Realization no 5

I have a temper within me that I have not known for a long time...
and mainly to the nurses...

...who call me at 230 am to say "I need an IVC now...."
.."what is it for?"
.."Antibiotics"
.."Isn't antibiotics given at 6am earliest. I do a morning round anyway at 530-6 and always do all the IVCs and other tasks then. If I come around now, I will have to come again a few times throughout the night. If the cannula is for heparin infusion/PCA I can come immediately. and I am covering the whole hospital. I cannot be walking up and down for a cannula that is needed at 6"
.."yes, but if I don't tell you now, I cannot write it in my nursing notes 'MO contacted'"
.."then what is the use of the M0 communication book?"
.."I need to write in the notes that I have contacted you."
.."but it is not an urgent cannula."
...........at this point I give up trying to make paging a little more systematic/triage based.
And multiply this by 3-4 different wards and at random hours of the night.
^_^

Note: not all nurses are like that, I have done nights too at another hospital where they will only page when the cannula is urgent-PCA/heparin/somac infusion. They trust doctors enough that we will come around in the morning and we trust them enough that when they page, it is urgent and we will come immediately. The problem with nonsense paging is that after a while, you do not know when to take them seriously or not.


Page beeps..
..Reply page..rings and rings and rings and rings..
No one picks up phone
..Call again
Finally someone picks up the phone.
.."Hello you paged?" (hold my tongue-wanted to say if you page, wait by the phone. What is the use of paging and running away? And I take pages seriously and reply immediately!)
.."Come and review patient, she has respiratory distress"
.."1st of all where are you calling from, what is the patient in for?"
.."some history given..."
.."What are the obs"
.."I haven't done them"
.."How can you tell me patient is in respiratory distress when you haven't counted the respiratory rate, 02 stas. Again, I am covering the whole hospital and I need to triage which patient needs to be seen urgently more than the others..look someone else is paging me now..
You also need to do the obs because it might be severe enough to be a MET call!"
^_^

God I need a lot of patience!

Realization no 4

I started off internship with terrible cannulation and blood taking skills.
Somehow (which I attribute to God's wisdom) I started off in a hospital where there's an after hours specialist nurse who can come and help with difficult cannulas.
Plus it was a surgical term so I certainly got lots of practice.

It was then followed by ED, then 1 week of nights (with another resident).
By the time I was placed on nights alone (only me for the whole hospital-but at least there's a med reg), thank God my cannulation has improved. Plus I had a gradual weaning to doing nights alone.

Realization no 3

I can actually sleep anywhere.
I used to be sleep resistant, even as a student-never been able to doze off on the bus etc
But now, I can sleep on the couch in the doctor's common room, sitting upright on a chair....
...and I am not even doing the crazy hours doctors in Malaysia do

Realization no 2

I can't do weekdays off well...
Part of me will feel guilty that I am not doing anything productive
Plus I can never wake up early enough-adding to the feeling that I am "wasting" my day off
...even though ironically days off should be for sleeping in

Realization no 1

I need to wear more "formal" clothes aka structured dresses, jackets...because no one believes that I am a doctor; I am often called sister, student....

...which I honestly do not mind EXCEPT when I am cannulating/blood taking and patients' refuse to trust my position.

I still

I still want to do it Your way....

even though it seems more and more far fetched
even though it's disappointed me before
even though there is no change or progress

....so help me go on

...I too want to have Your story in my life told

The car

All throughout my student life I have always relied on public transport or walked everywhere.
When I got my car late last year, I was terrified of driving. I had not really driven in 7 years except for occasional visits back in Labuan; and let's be honest, the roads/traffic in tiny Labuan is a breeze.

Furthermore, some of the road rules in Australia are different. Even though the traffic light is green you have to wait for the opposite lane to clear before you turn etc...I was just afraid that instinctly I would just drive at the green lights, forgetting that the Australian system is different.
Plus I don't know Sydney roads at all! And I was moving to a suburb/area I never visited, except for 1 lecture at Bankstown Hospital.

Needless to say, the first few weeks of driving was terrifying. I wished I could bus again or simply walk. I found it stressful to park (haha) because most Australians parralel park but we Malaysians park straight in.

BUT, nowadays I am so used to driving that I drive when I can walk to the stores..haha.
And the GPS has been a great help! I would never have known how to drive around but the GPS has taken me north, south and even to the Blue Mountains.
It's also because of the car+GPS I can go to cell groups etc etc and thus, I am thankful to God for the above. Just need to still remind myself to be careful when driving and not rush.

A dream

Then Joseph said to them, " Do not interpretations belong to God? Tell me your dreams."
Genesis 40:8b

Actually it's rather amazing that Joseph would want to have anything to do with dreams. The last time he did that, remember what happened? He told his brothers about his dreams and it was "Operation Pit City." He wound up in an Egyptian slave market. You'd think he would say, "Not me, man! I'm off of dreams forever." But not Joseph. He said "Oh really? A dream huh? Tell me about it." Charles R. Swindoll

Once bitten, twice shy?
I've seen and felt the pain of having dreams taken away; dreams where I felt was God pleasing.
But without vision, people perish.

I am daring to dream again; not that God will neccesarily grant me everything I dream about. But trusting him to be honest with what I truly desire. That He is big enough both in my joy and my disappointment.

Being a doctor...

...to me is wayyyyy overated.

1st year of med school: I want to make a difference in the world/discover the cure to cancer/win the Nobel Price for Medicine

3rd year of med school: I want to make a difference in patients' lives

5th year of med school: Med school is boring, can't wait to be a doctor

6th year of med school: I just want to pass medicine

Intern year: I just want to remember my patients' names and find their files (which always disappear when your boss arrives, making you an intern who cannot even do a basic thing like finding a chart)

Unanswered prayers?

To be honest, I do have sort of an achilles heel with God.
In my own grand plan and timeline I would be married now preferably to a Malaysian and striving to be a specialist, with the intention of returning home to Malaysia once I have achieved consultancy so that I can go back with my brood to serve.

