Sacrifice?

From IT expert to struggling medical student
At 30, she decides to be a doctor - it was a tough switch from successful professional to struggling student but she has no regrets.
By Jean Loo The Straits Times 05 February 2006

WHAT would make someone give up a successful career as a computer engineer and, at the age of 30, study to be a doctor instead?
It is an unconventional choice, but one that 33-year-old Devi Ng had no trouble making.
For eight years, Ms Ng was the epitome of the urban IT professional, working as an analyst programmer for the Ministry of Defence and then as a systems engineer at the Land Transport Authority, where she helped develop the ez-link system.

But in 2002, after her three-year marriage fell apart, she decided to take a different path.
Now she is on the long road through medical school - a story she felt was so inspiring that she asked a journalism student friend to write it down and send it to The Sunday Times.

When we interviewed Ms Ng yesterday, she said her marriage had failed because she was determined to keep working despite objections from her former husband.
'I was in a period of depression, wondering what else could I do with my life.'
A newspaper advertisement offering a part-time distance learning degree in bio medical sciences, offered by the University of Central Queensland, changed her life.
Ms Ng immediately registered for the course, which cost her $12,000.

Channelling her spare time after work into the three-year course, Ms Ng graduated in a mere 1 1/2 years, scoring distinctions for most subjects and making it onto the Dean's List, despite her lack of background in science.
She also had to juggle family commitments. The sudden death of her father in 1994 had left her the sole breadwinner.
'The money was good, so I stayed on in IT till my two younger brothers found jobs.'

She is now a first-year medical student at the International Medical University (IMU) in Malaysia and will serve a three-week attachment at the Changi General Hospital as part of her course.
Once she has completed her foundation studies in 2008, she hopes to move on to the next phase of her medical training at the University of Queensland. She plans to use her savings to pay for part of her course fees, which will cost about $200,000 for the next four years.

If all goes to plan, Ms Ng will graduate in 2010, at the age of 37. It has been a tough switch from successful professional to struggling student but she has no regrets.

'As a doctor, I can see the patient getting better and that will be the best motivation to keep on working. In IT, projects can drag on for years and it becomes very meaningless.
'I am fine giving up the chance to start a family, because I've found my true calling, which is to be a doctor and help other people.'

This is my junior! Salute :)

I guess I was seething too much about the uncertainty of my PMS university, unmet expectations and the MSK workload. But, I guess God just reminded me, Sarah Ong Kai Li (yea I use my full name when I'm talking to myself/to God..ahaha), "Please be thankful that you are doing what you love and that I WILL bless you with the best." :)

Yepp, I am blessed. Even if I have a broken heart, seemingly lousy PMS options, disappointments and poor memory, still...I am blessed with far, far more than what I need. I am blessed. I am blessed. YEA, I am blessed. For He doesn't willingly afflict his children. EVERYTHING happens for the GOOD of those who love him.

IMU Ball 2006: Reminiscence

I will not post too many pictures of myself for the risk of being called a cam-whore (argh! You...you know who you are...dented my ego!)...hahaha...

Blinding camera flashes, food that went cold as the camera lenses heated up, dinner starting 1.5 hours later than the appointed time, helmet like sprayed hair and late arrivals despite planning in advance to arrive EARLY for once...yea, in some sense this year's ball was just like all the other balls/proms. With guys in coats and girls dressed in their best, endless picture taking and poses... ;)

Yet in some sense...it marks my last ball in IMU...
The video clip shown was so true...we'd miss the long PBL sessions, grilling CSUs, ahem..food avenue/rooftopnolongerrooftop, indian accents, flour-drenched orientation, mamaks, oh yea, KKB! -_- Of course, for me, CF camps, committee retreats, CF events like Christmas/Easter...

Prayer meets where we laugh and laugh and laugh and Eu Pui sessions, CG infused with intellectualism with Tim, girly talks and bz days. I think I'd even miss the times where I was sad over things cuz I had great friends to laugh (*at me*) with me.
2.5 years in a blink of an eye!
But yea, truly a remarkable 2.5 years with ups and downs...and the fingerprints of God.. ;)

The highlight of the whole ball was Chow's multimedia clip on life in IMU. It is a MUST SEE! Very very very chun... I salute Christine too!!! She won Prom Queen in satin PANTS :) Truly a classy girl with a big heart.

