Sunday, June 24, 2007
Sunday, June 17, 2007
A night out
The sirens wail while blue and red neon lights flash.
It's hard to distinguish if it's from the garrish signs or from patrol cars.
Outside the clouds of carcinogen wafts through.
You become street smart; the addicts, the girls..it's easier to know who's who now.
A row breaks out.
You just learn to ignore and duck away.
The winter chill wheezes through.
The darkness amplifies the glarring signboards.
We get on the bus.
It's almost like a mission adventure. It's even funny how they call this the outreach bus.
The hours are long. Seemingly frightening at first, but the a sort of mutual understanding between them and the service allays fears. There's no gurantee however, cravings can overtake cognition.
Needles, condoms are distributed.
The ignorant me never knew what were dams, the different sizes of rubber, or even the details of men2men s3x or girl2girl action. Or that the going price for full service was a mere 50.
We take our packs and go by foot. Into the "safe" houses.
The girls mill around, at least it's warmer here. Outside some wait, they must be chilled to the bone in their costumes. I am, in 3 layers while they fight the cold in less than one.
It's almost midnight. I take leave, won't want to miss the bus home.
With the stories I hear and see happening, imaginations must be surpressed as I cross the park alone.
But I arrive home safe and warm.
Again, it's amazing I got this placement because IMU students were not given a choice when the rest were cuz we were extras. While others are doing geriatric rehabs or reproductive, diabetes clinics, I'm dispensing methadone.
It's hard to distinguish if it's from the garrish signs or from patrol cars.
Outside the clouds of carcinogen wafts through.
You become street smart; the addicts, the girls..it's easier to know who's who now.
A row breaks out.
You just learn to ignore and duck away.
The winter chill wheezes through.
The darkness amplifies the glarring signboards.
We get on the bus.
It's almost like a mission adventure. It's even funny how they call this the outreach bus.
The hours are long. Seemingly frightening at first, but the a sort of mutual understanding between them and the service allays fears. There's no gurantee however, cravings can overtake cognition.
Needles, condoms are distributed.
The ignorant me never knew what were dams, the different sizes of rubber, or even the details of men2men s3x or girl2girl action. Or that the going price for full service was a mere 50.
We take our packs and go by foot. Into the "safe" houses.
The girls mill around, at least it's warmer here. Outside some wait, they must be chilled to the bone in their costumes. I am, in 3 layers while they fight the cold in less than one.
It's almost midnight. I take leave, won't want to miss the bus home.
With the stories I hear and see happening, imaginations must be surpressed as I cross the park alone.
But I arrive home safe and warm.
Again, it's amazing I got this placement because IMU students were not given a choice when the rest were cuz we were extras. While others are doing geriatric rehabs or reproductive, diabetes clinics, I'm dispensing methadone.
Thursday, June 07, 2007
A curl
There's just something special in the simplicity of curling up in front of the heater while the rain patters outside, with the guitar and just playing songs that come up randomly. (oh no, is it the cause of the rain? haha)
Haven't heard nor remembered this song for a long long time! But it's the song for this week I reckon after a really weird, fear ridden week (with death, the reminder that I lost another friend that way a few years ago & I prowled the streets alone at 11 pm!).
I have made You too small in my eyes
Oh Lord, forgive me
And I have believed in a lie
That You are unable to help me.
But now, Oh Lord, I see my wrong
Heal my heart and show Yourself strong
And in my eyes and with my song
Oh Lord, be magnified (bis)
Chorus:
Be magnified, Oh Lord
You are highly exalted
And there is nothing You can't do
Oh Lord, my eyes are on You
Be magnified,
Oh Lord, be magnified
I have leaned on a wisdom of men
Oh Lord, forgive me
And I have responded to them
Instead of Your light and Your mercy
But now, Oh Lord, I see my wrong
Heal my heart and show yourself strong
And in my eyes and in my song
Oh Lord be magnified
Haven't heard nor remembered this song for a long long time! But it's the song for this week I reckon after a really weird, fear ridden week (with death, the reminder that I lost another friend that way a few years ago & I prowled the streets alone at 11 pm!).
I have made You too small in my eyes
Oh Lord, forgive me
And I have believed in a lie
That You are unable to help me.
But now, Oh Lord, I see my wrong
Heal my heart and show Yourself strong
And in my eyes and with my song
Oh Lord, be magnified (bis)
Chorus:
Be magnified, Oh Lord
You are highly exalted
And there is nothing You can't do
Oh Lord, my eyes are on You
Be magnified,
Oh Lord, be magnified
I have leaned on a wisdom of men
Oh Lord, forgive me
And I have responded to them
Instead of Your light and Your mercy
But now, Oh Lord, I see my wrong
Heal my heart and show yourself strong
And in my eyes and in my song
Oh Lord be magnified
Thursday, May 31, 2007
While it is easy..
...to gloss over Lina Joy's case cuz
1) it doesn't change anything for me
2) so what?
3) it's good debate and reading material
4) merely something to think about
& especially because our newspapers report it as if it's just merely a landmark case, a test of the judiciary, impersonal...
I forget that behind it all is a woman who's making true sacrifice.
Because more than just the verdict, but the consequence of the verdict.
Would you fight it even if it meant you couldn't get married to your beloved for 7 long years?
What's she going to do now?
A faceless hero.
1) it doesn't change anything for me
2) so what?
3) it's good debate and reading material
4) merely something to think about
& especially because our newspapers report it as if it's just merely a landmark case, a test of the judiciary, impersonal...
I forget that behind it all is a woman who's making true sacrifice.
Because more than just the verdict, but the consequence of the verdict.
Would you fight it even if it meant you couldn't get married to your beloved for 7 long years?
What's she going to do now?
A faceless hero.
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
Meeting a celebritiy
Again, the clinic is never short of surprises...
Was in a consult and as he talked, I had a feeling I've read about this somewhere....
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/asia-pacific/6676267.stm
And true enough it was the man in person.
Was in a consult and as he talked, I had a feeling I've read about this somewhere....
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/asia-pacific/6676267.stm
And true enough it was the man in person.
Monday, May 28, 2007
Oversight
The wheels squeak pass and the music blares.
Shinny colourful packages scream "Pick me!"
Rows and rows of dehydrated "bad for your health but you eat it anyway" noodles with every kind of imaginable flavour are on display. You search for a familiar name.
"Ah ha!" It's here after all!
Images of a cold winter night with a bowl of hot steaming goodness fills your mind. Red slurply spiciness is the remedy to all cold blahs.
Woolworth ain't that bad after all you think.
And you pay for it. And bring it home. And put it in your cupboard. Oblivious.
And only after a while when you actually want to cook it you realize with a gasp...
"IT'S NOT MAGGI CURRY!"
The impostor!
Thankfully you're not greedy & only bought 1 packet!
And as a punishment, the impostor sits unopened in a dark cupboard because somehow tomato flavoured maggi just doesn't sound appealing.
:)
Shinny colourful packages scream "Pick me!"
Rows and rows of dehydrated "bad for your health but you eat it anyway" noodles with every kind of imaginable flavour are on display. You search for a familiar name.
"Ah ha!" It's here after all!
Images of a cold winter night with a bowl of hot steaming goodness fills your mind. Red slurply spiciness is the remedy to all cold blahs.
Woolworth ain't that bad after all you think.
And you pay for it. And bring it home. And put it in your cupboard. Oblivious.
And only after a while when you actually want to cook it you realize with a gasp...
"IT'S NOT MAGGI CURRY!"
The impostor!Thankfully you're not greedy & only bought 1 packet!
And as a punishment, the impostor sits unopened in a dark cupboard because somehow tomato flavoured maggi just doesn't sound appealing.
:)
Friday, May 25, 2007
Peel back a bit more
"Oh you are going back even though hols are just for 2 weeks?"
A rush of heat, a prickle of anger escapes.
A dozen of comebacks form.
A sarcastic thought pops "oh, how I wish I was going back simply because I am spoilt and because I have nothing better to do with my money. But I'm going back because she has cancer."
But she decides, just keep quiet, it's not intended after all. Gulp down.
A random article pops in the paper.
An author with the same cancer. Same type even. Same treatment, and twice reoccurance even with treatment.
Another sinking feeling.
People mill about.
How are yous are thrown.
She hesitates.
I'll save my story for another day.
The battle she's fought to be strong.
The distance she deliberately created.
She will not be like other girls who cling on, pester.
No, she won't beg.
She'll stand on her own two feet if he won't stand with her.
The inner wars.
To not blame God. To not blame anyone.
To not blame herself.
To not demand answers.
To still try and try and try to see that there is, there is a silver lining in life.
And maybe that's why the sky does seem bluer, and the flowers brighter,
because when everything has been taken away, the little things become precious.
She knows many will not understand.
But she understands as well why many don't.
She didn't after all, she was far too overwhelmed complaining about exams, about futures of international medical students overseas, where she'll work, about bgrs, about studies, about vista and crappy imu food even! (haha)...about everything worth complaining about until cancer hit her.
And now she truly gets it.
It really hurts.
It really really does.
This is what real pain feels like.
Other things are really frivolous.
She's still tempted at times to think that she has the worst lot in life.
And she knows how dangerous it can be.
After all, no one will fault her for being bitter. Who dares to say anything against her when the word cancer is attached to her last name. She can get away with a lot of complaining! :)
And she knows how judgmental she can be as well when hearing other people's complaints, forgetting that she was once at the same place.
But she knows, she is blessed despite all that has happened.
She won't complain about the cold spell because her patients don't even have a house.
How can she even compare? A man who had swollen legs all the way to his knees because he walked all night because he didn't have a home; it was too dangerous to sleep at night because he'd be raped.
Yes she wished she didn't have to walk alone, yet when she hear the stories of those who were beaten, betrayed and sold on the streets by those they love, she knows their pain is far, far deeper.
Some days she succeeds.
Far more good days than bad now.
Sometimes it still painful. Really painful. She knows most will gloss it over, and again she knows no one understands except those who have walked such paths.
And despite how independent she'd like to be, she knows she can't do it perfectly.
She's still human, she's still a girl.
But because she can't, God can.
A rush of heat, a prickle of anger escapes.
A dozen of comebacks form.
A sarcastic thought pops "oh, how I wish I was going back simply because I am spoilt and because I have nothing better to do with my money. But I'm going back because she has cancer."
But she decides, just keep quiet, it's not intended after all. Gulp down.
A random article pops in the paper.
An author with the same cancer. Same type even. Same treatment, and twice reoccurance even with treatment.
Another sinking feeling.
People mill about.
How are yous are thrown.
