Paradigm shift

........someone with that kind of outlook—not someone who wants a perfect life, but someone who wants to love perfectly—is amazing."



It's just another article chanced upon, but the ending phrase really jumped out at me. Really, I want to capture this spirit. A real paradigm shift from my selfish perspective of life.


Life after all is never perfect, but His perfect love overcomes all fear.




Other things I've been reading:
1) http://fightingbreastcancer.blogspot.com/
Quote "I just wanted everyone to have a chance to see the video clip...it's awesome and very touching. I bawled like a baby through the entire thing...because it truly hit home. Follow the link: www.thesurvivormovie.com"

2) http://sunnyside2day.blogspot.com/2005/10/from-my-daughters-point-of-view.html
Quote "And I'm not asking for a pity party, or attempting to use a crutch, I just want a hand to hold on if I need it. To these people, I just want to grab them and scream at them to realize just how fragile this all is, everything you have, everything you do, and everything you are. But right now, my energy and time is devoted to someone else...and I just can't. So I just take a step away."

Yea, I knew I hit that same really low point 2 weeks ago where I just couldn't control my emotions and snapped at some people when they merely asked questions (I'm really sorry!). Where I couldn't answer to the question "How's your mum?" or "What's your mum doing in KL" or "So have you resigned from your job?" without crying/snapping.
It sounds like a lame excuse that I couldn't control my emotions but honestly, I was shocked at myself for not being able to hold back; imagine crying in front of friends all of a sudden. So memalukan okay? Haha.

But I'm better now (haha yea can ask me questions now) and it's really reassuring to know I'm not the only daughter that feels that way and I'm still sane. :)

Paragraphs

at the moments where sleep eludes and the night's silence envelopes the room, the ears strain just to hear the rhythemic sounds of breathing............so afraid the soft breaths would stop.

when the tears brim the eyes as she watches the taxi leave, you suddenly realize your parents are just not parents; you no longer define them just as Mum and Dad.....but two human beings who love each other, who misses each other.

when her eyes crinkle in a smile, and she radiates so much joy, until it seems like she's the most unaffected member of the family, you think "I can't lose her."

when you have four guys at the back of the car, and loads of books+stuff on their legs; when strangers you just met share their disappointments and thanksgivings; when someone is willing to brave the rain to carry the junk you have.....you know not even a second was wasted in the precious cell group.

when you have friends who hear you bring up the same topic, again and again, and again, and again, and again...

yet still listen,

you know you have great friends.

in the silence,

let it be the voice of God that speaks.

when you've read too many political/medical/legal thrillers that you can guess the ending,

sigh, haha, it's time to touch the medical books once again!

:)

Change

God,

Yes I'm unhappy. And no matter what the rational is, the explanations, the advice, the efforts.... I realize this situation cannot be changed. I can't escape it.

So Lord,
As much I as I hate to say this
Please change me.
Change me to accept Your will.
No, on hindsight, not just to accept, but to REJOICE in Your will. To delight in it.
Even if the situation doesn't change. Even if I don't know what Your will is. Even when everything is happening at the wrong time.



My dear friends, just pray that God's will be done at His time. And loads of grace+sane mind for me! :)
(Wow, I've finallly been able to use :) haha, after so long time)

Yes, no matter what the outcome is, it will be okay. :)

Truly....somehow

:)

oh yea, i'm not a sadistic psycho...all this is about another issue not related to the cancer.

I've failed

I've complained and sobbed.
Struggled in the mental wrestling match; trying to hit the shadows.

I am ashamed to say that when the test came, I failed.


Abraham Tested Genesis 22

1 Some time later God tested Abraham. He said to him, "Abraham!" "Here I am," he replied.
2 Then God said, "Take your son, your only son, Isaac, whom you love, and go to the region of Moriah. Sacrifice him there as a burnt offering on one of the mountains I will tell you about."
3 Early the next morning Abraham got up and saddled his donkey. He took with him two of his servants and his son Isaac. When he had cut enough wood for the burnt offering, he set out for the place God had told him about.
4 On the third day Abraham looked up and saw the place in the distance.
5 He said to his servants, "Stay here with the donkey while I and the boy go over there. We will worship and then we will come back to you."
6 Abraham took the wood for the burnt offering and placed it on his son Isaac, and he himself carried the fire and the knife. As the two of them went on together,
7 Isaac spoke up and said to his father Abraham, "Father?" "Yes, my son?" Abraham replied. "The fire and wood are here," Isaac said, "but where is the lamb for the burnt offering?"
8 Abraham answered, "God himself will provide the lamb for the burnt offering, my son." And the two of them went on together.
9 When they reached the place God had told him about, Abraham built an altar there and arranged the wood on it. He bound his son Isaac and laid him on the altar, on top of the wood. 10 Then he reached out his hand and took the knife to slay his son.
11 But the angel of the LORD called out to him from heaven, "Abraham! Abraham!" "Here I am," he replied.
12 "Do not lay a hand on the boy," he said. "Do not do anything to him. Now I know that you fear God, because you have not withheld from me your son, your only son."
13 Abraham looked up and there in a thicket he saw a ram [a] caught by its horns. He went over and took the ram and sacrificed it as a burnt offering instead of his son.
14 So Abraham called that place The LORD Will Provide. And to this day it is said, "On the mountain of the LORD it will be provided."


