A retreat

This is my hospital temporary accomodation! It's nice and new. And I really thank God for the respite especially while adjusting to working life.

So far

...working life is not too bad.
Although I still am bad bad bad at cannulas etc, I survived 2 weeks already. And I survived a public holiday 15 hour shift and a Friday overtime.
It's all credit to God though; providing an awesome hospital accomodation that is even better than my own apartment. Otherwise the 1 hour drive to Campbelltown each way for a 7 am start would have killed me. And I am starting to love my car. Even though it's just a 5 minute drive from the hospital to home everyday, that 5 minutes in the car helps for me to depersonalize from work.

Another overtime on Monday and another 15 hour on Sunday.
I still hate cannulas because being the only one on the surgical wards means there will be at least 8-10 of them to do, but, God willing, it will be alright.

From a draw!

I've never been "lucky" in raffles, draws etc etc.
But today I won a book from a medical insurance draw!


Apparently it's a good book, but the thought of being on call next Friday doesn't appeal to me. But as I said, we international students nearly did not get a job this year. And Bankstown/Campbelltown is reputed to be a great network with supportive senior staff. So although it's daunting, I thank God that He is with me. And I truly pray that I will not complain so much about my job but learn to enjoy it! I really hope to develop great friendships as well with my collegues and be authentic in my life this year.

Malaysia my home

My church in Malaysia started it's 22 day prayer and fasting recently. People would come to church at 530 in the morning to pray and seek God. My church is not perfect; meetings with friends and fellow christians do reveal the ups and downs of being in a big church. I must confess that I too was a little jaded and cautious with church in Malaysia after hearing some stories. But that very weekend, the senior pastor who always stands by the door to greet members called me by name and said "welcome back." It was surprising because this is in a church of 2000+ plus that I have not been back for a year nor am close to him. I was humbled by my own judgement and began to catch the heartbeat of the church again. True, my church and its leaders are not perfect but no one is, especially me. What truly counts is the heart for God and for people.

It just seems so timely that when our church is having this fast that events around Malaysia are happening. We prayed at the end of 2009 for the court rulling over this issue. I am sure the church is praying again as new challenges arise. Even in the few weeks that I was back, the sermons revolved around changing our nation through our love, prayer and our lives. Our pastor even spoke strongly against migrating; that we are made Malaysian for a purpose and destiny. That if we do not believe in our country nor stand in the gap, who will?

I do love my country but I don't know how will God direct me. I signed a 2 year contract here and bought a car. I don't mind working for a lower pay back home but I am afraid that my spiritual life will die under 36 hour calls. Yet I realize that I still haven't captured the heart of God for Sydney. Sydney is comfortable and nice, but my spiritual life was pretty stagnant here. (it's not the fault of the place but rather my laziness and lack of accountability or vision?). Does it mean that I will only date a Malaysian with the view to go back? (Because I know haha, no non Malaysian would want to stay in Malaysia).

I don't have any answers. I dare not make empty promises or utter broken vows.

But for now, I know, even though I am not there in Malaysia, at church at 530, I will be here in Sydney, praying. Praying for my birthplace. Praying that the fire and the closeness to God that I rekindled in Malaysia will not die in the comforts and hustle and bustle of Sydney. And praying too that I will be his instrument in Sydney; to live in the present and grow in God here.

Contentment

It's been a long time since I've felt contented and rested. I would not even mind if time would just stand still.

But it's back to reality and to Sydney!
I really hope that this year will be different; that my walk with God no longer needs to rest on the past experiences in Malaysia but indeed be built on the present.

A trip up north

It was an impulsive trip, borne out of the realization that I will not get the chance to travel much next year and closed doors elsewhere. I must confess I did not pray much but just wrote to the missionary family I knew from DUMC.
One month later I was in Chiang Mai; not knowing what to expect without any agendas in mind.