MSK is terrible...haha..and we aren't even at CNS yet...so...will stop here

My lecture buddies....the international students gang! Haha, for the uninformed, I sit in lecture with the gorgeous girl from Mauritus, sweet Phyo from Myanmar and at times hang around with the cool Yafatou from Gambia and the dectable Quin from Vietnam. In the back are the 2 timothys...Pity Tim Chew, always get called the shorter Tim...

Yea....that's what you get from RM95!
This was an accidental shot from behind as we were posing in front

Stop laughing at me! .......Ok, yea I know it is impossible. Laugh softer please! Hahahaha :)

oh yea..1 interesting fact... Cindy and I were at the same table with the same shade of red...(It's not delibrate la! cuz we both used back our Year 12 dresses) In total 7/10 of us on the table were in red. Haiyo, as if going for a Chinese Wedding dinner.. :)

"It's good that Sunday's dinner was on Sunday (emmm yea, *obviously*) cuz Mr Cook's saute fish was drenched in butter. The potatoes too! Swimming in butter. Haha I would have looked even FATTER if Sunday's dinner was not on Sunday." More pics on "how to use butter when cooking session" later :)

6 months!

Suddenly, I might have 6 months to spare if I go to Newcastle. (Of course it ALL depends if I get matched there but anyway...just tolerate my "perasaanness")

I can hop on board Doulos, go to Cambodia, vegetate at home, fly to Nepal and maybe just make it in time to get married in 6 months! Woo Hoo...(I'm just kidding about the married part K!)
I can't believe this is the 3rd time I'm flirting with the idea of going to Aus!

1 was when Canning gave a scholarship for FY
2 was when UNSW openned a place in Medicine.

3 is now with the PMS matching.

3rd time "lucky"?
Maybe Australia is the dark, handsome bloke that I have always rejected. HAHA. ;)

Grandparents are getting old. 1 hour train ride from their place makes sense to go to Newcastle.
I still don't know.

MMC has "burnt" all the plans on UK.
I still don't know.

Do I want to take the risk with the new UK system?
Or just go to Australia for family?

Dear God up there, please tell me where to go. Thanks!

1 thing I love about Australia...the purple flowered trees. This pic was taken in the University of Sydney where my cousins study. Imagine, going to uni in slippers and shorts with purple flowers blooming! so comfortable & romantic...haha!

1 thing I don't like about Australia, the stores close at .....5 in the afternoon!!!!! But yea, it means the delicious sushi rolls' prices will be sold at a discount from Aus2 a roll to Aus2 for 3 rolls! Yea, cheapskate... :)

Don't envy me, I'd try not to envy you

The grass always seem greener on the other side.

With all the PMS matching talk, all the numbers of PMS cost, compunded with relationship issues everywhere, everyone around me (at least in Sem5 IMU) are getting agitated. Yours truly included.

Some want to go for a particular university because of cost, some because of the significant other, some to fulfill their dreams. Everyone is uncertain about their future, everyone has something they want. No doubt, competition and envy are creeping into friendships.

And it doesn't spare anyone. Each thinks another has a better route, an easier time.

Painfully, I must admit I too have been sucked into the whirlpool of unhappiness and discontentment. Do I trust God? Do I really trust God in all these? I feel that I have been swinging from complete peace to dark frustrating thoughts. And I must say, truthfully, I haven't been as joyful and as peaceful as I would like to be.

Compounded with lectures that end at 6.30 to nearly 7, coupled with early classes that start at 8.30 in the morning...and a ton of lecture notes to go through, plus ball "issue" that I'm not too happy about (no it's not about my dress! Haha..Not that vain le :)) along with the busy pace of CF/CG and trying to be inspiring.

Tying to be a good daugther, a supportive sister, a patient friend, a "inspiring" ahem leader, a good student, a good this, a good that....

I've reached my tipping point.
I just couldn't pretend in front of him anymore on friday. For the first time in IMU history I lost it. In CG some more (not u guys la, not my night cg..hehe)...gasp...(you call urself a christian?)

But no excuses!
I am humbled that I cannot be all I want to be.
I need to rest my eyes.

So it goes back to the question...the almighty question that always lurk behind our minds when the going get though..

Are Christians really happier than non-Christians?
I would say no.

but Christians who surrender and hope in Jesus despite circumstances more happy than non-Christians?
Yes!