Can I really say I love God above all things? Even good things? Good things that are so dear to me?
Can I willingly sacrifice my wants for His will? Even my needs for His will?

Can I say like David, Your love is better than life?




I know the answer. It's ugly.




I've so much more to learn......

One day...

One day...

......the shivers of winter would be melted by the warmth of the budding spring

.....smiles would simply be smiles, need not be partnered with tears

.....there won't be heavy silences, quiet eyes but mischevious grins, warm hands

.....the hidden trail would come to life, deep with impressions of footsteps of the willing

.....the weed would cease to choke no more but bloom.

.....my mess would be a distant memory, blown away by the laughter of them yet to be born

.....it won't matter anymore.....

One day...

Matthew 6:28........ See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these.



John 11: 35 Jesus wept.

Not because of me, but inspite of me

This was where I cajoled, talked and urged; prayed and worked together with my CF to bring a change to IMU. This was where I stood in front of my members during my tenure as president (for the record, I was imperfect in this role), with words that God's grace is sufficient for your exams, don't worry about tomorrow, that we should look to God.

It's just 2-3 months ago, yet it seems like eternity has passed.

I remember the smiles, the lame jokes. How confident I was with my words; not because I was great but because I did not grasp the significance of what I spoke. What it meant to daily take up the cross. To surrender all. To trust Him.

I remember the rush of going on mission trips! Of camps. Complaining about summatives and PMS matching options. Where the biggest "trial" was the lack of sleep and a poor memory. Plus the lack of food options in IMU..(haha, and now IMU has an atm, just right after I leave..)

I went back today for the 1st time since the news broke. I saw that in many ways, things are still the same. Same escalators that don't move. The same order of programs, the same people who give their best to God, the same jokes, the same struggles with exams and time, yet the same victories.

And here I was, at the back of SR5 trying hard to control my emotions and disappointments. The tears that stubbornly roll down during praise and worship. The raw pain of a heart broken and a life violently rocked by a crisis. When everything's not normal in a world that seems to still go on normally.

When I finally stood in front of the CFers today towards the end of CF at my own request to speak (yea tak tahu malu!), I wouldn't have recognize the Sarah who spoke. Who couldn't really control her tears, who spoke haltingly, who's a pale shadow of her former self.

The many junior faces I didn't recognize, the exam struggles I no longer could relate too...

Bruised and hurting. A broken jar. No longer the confident president but the struggling ex. Who's words come back to haunt her. Who could sacrely control her own emotions let alone encourage others.

Yet in the midst of all this, I realized it's precisely in this wounded state where God is most glorified.

When it's no longer how eloquent I sound nor how cheerful I act, but how much I am in need of a Saviour. When it's no longer how well I overcame, but how much I can't overcome and need help. When it's no longer what I say that brings change, but how God brings change when we let Him have His say. When it's no longer how well I fight, but how much I let Him fight on my behalf.

And I chose to speak, not because I had really wonderful things to share. Nor powerful victories. Come one, with swollen eyes and a really terrible mood, haha, I don't want to scare the juniors away! (Like imagine! Product of 5 sems in CF= a crazy girl who can't stop crying, who's heart is in pieces, who can't even control her frustrations)

But I spoke because to the best I can, I still want to whisper in the midst of my brokenness that God remains good. That my God is still as relevant in my life (if not more) as He was 3 months ago. That although I am down to my knees and the pain is killing, His grace is sufficient even........................even when I don't feel it.

Anger!

Hi Mr Anger. I don't recognize you. Because you are so foreign to me and I seldom have the need for you.

Meeting you Mr Anger has increased my pulse beat and made me nauseous. What a grand first time entrance you make in my life Mr Anger!

My friends would be surprised that I am getting to know you better because they have never seen me within 5 miles from your radius. I admit I maybe occasional buddies with Mr Melancholic, Mr Depressed or Mr Complainer, but you Mr Anger am not in my friendster list.