But here I am, not sure about anything anymore!
And in a lot of ways I've grown quite numb towards God since living in Sydney.
No longer dreaming, no longer having a vision (and without vision people perish).

Yet this time when I am back with my family, I realize well, I think God has actually answered some of my prayers.
I remember a few years ago, when my father was going through his own dry season, I would purposely play a sermon CD in the car just so that he would listen because he wouldn't really pay attention in church. And my youngest sister and I would argue often.

But now, my father has changed so much! My family is so different.
I hope that my eyes will be open to see that my God is indeed big!

Living in the present

Coming back to Malaysia AND staying in Vista brings back many fond memories of IMU days. As I've repeated lots of times, IMU was where I truly grew spiritually. There are thoughts of returning to Malaysia but many factors play against it; namely the lack of clinical skills, the uncertainity of posting placements, the workload. Still something I am praying about.

Yet I am reminded that I had currents of discontentment when I was in IMU too.
And the view is always better through nostalgic rose tinted glasses.
My resolution is to be consistent with my spiritual walk with God which includes simple things like reading the bible daily and praying. To make full use of the free time for ministry, meeting up with girls, building deep friendships. Indeed I am blessed in Sydney with an okay work load. :) 7 days of nights is the reason I can come back to Malaysia because I get 7 days off after that!

Indeed I do want to live in the present, with the grace of God.

Below are random pictures including taking public transport in KL! Haha

Lack of skills

Many if not most of us have been brought up with the idea that overseas tertiary education is far superior than studying locally.
It was always something that I looked forward to; studying in the green grass overlooking an old building (sucked in by the advertising). Haha

When I started uni in Australia, I realized while maybe overseas universities are far superior and advanced in research; for the average undergraduate, it doesn't make much difference locally versus internationally (my sample size of course skewed towards just IMU vs UNSW).

As I assisted with a caesarean on my night shift recently I was humbled because I cannot even assist properly let alone do a caesarean. Our O&G term at the too posh Royal meant that we had zero to none hands on experience. Being a girl I was lucky enough to help delivery the placenta as a student, some of my male counterparts were not even allowed to touch anything. I have never fully delivered a baby on my own. Where as IMU students have a quota of deliveries that they have to do plus episitomy quotas as well! Of course I've heard that it can be super stressful trying to get the allocated number of births etc with the unpredictability of obstetrics and also jostling among coursemates for deliveries BUT...in a far small ulu distric hospital being the only MO on call, it will pay off.

Which makes me even more hesistant to return to work in Malaysia because I am simply not skilled enough. I can try to upskill another year in Australia but that would mean I might return as an MO in Malaysia where I would probably be less competent than the housemen in Malaysia.

I do not love O&G but I am considering to do a term of O&G just in case I might one day be in some small district hospital.....or...I don't know! Stay on?

Bits

1) I feel that I've missed the train again in life...



2) Doctors make the worst patients. My housemate has already started antibiotics for an URTI. I am sorely tempted to start myself


3) I now understand the obsession with TV series like the above or Friends etc. When you are in your mid twenties, somehow it seems comforting to watch other people on the screen with career,friendship,love life issues you can relate to a certain degree. (I still do not get the hype with SATC though)


4) I still fear cannulation on difficult patients....which brings me to the next topic

5) Nights make you fat because all you do is eat and sleep, messes about with your body clock and there is no one to help you if you cannot get that cannula in! (and I am starting nights tonight..)

Give me eyes to see the more of who you are.
May what I behold still my anxious heart.
Take what I have known and break it all apart.
For you my God... are greater still.

And no sky contains no doubt restrains for all you are the greatness of our God!
I'll spend my life to know
and I'm far from close to all you are, the greatness of our God.

Give me grace to see beyond this moment here.
To believe that there is nothing left to fear.
That you alone are high above it all.
And you my God are greater still...

And no sky contains no doubt restrains for all you are the greatness of our God!
I'll spend my life to know
and I'm far from close to all you are, the greatness of our God.

And there is nothing that could ever separate us,
no there is nothing that could ever separate us from your love.
No life, no death,
of this I am convinced,
you my God are greater still..

And no words could say, or song convey for you are the greatness of our God I'll spend my life to know and I'm far from close to all you are the greatness of our God

And no sky contains no doubt restrains all you are the greatness of our God!
I'll spend my life to know
and I'm far from close to all
you are the greatness of our God.

Change

When I was in my early to mid teens, I started realizing something was not quite right with our country when I read Aliran; an alternative opposition newsletter/magazine that my father subscribed.
At that time the opposition (?what opposition..never even knew/read about them in newspapers or was taught anything in school)...was powerless, small.

Aliran used to write about illegal logging, secret deals by ministers, corruption charges etc but I was skeptical; after all nothing was ever reported in the newspapers/tv. Is a random, subscription only-not sold in newstand magazine more reliable than the mighty star or utusan etc.
Of course this was before the explosion of the web and blogs.

I never thought the opposition amounted to much.
Never even really knew them or what they stood for because there was limited access to information.

Then the unthinkable happened. Anwar was sacked (and we were like "huh? did not even know he had a fall out with the PM until the news of his sacking came around).
The momentum grew but it was still never strong enough to translate into much.

Suddenly, 2008 came around. Everyone was shocked, even the opposition themselves!
Who would have thought; Penang, Selangor, Perak ruled by the opposition parties? The race had always been close in Terengganu and Kelantan but never in the metropolition cities.

And now Sibu.
I must say I did not really pay much attention to the by election. Knew bits and pieces from people's facebook wall posts and some biased information on thestar.
But I was just reading a comment made on Malaysiatoday and was struck by this

written by lee utara , May 16, 2010 well done WONG PR DAP I AM CARRYING MY BABY WHEN IHEAR THE GOOD NEWS TEARS IN MY EYES I TELL HIM MAYBE HE DONT UNDERSTAND I SAY SON, YOU HAVE A HOPE MALAYSIAN HAS WAKE UP FOR OUR NEXT GENERATION PROSPEROUS FUTURE WHICH BN HAS JOLLY OFF.GOD BLESS ALL PR THINKING MALAYSIAN, GOOD-NIGHT

The grammar may not be correct etc but.. the comment "a hope for malaysia" resonated in me.
And I remember that I am actually a Sibu born girl.
The Rejang Park 5 million dollar bribe is actually where my grandmother's shop lot is and yes, it has flooded terribly for years and years without the government doing anything and only promising to do something...1 day before the election
(I was so paranoid when I went back last year that I would contract dengue as there was just stagnant water everywhere)

I really dont know if/when/will I go back to Malaysia.