I am challenged that the true meaning of being a Christian would be to die to self.
And when I feel off, I must seriously check the state of my diseased heart..
Most of the time, it's not because God is not good or available. More often than not, the question would be, am I tapping into Him? Relying on Him?

*sigh* It's hard to "die" to self...

But if any of you catch me whinning...jolt me up! :)

Faith is being sure of what is hoped for, and certain of things we do not see.

God has a great plan for YOU and for me m1/04s!

MSK

She Looks Too Pretty

Try To Catch Her

Scaphoid Lunate Triquetrum Pisiform
Trapezium Trapezoid Capitate Hamate

Cool yea? Haha.

Life is busy busy busy.

It's a challange to be gracious and kind.

To be patient despite the lack of sleep.

To be understanding.

To be like Him.

Yea, what to do...super imperfect to begin with...haha

Sometimes feel like an imposter.

No, memang am.

Do you know there's a book on "how to be a Christian without being religious"

Hits the spot right on!

10 ppl want to go to Southampton!

16 ppl want to go Manchester!

7+++ Glasgow!

argh.

17 ppl want to go to Liverpool!

12 and more "hidden" people want to go to Dundee!

Plus, maybe about 20-30% others who didn't fill in the prematch.

Everyone is high strung now.

Secretive. Competitive.

But You know best.

Trust trust trust.

truly :)

Rejected....

Today the reply came. Although I already knew before hand,
what the answer was likely to entail,
still I had to ask. At least try.

------

It had been in my mind for a long time

But I only got down to writting it last week

The email.

-------

But it's hard to bring forth everything in carefully worded sentences...

It was unusual no doubt. Yet what other means did I have?

It was almost impossible to call, with his schedule and all.

-------

He was the first choice.

Truly, great things could happen!

If it was in God's plans....

------

The answer confirmed my thoughts.

He couldn't.

Not his fault though.

Just circumstances......

But Lord, it's okay. You know what's best.

-----

........

........

........

........

........

........

Now the search intensifies.

The clock is ticking.

-----

........

........

........

.......

.......

But God I know you'd provide.

The right person.

------

.........

.........

.........

........

Ha! I know what you are thinking..

BUT

This is not a scandalous post! *shakes head* Always have wrong perceptions of me (Cindy Soon!) Haha.. :) Not to be melodramatic or anything..but yea, just got the confirmation that Ps Dr Chew can't be our speaker for CF camp. We knew the chances of getting him was very slim but had to try anyway. I was and is still hoping to get a speaker that has a medical background/connection for this year's camp. But yea, Lord, do provide who you think is best.

yea, it's tuesday nite, and it's 2.04 a.m.

and there's a lot of things about CF that is not done...

explains the raft of CF related posts...

hope i didn't bore my poor unfortunate friends of mine who read this

it's sometimes tiring. tedious.

sometimes i think God chose wrongly.

haha.

but it's a privilage Lord.

A privilage I don't deserve

help me finish this semester

SMILING :)

I know I will miss this once I leave!

Who's Joel?

Read Joel before? Know who he was?
Do you remember what is Joel all about?

Well, my CF's new theme for this semester is from Joel 2:12-27...Repent, Revive, Restore

Honestly it is not an easy theme to carry for the semester..it's even harder to come up with a convincing theme talk. Especially I do not believe in sharing/'preaching' something I myself do not believe whole heartedly. I also try to be careful on what I speak on...don't want to waste people's time or hurt their ear drums or ossicles.

Sin. Repentence. Sacrifice.

Not exactly catch phrases for young blooded university students!
And how would others outside CF believe in this theme as well..?

No doubt it won't be a cherry rose tree and picnic talk or semester..
How do you go about with verses like "Blow the trumpet in Zion, declare a holy fast, call a sacred assembly....Let the priests who minister before the Lord, weep before the temple porch and the altar....object of scorn for the nations..."

Yes, this semester will be solemn and serious.
This semester would also demand a lot.

But indeed, Who can accend the hills of the Lord, except for those who have pure hearts and clean hands.

Help me Lord...Help us!

A day at a time

"....I asked God for strength that I may achieve;
I was made weak that I might learn to humbly obey.

....I asked for riches that I may be happy;
I was given poverty that I might be wise.

....I asked for power that I might have the praise of men;
I was given weakness, that I might feel the need for God.