No offense Mr Anger, but I don't want to be friends with you. Yet I've been pushed to the limit by hurt. I don't want to retaliate so you have to go or else Mr Sacrastic would start to partner you to crowd my life.

Enough has been said.

Post edit: Yea, I'm still wounded, but going to CF helped, although I had to force myself to go and was like a wreck there. Thanks guys. For being a place safe enough for me to cry and for your encouragements.

And I've learnt that I may not be strong outwardly or emotionally...

but it's only then God's glory is revealed in weakness.

Indeed, as difficult and as *argh!* as this is,

God You must increase and I must decrease.

2 Chronicles 20:15b Do not be afraid or discouraged because of this vast army. For the battle is not yours but the Lord's.......17 You will not need to fight this battle. Take up your positions, stand firm and see the deliverance the Lord will give you O Judah and Jerusalem.

So far...

It started with a 4.5 cm radiopaque mass and a palpable axillary lymph node.
Then it followed with a biopsy result of ductal carcinoma.
Next was tests, tests and more tests.
Frantic phone calls to secure a surgical spot.
Surgery and its wait.
The scars and limitations.

We've travelled far.

Yesterday was the final histopath report and the removal of dressings.

Now there's a 17cm scar.

Jargon ahead. It's aggressive ductal carcinoma and is not estrogen receptor positive. This is not good, removes one option of treatment by hormonal drugs. It's also highly aggressive, with a 3+ rating (on a scale of 1 to 3). Which is why we were very shocked that the lump was cancer as she just had a routine normal scan last December. But there's great news as well.

Despite 2 doctors feeling a lump at the axilla, all 21 lymph nodes removed are clear. That's really a miracle. A miracle I myself in my medical trained mind was very skeptical to pray about because a node was palpable during physical examination. I was just so afraid to pray and set myself up for disappoinment. But I guess God is merciful and gracious and does work miracles despite prayers that are not powerful (mine only la), haha, I know other people did pray and is still praying strongly.

A good thing is that margins are clear, but due to the size of the cancer, slight involvment of deep muscles maybe present, although not inflirating yet. It's great we did the surgery very fast as the mitotic cells are in the early stages mixed with precancerous cells; even though the cancerous cells are at such early stages the cancer is so aggresive to produce a lump of 4 cm within a few months!

Another great thing is that there is no evidence of vascular involvement.

Well, the next step would be treatment options. Most likely to involve chemotherapy and radiotherapy. The hard part would be chemotherapy where the breast cancer survivors who come and visit in our house are telling us the things to expect. Nausea, hair loss..which are things we medical students are aware of. But also other details that we don't really bother to read/memorize...urine turning red, mouth ulcers, bone pain up to 7 years after chemo treatment, severe constipation, confusion and memory loss....the list goes on.

And you sit there and hear the list being rattled off, almost like a PBL, only thing this might happen to your mum soon.

But God's grace is sufficient everyday. There maybe times where everything just seems so so hard, so so unfair. Yet those are the times you cling to God, because there's no one else to turn to. It's unfair to expect my friends to understand completely, although I am very grateful for all your support (I mean, I myself also am at a loss to understand what other people go through in circumstances I've never experienced and am often at lost for words too). But God understands every single minute of this all.

If God was not in this picture, I can't imagine how things would be like.

And in the moments where you discover that, "Hey, if you cry too much till you are dehydrated, your top lip actually cracks." (which is a new discovery for me!)
and that "I never knew humans can have double eyebags" and "Hey I don't look so ugly even with double eyebags" (HAHAHA, yea perasaannya), I am thankful I worship and love a God who has a sense of humour, who's kind and gentle, yet who's all powerful and all knowing.

Plus He loves me too! :)

Continue to pray for us. Every treatment, every decision...God does hear your prayers.

In everything...

It's easy to be angry with God, with everything that's going so badly now...

yet, have I forgot to thank Him for the good?

shall we accept blessings but not calamity?

It's hard to be real without being a complainer,

It's hard to be positive without being an actress.

It's striking a balance between honest feelings and upbeat attitudes.

So Lord,

For the extravagant surprises and the downcast skies,

For laughter, sweet smiles and friendly "hi"s,

For sobs, tears and dark nights,

Yet for bonus blessings and wonderful trips,

The unanswered prayers and unhappy endings,

Unexpected bounties and special stories,

Multiple mercies when least deserved,

Yet the agonizing silence and hurting truth,

Promises of new beginings and better days,

Unfairness of life and burdens to bear,

Precious gifts of love and unending peace,

The uncertainties and frustrating moments,

Shocking news and stabbing wounds,

Comforts, joys and happy days,

Funny times and dreams realized,

Rejection and pain felt inside,

Great milestones and profound experiences,

Big miracles and daily bread,

For sighs that are inaudible outside,

Yet for hope that is in sight......

