Again...

I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know.

You know.
Lord, let that be enough.

A close call

You just never appreciate the things in your life until it goes missing!
Just yesterday I nearly had a mini heart attack when I could not find my planner. It was 12 something at night and I was mentally going through all the problems I would face if it was gone forever. It had my work numbers, my contacts, most importantly 2 log books with hard to get consultant signatures (with marks for each signature) that stretch back from the beginning of this year! And of which I need to qualify to sit for my end of year exam and current exam!

I even resorted to calling the hospital at 1 am in the morning to speak to security just in case someone found it and brought it in. While it could have been misplaced anywhere from the bus to the street, I had a feeling it was possibly lying in ED where I had made phone calls for the registrar. Dramamama also gave good advice and so after prayer and by faith I went to sleep.

Woke up at the crack of dawn today to go to ED and thankfully, it was still there lying beside the telephone. While it was not life and death; it still reminds me that I can go to God even with little hysterical prayers.

On a lighter note

Check out no4!


And from our bank of questions and answers:

198. Imagine you have a narcissistic personality disorder. How would you live your life and relate to other people?

To think that anyone could imagine how a narcissitic person would live their life is ridiculous. I could come up with a million better exam questions than that! Now, personally, I am able to imagine this senario because I happen to have an extremely creative mind. The right side of my brain (that which is involved with creative processes, since you probably didn’t know) is probably more active than most people’s, that is, of course, not to say that my left-brain is inadequate by any means! I actually think I should be exempt from doing this ridiculous exam because I have contributed so much to psychiatry this term. I’m actually pretty bored with it now; I’ve learned everything I need to, and done everything I can. I’m sure I’ve already passed the term anyway, all my registrars have told me how proficient I am at doing a psychiatric interview. I’ll go and get them to tell me again after this though. There are a couple of people who seemed to be liked as well, like that girl Nikki, who climbs mountains while she studies medicine. I can’t stand that! She doesn’t really climb them, she just goes away to Nepal and studies for 5 weeks so she can take the attention away from the really naturally smart people like me. I was friends with her at the beginning of the year, but once I got her notes I didn’t really need to be anymore. I’m now working on Ingvild and Bec, I think they have pretty good notes as well. Now that I’ve wasted so much of my precious time on this question I’m going to be late for my client. You see, I’ve already started to recruit patients, seeing as I’m already so very capable at psychiatry.

---haha!

Because it's Olympics...

Was just reading something from Readers Digest:

During a race in the one man Fin Class sailing competition, Larry Lemieux of Canada was running in second place and was well on his way to a medal ceremony. Suddenly, the sailor spotted Joseph Chan of Singapore, who was competing in a different race, flailing in turbulent water well away from his capsized boat. Chan had been thrown from his small craft and was in danger of drowning in the rough seas.

Lemieux immediately veered off course, sacrificing his chance of winning a medal and ferried Chan back to his overturned boat. Chan and his team mate were then picked up by a rescue boat. Officially, Lemieux finished 11th place in the event but International Olympic Committee President Juan Antonio Samaranch later recognised his act by awarding him the Pierre de Coubertin medal for sportsmanship.

...........................................................................................................

At the most recent Winter Olympiad, Canadian Sarah Renner was leading her team in the gruelling cross country team sprint ski race when her left ski pole snapped. She pushed on, but it seemed hopeless. On an uphill slope, several skiers passed her.

Then something truly extraordinary happened. An unknown man stepped forward from the side of the course and handed Renner another ski pole. She immediately got back in the race and with a mighty effort, managed to make up some of the lost time. In the end, it was enough to capture the silver medal for Canada.

It was not until after the race that Renner learnt the identity of her benefactor. He turned out to be Bjoernar Haakensmoen, the coach of the Norwegian team who finished fourth. Haakensmoen immediately became a hero in Canada. One Montreal newspaper ran a one-word banner headline simply proclaiming, TAKK the Norwegian word for thank you.

Haakensmoen didn't understand all the attention. "The Olympic spirit is the way we try to follow. If you win but don't help somebody when you should have, what win is that?"