....I asked for all things that I might enjoy life,
I was given life that I might enjoy all things."
Anonymous

It's heavy.
It's more than meets the eye.

But no complains.
Smile. Smile Smile! :)
Be gracious. Buck up. Go on!
Depend. Hope.
It's in God's hands.
And yea, God has big hands!

Adventures in B-4-8 kitchen

I seldom cook. That's a well known fact. But I was craving for pasta just now; must be the effects of low blood sugar. So this the chronology of my adventure with the pot and pan. Yea yea, reading too much food blogs! Disclaimer: No kitchen was burned down in the making of this photoshoot.

1) Boil the pasta. Ya, I know, authentic chefs don't mix two types of pasta. But I just like variety! Spirals+Angel hair pasta.
2) The ingredients. Love mushrooms so chopped a whole can of button mushrooms! And broccoli...got it cheap, the whole bowl=around RM1.10?
3) Drain the pasta. Run under cold water to avoid sticky pasta.
4) Haha, short cut cheat way, herb and broccoli mix.
5) Add butter, milk, mushrooms and broccoli plus mix. I had problems determining if the broccoli was cooked enough though..cuz I couldn't taste the food while cooking (emm, how do the Malays cook when they are fasting?)..thankfully it was ok..
6) Boil boil boil. And the delicious scent of herbs and cream will waft through.
7) End result! :) Al dente angel hair pasta+spirals+creamy mushroom sauce+broccoli

Total cost? Maybe around Rm4 per plate?
Total time? Emm..around 15 mins tops..

No, I didn't die after eating this. No, no food poisoning either! I'm still alive! :)

Who says medical students can't cook? Haha.

Catch me in a good mood and I'd cook for you!

Oh yea...for those who do not yet to know...FOOD AVENUE IS CLOSING DOWN!
One less source of food for IMU's starving students...

Just a random thought *I felt extra-ordinarily blessed to be in CF last Wednesday* I know it was You!

Random

MUST STUDY MUST STUDY MUST STUDY MUST STUDY MUST STUDY MUST STUDY MUST STUDY MUST STUDY MUST STUDY MUST STUDY MUST STUDY MUST STUDY MUST STUDY MUST STUDY MUST STUDY MUST STUDY MUST STUDY MUST STUDY MUST STUDY MUST STUDY
then why am I writing nonsense here?

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i'm now Semester 5! *cough cough cough*

so "old" already

am i going to be forever reading 4 pages notes?

terrible....but unrepentent! haha

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though i did grumble

it was great fun to crawl in the mud

have egg in hair

do the catterpillar crawl

because it reminded me of You

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i'm so happy. Watched House back to back.

Why happy? cuz i can delude myself that i'm learning something about medicine

while watching at the same time! haha

that's why i read Robin Cook when i feel guilty about reading non-fiction,

study and relax at the same time mah!

yea, shows how un"rajin" i am when it comes to reading my textbooks

but seriously, watching House can help you remember things!

of course, that's if you'd ever come across such rare and "exotic" cases

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Burdens?

The heavy burden lies not in the position,

Nor in doing the things required,

But in the fear and the realization that I am not doing enough.....

And the fact that I am not good enough anyway

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I love my new glittery slippers! :)

but i don't have a dress for the ball

very lazy to buy..so expensive!

psst..if i reuse would anyone notice?

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Cindy and David= thanks! Especially for putting up with the grumpy girl

- he's the guy busy smsing-

-she's in pink, learning the guitar-

*DISCLAIMER, sorry yea, I really don't have updated pics of Mr Shark or double pics, so have to post seperately*

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i realize more & more

that i'm a stranger to my own self

i realize more & more

that being loved by God and loving Him

is a rollercoaster adventure @ romance story @ battlefield

that is never static, always dynamic

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i realize i write a lot of nonsense when i'm stressed. but it's ok. don't worry bout me.

God will handle it :)

PMS

It brings anxiousness, irritability and even occasionally pangs of jealousy. It descends periodically and wrecks havoc on normally calm people. It causes mad scrambles and the descend of the gloom of uncertainty.....PMS=Partner Medical School. (not pre menstrual syndrome!)

The fever is builing and reaching boiling temperature. By now as March sneaks into the corner, everyone is asking questions on which uni to twin too....How's the weather, how's the accommodation, how's the uni, how's the people there etc....