She hesitates.
I'll save my story for another day.
The battle she's fought to be strong.
The distance she deliberately created.
She will not be like other girls who cling on, pester.
No, she won't beg.
She'll stand on her own two feet if he won't stand with her.
The inner wars.
To not blame God. To not blame anyone.
To not blame herself.
To not demand answers.
To still try and try and try to see that there is, there is a silver lining in life.
And maybe that's why the sky does seem bluer, and the flowers brighter,
because when everything has been taken away, the little things become precious.
She knows many will not understand.
But she understands as well why many don't.
She didn't after all, she was far too overwhelmed complaining about exams, about futures of international medical students overseas, where she'll work, about bgrs, about studies, about vista and crappy imu food even! (haha)...about everything worth complaining about until cancer hit her.
And now she truly gets it.
It really hurts.
It really really does.
This is what real pain feels like.
Other things are really frivolous.
She's still tempted at times to think that she has the worst lot in life.
And she knows how dangerous it can be.
After all, no one will fault her for being bitter. Who dares to say anything against her when the word cancer is attached to her last name. She can get away with a lot of complaining! :)
And she knows how judgmental she can be as well when hearing other people's complaints, forgetting that she was once at the same place.
But she knows, she is blessed despite all that has happened.
She won't complain about the cold spell because her patients don't even have a house.
How can she even compare? A man who had swollen legs all the way to his knees because he walked all night because he didn't have a home; it was too dangerous to sleep at night because he'd be raped.
Yes she wished she didn't have to walk alone, yet when she hear the stories of those who were beaten, betrayed and sold on the streets by those they love, she knows their pain is far, far deeper.
Some days she succeeds.
Far more good days than bad now.
Sometimes it still painful. Really painful. She knows most will gloss it over, and again she knows no one understands except those who have walked such paths.
And despite how independent she'd like to be, she knows she can't do it perfectly.
She's still human, she's still a girl.
But because she can't, God can.
Thursday, May 24, 2007
A picture or two
I really really love the scene around my hospital.
Paddington/Oxford Street/Darlinghurst is just amazing; retro 2nd hand bookshops where you can buy paperback murder mysteries for Aud1!, quirky small cafes with amazing varieties of coffee (decaf soy vanilla latte anyone?), posh stand alone boutiques. Thai eateries, Italian restaurants, Sushi corners, Indian takeaways, organic foodshop.
Beautiful parks & quaint little houses. Lots of vibe: UNSW art school & the National Gallery nearby. Unique ancient buildings yet only 10 min walk to the city.
This place has the highest concentration of g@y/alternative lifestyle. Mardi Gras starts here every year. The rainbow colours represents the alternative lifestyle & something new I found out: carrying an umbrella with rainbow colours is a symbol of support.
This is my hospital: modern & sleek
& the classical looking medical education building which is the former hospital building. & they r side by side each other
The park opposite the hospital.It's just sooo pretty and nice, I love my walks from the bus to the hospital. But the contrast is unbelievable... while it's quite an expensive area because it's in the city it's also a hot spot for drug use and homelessness. While walking 2 days ago, I saw a dead body & police in the park. Which is really such a shame because the hospital was just less than 20 meters away!
And this doesn't even cover my placement location 5 min away from the hospital, which is even more hip & interesting!
The experience is just confronting, amazing & never boring!
today someone OD in the toilet & thankfully someone else realized & saved the man's life.
Yea, basically I'm at a s3x & drug clinic at K1ngscro$ (symbols r deliberate to prevent search engine spammers)
K1ng's Cro$s has for a long time been known to most Australians as the drugs and red light capital of Australia. Most Australians who have visited $ydney at one time or another have wandered through the Cross, if only for a look at how the "other half" live and play. In recent years, however, this sleezy pocket of Sydney has started to evolve, albeit ever so slowly, into a richly vibrant part of the city. The strip clubs, tople$s waitresses, adult bookshops and tacky nightclubs are still there, but small, trendy cafes have sprung up on the fringes of the Cross that are attracting a different type of visitor. The Cross is most sleazy at night, when the bright lights come on and the action hots up. During the day it can look a lot less threatening.
Visitors to the area should be careful, especially at night, as people do get mugged here. The other thing to be careful of is the spuikers outside nightclubs: they can be intimidating and aggressive and have been a problem in recent times.
from: http://www.sydney.com.au/kingsx.htmWednesday, May 16, 2007
God given
Guess where I am at for 6 weeks for my society & health placement?
And what's really amazing about this is that I was not given a choice on where to go and was randomly placed BUT, you can't escape where God wants you to be I guess.
There's just so much to see & experience, to reflect as a Christian on how much love is needed, on how confronting it can be, and yet precisely because of this so many Christians are needed in this field. I thought I have seen everything in KL, but no I am proven wrong!
Was both nauseated by the scale of things but also so much more aware and in awe of Jesus because this is where he would be, this is where he would have ministered. It's a good jolt to the system, to be reminded and to be soft hearted.
Yup, would want to put in pics of the place and all so I won't want to spoil the surprise of where my placement is at...haha, though some would probably guess already.
Just a teaser: On the 1st day of my placement we had a sit down with the manager to be briefed on the policies we have to obey. Expected it to be: be professional, turn up on time etc, the usual....
BUT, no...turns out my partner and I had to sign a form that..........we will not have sex with our clients (patients) or solicit sex from them.
yea...
And what's really amazing about this is that I was not given a choice on where to go and was randomly placed BUT, you can't escape where God wants you to be I guess.
There's just so much to see & experience, to reflect as a Christian on how much love is needed, on how confronting it can be, and yet precisely because of this so many Christians are needed in this field. I thought I have seen everything in KL, but no I am proven wrong!
Was both nauseated by the scale of things but also so much more aware and in awe of Jesus because this is where he would be, this is where he would have ministered. It's a good jolt to the system, to be reminded and to be soft hearted.
Yup, would want to put in pics of the place and all so I won't want to spoil the surprise of where my placement is at...haha, though some would probably guess already.
Just a teaser: On the 1st day of my placement we had a sit down with the manager to be briefed on the policies we have to obey. Expected it to be: be professional, turn up on time etc, the usual....
BUT, no...turns out my partner and I had to sign a form that..........we will not have sex with our clients (patients) or solicit sex from them.
yea...
Monday, May 14, 2007
Saturday, May 12, 2007
Never payable debt
A mother is a person who seeing there are only four pieces of pie for five people, promptly announces she never did care for pie. ~ Tenneva Jordan
Thursday, May 10, 2007
Such is..
Don't know if to write about this or not; don't want to sound really wonderful or anything because it's totally not because of me but inspite of me...
but it's been hanging around in my head for the past few days because it's so unreal when God actually moves that it's hard to actually believe...
Anyway, 2 weeks ago I went to sit in with the geriatrician for the his day clinic. His last patient was an elderly woman who's facing a lot of stress since the death of her husband 2 years ago from cancer. It was an assessment consult so the doctor spent considerable time doing history taking, diagnosed her with affective depression and started her on SSRIs.
She left the room, I had a quick round up with the doctor and then went to the toilet with the intention of going for lunch after that.
It so happenned that I met her in the toilet and started chatting to her a bit more (hmm..ladies and toilets=long wait, haha). Just as I was walking out, she said that she was going to have Japanese for lunch nearby and asked if I would like to join her.
The first thought that came to my mind was that it wasn't such a good idea to have overly personalized student & patient relationships, especially with a depressed patient. Plus, Japanese lunch=$$, not particularly economical. Was about to call my friend to meet up for lunch like we normally do too. (Oh and I should add, I actually made lunch but forgot to take it out of the fridge which is not something I usually forget to do)
So I declined her offer and tried to call my friend.
But something inside of me prompted me to cancel my plans and have lunch with her.
The phrase "for such a time as this" just flashed past me, somehow.
Ran after her a bit, and off we went for lunch.
Talked about family, her daily routines, hobbies, about her husband.
Ordered lunch, talked some more.
She was facing a lot of stress from grief and also as her children were not in Australia. Her children also had marital problems, she was very concerned for her grandchildren.
While I was eating (a nice sushi lunch btw!) I was thinking of ways to try and slip in something about Jesus & praying for a suitable/appropriate opportunity. Yet it was hard, because I didn't want to take advantage of a patient's illness (esp depression) and forcefully push it.
but yea...God does have a sense of humor and works when we least expect Him to
cuz just as we were about to finish, suddenly out of the blue she says
"So what do you think about Buddhism and Christianity?"
Seriously it was totally unexpected because no where in our conversation prior did we come close to even talking about religion!
Went on to have a bit of a discussion about on what she thought and what I thought. Shared a bit about Jesus and the cross. A bit about my family's crisis. I must confess I'm still not really good in these things. I don't know if our conversation made a whole lot of impact, but as she mentioned she had a bible at home, did ask her to read if she had time.
But it was just the way God orchestrated the whole lunch which amazes me.
Just a side note: She even paid for my sushi lunch, even after I paid the waitress. She took the money and gave it back to me.
Yea, God does have a sense of good humor and wonder. :)
but it's been hanging around in my head for the past few days because it's so unreal when God actually moves that it's hard to actually believe...
Anyway, 2 weeks ago I went to sit in with the geriatrician for the his day clinic. His last patient was an elderly woman who's facing a lot of stress since the death of her husband 2 years ago from cancer. It was an assessment consult so the doctor spent considerable time doing history taking, diagnosed her with affective depression and started her on SSRIs.
She left the room, I had a quick round up with the doctor and then went to the toilet with the intention of going for lunch after that.
It so happenned that I met her in the toilet and started chatting to her a bit more (hmm..ladies and toilets=long wait, haha). Just as I was walking out, she said that she was going to have Japanese for lunch nearby and asked if I would like to join her.
The first thought that came to my mind was that it wasn't such a good idea to have overly personalized student & patient relationships, especially with a depressed patient. Plus, Japanese lunch=$$, not particularly economical. Was about to call my friend to meet up for lunch like we normally do too. (Oh and I should add, I actually made lunch but forgot to take it out of the fridge which is not something I usually forget to do)
So I declined her offer and tried to call my friend.
But something inside of me prompted me to cancel my plans and have lunch with her.
The phrase "for such a time as this" just flashed past me, somehow.
Ran after her a bit, and off we went for lunch.
Talked about family, her daily routines, hobbies, about her husband.
Ordered lunch, talked some more.
She was facing a lot of stress from grief and also as her children were not in Australia. Her children also had marital problems, she was very concerned for her grandchildren.