(Rd, Aug 2008)
----------------------------------------------------------

I guess these two stories have got me thinking of my own selfishness. All of us know that these people train very hard and a medal is a big thing. If I were in those situations what would I do? Even now, in the mundane hospital life I must admit, the "kiasu" spirit prevails where there is a slight tinge of jealousy if another student describes what they got to do or assist or when they saw an interesting patient you missed. Or when I am unwilling to give up some extra sleep or what not to avoid inconveniences. I guess it is sobering to realize, the reality of my selfishness and hopefully repent.

Identity

A few weeks ago, my aunt kindly brought me to watch a play. It was about the Battle of Gallipoli the first war that Australia had participated in as part of the Allied forces.

For starters, I never knew that ANZAC stood for Australian and New Zealand Army Corps. I stay near Anzac Parade, love the Anzac holiday day off and eat Anzac cookies yet didn't know the acronym. Haha.

Anyway, it was very much an Australian patriotic production showing the lives of the young Australians in the battle. I must confess to being a noob, I've sort of heard about the charge of the light calvary (the poem) and WW1 but not much beyond that. It is different to see things from an Australian perspective and for most in attendance like my cousin, they have grown up learning about this in history lessons. Where as I've been learning about Parameswara and the magical deer in the forest..haha.

The thick Australian spirit got me thinking however. If I were to actually stay on in this country, how much of it do I know? More so, how much of Australia do I love and would actually take ownership of especially in the context of a Christian.

How odd is it sometimes to be a 2nd generation Malaysian Chinese living/studying in Australia.
To the Chinese, I am not Chinese enough because I am quintessentially a "banana" yellow on the outside but white on the inside and can't read or write Chinese.
To the Western world, I am pretty Asian in my values, introvertness and even sense of humor.
In Malaysia, I am not Malay yet it is my birthplace and where I grew up. A place where we are not always wanted, sometimes 2nd class citizens but yet at the same time free enough to live in peace.
A person who looks Chinese but who speaks Bahasa Malaysia better than Chinese and thinks in English.

Don't know if you've noticed but we Malaysian Chinese always state our race and nationality as separate, so unlike the Indonesians and Fillipino Chinese who often just state their nationality.

Amy Tan writes about being a 1st generation American Chinese.
Someone should write something about being a double immigrant; a Malaysian Chinese migrating to the western world.

In recent weeks..

...Christmas in July with family in the Blue Mountains.
The chair is classic..and I love creative shops!

Closing night of Hillsong conference
...size vs depth? suited for the masses or alienate but the theological? save "many" or stick to the pure "few"? head knowledge that is not applied? or emotions that are unchecked?
...but for what it's worth, at least some are living what they sing.

...coffee festival


... a road trip with a few friends


On another note, I've not been able to express in words what I am "feeling"
Disillusioned seems to strong a word, "sien" is too flat an expression.

But this hits it right on...

"Within the kaledioscope of my distorted childhood memories is the image of a dusty, deserted road in rural Canada. As I recall it, there were no signs indicating direction or distance to go....
The hour was late and my family and I had been travelling that road for an entire day. We were lost, tired and not a little irritable with one another...

Why not turn back? We had simply traveled too far to do so. Besides, the road had to go somewhere. But where?

The trip had begun with such excitement, an adventuresome spirit about going new places. But now all the zeal had dissipated. I guess we began to wonder why we'd ever left home.

I have often recalled the feelings and frustration of that late-night, dark-road experience whenever my life seemed to be momentarily turn into a mindless or spiritless journey crammed with events (not experiences) and contacts (not relationships)."

Gordon MacDonald, Renewing Your Spiritual Passion.

A day at a time

...."and we will cross that bridge when we get to it," as my consultant psychiatrist always says to his patients.


Indeed.
I cannot look beyond today.

In Australia...

There are lots of beaches...


Lots of wildlife....




And a new species recently discovered!
Postulated to have migrated from the southern island off the coast of Johor.
Natural habitat: Rainforest, temperate region
Eats: Rice and sometimes chilli crabs
BMI: less than 20
Extremely endangered and aggressive animal-do not feed or approach if spotted
May bite!
Looking for female equivalent


Disclaimer: The events depicted in this blog post are fictitious. Any similarity to any person living or dead is merely coincidental.