For everything great, good and bad...

I want to say...

This is my story, this is my song,

praising my Savior all the day long;

this is my story, this is my song,

praising my Savior all the day long.

Of markets and crabs

When I was young, my sisters and I hated to go to the big market in town because it was dark, dirty and smelly; especially the fish market.

Now, argh haha, I have no choice but to go there everyday to buy fish...

All this while the only "marketing" I do is in the airconditioned comforts of Carrefour or Giant, and the fish/pork/chicken comes in styrofoam packages.

My bargaining skills are non existant, and...haha, when I was paying for spring onions, I thought it costs Rm1 per bunch and walked away after giving a RM1 note...only to have the girl chase me to give me back my change of 50cents. Aiyo, that screams "AMATUER BLUR!" Even if I get cheated, I'd probably not realize it...

Pigs heads...I think they sell for RM12 perhead..
See, dirty floors! The black water is from the fish & squid juices...hahaha

Haha, since it was a Sunday...I decided to *cough* cook CRABS cuz my sister loves crabs and only my mum and I cook them. (ok la correction, my mum can cook crabs and I can try to cook crabs..haha). Since I'm going to KL I thought it'd be good to cook crabs once for her.

Imagine, have to get out of bed at 7, go to market, come back, wash and freeze the fish/pork..then go to church. And the crabs are ALIVE. One of the crabs actually jumped out of the basin on the table and when we got back from church it was crawling on the floor!

I see you!
The hard part about cooking crabs is killing the crabs with a huge chooper without getting clawed. You'd have to chop really hard, but also be careful to not damage the shells. Plus the crab would move around and try to claw you. And this really smart Sarah decided to buy 2.5 Kgs of crabs because she overestimated herself and wanted to cook for 4 other families who helped a lot in prayer etc. So she had to wrestle with the crabs while not chopping her own hand.

After chopping, wash the outer shells...make a crab salad with potatoes, tuna, mayo, spring onions, crab sticks and fill the shells. Then top it with cheese and bake...

Cook the crabs! This amount is good for 5 families..So far, the ppl I "distributed" the crabs to have not complained..or they are too polite to do so...hahaha.

The final product..

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Going to see my mum and taking care of her in KL is both great and scary as well. Great in the sense that I can be there personally and talk to her, be there when she goes for the doctor's report and regime planning on Sunday (pray yea, it's this coming Sunday when we'd know what course of treatment she's going to undergo & if there's lymph node involvement. We're praying for no lymph node involvement).

Yet it's scary because there's only so much emotion that can be controlled. It's easier to be positive and cheerful on the phone with her, because it's only for a short while. After you put down the phone, you can cry if you want etc. But it's really heart wrenching to be there in person to see all the changes. She's not yet taken out the bandages. She hasn't seen how her chest looks like. The last thing I want is for myself to tear up and have her comforting me instead of the other way around.

I don't want her to see me sad/anxious/tired.

But this is my mum whom I love.

I don't know. I've always been a bad actress.

Well God, take care of everything.

I'm happy!

My mum has been discharged today from hospital; was supposed to be on Monday but the doctor discharged her today. Which is very good news! For all the medic ppl out there, my mum had a mastectomy and axillary lymph node clearance on her left breast.

The final histopatho report on lymph node involvement is not out yet. She would only know the regime of her treatment next Sunday.

But it's just great to talk to her again on the phone, laugh and just to hear her voice again!

And I'm really touched by you all. Especially Cindy, Matt and Matt's mum who went on the day of the operation to pray for my mum. And Eugene and his mum who visited twice in the hospital. I feel especially thankful because I myself can't be there though I would want to be in the hospital, so having my friends go over and visit her is just like a part of me being there.

There are also lots of things to be thankful for. If it's not because of friends in the medical field, my mum won't have been able to get the diagnosis and operation so fast. All the Christian doctors who helped; in calling their friends, in rushing the biopsy results, in squeezing in the surgery...truly it's God's hand in all this. Prof Yip, one of the best breast surgeons and her colleague Prof Chan who did the anesthesia even waived surgical and professional fees.

And of course, for friends who stand in and go the way to pray, to help in many ways be it hearing me cry on the phone (haha, cindy) or open their house (Grace!) or call.