While I was eating (a nice sushi lunch btw!) I was thinking of ways to try and slip in something about Jesus & praying for a suitable/appropriate opportunity. Yet it was hard, because I didn't want to take advantage of a patient's illness (esp depression) and forcefully push it.
but yea...God does have a sense of humor and works when we least expect Him to
cuz just as we were about to finish, suddenly out of the blue she says
"So what do you think about Buddhism and Christianity?"
Seriously it was totally unexpected because no where in our conversation prior did we come close to even talking about religion!
Went on to have a bit of a discussion about on what she thought and what I thought. Shared a bit about Jesus and the cross. A bit about my family's crisis. I must confess I'm still not really good in these things. I don't know if our conversation made a whole lot of impact, but as she mentioned she had a bible at home, did ask her to read if she had time.
But it was just the way God orchestrated the whole lunch which amazes me.
Just a side note: She even paid for my sushi lunch, even after I paid the waitress. She took the money and gave it back to me.
Yea, God does have a sense of good humor and wonder. :)
Wednesday, May 09, 2007
Monday, April 30, 2007
Who says we are all nerds?
I'm in the library right now killing time but when I read this, I can't help but log on just to blog about this!
From: Multiple Choice Questions in Clincal Examination (Talley & O'Connor 1996)
Question 2-10:
The clinical term 'shock' has a rather different meaning from that in common use. Causes of medically defined shock include:
a) coming across a completely unexpected question in the final examination
b) myocardial infarction
c) anaphylaxis
d) angina
e) Gram-negative sepsis
I hope you get the touch of irony in the question!
Haha.
Reminds me of the story Prof Allistair Randwick told us to an answer a student wrote in an exam paper:
Give the defination of shock.
Ans: Unexpected surprise.
From: Multiple Choice Questions in Clincal Examination (Talley & O'Connor 1996)
Question 2-10:
The clinical term 'shock' has a rather different meaning from that in common use. Causes of medically defined shock include:
a) coming across a completely unexpected question in the final examination
b) myocardial infarction
c) anaphylaxis
d) angina
e) Gram-negative sepsis
I hope you get the touch of irony in the question!
Haha.
Reminds me of the story Prof Allistair Randwick told us to an answer a student wrote in an exam paper:
Give the defination of shock.
Ans: Unexpected surprise.
Wednesday, April 25, 2007
Feels a bit more like home
DUMC Cg in Vista used to be really fun sometimes, where I'd laugh too much or drink caffeine in mamaks & become too alert to fall sleep...(yea guys I really do miss you all!)
But thankfully bible study group is becoming more familiar and comfortable now.
It's still different; we don't sing songs in bible study and it's not a topical bible study, don't have all the testimony/sharing slot too..and although most of my bible study is Asian (which is the exception in Unichurch), they are all ABCs...
....it's actually a good sign that I can't sleep at 1.11 am now even though I have to wake up at 6+ plus tomorrow cuz I had so much fun screaming & laughing while playing monopoly.
Red Pizza night: where every1 brings random toppings
Monopoly at my place
But thankfully bible study group is becoming more familiar and comfortable now.
It's still different; we don't sing songs in bible study and it's not a topical bible study, don't have all the testimony/sharing slot too..and although most of my bible study is Asian (which is the exception in Unichurch), they are all ABCs...
....it's actually a good sign that I can't sleep at 1.11 am now even though I have to wake up at 6+ plus tomorrow cuz I had so much fun screaming & laughing while playing monopoly.
Red Pizza night: where every1 brings random toppings
Monopoly at my place
Monday, April 16, 2007
Choice
After nearly 2 months of visiting around and sometimes attending church in the morning at somewhere else, at night at another.....I've finally made the choice to be at Unichurch.
It was really hard to make this decision. The "style" of churches here are very denominational based; it's either all....
I do miss DUMC, where there's a good balance of being charismatic yet bible based with good sermons.
Church A is very worship based; famous, great music, big.
Unichurch is the complete opposite; where people rarely clap hands but with solid sermons; almost like bible college!
It's not easy to decide which because both had their advantages. I didn't want to miss out on the freedom to express & my charismatic roots but at the same time I wanted good word. For a few weeks I was running around confused! Some Sundays I'd say I want to be here, yet at other times I wanted to be at the other.
But that's what choices are all about. It finally dawned upon me that sometimes I can't have everything. At least not in this world; where human systems and even church systems are not fully perfect. Not in Australia, not in Malaysia even.
And the importance of focus & season.
I realize that this is the only few years I can actually join Unichurch because I won't be at uni after that. And this is also the time to dig deep into the word; especially for a noob like me...
To join a "mixed" church as well, to be humble enough to learn to adapt to different cultures.
It doesn't make the decision any easier because it's quite different (not necessarily in a bad way, but simply because it's different from what I'm used to) where there's no lifting of hands; let alone the other more "charismatic" beliefs. I don't even know most of the songs they sing here...a bit of hymns, their own EMU music (I've never sung much hymns in church before)
And it's 80% white and the rest of the Asians are ABCs. I'm still tongue-tied at times because the topics of conversation are so different!
No more laughing at lame jokes; bye to the lahs...
But I guess that what choices are all about.
To be decisive & to be brave enough to accept that for this season, there are certain things I'll miss because I'm making this choice. Yet to trust God that He will grow & bless other areas as a result of this decision.
*this is a personal observation on churches, and is not a comparison on which church is better than the other or which style is better/should be adopted. Both churches are good. Neither a Australia or M'sia church comparison as different places have different cultures & cater accordingly to the needs of its people. *
It was really hard to make this decision. The "style" of churches here are very denominational based; it's either all....
I do miss DUMC, where there's a good balance of being charismatic yet bible based with good sermons.
Church A is very worship based; famous, great music, big.
Unichurch is the complete opposite; where people rarely clap hands but with solid sermons; almost like bible college!
It's not easy to decide which because both had their advantages. I didn't want to miss out on the freedom to express & my charismatic roots but at the same time I wanted good word. For a few weeks I was running around confused! Some Sundays I'd say I want to be here, yet at other times I wanted to be at the other.
But that's what choices are all about. It finally dawned upon me that sometimes I can't have everything. At least not in this world; where human systems and even church systems are not fully perfect. Not in Australia, not in Malaysia even.
And the importance of focus & season.
I realize that this is the only few years I can actually join Unichurch because I won't be at uni after that. And this is also the time to dig deep into the word; especially for a noob like me...
To join a "mixed" church as well, to be humble enough to learn to adapt to different cultures.
It doesn't make the decision any easier because it's quite different (not necessarily in a bad way, but simply because it's different from what I'm used to) where there's no lifting of hands; let alone the other more "charismatic" beliefs. I don't even know most of the songs they sing here...a bit of hymns, their own EMU music (I've never sung much hymns in church before)
And it's 80% white and the rest of the Asians are ABCs. I'm still tongue-tied at times because the topics of conversation are so different!
No more laughing at lame jokes; bye to the lahs...
But I guess that what choices are all about.
To be decisive & to be brave enough to accept that for this season, there are certain things I'll miss because I'm making this choice. Yet to trust God that He will grow & bless other areas as a result of this decision.
*this is a personal observation on churches, and is not a comparison on which church is better than the other or which style is better/should be adopted. Both churches are good. Neither a Australia or M'sia church comparison as different places have different cultures & cater accordingly to the needs of its people. *
Wednesday, April 11, 2007
Food craze
(smoked salmon with cheese, mushrooms, greens and olive oil.......all for less than Aud 2)I'm becoming a domesticated old lady: I love to go grocery shopping, love to *cough* cook.....and have started to arrange my clothes by their colour when I hang them! (ugh..)
Sunday, April 08, 2007
Tuesday, April 03, 2007
Red
It''s turned red! and my flowers have not died too..... :)Palliative care has a way of invoking the most hidden feelings. Even had a tutorial where they brought in a woman who loss her husband to colorectal cancer to talk about their journey. And she sobbed and sobbed.
To always be heard
To not be abandoned.
To always be heard
To not be abandoned.
but anyway.
if u r wondering, that's the balcony from my room. Yea, my place rocks..haha..pics of the place sometime later
Sunday, April 01, 2007
It's Good!
"Do you realize you are in a profession paid to love people, paid to serve people?"
"50% of med students drift away from church in med school, and another 5o-70% from the remainder drop away during internship years....are you going to be part of that statistic?"
"Our calling is just not to be a convert, but a follower"
"I am thinking of being a GP because I can have more time for my patients and even work 4 day weeks so that I can minister in church." from one of my friends.... & I am so blown away because in the Malaysian culture, being a GP is the leftover option we take if we can't get speciality training
"To have compassion for your patients, you must first have passion for God."
I've just got back from a camp specially for med & dental students in NSW & ACT and
-To have doctors and doctor-missionaries share their lives; specially voluntering to come to speak
-Doctors who really love their work, the people we normally read about in books speaking in person & who are so eager to help us blur students
-To have & be under an organization (CMDFA/Transfusion) that has a mentor-doctor list & lots of contacts so that students can go to Africa/Asia
-Students who are really eager to go the extra mile; my 6th year seniors went to Africa and Papua New Guenia last year!
......it's all really good
For a "i'm so new i don't know any1" noob like me it was also good to get to know the UNSW ppl a lot better as well...we the 4th year girls are thinking of going to either China or Africa for electives together! (if we can get the same elective block though..)
And now the dilema is not "how to arrange elective/trips overseas" but rather "every place sounds really challenging and exciting..how do I make up my mind?!"
(the towel represents servanthood)
PS: Do continue to pray for my family though...while I'm having things good here, it's still a struggle at home......
Wednesday, March 28, 2007
It's times like this..
...when the 75 year old man you're clerking while trying to understand what he's saying in his thick Polish accent, all of a sudden pauses mid sentence and chokes up..and cries, and cries....
grace.
grace.
Friday, March 23, 2007
Whoosh
I don't know if it's this particular rotation or it'll be the same for the rest of the year but things are really busy! Especially in Vinnies (yea, the aussies love to give nick names).
On average, I leave home at 715 and come back at 630! And still find that I don't have enough time to clerk patients or schedule other tasks we need to do. Lina and I were contemplating of coming back on Sat just to fit in some things. Things are a bit more laid back at Prince of Wales hospital though, I often leave before my housemate even wakes up and come back to find my housemate playing his games online...
But Oncology rotation has really been good. I've learnt a lot more, especially human-wise (does such a word exist?! haha). And be challenged to verbalize Jesus.
Even though I often say that I want to be a doctor who uses her occupation as a means to share the gospel, I'm often too cowardly or too polite to really talk about Jesus; so I end up being very courteous and try to be caring....which is not wrong but at the end of the day, the patient just thinks I'm a nice medical student..and that's about all.