Haha

During holidays

Be careful what you wish for

It was late 2005, in sem 4 when my family and I visited family in Sydney. Staying in my aunt's place in Randwick, I suddenly had the idea to visit UNSW's campus because I thought it would be great to bring my sisters and see a real uni (as opposed to our "beloved" converted shopping centre IMU).

Since UNSW's library alone is bigger than the whole IMU, it had the library lawn etc etc that we all picture when we think of an overseas uni. And because Sydney Children's Hospital was just next door, I suggested that we pop by and have a look. Bear in mind, at this point, UNSW was not even in my universities transfer list and I was pretty set since entering IMU to go on to UK (since I decided not to take up a 1st yr offer in UNSW med).

I remember that we went and took pictures of the Fairy Garden and a grand rounds was just finishing in the lecture theater. Just casually I thought wow this is a nice place. I would love to be working here. I never ever thought I would actually end up living in Sydney of all places. My university did not even twin with UNSW!

Now, 2+++yrs onwards, I still sometimes struggle to find the reason God has brought me to Sydney. In some ways, I would have maybe gone crazy if I actually went to the UK and had classes while my mum had the diagnosis of cancer. Not having the 6 months holiday of staying with her in KL. And in many ways, having family here has been heaps helpful as well.

Yet, dashed dreams as well, and seriously unsure even about what God actually wants of my life. If I had ended up in UK, it was almost 100% sure I would have gone back to Malaysia after postgrad years. It's less clear in Australia where there's family here as well, and plus how He has stirred me here. And even more surprising the twists and turns. The selfish me pre med school would never want to go back to Malaysia and then He changed me to die to self after a long protracted struggle (UK and back home, some more for me to share it with others, ah!) and then suddenly change again. How can He do this to me! Haha :)

Now I cannot even say where I will end up...who knows I might even go back after graduation? Or go to another country? I don't know.

Anyway, I just find it ironic that I am back at Sydney Children's Hospital.
Indeed, be careful what you wish or even utter, God hears everything!

Playing truant

My favourite 2nd hand bookstore where you can get a coffee and read

Rows of books and a latte (btw, can anyone enlighten me on the difference between a flat white and a latte?)

I think this song speaks for itself.

Many are the words we speak
Many are the songs we sing
Many kinds of offerings
But now to live the life

Many are the words we speak
Many are the songs we sing
Many kinds of offerings
But now to live the life

Help us live the life
Help us live the life
All we want to do is bring you something real
Bring You something true

(We hope that) Precious are the words we speak
(We pray that) Precious are the songs we sing
Precious all these offerings
But now to live the life

Help us live the life
Help us live the life
All we want to do is bring you something real
Bring You something true

Help us live the life
Help us live the life
All we want to do is bring you something real
Bring You something true

Now to go the extra mile
Now to turn the other cheek
And to serve You with a life
Let us share your fellowship
Even of your sufferings
Never let the passion die...
Now to live the life...
Now to live the life
Now to live the life
Now to live the life

24

That day we met at her parents' house, Rolake and I sat outside watching the bustle in the streets, snacking on fried plantain chips she bought from a passing child vendor. I asked her if she ever felt it was unfair, her infection, and the way that HIV had hijacked her life, thrusting her into this role of activism. She shook her head vehemently.....

...."At this point, HIV is just one of the five hundred things going on in my life."
"Being lonely is bigger than HIV in my life. I'm not alone-I live at home with my parents, I have friends-but it's incredibly lonely. Because the things I want to do, the things I really want to say, there's nobody to say them to. What you call beautiful nonsense, you know-I have nobody to do that with and that's incredibly lonely."


A personal book of 28 stories of people with HIV in Africa.
I must confess that the names of countries do blur into one, even some stories may almost be stereotypical of what we expect of a continent associated with poverty. Yet, stories that remind again and again, this is a broken world where there is so much need for justice and compassion. Grace and mercy.

Always his

Random goodness

You don't need to rinse fish, chicken, pork, or any other meat before cooking. Not only does it not get rid of bacteria, it spreads bacteria (if water splashes from the sink in the process of rinsing). What kills bacteria much more effectively is cooking.