Do continue to pray for my mum's recovery and health. This is going to be a long journey; but a journey with God! And that makes all the difference!

Oh yea, I'd be going over to KL this Wednesday because my father is coming back to Lbn.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

This is our dog, Panadol. Haha, yea his name is Panadol.

Because there's no one to take care of him because my mum's not in, sisters are schooling and I'm going away, I had to give him a really short hair cut today so that it'll be more hygienic.

This is him before the "hair cut"

Look, I'm all fluffy and cute

After:

Lawyer, I need a lawyer! This hair cut is terrible! I'm going to sue Sarah. My dignity has been stripped! Look at the bald spots. And the uneven layering..ugh..I look like a rat now.

It's no wonder that I'm not the dog's favorite person because everytime I'm back in Lbn, I'd be the one snipping all his hair. And seriously it's so hard to cut his hair; takes 3 hours...and the ordeal of him squirming around!

Child-like faith

I guess I'm not so sad now, which is good :) praise God

You know, something good about being at home with my sisters is that I get to talk more with them, without the parents around..haha, more opportunities for scandalous topics heh? haha.

And over dinner yesterday, my sister Serene and I were just talking about our childhood. Serene is the youngest in the family and sometimes the most mischievous, but also the most cute. Sometimes there's a little fiction between us because she always sees me as the disciplinarian while I always see her as the spoilt one. But yea, being her "mum" now, I can't help but also "manja" her as well.

Anyway, somehow we were talking about the time where I was around 8 or 9, and she was around 3 or 4 years old. At time, my sisters loved to eat button mushrooms (we called them english mushrooms to distinguish them from the chinese mushrooms). The only thing they would eat everyday at that time was chicken soup, button mushrooms and rice.

You know mushrooms are hard to digest if taken in large quantities and thus, they sometimes vomited.

So here comes the hero, Sarah....hahahahaha. Drum roll..

I remember sitting them down by the steps of the door in my old rented house. I still remember it was around 5 plus in the afternoon and told them, "Come, I want to tell you a story about a princess." (Yea, we loved the disney cartoons with princesses and always fight on who own the video cassettes of Little Mermaid or Beauty and the Beast or Cinderella..haha)

Here goes the story:

Once there was a very beautiful princess. She lived in a very nice castle and had many toys. She had very long hair (All of us loved long hair then, my sister cried when she went to the hairdresser). But she liked to eat a lot of mushrooms. Everyday she would eat mushrooms. One day she ate so much mushrooms that she had a bad stomach ache. The princess vomited. The princess very sad because her stomah ache very painful. Then the beautiful princess died because she ate too many mushrooms.

And the girls believed me! They cut down dramatically on their mushroom intake and Serene told me, "I believed you so much so that I told my classmate in nursery!"

Serene said she was so convinced, she went to nursery the next day told her friend "My che che said that if you eat a lot of mushrooms, you'll die like the princess."

Poor innocent victims conned by Sarah

In the midst of the reminiscence and laughing, I am reminded about child-like faith.

The full trust my sisters had (notice the past tense..haha) in me, because they thought I was like demi God, the big sister who knew everything under the sun. The belief in every word I said, not because I was that great a story teller, but because they know me as their sister and thus, everything I said about the princess must be true.

In parallel, child like faith in God, because He DOES know everything and He cares! His words are real and not some make up story

(unlike mine, but to my defense, I was just 8 okay? haha, and some mushrooms are poisonous!)

The kind of unadulterated trust that is not swayed by logic, but affirmed because of our loving relationship with our Father. The simple belief that God is our Father and He does love us.

Am learning to rediscover child like faith.

The kind of faith, simple but powerful; where a 3 year old believes that eating too much mushrooms can kill a princess.

*uhm, after verfying the story with my sister, she said that I told her the princess ate a CAKE MADE OUT OF MUSHROOMS. Wahaha. And the other reason I told them the story was to stop us from fighting over the mushrooms*

To God..

Dear Lord,

I don't know much theology. I don't know how to pray. Of all the debates; to pray for miracles or to "let God's will be done." Would be praying for a miracle a demand I make to You? Yet if I pray to just let things be, do I lack faith for the impossible? Where does medicine and science merge with the spiritual? Logic and faith?

Am I just seeking Your blessings and not Your face? Would You heal just because I pray in a certain way? Or withold healing just because I didn't pray in "faith"? Would You heal if I promised You certain things? Or am I just an atm christian, only praying for what I want and not what You want? Yet didn't scripture say Ask and you shall receive?