But I know when I watch Lim Kit Siang's election ceramah on youtube, I can understand the mandarin, english and bm that he is saying. And when they talk about kampua mee or duit kopi I get all the slangs. And yes it doesn't mean that the opposition is perfect; but at least a healty democracy ensures the people can choose and that leaders are accountable to the people.

It's a flawed country, but I am still proud to be Malaysian.

Ho hum..

..humans forget so fast. or rather I do..

I remember the terror of exams especially in IMU; somehow exams in Australia are less nerve wercking. Where we fear failing sem 3/5. And pray desperately to God, "I just want to pass"

and now when I am working, I sometimes dread the irritating patients, pushy nurses, busy consultants.

of course, working also makes me realize I am no saint at all.
The impatience especially for patients who are not bothered to go to their GP for their cough but turn up in ED at 3am on a Sunday night.

..then I realize, I am privillaged to be where I am. Not because of my own smartness (of which I am not) but because of the grace of God that I am doing what I am doing..even if it means haggling with patients who refuse to be admitted that they need to be admitted while begging consultants to admit patients who do not need admission but who refuse to leave ED.

Blog reading

It used to be the craze 3-4 years ago, where everyone had and read a blog.
As the years (gasp..sounds so old) have passed by, more and more of the blogs among my friends (including mine) have gathered dust.

But, it is still fascinating for me to read some blogs; where sometimes you can't express or even conceptualize what you are thinking into words and then you chance upon a post by someone who makes you go "aha!" or "guess I am not crazy/alone/weird to think this way too"

And so even though I have less and less to say as I grow older and realize my ignorance, I do hope to still write something down now and again. To think, ponder and rant. To catch my thoughts before they drown in a flurry of daily life.

2 good weekends

How good it is to finally have 2 weekends off.....although I for see that I won't have any for the next few weeks.

Had the privilege to go to the nation wide christian medical and dental annual camp.
Did not have much expectations before I went; was totally flat out from a really bad day in ED and went 1 day late to the camp.

But the bad ED day was maybe God sent; having a great team/consultants previously made me place too much pride in my work. Being humbled in ED just the day before made me more receptive to God. Placing less trust in my work and realizing I do have to rely 100% on God.

While I did not have the typical post camp high, I am a little more at peace with the uncertainity of life. I don't know many things; I probably do not know anything at all. But not knowning doesn't mean that God is not near.

Indeed when you can't see His hand, that's when you have to learn to trust His heart....
it's something I am still working out in my life.

Once upon a time..

...I had a dream, a purpose and passion. I had a dream to be a good doctor, specialize overseas, marry a fellow malaysian and come back to make a difference in the lives of patients in Malaysia. I had a passion for the poor, for those who were rejected by society. I had purpose; I thought it would be really fulfilling to be a doctor and bring love/change in my practice of medicine.

Along the way I left the country. Experienced many things, learnt to be tough. Survived, graduated but...

...I am now a doctor practising in Sydney. Living a fairly comfortable life of privillaged internship. Going to church, then out for lunch, shoping, online, working, sleeping...all good things...

but...my dear friend asked me, how do you think you have changed in the 3 years you've been overseas...

I realized I am more independent but more cold,
less stressed but more uncaring.
surviving but not alive.

I can't see myself living in Australia forever, yet I don't know if or when to go back to Malaysia.
Uncertain, unsure, directionless.

I sound ungrateful, but I still believe there is more to life than this....

Here and there

Working in ED means I am working all weekends and have the weekdays off; of which I have exhausted all the malls to death and feel so bored in the midst of suburban mums and retired pensioners.

Last term was busy mainly because I was moving house (to a far far place called Riverwood at the dangerous wild wild west of Sydney), packing and cleaning the old place when I am not living in either houses but living in the further far far Campbelltown. All while trying to finish a poster that was printed 1 day before I flew of for the conference. (note to self; never do it again). And the house hunting, buying furniture and working weekends and having to go back to my former hospital to get the medical records for the poster on the weekends......

But apart from all the complaints, haha, work has been surprisingly alright; given that I am not gifted in cannulation/blood taking etc.
Plus driving is much much better now; I used to avoid driving at all cost because I was terrified as I never drove in Sydney but the long long drive to far far west hospitals have given me a bit more confidence.

And while all this has been going on, I realize how easy it is to forget about God himself. I was a bit more in tune at the start of the term mainly because I prayed that I will not get into a crash every time I drove or when I was overwhelmed in my surgical term etc etc haha. But increasingly I find myself nonchalant and realize indeed it's true how easy it is to slip into a working routine with God in the periphery. But anyway, that's all for now.




(the poster that I thought would never come to fruitation. wanted to give up even at the last week)

Whirlwind

A pause and reflection is long overdue!

Hopefully I get some free days during ED term to refocus

A retreat

This is my hospital temporary accomodation! It's nice and new. And I really thank God for the respite especially while adjusting to working life.

So far

...working life is not too bad.
Although I still am bad bad bad at cannulas etc, I survived 2 weeks already. And I survived a public holiday 15 hour shift and a Friday overtime.
It's all credit to God though; providing an awesome hospital accomodation that is even better than my own apartment. Otherwise the 1 hour drive to Campbelltown each way for a 7 am start would have killed me. And I am starting to love my car. Even though it's just a 5 minute drive from the hospital to home everyday, that 5 minutes in the car helps for me to depersonalize from work.

Another overtime on Monday and another 15 hour on Sunday.
I still hate cannulas because being the only one on the surgical wards means there will be at least 8-10 of them to do, but, God willing, it will be alright.