Yet because of how my family has been affected and all, I am little bit bolder now.
Because I think there's nothing to lose
I won't say I'm that great in sharing about God..haha..still very awkward and stiff. And sometimes too busy to really talk to the patients about how they are feeling.
My patient was discharged yesterday for palliative care at home. He has been really helpful to me to allow me to ask him endless questions and examine him even though he's terminally ill. Wanted to see him just before he got discharged and pray for him..but he was already discharged by the time I got there. Too bad I thought; walked down to go home.....and low and behold, he and his wife were at the reception area walking to go to their car!
Anyway, all I did was to pray for his wife. In the parking lot. Don't even know what to pray for without sounding insensitive. Don't know what diff it makes. But it's a big improvement for a coward like me. ;)
Look at my chilli plant! Won't need to buy chillis if this succeeds. I hope it doesn't die on me though...always forget to water it when I get home late.
On average, I leave home at 715 and come back at 630! And still find that I don't have enough time to clerk patients or schedule other tasks we need to do. Lina and I were contemplating of coming back on Sat just to fit in some things. Things are a bit more laid back at Prince of Wales hospital though, I often leave before my housemate even wakes up and come back to find my housemate playing his games online...
But Oncology rotation has really been good. I've learnt a lot more, especially human-wise (does such a word exist?! haha). And be challenged to verbalize Jesus.
Even though I often say that I want to be a doctor who uses her occupation as a means to share the gospel, I'm often too cowardly or too polite to really talk about Jesus; so I end up being very courteous and try to be caring....which is not wrong but at the end of the day, the patient just thinks I'm a nice medical student..and that's about all.
Yet because of how my family has been affected and all, I am little bit bolder now.
Because I think there's nothing to lose
I won't say I'm that great in sharing about God..haha..still very awkward and stiff. And sometimes too busy to really talk to the patients about how they are feeling.
My patient was discharged yesterday for palliative care at home. He has been really helpful to me to allow me to ask him endless questions and examine him even though he's terminally ill. Wanted to see him just before he got discharged and pray for him..but he was already discharged by the time I got there. Too bad I thought; walked down to go home.....and low and behold, he and his wife were at the reception area walking to go to their car!
Anyway, all I did was to pray for his wife. In the parking lot. Don't even know what to pray for without sounding insensitive. Don't know what diff it makes. But it's a big improvement for a coward like me. ;)
Look at my chilli plant! Won't need to buy chillis if this succeeds. I hope it doesn't die on me though...always forget to water it when I get home late.
Tuesday, March 20, 2007
Ah..yes..
Finally get to put some pics!
Weekend away with unichurch at Gerringong..Awesome beach. Quite cool bible study: we did a study on Leviticus. Yea, I know...Leviticus?!? But really learnt lots about the significance of all the mold, lambs and unclean this & that...I guess not a book that should be brushed off after all.
My favourite pic of the bridge
Melbourne!
Walking the Harbour Bridge on the 75th Anniversary of the coat hanger (yea, that's what they call it here)
Weekend away with unichurch at Gerringong..Awesome beach. Quite cool bible study: we did a study on Leviticus. Yea, I know...Leviticus?!? But really learnt lots about the significance of all the mold, lambs and unclean this & that...I guess not a book that should be brushed off after all.
My favourite pic of the bridge
Melbourne!
We were doing an amazing race round the city...that accounts for the funny dress up which was part of the task in 1 of the pics. Really good idea by the Focus church; we had pit stops at the landmarks in Sydney & at 1 point had to sing Amazing grace while walking down Darling Harbour.
Sunday, March 18, 2007
oh great
i'm sitting in the computer room now in Uni and trying hard to stop my eyes from running...
really embarrasing actually..
sigh i just don't know why must I be still stuck with the same old same old.
even when i've totally given up already..
better leave now before it starts flooding
really embarrasing actually..
sigh i just don't know why must I be still stuck with the same old same old.
even when i've totally given up already..
better leave now before it starts flooding
Tuesday, March 13, 2007
Give me my internet
3 weeks ago we had to wait for internet to be connected.
Then the internet got connected but my computer decided to die on me.
And even after 2 visits by the techicians & endless phone calls and 2 weeks of waiting, my com is still not fixed.
Which would be ok, because no one dies of internet deprivation...except that UNSW has this really high tech system where all the lecture notes, class timetables, case tutorial readups and more importantly clinical school teaching sessions (which may change everyday) are all online...
anyway, guess what block I'm starting on; of all the things to start with..!
Agings and endings (which is the term they use here for pallitative, cancer and aged care)
somehow....my face gets a little hot when breast Ca is mentioned in lectures. And wow great, Ca breast is the among the most common and thus most oft mentioned ca.
There's no escaping it I guess.
but it's still good. still good. by grace.
Then the internet got connected but my computer decided to die on me.
And even after 2 visits by the techicians & endless phone calls and 2 weeks of waiting, my com is still not fixed.
Which would be ok, because no one dies of internet deprivation...except that UNSW has this really high tech system where all the lecture notes, class timetables, case tutorial readups and more importantly clinical school teaching sessions (which may change everyday) are all online...
anyway, guess what block I'm starting on; of all the things to start with..!
Agings and endings (which is the term they use here for pallitative, cancer and aged care)
somehow....my face gets a little hot when breast Ca is mentioned in lectures. And wow great, Ca breast is the among the most common and thus most oft mentioned ca.
There's no escaping it I guess.
but it's still good. still good. by grace.
Thursday, March 08, 2007
Busted
Cuz it was such a short trip after all, I didn't bother telling anyone that I won't be home..
plus everyone so far has been assuming that I live with a girl
..so on monday my grandmother came to my flat to find 1 guy there.
on a weekday no less!
must be thinking I cut class a lot. (I really did have 2 days off! haha)
I hope she won't pop by this weekend cuz I'm going away again..
plus everyone so far has been assuming that I live with a girl
..so on monday my grandmother came to my flat to find 1 guy there.
on a weekday no less!
must be thinking I cut class a lot. (I really did have 2 days off! haha)
I hope she won't pop by this weekend cuz I'm going away again..
Wednesday, March 07, 2007
Thursday, March 01, 2007
Weird
Just a glimpse of how different medicine in UNSW is run......
...........I DON'T have written exams ANYMORE. Zero SAQs, MCQs, essays. (not a single paper all the way up to graduation!). IMU Sem5 is now officially my last written exam till I get called a doctor.
emm..I don't know if that's good or bad, cuz everything will be tested in VIVAs & OSCEs!!
haha, better get used to working under pressure I guess.
...........I DON'T have written exams ANYMORE. Zero SAQs, MCQs, essays. (not a single paper all the way up to graduation!). IMU Sem5 is now officially my last written exam till I get called a doctor.
emm..I don't know if that's good or bad, cuz everything will be tested in VIVAs & OSCEs!!
haha, better get used to working under pressure I guess.
Sunday, February 25, 2007
New flat, new place
There's something worst than being a IMU student joining the current students in the middle......
.......it's being a 1st batch IMU student!
"Oh so you are doing med...in 1st year? No? In 4th year? Are you sure?"
"Huh? You're transferring into 4th year? Can you do that?" (with disbelieving looks)
"Has UNSW accepted you?"
"I've never heard that that's possible!"
Nobody knows about IMU, and think that we're random ppl suddenly applying to join UNSW. *_*
but nvm, it's all good. After all the drama of being in a life or death situation, I guess one good thing I've learnt is to not complain so much about anything else.
Anyway the big agenda now is to find a church...please pray that I can find a suitable church! Been to 3 churches now, & I feel that churches here are at either extremes...nothing wrong with that, but am looking for something in between.
There's something special about to be delivered to my flat! ;)
And am going for a really crazy "I will never do it if it was not for someone" trip!
Just a few random pics.
From left:
1) Alan's 21st
2) CNY Reunion food
3) All the girl cousins
4) Fusion CNY Dinner; 1 glass is enough, thank you..haha, not a bubbly fan
5) Relatives
6) Again
7) Dim Sum with grandparents
8) "O" (Orientation week) It's like a big carnival here! Lots of free stuff & music & games
9) Jason at uni. Meeting up with IMU students all the way here
Oops that's all for now. Am fighting the temptation to leech off ppl's wireless!
Won't get internet till a few weeks time!
.......it's being a 1st batch IMU student!
"Oh so you are doing med...in 1st year? No? In 4th year? Are you sure?"
"Huh? You're transferring into 4th year? Can you do that?" (with disbelieving looks)
"Has UNSW accepted you?"
"I've never heard that that's possible!"
Nobody knows about IMU, and think that we're random ppl suddenly applying to join UNSW. *_*
but nvm, it's all good. After all the drama of being in a life or death situation, I guess one good thing I've learnt is to not complain so much about anything else.
Anyway the big agenda now is to find a church...please pray that I can find a suitable church! Been to 3 churches now, & I feel that churches here are at either extremes...nothing wrong with that, but am looking for something in between.
There's something special about to be delivered to my flat! ;)
And am going for a really crazy "I will never do it if it was not for someone" trip!
Just a few random pics.
From left:1) Alan's 21st
2) CNY Reunion food
3) All the girl cousins
4) Fusion CNY Dinner; 1 glass is enough, thank you..haha, not a bubbly fan
5) Relatives
6) Again
7) Dim Sum with grandparents
8) "O" (Orientation week) It's like a big carnival here! Lots of free stuff & music & games
9) Jason at uni. Meeting up with IMU students all the way here
Oops that's all for now. Am fighting the temptation to leech off ppl's wireless!
Won't get internet till a few weeks time!
Monday, February 19, 2007
So...
Just got news on where I'd be posted for a whole year...St Vincent's which is a 10 min bus ride away. It's right in the city near the "gay and funky" area where the Mardi Gras is held (that's what they tell me). Apparently quite a strict hospital.
not really what I had in mind, as I wanted Prince of Wales because it's on campus so that I could attend campus bible study. And I'd be there with just 1 other IMU person. Whereas at POW there would be 3 of us.
but I guess it's ok. :) Just hoping that my 2 lecture days would fall on the days where campus meetings take place.
not really what I had in mind, as I wanted Prince of Wales because it's on campus so that I could attend campus bible study. And I'd be there with just 1 other IMU person. Whereas at POW there would be 3 of us.
but I guess it's ok. :) Just hoping that my 2 lecture days would fall on the days where campus meetings take place.