I am only human. I fear my "faith" prayers for healing lack faith and are riddled with doubts. Yet I fear to pray let your will be done, because I really really love my mum. I cannot bring myself to "surrender" completely because I so fear that Your will is to take her away.

I am really tired. After the drama of yesterday.

Lord, don't forget my feet are made of clay. That I am only dust, my faith is miniscule.

YET, yes, YET

Thank You for reminding me that Your love for my mum in 1 sec is far far far more than I can ever love her in my whole lifetime combined.

So if I want the best for her, so want her to be happy, so love her deeply....
won't You love her and take good care of her too?
won't You want the best for her?

And Lord, it's because of this immeasurable love You have for my mum, that I can rest assured and whisper this frightfully hard words....Let Your will be done.



Help me. Help us.

Please, please pray for the surgery to go smoothly tomorrow.

I really don't know how to pray right now, but I'm praying for complete healing and a normal happy life to be returned to my mum because I trust in God's undeserved grace. Until and unless I hear God telling me otherwise, that'll be my prayer. Join me too. Thanks.

sigh

I'm really tired.

Pray thanks

My mum will have a full body & bone scan tomorrow at SJMC. Pray that there's no metastasis or spread or anything else.

The surgery is scheduled on Wednesday afternoon at UMMC (UM medical centre). Pray that the surgeon would remove all the cancer tissue and there will be no spread. Pray that there will be no surgical or post op complications. Pray too for speedy recovery. And also strength and health for my Dad who'd be in KL to take care of her. She will be in the hospital for 5 days. Pray that she'd be discharged as scheduled on Monday, in good condition and health.

Pray for my sister Sabrina who's having her SPM trials tomorrow (Monday) to next week. Pray that she will be at peace and that God will give her extraordinary wisdom. Pray too for my sister Serene that she will cope with school and life. Pray for me too that I will find a husband and get married soon. (HAHAHAHA Just kidding on that part.) But seriously, pray that I will be at peace and have the strength to do all the household arrangements including maid, bills etc.

She's beautiful isn't she?

This pictures are so precious to me.
The images are blurry cuz sometimes the photographer is tearing up and have shaky hands.

My dear mum, my Mami,

I want you to sit in front seat of my teenager's car when he or she starts driving and floor your foot on the imaginary brake.

I want you to call me and remind me to drink water (Even though I'm 21 she still does that, and when she was in the depature hall, she called my hp and said, drink loads of water ar)...I still want to hear you say that when I'm 40.

I want to call you up and tell you about how crap CNS summative is. And I miss and want you to call me everyday 1-2 hours before my exam to make sure I'm awake (haha, I have waking up to alarm clock prob) and to pray for me.

I want to hear your voice. I want you to remind me to wear lipstick (haha, I'm not really a person who dresses up). I want to tell you how happy I am. How much fun I have in uni or church.

I want you to meet him, whoever he might be.

I want you to see me in the white dress. Take the vow. I want you to hold my first born. I want you to live in my 1st house.

Oh mum, I want you to see me get the scroll and call me doctor!

I want to sit next to you and watch my sisters marry and graduate and hold their kids also.

And I know you will be there in person.

God, help.

Desperate Housewife

My parents left for KL today.

Uhm, I know that I sort of want to be a semi housewife with kids and a house and everything, but, God, it's 10-15 years too fast.

Yes, ppl. Hi. Nice to meet you. I'm Sarah the housewife.
I feel like a 35 year old single mother with 2 kids.

I'm not that hot though ..

Uhm, I can cook *cough* to a certain extend but cook everyday 2 meals? Then there's the cooking for the dogs. Buying groceries. I think we just ran out of milk today. Calling up the vegetable van. Buying fish tomorrow. (ARGH I can't even tell what's a kembong, or siakap or whatever..the different kinds of fish to buy. But I have to buy so that my maid can take the fish over for my mum to eat when my maid flies off on Sunday).

Yea, my maid is going to KL on Sunday.

And now I must find a new maid for the Lbn house.
Oh man. Today I interviewed a maid!!!
Oh man. It's just like doing history taking for the 1st time.

What on earth to ask a maid during an interview???!!!???

And after the interview, I realized I forgot to ask, for starters..."How old are you?" "Are you married?" So stupid man. It's sounds so funny that I feel it's so unreal, I mean, come on, Sarah 21 year old student interviewing a maid?

Then must TEACH her how to cook, how to bath the dogs, to clean the house....it's just like the blind leading the blind because I don't really know how to run this house!

This is better. I must determine how much the maid earns. Oh wow. How much do you pay a maid?????? And right now I don't know if I should hire a part time maid or a full time one. How do you judge the character of a maid? Especially when I leave for KL the whole house would be taken care by her. How can you tell from a 15 minute interview that she's trustworthy?