Some know where they want to go and die die must go to a certain university. I on the other hand don't any preference for any university at all...which can be quite bad because I have to list 26 universities..from 1 to 26...

Of course, a cheaper university would be good. It will lessen the my father's hemorrhaging wallet. And yea, the only reason why I sob* turned down UNSW (which was 2 blocks away from my grandparents' flat) was due to Australia's fluid immigration policy for graduating doctors. Personally, Australia is a wonderful place to stay, great weather, fantastic food...and everyone from family is there. Cheaper too. But they don't really welcome doctors..which explains why my father and his brother are the only ones left in Malaysia.

Father thinks it's best to go to where he studied..(not literally because IMU doesn't twin to UCL and St Georges is sooo expensive!) but around there. Yes, he does allow me to make my own choice, he just merely states what he thinks it's best. My parents in my opinion often trust me excessively and allow me to make too many of my own choices so much so that I'm happy when given the oppurtunity to follow his advice....(I think the grammar of this sentence is terrible but I don't know how to phrase this..haha)

As usual I am "preferenceless" as there's not a particualar university that I would want to go to from that country...each seem to have their pros and cons..

So Lord, haha, You better speak to me on which uni I should rank 1st and so on...
Although I know He can work and bless me in any university I go to, I hope He'd lead me to the ONE where I can be of best use to Him. Plus, God, lead me to the church You want me to go! And of course I would love to go with friends whom I'm closer to from my batch, but then again, I want to be placed with people He wants me to grow closer with. Somehow if it's His will, I want to connect with the Malay girls from my batch....esp if I'm overseas with 1 or 2 of them.... Oh yea, Lord, if I happen to hear wrongly and thus rank wrongly, then You work Your will on the IMU computer ranking too..hahaha...not an expensive uni though..k? Haha.. After all You know best rite?

By faith Abraham, when called to go to a place he would later receive as his inheritance, obeyed and went, even though he did not know where he was going. By faith he made his home in the promised land like a stranger in a foreign country; he lived in tents, as did Isaac and Jacob, who were heirs with him of the same promise. For he was looking forward to the city with foundations, whose architect and builder is God. Hebrews 11:8-10

Deviod of God, the best can be the worst, but in Him, the worst can be the best.

Just a note: To clarify, I am not anorexic or on diet...haha...diff ppl have been making diff comments during lunch... :)

Unspoken

..................................................

what's the use.

if it's not for You.

won't bother anymore.

what's the use?

can't even rant a good rant.

self censorship for the unaware.

ah, the fool.

You were, weren't You?

unspoken, unheard.

but yea, it'll be okay.

Somehow. :)

Capre Diem

Rushing with no where to go...
At times it feels that I am often living for the future in the present instead of living in the present for the future. Forever rushing...when I was in sec school, I couldn't wait to go to college, in college I was over eager to step into uni, and now in IMU, my neck is craining overseas. I'm sure when I'm overseas I'd be counting the days to go back to Malaysia and when I'm in Malaysia, I'd be counting the days to go back overseas....

The futile chase to find something more significant, more comfort, more challenges, more milestones....and often blind to the fact that the very milestones and experiences are actually in front of my eyes...

As Joan Chittister says" Finding God is a matter of living every minute of life to its ultimate."

Even as sem 5 roles in and the time starts to tick, I really hope to fully embrace each moment left in IMU, be it in cf, cg, EOS!, church, friends, family..

And thus, these are memories of the tiny island of Labuan....my sister will turn 17 only once...and I'm thankful that I was there...

Home

Books ..and this is just a shelf in my house...yea yea, I can hear you snickering away, "Of course you guys have to read..what else is there to do in Labuan? Imagine, no MCD!"

The reason for the 4 day trip...thanks to Air Asia for giving out free tickets! :)


Yea yea, I spoil the picture...Cindy says I have a very GARANG face..haha


Yep...one moment at a time..
Here's to living each second, each minute, each hour, each day...with You! (You with a capital letter before I start getting smses again!..haha)

Endless invention, endless experiment,
Brings knowldege of motion, but not of stillness.....
Where is the Life we have lost in living,
Where is the wisdom we have lost in knowledge? T.S. Elliot

Pa@the quiet one

My dad is the quiet, serious and silent one..... The one who talks politics, who's clock is always 15 minutes faster than real time, the one who is organized, methological.