Saturday, February 17, 2007
One thing I miss
Apart from the usual settling down experience, which is quite mild for me (all thanks to God for placing me in UNSW with lots of relatives) there's something I'm starting to miss....
...which is talking with the Malaysian slang.
the slang here has a low tone (in my option at least) as oppose to the more straightforward (prob due to the bahasa baku influenced) "say it as it is spelled" Malaysian english pronounciation.
And causes a dilema; to talk the normal Malaysian way....and sometimes get asked to repeat because they can't get what I'm saying, or to modify (nicer word for fake..haha) an Oz accent.
Sure miss the lahs & crazy unselfconscious chats.
...which is talking with the Malaysian slang.
the slang here has a low tone (in my option at least) as oppose to the more straightforward (prob due to the bahasa baku influenced) "say it as it is spelled" Malaysian english pronounciation.
And causes a dilema; to talk the normal Malaysian way....and sometimes get asked to repeat because they can't get what I'm saying, or to modify (nicer word for fake..haha) an Oz accent.
Sure miss the lahs & crazy unselfconscious chats.
Wednesday, February 14, 2007
Horrendous into Nice
So, right on the night towards leaving, my mum had a fever of 40C.
Even as I waited for the car to pick me up at 3.30am in the morning, I was half hoping that the car will come late...so I'd have an excuse to cancel my flight.
But now, I'm finally here.
And..it feels really good to start anew in such a beautiful place. :)
The weather's just nice.
Oh yes, what's a post without some humour heh?
I arrived at around 6+ and as my aunt was driving past some shops...I was really surprised to see so many abandoned shops...all dark and boarded up...was thinking to myseld; since when did Sydney become so run down?..
silly me forgot that ALL shops close at 5.
Yea, welcome to Oz.
Even as I waited for the car to pick me up at 3.30am in the morning, I was half hoping that the car will come late...so I'd have an excuse to cancel my flight.
But now, I'm finally here.
And..it feels really good to start anew in such a beautiful place. :)
The weather's just nice.
Oh yes, what's a post without some humour heh?
I arrived at around 6+ and as my aunt was driving past some shops...I was really surprised to see so many abandoned shops...all dark and boarded up...was thinking to myseld; since when did Sydney become so run down?..
silly me forgot that ALL shops close at 5.
Yea, welcome to Oz.
Monday, February 12, 2007
The monster within
It's just 1 night away from leaving and yet, I still manage to mess things up.
Funny how when I think I can do this; that I can survive alone, "trust" God about my mum, forge ahead in totally unknown territory, and when I feel that I am finally ready to stand tall again.....it all crumbles with a minor disruption.
I used to think I was quite brave..haha, eating spiders. Simply going down to Chow Kit. Unafraid to take the most "painful" choices. Dare to try and convince people to be real, to not have synthetic smiles. (I must be choking on my own words now!)
But that was just baby stuff.
This is the real deal......
Somehow the person I thought I was or rather wished I was is just a fragment of my imagination. How the real test of things have exposed the monster within.
A temper I never knew I had, a mask I thought I never needed to put on. How skepticism now creeps in certain areas. Exposed & confronted with the reality that I actually can't cope well under very stressful circumstances.
A shadow of who I thought I was.
But this is not the person I want to remain as.
So even as I type this, totally embarrassed at my own failings...I still want to write about this because the greater the failure, the greater the grace.
And while I might not be able to be as strong as I would like to be, I can still be to be honest & real so that's a choice I'd like to keep. ;)
what a weird farewell post.
^_^
haha.
c yea!
Funny how when I think I can do this; that I can survive alone, "trust" God about my mum, forge ahead in totally unknown territory, and when I feel that I am finally ready to stand tall again.....it all crumbles with a minor disruption.
I used to think I was quite brave..haha, eating spiders. Simply going down to Chow Kit. Unafraid to take the most "painful" choices. Dare to try and convince people to be real, to not have synthetic smiles. (I must be choking on my own words now!)
But that was just baby stuff.
This is the real deal......
Somehow the person I thought I was or rather wished I was is just a fragment of my imagination. How the real test of things have exposed the monster within.
A temper I never knew I had, a mask I thought I never needed to put on. How skepticism now creeps in certain areas. Exposed & confronted with the reality that I actually can't cope well under very stressful circumstances.
A shadow of who I thought I was.
But this is not the person I want to remain as.
So even as I type this, totally embarrassed at my own failings...I still want to write about this because the greater the failure, the greater the grace.
And while I might not be able to be as strong as I would like to be, I can still be to be honest & real so that's a choice I'd like to keep. ;)
what a weird farewell post.
^_^
haha.
c yea!
Friday, February 09, 2007
The time has come
for..
cue suspense music...
Yea yea yea, it's time to *ahem* like what Soon Guan says, camwhore!
Since I think I'd be internetless for 3 weeks soon...I must post these pictures of my really awesome CG. ;)
One with the guys
And the "lame" juniors. Proof of lameness can be found at Crz & Troy's blogs.
Eg:
what disease makes u laugh??
ans : Hep P (copyright, Crz 2007)
yes, it's cool to be lame in IMU.
Yea Soon Guan, just like what the lady said "You'd regret your cheesy post 2 years later."
Ah, the girls!
It's true that I didn't get to know a lot of you better.
Would have loved to hear MORE crapping by M1/06s. Haha
But seriously, to have deeper heart to heart conversations. To help each other through various life turmoils. Have been too overwhelmed by my own and for this, I apologize!
Thanks guys, for bringing variety in my otherwise boring med school life. Haha.
The engineers, the pharmacists, the computer IT specialists, bio specialists, the business tycoons, the mass com cum law trained, the lame doctors.. C yea soon.
cue suspense music...
Yea yea yea, it's time to *ahem* like what Soon Guan says, camwhore!
Since I think I'd be internetless for 3 weeks soon...I must post these pictures of my really awesome CG. ;)
One with the guys
And the "lame" juniors. Proof of lameness can be found at Crz & Troy's blogs.Eg:
what disease makes u laugh??
ans : Hep P (copyright, Crz 2007)
yes, it's cool to be lame in IMU.
Yea Soon Guan, just like what the lady said "You'd regret your cheesy post 2 years later."
Ah, the girls!
It's true that I didn't get to know a lot of you better.
Would have loved to hear MORE crapping by M1/06s. Haha
But seriously, to have deeper heart to heart conversations. To help each other through various life turmoils. Have been too overwhelmed by my own and for this, I apologize!
Thanks guys, for bringing variety in my otherwise boring med school life. Haha.
The engineers, the pharmacists, the computer IT specialists, bio specialists, the business tycoons, the mass com cum law trained, the lame doctors.. C yea soon.
Friday, February 02, 2007
The trip that wasn't
it promised to be a trip with lots of pictures, lots of good food (or so I've heard from the ever patriotic homebred), lots of great company (lame juniors & eating sprees). The last retreat I'd get to join & of all places; we are going...to Sitiawan
it's not that I'm really desperate to go there or anything.
but how ironic/frustrating it is when 1 hour before I'm to leave....yet again, I can't go because of complications.
just 2 days of escapism..from the crushing burden and pain. Yea, sounds so dramatic, "crushing burden and pain" yet it's true. So many complications & extra hospital visits I don't even bother to tell anyone about anymore. Too many to mention. Too painful to recall.
reading & talking to other ppl makes me wish, if only trying to keep the weight limit of 30kgs were the biggest problem that kept me awake, or if exams were the worst thing that could ever happen to my life. How I wish I could rant about uni schedules or the weather. Because I would gladly trade places for their worst problems.
(of course, I know there are others with even worst problems than mine and would probably be rolling their eyes at what I'm writing now)
Life is painful.
The more you win in love, the more you stand to lose.
it's not that I'm really desperate to go there or anything.
but how ironic/frustrating it is when 1 hour before I'm to leave....yet again, I can't go because of complications.
just 2 days of escapism..from the crushing burden and pain. Yea, sounds so dramatic, "crushing burden and pain" yet it's true. So many complications & extra hospital visits I don't even bother to tell anyone about anymore. Too many to mention. Too painful to recall.
reading & talking to other ppl makes me wish, if only trying to keep the weight limit of 30kgs were the biggest problem that kept me awake, or if exams were the worst thing that could ever happen to my life. How I wish I could rant about uni schedules or the weather. Because I would gladly trade places for their worst problems.
(of course, I know there are others with even worst problems than mine and would probably be rolling their eyes at what I'm writing now)
Life is painful.
The more you win in love, the more you stand to lose.
Friday, January 19, 2007
Joy shared is doubled
In all honesty, when the name flashed on my mobile a mixture of hope & cautiousness descended.
Because I can't imagine being at the other end, and the results this time would determine a lot. No more tries after this.
But twice, it was good news.
I know both will be good doctors to be.
And even better followers of Christ.
Am ecstatic for them both.
(& I know the next time I'd be feeling this is when CSAW *yes got it right this time* calls me) ;)
Hearing their relieved voices, I guess perhaps all the whys fade away when the final reward is granted..
Because I can't imagine being at the other end, and the results this time would determine a lot. No more tries after this.
But twice, it was good news.
I know both will be good doctors to be.
And even better followers of Christ.
Am ecstatic for them both.
(& I know the next time I'd be feeling this is when CSAW *yes got it right this time* calls me) ;)
Hearing their relieved voices, I guess perhaps all the whys fade away when the final reward is granted..
Thursday, January 18, 2007
While this is not my time...
Sigh, I really wish I can go but I just can't right now.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
From the email:
I have spoken with Rev Timothy regarding how many teams they can host for this coming weekend.
His feedback is 3 teams of 10 people each. These 30 people need to be able-bodied and be able to lift things and do work, as there will be clean-up work as well as distribution of provisions / assistance at relief centres involved. After this weekend, they'd be able to gauge the manpower and provisions needs for the next few weekends.
All 3 teams will have to set off from PJ at around 5:30 am Saturday morning, as it takes about 4 hrs to get to Skudai. They will have to bring sleeping bags with them, and will be housed by JB Wesley Methodist Members or at the church itself. Please be prepared to be flexible and accommodating.
The 3 teams will also need to bring provisions, the special supplies which they have requested. Pr Daniel's instructions are that they can purchase the supplies first and claim from the DUMC Emergency Relief Fund when they return. (need to claim with receipts) He suggested that each team buys about RM2 -3 K worth first for this trip. After this trip the teams will be able to tell how much more is needed.
Team One
From Skudai, one team will work with Pr Thomas Fang (Emmanuel Assembly of God) to do clean up work, and to visit flood relief centres to help. They are helping with Kampung Laut, Skudai, which was the village featured on TV3 on the 8 pm news last night. That village was devastated by the recent floods.