From a draw!

I've never been "lucky" in raffles, draws etc etc.
But today I won a book from a medical insurance draw!


Apparently it's a good book, but the thought of being on call next Friday doesn't appeal to me. But as I said, we international students nearly did not get a job this year. And Bankstown/Campbelltown is reputed to be a great network with supportive senior staff. So although it's daunting, I thank God that He is with me. And I truly pray that I will not complain so much about my job but learn to enjoy it! I really hope to develop great friendships as well with my collegues and be authentic in my life this year.

Malaysia my home

My church in Malaysia started it's 22 day prayer and fasting recently. People would come to church at 530 in the morning to pray and seek God. My church is not perfect; meetings with friends and fellow christians do reveal the ups and downs of being in a big church. I must confess that I too was a little jaded and cautious with church in Malaysia after hearing some stories. But that very weekend, the senior pastor who always stands by the door to greet members called me by name and said "welcome back." It was surprising because this is in a church of 2000+ plus that I have not been back for a year nor am close to him. I was humbled by my own judgement and began to catch the heartbeat of the church again. True, my church and its leaders are not perfect but no one is, especially me. What truly counts is the heart for God and for people.

It just seems so timely that when our church is having this fast that events around Malaysia are happening. We prayed at the end of 2009 for the court rulling over this issue. I am sure the church is praying again as new challenges arise. Even in the few weeks that I was back, the sermons revolved around changing our nation through our love, prayer and our lives. Our pastor even spoke strongly against migrating; that we are made Malaysian for a purpose and destiny. That if we do not believe in our country nor stand in the gap, who will?

I do love my country but I don't know how will God direct me. I signed a 2 year contract here and bought a car. I don't mind working for a lower pay back home but I am afraid that my spiritual life will die under 36 hour calls. Yet I realize that I still haven't captured the heart of God for Sydney. Sydney is comfortable and nice, but my spiritual life was pretty stagnant here. (it's not the fault of the place but rather my laziness and lack of accountability or vision?). Does it mean that I will only date a Malaysian with the view to go back? (Because I know haha, no non Malaysian would want to stay in Malaysia).

I don't have any answers. I dare not make empty promises or utter broken vows.

But for now, I know, even though I am not there in Malaysia, at church at 530, I will be here in Sydney, praying. Praying for my birthplace. Praying that the fire and the closeness to God that I rekindled in Malaysia will not die in the comforts and hustle and bustle of Sydney. And praying too that I will be his instrument in Sydney; to live in the present and grow in God here.

Contentment

It's been a long time since I've felt contented and rested. I would not even mind if time would just stand still.

But it's back to reality and to Sydney!
I really hope that this year will be different; that my walk with God no longer needs to rest on the past experiences in Malaysia but indeed be built on the present.

A trip up north

It was an impulsive trip, borne out of the realization that I will not get the chance to travel much next year and closed doors elsewhere. I must confess I did not pray much but just wrote to the missionary family I knew from DUMC.
One month later I was in Chiang Mai; not knowing what to expect without any agendas in mind.

The day market

The Living Waters Center that provides accommodation for cancer patients seeking treatment from rural Thailand in Chiang Mai. The center also has a T shirt painting scheme for young girls with the intention of training them up to be self supporting.

It's really a privilege to stay with locals there because they know where to eat and shop. Pictured is fried morning glory flowers with thai sauce.

The night gardens. It was winter in Chiang Mai when I went.

The day market and the food.

All in all the food was good, the shopping was alright but what I treasured the most was the opportunity to hear and share with them. It's been a long time since anyone has dared to speak truth into my life; confronting and challenging me in a godly way. It was also eye opening; both scary and encouraging to hear about real mission life with its' ups and downs.

I dare say that this holiday though only a few days long is a turning point for me. Although yes I still don't know how life will turn out (but who does) I am not worried. Indeed, I love this verse from Proverbs 31...

²⁵ She is clothed with strength and dignity;
she can laugh at the days to come.

Looking forward to 2010!

A different atmosphere

Walking in the humid heat with the whizz of motorcycles past IMU brings back waves of nostalgia.
I can't believe it has been six years since I started in medical school; getting a huge culture shock with orientation, staying in an isolated place called Vista Komanwel. It's almost ironic that I am now back in Vista again but oh how I have come to love this place.

Having no car means we take public transport everywhere. Taking the bus means sharing the journey with people of all ages and races; the elderly back from their shopping in the wet market, the young school children, the labourers from different countries. All enduring the long waits for the unreliable bus schedules. Doing what they do brings me back to touch with my less well off fellow countrymen. It stirs back the long dried up passion for the disenfranchised. Reminds me of my relative wealth where my one airticket can feed a family of six for a month.

Back home, flipping through my church magazine sends a slight jolt to the system. DUMC is celebrating it's 30th! It certainly doesn't feel like 5 years since the big celebration for its 25th anniversary. And we weren't even in the new building then, and I must confess the dream centre still doesn't quite feel the same as the old converted cinema. But what warms me is the work that's been going on. Somehow in the country without Centrelink and welfare, every little effort counts for so much more. That the church is not just a suburban gathering of routine religiosity but where there's free tuition for the local children, where there is a center for the disabled, where church members go to the refugee camps. I am sure there are similar events in Sydney plus the fact I am totally biased but I feel so much more alive spiritually here.

Even the mood to blog has returned haha because maybe I notice more at home.
It almost begets the question "what am I doing working in Sydney" then...
I honestly don't know. Most times it feels like I am just going with the flow of the logical next step. Maybe I have regressed so much in my walk too that I am no longer sensitive to His voice...

But for now, I am home.

I don't know where I am going but...