My mum is very good in this. She's experienced and she knows how to evaluate a maid's capability. Me, ZERO. What if I hire a person that's not good, then..?

I mean, cleaning my own room, buying groceries and cooking for myself in KL is different from running the whole house!

You'd got to make sure the uniforms are ironed and ready, the plants are watered, the 3 dogs have eaten. That I have remember to wake up early to send my sisters and their car pool friend to school and make breakfast. Then there's the sending to tution in the afternoon or night. Planning what to cook for lunch and dinner and making sure the ingredients are bought.

Zipping around sending them to school and tution and to buy grocieries in the Toyota Advanza I feel like a suburban mum driving her SUV. Telling them "Hey you have tution at 7. Eat dinner now."

And you start to think, emm, Do I have to go marketing every 3 days or 5 days also can? What to cook today? Has the phone bill been paid? Must remember to start the engine of the other car which is a 4 wheel drive that I don't even want to drive to town.

My sister was saying, "Yesterday you were a medical student. Today you're a mum."

"Have you drank enough water?" "You better sleep now!" "How's your preperation for exam?" "Are you okay or not?" Yea, I am starting to sound like my mum!

Overnight, the dilemas I'm have is no longer which medical textbook should I bring to Aus or should I do an additional honours year in UNSW (I guess I'm not going to do it now anymore) but........which maid to hire. What vege to buy.

If it wasn't for the seriousness of the situation that has made me take up all of this, this would just be so so funny. But yea, pray that I make the right decision in hiring the right maid. Cuz I have to call the maid up tomorrow to tell her of my decision.

If it's of any consolation to myself..haha, I guess I am going to be a GOOD mother and wife in the future. HAHAHAHA. Sorry yea, I'm a perasaan person. :)

But maybe being bz is good. Takes the mind of things. But yea I know it can be dangerous as well. Which is why when I drive back alone after dropping them off, I talk to myself (oh no crazy alert) that "yea Sarah, as much as you are doing everything remember that you are human too and you have a limit. Don't ever cross that limit."

So dear ppl, if you see me cross the limit or near the limit, do put the breaks on me too. Thanks a lot for all the prayers, calls, smses, emails.

Unreal

My father cried in public today, and I've never ever seen him cry my whole life.

My sister vomitted because of the stress of everything and her upcoming SPM.

My 2nd sister missed called me twice from her tution today, and when I tried to call back, I couldn't get through..I was so panicky that she would do something stupid. Turns out she was just asking about something else.

I feel less emotional stress than when I was undergoing EOS5 and feel peace so much so that I worry that I'm a heartless, selfish person. But maybe God is just giving me extraordinary UNEXPLAINABLE peace. Because this is the worst thing that can ever happen to me. And if I was to breakdown, how? My father said that now I'm the strongest in the family. I pray PLEASE let this unexplainable peace last all the way because the journey will be long.

I can only eat 2 slices of apple, milk and cereal today because everything else makes me nauseous. Oh well, I'd be nice and slim? haha. sorry, I think having a disease is no reason to lose my hard earned sense of *cough* humour.

I'd be writing a lot of blog posts in the coming days. Because I must be in the same room with my sister or else she can't sleep. And even as I stroke her to sleep, I can't sleep when she sleeps. So when the house is quiet at night, you my imaginary audience would get a lot of verbal diarrhoea because I need to write a lot a lot of things so that I can cope.

And please write me long long emails or update your blogs frequently so that I have new things to read at 2 am in the morning. David Yu and Cindy, especially! I don't know how many times I open your blogs and find the same thing. Haha. JK. :) No pressure man.

And pray that I would not crash the car when I get up at 6.30 to send my sisters to school in the morning.

But in the midst of all this, I am extremely grateful.

So dear God, right now, I am thankful for the fact that
1) I don't have classes
2) I got 3 months off
3) The new doctor is helping in the clinic so my dad doesn't have to completely shut down his clinic or rush back to KL
4) I have great great friends. Thanks a lot guys.
5) THE GIFT of salvation! Oh, how much I appreciate it. How much the sting and fear of death is taken away because of Your death on the cross. How much HOPE there is because you came to die for me, for my mother, for us, that there's NO FEAR of eternity.
6) If of anything, God has blessed me with the most wonderful godly mum for my 21 years of life. And that we have such a close relationship. That I did talk to her everyday on the phone. That there's nothing I regret. Except not getting married fast enough or all the bgr talk things.haha.
7) That my mum is a Christian and believes in God!
8) God is a good God. Period.