Team Two and Three
Two teams will go to Kota Tinggi where the recent floods was up to 17 feet high. (almost cover the 2 storey shop houses also). The clean up work here will be heavy work. Teams need to be prepared to do work.
Mr Lee of Segamat Wesley is coming back to me with more specific information on the 7 welfare homes.
Used Clothing: Each pack (for an average family of parents with 3 children) to include
PJN2 - 15
PJN3 - 15
PJN4 - 15
PJS1 - 15
PJS2 - 15
KL - 10
Please bring the packs to DSP this weekend where transport will be arranged to send them to JB. If the teams going can bring their own packs of clothing, please let me know how many packs they've brought for coordination purposes. Thanks.
Can I ask if any zones can commit to go this weekend? Pls confirm.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
I know my readership is so insignificant that I don't think this makes any diff at all, but to those who can go, do go!
It's times like this I actually wish I'm back in IMU cuz wow, the cf could go together & even get sponsorship money from IMU...!
-----------------------------------------------------------------
From the email:
I have spoken with Rev Timothy regarding how many teams they can host for this coming weekend.
His feedback is 3 teams of 10 people each. These 30 people need to be able-bodied and be able to lift things and do work, as there will be clean-up work as well as distribution of provisions / assistance at relief centres involved. After this weekend, they'd be able to gauge the manpower and provisions needs for the next few weekends.
All 3 teams will have to set off from PJ at around 5:30 am Saturday morning, as it takes about 4 hrs to get to Skudai. They will have to bring sleeping bags with them, and will be housed by JB Wesley Methodist Members or at the church itself. Please be prepared to be flexible and accommodating.
The 3 teams will also need to bring provisions, the special supplies which they have requested. Pr Daniel's instructions are that they can purchase the supplies first and claim from the DUMC Emergency Relief Fund when they return. (need to claim with receipts) He suggested that each team buys about RM2 -3 K worth first for this trip. After this trip the teams will be able to tell how much more is needed.
Team One
From Skudai, one team will work with Pr Thomas Fang (Emmanuel Assembly of God) to do clean up work, and to visit flood relief centres to help. They are helping with Kampung Laut, Skudai, which was the village featured on TV3 on the 8 pm news last night. That village was devastated by the recent floods.
Team Two and Three
Two teams will go to Kota Tinggi where the recent floods was up to 17 feet high. (almost cover the 2 storey shop houses also). The clean up work here will be heavy work. Teams need to be prepared to do work.
Mr Lee of Segamat Wesley is coming back to me with more specific information on the 7 welfare homes.
Used Clothing: Each pack (for an average family of parents with 3 children) to include
- 2 sets of Men's clothing - include t-shirt and trousers
- 2 sets of Women's clothing - include blouses / t-shirt or trousers / skirts / dresses / baju kurung
- 6 sets of Children's clothing (various sizes)
PJN2 - 15
PJN3 - 15
PJN4 - 15
PJS1 - 15
PJS2 - 15
KL - 10
Please bring the packs to DSP this weekend where transport will be arranged to send them to JB. If the teams going can bring their own packs of clothing, please let me know how many packs they've brought for coordination purposes. Thanks.
Can I ask if any zones can commit to go this weekend? Pls confirm.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
I know my readership is so insignificant that I don't think this makes any diff at all, but to those who can go, do go!
It's times like this I actually wish I'm back in IMU cuz wow, the cf could go together & even get sponsorship money from IMU...!
Monday, January 15, 2007
Just for fun
A certain Miss Someone's hotel house. With fountains and dance/gym rooms!and there's like...a Japanese dining area, a formal dining area, a breakfast dining area...
and this is just 1/100 of the whole mansion.
Haha, see I've posted something.
Tuesday, January 02, 2007
And so...
...was supposed to be in KLIA by now to catch the 6am flight to down under
...but things change
In a way, it's good.
...but things change
In a way, it's good.
Thursday, December 28, 2006
Some things...
Newspaper wrapped, lined with transparent plastic tau pau of steaming hot “pak kut wong” (pork ribs)
As a “siew yeh” (supper)
A man, dressed in the white thin singlet and black shorts; coming back at night, asking his children “lei sek” (come and eat) as the small kids hurriedly unfold the wooden brown chairs and crowd round him.
He unfolds the precious bounty. Their eyes light up.
“Lou po, lei sek” he calls out excitedly.
The mother comes out .
She lunges at him and hits him with tears streaming down her face.
“I told you to stop gambling. Why are you gambling again? Why? Why?”
(Obviously I don’t know how to type the rest in Romanized Cantonese without massacring the correct pronunciation)
He shields his arms to soften the blows.
“I didn’t gamble. I promise.” He shouts above the din.
“How did you get the money to buy this? Don’t lie” she shrieks, heartbroken.
“I sold my blood.”
.....
I no longer remember what movie this scene was from. Must have been one of those Cantonese dramas screened over TV2 (ha, so old).
But this scene is still vivid in the head.
So is the memory watching the next table in a hot crowded coffee shop; the middle aged father picking up a piece of chicken with his chopsticks from his plate and placing it at his teenage son’s.
Or the childhood memories of carefully wrapping candy from a party in tissue paper; to be shared with sisters later back home.
How grandmothers or grandfathers who aren’t “western” enough to say “I love you” but lug packets and packets of food whenever they visit.
As a “siew yeh” (supper)
A man, dressed in the white thin singlet and black shorts; coming back at night, asking his children “lei sek” (come and eat) as the small kids hurriedly unfold the wooden brown chairs and crowd round him.
He unfolds the precious bounty. Their eyes light up.
“Lou po, lei sek” he calls out excitedly.
The mother comes out .
She lunges at him and hits him with tears streaming down her face.
“I told you to stop gambling. Why are you gambling again? Why? Why?”
(Obviously I don’t know how to type the rest in Romanized Cantonese without massacring the correct pronunciation)
He shields his arms to soften the blows.
“I didn’t gamble. I promise.” He shouts above the din.
“How did you get the money to buy this? Don’t lie” she shrieks, heartbroken.
“I sold my blood.”
.....
I no longer remember what movie this scene was from. Must have been one of those Cantonese dramas screened over TV2 (ha, so old).
But this scene is still vivid in the head.
So is the memory watching the next table in a hot crowded coffee shop; the middle aged father picking up a piece of chicken with his chopsticks from his plate and placing it at his teenage son’s.
Or the childhood memories of carefully wrapping candy from a party in tissue paper; to be shared with sisters later back home.
How grandmothers or grandfathers who aren’t “western” enough to say “I love you” but lug packets and packets of food whenever they visit.
Sunday, December 24, 2006
'twas the nite before Christmas
It's always been a slight pet peeve for me when some forget to reply msgs or emails.
The reckoning was, it doesn't take less than 2 minutes or 5cents to send a reply.
Which is why it was always a personal policy for me to try and reply everything asap
Delaying/conveniently forgetting felt like a lack of value on the friendships.
And, maybe it's a girl thing, but sending out exam/birthday wishes to the various batches/cg members/cf ppl was rated priority. Sort of like a "hey, it's hasn't flown out of my ear, i do remember what you said and hope you're ok+all the best 4 exams" kind of thing.
Always felt it showed a personalized touch; a small touch, but an effort nonetheless to practice what we talk so much about making cf/cg a place where ppl count.
...but now I find myself in the opposite end where emails pile up unanswered, smses languishing in the in-box. To make matters worst, it's all from dear friends and new contacts from UNSW friends to be.
...somehow I do not know how to answer to the how are yous.
...sadly it also shows a diminishing desire to actually look out for people; to care
...an isolation; the reluctance to hang out...as scary as it is to admit this: because subconsciously envy creeps in when everyone else seem so happy and normal
...and a real fear; that if I struggle to even hang out with my truest friends, how can I endure the superficiality of new friendships in Oz? I'd probably just be locking myself in the room everyday! *shudders* & worst, as a result miss the "opportunity" so many ppl have been prodding about.
...to those who are reading this, sem3s and sem5s God bless for EOS. I've not forgotten ;)
...or the cg even though we haven't been meeting up
...apologies for the non-replies; we'll pick up where we left off when I get better
Prayers for this "terrible don't reply girl Sarah" as her Christmas gift is welcomed.
Take care because I do care even though I'm too sick to say it.
The reckoning was, it doesn't take less than 2 minutes or 5cents to send a reply.
Which is why it was always a personal policy for me to try and reply everything asap
Delaying/conveniently forgetting felt like a lack of value on the friendships.
And, maybe it's a girl thing, but sending out exam/birthday wishes to the various batches/cg members/cf ppl was rated priority. Sort of like a "hey, it's hasn't flown out of my ear, i do remember what you said and hope you're ok+all the best 4 exams" kind of thing.
Always felt it showed a personalized touch; a small touch, but an effort nonetheless to practice what we talk so much about making cf/cg a place where ppl count.
...but now I find myself in the opposite end where emails pile up unanswered, smses languishing in the in-box. To make matters worst, it's all from dear friends and new contacts from UNSW friends to be.
...somehow I do not know how to answer to the how are yous.
...sadly it also shows a diminishing desire to actually look out for people; to care
...an isolation; the reluctance to hang out...as scary as it is to admit this: because subconsciously envy creeps in when everyone else seem so happy and normal
...and a real fear; that if I struggle to even hang out with my truest friends, how can I endure the superficiality of new friendships in Oz? I'd probably just be locking myself in the room everyday! *shudders* & worst, as a result miss the "opportunity" so many ppl have been prodding about.
...to those who are reading this, sem3s and sem5s God bless for EOS. I've not forgotten ;)
...or the cg even though we haven't been meeting up
...apologies for the non-replies; we'll pick up where we left off when I get better
Prayers for this "terrible don't reply girl Sarah" as her Christmas gift is welcomed.
Take care because I do care even though I'm too sick to say it.
Sunday, December 17, 2006
Why I should be kicked out of med school...
Something to offset the overly excessive emo-ness of this blog
Was reading through an O & G book when I reached this chapter...
Chapter 30: Uterus Smaller Than Dates.
(in my head-emmm..that's really unusual! What kind of pathological cause can cause the uterus to be smaller than dates?)
Never mind, will read further...
(mentally starting to imagine the uterus size...and the possible causes of uterus smaller than dates.......like seriously, what can cause the uterus to shrink so much! this is really interesting)
so power: using mental imaging while reading somemore...
From book: About 30-40% of cases in the 3rd trimester have uteri smaller than dates.
(so many cases with uterus smaller than dates??? How come I've never heard of this!?)