(Verse 1)
All that I am, all that I have
I lay them down before you, oh Lord
All my regrets, all my acclaims
The joy and the pain, I'm making them yours

(Verse 2)
Things in the past, things yet unseen
Wishes and dreams that are yet to come true
All of my heart, alll of my praise
My heart and my hands are lifted to you

(Chorus)
Lord, I offer my life to you
Everything I've been through
Use it for your glory
Lord I offer my days to you
Lifting my praise to you
As a pleasing sacrifice
Lord I offer you my life

(Bridge)
What can we give
That you have not given?
And what do we have
That is not already yours?
All we possess
Are these lives we're living
That's what we give to you, Lord

Bits and pieces

It's been a long time since the last update...
But first things first, there's been a revolution in blogging at EMO blog . So much wisdom and observations from the Kelantan tree staying junior. Haha! :)

And it's been great to not have exams! No more studying at night (not that I studied every night but just the fact that I don't need to feel guilty when I don't study at night)

The yearly appearance of my favourite tree/flower
Cakes from Adriano Zumbo

Skivving of hospital to Bondi for Scuplture by the Sea! haha

Seafood platter!

And we went for a roadtrip to Port Stephens and Hunter Valley...
Pretending to be cool shot

A role reversal
Sand dunes next to the beach...where we sand boarded...was initially scared to sand board down because of the height

And maybe it's not the best book to quote from but maybe there's some truth to it.....

"Our fight was not the violent, howling, barking fight that keeps alive vestiges of love but that tired, distant silent fight where the fighters are afraid to punch for the fear the punch will kill" The House of God (The recommended "must read" book among the UNSW med students) by Samuel Shem.

After 6 years...

It's over! :)

And just some pictures over the year from various IMU birthday dinners

To look in

Exams are finally over..barring resits and the like.

While the outings, eats and shows are great, it's been a time to take stock of the inner heart.
And I admit, it's so far away, so lukewarm.
Where is the passion, where is the vision?

I don't even care that I don't care anymore.



A few years ago, I was so broken because of circumstances.
Today, I am less naive but more cynical.
Tougher but cold hearted.
Happy-ish but joyful?

Anguished?
For the heart of God?

There must me more than this...

I've been disappointed to many times to hope anymore...
...but there must me more to life than this life I am living now

Euthymic with a touch of dysthymia

Anyway since I am euthymic with a touch of dysthymia in addition to a concentration of zero, I am doing random things. Like baking even though I don't really want to eat, eating even though I am not really hungry, bugging my sister on the phone and watching DVDs while having the book open.

Which makes it a delight to find Doc Martin DVDs in the library. I won't say it's the most exciting TV show compared to CSI, House etc but it's great for a touch of dry humour and mayb reflects my own anti-social personality. And with a touch of medically related information that who knows....might be somehow useful in the exams (or so I tell myself)




I am bored!

And another thing...

The up coming exams are driving me a little mad.
It feels unsettling to be going out, yet it feels restrictive and nausating to be staying home all day. So I often feel unsettled when I am out, vowing to stay in the next day, only to feel terribly unproductive and bored!

In such times I just wish I am a little more extroverted, because my introvertness means I stop talking even more esp in hospitals, with friends. Conversation on my part is always a conscious effort and in times of stress, the real natural self takes over.

More permanacy (or just an excuse to spend money)

I did not have a weighing scale for baking before this. While it did cross my mind to buy one, I always hesistated because at the back of my head was the thought that I did not know if I'll move or stay in Australia. So all this while, I survived by finding receipes that use gave the quantity in cups instead of weight. Sometimes that meant trawlling the web for suitable ones, especially because many cake receipes are in grams etc. And with the butter, I often bought 1 block (250g), and fractionated it to roughly guess the weight. Perhaps that's why my baked goods were never super, haha (just an excuse)

So with the results that I will go to Bankstown Hospital next year (provided I do not fail my exams), I set out to finally buy a weighing scale and a proper muffin tray.


This supposed to be an egg tart, not terribly successful. Haha

Windows..

From Victor's facebook which was taken from this website http://www.fiona.my/2007/12/chinese-their-houses-have-no-windows.html

---
THE CHINESE, THEIR HOUSES HAVE NO WINDOWS

I looked out the window.
And I saw

Thousands and thousands of Malays in the Bersih Rally. They were fighting their own kind for a cause they believed in. And they risk being ostracized by their Muslim brothers. And they risk much.

I looked out the window.
And I saw

Thousands and thousands of Indians holding the picture of Gandhi in the streets. All were teargassed and many beaten with batons. At Batu Caves, they were locked in, pumped with tear gas and sprayed with chemical water. 80 are awaiting trial. 31 are charged for attempted murder of a policeman that attacked them. All their leaders are under ISA. The one that got away fled the country.

I looked out the window.
And I saw

Thousands and thousands of Chinese closing their doors. Minding their own business. Watching the soap operas. Playing mahjong. Going to the gym. Planning for holidays. Eating bah kuet teh. Enrolling their children in private schools. Going for line dancing. Changing to a bigger car. Perming their hair brown. Going to the movies. Shopping.

The Chinese. They don't look out the window.
Their houses.
Have no windows.

______________________

It is because of 3 generations of 'keeping quiet' that we are in a political quagmire of sorts today.

My story may not be the same for others, but it is no doubt a story of 3 generations of political oblivion -a saga of unremitting circumstances that has 'trained' us to look the other way - to economic wealth, education and religion. Politics because a 'dirty word' in our home; as a Chinese we should disengage ourselves completely from this 'unproductive' activity.

This is my story.

My grandfather took a ship to join the gold rush in San Francisco around the turn of the last century. Halfway on a Chinese junk, he got sea-sick, so he jumped ship at Singapore. Traveling up the hinterland, he focused on survival. Hungry from famine in Southern China, he vowed never to be hungry again. Politics was the last thing on his mind. Keeping his belly filled was his only priority. It was an obsession that dictated everything he did.

My father worked for the British. One day, forced by the Japanese to do 'national service', he was selected to look after food supplies. The family was starving during the war, so he stole rice under his care and hid them in sweet potatoes when he cooked rice. Our neighbors always thought we were eating sweet potatoes we grew on the fringes of the jungle, when in actual fact, we always had rice.