Just today as we were watching TV, he suddenly said, "You know, it's not how long you live or how many breaths you breath. It's how many moments in life that takes your breath away."

Wah! So chim...Haha...
Respect the Dad!

Makan!

Hungry or not? Now I feel like a pregnant lady....been eating double portions for dinner lately! And I understand why Malays loveeee buffet dinners during puasa time, I want to have a steam boat buffet, a Japanese buffet (but expensive ya) and I want to eat seafood when I go back to Labuan again!

This exercise has been interesting because if I get up later than 9 in the morning I can't eat till 6.30 evening. Plus it's challenging to not eat when everyone eats during lunch and you have to sit down to talk to people while watching them eat. Of course, it's an incentive to get up EARLY in the morning. But yea, not really good for the metabolism though..with all the heavy eating at night...

So what does one do when thinking about food but can't eat? My latest craze, visit food blogs!! Ya that's where all the pictures come from. My favourite food blogs include the biscuit, kyspeaks, yummy, masak-masak and foodcrazee. Of course there are like lots of other food blogs but especially love food blogs that review SS2, Petaling Street or Sri Petaling because at least I know where and which restaurant they are writing/ravishing about.

Was in Petaling Street last Saturday and because yours truly woke up late and miss her 9 o'clock deadline, she didn't eat and walk around in the hot and humid Petaling Street. Almost felt like fainting, yea dangerous...but anyway, food never looked so appealing till then! Ended up ta pau ing Eu Cha Kui, Pan Mee, Koh Loh Mee and a bag of cheezels for dinner. Yea 1 dinner for 1. Told yea I'm now eating double portions........

Woe to the waistline.. :) And if anyone is going for "economical" buffet dinner AFTER 6.30, count me in!

What compels?

His father died today. He never got to say the last goodbye.
Just after 1 month in Chiang Mai, Kien Loong rushed back to KL today for the funeral. Those who know Kien Loong and Su Fong feel their pain and share a kindship with them.

After being in PD with them, getting to know their family and learning God with them there's a fierce protectiveness that I feel for them. When I read the papers on Thailand, it's no longer just another country, but hey! it's the country where my friends are. Tom Yam is just not another dish, but what my friends eat everyday.

It's not another wannabe missionary couple being "foolish" to forsake all to be obedient to my God. Nor is it another missionary talking about something I don't grasp or feel.

But it's a missionary family whom I've prayed with, whom I've seen Su Fong cry while praying for Thailand when looking at the map of the world. It's Sarah and Seth their children who've touched us all with their maturity and love for the people of Thailand themselves. It's Su Fong who'd joke with me that we are made for South East Asian countries cuz we are both tanned and thus look like the people there. It's Kian Loong humbly sharing from his heart on how God changed and convicted him to leave his job.

It's simply lives that've touched other lives, including mine...

In the preceding months before leaving I've seen them sell their house, their car, say goodbye to friends and family, bringing their two children to an unknown land...

What comples them? To go leaving everything, to go on despite sad circumstances?

For Christ's love compels us, because we are convienced that One died for all, and therefore all died. And He died for all, that those who live should no longer live for themselves but for Him who died for them and was raised again. 2 Corinthians 5:14-15

Indeed, "he is no fool to give what he cannot keep, to gain what he cannot lose" Jim Elliot

Teach me to gaze into Your eyes and learn Your humility.

Keep them in your prayers. Pray for Thailand

Can't stop smiling

I ventured with confusion.
I departed with no resolution.
Yet I can't stop smilling.
For I know you better.
And you have granted me the privillage
of sharing more of you with me.

I've found the one!
GRINS :)

As cliche as it may sound, it's simply wonderful to wake up knowing that!

"Love is a serious mental disease" Plato

(After getting different interpretations of this post and having a funny conversation with CINDY...I must enlarge my disclaimer! :) This post is about finding The One, but still waiting for the second love..haha. The venturing etc is not the journey like Mr Yu and you, but going to peacehaven, recognize the picture? :) Rest assured if it is really scandalous news you'd be the first to know!
It's not an attempt to be a smart aleck or potong steam or to post something "scandalous" but truly I've found The one and in the future mr boyfriend *if he exists* will only be the second. So someday if asked, "Is he(mr bf/husband) The One?" the answer would definately be "No! He's not the one, but the two in my life..." ok lame but get my point? haha)

Anyway, since you guys have got me talking about this scandalous subject, I attended MCPP (mission candidate preparation program) part 2 in Peacehaven last weekend, which was the reason for the post! On hindsight yea, those that didn't go would probably think that I'm talking about something else instead. My miscommunication problem and wrong choice of words! Apologies...