And so it actually took me a few MINUTES to comprehend that
Uterus smaller than dates actually meant:
Uterus size is smaller than the date of gestational age/date of pregnancy
AND NOT what I thought
Uterus smaller than dates means
Uterus size is smaller than DATES (dates as in the fruit date)!
No wonder I thought it was pretty strange for a pregnant woman's uterus to shrink to the size of a fruit date ...(which would measure 3cm tops)
& was so curious as in to what kind of weird pathology could cause such an unusual thing to happen!
-------------------------------------------------------------------
wait a minute:
now I'm not only an emo person, but in addition a terribly frightening medical student!
haha.
Was reading through an O & G book when I reached this chapter...
Chapter 30: Uterus Smaller Than Dates.
(in my head-emmm..that's really unusual! What kind of pathological cause can cause the uterus to be smaller than dates?)
Never mind, will read further...
(mentally starting to imagine the uterus size...and the possible causes of uterus smaller than dates.......like seriously, what can cause the uterus to shrink so much! this is really interesting)
so power: using mental imaging while reading somemore...
From book: About 30-40% of cases in the 3rd trimester have uteri smaller than dates.
(so many cases with uterus smaller than dates??? How come I've never heard of this!?)
And so it actually took me a few MINUTES to comprehend that
Uterus smaller than dates actually meant:
Uterus size is smaller than the date of gestational age/date of pregnancy
AND NOT what I thought
Uterus smaller than dates means
Uterus size is smaller than DATES (dates as in the fruit date)!
No wonder I thought it was pretty strange for a pregnant woman's uterus to shrink to the size of a fruit date ...(which would measure 3cm tops)
& was so curious as in to what kind of weird pathology could cause such an unusual thing to happen!
-------------------------------------------------------------------
wait a minute:
now I'm not only an emo person, but in addition a terribly frightening medical student!
haha.
Filler
Another reason why IMU is missed...
We're never too afraid to make fun of ourselves, lecturers included!
JPJ's presentation on Friday nite. Didn't go though...
The lecture hall up on the 3rd floor,
That's where we teach you all;
And Mr Student he came by,
To sit-in for a lecture.
He'd had his lunch, a very large lunch,
He'd eaten way too much;
Soon he is yawning, now he's asleep,
And snoring loudly away.
Oh my Sleeping Child, your mouth's so wide,
That you're drooling wild, on your side
There's one reason why,
I'll wake you up Sleeping Child.
If all the students around the world
They had a mind like yours;
We'll have no learning and no brains
There'll be ignorant fools on Earth
If all the Deans and all the parents,
Could see you here this way;
You won't be matched for PMS,
You'll be staying here for life.
Oh my Sleeping Child, your mouth's so wide,
That you're drooling wild, on your side
There's one reason why,
I'll wake you up Sleeping Child.
I'm gonna fire you Sleeping Child.
Send you away from the class so mild
Keep you away from the class,
Away from the class, outside.
Oh my Sleeping Child, your mouth's so wide,
That you're drooling wild, on your side
There's one reason why,
I'll take you out Sleeping Child.
Can't wait for the CF christmas video to be up!
We're never too afraid to make fun of ourselves, lecturers included!
JPJ's presentation on Friday nite. Didn't go though...
The lecture hall up on the 3rd floor,
That's where we teach you all;
And Mr Student he came by,
To sit-in for a lecture.
He'd had his lunch, a very large lunch,
He'd eaten way too much;
Soon he is yawning, now he's asleep,
And snoring loudly away.
Oh my Sleeping Child, your mouth's so wide,
That you're drooling wild, on your side
There's one reason why,
I'll wake you up Sleeping Child.
If all the students around the world
They had a mind like yours;
We'll have no learning and no brains
There'll be ignorant fools on Earth
If all the Deans and all the parents,
Could see you here this way;
You won't be matched for PMS,
You'll be staying here for life.
Oh my Sleeping Child, your mouth's so wide,
That you're drooling wild, on your side
There's one reason why,
I'll wake you up Sleeping Child.
I'm gonna fire you Sleeping Child.
Send you away from the class so mild
Keep you away from the class,
Away from the class, outside.
Oh my Sleeping Child, your mouth's so wide,
That you're drooling wild, on your side
There's one reason why,
I'll take you out Sleeping Child.
Can't wait for the CF christmas video to be up!
Saturday, December 16, 2006
aftertaste
...
plunges
enforces that there must be something wrong/deformed within
...
where's the err?
forgive Lord, because i can't even identify my own missteps
...
so much advice; all not wrong, but all not quite right
...
spinning again
...
"Imagine you can only know one thing in the world," he says, "and that one thing is that you don't know anything." Staff Sgt. Jason Welsh
http://www7.nationalgeographic.com/ngm/0612/feature3/multimedia.html
...
0.5, 0.8 wbc
keratin loss
5+ am ER wake ups. twice in 2 days
...
if it's never, obliterate. please.
...
only You
...
it hurts.
...
only You
plunges
enforces that there must be something wrong/deformed within
...
where's the err?
forgive Lord, because i can't even identify my own missteps
...
so much advice; all not wrong, but all not quite right
...
spinning again
...
"Imagine you can only know one thing in the world," he says, "and that one thing is that you don't know anything." Staff Sgt. Jason Welshhttp://www7.nationalgeographic.com/ngm/0612/feature3/multimedia.html
...
0.5, 0.8 wbc
keratin loss
5+ am ER wake ups. twice in 2 days
...
if it's never, obliterate. please.
...
only You
...
it hurts.
...
only You
Monday, December 11, 2006
I'm begining to love tears
cuz everything seems more bearable & perspectives become clearer after a good long cry.
Saturday, December 09, 2006
It only takes 24 hours
It's a wonder how fast the perceptions about someone or something can change in the blink of an eye, a fragment of news.
Most of the times unexpected.
For better or for worst.
Like stumbling upon something unexpected, uncomfortable.
Yet in the same day, a small but amazing shift of perceptions.
You know how we vista people often ignore the guards that controlled the electronic gates. Either never truly noticed them or when we did, blamed them for the thefts and incompetence.
Today as Philip was winding the window to pass his driving licence to the guard in Vista B we caught the guard talking on the phone in a language. Joan was asking Philip what he was saying and Philip mentioned that the guard was a nepali.
Just so happened that DUMC was organizing Christmas party for the Nepali workers. The pastor announced in the service to pass flyers to the parking attendants, the labourers or any of the Nepali workers we met. Of course it just flew in and out of my ear immediately, because I didn't really care.
But Joan, a 1 year Christian said, "hey let's pass the flyer to the guard"
Which was a bold suggestion because like I said, I as a former vista person don't really like the guards, preferring to get out of their way, suspicious and afraid they'll trail me to my apartment. Plus she actually remembered the announcement.
And when Philip drove out and passed the flyer to the guard, the guard was amazed and happy that someone would invite him. He mentioned he was a Christian and went to a church in Jalan Alor. He was interested in attending the service, and told us he'd contact the numbers on the flyer.
Funny how we/I don't really care about things that we think have nothing to do with us/me. Yet it could make a difference, no matter how tiny.
Even if eventually the guard doesn't go to the party, at least tonite, he knows that someone cared enough to invite him.
My own changed perception of a guard.
The God of small things.
Most of the times unexpected.
For better or for worst.
Like stumbling upon something unexpected, uncomfortable.
Yet in the same day, a small but amazing shift of perceptions.
You know how we vista people often ignore the guards that controlled the electronic gates. Either never truly noticed them or when we did, blamed them for the thefts and incompetence.
Today as Philip was winding the window to pass his driving licence to the guard in Vista B we caught the guard talking on the phone in a language. Joan was asking Philip what he was saying and Philip mentioned that the guard was a nepali.
Just so happened that DUMC was organizing Christmas party for the Nepali workers. The pastor announced in the service to pass flyers to the parking attendants, the labourers or any of the Nepali workers we met. Of course it just flew in and out of my ear immediately, because I didn't really care.
But Joan, a 1 year Christian said, "hey let's pass the flyer to the guard"
Which was a bold suggestion because like I said, I as a former vista person don't really like the guards, preferring to get out of their way, suspicious and afraid they'll trail me to my apartment. Plus she actually remembered the announcement.
And when Philip drove out and passed the flyer to the guard, the guard was amazed and happy that someone would invite him. He mentioned he was a Christian and went to a church in Jalan Alor. He was interested in attending the service, and told us he'd contact the numbers on the flyer.
Funny how we/I don't really care about things that we think have nothing to do with us/me. Yet it could make a difference, no matter how tiny.
Even if eventually the guard doesn't go to the party, at least tonite, he knows that someone cared enough to invite him.
My own changed perception of a guard.
The God of small things.
Friday, December 08, 2006
In a week
A peak into everyday life
Every morning at 7am
but rather who I want to be, who I will worship...and how will the worship translate into my actions. That when the major is not minored, the minor will be majored easily.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Every morning at 7am
Neighbourhood coffee shop
The few pleasures in life: Newspapers, hot noodles, coffee early in the morning & the bliss of not having to rush through the papers...(newspaper addict)
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chemo: 1 down, 5 to go
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Half of my stuff are in Sydney already! Courtesy of my aunts who came to KL.
The irony of life: A featherdown quilt & winter jacket; presents from my aunts last year supposedly for UK life have travelled from Sydney to KL and are now back in Sydney.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
While it's easy to laugh at the religious authorities for majoring on the minor; detaining a body, imposing 500 fines on incident dressing when they miss the point of real worship & obedience... how often I forget that I am doing the same thing as well.
I admit I was being judgemental over a seperate issue this week that's none of my business anyway, haha.
But just like it's easier to see the speck in the eye of another instead of the plank in one's own eye; I guess, there's a lesson for myself to learn as well.
That I must watch out. Hold on to principles. Be flexible but not bendable.
but rather who I want to be, who I will worship...and how will the worship translate into my actions. That when the major is not minored, the minor will be majored easily.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Wednesday, December 06, 2006
Don't trust the emo-ness
I realized I posted a mistake.
If any of you happen to read it..ignore it.
Emotional people at 2.29 am write lots of nonsense.
:)
If any of you happen to read it..ignore it.
Emotional people at 2.29 am write lots of nonsense.
:)
Sunday, December 03, 2006
Sunday, November 26, 2006
The silence
...has been deliberate
Another surgery has passed, chemotherapy next. Roller coaster emotions. Love hurts. I want to get breast cancer instead.
A hesitancy to share anymore.