The day market

The Living Waters Center that provides accommodation for cancer patients seeking treatment from rural Thailand in Chiang Mai. The center also has a T shirt painting scheme for young girls with the intention of training them up to be self supporting.

It's really a privilege to stay with locals there because they know where to eat and shop. Pictured is fried morning glory flowers with thai sauce.

The night gardens. It was winter in Chiang Mai when I went.

The day market and the food.

All in all the food was good, the shopping was alright but what I treasured the most was the opportunity to hear and share with them. It's been a long time since anyone has dared to speak truth into my life; confronting and challenging me in a godly way. It was also eye opening; both scary and encouraging to hear about real mission life with its' ups and downs.

I dare say that this holiday though only a few days long is a turning point for me. Although yes I still don't know how life will turn out (but who does) I am not worried. Indeed, I love this verse from Proverbs 31...

²⁵ She is clothed with strength and dignity;
she can laugh at the days to come.

Looking forward to 2010!

A different atmosphere

Walking in the humid heat with the whizz of motorcycles past IMU brings back waves of nostalgia.
I can't believe it has been six years since I started in medical school; getting a huge culture shock with orientation, staying in an isolated place called Vista Komanwel. It's almost ironic that I am now back in Vista again but oh how I have come to love this place.

Having no car means we take public transport everywhere. Taking the bus means sharing the journey with people of all ages and races; the elderly back from their shopping in the wet market, the young school children, the labourers from different countries. All enduring the long waits for the unreliable bus schedules. Doing what they do brings me back to touch with my less well off fellow countrymen. It stirs back the long dried up passion for the disenfranchised. Reminds me of my relative wealth where my one airticket can feed a family of six for a month.

Back home, flipping through my church magazine sends a slight jolt to the system. DUMC is celebrating it's 30th! It certainly doesn't feel like 5 years since the big celebration for its 25th anniversary. And we weren't even in the new building then, and I must confess the dream centre still doesn't quite feel the same as the old converted cinema. But what warms me is the work that's been going on. Somehow in the country without Centrelink and welfare, every little effort counts for so much more. That the church is not just a suburban gathering of routine religiosity but where there's free tuition for the local children, where there is a center for the disabled, where church members go to the refugee camps. I am sure there are similar events in Sydney plus the fact I am totally biased but I feel so much more alive spiritually here.

Even the mood to blog has returned haha because maybe I notice more at home.
It almost begets the question "what am I doing working in Sydney" then...
I honestly don't know. Most times it feels like I am just going with the flow of the logical next step. Maybe I have regressed so much in my walk too that I am no longer sensitive to His voice...

But for now, I am home.

I don't know where I am going but...

(Verse 1)
All that I am, all that I have
I lay them down before you, oh Lord
All my regrets, all my acclaims
The joy and the pain, I'm making them yours

(Verse 2)
Things in the past, things yet unseen
Wishes and dreams that are yet to come true
All of my heart, alll of my praise
My heart and my hands are lifted to you

(Chorus)
Lord, I offer my life to you
Everything I've been through
Use it for your glory
Lord I offer my days to you
Lifting my praise to you
As a pleasing sacrifice
Lord I offer you my life

(Bridge)
What can we give
That you have not given?
And what do we have
That is not already yours?
All we possess
Are these lives we're living
That's what we give to you, Lord

Bits and pieces

It's been a long time since the last update...
But first things first, there's been a revolution in blogging at EMO blog . So much wisdom and observations from the Kelantan tree staying junior. Haha! :)

And it's been great to not have exams! No more studying at night (not that I studied every night but just the fact that I don't need to feel guilty when I don't study at night)

The yearly appearance of my favourite tree/flower
Cakes from Adriano Zumbo

Skivving of hospital to Bondi for Scuplture by the Sea! haha

Seafood platter!

And we went for a roadtrip to Port Stephens and Hunter Valley...
Pretending to be cool shot

A role reversal
Sand dunes next to the beach...where we sand boarded...was initially scared to sand board down because of the height

And maybe it's not the best book to quote from but maybe there's some truth to it.....

