, 2008 came around. Everyone was shocked, even the opposition themselves!
Who would have thought; Penang, Selangor, Perak ruled by the opposition parties? The race had always been close in Terengganu and Kelantan but never in the metropolition cities.

And now Sibu.
I must say I did not really pay much attention to the by election. Knew bits and pieces from people's facebook wall posts and some biased information on thestar.
But I was just reading a comment made on Malaysiatoday and was struck by this

written by lee utara , May 16, 2010 well done WONG PR DAP I AM CARRYING MY BABY WHEN IHEAR THE GOOD NEWS TEARS IN MY EYES I TELL HIM MAYBE HE DONT UNDERSTAND I SAY SON, YOU HAVE A HOPE MALAYSIAN HAS WAKE UP FOR OUR NEXT GENERATION PROSPEROUS FUTURE WHICH BN HAS JOLLY OFF.GOD BLESS ALL PR THINKING MALAYSIAN, GOOD-NIGHT

The grammar may not be correct etc but.. the comment "a hope for malaysia" resonated in me.
And I remember that I am actually a Sibu born girl.
The Rejang Park 5 million dollar bribe is actually where my grandmother's shop lot is and yes, it has flooded terribly for years and years without the government doing anything and only promising to do something...1 day before the election
(I was so paranoid when I went back last year that I would contract dengue as there was just stagnant water everywhere)

I really dont know if/when/will I go back to Malaysia.

But I know when I watch Lim Kit Siang's election ceramah on youtube, I can understand the mandarin, english and bm that he is saying. And when they talk about kampua mee or duit kopi I get all the slangs. And yes it doesn't mean that the opposition is perfect; but at least a healty democracy ensures the people can choose and that leaders are accountable to the people.

It's a flawed country, but I am still proud to be Malaysian.

Ho hum..

..humans forget so fast. or rather I do..

I remember the terror of exams especially in IMU; somehow exams in Australia are less nerve wercking. Where we fear failing sem 3/5. And pray desperately to God, "I just want to pass"

and now when I am working, I sometimes dread the irritating patients, pushy nurses, busy consultants.

of course, working also makes me realize I am no saint at all.
The impatience especially for patients who are not bothered to go to their GP for their cough but turn up in ED at 3am on a Sunday night.

..then I realize, I am privillaged to be where I am. Not because of my own smartness (of which I am not) but because of the grace of God that I am doing what I am doing..even if it means haggling with patients who refuse to be admitted that they need to be admitted while begging consultants to admit patients who do not need admission but who refuse to leave ED.

Blog reading

It used to be the craze 3-4 years ago, where everyone had and read a blog.
As the years (gasp..sounds so old) have passed by, more and more of the blogs among my friends (including mine) have gathered dust.

But, it is still fascinating for me to read some blogs; where sometimes you can't express or even conceptualize what you are thinking into words and then you chance upon a post by someone who makes you go "aha!" or "guess I am not crazy/alone/weird to think this way too"

And so even though I have less and less to say as I grow older and realize my ignorance, I do hope to still write something down now and again. To think, ponder and rant. To catch my thoughts before they drown in a flurry of daily life.

2 good weekends

How good it is to finally have 2 weekends off.....although I for see that I won't have any for the next few weeks.

Had the privilege to go to the nation wide christian medical and dental annual camp.
Did not have much expectations before I went; was totally flat out from a really bad day in ED and went 1 day late to the camp.

But the bad ED day was maybe God sent; having a great team/consultants previously made me place too much pride in my work. Being humbled in ED just the day before made me more receptive to God. Placing less trust in my work and realizing I do have to rely 100% on God.

While I did not have the typical post camp high, I am a little more at peace with the uncertainity of life. I don't know many things; I probably do not know anything at all. But not knowning doesn't mean that God is not near.

Indeed when you can't see His hand, that's when you have to learn to trust His heart....
it's something I am still working out in my life.

Once upon a time..

...I had a dream, a purpose and passion. I had a dream to be a good doctor, specialize overseas, marry a fellow malaysian and come back to make a difference in the lives of patients in Malaysia. I had a passion for the poor, for those who were rejected by society. I had purpose; I thought it would be really fulfilling to be a doctor and bring love/change in my practice of medicine.

Along the way I left the country. Experienced many things, learnt to be tough. Survived, graduated but...

...I am now a doctor practising in Sydney. Living a fairly comfortable life of privillaged internship. Going to church, then out for lunch, shoping, online, working, sleeping...all good things...

but...my dear friend asked me, how do you think you have changed in the 3 years you've been overseas...

I realized I am more independent but more cold,
less stressed but more uncaring.
surviving but not alive.

I can't see myself living in Australia forever, yet I don't know if or when to go back to Malaysia.
Uncertain, unsure, directionless.

I sound ungrateful, but I still believe there is more to life than this....

Here and there

Working in ED means I am working all weekends and have the weekdays off; of which I have exhausted all the malls to death and feel so bored in the midst of suburban mums and retired pensioners.

Last term was busy mainly because I was moving house (to a far far place called Riverwood at the dangerous wild wild west of Sydney), packing and cleaning the old place when I am not living in either houses but living in the further far far Campbelltown. All while trying to finish a poster that was printed 1 day before I flew of for the conference. (note to self; never do it again). And the house hunting, buying furniture and working weekends and having to go back to my former hospital to get the medical records for the poster on the weekends......

But apart from all the complaints, haha, work has been surprisingly alright; given that I am not gifted in cannulation/blood taking etc.
Plus driving is much much better now; I used to avoid driving at all cost because I was terrified as I never drove in Sydney but the long long drive to far far west hospitals have given me a bit more confidence.

And while all this has been going on, I realize how easy it is to forget about God himself. I was a bit more in tune at the start of the term mainly because I prayed that I will not get into a crash every time I drove or when I was overwhelmed in my surgical term etc etc haha. But increasingly I find myself nonchalant and realize indeed it's true how easy it is to slip into a working routine with God in the periphery. But anyway, that's all for now.




(the poster that I thought would never come to fruitation. wanted to give up even at the last week)

Whirlwind

A pause and reflection is long overdue!

Hopefully I get some free days during ED term to refocus