My grandmother sews clothes for the women day and night to survive and got paid in Japanese currency. When the war was over, these Japanese notes - which were unnumbered - became valueless. The family again struggled to bring food on the table. It was a litany of hunger and fear in our house.

When it came to my generation, my father thought education was the passport to economic freedom for us. He refused for us to be a contractor like him and forced us to study. In university, he forbade me to get involved in politics. He went as far as to refuse for me to study law so that I would not get involved in politics. I was forced to study a course I did not like because he wanted me to be a banker.

Needless to say, I made the same mistake when it came to my children. I told them also the 'passport to heaven' was also to study. But I refused to dictate what they should study but instead asked them to study what they liked. I ensured they got the best education. I also reminded everyone that they do not talk about politics on the dinner table.

My story is not uncommon; such is the struggle and saga common to thousands of Malaysian homes.

We are cajoled by our parents to look at bread-and butter issues. We are told that politics are not for us. We are told that our 'houses have no windows', so mind your own business and close the door. We are told that if this country is not good enough, you must get a good education and emigrate.

The Chinese? We are told this is not our home. We have no home. We are the Jews of the East. When trouble starts, we ought to look the other way. If it gets worse, we emigrate. Money talks. So long we have money, some country will take us.

100 years of ignorance. Is it blissful? No. It is tragic.

Still proud to be from IMU

I think this is old but I just chanced upon it recently and it's hilarious!
I am still proud to be from IMU


I am glad though my sisters are not doing medicine. So much drama with the NSW internship applications, that we might not even know if we get a job till Jan 2010 (because some local students accept multiple offers from different states and simply don't turn up at the different hospitals at day 1). And of course, the exams...
But oh well..life goes on

Job..less

So all international students were cut out of the 1st round offer in NSW which makes me officially jobless...until the 2nd round offer (which might mean an unpopular far hospital, interstate or no job?).

But I guess this is time to put what I always mumble should be preached...that we don't just praise God in good times, but especially more in bad times. That my praise is just not dependent on what He does for me, but who He is.

We shall see at round two!

Que Sarah, Sarah

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11

An unsmart nerd

I've never been a super medical student, just a normal average one.
And studying medicine can be frustrating at times; so much knowledge to digest.
Someone once described medical school as trying to drink from a hydrant; so much water pouring out that it drowns you.

What I realized recently though is that I am an unsmart nerd.
I have the lifestyle of a nerd; no parties or super happening social life.
Yet I am not smart like a nerd!

So neither am I nerdy and smart=at least I am smart
nor am I average but socially busy=at least there's a social life
unsmart nerd! haha

Anyway it's just a rant because I feel quite inadequate with exams coming up. Not to mention frustrated by the portfolio examination (a written essay with a interview viva on how I've matured as medical student..which sounds fine, but yet they want "proof of evidence" in the form of various extra assignments on ethics, reflective practicioner etc etc etc etc....)

Cravings

Since I enjoy reading blogs that talk about daily life, food etc etc...thought I might write this.

I almost never eat fast food but suddenly craved chips today.
I was already home, lazy to go out in the dark and cold but just wanted some hot chips while watching my new regular TV program MasterChef (haha).

I did not have any potatoes on hand otherwise I might have been desperate enough to cut them up and fry them myself.
After ummhing and ahhing I saw some pumpkin and decided to have sort of pumpkin baked in the oven.

It did help the cravings and at least it was healthy.

Forgive the pictures, it was from the camera phone. (My camera was stolen last year in Malaysia and thank goodness I did not buy a new one otherwise it would have been stolen too!)



Before going into the oven: A splash of oil, some dried herbs, sprinkling of salt.


Again, another ugly picture but oh well
After: With Salmon, Portuguese sauce and roasted pumpkin...
I had spaghetti pan fried with smoked mussels too...guess my weight loss might be temporal haha!

All in a week

My house was broken into twice
once at 4am
once at 4pm

Scary scary

At least I am able to sleep with the light off last night

Job applications are still lagging because of my stolen laptop

Had a presentation but thankfully I emailed it to myself

Bad skin! haha.

Looking forward to doing nothing today

Love the irony

Do you get it? Look carefully

Love the irony but definitely won't want this as my wedding cake

The "not in" thing..

In my blessed and comfortable Christian life, there are not many persecutions or issues regarding why I believe what I believe. But increasingly as I age (getting old) is the tension of bgr.

This often happens when people suggest other people or when other things come up. Often I cop out and just keep quiet because I don't want to break the camaraderie by saying "I will not date a person who is not a Christian." Or just avoid the awkwardness of saying that by playing safe and doge invitations etc. And the list then goes on to why Christians don't move in together and have the big 3 letter word starting with S before marraige or that dating is courtship and so forth.

It is an issue many people find hard to phantom in this age of free belief and choices. From my own experiences, most people are stunned and even feel "discriminated" against. One friend said that all beliefs are the same and cannot not understand the different value systems Christians have. (It could be in part of my own failure to live like Christ and show the difference He has made in my life).

And the seriousness that we take dating....people often go "but how would you know you want to marry this person unless you've gone out with him/her etc etc etc." Of course we do not always know and yes, sometimes not all Christian relationships end up in marraige but the intention is to avoid the "try before you buy" mindset and honor the other person.

Complicating things futher, other Christians date non Christians and makes all the explaining even more difficult.

Maybe this is one of the prices to pay in following Christ in the context of this generation.
I just hope to do it better rather than dodge under the blanket of silence.

If only...

Those who have been on call know how much we long for the clock to point to 7 am after a long 12 hour night shift. The anticipation of a shower, meal and bed. Sometimes even feeling smug that I'm done for the day even as the rest of the world wakes up..(haha)

Which is why the verse in Psalm 130 stands out;
My soul waits for the Lord
more than watchmen wait for the morning,
more than watchmen wait for the morning.

Interesting how the phrase the watchmen is repeated twice, as an added emphasis. Can just imagine the anticipation of the watchmen in changing guard plus the relief that the night has passed without any attacks etc.

I know I don't wait with such an anticipation. I hope to have such a hunger; not merely out of need when problems arise but to learn to delight in the Lord.