So why do so many cooks rinse their fish and chickens? Because their mothers used to ;)

Here is a quote from Cook's Illustrated on the subject:
Not only is there no scientific evidence to support your mother's practice, science is actually against you on this one. The U.S. Department of Agriculture, as well as food agencies in the United Kingdom and elsewhere, advises against washing poultry. Rinsing chicken will not remove or kill much bacteria, and the splashing of water around the sink can spread the bacteria found in raw chicken. (Cooking poultry to 165 degrees Fahrenheit effectively destroys the most common culprits behind food-borne illness.)

From: http://beyondsalmon.blogspot.com/2006/02/to-rinse-or-not-to-rinse-that-is.html

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Even after reading this, I still cannot not rinse my chicken or meat or fish..
And even though people have told me not to rinse prawns when you cook/buy them because it will wash away the sweetness, psychologically I still cannot do it!

And I am sure 99% of us wash our chickens etc before cooking!

I guess the same logic applies to wiping cutlery with pink tissue paper at restaurants/coffee shops before using them. It doesn't take the bacteria or even dust away...

But of course, dunking them in hot water...that's another story

Another view

So yea, I can be quite a random person at times.
Random statements, random jokes on my sisters like logging on into Sab's facebook and posting random pictures for fun. ;)

One afternoon 2 weeks ago, I finished hospital early and was waiting for the free COFA (College of Fine Arts) bus back to uni/home. Having 30minutes or so to spare, I decided that I should have a look at the gallery since I never have the luxury of soaking up the artsy air even though I've been at Vinnies for 1year plus (as I am always running to catch the bus back).

Being the jakun (uncultured) Labuanite who stays in trees, I honestly thought the pictures were "fugly." I have never been a fan of modern art, and no matter how cultured and artsy I tried to convince myself to be, I just felt the pictures were kindergarden scrawls!

Of course, being jakun as well, I didn't bother to pick up the picture guide and it was only when I finished and walked out, I read the synopsis of the exhibition. It was actually a collection of pictures drawn by autistic children.

And everything shifted after that. The pictures became more than just fugly scribblings but testaments of the children's efforts. No longer judging merely from a stereotypical view of prettiness but triumphant beauty.

I like to imagine that's how God views our lives. The tangles and blotches on our canvas.
Perhaps not necessarily pretty in the world's standards
but...hopefully beautiful in God's.

The things we learn in med school

As told during our lecture today:

Five doctors went duck hunting one day. Included in the group were a general practitioner, a pediatrician, a psychiatrist, a surgeon and a pathologist. After a time, a bird came winging overhead. The first to react was the general practitioner who raised his shotgun, but then hesitated.

"I'm not quite sure it's a duck," he said, "I think that I will have to get a second opinion." And of course by that time, the bird was long gone.

Another bird appeared in the sky soon thereafter. This time, the pediatrician drew a bead on it. He too, however, was unsure if it was really a duck in his sights and besides, it might have babies. "I'll have to do some more investigations," he muttered, as the creature made good its escape.

Next to spy a bird flying was the sharp-eyed psychiatrist. Shotgun shouldered, he was more certain of his intended prey's identity. "Now, I know it's a duck, but does it know it's a duck?" The fortunate bird disappeared while the fellow wrestled with this dilemma.

Finally, a fourth fowl sped past and this time the surgeon's weapon pointed skywards and he fired without hesitation. BOOM!! The surgeon lowered his smoking gun and turned nonchalantly to the pathologist beside him: "Go see if that was a duck, will you?"

A dash of perspective..

I have been dreading the 7 o'clock starts with surgery recently.
And a little frazzled in Cardiothoracic surgery where everything is high powered (I am so afraid of knocking over the harvested veins when scrubbed in) and everyone is highly strung. (Which is why our residents work 7am to 8pm every night for 6 days and then get the whole week off and alternate)

But I am reminded that I am actually in a very blessed place.
My hospital is state of the art and simply beautiful.
I have quite a cushy job as a RA and get paid to attend MDT meetings (of which I would have attend anyway as a student).
And I am reminded of the pre U days where I was looking forward and dying to get into med (and now dreading and complaining about things!)