I realize that no matter what I do or how "good" God is, I am emotionally impaired. Things will never be the same again, there will always be a trace of hollowness in the laughter, a blot while watching the blue sea in Sydney, a tinge of pain while passing through the hat section, a stab while reading about breast cancer.
A sigh when there's words, but a silence.
A scary move to the other side of the world, when every thing's so messy at home.
A dark unknown future in the hands of a seemingly unseen God.
Emotionally impaired in most of the areas in my life I hold dear too....
But while an impairment cannot be changed, a disability can be minimized.
Don't get me? Watch this..
The story behind this? The next clip..
I guess I don't know when God will heal my emotional impairments.
But I know like the dad that pushes the son, it doesn't matter if I will be healed eventually or not.
For God is pushing the impaired me; and all that matters is that He's strong enough to push.
He's running the race for me. And I get to finish it with Him. Together.
And to finish means that while I am impaired, I am not disabled.
All this will soon pass.
A new season will come.
I hope.
I trust.
Impaired yes, but disabled no.
(oh yeah, I still have it! I can still remember sem2 Bs notes..haha, J/K..don't know why I suddenly remembered the diff of impairment and disability)
Another surgery has passed, chemotherapy next. Roller coaster emotions. Love hurts. I want to get breast cancer instead.
A hesitancy to share anymore.
Impaired yes, but disabled no.
Impairment: Any loss of abnormality of psychological, physiological, or anatomical structure or function.
Disability: Any restriction or lack (resulting from an impairment) of ability to perform an activity in the manner or within the range considered normal for a human being.
I realize that no matter what I do or how "good" God is, I am emotionally impaired. Things will never be the same again, there will always be a trace of hollowness in the laughter, a blot while watching the blue sea in Sydney, a tinge of pain while passing through the hat section, a stab while reading about breast cancer.
A sigh when there's words, but a silence.
A scary move to the other side of the world, when every thing's so messy at home.
A dark unknown future in the hands of a seemingly unseen God.
Emotionally impaired in most of the areas in my life I hold dear too....
But while an impairment cannot be changed, a disability can be minimized.
Don't get me? Watch this..
The story behind this? The next clip..
I guess I don't know when God will heal my emotional impairments.
But I know like the dad that pushes the son, it doesn't matter if I will be healed eventually or not.
For God is pushing the impaired me; and all that matters is that He's strong enough to push.
He's running the race for me. And I get to finish it with Him. Together.
And to finish means that while I am impaired, I am not disabled.
All this will soon pass.
A new season will come.
I hope.
I trust.
Impaired yes, but disabled no.
(oh yeah, I still have it! I can still remember sem2 Bs notes..haha, J/K..don't know why I suddenly remembered the diff of impairment and disability)
Wednesday, November 15, 2006
Hello, I am a cancer patient
A red scarf. A yellow towel wrapped round. Tudungs. Brown hair. Short hair. Curly hair. No hair.
Almost there. Just finished. Not yet started. Been there, done that....twice....
Working mothers, retired career women, housewives, Chinese, Indian, Malay.
15 or so women; with no similarity except, the same words "Hello, I am a breast cancer patient."
I accompanied my mother to the breast cancer support group today. Being the only non-cancer person around the table, I almost felt like an intruder as each woman shared their personal journey with the dreaded C.
Each and every woman, desperate to live, wanting a few more extra years to see the sun rise, carry grandchildren and wake up alive each morning.
During the session, many where asking each other about what to eat; how to cook the vegetables, where to buy the best "kampung chicken." Almost like a cooking class, yet their scalps bear testament that there's more that meets the eye.
Others recounted their experiences with mouth sores and fatigue. When one lady complained about numbness in her arm after the removal of her lymph nodes, the whole room erupted with women's voices as all clamoured to excitedly say that they felt the same thing; and many lifted their arms to show the parts where they felt different after the surgery.
As I sat there listening to 15 stories or more of women with breast cancer, I felt that each story was so interesting, so personal. Even though the same umbrella of breast cancer applied to all, different people had different stages of cancer, with different treatments, different journeys.
I dare say, I learnt far more about the diagnosis and detection of breast cancer in that 2 hour session with the women than 2 hours of lectures in IMU & 10 pages or so of Mama Patho.
Hearing the women recount their experiences, I've learnt that as doctors/medical students, we must never be too sure to rule out a disease just because the presentation is not classical.
I won't regrugitate the stories out of respect and privacy for the women.
But from their experiences; lessons to be learnt, pain in the breast doesn't mean it's not cancer; even with a "clear" mammography and ultrasound and no lumps felt.
Even from my own mum I've learnt, a clean mammography doesn't mean cancer free, and even if the lump seems to be changing in size, it may not be infection...it could be cancer.
When in doubt, always, always.. seek a 2nd opinion or go for further testing.
I learnt that breast cancer patients must always try have a full CT scan if possible. A 2nd time survivor had metastatis to the bones through the internal mammary lymph nodes in her chest bypassing her other breast and thus was not detected on mammography. Mammography alone may not be enough. It was too late for surgery.
I also learnt from a patient how to talk about Christianity among patients who do not share the same faith.
She began by simply saying "Each of us have our own religions and belief systems, but this is what has helped me....talking to God everyday and hearing Him talk back to me. I am a Christian."
Unpretentious.
Simple yet true. Respectful yet firm.
---------------------------------------------------------------
I never imagined I would spend my uni break in a breast cancer support group among cancer patients. Or going to the hospital everyday. Meeting oncologists. Battling tears and hopelessness.
But I know, somehow, these experiences have molded me to become a better doctor (to be), but most importantly a better person. I cannot afford to not be compassionate. I cannot not care. I cannot not understand what my patients feel. I've been there. I'm still there. I'm compelled to care because I'm there, in the same position. Helpless and fighting for the best.
I used to read books like "Jesus MD", "Fearfully and Wonderfully Made" with fascination when those doctors recounted their experiences of showing compassion and serving different people. And I realize, I'm now in the thick of it (not so glamorous or powerful though..) writing my own story, living out what it means to be a good doctor, but more importantly a child of God.
Things that matter suddenly don't matter anymore. Yet things you thought you could do without, you can't.
You don't need anymore Behavioural Science lessons.
A patient with many symptoms in the hospital no longer becomes a curious fascination. I recall, with dread, how disappointed I was if the patients we were assigned to in KKB etc had minimal symptoms because all we cared about was seeing morbid symptoms. The worst off a patient was and the more symptoms we saw, the better and happier we felt!
If there was no body in the morgue, boy, we were disappointed! If it was a police case, lagi bagus! Even more happy. The more gruesome, the better.
Yet now I'm on the other side. Suddenly everyone becomes not just a statistic. Nor a patient with this and this. But a person.
A person who's worth something to someone.
It's a struggle.
A hard one.
Worst than exams. Indescribably worst.
One where God doesn't always speak. (or maybe it's my hearing problem anyway)
Yet, one thing keeps me clinging; half dead but still clinging....
He hung on the cross.
Sunday, November 12, 2006
Transient
Just another statistic.
150,000 people die everyday.
We (or rather I) like to think that we are indispensable. That our significance matters, regardless how minuscule.
But in such times, I've come to realized I don't really matter much actually.
Here today, gone tomorrow and no one would miss a beat.
Maybe a conversation topic for a day or two.
A "Too bad, she's gone" whimsical thought among friends.
A tear or two if I'm lucky.
Possible an exclamation of relief "thank goodness she's gone!"
No one would really care.
Nothing would really change.
And I look over at the other side of the fence. At my own response to people's lives.
Bad news in friends' lives do make me concerned, but only to a certain degree. Sprouting the same "I'll pray for you" or "Take care"
Forgetting the plight after 5 minutes. Forgetting the turmoil when the next blog page refreshes, when the next sms comes in, when the conversation shifts.
Just an "oh, he must be having this and this of a problem"
or "emm...she must be struggling."
A quick thought. A 5 sentence prayer at most.
At most.
Because there's only so much I can understand.
Only so far I'll go.
Individual lives. Fighting our own battles.
Everything transient.
Trivialized beause it's not personal.
Just my observation on my own response to ppl's difficulties..
not accusing any1..haha
150,000 people die everyday.
We (or rather I) like to think that we are indispensable. That our significance matters, regardless how minuscule.
But in such times, I've come to realized I don't really matter much actually.
Here today, gone tomorrow and no one would miss a beat.
Maybe a conversation topic for a day or two.
A "Too bad, she's gone" whimsical thought among friends.
A tear or two if I'm lucky.
Possible an exclamation of relief "thank goodness she's gone!"
No one would really care.
Nothing would really change.
And I look over at the other side of the fence. At my own response to people's lives.
Bad news in friends' lives do make me concerned, but only to a certain degree. Sprouting the same "I'll pray for you" or "Take care"
Forgetting the plight after 5 minutes. Forgetting the turmoil when the next blog page refreshes, when the next sms comes in, when the conversation shifts.
Just an "oh, he must be having this and this of a problem"
or "emm...she must be struggling."
A quick thought. A 5 sentence prayer at most.
At most.
Because there's only so much I can understand.
Only so far I'll go.
Individual lives. Fighting our own battles.
Everything transient.
Trivialized beause it's not personal.
Just my observation on my own response to ppl's difficulties..
not accusing any1..haha
Tuesday, November 07, 2006
Sigh
Things are turning bad again..and it seems like a twisted joke
I mean like,
How often do you get an inaccurate pathology report?!?
We found out today that the 1st pathology report after the surgery was inaccurate.
The 2nd one now gives a more invasive involvement.
How often do you get an inaccurate pathology report?!?
Bad news is bad.
But bad news after a false good news is even worst & terrible.
I mean, what's the point of a false high? If I'm going to get slapped, might as well do it in one clean, quick blow.
God if my cynicism is rising, is not as if I asked for an inaccurate report okay?
This is up to You already. Cuz last I checked, I am still human. I'm doing the best I can. If You don't come through, this is it. This is as fas as I can go humanly.
Show youself.
I need a rest. Please
I mean like,
How often do you get an inaccurate pathology report?!?
We found out today that the 1st pathology report after the surgery was inaccurate.
The 2nd one now gives a more invasive involvement.
How often do you get an inaccurate pathology report?!?
Bad news is bad.
But bad news after a false good news is even worst & terrible.
I mean, what's the point of a false high? If I'm going to get slapped, might as well do it in one clean, quick blow.
God if my cynicism is rising, is not as if I asked for an inaccurate report okay?
This is up to You already. Cuz last I checked, I am still human. I'm doing the best I can. If You don't come through, this is it. This is as fas as I can go humanly.
Show youself.
I need a rest. Please
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