Vanity!

I am always humbled down when I myself get a cosmetic crisis. As medical practitioners it's so easy to dismiss patients' concerns about the cosmetic effects in the view of more life threatening issues BUT indeed appearances do matter!

A month plus ago I developed a keloid at the back of my ear lobe and freaked out after goggling the pictures online! Although it was not life threatening, in the literature it is not very curable and has a high relapse rate after any modality of treatment. It did cause some anxious moments and yes, it is still there at the moment, but I am thankful to God that it hasn't grown.

I am just so weary that another keloid will develop; this time on the face! I need to see my GP tomorrow! Indeed it is so humbling and makes me repent for judging people when they have body issues or cosmetic surgery etc etc. The holier than thou attitude about others until I myself am plagued with something that keeps me looking at the mirror whenever I get the chance and fretting if it's grown in size....it really keeps things in perspective that I am oh so human as well.

Do pray that no more keloids come up! :(

Can't help it

One of the biggest reasons I don't want to return to Malaysia for internship is my sheer lack of knowledge; especially in terms of practical skills. And O&G in particular requires experience, experience, experience

Over here, my scheduled clinics keep getting canceled because there are too many students both medical and allied health jostling for places-so bad that I can count the number of times I have palpated the abdomens. Turning up for things only to be turned away. I was at delivery suite today waiting but was told to go back home.

It is not such a big deal if I am going to work in Australia because O&G is an optional rotation. But I just do not want to be in the situation as an intern in Malaysia (since it is a compulsory rotation for year 1) at a district hospital getting complicated cases the midwives cannot handle and not knowing what to do. Plus the fact that we don't get taught to do anything at all here, not the suturing, nor the checking of dilatation and are lucky if we get to hold the baby.

I just hope I will be a safe doctor when I graduate at the rate I am going/learning now...

To the top end

It's a little complicated because I am a medical student but I am also an "employee" of St Vincent's since I work there part time as a RA but anyhow, because our abstract was accepted by the TSANZ, I had the gleeful privilege of being sponsored to go to Darwin for the conference.

(forgive my excitement since I am a poor medical student with not much other "happening" things going on in my life)

The abstract. Okay, not super earth shattering and thankfully my consultant was presenting but ya good excuse to go on a trip.


On tour around Darwin. Darwin is pretty far from Sydney, almost 4 hours by flight. Great for outdoors stuff and the highlight of the tour I took was the jumping crocodiles. The rest like buffolo watching, mangrove swamps etc are stuff I grew up seeing in Labuan (my small hometown) so it was not new.

there's a video where it jumps but I am too lazy to upload on youtube.




My hotel room in Holiday Inn...4 nights become a bit of a drag when you're alone but ya no complaints..


Overall, I would not have flown to Darwin if it wasn't sponsored so it was good to get to see what Darwin is like. Also going to this conference plus the part time job is a blessing from God because it is related to med and pays alright with not that long hours. It was a bit lonely just because there were few if no other medical students around, most were advance trainees and consultants but it's good exposure. It also made me a bit more confident about research work because initially I really thought that our abstract won't be accepted (since I have no experience on how such stuff works) but it actually got upgraded to an oral abstract.

The week

started with 6-7 emails at 6am on Monday morning from my supervisor, all urgently needed to be answered as she was giving a talk at lunch time, followed by midwives clinic and a rush to get from clinic-bus-St Vincent's for the talk. The talk was followed by more work as there was still so much more refining to be done.

it progressed with 730 ward rounds and a non threatening but potentially disfiguring health problem that kept me awake, sad and anxious.

in a state of paranoia, another health issue cropped out. While more work needed to be done on top of normal med school stuff. Added to the mix was the potential "no jobs for international students" mantra during information night, along with the possibility that I might leave people I care about behind and the cuddly world of comfortable internship.

I was pretty emotional, tired and strung.

Yet, at the same time some things cleared up like the health issues.

And while it took me awhile to gain back my senses, I am amazed by the reminder that God is faithful in all seasons. That what is impossible with men is possible with God. That God sent me to UNSW in weird circumstances. That he provided a part time job that pays well, is great in the academic sense and a good supervisor. That He spared my life when I was in a terrible accident in KKB a few years ago when the car overturned. That He provided and continues to provide for my family. And many more.

Indeed.

So..

We might not get a job in the end? Because of new policies again?

Oh well, too much drama for this week.
In the end, I do hope to live what I try to profess, that God is in control and He is trustworthy.
So ya..

Long distance relationships...

The funny thing about IMU is that most if not all of us previously from IMU who twinned to partner medical schools all look back and think that those 2.5 years were the one of best years in our lives. It is not the teaching nor the converted shopping mall that we look back fondly upon but the people. The seniors, the juniors and the batchmates-KKB trips, CF and the like.

But of course, it is also a reality that many relationships are tested by the distance.
Different time zones, countries. Differing workloads from super busy at Seremban/US to the super slack UK/Aus.

Over time, the promises to visit another country to meet up with friends fade away due to expensive air fares and minimal holiday times. Emails get shorter until they don't get sent, random bits of information are picked up from facebook home page (at least for me..haha, guilty as charged).

Yet, it is such a treasure when old friendships last the distance and yes, while the levels of contact may change inevitably due to circumstances, I am thankful that my friend and I can still talk at the same level of comfort as before. And to have a special guest from the US! :)



Thank God for friends, friends who last the distance and changes. And for the continuity of friendship that allow us to know where each started of and remind each other the ways God has remained faithful.

Maybe this is familiar...

"But I am not alone in this. Most of you will by this time have lost a parent, a spouse, even a child. Your hopes for your career have not panned out. Your health has given way. Relationships have turned sour. We all know the dilemma of desire, how awful it feels to open out hearts to joy, only to have grief come in. They go together. We know that. What we don't know is what to do with it, how to live in this world with desire so deep in us and disappointment lurking in every corner. After we've taken a few arrows, dare we even desire?" John Eldredge.