So yea, life is good :)

And she shall be called woman..

with a mixture of events last week, it does feel sometimes almost cursed to be a woman. (To be theologically correct, we are indeed cursed as mentioned in Genesis; just in a different way for men and a different way for women)

there are times where I am convinced that life would be easier to be born a man.
Easier to go for mission trips (and yet more girls always go than guys)
Easier to do "dangerous" things
Easier to lead at church

where as a woman, depth can be a liability and where there is some truth to this phrase "The average girl would rather have beauty than brains, because she knows the average man can see much better than he can think"
where we are created with emotions and an innate sense of fostering relationships (not merely the bgr kind) yet those are the most unpredictable of the lot
and plus in today's age, at the same time we have to be equal if not better than men in our careers and achievement esp in medicine.

And there is a tug, where we are created to cry and yet in the wake of passive manhood we have no choice but to be independent. Which then becomes a liability because men want to be needed.
What a paradox!
And because we are women, we feel so much deeper and with a deeper love hand in hand comes a deeper hurt.

Which is why I cried today at church service where Mothers Day was celebrated. Where the sermon was simple but a testimony of mothers.
For the women and their pain.
I cried for you, who lost his mother 10 years ago. I remember you even here.
For mothers who have to shoulder a greater responsibility most of the time to make families work.
For the women who are left holding their children when fathers walk away.
For women who are often most affected by wars men plan.

(credits:www.postsecret.blogspot.com)

And yet, also reminded beautifully again...
although we feel so much deeper and with a deeper love comes a deeper hurt.
but with a deeper hurt, births also a deeper love.

The sinful woman who was forgiven by Jesus lavished perfumed oil to wash his feet.
It was the women who stayed while Jesus was hung on the cross.
The godly mothers who were instrumental in teaching their children to love God.
Women also outnumber men in the global church.

I don't mean this to be a guy bashing post. :)
Certainly guys have the work cut out for them as well.

I guess, it is just a reminder to us girls, yes womanhood is full of emotions and we carry the weight of many things, but I believe and pray in God, He will redeem our womanhood even as we try to juggle so many challenges.

Happy Mothers Day.

Snapshots

(Beautiful conference site)

Went for IMPACT, a CMDFA (Christian Medical and Dental Fellowship of Australia) annual camp where doctors and med/dental students came from all over Australia to Sydney.


New faces, old friends (like Yoda!) and although nothing "earth-shattering" new, great reminders of what God is doing and generously allows us to partner Him. Themes of mercy, justice, compassion echoed again clear. A refreshing acceptance of Christians with different ways of worship; John Dickson (Sydney Anglican) giving the main address yet also "free worship" at night and "Brethren style" open floor for people to pray and share.


And I went canoeing in this lake!


Anyway,
Over the past 2 years I've began to be more selective in my reading, greatly preferring older or those with a life-story to tell. Looking back at my walk, my perceptions and responses have been sharply redefined by "suffering." I find myself drawn to those who have endured rather than the next big thing on the Christian scene. There is something refining about the fire and something genuine after the pruning.

And so, this is something I find true....

"I think it is important to see the present calamity in a true perspective. The war creates no absolutely new situations; it simply aggravates the permanent human situation so that we can no longer ignore it. Human life has always been lived on the edge of a precipice...We are mistaken when we compare war to "normal life." Life has never been normal....

War makes death real to us: and that would have been regarded as one of its blessings by most of the great Christians in the past. They thought it good for us to be always aware of our mortality. I am inclined to think they were right. All the animal life in us, all schemes of happiness that centred in this world, were always doomed to a final destruction. In ordinary times only a wise man can realise it. Now the stupidest of us knows. We see unmistakably the sort of universe in which we have all along be living, and must come to terms with it. If we had foolish un-Christian hopes about human culture, they are now shattered. If we thought we were building up a heaven on earth, if we looked for something that would turn the present world from a place of pilgrimage into a permanent city satisfying the soul of man, we are disillusioned, and not a moment to soon.

CS Lewis "Learning in wartime" 1939.

And indeed it is true, for now even me, the stupidest of us, knows.
Thus now I am not disillusioned, but rather was disillusioned before.