"Our fight was not the violent, howling, barking fight that keeps alive vestiges of love but that tired, distant silent fight where the fighters are afraid to punch for the fear the punch will kill" The House of God (The recommended "must read" book among the UNSW med students) by Samuel Shem.

After 6 years...

It's over! :)

And just some pictures over the year from various IMU birthday dinners

To look in

Exams are finally over..barring resits and the like.

While the outings, eats and shows are great, it's been a time to take stock of the inner heart.
And I admit, it's so far away, so lukewarm.
Where is the passion, where is the vision?

I don't even care that I don't care anymore.



A few years ago, I was so broken because of circumstances.
Today, I am less naive but more cynical.
Tougher but cold hearted.
Happy-ish but joyful?

Anguished?
For the heart of God?

There must me more than this...

I've been disappointed to many times to hope anymore...
...but there must me more to life than this life I am living now

Euthymic with a touch of dysthymia

Anyway since I am euthymic with a touch of dysthymia in addition to a concentration of zero, I am doing random things. Like baking even though I don't really want to eat, eating even though I am not really hungry, bugging my sister on the phone and watching DVDs while having the book open.

Which makes it a delight to find Doc Martin DVDs in the library. I won't say it's the most exciting TV show compared to CSI, House etc but it's great for a touch of dry humour and mayb reflects my own anti-social personality. And with a touch of medically related information that who knows....might be somehow useful in the exams (or so I tell myself)




I am bored!

And another thing...

The up coming exams are driving me a little mad.
It feels unsettling to be going out, yet it feels restrictive and nausating to be staying home all day. So I often feel unsettled when I am out, vowing to stay in the next day, only to feel terribly unproductive and bored!

In such times I just wish I am a little more extroverted, because my introvertness means I stop talking even more esp in hospitals, with friends. Conversation on my part is always a conscious effort and in times of stress, the real natural self takes over.

More permanacy (or just an excuse to spend money)

I did not have a weighing scale for baking before this. While it did cross my mind to buy one, I always hesistated because at the back of my head was the thought that I did not know if I'll move or stay in Australia. So all this while, I survived by finding receipes that use gave the quantity in cups instead of weight. Sometimes that meant trawlling the web for suitable ones, especially because many cake receipes are in grams etc. And with the butter, I often bought 1 block (250g), and fractionated it to roughly guess the weight. Perhaps that's why my baked goods were never super, haha (just an excuse)

So with the results that I will go to Bankstown Hospital next year (provided I do not fail my exams), I set out to finally buy a weighing scale and a proper muffin tray.


This supposed to be an egg tart, not terribly successful. Haha

Windows..

From Victor's facebook which was taken from this website http://www.fiona.my/2007/12/chinese-their-houses-have-no-windows.html

---
THE CHINESE, THEIR HOUSES HAVE NO WINDOWS

I looked out the window.
And I saw

Thousands and thousands of Malays in the Bersih Rally. They were fighting their own kind for a cause they believed in. And they risk being ostracized by their Muslim brothers. And they risk much.

I looked out the window.
And I saw

Thousands and thousands of Indians holding the picture of Gandhi in the streets. All were teargassed and many beaten with batons. At Batu Caves, they were locked in, pumped with tear gas and sprayed with chemical water. 80 are awaiting trial. 31 are charged for attempted murder of a policeman that attacked them. All their leaders are under ISA. The one that got away fled the country.

I looked out the window.
And I saw

Thousands and thousands of Chinese closing their doors. Minding their own business. Watching the soap operas. Playing mahjong. Going to the gym. Planning for holidays. Eating bah kuet teh. Enrolling their children in private schools. Going for line dancing. Changing to a bigger car. Perming their hair brown. Going to the movies. Shopping.

The Chinese. They don't look out the window.
Their houses.
Have no windows.

______________________

It is because of 3 generations of 'keeping quiet' that we are in a political quagmire of sorts today.