If my grammar has gone haywire and my spelling is wrong, forgive me my imaginary audience.
I just need to write and write.

God. This is bad. But it could be worst. So I thank you for the bad. And look forward to the good.

I just don't know

I don't know what to say. Or feel right now.

What they say about the eldest child is probably right. You can't really cry.

My mum has breast cancer. And it's quite bad. We hope to go for emergancy surgery next week.

It's like a bad bad dream, I still feel it's unreal. As if this is not happening to my family.

One day ago, the biggest worry I had was the arrangements I had to make to go to Australia.
Now.

I see my sisters crying and shouting. And my father can't sleep.
I don't know, maybe I'm just blocking everything out.

I can't eat, I don't feel like doing anything now. I just want someone to tell me, hey this is just a dream. I feel like sleeping and not waking up. Suddenly I understand why people would just drive into a wall.

You just feel like escaping all this.

I'm not angry or sad because of the diagnosis.

But I just cannot bear to see my mum go through this.
My mum is the dearest person to me. We talk on the phone everyday.
We laugh over things. Share things. Pray together.

I want to defer my uni but I don't think it's possible.

And for me the tears don't flow. It just escapes. Trinkles a bit.
Just like when I'm typing this. It comes out in small splutters. I can't cry and wail like my sisters. Maybe it's because I must be the strong one now.

I just don't know how I'd get through the next year. At least there's no uni for me right now.

In the midst of this whole craziness, I am so, so thankful I'm not in UK. I would just die if I'm in UK. I'm thankful I have a break before uni starts to bring my mum to KL for her surgery.
I'm thankful that at least I can take care of my sister in Australia next year. And if it's really neccessary for my 2nd sister to go over next year too, I can take care of both of them. This wouldn't have been possible if I elected to go to a UK uni.

But it scares me that once I'm gone, who'd bring my mum for her chemo and her radio? Labuan is small. We have to fly out for this things. If she starts her chemo she might not be able to fly and has to stay in KL for months? My dad cannot close the clinic. My mum talks of bringing the maid over to stay with her...it's just absurd for me. And it's why I might just defer, and if it's not possible, negotiate to go IMU seremban?

Would I always dread the phone ringing?
How am I going to be able to even leave Malaysia with everything like this?

I don't know what to feel right now.
Yet I am still grateful to God that at least, at the very least, that I am free for this 3 months or so, to be in Labuan with my sisters when my parents go to KL for the surgery, and later when my dad comes back, to go over and take care of my mum.

I just can't weep.

You know the kind of feeling you get during OSCEs or OSPEs, when you face a question you really cannot answer and you just feel a deep, dreadful sense of despair...I feel that right now permanently. Unlike an exam this doesn't stop. This doesn't end.

Not fear, but ...... despair.

Yet not despair over death or disease. But despair that the one you love must suffer.

I just cannot

I just cannot see my mum go through mastectomy, chemo, radio...and have her hair fall off. And worry in Australia everyday. Or see my father stay so silent because of worry.
Or let my mum stay in KL with the maid. Or see my sister scream, when her spm is 2 months away.

I rather rather get this disease myself.

I just feel so old so fast.

You know, my mum is the kind who loves to ask me to get married. Haha.
And I always will wave her away when she says that she wants grandchildren. (And I'm only 21!)
And tell her, "if you want me to get married so fast tell God la."
And tease her that I love to be single.

But right now, I would get married immediately and give her grandchildren.
Yea sounds funny but ..

..it isn't funny when you read the odds in the pathology text book.

The percentage numbers that I used to scoff at..and say..luckily I don't need to memorize the survival rates...

become glaring UGLY facts that if the cancer is really not that widespread.....the most optimistic survival rate for this stage is..50%?

And that's the most optimistic hope I can decude right now, because they haven't ressected the lymph nodes to check.

Ugh.

Tell me this is a bad dream.

Tell me this isn't happening.

To my mum.
To the one I love so much, so much that I would die for her now.

I don't know.

But I trust.
Pray along with me.

I don't know how I'm going to get through this. But I'm even more worried for my father, sisters and mother.

I still can't believe this is real. This is not fiction. This is not a dream.

God I really don't know.
I don't know.
But I WILL TRUST because God has always been faithful.

:)

Somehow.

Sigh...........

There's bad news.
Quite bad.

I still hope it's not going to be that bad.

I'll tell you all once the news is confirmed.
Pray for me. Thanks.

God, I pray that this storm shall soon pass too. And I will try not to question or be angry.
God will make a way where there seems to be no way.

When there's hope, there's life.