And so 6th year will start soon.
It's not that I am not thankful to be so far along, where each exam has been God's grace in allowing me to pass through. Or that I have paid work with a great supervisor and a free abstract. And thankful for friends and family and people. Okay life with health and food and a place to stay.

It's just maybe, I am too cautious to dream, to wary to be passionate.
Once bitten, twice shy.

I just need to know (not an intellectual know but a heart's knowing) why I am doing this again.

No need for words

Was just waiting for a meeting and had some time to grab a coffee (which later gave me tachycardia!) and time to day dream/think/read.

The book somehow reminded me of my father and my elective in his clinic. True it wasn't in the UK with the attractions of travelling around Europe, nor in the adventure of Cambodia which was also considered. It was just in simple Labuan and later GH. It was a choice I made because when else will I ever get a chance to be a medical student again under my father.

It was more than just learning about medicine; but to be mentored under my father. Getting the opportunity to be in the same consulting room, see the different patients that present to the clinic. Seeing how hard he works and how busy he is. Later just having dinner at home.

You see my father isn't a man of many words. We talk but definitely not as much as I do with my mum. Yet it was a great time to just be with him, to observe. where no words needed to be spoken.

How I miss the comfort of family now! Just to hang around doing random things that are so basic like watching TV, eating, fighting occasionally... ;)

From good ole Talley's

When a disease is named after some author, it is very likely we don't know much about it.
August Bier (1861-1949)

Little miss.....

Oh no....

"apperantly"....unless all my family members have conspired....

I....talk in my sleep! :(

Can't laugh at other people anymore for talking in their sleep.

IMU!

The park opposite IMU had a hill where I used to jog up (on the random times where I actually felt rajin enough). During sem3 study break ages ages ages ago, I used to stay up till 7am in the morning, jog, eat hot nasi lemak sold by the pakcik opposite IMU, read my newspapers and then sleep till like 4 in the afternoon. It's not the best for sure..haha

Now there's a 4th story above IMU which used to be our rooftop canteen.

New highway as well and new apartment blocks. And unfortunately the path up to the hill is a bit unsafe with cracks here and there. There's still the nasi lemak thing by the side of the road though with new extensions-chairs and tables!

The past...

Looking back at some old pictures at home, I am struck....

"Why was I better looking last time and not now?!?"

Haha

Musical chairs

So what have I been doing with my holidays?

Every year when I come back, somehow we end up moving house.

This year has been dramatic no thanks to the robbery which made my mother uneasy so we decided to move 2 days after the incident to my "beloved" Vista Commenwealth C where my sister has a room (we were going to move away from Subang anyway but probably only in march 09). Having only 1 small room open, the rest of us slept in the living room. Thankfully the rest of the students were on holidays.

However, they are now back to uni...but in timely providence, my other sister and I are back in Labuan. So although it is still weird that my mum and maid is sleeping in the living room while my sister's housemates are back, we are sort of settled.

Of course it would be inconvenient for the poor students who suddenly have squatters but with God's provision and Eugene's mum's grace, we will soon move to his apartment in Vista B for a few months. Meanwhile my sister's contract at her current apartment ends in February so she will move with us to Vista B...

AND then...we (or rather they as I will be back by then) will move into Vista C to another permenant apartment which we cannot move in atm because it's under contract...................

and meanwhile there are still things in Subang where we will have to move to Vista B temporarily for 1 month before moving it to Vista C

Subang-Vista C-Vista B-Vista C... sums it all up. Phew...haha

Although it's terribly unsettling and have drained me, you know what, we still have a place to stay so ya. God is still gracious. :)

Blast to the past

I arrived today in Labuan, the little island where spent most of my schooling
years. The small, small place where there used to be no Mc Donalds..until recently where there's a 24hr Mc Donalds at the airport and a 24hr KFC! haha..so jakun.

Despite some of the obvious changes, a lot of it remains the same. The same shops, roads.
My house has deteriorated though; paint peeling, rusting metal...after all it's just been my father alone at home for the whole year.

Looking at the stuff at home, I remember some of the things I used to find fascinating; the lamp that lights up on touch, the miniature figurines that we used to get as birthday presents from friends (but is now to be a dust collector!), the videos my sisters and I used to watch over and over and over...it's almost like travelling through time and acknowledging, yes, God, You've brought me through so many changes.

Changes I never expected, some changes I couldn't wait to happen (like going out of Labuan to study and getting so stressed at Pre U that I thought I would fail and just come back and be a nurse at my father's clinic! haha). Painful changes, treasured changes.

In the end, some things I used to love I will find no use for.
And somethings that I never realize its importance will surprise me with its lasting qualities.

Anyway in the meantime..my sister and I might just drive pass McD at 3am..just to satisfy my burning curiosity "Who on earth goes to McDonalds Labuan at 3am!?!?!" haha....

And so...

..this is crime prone Subang Jaya where today my house was robbed.
It happened so fast, as my mother and relative was unloading groceries and the door was opened. The robber just came in with a parang (large knife) and demanded that she go into the room while he broke open the master room door. After grabbing her handback and handphone as well, he even had the guts to scold the next door neighbour who came out to look at the commotion.

I was not at home at the time but I thank God that no one was hurt as you can never know what such people are up to.
They went to the police station but everyone knows that it's not much of a help, just an official report to use to apply for documents.

This is Malaysia where almost a parallel system exists.
Of privately guarded suburbs (not our house), where snatch thieves flourish and are never caught. Where we are resigned to unsafe neighbourhoods and everyone is either a victim of crime or knows someone who was.

Malaysia

The heavy-ish air hangs down with the humidity of the night.
Picking up The Star and giving a little squeal, even though I have read most of the headlines online. Hearing Malay being spoken.

Is this where I've grown up for most of my life? Feels a little different, can a year do so much?
Yet there is a difference. A softness in the heart for the cleaners in KLIA toilets, the conversation with the taxi driver who works at 5am till 12 pm to make ends meet. The sing-song mix of Malay and English...."kamu dari overseas" "Masuk KL traffic jam"

It's Malaysia. For now, my country.