My story may not be the same for others, but it is no doubt a story of 3 generations of political oblivion -a saga of unremitting circumstances that has 'trained' us to look the other way - to economic wealth, education and religion. Politics because a 'dirty word' in our home; as a Chinese we should disengage ourselves completely from this 'unproductive' activity.

This is my story.

My grandfather took a ship to join the gold rush in San Francisco around the turn of the last century. Halfway on a Chinese junk, he got sea-sick, so he jumped ship at Singapore. Traveling up the hinterland, he focused on survival. Hungry from famine in Southern China, he vowed never to be hungry again. Politics was the last thing on his mind. Keeping his belly filled was his only priority. It was an obsession that dictated everything he did.

My father worked for the British. One day, forced by the Japanese to do 'national service', he was selected to look after food supplies. The family was starving during the war, so he stole rice under his care and hid them in sweet potatoes when he cooked rice. Our neighbors always thought we were eating sweet potatoes we grew on the fringes of the jungle, when in actual fact, we always had rice.

My grandmother sews clothes for the women day and night to survive and got paid in Japanese currency. When the war was over, these Japanese notes - which were unnumbered - became valueless. The family again struggled to bring food on the table. It was a litany of hunger and fear in our house.

When it came to my generation, my father thought education was the passport to economic freedom for us. He refused for us to be a contractor like him and forced us to study. In university, he forbade me to get involved in politics. He went as far as to refuse for me to study law so that I would not get involved in politics. I was forced to study a course I did not like because he wanted me to be a banker.

Needless to say, I made the same mistake when it came to my children. I told them also the 'passport to heaven' was also to study. But I refused to dictate what they should study but instead asked them to study what they liked. I ensured they got the best education. I also reminded everyone that they do not talk about politics on the dinner table.

My story is not uncommon; such is the struggle and saga common to thousands of Malaysian homes.

We are cajoled by our parents to look at bread-and butter issues. We are told that politics are not for us. We are told that our 'houses have no windows', so mind your own business and close the door. We are told that if this country is not good enough, you must get a good education and emigrate.

The Chinese? We are told this is not our home. We have no home. We are the Jews of the East. When trouble starts, we ought to look the other way. If it gets worse, we emigrate. Money talks. So long we have money, some country will take us.

100 years of ignorance. Is it blissful? No. It is tragic.

Still proud to be from IMU

I think this is old but I just chanced upon it recently and it's hilarious!
I am still proud to be from IMU


I am glad though my sisters are not doing medicine. So much drama with the NSW internship applications, that we might not even know if we get a job till Jan 2010 (because some local students accept multiple offers from different states and simply don't turn up at the different hospitals at day 1). And of course, the exams...
But oh well..life goes on

Job..less

So all international students were cut out of the 1st round offer in NSW which makes me officially jobless...until the 2nd round offer (which might mean an unpopular far hospital, interstate or no job?).

But I guess this is time to put what I always mumble should be preached...that we don't just praise God in good times, but especially more in bad times. That my praise is just not dependent on what He does for me, but who He is.

We shall see at round two!

Que Sarah, Sarah

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11

An unsmart nerd

I've never been a super medical student, just a normal average one.
And studying medicine can be frustrating at times; so much knowledge to digest.
Someone once described medical school as trying to drink from a hydrant; so much water pouring out that it drowns you.

What I realized recently though is that I am an unsmart nerd.
I have the lifestyle of a nerd; no parties or super happening social life.
Yet I am not smart like a nerd!

So neither am I nerdy and smart=at least I am smart
nor am I average but socially busy=at least there's a social life
unsmart nerd! haha

Anyway it's just a rant because I feel quite inadequate with exams coming up. Not to mention frustrated by the portfolio examination (a written essay with a interview viva on how I've matured as medical student..which sounds fine, but yet they want "proof of evidence" in the form of various extra assignments on ethics, reflective practicioner etc etc etc etc....)