But you know what? Only 1/10 women missionaries are married, so we had a single missionary from Cambodia share on life as a single missionary and honest talk on this issues. Again I must stress to you all I'm not sure if I'm going to be a missionary etc but I'm keen to discover where God would want me to be. And part of preparation for this would be to relinquish the dream to be married, even the dream of being married to a guy who'd share the same dream/passion. Of course it doesn't mean that I must never get married if I wanted to go into the mission field, but in view of the scant number of guys willing to go forth, it's entirely up to God to provide. After all, the dream must never be bigger than the dream giver...and as C.S. Lewis so aptly writes, Love ceases to be a demon when it ceases to be a god.

Which brings me back to the question of The One. If I've truly found The One love of my life, would it matter if I do not find the second? Yes, it would because I am still human. Yet, because I've found The one, finding or not finding (or in the girl's case waiting for) the second love would not matter so much or be the top priority.....

so yea....found The One....going with the flow of God in waiting for the second and open to God if the second might not appear :)
(*blushes* sigh, didn't want to write about thses 2 issues privy to me on world wide web but I guess I owe everyone an explanation...haha! dug my own grave yea.. ;) But honestly I really wasn't thinking in that line, probably too much mountain air..ha)

The storm has passed

A father and child embarkes on a journey.
"Come child, let me take you on this journey."
"But where are we going?" the child asks.
"You'd see. It's a surprise."
"But I want to know! Papa!"
"Child, it's really a surprise. Trust me."
"I really want to know and I'm not going until you tell me."
"Have I ever disappointed you? Trust me. Just follow me."
The child looks at her father's rough but gentle hands, hands that have gently built her life.
"Ok," as she grips her father's hand as they walk into the forest.

At first the forest scares her. There are dark shadows and the winds howl, sending shivers down her spine. Yet, holding on to father, she starts to enjoy the journey. They pass through shallow grooves and cross small creaks. She begins to enjoy the journey and marvel at the way the sun's patterns cut through random openings of the forest canopy.

Father and daughter walk on. But soon into the journey, her 5 year old mind's attention span begins to waver.

"Father, can we stop here? I need a rest. I want to play with the leaves," she says.
"No child, we have to move on, we really do," he answeres, not inconsiderate to his young daughter's request but aware that the journey has barely begun.
"Please?"
"No."

Sulkingly she prods on with her father. She walks on and forgets her confrontation with her father earlier on as she comes to a stream of water. They stop for a long drink and enjoy the cool water. She understands now why her father wanted to go on. Trust for her father increases and she's simply happy to be travelling with him.

Yet it's not the end of the journey. They move on further through darker woods. Now it's no longer the rustling wind but the haunting howls of wolves that jarr at her ears. Her young legs begin to fail her. She desperately grips at her father's hands. Energy ebbs away and for the moment, she's disappointed in herself for being so young, so weak.

"I'm so tired. I really can't go on anymore. Please tell me where we are going"
Silence from him. She fears she has stung his heart.
"No pa, it's not that I don't trust you, nor that I want to ruin your suprise. It's just that I can't, and if you tell me, then maybe I would muster enough energy to go on."
Silence again.
"Father, if you won't tell me, it's okay too. But rest with me then. My grip is getting weaker."
He looks at her, but speaks no words. She clings even more tightly and begs.
"I know you won't leave me. But there's no way that I can go on now. I'm sorry I'm so weak. I'm sorry I am a disappointment to you. If I could I would. But I really can't. I'm so afraid that if I go on, I wouldn't have even enough energy to hold your hand. I'm afraid that I'd let go of you, my dear father"

An eternity of silence. A desperate child.

Finally he whispers, "Child, I know.
I didn't ask you to journey with me not knowing your strength. I know that this journey is beyond you. And I know that your grip will fail you.
But child, don't you see, I'll still hold you even when you can't."

She noddes but continues, "I know that you'd never disappoint me. But I fear more that I'd be disappointed in you instead. For I do not want to lose you nor feel disappointed in you because your presense means so much to me. I am my worst enemy"

"My child. Trust me. Simply trust me. There are periods of this journey where I want you to grip my hand, to learn to trust me, yet there are also moments where I need you to simply let me grip your hand instead. "

He adds, "It's during these times that no matter how hard you try to hold my hand, it's not your strength that would ensure we are not seperated, but mine."

Cease striving and know that I am God.
Lord, I believe, help me overcome my unbelief.
Save me from myself.
I trust in You, not that my trust would help me grip tighter to you.
But I trust in You, that You'll help me trust in You when I don't trust.*

*(I'm sorry if you had to read until here and see such paradoxical sentences that may not make sense. It's just my train of thought)

Releasing my grip

Father, I want to know Thee, but my coward heart fears to give up its toys.
I cannot part with them without inward bleeding, and I do not try to hide from Thee the terror of the parting.
I come trembling, but I do come.
Please root from my heart all Those things which I have cherished so long and which have become a very part of my living self, so that Thou mayest enter and dwell there without a rival. Then shalt Thou make the place of Thy feet glorious.
Then shall my heart have no need of the sun to shine in it, for Thyself wilt be the light of it, and there shall be no night there.
In Jesus' name, Amen
A.W. Tozer, The Pursuit of God.

The dearer the dream, the greater the cost.
Yet the greater the struggle of surrender, the greater the surprise.
You are for me, not against me. Remind me Lord!
Whatever you want to remove, please remove. Whatever you want to place, do place.
I trust You my all in all, to give me nothing but the best, even when I fear Your best is not what I want. Teach me to delight in You so much so that Your best would be what I greatly desire and cherish.

Random attempts at "celebral" matters

Was randomly browsing through my stuff at home and came across my old "artwork"@ my attempts to be artistic and poetic. Probably did this around 16+? I'm actually (cough!) proud of this brown cardboard of faces that I cut from different magazines.
This piece of "art" (sounds so professional..haha) was supposed to potray the potpourri of diversity in humankind. Faces of innocent babies side by side famous politicians, glamorous supermodels next to beloved grandmothers, starving African children neighbours to rich celebrities, giggly kids alongside serious thinkers.
My favourite combination takes the centre piece, the grieving mother crying by her dead jihadist son directly next to a picture perfect couple staring into each other's eyes. Both pictures were delibrately placed as such, for both pictures centred on love, yet both evoked such contrasting outcomes. One, bitter tears, the other shinning hope.

Another random thought "gripper"

We have taller buildings but shorter tempers,
Wider highways but narrower viewpoints,
We spend more but have less,
We have higher incomes but lower morals.

We have bigger homes but smaller families,
More conveniences but less time,
More degrees but less common sense,
More knowledge but less judgment,
More experts but more problems,
More apathy but less compassion,
More food but less appeasement.

We have multiplied our possessions but reduced our values;
We have become long on quantity but short on quality.

We have learnt how to make a living but not a life;
We've learnt to rush but not wait,
We have added years to life not life to years.

We have counquered outer space but not found our inner self,
We have accomplished bigger things but not better things,
We've cleaned up the air but poluted the soul,
We've split the atom but not our prejudice.

We have more aquaintances but fewer friends.
We have more connectivity but less communication.

These are the times of fast food and slow digestions,
tall men but short character,
steep profits but shallow relationships.

These are the times of two incomes but more divorce,
fancier houses but broken homes.

These are the times of quick trips, fast words, temper tantrums, empty promises, cheap thrills, throwaway morality, disposable diapers, 1 minute makeovers and pills that cheer, quiet, kill.

These are the times where men seek to be served instead of serve,
These are times where God is on trial while men are judges,
These are times where values are fluid and truth; relative.
Lord, save us from ourselves!
For what good is man,
if he gains the whole world,
only to lose his soul?
(Adapted not so" canggih" to come up with this all on my own of course! haha)

Thank you for tolerating my attempts to be "celebral" :)
Yea, reading too much political/sociological magazines at home! (blame the Father for subscribing all these materials) AGAIN..hahaha.
As a consequence, "earned" only RM14 worth of angpows! (to my defence, I don't have local relatives, my parents don't give angpows to their own and some houses nowadays don't give angpows... :) )
Plus, abandoning the medical books too...